No crying it out

Joy - posted on 10/20/2009 ( 221 moms have responded )

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I want to start by saying that by posting this, I am not trying to put down anyone's parenting style, so I don't want a bunch of insulted mothers to start emailing me. I'm just simply trying to help new mothers who are not sure of what to do.



I know that it can be frustrating when your baby cries a lot and wants you ALL of the time and is glued to you. My son was like this for a long time, so I know exactly what it's like. There's probably a lot of people telling you to just let your baby cry it out and they will learn to comfort themselves, and that you will spoil your baby by running to them and holding them whenever they cry. But the truth is, you can not spoil a baby. They cry because they need something, not because they want something. And when they are babies, they cry because they need you. They cry when you lay them down by themselves because they feel insecure and scared. When you let them cry it out a few nights in a row, and then they stop crying when you put them to bed, it's not because they've learned to be "good". It's because they've given up hope that their parent will come for them. It's because they feel like they can't depend on you anymore. To me, that is the saddest thing ever. Why would you rather put your baby through that, than spend some time each night soothing your baby to sleep? It's a proven fact that children whose parents use the attachment parenting method grow up to be much more confident, independant adults. So I just wanted to let people know, if they are not sure what to do, just keep this in mind. And whenever you are tired of rocking your baby to sleep and wish you could just lay him/her down and leave the room, just think that if something were to happen, and this were your last time you got to spend with your baby, wouldn't you wish you had enjoyed that extra bit of bonding, instead of trying to get away as soon as possible? Enjoy every moment you have with your baby, and whey they don't want you to ever put them down, take that as a compliment. The love that your baby has for you is a kind of love that you can't find anywhere else.

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Beth - posted on 10/22/2009

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I totally agree with you. Babies are made to be loved, even at 1:30am when they've been screaming for what seems like forever and you haven't slept since they were born. They need us, and we need to be the adult and take care of them.

Jacqueline - posted on 10/22/2009

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very touchy,my boy is 3yrs and cries at nite sumtimes so i guess i'll do as advised,Thanx!

Francina - posted on 10/22/2009

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For any parent, I think that they have to find what works for them and their home. My husband and I had/have very, VERY different parenting styles. I let my son cry some, but not for long and not that very hard-make himself sick cry. Hubby would check on him and if he was dry and fed, and time to sleep...then he let him cry it out. Child is now 11. He is OH MY level of independent but very close with me. He knows that no matter what, he can come to me with anything. He may not always like the answer and yes, he does get his groundings/punishments when he has earned them, but he also has unquestioned love and affection. With hubby, he knows that he is loved, but it isn't that warm and fuzzy type unfortunately. We both have continued the type of parenting that we received. I just hope that for our son, he parents in a style that works for his household and what makes him feel good. I just say, you have to feel good about how you are parenting and raising your children. Healthy (mentally and physically), happy and well adjusted children is all any of us can hope for. Good luck to all!!

Christina - posted on 10/22/2009

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I totally agree with you Joy. And frankly I am suprised at how many people take offense to your posting. I don't know if they are truly for the CIO method or they are feeling guilty for having tried it. Me personally, I don't use the cry it out method, I can't stand the fact of my baby crying for any length of time. He is a mommas boy and I hope that he grows up that way. But for the moms that do use the CIO method, it is your decision, but Joy wasn't trying to put you down. I am a nursing student in an RN program about to graduate in a few months. They teach us in school that during the infant stage of development (birth - 1yr) the child is developing trust. Now I haven't read any of the research that Joy has but plain common sense will tell you that if a child is developing trust and you just let them sit there and CIO then do you really think that trust gets established the way it should. Just think about how long 10 minutes might seem to an infant, if I were to cry because I needed something or because I wanted attention and nobody came for 10 minutes I would give up hope and feel like nobody cared. But that is just how I would feel and I assume that my baby feels the same way. Every parent has different view points on the issue, and I don't think anybody is wrong, but me personally I am against it. So if the CIO method works for you then fine if it don't then fine, just make the decision for yourself, do whatever you feel in your heart you should do, and don't let anybody tell you different.

Bridgette - posted on 10/22/2009

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I believe that everyone has there way of bring up their own children but i don't agree with that babies just want attention or need your attention either. A baby cries because they need something. A baby can cry because they are wet, dirty, hungry or they just need comfort to get to sleep. U cant expect a baby to go to sleep in a drop of a hat it takes time, Practice and patience. You cant expect a baby not to cry and expect they just need attention thats just plain cruel i think. I will let him cry for at least 5 mins then go to him if he does not settle pick him up and see whats wrong if they don't go to sleep within mins they really need something of course they wont go to sleep while u are standing there you should go to them if they are under 6 months they are not doing it just to annoy you or just to get your attention. When they are at least 6 months u should leave them for longer. Thats my opinion everyone has different opinions so deal with it. First time mothers are not silly they do have guts to raise their kids there way but if they need advice they can read up on it I am a first time mother and I can relate to this kinda thing. I am raising my kids my way i was not confident as much but i am now and got use to it. just to remind yous don't be to hard on your kids cause they can talk to they might not understand what your saying.

you will never fail as a parent no matter how you raise your kids if i do it so can u!

People that are writing nonsense on here stop trying to think u know everything some people are saying some hush things do u ever stop and wonder if yous are failing as a parent? Well stop putting this on people and work as a team. Just be your self and how u want to raise your kids be true to yourself u can never go wrong no matter what u do.

[deleted account]

Thanks for posting this topic, somewhere in the gaps are many useful tips for mums and words of encouragement, which we can only hope are making it to the readers who need to read it.



Our maternal instincts are to ensure our babies feel loved, nurtured and supported - especially in the early days. The multitudes of books on this topic seem to have a common thread - neglected children tend to be delayed in development and nutured/loved children seem to thrive. We all obviously want the latter.



In my circle of mums - I have witnessed patting, rocking, bouncing, holding, carrying and driving their babies to sleep from a young age and STILL doing this at 2.5years of age.



For me I wrapped my kids from birth and put them in their bassinet, then their cot, in a darkened room while they were still awake and most of the time they went straight to sleep. And when they cried I would go to them, hold them for a minute, put them down for a minute, etc until they no longer demanded my presence. They are good sleepers now they are 2.5yr and 1yr and wake up for the occasional stinky nappy or big burp!



I think teaching our children how to fall asleep is one of the most important lessons, and it's our job to do it! Our methods will always vary, but ultimately we are all after a good night's sleep - for us and for them

[deleted account]

Quoting Lydia:

I think its great that you want to encourage new mums...but instead of trying to encourage only those who use the same method as you why not try and encourage them all? "Hey all new mums whatever methods you choose to use are great so long as they are used in the best interests of your child!" To me this post has an agenda to promote the attachment method through your opinion which will automatically disencourage/guilt new mums who are using CIO. Points for effort though...



I agree with Joy.  I am not a propronent of CIO but I do believe in choice.  I have heard friends talk of leaving their children to cry all night without going in to them as they are having a hard time with sleep and they feel or have been told that this is the way to resolve it - put in the ear plugs and ignore the baby.



Lydia, my comment would be similar to some of the other mums.  We are all asked how our babies are sleeping and the minute we state that we don't believe in leaving our babies to cry and go to them when we feel that they need us, we are jumped upon.  'Making a rod for your own back', 'spoiling that baby', etc. 



Joy is trying to say that there are options.  You have to do what works for you and I would never criticise another parent who does things differently from me.  I would expect that they respect me and listen to what I do and why I do it if we are having a discussion about the issue - after all it is about what works for you, not about condemning others.  Unfortunately, in most of my experiences I have been left to regret discussing what I do and wished that I had just kept my mouth shut.  Despite the fact that I have two children who now sleep beautifully at 3 years and the other at 16 mths, I am not allowed to have an opinion as mine differs so much from theirs.  I try really hard to just do what Joy is doing, and when I hear a fellow mum mention that she is unsure of what to do, tell her what I have done and why but also mention that there are many different opinions out there and the only person who can know best what to do, is the mum herself!



Let's stop criticising each other, and realise that we all want the same thing - what is best for our child!

Sarah - posted on 10/22/2009

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Sorry dont agree with you at all!

I have to children and with the first i would very rarely let her cry i would pick her up all the time as u do feel worried being a first time mum, and she turned into a very clingy child who always wanted mummy, my second i have no worries at leaving her to cry for awhile, i sometimes look over her so she can see me and making a sussshing noise and thats enough to settle her, although my most proven way of settlinbg has to be to swaddle they feel so content and stops crying straught away, i swear by it! and as for the thing about making them better adults...come on they asre babies...u prep them for adulthood in childhood not when they are babies i dont think picking up ur baby every time he/her crys has any influence on there adulthood!

Bronwen - posted on 10/22/2009

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We used the crying out method and it has been a great success, my daughter gets put into her cot for her sleeps and goes to bed without a murmur and it took a total of 3 days of her life to get her to go to bed on her own, no harm done, she is as confident a child as any other! It is all up to the parents and how they wish to go about there sleep routine

Johnny - posted on 10/22/2009

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I gave up reading all the argumentative replies. I think the point of this post was to offer support to mothers who do not feel comfortable or are not interested in letting their baby CIO. If you want to do CIO, if you believe in it, and you are comfortable with it, then by all means, that is the route that you should take.

For those who choose other methods than CIO, we are tired of hearing about how are children will never learn to "self-soothe", that they will be clingy, needy, and bratty, and that they will be sleeping in our beds when they are 17. Every time we are asked about how our child is sleeping, if we don't reply that they are STTN, we are told that we "NEED" to let them CIO. I suspect the OP is simply trying to offer support to moms who are hearing this all the time and pep talk to get them through. It is tiring to have people constantly telling you that your parenting choices will result in failure. Especially when they have absolutely no proof or information to back themselves up.

I've said before, YOU should parent in the way that is best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY. If you don't, that is when you fail as a parent.

Melany - posted on 10/22/2009

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Quoting Andrea:

I don't think this thread was meant for people who use CIO. And on that thought not all acts of a baby crying is CIO so half of those who posted here shouldn't feel attacked at all. For example the mom who said she was vacuuming and had to finish before going to her baby in a few minutes is not really CIO unless she will sit down to watch tv for another hour and ignore the baby once she is done vacuuming because it is inconvenient to answer the baby before the favorite show ends but that was not the case. A mom who responded to the injured kid on the stairs and left the other is not CIO. It is right to respond first to the one who is injured or needs mom more. So perhaps being clear about what CIO means would have been helpful. It is a fact that all babies cry. They cry for many reasons, that is how they communicate. CIO in my understanding is to let baby cry for an extended period of time for the purpose of sleep training and while I don't use CIO, I also don't think 5 minutes constitutes extended period of time. Nobody said a mom can't do her chores, help a kid who needs her more and leave the other crying for a few minutes. They can see mom in the room, she can use words to console. Trust me they are not going to be attached to your leg if you respond promptly, when they go to college. I don't think those moms who were busy while a baby was crying in their vicinity should feel insulted. You do all the best you can and sometimes you can't drop what you are doing. Heck sometimes even responding to the baby's cues right away will not stop baby from crying. I know, I AP twins and boy was there a lot of crying even though I never left them alone. I was always in the same room, holding, nursing, soothing one or both at the same time. I try to respond quickly but there is a limit as I didn't manage to grow another set of arms during pregnancy. I guess those who left the baby to cry a bit longer to make him feel worse in an attempt to teach him to feel better by himself would find the topic a personal attack, because they knew they didn't respond but listened to someone else telling them they would spoil the child. You should listen to your instinct, not to someone who tried CIO and claims that it worked. Someone said she taught the baby to soothe himself by letting him cry. You didn't teach him that. He learned to soothe himself alone, what you did was not teaching. Nobody can make you feel bad or insulted or irritated without your consent. IMHO the issue with CIO is that while we parent one way during the day, lovingly, respectfully and responsively, it should match the parenting style at night. But people are so hooked into believing others that their babies sleep through the night that a tired parent would do anything to have the same. Don't believe anyone who says babies sleep through the night. They don't, even adults don't. Please tell me if someone doesn't believe that babies can be scared in the dark and feel alone when they wake up and don't know where they are and what they are doing there. If you have ever felt scared in the dark I think it is much easier to respond quickly to the baby in the middle of the night. They are used to mom the way she does things during the day, they expect the same thing at night. Why wouldn't they? So instead people abandon their babies at night, how horrible that baby must feel.
Even Dr Ferber doesn't recommend leaving the baby cry for more than a few minutes at a time and he suggests to see the baby periodically (in a few minutes and increase the time by 1-5 minutes periodically) - that doesn't mean to not check on baby for an hour and a half, or all night because we expect her to fall asleep on her own. I have heard CIO stories like that and it horrifies me. I personally would want to know if there is something wrong before I roll over and continue to sleep. I will pick up my kids as long as I can manage their weight. I am sure they won't want to sleep with me when they go to college. I am sure they won't want to nurse or be in a diaper or be carried when they go to college and I am sure they won't be attached to my legs. There will be time when I expect them to be independent but I don't expect it to start when they are babies, toddlers or even preschoolers when they are still learning about the world around them that isn't safe. One day they won't want me to pick them up or hug them, I will stop when they give me the cue that they are ready. This is my personal preference, I didn't have my babies to leave them to their devices, I want to take care of them and their needs as long as I can. It's OK that they don't sleep through the night. I get the best hugs in the middle of the night. No crying necessary to get that from me.
Here is a page with a bunch of studies quoted, there are at least 19 cited about prolonged crying and mother not responding promptly, for those who asked for it and can't or won't make the effort to google it, but rather complain about their parenting style being attacked. http://askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.a...
I suggest to start a new thread for CIO because this thread was started to support those who don't want to use CIO and turned into an argument to support CIO.
With all due respect Jody, the link you provided says nothing about co-sleeping vs. CIO. It also says nothing about cosleeping and its safety, and ignores the fact that millions of babies world wide in poor countries sleep with their mothers for years and nurse well into childhood; they carry their babies on their backs all day and they die not from sleeping with their parents but most likely from poor conditions, poor nutrition and infections. If anything, being touched keeps them healthier longer. This link you provided merely shows accidents that could have been prevented. There are guidelines for safe co- sleeping, but that's another topic entirely.


someone said she taught the baby to soothe himself by letting him cry. You didn't teach him that. He learned to soothe himself alone, what you did was not teaching. Nobody can make you feel bad or insulted or irritated without your consent. IMHO the issue with CIO is that while we parent one way during the day, lovingly, respectfully and responsively, it should match the parenting style at night.



I never left her 2 cry more then 10/15 min and i on;y left her if all her need where taken care of i know the difference in all here crys and i can tell when its a bad dream as soon as i hear that cry im up and comforting her back 2 sleep but sometime she just wakes up for no reason and falls right back out thats my point in her soothing herself . I don't agree with leaving them for hrs turning off monitors just cause u don't want 2 deal with them i would never do that i guess maybe i miss worded what i stated before but i just wanted 2 let u kno what i was saying i love my daughter more then anything in this world and i am more then happy 2 get up and comfort her if she needs me 2. I normally dont' have 2 cause she has slept through the night since she was a lil under a month old but im up with her as soon as she needs me.





 

Emily - posted on 10/21/2009

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amen sister. i didnt know what it was called - i just went with my instincts, and have been practices "attached parenting" the whole time. My daughter is 2 and a half, still nurses when she feels like it, and sleeps with me every night since birth. when she started preschool this year, she was not afraid at all. even though her and i are completely bonded, she has not cried or been afraid of school at all. all the nursing and constant attention, and co-sleeping, has instilled a deep sense of security and trust in my daughter. she is confident and even more independent than other children who are growing up withour "attached parenting". There is such a misconception, even among my family, that attached parenting will cause they child to be too attached and scared of the world, but i feel that it gives them a greater sense of trust in the world, and she is not afraid to explore because she knows that i am always there.

Kia - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Joy:



Quoting Kia:

My son is 9 months old and we have recently tried the cry it out method and it has given us our sanity back and our son is just as happy as he ever was and our relationship with him has not suffered.

You obviously feel strongly opposed to the cry it out method but it was the best thing we have ever done since our son was born and I think people like you are the reason the rest of us feel guilty so easily and are so hard on ourselves as parents.

Next time you decide to start a topic - choose one where you are not upsetting so many people.






I never once, in any of my posts put down other people and I even said that I don't want to put down anyone's parenting style and that I am trying to help and encourage new mothers who want to go the AP way.  You are making me sound like a jerk who just came on here saying that if anyone goes with a different method than me, then they are stupid.  I said many times in this conversation what my intentions are.  I am not here to put anyone down.  However, lots of mothers have been putting me down for my method.  One even said that all of us parents who believe in AP "have our kids shoved up our a**".  I never criticized anyone with any of my posts, but lots of people have been criticizing me and other mothers, so maybe you should be lecturing them.  I stated very clearly that what I am against is people who just leave their children completely alone in their rooms with the light out and door shut, and don't go to check on them or reassure them or anything.  The types of people who only touch their child when they are moving them from the crib to the swing to the playpen.  I have sadly met people who do this.  THIS is what I think is wrong and neglectful.  It seems to me like a lot of people do not completely understand attachment parenting, and are also misunderstanding my meaning of crying it out.  I understand that there are different methods to use and every baby is different, so you have to adjust to each one.  So do not say things like "people like you are the reason the rest of us feel guilty".  My whole point of these posts was to be encouraging to mothers who believe in attachment parenting, but I guess circle of mothers is not the right place to be encouraging, because all I've gotten for it from a lot of people are put downs.  And I'm not going to stop encouraging people because some other people out there don't believe in AP.  If you don't, then don't respond to this conversation. 






You say that you never once put down anyone's parenting style - but you HAVE and you ARE! I can point out a few examples from your first post where you say "they have lost hope that the parent will come for them" and "they can't depend on their parents, it's the saddest thing ever" and "why would you put your baby through that" .... I could go on. I do sometimes let my child cry without checking on him for up to 40 minutes - the reason being because when I go in and check on him he is so much for upset when he sees me turn my back each time. I do turn off my baby monitor too - I don't use it anymore because I have a small house and I can hear him from wherever I am. I do not think because I do this that my child will have a disadvantage in life - and THAT is what the assumption is and THAT is what gets me MAD!!!!



You are implying that we are somewhat neglectful - whether you think you are implying it or not.



You say you didn't expect this response?! I don't buy that at all.

Joy - posted on 10/21/2009

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I understand what you're saying and that is why I did go and add on to what I was trying to say. I don't want people to get the wrong impression. I don't mind a mother like you telling me why she disagrees with what I have to say and then we can talk through it and realize that there was just a misunderstanding or simply agree to disagree. However, there were some people who said some really nasty things, and I don't think I said anything to deserve that kind of treatment. One mother in particular was speaking to me so rudely that I was completely shocked. I suppose the next time I want to say something to a certain group of people I should join a group that is specifically for that one thing, but the reason I posted it on "Welcome to Circle of Moms" was because I wanted it to be seen by any AP mother who just joined. I did not know that I would be bullied. But thank you for responding respectfully.

Jodi - posted on 10/21/2009

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Joy, I think the problem was the way in which your opening post was worded. You have since clarified where you stand on the matter. I can understand why the post may have upset some, and if you have a look at the other threads on crying it out, you will see some comments about it being child abuse, etc, from AP advocates, when really, all these parents are doing are trying to find a solution that is best for their families. I am not saying you have said this to anyone, but it may explain the sensitivity. You have since clarified your position.



In addition, you made the comment "It's a proven fact that children whose parents use the attachment parenting method grow up to be much more confident, independant adults." It is actually not fact, it is scientific opinion. I think trying to present one parenting method over another as fact is going to get you some criticism.



Please note, I am actually not in either camp, I just wanted to point out why people may have been getting upset at your post. You have clarified your position, and I hope people will read that too :)



Perhaps a clarification in your opening post that you wanted to provide encouragement to new mothers who were believers in AP and being given a hard time for it may have helped, because the intention kind of got lost with the words "new mothers", and interpreted as "all new mothers". I am not trying to be critical, but that's the way I read it, and I'm pretty sure its the way others read it too.

Joy - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Kia:

My son is 9 months old and we have recently tried the cry it out method and it has given us our sanity back and our son is just as happy as he ever was and our relationship with him has not suffered.

You obviously feel strongly opposed to the cry it out method but it was the best thing we have ever done since our son was born and I think people like you are the reason the rest of us feel guilty so easily and are so hard on ourselves as parents.

Next time you decide to start a topic - choose one where you are not upsetting so many people.



I never once, in any of my posts put down other people and I even said that I don't want to put down anyone's parenting style and that I am trying to help and encourage new mothers who want to go the AP way.  You are making me sound like a jerk who just came on here saying that if anyone goes with a different method than me, then they are stupid.  I said many times in this conversation what my intentions are.  I am not here to put anyone down.  However, lots of mothers have been putting me down for my method.  One even said that all of us parents who believe in AP "have our kids shoved up our a**".  I never criticized anyone with any of my posts, but lots of people have been criticizing me and other mothers, so maybe you should be lecturing them.  I stated very clearly that what I am against is people who just leave their children completely alone in their rooms with the light out and door shut, and don't go to check on them or reassure them or anything.  The types of people who only touch their child when they are moving them from the crib to the swing to the playpen.  I have sadly met people who do this.  THIS is what I think is wrong and neglectful.  It seems to me like a lot of people do not completely understand attachment parenting, and are also misunderstanding my meaning of crying it out.  I understand that there are different methods to use and every baby is different, so you have to adjust to each one.  So do not say things like "people like you are the reason the rest of us feel guilty".  My whole point of these posts was to be encouraging to mothers who believe in attachment parenting, but I guess circle of mothers is not the right place to be encouraging, because all I've gotten for it from a lot of people are put downs.  And I'm not going to stop encouraging people because some other people out there don't believe in AP.  If you don't, then don't respond to this conversation. 

Kristin - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Sara:

I'm sorry, are you an expert on child development? I know you said you don't want to cause a debate, but I think that's unavoidable. I'm glad you feel this way about your child, but I think all mom's whether they are advocates of CIO or not do. Nice of you to share your experiences, but new moms should be presented with facts and given enough of them to make an informed decision on their own. How can you possibly state "they've given up hope that their parent will come for them. It's because they can't depend on you anymore" as a fact? That is your personal opinion. It doesn't happen to be consensus of the APA or other prominent and experienced infant sleep experts, but that's cool. We'll leave facts out of it and frame our opinion as fact. I'm just so sick of people on this site who have read one book from one "expert" and now think they are experts themselves. I'm not advocating CIO or not crying it out, but I don't profess to know what is right and wrong for someone else.



 



Im sorry buy can you please point out where she stated her opionion as a fact??  its obvious that many mothers on here have agreed on how she feels, and actually if you do your research instead of criticizes you will find out doctors and experts have beleived leaving your child to cry alone all the time can affect them in the long wrong. maybe it will never be 100$ proven, but they beleive it based on something right? if you are sick of other mother's opionions that maybe the Circle of Moms conversations are not the right place for you to be. if you disagree that fine, please respectfully state why you disagreee...maybe others are sick of people like you too?





 

[deleted account]



Quoting Joy:

Wow, I had no clue that so many people get offended when you say anything against CIO. Listen, I'll let you all know what my intentions are. As a mother who believes in the attachment parenting method, I know that it's hard to go that route. I have only had about a handful of people in my time as being a mother who agreed and supported how I was taking care of my baby. And the number of people who told me that I should let him cry it out was ENDLESS. So it's been my experiance that parents who go with CIO have much more support than who don't. For a new mother who simply wants to hold her baby when they cry, having their mother in law in their ear going "Just lay that baby in the crib and leave the room. He'll be fine" can make you feel guilty and discouraged. I am simply trying to be that encouragement to those mothers that they know what's best and don't listen to anyone else. I am not saying that this is the ONLY way things should be done. If other ways work for you, then that is fine. However, I have talked to some mothers who made me completely angry, like one who told me that she expected all of her children to sleep straight through the night by 6 months, and if they didn't, she would leave them in their room upstairs while she went downstairs to sleep and turned off the baby monitor so that she didn't have to hear the crying. Situations like that are probably why the SIDS rate is so high. So yes, I am completely against doing things like that with a baby. However, I never said that I have a problem with laying your baby in their crib and coming to check on them every few minutes, letting them know you're still there, etc etc. In fact I have done that myself at times when I really needed to get things done and my husband wasn't around. I am talking about people who just lay their babies down and completely ignore them, and don't even check to make sure they're ok, or let them know that mommy/daddy is still there. But I would like to say that it isn't true that attachment parenting causes your child to be more clingy and they'll never leave your side. I know from experiance and every mother who goes with this method, that it does completely the opposite and makes your child more independant. If you have questions, read some books by Dr. Sears. He is an MD, has practiced pediatric medicine for more than 30 years, has written over 40 books and has raised 8 children with his wife. He is amazing. His website is askdrsears.co





Joy I'd like to start be saying I commend you on sticking to your own methods of parenting despite what people said or thought. Also I am shocked, outraged & disgusted at how you have been spoken to by some people no body deserves that. While I don't use either method exclusively day/night so I can't say I agree totally with what you say, you obviously know like every good mother does what your babies need. We can all get deffensive & offensive about our parenting styles espesially when it is a subject we feel very pasionate about. I think this is what happened when you were writing your first post but this post has cleared things up a bit, for me at least. I also think that the parents you described are not using the CIO method they are using the completely selfish and neglect method.

Kia - posted on 10/21/2009

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My son is 9 months old and we have recently tried the cry it out method and it has given us our sanity back and our son is just as happy as he ever was and our relationship with him has not suffered.

You obviously feel strongly opposed to the cry it out method but it was the best thing we have ever done since our son was born and I think people like you are the reason the rest of us feel guilty so easily and are so hard on ourselves as parents.

Next time you decide to start a topic - choose one where you are not upsetting so many people.

Andrea - posted on 10/21/2009

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I don't think this thread was meant for people who use CIO. And on that thought not all acts of a baby crying is CIO so half of those who posted here shouldn't feel attacked at all. For example the mom who said she was vacuuming and had to finish before going to her baby in a few minutes is not really CIO unless she will sit down to watch tv for another hour and ignore the baby once she is done vacuuming because it is inconvenient to answer the baby before the favorite show ends but that was not the case. A mom who responded to the injured kid on the stairs and left the other is not CIO. It is right to respond first to the one who is injured or needs mom more. So perhaps being clear about what CIO means would have been helpful. It is a fact that all babies cry. They cry for many reasons, that is how they communicate. CIO in my understanding is to let baby cry for an extended period of time for the purpose of sleep training and while I don't use CIO, I also don't think 5 minutes constitutes extended period of time. Nobody said a mom can't do her chores, help a kid who needs her more and leave the other crying for a few minutes. They can see mom in the room, she can use words to console. Trust me they are not going to be attached to your leg if you respond promptly, when they go to college. I don't think those moms who were busy while a baby was crying in their vicinity should feel insulted. You do all the best you can and sometimes you can't drop what you are doing. Heck sometimes even responding to the baby's cues right away will not stop baby from crying. I know, I AP twins and boy was there a lot of crying even though I never left them alone. I was always in the same room, holding, nursing, soothing one or both at the same time. I try to respond quickly but there is a limit as I didn't manage to grow another set of arms during pregnancy. I guess those who left the baby to cry a bit longer to make him feel worse in an attempt to teach him to feel better by himself would find the topic a personal attack, because they knew they didn't respond but listened to someone else telling them they would spoil the child. You should listen to your instinct, not to someone who tried CIO and claims that it worked. Someone said she taught the baby to soothe himself by letting him cry. You didn't teach him that. He learned to soothe himself alone, what you did was not teaching. Nobody can make you feel bad or insulted or irritated without your consent. IMHO the issue with CIO is that while we parent one way during the day, lovingly, respectfully and responsively, it should match the parenting style at night. But people are so hooked into believing others that their babies sleep through the night that a tired parent would do anything to have the same. Don't believe anyone who says babies sleep through the night. They don't, even adults don't. Please tell me if someone doesn't believe that babies can be scared in the dark and feel alone when they wake up and don't know where they are and what they are doing there. If you have ever felt scared in the dark I think it is much easier to respond quickly to the baby in the middle of the night. They are used to mom the way she does things during the day, they expect the same thing at night. Why wouldn't they? So instead people abandon their babies at night, how horrible that baby must feel.
Even Dr Ferber doesn't recommend leaving the baby cry for more than a few minutes at a time and he suggests to see the baby periodically (in a few minutes and increase the time by 1-5 minutes periodically) - that doesn't mean to not check on baby for an hour and a half, or all night because we expect her to fall asleep on her own. I have heard CIO stories like that and it horrifies me. I personally would want to know if there is something wrong before I roll over and continue to sleep. I will pick up my kids as long as I can manage their weight. I am sure they won't want to sleep with me when they go to college. I am sure they won't want to nurse or be in a diaper or be carried when they go to college and I am sure they won't be attached to my legs. There will be time when I expect them to be independent but I don't expect it to start when they are babies, toddlers or even preschoolers when they are still learning about the world around them that isn't safe. One day they won't want me to pick them up or hug them, I will stop when they give me the cue that they are ready. This is my personal preference, I didn't have my babies to leave them to their devices, I want to take care of them and their needs as long as I can. It's OK that they don't sleep through the night. I get the best hugs in the middle of the night. No crying necessary to get that from me.
Here is a page with a bunch of studies quoted, there are at least 19 cited about prolonged crying and mother not responding promptly, for those who asked for it and can't or won't make the effort to google it, but rather complain about their parenting style being attacked. http://askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.a...
I suggest to start a new thread for CIO because this thread was started to support those who don't want to use CIO and turned into an argument to support CIO.
With all due respect Jody, the link you provided says nothing about co-sleeping vs. CIO. It also says nothing about cosleeping and its safety, and ignores the fact that millions of babies world wide in poor countries sleep with their mothers for years and nurse well into childhood; they carry their babies on their backs all day and they die not from sleeping with their parents but most likely from poor conditions, poor nutrition and infections. If anything, being touched keeps them healthier longer. This link you provided merely shows accidents that could have been prevented. There are guidelines for safe co- sleeping, but that's another topic entirely.

Sunshine - posted on 10/21/2009

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WOW! This is the first time I have explored this site and I will not do it again! I though I was out of high school. I guess it is easier to pick on people and put others down when you are not face to face. I am going to unsubscribe to the "Circle of Moms"....it is a bunch of immature hateful people...not supportive!

Joy - posted on 10/21/2009

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From Tara:



"well then maybe you shouldnt put down moms who are ok with cio-you even admitted you do it sometimes. saying that the baby has given up hope on a parent condems the rest of us and makes us sound like were crappy parents. so maybe you just need to think and reword the way you say things."





You need to read MY WHOLE POST. I did not say that I let my child cry it out. I said that I understand when parents put their children in their cribs and check on them every few minutes and let them know that they're still there, and that I have done this on occasion when I needed to get stuff done. That is not my definition of CIO. CIO is when you leave your child alone and just let them scream and cry and make themselves sick until they pretty much pass out. And I have NEVER done that to my child. I never put down anyone in my posts and if you actually read what I had to say instead of reading part and twisting my words, you would see that. In the post that you just quoted, I did not put anyone down whatsoever. I think you need to make sure you know what you're quoting before you respond to it.

Sunshine - posted on 10/21/2009

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Exactly! I tell all new moms I know not to do the "crying it out". Ditto everything you said AND they are learning to trust and depend on you....you are showing them that they sholdn't trust you when they need you if you leave them to cry alone. Leaving your baby alone to cry it out IS NOT THE SAME as a 3 yo tantrum from wanting candy in the store. One does not lead to the other!!!!!

Tara - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Joy:

Wow, I had no clue that so many people get offended when you say anything against CIO. Listen, I'll let you all know what my intentions are. As a mother who believes in the attachment parenting method, I know that it's hard to go that route. I have only had about a handful of people in my time as being a mother who agreed and supported how I was taking care of my baby. And the number of people who told me that I should let him cry it out was ENDLESS. So it's been my experiance that parents who go with CIO have much more support than who don't. For a new mother who simply wants to hold her baby when they cry, having their mother in law in their ear going "Just lay that baby in the crib and leave the room. He'll be fine" can make you feel guilty and discouraged. I am simply trying to be that encouragement to those mothers that they know what's best and don't listen to anyone else. I am not saying that this is the ONLY way things should be done. If other ways work for you, then that is fine. However, I have talked to some mothers who made me completely angry, like one who told me that she expected all of her children to sleep straight through the night by 6 months, and if they didn't, she would leave them in their room upstairs while she went downstairs to sleep and turned off the baby monitor so that she didn't have to hear the crying. Situations like that are probably why the SIDS rate is so high. So yes, I am completely against doing things like that with a baby. However, I never said that I have a problem with laying your baby in their crib and coming to check on them every few minutes, letting them know you're still there, etc etc. In fact I have done that myself at times when I really needed to get things done and my husband wasn't around. I am talking about people who just lay their babies down and completely ignore them, and don't even check to make sure they're ok, or let them know that mommy/daddy is still there. But I would like to say that it isn't true that attachment parenting causes your child to be more clingy and they'll never leave your side. I know from experiance and every mother who goes with this method, that it does completely the opposite and makes your child more independant. If you have questions, read some books by Dr. Sears. He is an MD, has practiced pediatric medicine for more than 30 years, has written over 40 books and has raised 8 children with his wife. He is amazing. His website is askdrsears.com.



well then maybe you shouldnt put down moms who are ok with cio-you even admitted you do it sometimes. saying that the baby has given up hope on a parent condems the rest of us and makes us sound like were crappy parents. so maybe you just need to think and reword the way you say things.

Tara - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Vanessa:

I totally support your decission to try and give support to those mums who don't want to use the CIO method and that you don't want a lot of upset mother's replying to your message. You said some mum's were being quiet rude in their responses and granted some were but in saying that I think some of your statements are quite rude and hurtful to those mother's who do use the CIO method. Making any parent feel less about themselves and about they ability to parent is not that nice either. You must look at the fact that every child is different and what works for one may not work for others. A mother knows their child best and what their own limits are also so by all means use which ever method works best for you and your child as long as everyone is happy. No matter what method you choose it doesn't make you less loving, caring or supportive to your child it just makes you a mother trying to do what's best for your child. In the end you need to make up your own mind based on your own child.



i totally agree with this statement-and i'm glad someone can say it more tactfully then i can.

Tara - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting amanda :

i agree with some points of this that you should cherish every moment with your child but i strongly disagree that they shouldnt not be left to cry sometime ..my little girl is 2 and she is the most kissed and cuddled child but wen we put her in her own bed at night we did let her cry out we left her for 15 mins then would go back in and comfort her !! we cuddled her and she knew we were there and since then she has slept every night no hassel !! my child has not given up hope that i will comfort her if she scraps her knee or bangs her head she cries for mammy to comfort her which i do we are a very close family and my child is given so much affection on a daily basis !! i think your giving out the wrong impression to new mothers every child is different and every parent is different there is no wrong or right way to do things but i feel kids need some boundries !!! being a young mum and this being my first child i found it very overwhelming and life changing but every mother needs a break not a baby hanging out of you crying for attention 24 7 . i love my daughter very much and pride myself on being a good mother but i dont think its wrong to let your child cry sometimes !!!! for the right reasons of course



see this is exactly what i meant when i said that there is a reason to let them cry for a little bit! Im not advicating letting them scream themselves to sleep or scream while you are right there and just don't want to "deal" with it. i know those kind f parents and i hate it! but to a certain extent cio is an ok thing to do-and we're not "haters" because we're talking about the toehr side of the story.

Tara - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Dena:



Quoting Tara:

i agree that you can't spoil a baby.
BUT the rest of it is STUPID. babies are people too. they dont just cry because they need something, they just want attention too. and sometimes its best to let them cry because or else they are going to be attatched to your leg for forever. its best i believe to go in there and let them know you aer still there, but don't pick them up. where the hell does "they've given up hope on there parents" come from? Spoiled kids have to start somewhere...wont sleep alone, wont do anything you ask when they get older-it probably has something to do with the fact that their parents gave into everything they wanted when they were younger. besides, what happens when your kid goes to school and your not there? then they're going to scream all day and irritate everyone, be unconsolable and "feel like you abanded them"






I don't agree with your statement "Spoiled kids have to start somewhere...wont sleep alone, wont do anything you ask when they get older-it probably has something to do with the fact that their parents gave into everything they wanted when they were younger." I have an 11 year old that I "spoiled" when he was a baby and he is one of the sweetest, caring, most obedient kids you will ever meet and he sleeps in his own bed and has since he was a baby.






Ok, so that was a broad statement, i didn't mean that every kid who is spoiled wen they are younger turn out like that, but a decent amount of spoiled kids were also spoiled babies, and as they get older if you start to draw lines thats fine but alot of parents who start spoiling when they are younger don't always draw those lines when they get bigger.

Lisa - posted on 10/21/2009

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I totally agree with this, not only can I not let my daughter "cry it out" that is her only voice to let me know she needs something, but my pediatrician has said that it is best to go to them when they are crying.

Joanna - posted on 10/21/2009

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I find it a little funny that a few people have mentioned how CIO might lead to kids with problems. All I'm thinking is, there's probably more things down the line that would lead to those problems than a little crying. I just hope everyone is this passionate about their parenting methods when adolescence comes along, lol.

Dorothy - posted on 10/21/2009

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I agree 1 million % and really appreciated reading your post! I agree that letting a child
'cry it out' is the saddest thing we can do to our kids. And we as a society wonder why our kids turn out with so many problems...not realizing that perhaps the 'crying it out' method is not the right way to go after all. As you said though, no one wants to criticize other people's parenting but at the same time, its so hard not to want to share this with as many people as possible! Kudos to you for putting it in such an informative and eloquent way!

Joy - posted on 10/21/2009

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Wow, I had no clue that so many people get offended when you say anything against CIO. Listen, I'll let you all know what my intentions are. As a mother who believes in the attachment parenting method, I know that it's hard to go that route. I have only had about a handful of people in my time as being a mother who agreed and supported how I was taking care of my baby. And the number of people who told me that I should let him cry it out was ENDLESS. So it's been my experiance that parents who go with CIO have much more support than who don't. For a new mother who simply wants to hold her baby when they cry, having their mother in law in their ear going "Just lay that baby in the crib and leave the room. He'll be fine" can make you feel guilty and discouraged. I am simply trying to be that encouragement to those mothers that they know what's best and don't listen to anyone else. I am not saying that this is the ONLY way things should be done. If other ways work for you, then that is fine. However, I have talked to some mothers who made me completely angry, like one who told me that she expected all of her children to sleep straight through the night by 6 months, and if they didn't, she would leave them in their room upstairs while she went downstairs to sleep and turned off the baby monitor so that she didn't have to hear the crying. Situations like that are probably why the SIDS rate is so high. So yes, I am completely against doing things like that with a baby. However, I never said that I have a problem with laying your baby in their crib and coming to check on them every few minutes, letting them know you're still there, etc etc. In fact I have done that myself at times when I really needed to get things done and my husband wasn't around. I am talking about people who just lay their babies down and completely ignore them, and don't even check to make sure they're ok, or let them know that mommy/daddy is still there. But I would like to say that it isn't true that attachment parenting causes your child to be more clingy and they'll never leave your side. I know from experiance and every mother who goes with this method, that it does completely the opposite and makes your child more independant. If you have questions, read some books by Dr. Sears. He is an MD, has practiced pediatric medicine for more than 30 years, has written over 40 books and has raised 8 children with his wife. He is amazing. His website is askdrsears.com.

Cathralynn - posted on 10/21/2009

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Well, I guess you reached both sides huh? You absolutely supported people who share the same views as you yay! And then you were a lil condesending of those who don't, maybe not intentional. That's how being biased goes. But again moms who are confident in their choices and know they are trying their best shouldn't be so sensitive. We all do what works for us and our children. For the record, I think just the term cio conjures up images of hour long crying sessions, vomiting, and ignored children while a parent is blissfully sleepining in ignorance. If that's what's happening, joy you are right. But in reality, mine anyways, its not so simple. Noone should blindly follow any parenting method, I even hate those terms. You have to readjust with whatever is best for your child in mind. This means no parent is likely to do any one method fully and exclusively. And this is the advice that should be passed on to new moms. You don't have to follow a parenting technique exclusively, or do what anyone else pressures you to do. Do what feels right for you and yours, and try to put some research behind it so you're not in the dark. Then don't question yourself, and don't be sensitive to others criticisms. You know you did the best for your baby, because you love them. That's it!

Julie - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Jodi:




Julie, that would be the "trial and error" method.  That's the one I have used over the years. It is a method whereby you work out what works for you and your child personally and go with it :)






LOL Hear hear!

Jodi - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Julie:



Quoting Jodi:

I just want to add this link for you. I am not adding it to prove anyone right or wrong, but to emphasise my point about scientific fact vs. opinion. The jury is still very much out on the safety of co-sleeping vs. CIO, so to be critical of anyone's methods and try to say your opinion is fact is inappropriate.
http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/australian-...






Agreed that co-sleeping needs to be done safely!  Proponents and health care experts stress never to co-sleep:  on a sofa, with heavy bedding, whilst under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or if you are a smoker or even a particularly heavy sleeper.  But it seems to me that perhaps some posters may feel that it's either co-sleeping or let them cry it out, black or white with no shades of grey.  While I can't say for sure (heck, I don't know every parent out there!), I'd have thought that moms who consider themselves in the "CIO" category would only let the cry go for a short time, and they wouldn't ignore their crying baby altogether or if the baby sounded truly in distress.  Similarly, I believe those moms in the "no-CIO" category don't necessarily co-sleep, they simply respond to their baby's crying more immediately.  Case in point: I don't generally co-sleep, but I also don't tend to let her cry for long, though I've tried both when she kept waking and I was getting no sleep (read: at my wit's end!).  What 'camp' does that put me in?  But goodness, that story gives me the shivers, my heart goes out to those families.






Julie, that would be the "trial and error" method.  That's the one I have used over the years. It is a method whereby you work out what works for you and your child personally and go with it :)

Julie - posted on 10/21/2009

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Quoting Jodi:

I just want to add this link for you. I am not adding it to prove anyone right or wrong, but to emphasise my point about scientific fact vs. opinion. The jury is still very much out on the safety of co-sleeping vs. CIO, so to be critical of anyone's methods and try to say your opinion is fact is inappropriate.
http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/australian-...



Agreed that co-sleeping needs to be done safely!  Proponents and health care experts stress never to co-sleep:  on a sofa, with heavy bedding, whilst under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or if you are a smoker or even a particularly heavy sleeper.  But it seems to me that perhaps some posters may feel that it's either co-sleeping or let them cry it out, black or white with no shades of grey.  While I can't say for sure (heck, I don't know every parent out there!), I'd have thought that moms who consider themselves in the "CIO" category would only let the cry go for a short time, and they wouldn't ignore their crying baby altogether or if the baby sounded truly in distress.  Similarly, I believe those moms in the "no-CIO" category don't necessarily co-sleep, they simply respond to their baby's crying more immediately.  Case in point: I don't generally co-sleep, but I also don't tend to let her cry for long, though I've tried both when she kept waking and I was getting no sleep (read: at my wit's end!).  What 'camp' does that put me in?  But goodness, that story gives me the shivers, my heart goes out to those families.

Jodi - posted on 10/21/2009

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I just want to add this link for you. I am not adding it to prove anyone right or wrong, but to emphasise my point about scientific fact vs. opinion. The jury is still very much out on the safety of co-sleeping vs. CIO, so to be critical of anyone's methods and try to say your opinion is fact is inappropriate.

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/australian-...

Melany - posted on 10/21/2009

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I just want 2 say that just because you let ur child cry a little and im saying a little doesn't mean that ur neglecting them and that they r gonna feel like there is no hope i let my daughter cry but not until i checked on her and made sure everything was ok and then if she continued more then ten minutes i checked on her again i didn't neglect her at all i just simply taught her 2 soothe her self which i have read about being a good thing so we can debate all day long about which is the best way and do facts and compare books but there will never be a right answer. it all depends on the baby and what the mom feels is best. I dont kno what u guys r reading or hearing but i love my daughter very much and we r very close i would never neglect or be cruel in any way so before u accuse us of being cruel and the worst moms get ur facts about CIO method straight we dont jus neglect our babys and let them cry for hours without getting up and checking on them all the time. we still care for there needs.

Joanna - posted on 10/20/2009

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Quoting Joy:

No crying it out

I want to start by saying that by posting this, I am not trying to put down anyone's parenting style, so I don't want a bunch of insulted mothers to start emailing me. I'm just simply trying to help new mothers who are not sure of what to do.

I know that it can be frustrating when your baby cries a lot and wants you ALL of the time and is glued to you. My son was like this for a long time, so I know exactly what it's like. There's probably a lot of people telling you to just let your baby cry it out and they will learn to comfort themselves, and that you will spoil your baby by running to them and holding them whenever they cry. But the truth is, you can not spoil a baby. They cry because they need something, not because they want something. And when they are babies, they cry because they need you. They cry when you lay them down by themselves because they feel insecure and scared. When you let them cry it out a few nights in a row, and then they stop crying when you put them to bed, it's not because they've learned to be "good". It's because they've given up hope that their parent will come for them. It's because they feel like they can't depend on you anymore. To me, that is the saddest thing ever. Why would you rather put your baby through that, than spend some time each night soothing your baby to sleep? It's a proven fact that children whose parents use the attachment parenting method grow up to be much more confident, independant adults. So I just wanted to let people know, if they are not sure what to do, just keep this in mind. And whenever you are tired of rocking your baby to sleep and wish you could just lay him/her down and leave the room, just think that if something were to happen, and this were your last time you got to spend with your baby, wouldn't you wish you had enjoyed that extra bit of bonding, instead of trying to get away as soon as possible? Enjoy every moment you have with your baby, and whey they don't want you to ever put them down, take that as a compliment. The love that your baby has for you is a kind of love that you can't find anywhere else.


I'm new to circle of moms, but not to parenting forums, or parenting itself.  But why would you start this type of topic and not expect people to get upset?  Sure, offer hope to new mothers, it's wonderful that you are doing so.  But don't get mad when someone bites back, because they will.  I think some of the words used, while not mean, single out parents who've done CIO and make them feel wrong.  (I'm referring to the bolded statement). Truth is, you aren't an expert. Parents do the best for them, regardless of what you or anyone else feels.



 



I did CIO after 6 months of living on 2-3 hours of sleep a day. 2-3 hours of sleep.  And I am an individual who needs 9 hours to feel refreshed.  Needless to say I was a walking zombie, and it contributed to my PPD.  So when my daughter was 7 months old, I did CIO.  She cried for 15 minutes (this was after I checked on her at 5 and 10 minutes), then fell asleep, and slept the entire night  (instead of only 1 1/2 hour spurts, she slept for 9 full hours), and woke up happier than I've seen her. (however I didn't sleep that much, I just kept waking up figuring she'd be up any minute).  And the next night, she cried for 3 minutes. 3 MINUTES. and slept the whole night.  She hadn't cried since, and now she is 2.  all it took was 18 minuets of crying total.  So you think she isn't going to be happy and well-adjusted?  She already is happy, and it saved me.



 



So honestly, have your opinions, each and every one of you.  But don't look down on those of us who use different methods.  We are no different.  We are parents.

Wendy - posted on 10/20/2009

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I totally agree with this!! I would never let my baby CIO. I do not think it is ok. They are crying because they need you and if you do not go to them then they learn that there is no one there for them. Then they have no one to trust. It teaches insecurity. I will not do that. I might put her down and walk away for a min. to regain my thoughts, but never let her CIO. This is my style of parenting and it my not be for you.

[deleted account]

I totally support your decission to try and give support to those mums who don't want to use the CIO method and that you don't want a lot of upset mother's replying to your message. You said some mum's were being quiet rude in their responses and granted some were but in saying that I think some of your statements are quite rude and hurtful to those mother's who do use the CIO method. Making any parent feel less about themselves and about they ability to parent is not that nice either. You must look at the fact that every child is different and what works for one may not work for others. A mother knows their child best and what their own limits are also so by all means use which ever method works best for you and your child as long as everyone is happy. No matter what method you choose it doesn't make you less loving, caring or supportive to your child it just makes you a mother trying to do what's best for your child. In the end you need to make up your own mind based on your own child.

Lydia - posted on 10/20/2009

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I think its great that you want to encourage new mums...but instead of trying to encourage only those who use the same method as you why not try and encourage them all? "Hey all new mums whatever methods you choose to use are great so long as they are used in the best interests of your child!" To me this post has an agenda to promote the attachment method through your opinion which will automatically disencourage/guilt new mums who are using CIO. Points for effort though...

Jodi - posted on 10/20/2009

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Ladies, please help to keep this conversation civil and respectful.



* Comments specifically attacking other members will be deleted.



* Comments threatening members will be deleted.



* Inflammatory and off-topic comments will be deleted.



If you wish to flag a comment for review, please do so, but please also refrain from quoting and replying to the person that posted it, just for the sake of arguing.



I will lock this thread if this topic cannot be debated in a calm, respectful manner. In the meantime, I am deleting some of the posts that have contravened the guidelines of CoM.



Thank you.



Jodi Adams

CoM Moderator

Amanda - posted on 10/20/2009

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i agree with some points of this that you should cherish every moment with your child but i strongly disagree that they shouldnt not be left to cry sometime ..my little girl is 2 and she is the most kissed and cuddled child but wen we put her in her own bed at night we did let her cry out we left her for 15 mins then would go back in and comfort her !! we cuddled her and she knew we were there and since then she has slept every night no hassel !! my child has not given up hope that i will comfort her if she scraps her knee or bangs her head she cries for mammy to comfort her which i do we are a very close family and my child is given so much affection on a daily basis !! i think your giving out the wrong impression to new mothers every child is different and every parent is different there is no wrong or right way to do things but i feel kids need some boundries !!! being a young mum and this being my first child i found it very overwhelming and life changing but every mother needs a break not a baby hanging out of you crying for attention 24 7 . i love my daughter very much and pride myself on being a good mother but i dont think its wrong to let your child cry sometimes !!!! for the right reasons of course

Kylie - posted on 10/20/2009

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Quoting Angie:

I honestly believe that babies relieve stress by having a good cry and that we need to let be in their cribs and just cry sometimes. I know a good cry does me a lot of good some days.


why would a baby have stress? i think the stress would come from being put in a crib alone and left to cry for Mum but she doesn't come. Sometimes babies need to have a cry but they should be held and be comforted during this time, not left to cry until they give up or pass out from exhaustion.

Aniesha - posted on 10/20/2009

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I completely agree with you Joy. Ignore all the haters, they're just going off to ease their guilt because it's what they do *rolls eyes*.

Angie - posted on 10/20/2009

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I honestly believe that babies relieve stress by having a good cry and that we need to let be in their cribs and just cry sometimes. I know a good cry does me a lot of good some days.

Aniesha - posted on 10/20/2009

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Quoting Sara:

I'm sorry, are you an expert on child development? I know you said you don't want to cause a debate, but I think that's unavoidable. I'm glad you feel this way about your child, but I think all mom's whether they are advocates of CIO or not do. Nice of you to share your experiences, but new moms should be presented with facts and given enough of them to make an informed decision on their own. How can you possibly state "they've given up hope that their parent will come for them. It's because they can't depend on you anymore" as a fact? That is your personal opinion. It doesn't happen to be consensus of the APA or other prominent and experienced infant sleep experts, but that's cool. We'll leave facts out of it and frame our opinion as fact. I'm just so sick of people on this site who have read one book from one "expert" and now think they are experts themselves. I'm not advocating CIO or not crying it out, but I don't profess to know what is right and wrong for someone else.


Every mother is an expert on her child.  I see no harm in sharing.  That's what this community is supposed to be about, sharing our opinions.  If someone wanted a second opinion, they are quite welcome to research it.

[deleted account]

Went I was in the hospital with my first son I had the opportunity to go to some parenting classes they offered (well worth it, if anyone else has the opportunity). The professionals there gave us this routine...



Tell your baby is it sleep time

Wrap your baby (so they feel secure)

If you want to (and who wouldn't) give them a kiss or cuddle and then put them down

Walk away, wait 3-5 mins

If they are still crying, go in, settle them again (without picking them up if possible - it is not always possible)

Put them down and wait again

Repeat

If after 20 mins they are not sleeping check, are they hungery, do they have a clean nappy

If they are really destressed try giving them a baby massage, or bath to relax them

Start all over again.



This does work, and work well, my son slept through from 8 weeks.



Also, I suffered from PND, and leaving my son (because something might happen to me or him) was one of the most debilitating things that I went through, I was to scared to even let him sleep with out me there, saying "And whenever you are tired of rocking your baby to sleep and wish you could just lay him/her down and leave the room, just think that if something were to happen, and this were your last time you got to spend with your baby, wouldn't you wish you had enjoyed that extra bit of bonding, instead of trying to get away as soon as possible?" will just make some parents feel more anxious.

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