new bf not sure of baby by another man

Rashell - posted on 06/19/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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well im am in a relationship with a man who is not the father of my child we started going together when i was 7 months pregnant i have no contact with the father of the child i have not talked to him since the day we split my daughter is now 3 weeks old and still no contact with the father the new guy seamed to be fine with me being pregnant by another man we spent almost everyday together and everynight i couldnt ask for a better guy to be with but now that my daughter has been in this world for 3 weeks it seams to be a little bothersome for the new guy he dont seam to want me to be around even tho he says i can come over when i want but i feel very unwelcome at times he dont like to come over to my place and stay i dont ask him to watch her or hold her or feed her because it is not his child i just think it is scaring him away and if he leaves i will be a really big mess i am doing this on my own i have no family or friends to help me it makes it really hard to even get in the shower at times because i wont be able to hear if she cries so one day i did ask him if he would sit in side and watch her so i could get the grass mowed and take a shower and to come and get me when she started to cry that he wouldnt have to do anything thig else and he said to me he rather mow the yard then sit inside with a crying baby i prolly should have said something to him but i didnt because i dont want him to be mad at me and start fighting i just thought i would ask him so i could have a few mins to myself i am just so comfused and dont know if i should talk to him about how he feels about the baby and me what should i do please help

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Anna - posted on 06/19/2010

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I'd say talk to him, but I know, easier said than done. I was with another guy (we lived together) since I was 3 months pregnant, until my son was born. He was very nice, helped a lot, things were great, until it became closer to my son being born. Things started getting weird between us, we didn't really spend anytime together...he was always gone. The time we did interact it was mostly fighting. As far as taking a shower...I tried asking for help, didn't get it. It is hard by yourself, but I promise you that you will be fine. My son is now 4 years old and I look back at the times I didn't think I could do it, but I made it through it. When you take a shower, put her swingset right next to the shower if you have one or put her car seat right next to the shower, I kept the door or curtain cracked, so I could see him while I was showering. Perhaps certain guys think it's fine for them to be with someone that's pregnant by another man, and they think once the baby is born it will be fine. I think that it ends up being a lot different than they expected. I don't really think they can prepare themselves and predict how it's going to be that well. The guy that I was with I never got a straight answer out of when I asked, after years I asked and he said he was young, blah blah blah. That's what I think about that. Not a good enough answer. Your guy sounds a little hostile. Remember yourself, you may be having some post partum depression, due to my childhood I suffered more from it which totally totally sucked. Talk to your doctor about it, if you're suffering from it that will make things harder for you. Like I said-remember you WILL get through it (man or not). If you ever get to feeling like you can't. Look into your daughter's eyes and do it for her. Everything I do is for my son. You can always message me too :) I hope I helped, I get to jumping around on topic. If you decide to tell him you want to talk, stay calm, talk as well as listen, don't get defensive. From the sounds of it he will probably be hostile during this convo. You might get more though if you try making the conversation about him.

Tracy - posted on 06/19/2010

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Sounds to me like the reality of a baby is hitting him. It was one thing when you were pregnant, the baby was still more of an idea than real. Now baby is HERE and a lot of work. A lot of fathers have a reality shock when the baby arrives. The problem you have is that he's not the father, so he has no ties to the baby. You need to get a support system in place for you and the baby. Find some parenting classes for single parents, Mommy & me groups, etc. There should be a lot of free things like that in your area. Focus on your baby and yourself. Honestly, it sounds to me like this guy doesn't have the stones to be a step parent. I'm sorry, honey. Good luck to you, and your wee one

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Angie - posted on 06/20/2010

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I can't say I blame him. Every time he sees your child he is reminded that you were with another man. You've only been with him for 4 months. The reality is that he may not want to raise someone else's child. Take care of your baby and don't worrry about him, he's not ready for this huge responsibility.

Carolee - posted on 06/20/2010

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I'm sorry for what I am about to say, but it is honestly how I see it.

This guy is not for you and your daughter. He doesn't want to be a father. That means he cannot be with you. Your daughter comes first, and if he cannot accept the responsibility that comes with a child, he needs to leave right now. I know first-hand how much it can suck to be a single mom. It's scary as hell! But, it can be done, and is done on a daily basis for many women.

On the bright side, once you get rid of this guy, you can find somebody who is ready for all the responsibilities and joys of parenthood. Heck, I had expected to be a single mom for the rest of my life after my ex took off. I thought that nobody would ever want a woman who had a young kid. Fast forward a couple of years, and I am now married and about to give birth to my second child! My husband ASKS for days that he and my son can spend together. On his days off work, he enjoys letting me sleep in so that he and my son can have "guy time" in the morning.

At this point, though, you have to ask yourself something. Who is more important to you: this guy or your daughter?

Jenifer - posted on 06/20/2010

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It's diffinatly a guy thing... My sons father is in the picture but he just doesn't get it.... He thinks he can just pawn his son off to the sitter so he can go drink and party with his dad/friends... I'm like don't your dad realize you have a responsibility to that child????? Like last night i went out for the first time in a long time cuz my sons father swore he would watch his son.... and 10pm rolls around and he calls to see if he can just get a sitter to go party with his dad.....of course I told him he better not do that cuz i'm already ticked at him. I'm not saying he is a horrible dad but he just doesnt get it... I think the reason most of us moms get so stressed is because we believe that if were not working we should be at home with their kid which i honestly think that i won't just pawn my son to a sitter so I can go have me time....... So it's a guy thing and maybe him not being the real dad plays a part but I think most guys are like this when it comes to kids.....

Iridescent - posted on 06/20/2010

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Has the guy ever even been around a baby before? He could simply be scared. In addition, you've been dating at MOST for 3 months. That's really quick. And you didn't say he wasn't coming over, only that he wouldn't "stay". He does have his own home. You have a new baby. You've been dating for ~3 months at most. You aren't cleared for sex yet. What would be the purpose? He's probably wondering the same thing. You need to depend on yourself more and others less to make you happy. If you need counseling to learn how to do it, then get it.

Madelyn - posted on 06/19/2010

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Rashell, It is very important for you to find out his true feelings now before this relationship goes any further. He definitely knew you were pregnant when you first started dating one another, so if he can't handle the package deal- Honey, you don't want or need him. He has either one of two choices: take the package or leave it.... You'll be better off knowing upfront now.- It is not the babies fault and she is the one who will be jerked around later. It is ok to let her cry for awhile during the time you shower, or sit her in an infant seat inside the bathroom with you.- if yu are that scared you won't hear her if she should cry. You can do this girl, it seems as though you've handled quite a bit all by yourself already. - Take care and hope this is helpful... Madelyn in Omaha,NE ( a grandmother of soon to be 8)

Kalie - posted on 06/19/2010

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Don't worry about the guy. You 'need' to focus on your baby and taking care of yourself and nothing else. You don't need to worry about keeping a man 'happy' or anything like that.

You need to think as a 'single mom' I would say. Always put your child first. My first and major rule when I had my first was 'It's not about me anymore."

Things will get easier with your baby. When it comes to things like mowing the lawn or havin a shower, buy a baby moniter, waiting until baby is asleep and do what you will.

Also a three week old won't go anywhere if left alone on the floor or in her bed. :)

Keep your chin up!

And don't worry about the guy, it's not the most important thing anymore.

Erica - posted on 06/19/2010

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You need to focus all of your energy on raising your daughter right now. If he is causing you any stress at all, get rid of him. You CAN do this on your own. You ARE doing this on your own. All he's doing is stressing you out by acting weird. Men don't adjust well to babies sometimes whether it's their biological child or not. My ex bf changed completely after our daughter was born and wouldn't even stay around us, so I moved away from him and he never contacted me about her, she's now gonna be 5 on 7-3. My husband and I got married and everything was great until I had our son in march '09. My husband didn't want anything to do with either of my kids and sat upstairs and played video games instead of interacting with either child. I encouraged him to move to another state to find a job. Now he lives 14 hours away. It's much easier to handle a child on your own than you may think. About needing time to yourself to take showers, mow, just relax, think about this: she won't die if you leave her in her crib for a while. She will cry. She will most likely cry herself to sleep. As long as she's not sick and there are no smothering hazards in her crib, she most likely won't die if you take a nice soothing shower. You could even ask a neighbor to mow your lawn for you if you're afraid of leaving her for that long. Don't you stress yourself out over some guy who you've been dating for 3 months. You can do this without him. Your life now revolves around your little girl. You'll have time to find a man when she's a bit older. Don't you worry :)

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I didn't even catch that Jennifer!!! Why are you mowing the lawn 3 weeks after having a baby?! If you're not supposed to be driving a car yet, then I don't think you should be pushing or driving a lawnmower!!!!

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If your not comfortable chatting with him how he's feeling about your baby then how will you be comfortable ever having to rely on him to care for your baby? And why should you ask him to hold her or feed her etc.. shouldn't he just want to do that? if he doesn't want to be a part of your baby's life than he's not worth keeping around. When your a Mom it's not just about you anymore your a package deal, and if your man cannot except you and your baby then get rid of him, there are men out there who will. Being a new Mom is overwhelming enough, you shouldn't have to be worrying if this guy wants to participate or not. And he should mow the lawn you just had a baby for Gods sake. Don't allow your fear of being alone keep you involved in a dead end relationship with some guy who wont even touch your baby, either he steps up or steps out!!! Remember your baby's needs are more important than his or anyone elses for that matter. Be strong girl, and set your standards higher, you owe it to yourself and your babygirl.

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oh one other thing. you said that you didn't start dating until you were 7 months preggo and she only 3 weeks old. that's barely enough time for you guys to really get to know each other, much less him adjust to the idea of becoming a father figure. i'm not sure that i would want someone that i had only been dating for a couple months to be stepping up and playing daddy. i mean, how well can you possibly know him? do you know all his deep dark secrets? do you know all about his family and his childhood and his past? just sayin........

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well my husband would rather mow the grass than sit inside and watch the kids and they are his!!! i don't think that had anything to do with the baby not being his but that's just a guy for ya!!! it might not be the fact that the baby isn't his but just the fact that you have a baby. did you guys ever have a conversation about how your relationship would change when she arrived or about him playing the role of her father? you said that if you guys broke up you would be a big mess b/c you don't have any support but really, what kid of support do you have with him? none from what is sounds like. you are the only mother that child will ever have. men are a dime a dozen. you can't expect him to step up if that's not what's in his heart. the reality of the baby doesn't hit most men until the baby arrives, whereas it hits women from the moment we find out we are pregnant. we have a nine month jump on bonding with baby while they don't get to bond until they are here. the problem is it sounds like your beau doesn't have any desire to bond with her. i think you need to sit down and have a heartfelt conversation with him. ask him what he wants his role to be in her life. if he says he wants to be there and be a permanant fixture in her life then you need to support him and encourage him but if he says he just wants to be with you and not really be a part of her life then you need to tell him that she is a part of you and he needs to go because you are a package deal. one other thing. some men tend to have a harder time dealing with girls, my husband wasn't very hands on with our daughter until she was potty trained. he was uncomfortable changing her diapers and pretty much refused to give her a bath. he'd put her in the tub but wouldn't actually bathe her. but he was hinds on with our son from day one. so you have a lot of factors here to think about but i think you really need to find out how he feels, not just assume that its because he's not the father.

Stina - posted on 06/19/2010

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P.S.
Guys who love babies as their own do exist. My brother started dating his girlfriend when she was 3 months preggo. Her baby is about 3 weeks old and he treats her like his own- swaddling, holding, fetching a cover when Mom wants to nurse with a little more privacy, helps with laundry, cooks, lets Mom get a shower etc. I haven't seen it since I'm not around a lot- but I'm sure he also does diaper changes.

Stina - posted on 06/19/2010

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You say "If he leaves I will be in a really big mess"

but, you have your own place/he has his own place which tells me you are already able to care for yourself financially.

As for having a second person around to help with the baby- if he isn't big on caring for a kid NOW, you can't really expect that to change. Bottom line, you need what is best for your kid. (showers can be taken when alone with a baby- if you are afraid of her crying and you not hearing, put her in an infant seat in the bathroom or find an infant monitor.)

So yes- talk to him, But, you need to understand and view yourself as a catch- as someone he is lucky to have in his life.

You CAN take care of your baby on your own. Sounds like you already are since this guy isn't keen on helping with a crying kid.

You say "I don't want him to be mad at me and start fighting"

Couples argue. They have differences and they work through them. If this relationship is going to work, you need to feel comfortable bringing up your issues to him.

Honestly, I think you CAN ask for a better guy to be with. I think you and your dd DESERVE a man who will step and love you for who you are. I don't know you- but I'm sure you are many wonderful things- of all the things that make you YOU, a guy who deserves your love will also love you as the mother of your precious baby.

Candice - posted on 06/19/2010

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i don't think it matters if the baby is his or another man's. Some men don't get it. While you're pregnant, they think all is cool. once they hear a crying baby, they hide and avoid it like the plague. It's why i'm single...my daughter's real father was the same way.

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