Not being excepted by in laws.

Bev - posted on 07/19/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Hi..been married to my husband for 10 years. Been together for 11 years. Still after all this time and 3 kids I am still excluded from family functions. At this point I just want to say forget it and don't bother us anymore. I don't want them to see my kids and know it's wrong. What would you do? I am tired of pretending it doesn't tick me off. They only show an interest in the kids when it suits them anyway. My hubby and I are fighting big time over this. Any suggestions from moms who have gone through this?

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Leigh - posted on 07/20/2009

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Bev, after all these years, let it go. Just keep your focus on having a great family relationship with those around you that really matter, & your DH. Dont pretend anymore, if your asked, honestly say how you feel, you have every right to feel that way, your really being dishonest to yourself when you hide your true self. Your husband can't help how his family is, he has not control over that, but he does have control over the way he demonstrates to them his love for you, & in the end, thats what's important. Your kids will learn from you how you will allow others to make you 'feel'. I put up with this for years, always making excuses until I realised it makes no difference in their lives so I do not allow it to make a difference in mine.

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Bev - posted on 07/20/2009

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Thanks everyone! Your comments make me feel better about how I am deciding to deal with this!

[deleted account]

This is really something your husband should be dealing with. Believe me, I'd have this problem too if my husband didn't stand up for me. He should tell his folks that your family comes as a PACKAGE. Either they accept all of you together or they will see NONE of you. My kids would not be going near a place where "I" am not welcome. No way. I know you can't make your husband deal with it but you can put your foot down and tell him that the kids aren't going anymore. If he wants to go by himself then he will have to do that. That's just what I would do if I were you. It didn't get that far with us because my husband told them straight up- either you accept my wife or you do not see my face or see any grandkids. They decided to deal with me! Well, now we don't have anything to do with them because they have their lives so screwed up that WE don't want our kids around them. At least it's our decision now and not them disrespecting me anymore.

Libby - posted on 07/20/2009

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Well, I used to be accepted by some of my inlaws but now for some reason my MIL & SIL don't want to get along with me. I would just remember that your family is what you have built with your husband. It doesn't have to include the extended family if they cannot understand that grandchildren (especially) are a blessing. I honestly would cut ties. My husband went through a period where he stopped talking to his mom and sister because of how they were treating me (after many years of him telling me to ignore it). That seemed to frustrate them more, but hopefully they have realized that me and our children are his first priority. Not them and not their silly little games they play. Hopefully your husband will be on board with putting a little more distance between your family and them. I think it is best that if they can't have a very functional rold in the family then they should have a very limited role.

Sharon - posted on 07/19/2009

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Oh yeah - I won't bore you with my horror story - but we didn't talk my mother in law for nearly 9 years before she pulled her head out of her ass.



I told my husband - "you support me in this or pay child support - your choice."

Bev - posted on 07/19/2009

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Thanks ladies...I'm just so tired of the drama of it all. I know I'm not perfect but like everyone else in this world just do the best I can. I just don't want to have the children hurt in the battle of family. We only each have sisters left. Our parents are both gone. My husband has a step dad that lives 12 hours away and only comes here once every couple of years. Then it's just to see my sil's kids and not mine. My sister and her family spend lots of time together with each other and our kids. Just thought it should be the same with his sisters but not! My husband doesn't see anything wrong with the way they treat me and when I pointed out my sister would never do that he just said good for me! Argh....

Rebecca - posted on 07/19/2009

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well the same thing happend with me and my ex and we just came right down and didnt do anything with his side of the family and even tho today he is with some one else he thought that maybe things would change? nope they did it too her too so all i can say is if u 2 are strong enough to care for urselfs and not worry about what they think u are better off with out drama and crap like that in ur life... that was something that stressed me out was his side of the family... and well when we had nothing to do with them it eased up a great deal and they didnt want anything to do with our kids either so yea.go ur own way in life they will see what they are missin

Lisa - posted on 07/19/2009

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Right now, my mother-in-law isn't really accepting me. She won't talk to me and when I am talking, she will talk OVER me like I am not even there! She won't make eye contact with me.... nothing.... It hurts.... it angers me..... and I there is a part of me that would like to keep the kids away so they don't pick up on that type of behavior but for right now I know it will only hurt the kids if I do that. I was told she will come around eventually. My sister-in-law told me it took her mom 3 years to accept her husband so I am still holding out hope. I can only wish you the best during all of this for you and tell you to stick it out. Good luck!

[deleted account]

How does your husband feel about the situation? I would expect my husband to defend me and stand up for me but that's me. Talk to him and come up with a solution that everyone can live with. My best friend's husband stood up to his parents and said they would never see the grandchildren again if they didn't accept his wife and make an effort to be kind to her. They didn't see them for almost a year and finally his parents starting coming around and apologized to my friend for their behavior. Their relationship isn't the greatest but it has drastically improved. Good luck to you!!

Lori - posted on 07/19/2009

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Hi Bev. This is rough on the whole family. The best thing I can say is don't stoop to their level, you be the bigger person and you'll never have any regrets. Let your children see that you have done everything you can to get along. And pray. Ask God to open their hearts and minds and to let them see that they're only hurting your children by acting this way. And, now don't freak out, but maybe go to them and tell them you don't like the way things have been between you and ask them to forgive you and that you would like to work on a better relationship with them for the sake of you kids and husband. You might be amazed at how they'll react. Good Luck !

Kyra - posted on 07/19/2009

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Some times your gonna run into this... Unfortun. when you marry the man you marry his family. I dont think this is fair to you, I wonder if you wouldnt talk to the person that hosts these get togethers if things would change.??? Just a thought.

Lisa - posted on 07/19/2009

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Let the kids go..it only hurts the kids.. make plans when they are going with hubby to do things for yourself, read, nail appt, shopping, museums,,Dont let it bother you trust me they are the ones loosing out.

Laura - posted on 07/19/2009

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Oh the horror stories you'll get with this one! My ex's parents have been married over 30 years and the husband's folks STILL don't think the wife is good enough for their son. To top that off, when my son was little (and my ex and I were still together) My ex went to his grandparents and asked if he could bring me and his son to their house for christmas. Do you really want to know what they got for their infant great-grandson? A little purple jumper with a stick figure on it saying "you go girl!" And then after we left, the great-grandparents ragged on their son (my son's grandfather) about how aweful I was. I never said a word all evening even though I had been insulted many time during the course of the evening!

You need to sit down with your husband and very calmly explain to him (with examples) that the situation makes you very uncomfortable. In your place, I'd make the husband take the kids to see his relatives and while they're gone, have a nice spa day and enjoy a little alone time.

My husband has a little to add on this. Point out that you're trying to raise the kids with respect for their elders but when the elders aren't showing respect, it send mixed signals and that makes it rough.

Good luck.

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