no respect

Ann - posted on 09/02/2010 ( 30 moms have responded )

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i have a 13 year son who has no respect for me at all.what shall i do?i m at my tever with him.

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Jodi - posted on 09/02/2010

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It is a pretty normal attitude from a 13 year old. My 13 year old gets the sulks, bangs things around when he is in the sulks, etc. He actually has very little in his room, only his phone and Nintendo DS. All other computer games, TV's etc are actually in the living area, so I absolutely control his time on them. I have no hesitation in removing his phone and DS if he pulls that crap on me.



We have an agreement these days. If he treats me like crap, I do nothing for him, and that includes cooking any meals, doing his laundry, taking him to his sport, etc. Sorry, but I am not his maid. I expect mutual respect or I don't lift a finger. If he doesn't do his chores without bitching at me, I do nothing for him. He knows which side his bread is buttered on :)



And with regard to blaming the father, that is NOT an excuse. My son's father badmouths me all the time when he is over there, it is not the reason this is happening. This is my house, my rules. The buck stops with me. This is happening because he is 13 and trying to assert his place in the world. He needs to learn he is NOT going the right way about it.



Does he have outside activities (such as a team sport)? Lots of friends? How do his friends treat their parents? Is he doing ok at school, is he happy there? These are all things that can affect attitude.

Alison - posted on 09/02/2010

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I disagree with previous posts. I believe that you do have the power to turn things around (although I don't think I have the answers for you). You teach him how to behave in your home. By blaming his dad, you are leaving yourself powerless.

Make a trip to the local library and look for interesting books on parenting teens. It's a tough job! Hang in there!

Iridescent - posted on 09/02/2010

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How do people treat each other in your home? Do you treat him with respect? When he makes mistakes, do you automatically nag or punish him, or do you discuss it with him, consider the cause, and use a consequence that is appropriate considering that? Taking things away is an excellent approach to discipline that age, but isn't going to teach him respect. Respect is learned by seeing and doing it.

Cindy - posted on 09/03/2010

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My son will be 15 in a couple of weeks, and I know exactly what you mean. I've finally decided to pick my battles with him carefully. If his room is a mess, then so be it. If he doesn't want to participate in family activities, then so be it. I've talked to tons of parents, and they say this it the most effective approach. Just give them some space and when they make ith through to the other side of puberty, they will understand you were just being a good parent. I know how difficult it is, but hang in there....you are definitely not alone!!

Sherri - posted on 09/02/2010

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He is a teenager. One parent usually relates better to one child than another, it seems like right now that person is his dad. I wouldn't tolerate it but also there needs to be a level of understanding that his hormones are going nuts and some of it may be beyond his control. If one approach isn't working maybe try another approach. At these ages you need to get creative so you don't spend 24/7 frustrated, annoyed and fighting. I also have a 13 yr old and I found trying to have a conversation about things or writing a note versus yelling seems to work so much better. Things have really leveled off in the past few months.

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Shelagh - posted on 09/06/2010

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OK this is going to sound harsh. 13 is too late to realise that your son doesn't respect you. You should have been insisting on that respect since he was 3, not 13. You now have an uphill task. First, you must respect yourself enough to demand respect from all those around you - partner, other children etc. Only then will he start to respect you. Talk to him as you would talk to any other person - politely, quietly, calmly. If you have younger children, start to insist on respect right now.

Leanne - posted on 09/05/2010

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i have 3 teens ( 2 are boys) 19,17 and 15. They have respect for me and my husband and I beleive that is because we talked WITH them not AT them. You may not always like what they have to say but give them the opportunity to say it. Dont be harsh in your responses but be honest, you cant ask for respect if you dont give it. Give him the respect you asking for and even though he is your child he see's himself as a young man now not a kid so dont treat him like you would if he was 8. Best of luck :)

Erica - posted on 09/04/2010

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you might try counseling so he can talk to someone other than parents. That is all the advice i can give you. Hope it gets better soon

Nisreen - posted on 09/03/2010

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I feel for you my son is 7 and he has been DISSING ME BAD!
I'm a single Mom, I have been reading a lot of books; They say to look at my attitude, what am I expecting from my son. What messages I'm I sending,
because behavior shows what one feeling within
It's not spooken. please writ back I could use some help. I pray for all children ,mothers and fathers to open our hearts to your concern, caring and kindness. AMEN

Isobel - posted on 09/03/2010

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I would empty his room...and take off his door...he can earn things back one by one...I know it seems harsh but hey...better to get it over with now than let it escalate until he's 16

Jolene - posted on 09/03/2010

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I have the same problem with my soon to be step daughter, she is so disrespectful, not just to me but to her dad and it drives me crazy. We have tried a lot but nothing seems to make an impression on what her actions are from him taking her phone, ipod, ps3, she don't care. The teens coming up now a days have no respect for adults no matter who they are. Her mom and dad divorced 8 yrs ago and she still has issues with it at times. I think its just how the schools are now, there is not much disapline out there for these kids now a days and look at the role models they have.

SHENIKA - posted on 09/03/2010

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TRY TO BE AS CALM AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT ELLING SO MUCH!!! BE GENTLE TAKE TOYS FROM HIM OR VIDEO GAMES TO TEACH A LESON TAKE AWY EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES HE REALLY ENJOY NO TV FOR A MONTH THERES MANY WAYS TO GET HIS RESPECT WITHOUT YELLING FUSSING OR SPANKING

Amy - posted on 09/03/2010

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First of all, get use to it. All teenagers get an attitude to some degree at some point. He will probably be like that for a couple more years. Has he always behaved this way, or is this new behavior? If it is new, you need to lay out the rules and stick to them. If he has always behaved this way, a big part of it is probably the way you discipline (or don't). Either way, it is repairable.

Again, half of the issue is his age, but the other half is your reaction. If he knows that there will be consequences for his attitude, it won't be as prevalent. If he is disrespectful, punish him, just like you would have if he had acted that way when he was 5. If he pouts, too bad. I have a 15 year old, and if I am talking to him and even his tone of voice gets disrespectful, he is put on notice. He may go off and sulk later, but the attitude stops there because he knows I will not put up with it. The important thing is to follow through. If you tell him he can't have his PS3 for a week, don't let him have it for a week. If you give it back after an hour because you feel guilty, he is not going to listen to you. Be strong and it will get better.

Gina - posted on 09/03/2010

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just keep up with the dicipline and tell him u won't let him treat u that way. i have a 15 and 13 and 11 yr old girls and they have mouths on them i hope u get good advice

Judith Grace - posted on 09/03/2010

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hi Anne! respect is earned not asked.. if u want to be respected, show ur son that u deserved to be respected. its hard for awhile but soon ur efforts will be rewarded thru the grace of our Lord - mom jing

Catherine - posted on 09/03/2010

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This is a really tough age for kids, and even the best kids can be very difficult in the early teen years. I teach high school, mostly freshmen, so I spend a lot of time around kids your son's age. I would try talking to him and finding out what's wrong. Even if he turns away, he's probably still listening to you. Teenagers aren't much different than 2-year-olds, and they want to be in control, so turning away from you may be a bit of a power play (and it could also be trying to avoid eye contact in an awkward moment). I think one other poster suggested giving him more input and responsibility, which I certainly think may help, as teens like to feel like they are being treated like adults. Although I do think taking things away can help in situations like poor grades, I don't think it's going to do anything here. All that will accomplish is making him angry with you, and will probably make the respect issue worse. As Amy said, respect is learned, and there's no punishment that is going to teach it. Good luck. These are difficult, but extremely important years.

Sherri - posted on 09/02/2010

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Actually for once I have to actually agree with Amy. Great comment!!

Karla - posted on 09/02/2010

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purchase a book called "Kids in crisis"..read the section about the "love bank"....respect earns respect..I know we tend to think that kids are too young too learn, then they grow up and have no manners. It takes time, patience and love, good luck!

Sandra - posted on 09/02/2010

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If I was you, I would talk with him about his behavior, take what he likes for about two or three weeks, have him come straight home after school, give him chores and tell him that you are the adult of the house and if he doesn't like it, then he will just have to deal with it and possible ground him longer.??

Ann - posted on 09/02/2010

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i dont know what to do or say anymore.i try talking to my son and he just turns his head away.x

[deleted account]

I agree that you need to talk to your son and see what is bothering him. He needs an outlet for his anger and emotions. It's hard with the hormones and changes... Maybe a sport would help him? teach him ways of dealing with his emotions... I am not sure what your son is into but my step-sons do well with screaming into a pillow, breathing techniques or just alone time where they draw, write or read. Sports also help them get the aggressiveness out.

He is forming his personality now and it is a crucial time for him to learn how to deal with it.

good luck

[deleted account]

Respect is mutual especially at that age. Maybe sit down and tell him how it makes you feel when he disrepects you then ask him if there are things bothering him about your attitude/rules/ect. Come to a mutual understanding that you will not accept backtalk or disrespect and in return you will reward good behavior and respect by an extra hour on the phone or out with friends. Focus on reward instead of argueing/punishment. There is no point in letting him turn a conversation into an arguement, my son is 8 and tries that trick already, Respect is earned and remind him of that. Good luck, hope that helps.

Dora - posted on 09/02/2010

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I would try to talk to him first and see what is bothering him. Between going through puberty and dealing with everyday stresses at school it can make it difficult for a teenager to be themselves. By taking things away from him it won't fix the problem if he is having underlying issues such as: self-esteem, depression, etc...... I feel for you because it is heart breaking to see your kids being negative and not knowing why. Definitely get a counselor involved. Sometimes they have a better chance of getting through to the child.

Joan - posted on 09/02/2010

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sounds like he may be learning from his dad. you need to have a serious conversation with his dad and let him know that his actions toward you are affecting his son. if he doesn't take you serious i would let him know that i would not be afraid to go to court and explain that he is a negative influence on your son and that you think it may not be in your sons best interest to see him until he agrees to help you with this problem. don't forget he is only going to become bigger and stronger as he grows. it is not a big leap from disrespect to actual abuse.

good luck

Sarah - posted on 09/02/2010

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im sorry to hear that. have you tried talking to him? im sorry i dont no xx i really hope you get some answers and get this resolved soon.

Good luck and god bless

Katherine - posted on 09/02/2010

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Does he have his own TV? Take that too. Take it ALL. Then make a list of things he has to do to earn it back. You may need to check into counseling if it gets too much.

Ann - posted on 09/02/2010

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hi sarah makes no difference talking to his dad as his just as bad,if he dooesn t like things what i have to say on phone he just hangs up.i think my son is very much so like his dad.x

Sarah - posted on 09/02/2010

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my brother is 14 and is very disrespectful towards my mum and i have to step in. My brother got it from my dad so we have discussed the behaviour with my dad and he is changing his attitude.
As for dealing with my brother he has been given no pocket money when he is cheeky and he has actually been given a little more responsability and input in the house, so the house is a lot more open and things can get resolved without a argument.

Hope things get better soon x

Ann - posted on 09/02/2010

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i have just took his ps3 off himyet again and he bangs things about and grunts at me but he never behaves like this when he goes to his dads house.appar accord to his dad its all my fault the way he behaves but his only been inhis life moreover past 3 years.

Katherine - posted on 09/02/2010

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I would start taking things away from him. Things that are important.

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