Need to Vent big time!

Erin - posted on 10/10/2009

What if you flat out say "Get your s@*t together or the kids and I are gone" And follow up with it. I think he needs a reality check. Maybe he needs to realize that there is consiquenses to his actions.

I've only been married for 7 yrs, but I learned thet men sometimes need a good "slap in the head" to realize what they're doing is not working!

Good luck and I hope things work out. I'm not saying leave your boyfriend, but remember, you have kids to think about..... it's not just the 2 of you anymore.

Rachel - posted on 10/08/2009

Dear Ashley,

Do you have anyone in the area that you could talk to in regards to counseling? Sometimes churches can help with this...I know mine has helped me out immensely with getting some help from an outside opinion. Maybe your boyfriend would be open to this? Sounds like maybe he doesn't have a lot of teaching in regards to money spending, earning, saving and the like...some parents don't think to teach their kids about it...they just assume that their kids will catch on and do what is right.



If your boyfriend is not willing, then maybe you could get some counseling for yourself and see what someone else thinks (professionally) it may help give you some ideas you were not aware of at this time.



I would say though, if the problem is evident now, it would become a major problem in a marriage. I am all for marriage, but if it could be worked out prior to, that would be a great help to hold your relationship together. Marriage is difficult as it is w/o adding a financial burden or issues to it.



Not sure where you are at with any kind of relationship w/ God, but that has helped me out a lot. I know some people who are "Christian" can be a real turn-off and say one thing and do another...but I would encourage you to get involved (if you are not already) somewhere people are real about their relationship w/ God and it is not a religious show.



I wish you the best...hang in there and don't give up hope!

Made - posted on 10/08/2009

Not sure how long you have been together, but if your boyfriend feels you have no say in the finances that he can't handle, because you are not legally married, yet live together with two kids, do you think this will change just because you sign a piece of paper? If he feels that giving his BF a bachelor party is more important than buying clothes for the kids or having a few dollars in the bank for an emergency, do you think he is mature enough to handle finances? let alone a long term relationship? You can't afford to lose your mind because your kids need you since they obviously don't have a responsible male figure. If you are sacrificing everything to feed the kids and keep a roof over their heads then I don't see the role he plays in your life? Having to go to work with torn and taped pants is deaming to someone who is working hard to survive, this will ultimately affect your self esteem, which seems to me is very low right now. You really need to take a hard look at your life because it's not a healthy one for you and it is definately a disastrous example for your kids, not only from your boyfriends behavior but from your own for putting up with this and setting this example for them. I know it can be very hard to leave him because you love him but not being able to take the kids away from him because he is a good dad? A good dad wouldn't be thinking about bachelor parties with all the difficulties you guys are going thru. I know waitressing may not be the best paid job, but you can always get government aide until you can pull thru on your own. I really suggest you start researching that information so you can break away from your financial fears of staying in a financially/emotionally draining relationship. At most you will have bills to pay, but at least they will be your own! Wake up, snap out of it and move on for your sanity's sake and for your kids. You are not alone, remember that in today's economy there are millions in your same situation so don't feel ashamed of your debt try to solve your life, it's worth alot more than money.

Julie - posted on 10/08/2009

I hate to say this Ashley, but if you are not married you might want to cut your losses and go forward with raising your children on your own. If he is the father of your children, make sure you sue him for child support. I know this sounds cold but if you two are supposed to be together, it will work out. In the meantime, you need to work on raising your children and taking care of yourself. This drastic measure will get his attention and give him a chance to see how he is really affecting the family. I will say a prayer for you and the situation.

Sharon - posted on 10/08/2009

I agree with Jodi - and many of the other women,...



marriage won't solve this issue - he won't "magically" change - god thats funny.



He may not have faith in you about money management - drag him to see a financial counselor, there are some places that do it for free, like churches and some other agencies. You need to call around and find them.



I got my finances under control after I went to see one, a gazillion years ago.



If he won't agree to go see someone who will help you guys set a budget, then you need to seriously think about leaving him at some point. Really - he isn't going to change. I have a friend caught up in the exact same issue. She has to steal money from his bank account and wallet to buy groceries and pay bills, other wise he'll show up with a new gamesystem and new games or rims for the car.



She feels like you, that she can't afford to leave him. Its a little true. But she's taking steps to change all of that. Good luck!

Glynis - posted on 10/08/2009

This man has his head buried in the sand. He is behaving like a single guy, & showing you & the children no consideration,love or respect. You say you have tried to talk to him, but shouldn't a caring partner see what is in front of his nose ? Why should you have to spell it out ? if he really cares you wouldn't have to. You & your children deserve better. Good luck ! Glynis x

Sandra - posted on 10/07/2009

Leave the self centered jerk/////Been right were you are it won't get better

and you are wrong it isnt his money it is yours and his together you are a team. what is his is yours and yours is his.are the children your together?

Tammy - posted on 10/07/2009

Oh my dear Ashley .... I agree with so many of the women above -- such excellent responses. I really can't add more than to tell you my situation and perhaps it may give you some clarity. My ex was college-educated, while I worked as a secretary (and we don't make a whole lot). He has been delivering pizzas for almost 14 years now. After 18 years of marriage and 3 children who were 9/11/13 at the time, I realized I needed to get out because like you, heaven forbid I buy work clothes, socks, underwear! He wouldn't even allow it for the children; however, your BF seems to genuinely love your children. If it comes to bankruptcy, then so be it, but I think making lists of money spent is brillant! Also, if the time comes where you just can't take anymore (my time came on a Tuesday morning in November 2004), separation may be the answer because inside you're a nervous wreck. And by the way, since my ex doesn't claim his tips, I only get $27/mo. child support (I'm in New Mexico and the laws here are very geared to dads). Many blessings to you and I hope all works out. You sound like such a loving mom -- I even went without food so my children could eat, as I'm sure any of us would. Also, assistance is available if necessary. There's no shame in asking for some help as we all need it at one time or another. As my therapist told me during my divorce, boundaries are necessary and if your BF has never had any, he doesn't know where to begin. You're the perfect person to teach him. Take care!

Jodi - posted on 10/07/2009

Ashley, I have had a think about this one, because it is such a difficult issue for you. Firstly, a piece of paper (marriage) does not make a difference when it comes to what are essentially "family" finances. There are the two of you and two children that you BOTH brought into this world. His money is no longer his to do what he wants with - this ceased to be the case when the first child was born (well, conceived actually, if you think about it).



You guys really do need some counselling. I have no idea where you live, but I do know that in Australia, there are counselling services who charge based on your family income. Therefore, low income families can access counselling at a very low rate per session. Is there anything like that available to you where you are?



I can tell from your post that it is unlikely your boyfriend will agree to let you take over the finances, given he believes his money is his, so although this is my first thought, I can see that without counselling, this probably won't change, and trying to take control will probably cause too many problems.



Instead, the first thing you guys need to agree to do is GET RID OF THOSE CREDIT CARDS!! The interest on those things is enough to criple anyone. Cut them up!! As a suggestion, why don't you and your husband make an agreement to NOT spend any money except on necessities (food, necessary clothing, utilities, etc) until all of the credit cards are paid off. Keep a ledger on EXACTLY where all of the money goes, and both agree to use it. Sit down each week and go over your ledger and see whether you could have done better. Discuss any purchases outside those you both agree on. ANy money left over at the end of the month should go off the credit card. Every little bit helps.



Anyway, I know that's just a start, but if you can get this happening, it will be a step in the right direction.

Mary - posted on 10/06/2009

Quoting Ashley:

Need to Vent big time!

Ok...so long story short me and my boyfriend are on the verge of bankruptcy...he lost his job and was out of work for 6 mnths when he finally got another job we had to move out of state...now we have a mortagage we cant pay for in a different state , utilities and rent at a new place ..credit card bills...car payments....and the cost of raising 2 rapidly growing children....my boyfriend has a really really bad time with money hes constantly buying things we do not need like new electronics for instance...we have no savings and have not even set one up for the kids...There are so many things that we need and cannot afford. If I buy new underwear for 25$ he flips out but he can buy a new computer when the old one worked fine...we are not married yet so he thinks I should have no say in what he does with his money but this affects me and my kids lives...I love him but I cant take much more....I try to reason him ...Tell him the kids need clothes and we have credit cards to pay off etc. he acts like he understands but now his bestfriend is getting married and he wants to take him away for a bachelor party that WE CANNOT AFFORD! I dont know what to do or say. Im losing my mind! I go to work every day with pants that I have taped because their torn and I cant afford new ones....I am sacrificing everything to feed my children and make sure they have a roof over their heads....WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!????

Mary - posted on 10/06/2009

Take charge of the money for awhile should him if you handle the money right you can live and survive. You are living together and have kids together and you have every right to his money ask him this "2 kids and child support plus living expences and his toys where would he be in 6 months? Child support can take every bit of his money fast. Party well that is out of the question and he needs to grow up! Sorry but kids and food and housing and bills come before playtime and toys for him. Been there done that!

Jessica - posted on 10/06/2009

Churches have free counseling & can help w/ budgeting, don't know if you're religious, but maybe...
Separating is tough & I wouldn't recommend it (unless there is no other alternative). There are too many relationships that get broken up over finances, which are solvable. Especially since he is a good dad!! You 2 just need to be able to sit down & plan a budget. After all the bills & other necessities are taken care of, try to put some for savings, then if there's anything left, that can be $ used for fun things. If he wants to buy something that costs more $ than allotted for the 'fun' fund, he's going to have to save for a bit to get the big thing. Hopefully he will agree to that

If the short sale doesn't work? Could you got through a property management company to help rent out your place? They will take a cut of the rent, but you could rent it out to cover their fee & the mortgage. They may be able to do something w/ the repair stuff too, not sure though.
Best of luck!! (again)

Mschelseamac - posted on 10/06/2009

Quoting Ashley:

I do appreciate everyones input...I do want to say that Im only a waitress ..there is no way I could support me and my children on my own and although my family is very supportive they are also in financial difficulty and could not help much. Not only would I have a hard time leaving him because I love him but I could NEVER take his children away from him....he is an amazing dad besides the money issues...he takes great care of them and they adore him. I wish we could afford counseling....

There is no point in thinking about leaving him over money when you're in a financial crisis. Both of you are under incredible stress and aren't thinking clearly. I'm sure things were better before the financial problems and they can get better again.

  If it does come down to you two splitting up it would simply be because you cannot live together as a couple. It wouldn't need to and shouldn't have anything to do with the children. The last thing anyone should do is put children in the middle of their problems and I aplaud you for recognizing that.

  I know there are some non-profit credit counceling services in my area (mind you I'm in Alberta Canada) it may be worthwhile looking into something simliar in your area.

Mschelseamac - posted on 10/06/2009

Quoting Diana:

As someone who married a man with money management issues: it doesn't get any better. You either have to convince him to let you take total control of the finances (as he's shown by not paying attention to the situation or to what you've repeatedly asked of him that he cannot manage money) or you have to leave in order to make things work for you and your children.

Diana is right I'm afraid. Marriage doesn't magically cure fights over finances or anything else. Don't every think it will, if anything it makes it worse. 

 I also agree with getting a joint bank account so that you can monitor all the money coming in.  Insist he brings home reciepts for EVERYTHING he buys (even a .50cent cup of coffee) and keep a talley. Once I showed my Husband in black and white how quickly it added up he stopped disagreeing with me as much. He still acts like a spoiled child when he doesn't get what he wants, but he knows he cannot argue it or I'll drop the finance book on his lap.

 Whenever my Husband gets into the "What right do I have to tell him what to do with HIS money" I remind him we could spit up and let a judge and lawyers decide how much he gets AFTER paying me and keeping his Son fed, clothed, sheltered, happy. The conclusion he quickly comes to is it is cheaper to keep me happy then get into that. Even if he is just a boyfriend, you still have kids together which he is financially responsible for, remind him of that.

  A idea on how to save some money would be if you and the children move back into the house you own and he rents a smaller place in the state he's working in. The rent and utilities would be less for that place and you wouldn't be paying to keep an empty house. It's an unplesant idea but maybe it will get him to saving so it doesn't come to him living in a different state than his family.

  Good Luck and hang in there, just keep in mind what is best for your kid is most important.

Ashley - posted on 10/06/2009

I do appreciate everyones input...I do want to say that Im only a waitress ..there is no way I could support me and my children on my own and although my family is very supportive they are also in financial difficulty and could not help much. Not only would I have a hard time leaving him because I love him but I could NEVER take his children away from him....he is an amazing dad besides the money issues...he takes great care of them and they adore him. I wish we could afford counseling....

Jonie - posted on 10/06/2009

sweetheart i need to say you are with the majority of families right now and bankruptsy although unfortunate as you will loose you equity is not the end of the world ok...So many are worse off i promise. The issue is how he is handling it as opposed to what is happening.

Krystle - posted on 10/06/2009

You are not married to him, and it seems like he really doesn't care about your guys' situation, esp when you said that he thinks you have no say with what he does with "his" money. So when he wasn't working for those 6 months, who was supporting him? you right? I think he may be a little greedy from where I'm sitting. You may love him but he needs to change his attitude on that because you guys will be F* in the end, you know? Plus you have kids to think about, to take care of. They need to come first, even if it means putting some relationship on hold. :) Hope everything works out for you and your little ones.

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2009

Thanks Ashley :) I was just giving some thought to my answer. I understand your dilemma - my ex used to spend money we didn't have, and it sounds very similar. This is one of those questions I want to think about before I respond!! And I didn't want to make any assumptions!

Ashley - posted on 10/06/2009

Quoting Jessica:

Try making a list of all the bills & how much they are worth & sit him down & talk to him about it. Make sure to include groceries & clothing in it too. That way he can see on paper how much $ is needed & what it goes to. My hubby has spending probs too, but now that his inheritance is mostly gone and has a son to support. He's come to terms w/ the fact that he can't go spend $ on things we don't need. There is hope, but he has to see where the $ is going, to have his eyes opened (hopefully). Is it possible to rent out your house, so you can just charge the renters the cost of your mortgage payments??

If that won't work, can you get a job where your house is? maybe try separating for a while & having him have to figure out how to pay for stuff w/out you helping him out, maybe he'll come to his senses???

Best of luck to you!

We thought about rentsing our house out but we could not afford to do any up keep our repairs needed to keep renters happy...we also would be too far away to check up on things if needed. We are trying to do a short sale and are working with the bank to make this happen

Jonie - posted on 10/06/2009

an idea to try maybe? get a seperate act for bills add up monthly amt you pay or need. divide in half. then help him take that amt and divide by how many paychecks he will get and what he will need to take out of each check. if this does not work ss but you will have to choose between him and you and your kids.

Ashley - posted on 10/06/2009

Quoting Jodi:

Ashley, could you pleaser clarify? Are the kids from your relationship with your boyfriend, or are they your kids, not his? I couldn't work this out from your post. A few times you refer to them as "my" children as opposed to "our" so I just wanted to check.

Both of my children are by my boyfriend.

Jessica - posted on 10/06/2009

Try making a list of all the bills & how much they are worth & sit him down & talk to him about it. Make sure to include groceries & clothing in it too. That way he can see on paper how much $ is needed & what it goes to. My hubby has spending probs too, but now that his inheritance is mostly gone and has a son to support. He's come to terms w/ the fact that he can't go spend $ on things we don't need. There is hope, but he has to see where the $ is going, to have his eyes opened (hopefully). Is it possible to rent out your house, so you can just charge the renters the cost of your mortgage payments??

If that won't work, can you get a job where your house is? maybe try separating for a while & having him have to figure out how to pay for stuff w/out you helping him out, maybe he'll come to his senses???

Best of luck to you!

Brandy - posted on 10/06/2009

Keep all of his receipts and at the end of each month write them all out in a list and add them all up and show him what he has spent. Ask to write up a monthly budget and cut the credit cards. Tell him that if he wants to keep you guys in his life, there needs to be some changes.

Jodi - posted on 10/06/2009

Ashley, could you pleaser clarify? Are the kids from your relationship with your boyfriend, or are they your kids, not his? I couldn't work this out from your post. A few times you refer to them as "my" children as opposed to "our" so I just wanted to check.

Kaelyn - posted on 10/06/2009

You have to put your children before the man. You and him aren't married, you have 2 kids with him, he needs to get the hint, unless you don't want to get married. The kids are the most important. You have to take control of the situation. "Diana" is right. It won't get any better. The only way this is going to maybe be ok is if he realizes he is wrong and lets you start handling finances. Otherwise, honey, take those kids and leave. Start over and see if he comes to the realizsation that he's lost you all, his family.

Diana - posted on 10/06/2009

As someone who married a man with money management issues: it doesn't get any better. You either have to convince him to let you take total control of the finances (as he's shown by not paying attention to the situation or to what you've repeatedly asked of him that he cannot manage money) or you have to leave in order to make things work for you and your children.