night night time help

Sarah - posted on 05/14/2009

Quoting Tara:

Quoting Taneeka:

night night time help

my son screams at night when i try to lay him down and i have tried putting him down when he's tired but not over tired....tried when hes over tired...and he's on a a schedule..we do bath book and then bed....i have tried going in ever 2, 5, 10 minutes to reassure him and he just screams and it breaks my heart and i feel like the world's worst mom but my ped says i cant rock him to sleep anymore...HELP!!!!

Your DOCTOR told you that you "can't" rock him to sleep anymore!? You have got to be kidding me!  That is absolutely horrible.  You need to remember who is in charge of your child...your doctor or you.  You are your childs best advocate.  "Not rocking your baby" is not a medical researched fact. That is his opinion....and it is a sad and ridiculous opinion IMO.   I suggest you ignore this advice whole heartedly (and get a new doctor).  Doctors are there for medical puruposes....not for telling you whether or not to rock your sweet baby to sleep or not.  Right now as we speak, my two year old daughter is snuggling on my lap nursing while she sleeps.  No doctor is going to tell me, her mother, how to put her to sleep and whether I should or shouldn't rock her.

 

Letting a baby cry himself to sleep is cruel and mean.  If it feels wrong to you, LISTEN to your gut.  If you feel like the world's worst mom when you let your baby scream his head off because you want him to sleep, listen to that. 

If your baby sleeps well after being rocked to sleep...GO WITH IT!  Your baby will be grown up before you know it....so treasure the time you have to bond and cuddle and snuggle and smell his sweet baby smell by rocking him and signing him to sleep.

Why don't you try to bring him into bed with you?  I bet he would feel much safer and more comfortable sleeping next to his favorite person in the entire world.

Info from here:  http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t10220...

"SLEEPING SAFELY WITH YOUR BABY

There has been a lot of media lately claiming that sleeping with your baby in an adult bed is unsafe and can result in accidental smothering of an infant. One popular research study came out in 1999 from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission that showed 515 cases of accidental infant deaths occurred in an adult bed over an 8-year period between 1990 and 1997. That's about 65 deaths per year. These deaths were not classified as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), where the cause of death is undetermined. There were actual causes that were verified upon review of the scene and autopsy. Such causes included accidental smothering by an adult, getting trapped between the mattress and headboard or other furniture, and suffocation on a soft waterbed mattress.

The conclusion that the researchers drew from this study was that sleeping with an infant in an adult bed is dangerous and should never be done. This sounds like a reasonable conclusion, until you consider the epidemic of SIDS as a whole. During the 8-year period of this study, about 34,000 total cases of SIDS occurred in the U.S. (around 4250 per year). If 65 cases of non-SIDS accidental death occurred each year in a bed, and about 4250 cases of actual SIDS occurred overall each year, then the number of accidental deaths in an adult bed is only 1.5% of the total cases of SIDS.

There are two pieces of critical data that are missing that would allow us to determine the risk of SIDS or any cause of death in a bed versus a crib.

 

How many cases of actual SIDS occur in an adult bed versus in a crib?
How many babies sleep with their parents in the U.S., and how many sleep in cribs?

The data on the first question is available, but has anyone examined it? In fact, one independent researcher examined the CPSC's data and came to the opposite conclusion than did the CPSC - this data supports the conclusion that sleeping with your baby is actually SAFER than not sleeping with your baby (see Mothering Magazine Sept/Oct 2002). As for the second question, many people may think that very few babies sleep with their parents, but we shouldn't be too quick to assume this. The number of parents that bring their babies into their bed at 4 am is probably quite high. Some studies have shown that over half of parents bring their baby into bed with them at least part of the night. And the number that sleep with their infants the whole night is probably considerable as well. In fact, in most countries around the world sleeping with your baby is the norm, not the exception. And what is the incidence of SIDS in these countries? During the 1990s, in Japan the rate was only one tenth of the U.S. rate, and in Hong Kong, it was only 3% of the U.S. rate. These are just two examples. Some countries do have a higher rate of SIDS, depending on how SIDS is defined.

Until a legitimate survey is done to determine how many babies sleep with their parents, and this is factored into the rate of SIDS in a bed versus a crib, it is unwarranted to state that sleeping in a crib is safer than a bed.

If the incidence of SIDS is dramatically higher in crib versus a parent's bed, and because the cases of accidental smothering and entrapment are only 1.5% of the total SIDS cases, then sleeping with a baby in your bed would be far safer than putting baby in a crib.

The answer is not to tell parents they shouldn't sleep with their baby, but rather to educate them on how to sleep with their infants safely.

Now the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and the Juvenile Products Manufacturer's Association are launching a campaign based on research data from 1999, 2000, and 2001. During these three years, there have been 180 cases of non-SIDS accidental deaths occurring in an adult bed. Again, that's around 60 per year, similar to statistics from 1990 to 1997. How many total cases of SIDS have occurred during these 3 years? Around 2600 per year. This decline from the previous decade is thought to be due to the "back to sleep" campaign - educating parents to place their babies on their back to sleep. So looking at the past three years, the number of non-SIDS accidental deaths is only 2% of the total cases of SIDS.

A conflict of interest? Who is behind this new national campaign to warn parents not to sleep with their babies? In addition to the USCPSC, the Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association (JPMA) is co-sponsoring this campaign. The JPMA? An association of crib manufacturers. This is a huge conflict of interest. Actually, this campaign is exactly in the interest of the JPMA.

What does the research say? The September/October 2002 issue of Mothering Magazine presents research done throughout the whole world on the issue of safe sleep. Numerous studies are presented by experts of excellent reputation. And what is the magazine's conclusion based on all this research? That not only is sleeping with your baby safe, but it is actually much safer than having your baby sleep in a crib. Research shows that infants who sleep in a crib are twice as likely to suffer a sleep related fatality (including SIDS) than infants who sleep in bed with their parents.

Education on safe sleep. I do support the USCPSC's efforts to research sleep safety and to decrease the incidence of SIDS, but I feel they should go about it differently. Instead of launching a national campaign to discourage parents from sleeping with their infants, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission should educate parents on how to sleep safely with their infants if they choose to do so.

Here are some ways to educate parents on how to sleep safely with their baby:

 

Use an Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper® Bassinet. An alternative to sleeping with baby in your bed is the Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper®. This crib-like bed fits safely and snuggly adjacent to parent's bed. The co-sleeper® arrangement gives parents and baby their own separate sleeping spaces yet, keeps baby within arm's reach for easy nighttime care. To learn more about the Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper® Bassinet visit .

 

Take precautions to prevent baby from rolling out of bed, even though it is unlikely when baby is sleeping next to mother. Like heat-seeking missiles, babies automatically gravitate toward a warm body. Yet, to be safe, place baby between mother and a guardrail or push the mattress flush against the wall and position baby between mother and the wall. Guardrails enclosed with plastic mesh are safer than those with slats, which can entrap baby's limbs or head. Be sure the guardrail is flush against the mattress so there is no crevice that baby could sink into.

 

Place baby adjacent to mother, rather than between mother and father. Mothers we have interviewed on the subject of sharing sleep feel they are so physically and mentally aware of their baby's presence even while sleeping, that it's extremely unlikely they would roll over onto their baby. Some fathers, on the other hand, may not enjoy the same sensitivity of baby's presence while asleep; so it is possible they might roll over on or throw out an arm onto baby. After a few months of sleep-sharing, most dads seem to develop a keen awareness of their baby's presence.

 

Place baby to sleep on his back.

 

Use a large bed, preferably a queen-size or king-size. A king-size bed may wind up being your most useful piece of "baby furniture." If you only have a cozy double bed, use the money that you would ordinarily spend on a fancy crib and other less necessary baby furniture and treat yourselves to a safe and comfortable king-size bed.

 

Some parents and babies sleep better if baby is still in touching and hearing distance, but not in the same bed. For them, a bedside co-sleeper is a safe option.

 

Here are some things to avoid:

 

Do not sleep with your baby if:

 

You are under the influence of any drug (such as alcohol or tranquilizing medications) that diminishes your sensitivity to your baby's presence. If you are drunk or drugged, these chemicals lessen your arousability from sleep.

 

You are extremely obese. Obesity itself may cause sleep apnea in the mother, in addition to the smothering danger of pendulous breasts and large fat rolls.

 

You are exhausted from sleep deprivation. This lessens your awareness of your baby and your arousability from sleep.

 

You are breastfeeding a baby on a cushiony surface, such as a waterbed or couch. An exhausted mother could fall asleep breastfeeding and roll over on the baby.

 

You are the child's baby-sitter. A baby-sitter's awareness and arousability is unlikely to be as acute as a mother's.

 

Don't allow older siblings to sleep with a baby under nine months. Sleeping children do not have the same awareness of tiny babies as do parents, and too small or too crowded a bed space is an unsafe sleeping arrangement for a tiny baby.

 

Don't fall asleep with baby on a couch. Baby may get wedged between the back of the couch and the larger person's body, or baby's head may become buried in cushion crevices or soft cushions.

 

Do not sleep with baby on a free-floating, wavy waterbed or similar "sinky" surface in which baby could suffocate.

 

Don't overheat or overbundle baby. Be particularly aware of overbundling if baby is sleeping with a parent. Other warm bodies are an added heat source.

 

Don't wear lingerie with string ties longer than eight inches. Ditto for dangling jewelry. Baby may get caught in these entrapments.

 

Avoid pungent hair sprays, deodorants, and perfumes. Not only will these camouflage the natural maternal smells that baby is used to and attracted to, but foreign odors may irritate and clog baby's tiny nasal passages. Reserve these enticements for sleeping alone with your spouse.

 

Parents should use common sense when sharing sleep. Anything that could cause you to sleep more soundly than usual or that alters your sleep patterns can affect your baby's safety. Nearly all the highly suspected (but seldom proven) cases of fatal "overlying" I could find in the literature could have been avoided if parents had observed common sense sleeping practices.

The bottom line is that many parents share sleep with their babies. It can be done safely if the proper precautions are observed. The question shouldn't be "is it safe to sleep with my baby?", but rather "how can I sleep with my baby safely." The data on the incidence of SIDS in a bed versus a crib must be examined before the medical community can make a judgment on sleep safety in a bed."

 

Info from here:   http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t051200...

 

"LETTING BABY "CRY-IT-OUT" YES, NO!

If only my baby could talk instead of cry I would know what she wants," said Janet, a new mother of a fussy baby. "Your baby can talk," we advised. "The key is for you to learn how to listen. When you learn the special language of your baby's cry, you will be able to respond sensitively. Here are some listening tips that will help you discover what your baby is trying to say when he cries.

The cry is not just a sound; it's a signal – designed for the survival of the baby and development of the parents. By not responding to the cry, babies and parents lose. Here's why. In the early months of life, babies cannot verbalize their needs. To fill in the gap until the child is able to "speak our language," babies have a unique language called "crying." Baby senses a need, such as hunger for food or the need to be comforted when upset, and this need triggers a sound we call a cry. Baby does not ponder in his little mind, "It's 3:00 a.m. and I think I'll wake up mommy for a little snack." No! That faulty reasoning is placing an adult interpretation on a tiny infant. Also, babies do not have the mental acuity to figure out why a parent would respond to their cries at three in the afternoon, but not at three in the morning. The newborn who cries is saying: "I need something; something is not right here. Please make it right."

At the top of the list of unhelpful advice – one that every new parent is bound to hear – is "Let your baby cry-it-out." To see how unwise and unhelpful is this advice, let's analyze each word in this mother-baby connection- interfering phrase.

"Let your baby." Some third-party advisor who has no biological connection to your baby, no knowledge or investment in your baby, and isn't even there at 3:00 a.m. when your baby cries, has the nerve to pontificate to you how to respond to your baby's cries.

The cry is a marvelous design. Consider what might happen if the infant didn't cry. He's hungry, but doesn't awaken ("He sleeps through the night," brags the parent of a sleep-trained baby). He hurts, but doesn't let anyone know. The result of this lack of communication is known, ultimately, as "failure to thrive." "Thriving" means not only getting bigger, but growing to your full potential emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

"Cry…" Not only is the cry a wonderful design for babies; it is a useful divine design for parents, especially the mother. When a mother hears her baby cry, the blood flow to her breasts increases, accompanied by the biological urge to "pick up and nurse" her baby. ("Nurse" means comforting, not just breastfeeding.) As an added biological perk, the maternal hormones released when baby nurses relax the mother, so she gives a less tense and more nurturing response to her infant's needs. These biological changes – part of the design of the mother-baby communication network – explain why it's easy for someone else to advise you to let your baby cry, but difficult for you to do. That counterproductive advice is not biologically correct.

"It…" Consider what exactly is the "it" in "cry-it-out": an annoying habit? Unlikely, since babies don't enjoy crying. And, contrary to popular thought, crying is not "good for baby's lungs." That belief is not physiologically correct. The "it" is an emotional or physical need. Something is not right and the only way baby has of telling us this is to cry, pleading with us to make it right. Early on, consider baby's cry as signaling a need – communication rather than manipulation.

Parent tip: Babies cry to communicate – not manipulate

"Out" What actually goes "out" of a baby, parents, and the relationship when a baby is left to cry-it-out? Since the cry is a baby's language, a communication tool, a baby has two choices if no one listens. Either he can cry louder, harder, and produce a more disturbing signal or he can clam up and become a "good baby" (meaning "quiet"). If no one listens, he will become a very discouraged baby. He'll learn the one thing you don't want him to: that he can't communicate.

Baby loses trust in the signal value of his cry – and perhaps baby also loses trust in the responsiveness of his caregivers. Not only does something vital go "out" of baby, an important ingredient in the parent- child relationship goes "out" of parents: sensitivity. When you respond intuitively to your infant's needs, as you practice this cue- response listening skill hundreds of times in the early months, baby learns to cue better (the cries take on a less disturbing and more communicative quality as baby learns to "talk better"). On the flip side of the mother-infant communication, you learn to read your infant's cries and respond appropriately (meaning when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and how fast). In time you learn the ultimate in crying sensitivity: to read baby's body language and respond to her pre-cry signals so baby doesn't always have to cry to communicate her needs.

What happens if you "harden your heart," view the cry as a control rather than a communication tool and turn a deaf ear to baby's cries? When you go against your basic biology, you desensitize yourself to your baby's signals and your instinctive responses. Eventually, the cry doesn't bother you. You lose trust in your baby's signals, and you lose trust in your ability to understand baby's primitive language. A distance develops between you and your baby and you run the risk of becoming what pediatricians refer to as a doctor-tell-me-what-to-do. You listen to a book instead of your baby. So, not listening and responding sensitively to baby's cries is a lose-lose situation: Baby loses trust in caregivers and caregivers lose trust in their own sensitivity.

Mother loses trust in herself. To illustrate how a mother can weaken her God- given sensitivity when she lets herself be less discerning about parenting advice; a sensitive veteran mother recently shared this story with us:

"I went to visit my friend who just had a baby. While we were talking, her three-week-old started crying in another room. The baby kept crying, harder and louder. I was getting increasingly driven to go comfort the baby. Her baby's cries didn't bother her, but they bothered me. My breasts almost started to leak milk! Yet, my friend seemed oblivious to her baby's signals. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and I said, 'It's okay, go attend to your baby. We can talk later.' Matter-of-factly she replied, 'No, it's not time yet for his feeding.' Incredulous, I asked, 'Mary, where on earth did you get that harmful advice?' 'From a baby-training class at church,' she proudly insisted. 'I want my baby to learn I'm in control, not him.'"

This novice mother, wanting to do the best for her baby and believing she was being a good mother, had allowed herself to succumb to uncredentialed prophets of bad parenting advice and was losing her God-given sensitivity to her baby. She was starting her parenting career with a distance developing between her and her baby. The pair was becoming disconnected"

 

Please listen to your instincts and don't let your baby cry himself to sleep.  It only creates distrust and distance between you and your child.  Babies need their mothers, and if he is not sleeping well, try the other suggetions that I posted about.

Good luck!!  It will get better!!  *hugs*

You have to be kidding me! Babies don't lose trust in their caregivers if they don't come to their side every time they let out a peep. They don't understand they are babies. They don't have that capability. And putting them in bed with you is NOT a good idea! Do you want your child to be 12 and still sleeping with you? Probably not. I have no idea where you get this information from. It is not cruel whatsoever. They need to learn that they can't get what they want all the time. And if you instill that behavior in them at an early age you will be so much happier and so will they. It will not be fun when your kid is 5 and you want some alone time with your husband or significant other and your kid is screaming and throwing a fit because you put them in their own bed. Why? Because they don't know any different and they are used to getting their own way. Continuely having to get up in the middle of the night to comfort your child at every peep is a waste of your time. You can tell if they are crying because they are hurt or if they need something or if they are just being fussy waiting for you to come. They will NEVER sleep through the night if you keep doing that. You're just making your life so much harder and miserable if you have to go through all that.

Lindsey - posted on 05/14/2009

the more often you go in the more he is going to cry because he knows you are going to go in after him

Lindsey - posted on 05/14/2009

tara...that is kinda terrible advise if she is already have sleeping problem why would you want her to create another one..by co sleeping...thats just creating a problem that will later need to be solved and harder to get over for the child as he gets older...crying never hurt a baby...putting the baby to bed and letting him cry for a few minutes isn't cruel its just what people do and it happens to work....or you could just eliminate the sleeping problem all together and ALWAYS put the baby to sleep in its own bed..then there isn't any separation or any sleep problems

Sarah - posted on 05/14/2009

You need to let him cry because he obviously knows that if he cries you will come running to his side. Most of the time when babies cry like that they are NOT crying because they are sad or hurt or need something. They are crying because they know that if they do that they will get what they want. Eventually they will understand that you aren't going to come and will go to sleep.

Muriel - posted on 05/13/2009

try putting something with your smell on it in with him,like a small blanket or a t-shirt just to give him that little bit of security that he can smell you an sense you are there it worked for my 11mth old granddaughter

Tara - posted on 05/13/2009

Quoting Taneeka:

night night time help

my son screams at night when i try to lay him down and i have tried putting him down when he's tired but not over tired....tried when hes over tired...and he's on a a schedule..we do bath book and then bed....i have tried going in ever 2, 5, 10 minutes to reassure him and he just screams and it breaks my heart and i feel like the world's worst mom but my ped says i cant rock him to sleep anymore...HELP!!!!

Your DOCTOR told you that you "can't" rock him to sleep anymore!? You have got to be kidding me!  That is absolutely horrible.  You need to remember who is in charge of your child...your doctor or you.  You are your childs best advocate.  "Not rocking your baby" is not a medical researched fact. That is his opinion....and it is a sad and ridiculous opinion IMO.   I suggest you ignore this advice whole heartedly (and get a new doctor).  Doctors are there for medical puruposes....not for telling you whether or not to rock your sweet baby to sleep or not.  Right now as we speak, my two year old daughter is snuggling on my lap nursing while she sleeps.  No doctor is going to tell me, her mother, how to put her to sleep and whether I should or shouldn't rock her.

Letting a baby cry himself to sleep is cruel and mean.  If it feels wrong to you, LISTEN to your gut.  If you feel like the world's worst mom when you let your baby scream his head off because you want him to sleep, listen to that. 

If your baby sleeps well after being rocked to sleep...GO WITH IT!  Your baby will be grown up before you know it....so treasure the time you have to bond and cuddle and snuggle and smell his sweet baby smell by rocking him and signing him to sleep.

Why don't you try to bring him into bed with you?  I bet he would feel much safer and more comfortable sleeping next to his favorite person in the entire world.

Info from here:  http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t10220...

There has been a lot of media lately claiming that sleeping with your baby in an adult bed is unsafe and can result in accidental smothering of an infant. One popular research study came out in 1999 from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission that showed 515 cases of accidental infant deaths occurred in an adult bed over an 8-year period between 1990 and 1997. That's about 65 deaths per year. These deaths were not classified as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), where the cause of death is undetermined. There were actual causes that were verified upon review of the scene and autopsy. Such causes included accidental smothering by an adult, getting trapped between the mattress and headboard or other furniture, and suffocation on a soft waterbed mattress.

The conclusion that the researchers drew from this study was that sleeping with an infant in an adult bed is dangerous and should never be done. This sounds like a reasonable conclusion, until you consider the epidemic of SIDS as a whole. During the 8-year period of this study, about 34,000 total cases of SIDS occurred in the U.S. (around 4250 per year). If 65 cases of non-SIDS accidental death occurred each year in a bed, and about 4250 cases of actual SIDS occurred overall each year, then the number of accidental deaths in an adult bed is only 1.5% of the total cases of SIDS.

There are two pieces of critical data that are missing that would allow us to determine the risk of SIDS or any cause of death in a bed versus a crib.

The data on the first question is available, but has anyone examined it? In fact, one independent researcher examined the CPSC's data and came to the opposite conclusion than did the CPSC - this data supports the conclusion that sleeping with your baby is actually SAFER than not sleeping with your baby (see Mothering Magazine Sept/Oct 2002). As for the second question, many people may think that very few babies sleep with their parents, but we shouldn't be too quick to assume this. The number of parents that bring their babies into their bed at 4 am is probably quite high. Some studies have shown that over half of parents bring their baby into bed with them at least part of the night. And the number that sleep with their infants the whole night is probably considerable as well. In fact, in most countries around the world sleeping with your baby is the norm, not the exception. And what is the incidence of SIDS in these countries? During the 1990s, in Japan the rate was only one tenth of the U.S. rate, and in Hong Kong, it was only 3% of the U.S. rate. These are just two examples. Some countries do have a higher rate of SIDS, depending on how SIDS is defined.

Until a legitimate survey is done to determine how many babies sleep with their parents, and this is factored into the rate of SIDS in a bed versus a crib, it is unwarranted to state that sleeping in a crib is safer than a bed.

If the incidence of SIDS is dramatically higher in crib versus a parent's bed, and because the cases of accidental smothering and entrapment are only 1.5% of the total SIDS cases, then sleeping with a baby in your bed would be far safer than putting baby in a crib.

The answer is not to tell parents they shouldn't sleep with their baby, but rather to educate them on how to sleep with their infants safely.

Now the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission and the Juvenile Products Manufacturer's Association are launching a campaign based on research data from 1999, 2000, and 2001. During these three years, there have been 180 cases of non-SIDS accidental deaths occurring in an adult bed. Again, that's around 60 per year, similar to statistics from 1990 to 1997. How many total cases of SIDS have occurred during these 3 years? Around 2600 per year. This decline from the previous decade is thought to be due to the "back to sleep" campaign - educating parents to place their babies on their back to sleep. So looking at the past three years, the number of non-SIDS accidental deaths is only 2% of the total cases of SIDS.

A conflict of interest? Who is behind this new national campaign to warn parents not to sleep with their babies? In addition to the USCPSC, the Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association (JPMA) is co-sponsoring this campaign. The JPMA? An association of crib manufacturers. This is a huge conflict of interest. Actually, this campaign is exactly in the interest of the JPMA.

What does the research say? The September/October 2002 issue of Mothering Magazine presents research done throughout the whole world on the issue of safe sleep. Numerous studies are presented by experts of excellent reputation. And what is the magazine's conclusion based on all this research? That not only is sleeping with your baby safe, but it is actually much safer than having your baby sleep in a crib. Research shows that infants who sleep in a crib are twice as likely to suffer a sleep related fatality (including SIDS) than infants who sleep in bed with their parents.

Education on safe sleep. I do support the USCPSC's efforts to research sleep safety and to decrease the incidence of SIDS, but I feel they should go about it differently. Instead of launching a national campaign to discourage parents from sleeping with their infants, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission should educate parents on how to sleep safely with their infants if they choose to do so.

Here are some ways to educate parents on how to sleep safely with their baby:

Here are some things to avoid:

Parents should use common sense when sharing sleep. Anything that could cause you to sleep more soundly than usual or that alters your sleep patterns can affect your baby's safety. Nearly all the highly suspected (but seldom proven) cases of fatal "overlying" I could find in the literature could have been avoided if parents had observed common sense sleeping practices.

The bottom line is that many parents share sleep with their babies. It can be done safely if the proper precautions are observed. The question shouldn't be "is it safe to sleep with my baby?", but rather "how can I sleep with my baby safely." The data on the incidence of SIDS in a bed versus a crib must be examined before the medical community can make a judgment on sleep safety in a bed."

Info from here:   http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t051200...

If only my baby could talk instead of cry I would know what she wants," said Janet, a new mother of a fussy baby. "Your baby can talk," we advised. "The key is for you to learn how to listen. When you learn the special language of your baby's cry, you will be able to respond sensitively. Here are some listening tips that will help you discover what your baby is trying to say when he cries.

The cry is not just a sound; it's a signal – designed for the survival of the baby and development of the parents. By not responding to the cry, babies and parents lose. Here's why. In the early months of life, babies cannot verbalize their needs. To fill in the gap until the child is able to "speak our language," babies have a unique language called "crying." Baby senses a need, such as hunger for food or the need to be comforted when upset, and this need triggers a sound we call a cry. Baby does not ponder in his little mind, "It's 3:00 a.m. and I think I'll wake up mommy for a little snack." No! That faulty reasoning is placing an adult interpretation on a tiny infant. Also, babies do not have the mental acuity to figure out why a parent would respond to their cries at three in the afternoon, but not at three in the morning. The newborn who cries is saying: "I need something; something is not right here. Please make it right."

At the top of the list of unhelpful advice – one that every new parent is bound to hear – is "Let your baby cry-it-out." To see how unwise and unhelpful is this advice, let's analyze each word in this mother-baby connection- interfering phrase.

"Let your baby." Some third-party advisor who has no biological connection to your baby, no knowledge or investment in your baby, and isn't even there at 3:00 a.m. when your baby cries, has the nerve to pontificate to you how to respond to your baby's cries.

The cry is a marvelous design. Consider what might happen if the infant didn't cry. He's hungry, but doesn't awaken ("He sleeps through the night," brags the parent of a sleep-trained baby). He hurts, but doesn't let anyone know. The result of this lack of communication is known, ultimately, as "failure to thrive." "Thriving" means not only getting bigger, but growing to your full potential emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

"Cry…" Not only is the cry a wonderful design for babies; it is a useful divine design for parents, especially the mother. When a mother hears her baby cry, the blood flow to her breasts increases, accompanied by the biological urge to "pick up and nurse" her baby. ("Nurse" means comforting, not just breastfeeding.) As an added biological perk, the maternal hormones released when baby nurses relax the mother, so she gives a less tense and more nurturing response to her infant's needs. These biological changes – part of the design of the mother-baby communication network – explain why it's easy for someone else to advise you to let your baby cry, but difficult for you to do. That counterproductive advice is not biologically correct.

"It…" Consider what exactly is the "it" in "cry-it-out": an annoying habit? Unlikely, since babies don't enjoy crying. And, contrary to popular thought, crying is not "good for baby's lungs." That belief is not physiologically correct. The "it" is an emotional or physical need. Something is not right and the only way baby has of telling us this is to cry, pleading with us to make it right. Early on, consider baby's cry as signaling a need – communication rather than manipulation.

"Out" What actually goes "out" of a baby, parents, and the relationship when a baby is left to cry-it-out? Since the cry is a baby's language, a communication tool, a baby has two choices if no one listens. Either he can cry louder, harder, and produce a more disturbing signal or he can clam up and become a "good baby" (meaning "quiet"). If no one listens, he will become a very discouraged baby. He'll learn the one thing you don't want him to: that he can't communicate.

Baby loses trust in the signal value of his cry – and perhaps baby also loses trust in the responsiveness of his caregivers. Not only does something vital go "out" of baby, an important ingredient in the parent- child relationship goes "out" of parents: sensitivity. When you respond intuitively to your infant's needs, as you practice this cue- response listening skill hundreds of times in the early months, baby learns to cue better (the cries take on a less disturbing and more communicative quality as baby learns to "talk better"). On the flip side of the mother-infant communication, you learn to read your infant's cries and respond appropriately (meaning when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and how fast). In time you learn the ultimate in crying sensitivity: to read baby's body language and respond to her pre-cry signals so baby doesn't always have to cry to communicate her needs.

What happens if you "harden your heart," view the cry as a control rather than a communication tool and turn a deaf ear to baby's cries? When you go against your basic biology, you desensitize yourself to your baby's signals and your instinctive responses. Eventually, the cry doesn't bother you. You lose trust in your baby's signals, and you lose trust in your ability to understand baby's primitive language. A distance develops between you and your baby and you run the risk of becoming what pediatricians refer to as a doctor-tell-me-what-to-do. You listen to a book instead of your baby. So, not listening and responding sensitively to baby's cries is a lose-lose situation: Baby loses trust in caregivers and caregivers lose trust in their own sensitivity.

Mother loses trust in herself. To illustrate how a mother can weaken her God- given sensitivity when she lets herself be less discerning about parenting advice; a sensitive veteran mother recently shared this story with us:

"I went to visit my friend who just had a baby. While we were talking, her three-week-old started crying in another room. The baby kept crying, harder and louder. I was getting increasingly driven to go comfort the baby. Her baby's cries didn't bother her, but they bothered me. My breasts almost started to leak milk! Yet, my friend seemed oblivious to her baby's signals. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and I said, 'It's okay, go attend to your baby. We can talk later.' Matter-of-factly she replied, 'No, it's not time yet for his feeding.' Incredulous, I asked, 'Mary, where on earth did you get that harmful advice?' 'From a baby-training class at church,' she proudly insisted. 'I want my baby to learn I'm in control, not him.'"

This novice mother, wanting to do the best for her baby and believing she was being a good mother, had allowed herself to succumb to uncredentialed prophets of bad parenting advice and was losing her God-given sensitivity to her baby. She was starting her parenting career with a distance developing between her and her baby. The pair was becoming disconnected"

Please listen to your instincts and don't let your baby cry himself to sleep.  It only creates distrust and distance between you and your child.  Babies need their mothers, and if he is not sleeping well, try the other suggetions that I posted about.

Good luck!!  It will get better!!  *hugs*

Kim - posted on 05/13/2009

First off, the fact that your child isn't self-soothing/regulating and falling asleep on his own does NOT make you a bad mom. :)

You have a routine, that is good...baby's like routines. How old is the little guy, still on the bottle? Have you tried a night time bottle? Maybe taking a bottle in the crib will work, he'll drink and get sleepy. Or. maybe a noise machine. My son sleeps very good with the sound of his humidifier. And what the Ped says is simply a suggestion, not a law. If rocking your lil guy to sleep works for the two of you, and you are still fine with it, do it, because you need your sleep, and piece of mind, too. But it can become a 'habit', & that sounds like the problem here..but can you blame the kiddo? I would love to be rocked to sleep everynight! :)

Cory - posted on 05/13/2009

I nursed my son to sleep for 16 months. Then i started putting him in his crib awake. He resisted. Screamed for hours, even w/ mom n dad checking in on him every 10 - 20 mins. In two weeks, he was crying less. I thought it was working. then one night, we put him down, there was no cries at all. He came strolling out of his room. He had scaled the crib and was out!! I knew that he would do it every night so we got him a toddler bed. Now one of us lays down with him (usually takes anywhere from 30 mins to an hour) and we read a book and reflect over our busy day. When he is ready, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. That's what works at our house. Now, I'm not sure if that is what a pediatrician would advise, but you are the parent and you know your child better than anyone else. The main thing is to be consistant. And don't stress. They can sense it you know. Good Luck

Lynda - posted on 05/13/2009

Keep the routine up that you're doing but try not to pick him up as it seems to make things worse. He will adjust given time. Ive got 4 kids and i've found that if they have good quality naps during the day and not too many the bedtime is easier.

Agena - posted on 05/12/2009

All I can say is that I rocked my daughter to sleep until it became a problem at about 7months. I would rock her to sleep but as soon as I got up to put her down she would start crying. So I did the bed routine I put her in the crib and rubbed her back for 5min. told her I loved her and walked out. The first night she cried for 45min. I did go in after 5min. and rubbed her back then at 10min etc... By the third night she fell asleep on her own and slept thru the night for the first time. Good luck!!!!

Cheri - posted on 05/12/2009

Well, depending on their age....When I layed them down for their nap I usually didn't start having trouble until they were 2.. but if he is younger... Put him in his crib and lay down beside his bed, or if in a bed, lay with him and read to him. Reassure him that you are there with him. Let him know that when he wakes you will be there to get him. I am not sure why a ped Dr. wouldn't allow rocking him (acid reflux, colic?) but I rocked my kids until they were like 3. Get a ritual down. I read 3 books no more than that and sang "You are my sunshine" and till this day I sing to my daughter ( and she is 10 and reads at a 10th grade level) Make bedtime fun and they shouldn't have any problems. If you feel that is fed, clean and everything you have done is still not working, he is working on that last nerve, leave him and he will be ok. It is the hardest thing to have to listen to them cry but in the end you have to know that there is not one more thing that can help. You have done what a mother should. You need to say to yourself ," I am a good mother and I want the best for him. That is all you can do. Just know that it can usually take about 1 week for any change to take effect. So don't give up there is always HOPE. If none of these work talk with another Dr. I have been to many doctors and if you don't feel right about something, use that instinct. You are the one that knows him. Good luck and I will pray for you and yours.

Mary Beth - posted on 05/12/2009

I bought one of those noise things. It worked for me. I have a 2 y/o and a 7 m/o and they both go to bed at the same time every night whether they are "tired" or not. Bedtime is bedtime. I play a clock radio for about 45 min until they sleep now. I no longer have to use the noise machine. Do what you feel is right. I agree that babies get into habits. I let my first one cry when she was little. I let her go for about 5-10 min a couple of days, then for about 15 min for a couple more. She was fine after about 5 days. I guess she figured out she was ok and that I would come if something was wrong. They both sleep through the night with no issues.

Jamie - posted on 05/12/2009

Why can't you rock him? Look at it this way....he's never going to be this little again. And if rocking him for 15 minutes does the trick....rock him. I hate it when ped's. try to make mom's feel bad for doing stuff like this. Rocking him is not going to hurt him at all. When he's ready he'll go to bed on his own, but for now he still needs you to help him settle.

Liz - posted on 05/12/2009

A night lite and a tape of Barney songs worked with my daughter. If your child likes music I would find something that has the abc's on it too, my duaghter knew them in English, French, and Hebrew by the time she was 12 months old.

Nicole - posted on 05/11/2009

hey Taneeka :)

I am mother of two kids....and i have found myself in your problem lol

I found that a trick that works is the first few times dont leave him alone in the room go and sit at the end of his bed with him and tell him its time to sleep and all and then as time goes by move closer and closer too the door until he is use to being put in his room alone for bed time...he might feel scared or unsecured without his mothers protection and love he feels when you rock him too bed :)

hope this as served you some good help or advice i should say...

i have learned patience is a big key althought it can get tough but dont give up it will work ;)

take care

a mother 2 a mother

have a good day :)

Heather - posted on 05/11/2009

Melissa~ I got the Rainforest toy for my little guy too! He absolutely LOVES IT!! The best $36 that I have ever spent!! I can just put him in his bed awake and he goes to sleep on his own!

Katy - posted on 05/11/2009

I really loved the book "The No-cry Sleep Solution". I couldn't bear to hear him cry and I, being military have about ten different Pediatricians with ten different ideas so do the one that feels right! Good luck, being a mommy is all guess work!

Yvonne - posted on 05/11/2009

Quoting Kristin:

My Daughter just turned a year old. I have never just put her in her crib (awake) for her to fall alseep on her own. Most times for bed/nap time she is held my myslef or her Daddy, gets a bottle or binky (only gets binky at these times), and her blankie. We sing to her as she falls a sleep then she gets laid doen in her crib or sometimes we nap with her in bed. Latley though she doesn't always want to be held. She will take her blankie and lay on the floor and fall alseep on her own, then we move her to her crib. I don't see the problem with holding your young child while they fall asleep. I am going to enjoy it for as long as I can...they grow up too fast as it is...soon enough they won't want you to cuddle them.

i agree.  i do the same with my daughter. enjoy it while it lasts :-)

Heather - posted on 05/11/2009

I'm going through the same thing (and was for months). It's really all about consistency. I've found if I go in every few minutes it's actually making it worse but if I stand outside the door & talk to them they understand I'm not giving in. It's timing (putting the child to bed the same time every night). One of my twins is actually putting herself to sleep & only after a very short period of time. Evertually they will calm themselves down & go to sleep. Children need typically 20 minutes of quiet time to wind down before sleep (weither it be a bath or reading books). Good luck! Oh and at CVS pharmacy they have "vapor bath" that is AMAZING & is made for kids right by the diaper isle!

Esther - posted on 05/11/2009

Further to my post - if I was you, I'd just continue the rocking for a while though. They grow up so ridiculously fast as it is. I don't see any need to rush it any further. Enjoy the quiet cuddling while you can!

Esther - posted on 05/11/2009

Personally, I do not believe in letting babies cry-it-out or even so-called "controlled crying" methods. To each their own, and I know all moms make the choices they feel are in the best interest of their children and their families.



To me it seems that crying, especially in very young children, is one of the only means of communication they have and since I want to encourage communication, not discourage it, I respond. Also, I feel that the need to be comforted is just as legitimate a need as the need for food or a clean diaper. I do not see it (at all) as "crying and whining" in an effort to control me. But that's me.



Having said that, I rocked my son to sleep at night until he was about 13 months old. At that point he just got too big and too heavy to be able to keep it up. So I had to find a way to teach him to fall asleep on his own in his crib. I created a slightly more eleborate bedtime routine than I had before and now we say night night to all the animals in his room and we put them down on their backs so they can go to sleep too. Then I sit in the rocking chair with him (in the dark) to give him a last bottle of milk. When we're done with that, I will rock and cuddle him for another minute or so so that he's sleepy, but definitely still awake and then I put him in his crib.



After that I sit on the floor with my back against the crib and ignore him unless he starts to cry (no eye contact is critical). If he cries, I pick him up, comfort him and then put him right back in his crib and sit down again. The first night it took me about 45 minutes. He tried everything to get my attention but I ignored it all. After 2 weeks we were down to 15 mins (with far fewer attempts at trying to get my attention) and now I can kiss him, put a blanket over him and just walk away, even if he's still awake.



I don't know that this would have worked when he was younger but if you don't want to go down the CIO path and you really don't want to rock him anymore, you can try. You will probably have to tweak things based on your own child though. For example, my son is content having me sit on the floor, but I cannot sit in a chair next to his bed. Also, when he was sick and I was still in the middle of training him, he preferred that I stand next to his crib, rather than sit. Little things like that can make a difference.



Good luck!

Alyrose - posted on 05/10/2009

as hard as this is, try to pat him on his back til he goes to sleep. eventually he will tire himself out and fall asleep (at least my DS will). maybe before he goes to bed you can rock him (if that is what gets him sleepy) but right before he falls asleep put him in his bed so that he learns to fall asleep in his bed. if this wakes him up a bit just stand there and pat him on his back, remind yourself that you are helpin to teach him a needed life skill and try to endure the crying

Courtney - posted on 05/10/2009

i have exatcly the same problem.. my sons 18 mnths and has been sleeping in our bed.. its been really hard to just let him cry in his cot coz his cot has been in our room coz we still live with my mum... buthe now has his own room and im trying to get him to stay asleep in his own bed... ive just been letting him fall asleep with me in our bed then moving him, only problem is he keeps waking up at nyt to get back into our bed lol i had him self settling at about 6 months and it worked a charm but he got sick once and i was tired so put him in our bed and his been in there ever since... i agree totally that u have to get them in a routine at a young age and REALLY stick to it no matter wat.. good luck lovey

Allie - posted on 05/10/2009

I definitally agree with everyone, do what you feel is right. If you don't mind rocking him to sleep go for it. If you don't want to rock him asleep just let him cry. I personally don't go into his bedroom until I'm 90% sure he's asleep. My lactation consultant/ close longtime family friend told me it only takes 3 days for infants to learn that its time to sleep and stay asleep and just letting them cry it out is the best way. Its tough but now that the weather is getting warmer I would just step out the door for a few minutes to help collect yourself. I hope that helps and sorry if it doesn't, but just hang in there you'll figure it out.

Natalie - posted on 05/10/2009

hi

what age is he ? if you want to rock him then do what you want, admittidley you might not want to get him into a habit of that, but for a while, if it makes bedtime more berable for you both why not ?

Lisa- Ervin - posted on 05/10/2009

Quoting Taneeka:  How old is he?  It does not hurt to rock him to sleep.  When he is almost asleep try to put him in bed.  It may take several times, but raising a baby, child, or teen requires repitition.  It is hard to figure out what to do and what is right, but it is the motherly instinct on what to do.  Do what you feel is good for you and your baby.  It does seem like you are a bad mom, but you are not.  All parents go through this at some time or another.   Try giving him or her some warm milk and rock him a little.  It is the bonding he or she is wanting.  Nothing wrong with rocking your child.  Your pediatrician is looking at it like if you continue to rock him or her that the baby will require this for the rest of his life.  I am not saying constantly hold him, but they need attention and at a young age they do require parents attention and bonding.  A since of security on the baby's part.  It is not easy because we do not like to see our children cry like that.  Does he have a special toy or something?  Try putting it to bed with the baby, maybe nestle it close to him when you lay him down and sometimes this will help him or her to feel like they are not alone.  No exact way to deal with this situaiton, all children are different.  I know it will not happen over night.

night night time help

my son screams at night when i try to lay him down and i have tried putting him down when he's tired but not over tired....tried when hes over tired...and he's on a a schedule..we do bath book and then bed....i have tried going in ever 2, 5, 10 minutes to reassure him and he just screams and it breaks my heart and i feel like the world's worst mom but my ped says i cant rock him to sleep anymore...HELP!!!!

Marie - posted on 05/10/2009

I remember putting a safety gate in their door way and leaving their door open...I will tell you it takes awhile for it to work-

Sarah - posted on 05/10/2009

Stick to your very structured routine. Don't deviate from it for at least 2 weeks. Start at 4pm. Turn off any stimulants - tv etc. Turn on a relaxing baby or classical cd. This is his cue that its time to settle down. Feed him his dinner at 5pm and then let him play for awhile until 6pm. Put him in the bath at 6pm - make it a little warm to dose him up on the warmth (sleep inducing) also find a lavender based baby wash. Let him play for a good 10min or more in the bath. Give him a massage - any lotion but lavender can help. Read him a few books but nothing with too much excitement - maybe some books talking about bed time and then give him his bottle by 6.50pm. If he takes awhile to drink a bottle then make sure he is finished it 10min before bed time. Go straight to his room and put him in bed. My son has a musical light attached to his bed that comforts him to sleep and he also has his pooh bear that has to be with him - comfort items are great as they replace you for that period of time that your not there.

Now DONT leave the room. Either sit in a chair in his room and read a book to yourself - if he needs the comfort of your voice just read a novel - in a very boring tone. If he justr needs your presence then just sit there - or on the floor. The futher away from his bed the better but if he needs you right next to him then do that. He will probably protest and cry and stand up. Let him do this. If he needs to be layed down do that and tell him ONCE in a stern but calm voice "Bedtime, sleep". Stay in the room until he falls asleep - my son took 3hrs the first night!!!!

Every 3rd night move the chair or yourself further away from his bed. Eventually you will be sitting at his door and then outside his door. And lastly he will go to bed without your presence.

Its a loooooooooong drawn out process. Its hard and sometimes its heart breaking. But you must remain firm and stay in the routine. Think of it as a battle of wills. Keep a diary of your wins and his wins. When you give in he has won. The more he wins the more he is going to do it - children are great masters of control issues! So make a point to try and out win him.

Good luck - let us know how you get on.

Claire - posted on 05/10/2009

Hi, I have not had a chance to read all the posts and apologise if I am repeating for anyone. I read the most fantastic book called The Baby Whisperer and I can only recommend her pick up put down plan. In brief you pick your child up to reassure him once calm put him back down, this can go on for ages but you need to keep it up and be consistant, she says that if you have tried the crying thing you child may feel insecure and you will need o reassure him again. Its a long process but works, my son is a brilliant sleeper and I took a lot of advice from the baby whisperer. I wish you all the very best of luck its hard listening to them crying! Take care.

Nicole - posted on 05/10/2009

I think parents need to do whatever works for them. If rocking your child to sleep works for you then you should continue it. My daughter runs to her room for naptime and nighttime by simply saying "ok night night time." She has her security blanket that she loves. My son is almost 3 months old and can put himself to sleep without crying no problem. He sleeps 7-8 hours at night gets up to eat and goes right back to sleep on his own. I only had to let them cry it out for 3 nights. We do tons of cuddling, hugging, and kisses. I think the bottom line is do what works best for you and of course always make sure nothing is wrong with a crying child.



By the way the article posted above is from 11 years ago and there is better, newer research out there.

Tamara - posted on 05/09/2009

Quoting Nicole:

I totally agree with Natalie. Sleep habits form early and they need to be healthy for the child and the parent. Cuddling is great and should be a part of every childs routine. It is very important for future sleep habits for kiddos to learn to fall asleep on their own. A security object is great to help with that. A stable, consistent bedtime routine is the best solution. Doing at the same time everynight only increases it's effectivness. Crying never harmed any child and it will get better. Follow your gut and check on your child as often as you need to and increase the time between checking on your little one each night. Hang in there it will get better. Best of luck to you.

Actually, leaving children to CIO has long term effects on them as adults, making them more fearful and susceptable to stress.  http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998...

I personally have a very visceral reaction to my daughter's crying.  It feels like knives in my gut so I do my best to suss out why she's crying and correct it.  The sound of her crying sounds simply WRONG and I will not leave her to cry.

Tamara - posted on 05/09/2009

Quoting Nicole:

I totally agree with Natalie. Sleep habits form early and they need to be healthy for the child and the parent. Cuddling is great and should be a part of every childs routine. It is very important for future sleep habits for kiddos to learn to fall asleep on their own. A security object is great to help with that. A stable, consistent bedtime routine is the best solution. Doing at the same time everynight only increases it's effectivness. Crying never harmed any child and it will get better. Follow your gut and check on your child as often as you need to and increase the time between checking on your little one each night. Hang in there it will get better. Best of luck to you.

Actually, leaving children to CIO has long term effects on them as adults, making them more fearful and susceptable to stress.  http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998...

I personally have a very visceral reaction to my daughter's crying.  It feels like knives in my gut so I do my best to suss out why she's crying and correct it.  The sound of her crying sounds simply WRONG and I will not leave her to cry.

Nicole - posted on 05/09/2009

I totally agree with Natalie. Sleep habits form early and they need to be healthy for the child and the parent. Cuddling is great and should be a part of every childs routine. It is very important for future sleep habits for kiddos to learn to fall asleep on their own. A security object is great to help with that. A stable, consistent bedtime routine is the best solution. Doing at the same time everynight only increases it's effectivness. Crying never harmed any child and it will get better. Follow your gut and check on your child as often as you need to and increase the time between checking on your little one each night. Hang in there it will get better. Best of luck to you.

DD - posted on 05/09/2009

I'm really not sure how old my sons were when they first started going to bed awake and going to sleep on their own. I have a 15 year old and a 5 year old and I don't remember having much trouble with either. We rocked them to sleep for a lot longer than 6 months -- of that I am quite certain though. They were both out of their cribs and big enough to walk to their "big boy bed" all by themselves -- but I don't remember exactly how old they were. My oldest was climbing out of the crib, walking (and going down stairs!) by 9 months old -- so we had to buy a big boy bed early for him. My youngest was several months older by the time he started trying to climb out of the crib and walked -- so he stayed in the crib longer. I had both of my boys in our room during the first few months of infancy -- but once they started rolling over and had to move out of the bassinet they went to their own room. The nursery was close by and had a monitor so we could hear them when they woke up to be fed. I breastfed my oldest for about 9 months -- at which time he sprouted a mouthful of teeth and I decided it was time to ween him after several painful bites!! My youngest was breastfed for closer to a year. During the time while they are still waking up to be fed or changed during the night, I would say that you need to do whatever is needed to get them back to sleep for both of your sakes. I remember spending many a night rocking a newly fed and diapered baby back to sleep -- singing and patting the little bottom -- that is what worked and got them back to sleep as quickly as possible so I could get me back to bed and back to sleep as well. I had enough to handle being a new mom and being short on sleep and energy without having to stress over whether to rock my baby or not! There eventually will come a day when they are no longer interested in cuddling and being fussed over -- and you will definitely miss it. Both my boys still come for "night nights"== kisses, hugs, "I love you's" and "good night -- sleep tight's" -------- even at 15 and 5 -- but neither has been interested in rocking for quite some time. My oldest would wake up with bad dreams from time to time -- and since he was a very "active" sleeper (he'd beat both his daddy and me half to death by morning! -- feet in the face, knees in the the crotch or fingers up your nose!) so we made a pallet in the floor beside our bed --- he'd come and put himself to bed beside me in the floor -- so I had to be careful where I'd step since I didn't know whether or not he was going to be there! That went on for a several years -- probably until he was about 4 or 5 years old --- as long as he slept through the night -- or just woke up to potty he'd stay in bed, but if he woke with a nightmare and was frightened -- 2 or 3 times a week I'd say, he'd come crawl into the pallet beside me ----------- I never really asked my Ped whether that was appropriate or not --- just assumed that having a frightened child in the room with me able to return to sleep was better than one laying awake trembling with fear in the darkness because I'd forbade him to come into my room! I assumed he'd grow out of it -- which he did! ----- It's been probably 10-11 years since he came crawling into my room at night to snuggle in beside the bed and hold my hand which dangled over the side in my sleep ----------- but he did come wake me up a couple years ago -- some horrifying nightmare (which he perfered not to share) had woken him up in a sweat with fear and Thank God he had enough courage and trust in me to come wake me up to talk -- I'll admit I held him for awhile until he quit trembling and felt calm enough to return to bed ---------- I've woken my husband a time or two after a particularly horrible nightmare for reasurrance and cuddles -- I don't feel I should deny my child that same comfort just because he is a certain age and should be "independent" enough to sleep in his own room. I guess I'm saying that each child is different from others and different from himself at various ages ----- whether you decide to continue rocking your child at 6 months or 2 years isn't going to scar him for life! ---- he will eventually decide on his own (probably once he starts pre-school or kindergarten) that he is a "big boy" and doesn't need all the cuddles, kisses and rocking that he once wanted (my nephew rocked himself for 10 minutes before bed at about 4 or 5 years old -- he concidered himself to be "too big" to be rocked, but still liked rocking!) ----------- And you will miss them!! ---------- My husband's family wasn't very demonstrative -- My husband never remembered his father ever having hugged, kissed or said "I love you" to any of his 3 boys up until several years after my husband and I married (we were both 25 when we married!). My FIL has since mellowed and will offer a hug and an awkward kiss --- with an occasional "I love you" ----- but it took a heart-attack in his late 40's before he even got that far ------------- I'm glad my boys both know that their daddy and I love them and are comfortable with hugs, kisses and the occasional cuddle -------------- I think it is a lot healthier than the alternative. I can't imagine either of them ever being stiff and awkward toward someone they truly love -- and I firmly believe that cuddling, rocking, kissing and generally showing them that we love them and are there when they need us is why they are as outgoing and affectionate as they are. Unless you simply do not have enough time to devote to rocking your child, I'd say keep at it until he is ready to lay down on his own. If you simply can't spend as much time with it, you might try rocking for shorter and shorter times and "ween" him from it -- but stopping suddenly and trying to force him into a completely differnent routine is asking for trouble. However, if you don't have the time to devote to rocking him, the question I have is "What could possibly be more important to you at this stage in your life that you can't spend 15-30 minutes cuddling and rocking your 6 month old!?" ------------ before you know it he'll be starting kindergarten and then highschool (like mine did this year!) and you'll be wishing for a few of those precious moments back -- but they'll be gone ------------- In another blink of the eye, he'll be leaving for college and you'll wish you had spent more time cuddling and holding on, because you won't be able to hold on any longer! Love your baby, cuddle, rock, sing, -- there will be enough time to be tough later on, but even then you'll need to choose your battles carefully. We always made (make) sure that when we have to punish our boys -- that once the tears have gone and their anger has cooled -- which ever parent did the punishing would take the offender aside for a cuddle and a hug -- reassuring him that we still do love him, but can't allow that kind of behavior. --- whichever parent didn't do the punishment would never offer hugs and kisses or any kind of consolences until the "talk" was done. We felt that for one parent to punish and then the other to console would be undermining the punishment. I know I've rambled on, but I hope you can glean something helpful from all this!! Good luck!

Nicole - posted on 05/09/2009

You should read through the book "Sleeping through the night" by Jodi A Mindell, Ph.D. It is wonderful. It helped me with my daughter (who is 2 years old) and I am now using it again with my son who is almost 3 months old. She recommends not rocking to sleep because a child become dependent on you rocking them to sleep every time they wake up at night. My daughter has perfect sleep habits now. She goes to bed at 8:30 pm and sleeps until 8:30 AM. She puts herself to sleep and is really content to lay in bed until she falls asleep. Jodi Mindell talks about the crying it out technique. She says the first night will be bad but the second night will be even worse, and then it will get better from there. She calls the second night an extinction burst (they are testing you because they think the night before must have been a fluck). I totally sympathize because it is rough. My son is so testing me right now. Hang in there it will get better.

Tamara - posted on 05/09/2009

Quoting Anna:

oh, I did use to do that when my baby was younger, but now I'm going throught the hell of a stage that is known for temper tantrums (my baby is 13 months old) - and OMG - she likes to fight now even if I hold her in my arms and carry her around! lol It just has to be her way!  She is trying to control me by making me do only what she's up to at the moment.  

I don't know how old your baby is and if you have any experience with temper tantrums, I'd like to know - how do you deal with it?

PS. Damn, this has been a long conversation. :)

Mine's 19 months old.  We do laps around the house and low music.  Sometimes DH and I switch off if she tries to leap out of our arms.  I'd try wearing her in my mei tai if I could just remember if I put it in storage or not. lol

Tantrums, I pretty much just ride out.  I know that they come from not being to either express what they're feeling in a way that we can understand or a frustration at not being to do something.  I'll sit with mine and comfort her while she goes through it.  I compare them to a summer storm.  It's wild and can be scary but its brief and afterwards all is calm again.

(you're right, this has been one long convo. lol)

Anna - posted on 05/09/2009

Quoting Tamara:

Quoting Anna:   Well, I hope that all mothers know this. Although, just knowing these facts doesn't help much when you are going 'insane' with your baby. It just doesn't reduce the actual stress of the moment. Any advice on this? Cause I do need to hear something new that I haven't tried yet.

Do you babywear?  I found this was a GREAT help when my LO was in her inconsolable stage.  I'd put her in the mei tai, do the housework and the motion as well as proximity to me made her much calmer than just plain being in arms.

oh, I did use to do that when my baby was younger, but now I'm going throught the hell of a stage that is known for temper tantrums (my baby is 13 months old) - and OMG - she likes to fight now even if I hold her in my arms and carry her around! lol It just has to be her way!  She is trying to control me by making me do only what she's up to at the moment.  

I don't know how old your baby is and if you have any experience with temper tantrums, I'd like to know - how do you deal with it?

PS. Damn, this has been a long conversation. :)

Allison - posted on 05/09/2009

My oldest took 2½ years before she would go to bed without a fit. We did have a lot of turmoil in our marriage and moved around a lot...things are stable now. But, we just had to keep plugging away at it. She had everything set at bedtime--bath, books, etc. She just didn't want to go to bed. I finally started singing to her, and she would stay in bed after that.

Now at 6 months, your ped is crazy to say you can't rock him to sleep! Nothing wrong with that at this age. However, try not to go in so much once he is in bed. With my daughter, I would have to let her have her fit for a while, and then go in, wash her face, and she would go to sleep. But there's no need to deal with that yet, in my opinion.

Ashley - posted on 05/08/2009

I agree with a lot of the mom's on here...you should do what feels right to you regardless of what your ped says. Ultimately it's your child and your experience, you should choose how to help your baby fall asleep. I can tell you that I chose to let my daughter teach herself to fall asleep and she did cry for a bit at first, and I found the crying to be longer and louder the more I checked her and tried to reassure her that I was still there. It just stimulated her more and made it harder to fall asleep. The less I disrupted her the faster she fell asleep. The frequent checking on your son when he is trying to fall asleep may be interfering with him trying to go to sleep. It's just a thought. But again, I firmly believe a mother knows what is best for their child and you should do what you are most comfortable with when it comes to parenting issues.

April - posted on 05/08/2009

I think you need to do what you feel is right. If you were rocking before then all of a sudden just stop your child is going to be very upset. I rocked my youngest daughter every night until she was one. That night I tried a different routine & it did not work. I was doing like what you are doing & stuck with that for about 3 days. Still she was very upset. I hated that feeling & something inside of me was saying this is not right. I went right into her room picked her up wrap her in her blanket, sat in the chair, & started rocking away. she was out like a light in about 2 mintues. after putting her to her crib I was thinking that there is gotta be a better way. I mean I loved rocking her but she has to learn to sleep on her own also. so what I did was, weaned her off slowly at her pace from the rocking. I think it took about 2 weeks & there was no more rocking. She was getting used to the new routine & liking it. I can give you more details if you like. Good luck with everything & God Bless

Trisha - posted on 05/08/2009

I know for a fact you will pay for that if a child is allowed to sleep in the bed with you they do not learn to comfort themselves

Tracy - posted on 05/08/2009

We rocked our son to sleep until he was 1 or so - maybe longer. Afterwards we would let him fall asleep in our bed listening to classical music until he was about 3 yrs (we would move him to his bed before we went to bed). Now at 5 yrs he has a great routine of brushing his teeth and then getting into his own bed and listening to classical music as he falls asleep - no problem. I see no problem with rocking them to sleep - the key is setting up the routine. Afterwards you can make change as they grow so that they are comfortable with the routine and can go to sleep on their own.

Erin - posted on 05/08/2009

My son is 4 months and I would always rock him to sleep, but he would wake up and cry when I put him down so I would start all over. I bought a white noise machine at babies r us, and since then he goes right to sleep and if he wakes up at night he puts himself back to sleep.

I always feed him, give him a tubby (with the calming lavender vanilla bath soap) then we cuddle for 5 minutes. I put him down while he is still awake, and he will "talk" to himself for a while then go to sleep.

Natalie - posted on 05/08/2009

try wearing a t-shirt for a while to get your scent on it then put it underneath him in his crib

Kelli - posted on 05/08/2009

I am an OB RN and have a 22 month old who still sleeps with me. The peds I work with are not trying to give parenting advice, but they are just saying the longer you allow your child to sleep with you or use rocking ect...it may be difficult for them to transition.



It is my own personal preference to let my son sleep in my bed still, but I do understand what my Ped is saying......I am going to have a hell of a time getting him to sleep in his own bed/room.

Tamara - posted on 05/08/2009

Quoting Anna:   Well, I hope that all mothers know this. Although, just knowing these facts doesn't help much when you are going 'insane' with your baby. It just doesn't reduce the actual stress of the moment. Any advice on this? Cause I do need to hear something new that I haven't tried yet.

Do you babywear?  I found this was a GREAT help when my LO was in her inconsolable stage.  I'd put her in the mei tai, do the housework and the motion as well as proximity to me made her much calmer than just plain being in arms.

Sara - posted on 05/08/2009

Quoting Tamara:

Quoting Anna:

Your ped is right. These days I'm having the exact same issue with my 13 month old who is used to being rocked to sleep. But she is not a baby any more (I dont know how old your son is) and I believe it's time for her to start learning to be independent. Since I can't rock her for hours, I had to make a choice - let her scream for a little while or sacrifice my time and energy and possibly destroy my whole evening if I give in to her!
My advice is - try leaving the door open so he can hear your voice or leave one of the lights on. That way he may not feel pressured to go to sleep, but will if he is tired. This is how I look at it - you may be a bad mom if you pressure your kid to go sleep when he's not tired, but yu are definitely a good mom if you do it when you for surely know that your son is tired (even if it takes a fight to do it!). You are the parent - you are in charge!

Her LO is only 6 months old.  It's hardly time for her to learn to be "independant."  She's got plenty of time for that later.  Pediatricians are not there for parenting advice, they are only there to give medical advice, diagnose medical issues, and treat medical issues.  Shoot, my daughter is 19 months and we walk around the house with her in arms for her to go to sleep.  Nothing wrong with it at all and if a ped. tried to tell me otherwise, I'd sharply remind him that it's none of his business.

I have to respectfully disagree with you here.  Pediatrician's are experts on chidren and their development, not only physically but emotionally and socially as well.  I trust mine and ASK him for advice because I've never done this before!  He's got 5 kids of his own and has treated thousands in his career, so I think he knows what he's talking about.  But, I'm not sure if she was saying she doesn't want to rock her son to sleep anymore or if she's not just because of her doctor saying not to.  If it's the case of the latter, then I say do what you think is right.  But, think if the OP doesn't want to rock her child to sleep at 6 months, she shouldn't have to.  It's her choice as a parent to do what she feels is right for her child.  6 months is plenty old enough to learn to self-soothe. 

Taneeka-I read the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth and found that to be very helpful.  I also read "How to Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Richard Ferber.  Even if you don't employ either method with your child to help him go to sleep on his own, they are full of great info about sleep for small babies up to toddlers.  Great books.

We used the Ferber method as a guideline, but didn't follow it to the tee.  I didn't like listening to my daughter cry, so I would stay in the room with her but not pick her up.  Periodically I would try to comfort her by rubbing her back or tummy and talk to her gently.  She wouldn't cry usually when I was in the room and would just play until she finally went to sleep.  it took several weeks of doing this, probably 2 and half or so, but now I can lay her down in her bed drowsy but awake and she will go to sleep on her own.  You can definitely try this with your son, he's old enough and actually, the books say he's of the prime age to learn.  Good luck, and I hope you find something that works for you and your son.

Natalie - posted on 05/08/2009

Quoting Natalie:

If you dont break your children into routine now then it will be harder when they are older! When you put them ro bed at a certain time all the time then it becomes part of their natural cycle! They will naturally get tired round those times! My son has been putting himself to bed when he gets tired since he was 2 years old! All because he was broken into a routine from young! He slept with me in my bed til he was a year and a half! Then I just got him used to sleeping in his own bed in his own room! As long as they know that you are close by trust me he will be fine!

Dont get me wrong my son was sleeping in my bed but going to bed at his own bedtime! You just need to reassure them that u are going to be there when they wake up! That you are not going anywhere! Thats what I when i say just letting them know that you are close by!

Shirley - posted on 05/08/2009

Use common sense and disregard what the doctor tells you when it comes to things concerning showing affection for your child. Start the baby on a routine that you both can live with; that might mean talking about sleeping in his own bed and back off slowly on the amount of time you spend rocking him before putting him in his bed. My kids both knew their bed as a happy place so you need to get him to that point and you'll both be happy. They always had a favorite toy to sleep with and sometimes they would change what that was; a little musical toy that hung on the side that they would sometimes play with and lull them to sleep. One of the greatest joys was hearing them wake in the morning and talk and laugh with their toys and just being very happy. It comes at different times for different kids, but you as the mom can tell when it is working best for you.

Vanessa - posted on 05/08/2009

WHAT???....your doctor said you can't rock your baby to sleep?

you need to find yourself a new doctor!

how you are mothering your baby is none of your doctors damn business.

you are the baby's mother, its up to you how you are going to mother him. you need to trust yourself, and your baby.....forget what that doctor said.

your baby is so young.....he needs to be nutured and mothered......not packed away.

making your baby feel relaxed and safe at this tender age will pay off in the long run.

our little babies and children need us to mother them......independence comes with age, not training. follow your heart.....BABY your BABY...!! (and enjoy it).