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Kelsey - posted on 04/03/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Well, my great grandfather died on Easter Sunday. We are all heartbroken here, since my family is very small to begin with. Somehow, my ex found out that I lost my grandfather and wanted to attend his funeral/visitation/wake to "pay his respects".

At first I told him that, I wasn't sure if my family would be okay with it, since they all hate him. But that's a different story. I know that I didn't want him there because somehow it would make this about himself or he would make this about him and me, by either making a pass or fighting with me. When I had told him that I wasn't sure that my family would like it; he changed it up to say that, he wanted to be there for his son. My baby is 11 months, I highly doubt that he knows what was going on.

So I told him no, that I don't think my family wants you there. We only dated for two and half years and were engaged for a short while, since our break-up I've been keeping my life from him and yet, he wants to nose around in it anyways and takes every opportunity to fill me in his life even when I don't care any. I didn't tell my family about this, because I didn't want to make them even more emotional.

How would you guys handled this?

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Kristi - posted on 04/04/2013

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Well other than not talking to him or listening to any of his bullsh!t any more, I would say you did just fine. You're exactly right about your son being too young to understand what is going on. Allowing this guy to show up would definitely make a difficult time even worse. Sparing them the knowledge is very kind and appropriate.

I would more or less hang up on him if you're not talking about your son. He's obviously just trying to stir the pot. I don't know what your custody or visitation schedule is like but I would say once that is set up, end the conversation. The basic hi, how ya doin, is probably fine. After that, just try to politely cut him off. If it please and thank you don't work...go for something a little more obnoxious, like ok, don't really care, bye now...click. ; )

But, like I said, I think you did just fine with the funeral situation. I am very sorry for your family's loss. I hope everyone is finding some peace and comfort in their memories of your granddad and in each other. My prayers go out to you. xo

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Kelsey - posted on 04/09/2013

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Lol! Possibly, you don't know what's in the water these days.

Oh, no. Definitely not friends with my ex over facebook. He is not only defriended, but blocked from seeing my profile and my pictures even through friends and family. I have almost daily pictures, because I'm one of those obsessive, 'Look how cute my baby is moms.' Most of my family defriended him when he was throwing a little "b-fit" about not getting his way with claiming the baby on taxes. Called me some unnecessary names which my dad sent him a classy but "I-hate-your-guts-and-your-a-waste-of space" note. My only reply to my ex was when that Saturday's visitation happen, "You know, all this cursing doesn't make you sound any smarter, in fact, you sound like an bigot idiot". He still claimed the baby anyways; hence the IRS is going to be after us, because I claimed the baby too.

Great....I'm slightly discouraged now. I can't believe the judge didn't see what was happening to your daughter. You have a lot more patience that I would have in that situation. I would beat the snot (not the word I wanted to use. I read the rules today on CoM. lol) out of those kids. I'm glad you got 'no contact' judgement for the sake of your daughter. How is she doing? I have to wonder, "What hell was the judge thinking?" That's just bull. I think that judge needs to shove it.

I live in IL, my last court date went rather well. I mostly got what I wanted minus no overnight until the age of 2. But I'm hoping if I can prove he's not taking his visitation seriously, I could cut overnights all together. Because I'm not having this crap of some other bimbo taking care of my baby when his father is suppose to. I had a hostile moment, anyways, I've been keeping a very detailed track of visitations and child support like my lawyer had told me too. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I have to agree with you about both parents. I was raised by a single mother and I think I turned out just fine but that's just me. It's not like people can tell anyways, I don't think I have a flashing bright sign that says, "Has a bad attitude because she was raised by a single mom." I don't think it's that obvious. lol.

You're going to like this one. I do know a bus driver and right now, Her and I are on fantastic terms due to her son being a bigot idiot and trying to play "keep away baby" with her after a giant fight they had. Yes, it's my ex's mother. It didn't click until I read your post, then I'm like, "Hey, I know someone!" After all the issues I had with her after the baby was born (she was trying to play mommy), we have a mutual understanding, "Her son's is an idiot and she loves me because she gets to spend time with the baby."

Kristi - posted on 04/08/2013

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I think we were separated at birth!

Maybe, you just got stuck with my DNA, 15-20 years later...

Either way, we married/had children with men who were obviously sharing the same brain!

I definitely advise against being friends with your ex on FB. My second husband and I have been separated for two years. We live 1500 miles apart. We talk everyday. We still "co-parent" one another's children. I basically raised his son and my daughter and he was basically the father figure for my daughter for like 8 years. We got together when his son was not yet 2 and my daughter was a little over 4. But I do not want any part of his FB page. I can't. It would drive me crazy. We tried it. He was paranoid my comments were sarcastic or meant something other than they did. It wasn't worth it.

I don't know where you live or what your courts are like and I don't want to discourage you, but I had those same thoughts and beliefs and was damn certain I was right (and I was) but the judge didn't see it that way.

ME: He's a felon.
JUDGE: Not a violent one.
ME: He's a crack head.
JUDGE: Prove it.
ME: I don't want my daughter around all the various girlfriends, etc.
JUDGE: His private life is none of your business. If I determine him a fit parent that means I find him fit to make proper choices about the well being of "your" daughter.

Last time around...

ME: Both his 3rd wife's and his 4th wife's sons were "sexual inappropriate" with my daughter on his watch.
JUDGE: That remains to be seen. (Because her testimony and the pictures apparently weren't enough) Those boys weren't much older than your daughter and her father says he didn't know until later, either. (I guess the homemade posters of my daughter those filthy mongerals made and put up in the post office and were found and taken down by his neighbors weren't enough warning--for the record I lived 70 miles away and the fear and psychological manipulation/abuse that was going on while she was there was obscene and there was nothing I could do until she told me about it and believe me...I tried everything.)

After the judgment....

MY EX: I want to give up my parental rights.
ME: Right on, where do I sign?
MY ATTORNEY: Doesn't work like that. Someone has to agree to take on financial responsibility for her.
ME: Um, me.
MY ATTORNEY: Nope.
ME: My parents will sign whatever they need to in order to accept full financial responsibility for her.
MY ATTORNEY: You will have to relinquish your rights and let your parents adopt her.
ME: WTF? (My 2nd husband and I were intending to separate when the custody battle was over) He said he would adopt her.
MY ATTORNEY: That will cost an additional $3-4,000 and take up 2 years for that to happen, meanwhile, you're stuck here, you cannot leave the state.

Basically, it boiled down to me agreeing to lie that he lost his job so child support would go from $540/mo. to $50/mo. and he would agree to let us leave the state and to have no further contact without my consent. Interesting note, I made him this offer over 1 year prior to this before the court battle. I don't know how much he ended up paying for the same deal but we paid close to 10G's. And of course, that judge wouldn't see fit to make him pay my attorney's fees based on that, even though we had documentation. I'm telling you right now, do not get messed up with someone in NE. Mine is not the only severe miscarriage of "justice" I saw there!

I hope you do much better in court and that your judge REALLY has your son's best interest at heart and not just the appearance of his best interest by always assuming a kid needs both biological parents no matter how sucky they are. I call complete bullshit on that one. But if things don't work out...I might know a bus driver...or do I? LOL

Kelsey - posted on 04/08/2013

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Oh, I did want to mention, I know who Steve Urkel is. We have something in my family called the "Urkel Shuffle," which is yanking up baby pants as they fall down.

Yup, millions of years. Lets just say, I sent him a links of when formula was really "used" and another link of why I'm letting my son self-wean over facebook. For some reason, he defriended me. I have no idea why. lol. Besides that was a couple of months back.

Personally, I want my ex to sign his rights away. It will be less disappointment in my son's life later on because his "daddy" isn't the most reliable. I know that won't happen; my ex is "so proud" of himself to have a kid. I'm just hoping he'll knock someone else up, brainwash some dummy into marrying him and move on with his life. Or end up in jail like his own dad (long story there, I wasn't even in the picture then). Or get hit by a bus. lol. I'm just kidding here...or am I? lol.

I'm hoping with this court date coming up to tweak visitation schedule, that karma will bite him in the butt. He's missed almost a month in visitation and has not paid child support; which shows he's irresponsible. My lawyer had told me beforehand, if he's not stepping up to the game, we can get his overnight visitation gone.

I really hope so. My ex is going to be ticked off at me anyways because I'm going to make my own suggestions on how to tweak visitation. Like, no overnights with a live-in girlfriend of under a year. My ex had been dating this lady with three kids of her own for about five months off and on. I don't know her or her kids. She or one of her kids could hit my baby when he's crying in the middle of the night. I don't trust my ex or her ever since my baby came back Easter weekend looking like a tomato with a sunburned bald head. Another, was overnight visitation can happen only at my ex's mother's house or my ex's father's house. Another one, was tweaking child endangerment for when my ex decides he's above the law.

Nah, you're not weird. River Monsters is awesome and distractions happen. Currently my baby is squealing on the top of his lungs...and drooling. So. much. drool.

Kristi - posted on 04/07/2013

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Millions of years, huh? Just for fun...although "thousands" of years ago substitute feeding was tried, generally due to the death of the mother, the infant mortality rate was 50-99%. In 1867, the FIRST scientific breast milk substitution was invented by a German chemist. That's 146 years, just a tiny bit short of a million! LOL

http://babysbest.wordpress.com/2008/02/2...

That's their big threat...child support. Ok stupid (pardon my French) fuktard, you think you're teaching me a lesson? Oh, you big man, whatever will I do without your money? (Yes, we deserve it and yes life would be easier with it but...) Personally, you're not intimidating me by withholding support. F*** you, keep it, wait until your kid wants to know why he/she couldn't go to camp or have the cool shoes or why the lights got shut off last month or in our case the reason my ex-husband tried to give up his parental rights after losing the custody battle I warned him he would. (so wish the judge would have just signed off on that). They are only hurting their kids and they either can't see that, won't see that or do see that and don't care.

Karma is a bitch. Once in awhile, if we're really, really lucky, Karma visits while we're watching and if you've never seen her, she is a rare but divine vision! I am grateful for the glimpse I did get because I don't think I'm going to be blessed enough to see her come after my daughter's father. Pretty sure God is taking the reigns on that slug! Your baby daddy will get his...lol Maybe Karma is disguising herself in the form of the IRS, in his case, how funny would that be?!

I'm not a totally jaded, cynical, sarcastic wench! Usually, just sarcastic and with funny undertones. Anyhooo...I hope this isn't too weird, I'm not concentrating very well because I'm watching the season premiere of River Monsters with my daughter so I'm very distracted. Lol sorry!

Kelsey - posted on 04/07/2013

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Thank you so much Kristi! Your story was hilarious! I had my mother read it and now she wants to do it. Lol.

About suggesting taking him out to the car, my ex has been trying his best not to let me near his car. For (I guess) fears of being denied visitation for improper car seat usage (again) or/and taking down his license plates for child support information. Which the state can take his car when he owns me a certain amount of money. Or the IRS, will take it for tax fraud.

Anyways, I pretty much gave up on being nice to him or even trying to arrange stuff with him; when he was on a power trip and insisted I was using breastfeeding as a control method. Then told me I should stop because babies have been feed formula for "millions of years." (His exact words). Then he called me a sh!tty parent when I told him to shove off and then he said that he'll never pay child support.

With "direct politeness" (lol) He'll always make it into a fight. He's one of those types that "need" drama in their life and if they don't have drama; they'll make it. I tried something new yesterday that seemed to work. I took the baby after my ex said goodbye, he "tried" talking to my dad and I just held the door open. He cut off mid-sentence as my dad rolled his eyes on him and walked out the door.

Kristi - posted on 04/07/2013

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Losing a loved one, family or friend, is the worst. Even when "you knew it was coming or it was for the best because he/she was suffering, etc." it still sucks ass. It still hurts and you don't miss that person any less. I'm so sorry for your pain. Sending you big bear hugs!

Give him some special new "bling." It will "shock" him, literally! LOL Get a shock collar system and tell him it's the latest trend. Say you just wanted to show your appreciate for what a swell guy he's been since you split up. (gagging as I type) When he gets there, bring the baby to the car and strap him in. If your ex gets out and tries to come and talk to you, hit the switch! He will drop to the ground. You'll laugh your ass off and you can pull an Urkel and say, "Ooops, Did I do that?" (Do you know who Steve Urkel is? If your child is not even 1, you might be too young to know that show. It was called Family Matters, irrelevant)

True, irrelevant but funny story. My neighbor installed that shock collar system for his two dogs. While they were installing it and setting the intensity and what not, John decided to stroll over to see my dad who was out on our deck. Well, John forgot he was carrying the ACTIVE collars and when he attempted to cross his yard into our yard....well, it is quite a sight, watching a 6'4" 230lb brick wall tremble and buckle to his knees and then to the ground with a look of "shocking" realization on his face, while a 5'9" 190lb beer belly (my dad) falls to the ground, not kidding, because he can't walk and laugh as hard as he was at the same time. Nice neighbor...between fits of roaring laughter my dad was yelling to John's wife to cut the power because that was all that was going to help him at that point. Needless to say, they used a VERY low voltage on their pups! But, that is one for the books. You probably had to be here but maybe you got a little smile? ; )

Seriously, maybe you could just bring your son out to his car when he gets there and go out to get him when he gets home. PITA, totes but might be worth it. It is hard to figure out how to draw the right line in the right sand when it comes to baby drama. I tried so hard to play nice with my first husband. Coordinate schedules for birthdays, school events, etc....didn't file for child support because he couldn't afford it all the time but if he would help with this and that, blah, blah, blah...nice did not work. So I tried polite. Then came civil. Next came civil litigation. Finally came F*** you, don't call, don't write, don't text, do not pass go, do not collect $200, Bu-Buy! Hopefully for your son's sake, his father is not a sociopath and this will not be the case for you both!

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. You're working on bettering your future. You made a very selfless and thoughtful act by handling your ex's attempts to cause trouble on your own. That took a lot of strength and shows a lot of character, imo. If being polite isn't effective maybe you'll have to be more direct. You can still be polite while being direct, it's just that sometimes the other person doesn't like the "direct-ness" so they miss politeness all together. ; ) Again, that's the tricky part because you don't want things to turn to war every time there's contact. Ugh, I wish I could wave my magic wand for you!

Keep your chin up. Remember, one day, a long, long, long, long, long time from now, your son will thank you for doing right by him even when he didn't know you were. You can bank on it.

Kelsey - posted on 04/06/2013

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Thank you very much. It's still difficult to know that he's gone and he's not coming back (my great grandfather) not my ex.

I do have custody set up already, 8 hour every Saturday if my ex chooses to take it. Pretty soon, it will be every other weekend and one day a week. During the week, we don't talk at all and if he does call just to "talk" I use the excuse of doing homework or studying for college. Now, when he shows up to take my son, it's a whole different story. He acts like he's "buddy buddy" with me and thinks that I actually care about his issues. Like, "Oh, I can't pay you child support but you should hear this story about how I went out to the bar last night." No matter what kind of hint I drop, like, I need to study or what such; he takes his sweet a$$ time getting out the door.

I have told him several times; we don't need to be friends. Just get the baby and get out the door. Then bring the baby back and get out. I don't know how else to tell him that my life is none of his business.

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