New mom needing help!

Kayla - posted on 11/25/2008

She has to learn that you need mommy time. My 3 year old does that sometimes. Well, she doesn't cry but some days she thinks that I have to play with her constantly. I tell her that she needs to go play and that I need mommy time to get a few things done. I know it's always hard to hear our own child cry...but they will learn.

Karen - posted on 11/25/2008

It sounds to me like separation anxiety. It's perfectly normal & healthy, and a sign that your baby girl is attached and making some cognitive leaps. It also should pass, once she learns that you will *always* come back. Is she mobile at all? If not, when you leave the room, she can't follow you; and while you know you'll be right back, for all she knows you might never return and she isn't able to do anything about it! I know it sounds dramatic, but they are utterly dependent and their experience is so limited. Once she can crawl and walk, she'll probably just follow you from room to room rather than crying. For now, I'd keep her with you- it sounds like she needs to be near you, not necessarily carried- but if she also needs the contact, a sling is a wonderful thing. If you're just walking to another room for a second and will be right back, tell her. It's important not to try to sneak away, because then she'll always be wondering when you might disappear. You can even practice- tell her you will be right back, that you will always come back; then step away and come right back. Also maybe see if someone can relieve you from time to time, since you are feeling stressed by it.

This is real and will probably last a very short time. My 17 month old went through it and now is almost *too* independent!

Try not to feel like you need to have her grow up too fast- they are tiny for such a short time. And feel free to disregard anything I've said that isn't helpful to you. ;-)

Here's some info from kidshealth.org:
How Separation Anxiety Develops

Babies adapt pretty well to other caregivers. Parents probably feel more anxiety about being separated than infants do! As long as their needs are being met, most babies younger than 6 months adjust easily to other people.

Sometime between 4-7 months, babies develop a sense of object permanence and begin to learn that things and people exist even when they're out of sight. This is when babies start playing the "dropsy" game — dropping things over the side of the high chair and expecting an adult to retrieve it (which, once retrieved, get dropped again!).

The same thing occurs with a parent. Babies realize that there's only mom or dad, and when they can't see you, that means you've gone away. And most don't yet yet understand the concept of time so do not know if or when you'll come back.

Whether you're in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it's all the same to your baby. You've disappeared, and your child will do whatever he or she can to prevent this from happening.

Jenn - posted on 11/25/2008

It is very age appropriate and normal at this age for children to want you nearby and cry when they are alone. Could you take her with you and maybe set her up with toys near where you need to be; for example keep a small basket of goodies in your room so she can play near you while you make the bed or fold laundry and maybe a few things to occupy her in the kitchen while you do dishes or cook? As she gets older she will be more independent but she will learn this by feeling secure with you so don't rush her. Many moms find that wearing their babies in a sling or baby carrier helps their baby feel secure and gives them hands-free access to things they need to do. Good luck! This stage won't last forever!

Kate - posted on 11/25/2008

You're not nuts Amanda! Now that I'm a grandma and my children are grown - I laugh at the things I worried about. And I can see so clearly in the way other people's children behave, things that I could not see at all in own children. That whole emotional attachment thing - it makes everything so much more intense.

And it makes it harder to see when our children are learning how to make us do things by behaving in certain ways.

Last fall I was way out in the country and stopped at a grocery with a Subway in it. The eating area is actually part of this aisle in the grocery store. There was a little girl about the same age as your girl. And a toddler boy, Mom and a Dad. I had to leave after a few minutes because I wanted to giggle so much and it would have aggravated two already upset parents.

This little girl screamed when her parents went to get their food. They came back, she stopped and actually looked at me with a big grin, as if to say, "Did you see what I can do?"

Then the Mom and the boy went to the bathroom and this girl screamed until they came back.

Your little darling is working you :-) Experimenting with what you will do if she cried.

The best thing that you can do is to ignore it. (You know by now the difference in her cry if she's really hurt or hungry and this kind of a cry - just mad). Go about your business and keep an eye on her. When she is NOT crying (and this can take a while, you'll have to watch for it and then act quickly), then you pick her up and pay attention to her. If she starts the mad cry when you pay attention to her, put her back where she was and stand with your back to her.

After a few times, she'll get the hint. That she won't get what she wants, your attention, by crying.