Colleen - posted on 05/30/2009 ( 74 moms have responded )
I can't get over the guilt. :( I was determined to breastfeed to give my daughter the best start she could. I have had a difficult time breastfeeding. My daughter came early and her mouth was too small to take the breast and too immature to suckle so I pumped and was fine with that. I had no supply so I had to pump every two hours. Eventually I had to go on Domperidone to boost my supply, but still, 4 months later, I produce very little. Then the schedule of attempting the breast, pumping, cleaning up after pumping to do it again in two hours. I was frustrated, but I kept working. Of course there were cracked and bleeding nipples at first. Battle wounds of any breastfeeding mom, right? I saw a lactaction specialist weekly. After many months the word was, "you are doing everything right. You have a limited supply and she doesn't have the skills she needs yet. So we kept working. We were making progress. The choking and crying and vomiting on my breast got a little better. She started taking a full meal from my breast! It was pure joy! I was so excited. Then came the first clogged duct and first bout of mastitis. I was so knocked out and she started rejecting the breast. We took a break and tried again. Every since she has been resisting breastfeeding, but I would still pump. Two weeks ago, my nipple cracked from pumping. Then wounds started appearing and oozing puss. I went to a specialist and it turns out it was a staph infection. So with another infection I hit a turning point. Let's say that she does mature enough to develop her skills...then I would feed her with what? My supply still won't be there for her. I decided to stop. Now I can't get over the guilt and mourning over "quitting". I know there are other moms with worse stories who stuck it out and made it. I just can't. Now I feel like a quitter and can't stop crying about it. Any words of support?