Not letting my son see his father am I wrong?

Jennifer - posted on 06/15/2012 ( 48 moms have responded )

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I have a five year old son who has not seen his biological father in two yrs the man only fought me for two days a month and I get no child support he used to do the occasional see him for a wknd not see him for six months i though to hell with it he does not help me financially and knows where I live so he doesnt try... I have an amazing boyfriend who has been with us for three yrs we live together and my son started calling him daddy on his own yrs ago but still asks me about his biological father am I wrong for not letting my son be around someone who constantly has different women living there has no job and is not a good influence but is still his father around him?

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Sue - posted on 06/17/2012

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I can't get over some of these comments! Consistency is so very important in a child's life (early child care development 101), some women here even say that their EX physically abused them, but never the kids, so they leave there children alone with a violent man because "The kids adore him?" Of course they do, that is why it is extremely rare for a batteted child to speak of the abuse they endure, this same line is heard over and over again in Child murder trails everywhere (mostly here in the USA). "Well he only hit me..." Anyway, please just follow your Motherly instincts, only you know your child's needs. Take care and best of luck to you.

Shawnn - posted on 06/18/2012

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Amy, down the road, when your son is old enough to understand things better, he'll see that you are the better role model. That's what generally happens :-) But, they need to be given the opportunity to see that for themselves, which you are doing :-), and while that's hard for you, it is the right thing.

My parents divorced when I was in middle school, and my mother did everything possible to keep our dad from seeing us. Gave him excuses for every weekend that was "his". Wouldn't give him activity schedules so that he could support his kids in their sports/performances. She told us that he didn't have time to do that, that he had other plans...anything to keep him out of our lives.

So, we made the decision to not communicate with him, based on her story. After all, she was our mother, and moms don't lie, right?

Well, 10 years later, when I was pregnant with my first son, I found out the rest of the story. My dad was such a good person, even then. He didn't want us to be upset with mom for her actions. He could see that she was trying to "protect" us from his "evil ways" (he drank beer...and bowled...Oh, boy) He kept up with us as best he could from the extreme sidelines, getting updates from my grandparents and aunts/uncles that we were allowed contact with.

I was FURIOUS with my mother! Especially since I was about to be a parent myself! Fast forward 17 years...my relationship with my mother is very, very stilted. We have a civil relationship for the kids, but I really cannot abide being around her, and her selfishness. I did tell her, very calmly, how I felt every time she'd say "daddy can't...", how I felt abandoned, etc. She still, to this day, sees it as being "protective". I see it as being narcissistic. She couldn't stand the thought of us loving and respecting both of our parents equally, and she wanted to be the "good" parent that we loved, and in her eyes, there had to be a "bad" parent that took the rap for everything.

Amy, I'm so glad that you've seen the wisdom of letting your little man know his father. He'll make his own choice when he's old enough (and it could be sooner than you think)

Nada - posted on 06/17/2012

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Kids understand more than we give them credit for.
As long as you didn't say NO to his father seeing him, then you didn't do anything wrong :)

If he asks about his dad, tell your son "do you want to call him?" If he says yes then let him, but make sure he doesn't feel that calling his father is something that would upset you.

If his father doesn't "care" enough to ask about his own son, its not your job to force this relationship, but make it open for either to contact the other, so as not to be blamed later :)

I'm sort of in the same situation, my X hasn't asked about his son in over 5 months, and my son asked to call him one time only. I used to ask him on a weekly basis "do you want to call your dad?" he would say NO. Then one time he said yes. They had a 5 minute conversation about a month ago, and his father never called him back. When I asked my son last week "do you want to call your dad?" he said "no i called him last time - it's his turn"

So kids know and feel, they have this intuition or 6th sense or whatever, and they can at a very young age grasp things that are beyond their vocabulary to express in words...

just don't be the obstacle in the relationship between your son and his biological father,

Lo - posted on 06/16/2012

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when my son was born 21 years ago, the relationship between him and his father (who was a young man at the time of my son's birth) was very rocky and we all experienced some difficult times as i pretty much raised my son on my own. now, they're very close, as both of them have grown up and i'm glad i always left the door open and did not turn my son against his father. unless there's some real, provable abuse going on, don't punish the child for what you may be (justifiably) angry about. truthfully, he doesn't sound like a man who had his "act together" when you chose him to be the father of your child, but yet you did. if you can, try and work together, it's always better for the child.

Nancy - posted on 06/17/2012

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I understand where you are coming from. I have thirteen yr old who has not seen his father since he was seven. He was constantly coming in and out of his life and it was messing with him emotionally. I use to push a relationship when he was younger but now I do not. When he was younger and he would ask me about his dad and where he is I would just tell him that some people grow up when they have children and some do not. That just because his dad was not around that it doesn't mean he doesn't love him that he was not grown up enough for the responsibility. Even now that my son is a teenager and he has his father on facebook he doesn't communicate with him hardly. Also now that he is getting older he knows who his father is and that is my boyfriend I have been with since was 3. He knows who took him to boyscouts, and taught him to fish. So my son now does not want anything to do with him really. So I quess what I am trying to say is you can not force him to be a dad. If he wanted to see his son he would be calling or coming by ect. The important thing is to not to feel that they are not loved by the missing parent. And if your ex wants to eventually be active in his life let him but under the condition that he must remain active in his life or stay out because you need to watch out for your sons well being and him weeving in and out of his life is not good for him.

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Melva - posted on 09/24/2012

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Yes you are wrong. He is his father and your son will eventually learn who his father is on his own. You don't want your son to have ill feelings for you because you kept him from his dad. If his dad remains the person he is now, their relationship will not last.

Mary - posted on 06/23/2012

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Even though it must be very difficult for you ... I think that every parent deserves to be given the chance to know their children. If that privilege is abused - through abuse, etc - only then should it be withdrawn.

Your disagreement with your son's father should not destroy their relationship - the argument is not between son and father....

Difficult position - I don't envy you ... Good Luck!

Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2012

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Thank you all for the helpful hints and sorry that some of you are going through same situations I told his biologiacal father yrs ago if he cleaned up his act and didnt have different women and there kids there every other week stopped with the pills and got stable he could see our boy he knows my address and phone number and hasnt attempted so i am not going to make him but my son has a choice when he gets older and he is very lucky to have someone be a role model in the mean time which is more than most children he just refuses to grow up so maybe one day my son will see everything that happened FYI his father offered to sign his rights over last September and never showed plus when I was pregnant he wanted adoption or abortion which was not in the cards for me I left that out by mistake buuuut when we were together while he was an infant we were ok other than him being aggresive with me which is one main reason i left but when i did leave he stopped being a dad :( but I love my son more than anything in this world and I will never hate him for the fact he gave me him

Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2012

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My sons biological father is the one im keeping him away from not his step dad his biological father is the one who Ive called CPS on three times because of language my son would come home saying his dad yells at him for no reason and even admitted in court when our son repeats him he "punishes him " my son knows who his biological father is and says he misses him but never asks to go there even if we have to drive past his street I also cannot let him go over there because of his moms new boyfriend who has a record yes he lives with his mother and last time he was there he trashed me and my fiance which was immature what im saying is if he doesnt try I shouldnt make him it just bugs me when my son "occasionaly" says he misses him but my fiance has been there since he was a baby and does everything with him and loves him like his own im just glad he loves him like that because isnt it true it doesnt take blood to be a family but the way you love and treat each other.

Kirsty - posted on 06/20/2012

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yes it is wrong to stop your child see his biological father, its not fair on your child he needs both his biological parents in his life i think the father should have just as much rights as the mother...

Julia - posted on 06/20/2012

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Support and visitation are two very separate issues and you can not refuse visits. If he doesn't pay, eventually that will catch up with him, but if you refuse visits and father takes you to court, you will be the one in trouble. They can even turn over custody for you violating a visitation order. In Michigan anyways. I get that the father is a douche but you should do what you can to help your child build a relationship with his father. If he proves unfit for the child's care then go back and get his rights revoked so that refusal to allow visits doesn't get you in a bind with the law.

Amy DuMont - posted on 06/18/2012

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First, do you have a court order for visitation? If you refuse visitation, you are violating a court order. If you do have a court order, and he is not using his visitation the way it is stated in the order, document it. Do not deny him the right to see his son, but document when he does not show up like he should. Another thing is, how does he treat your son? My daughter does not have a court order yet but when she does she is going to ask for supervised visitation. He has a lot of issues that need to be taken care of and he refuses to take care of them. When he calls to say he is coming to see their daughter, a lot of times he does not show. She is keeping track of all of this information so when they do go to court, she has it all documented.

Amy - posted on 06/18/2012

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I am in a similar situation. Sons is 3 and I divorced his dad a little after he turned 1. He disappeared off the face of the earth, and would have given up all visitation rights to not have to pay child support had the state allowed him to do that. He had now decided after not seeing his son for 2 years(coincidentally at the same time the state started docking child support out of his paycheck) that he now wants to see his son. I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for 1.5 years and he looks up to him and has a terrific relationship with him. I didn't want to let my son see his dad, but after threats to just come pick him up and take him, went back to court to get visitation adjusted. The courts gave him an introductory period of every other weekend to see him for 5-6 hours and then after 3 months we will have another hearing and visitation should go back to one weekend a month overnight. I wish I could have made him go away, but unfortunately, the courts side with the father-child relationship except in cases of abuse or prison. I know his father is not the influence that I would like him to be as he got married and had another child while he had not seen ours in 2 years. I don't speak to him at all, but as far as my lawyers can tell me, I cannot do anything unless he fails a drug test or becomes abusive. All of this has been very trying on me, but the one thing I have come to realize, is that my son will never have the same type of relationship with his "dad" as he does with me, and that my boyfriend and his future step-father will always be there for him. I hope that as he grows older he will realize on his own that being like me is the better way to be in life.

Shawnn - posted on 06/18/2012

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If you have court ordered supervision (sounds like you do) then it's simple. YOU are in contempt of court for denying those visitations.

Are you going to be the bigger person, and allow your son to create whatever sort of relationship he desires with his biological father, or are you going to withhold visitation because you are under the impression that your ex "cannot get it together"? Because, let me tell you this: Should you make that choice to violate your court order and withhold visitation, and your son finds out about it, you stand the chance of your kid (the one that you're trying to "protect") being so pissed off at you he won't want any contact with you.

If you heed the visitation as ordered in the court documents, then you're the more mature. You are showing your son that, even though you may not agree with his father, you will allow him to have that contact, simply because the man IS the child's biological father.

The other side of the coin: Do you really want the charge of contempt of court on your record? Do you want to stand in front of a judge and explain that, even though you only have your kid's best interest at heart, you could not follow a simple court order containing instructions for visitation?

You created a child with this person. YOu may not like him now, you may want absolutely nothing to do with him, but there's a complication. It's that kid that you created. HE has the right to know both of the people who created him, and, he's got the right to make a decision about whether or not he wants to know his father. Don't take that away from him.

Donna - posted on 06/18/2012

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Do you have visitation and support settled by a court? If not I HIGHLY recommend doing this. He will go to jail for not supporting his child. You can also tell the court why you think stay overs are not in the best interest of the child.
Also, talk to a lawyer. Each state is different. The lawyer till make sure all your concerns are addressed. The lawyer may even tell you to hold off on visitation until everything is legal.
Good luck

Elizabeth Mwelwa - posted on 06/18/2012

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I know you're doing what you are doing in the hope of protecting your child from negative influence but one thing for sure is your child needs to learn on their own and make their own decision and judgement about their father. you dont want your child to grow up feeling like he was denied something important. i nthink you need to give a bit of time for interaction between the two. it's unfortunate the man is not a responsible father.

Glenda - posted on 06/17/2012

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hi. my daughter is 4 and she has not seen her dad in 2 yrs. we did have an agreement for a contact centre but he caused loads of trouble there so it was all stopped. maybe if he wants to seee him you should do it a contact centre then he would not see what his father gets up to at his with all the women.

Sharlene - posted on 06/17/2012

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He has the rights to see his child, Theres no law stopping him, take care

Michelle - posted on 06/17/2012

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You asked for opinions so here is mine. It is not a personal attack so please do not take it that way.

IMHO: Yes you are wrong to not let him see his father. Granted him having different woman living with him and not having a job is not a great example to set. It is NOT good enough reason to keep him from his son.

You did not mention how your relationship with your sons father was. Is it possible that you are just using your son as a pawn to get back at your ex? Have you made it extremely difficult for the father to be in his son life and he got fed up of dealing with it? Your post states that he fought for two days a month. That is a start and court ordered so you will have to follow through or you will be in contempt of a court order.

Kendra - posted on 06/17/2012

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If you are refusing to let him see his son when he asks (even if he only asks sporadically) then, in my opinion, you are wrong. I would handle this by simply not telling my child that he is going to see his dad until the day of, when I know his dad is on the way. If dad backs out that morning, no heart break bc your son didn't even know about the potential visit. You can't keep him out of the picture just bc he doesn't pay support. If your child is heart broken when he sees his father around town, that is your fault bc you have said that you don't let him see his father...even for sporadic visits. In time your son will form his opinion of all three of you (assuming your boyfriend sticks around) and you will want to have clean hands and be able to say that you allowed his father open access and his father chose not to take advantage.

Barbara - posted on 06/17/2012

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First of all you are the mother. It is your job to protect your children, no matter who or how many fathers are involved. Secondly, as long as there is an earnest effort on his part to try to have a decent relationship with his offspring then it's up to you to work with him on that. Thirdly, as long as there's no violence or drugs involved or threats of him taking the child/children from you, I see no reason for you to act to the child like their father is "not around" or yet worse "dead to them." Like several have said here, in the long run they will grow up and realize who is actually always there for them with logical consequences and good solid reasoning in their life. If Good time daddy wants to "be around" to be a pal, then it's up to the child to say whether they want to be around him, as long as he's not hurting them verbally or physically. You must leave the door open for them to try to build some sort of father/child bond because in the end when all is said and done, the time may come when he'll have to depend on them for medical care and at least the bond will sort of be there whereby they've made an earnest effort to know each other all these years. If the child doesn't, they could possibly end up despising/hating you for keeping Dad away from them. You really don't want to find yourself in that position. So, yes, with restraint, leave the door open and try not to degrade him in front of them. Good luck. My exp. comes from several friends I saw go through this in H.S.

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You are describing the exact situation I grew up in. My dad left when I was three and I only saw him when I was eight, ten and seventeen. He never once paid child support, though was fully capable. My mother also had a great guy in her life who was wonderful to us and everything a father should be. However, he was not my father. Children, especially young ones, love their parents, no matter what. I am so grateful that my mother encouraged us to have a relationship with our father, even if it was on his own terms. When I became an adult with children of my own, my father and I developed a better relationship and eventually became close. It took nearly nearly a lifetime, but Daddy finally realized his past mistakes and apologized for them. I cannot thank my mother enough for keeping my father in my life. if she hadn't, I would have missed out on so much.

Gale - posted on 06/17/2012

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You can't force a parent to love their child, if its there its there, if he chooses to see him let him see him. If he isn't paying child support that's his problem, and if he's not working he can't pay. If by not letting him see his father when he wants to your gonna be the bad guy in this situation. It is what it is, let it be up to his Father if he wants to come around, if its his chose to stay away, then he will be the bad guy later in life. Sorry your son is having to go through it. Don't talk bad about his daddy in front of him or around him, even if you don't think he is paying attention, he is. Be the better person and let it go and let it go at the pace it needs to.

Alena - posted on 06/17/2012

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its not your fault that his dad is not around,after all he knows where u stay,its good that your son has someone who cares.

Stephanie - posted on 06/17/2012

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My 6 year old see's her biological father probably 1 time out of 3 months and she calls another man daddy who has been with her since she was 3 months old . He doesn't make an attempt then no u are not wrong for denying him especially If he tries to attempt after so many years ..

Stifler's - posted on 06/17/2012

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Your kid has a right to know their father. You can't just cut him out and play happy families with your new partner, especially if he hasn't done anything wrong by your child other than not pay cs and have other women around. You said yourself your child keeps asking about him how are you going to explain that he's "not allowed" to see his own dad, what reason are you going to give?

Michelle - posted on 06/17/2012

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Although you can't make a dad be involved in their children's life preventing a father from being involved by making things difficult will bite you later when your kid wants to know why dad wasn't in his/her life and they find out that it was because of you. If the Dad chooses not to than it is him who will have to explain that later and they will say it's because of you if your smart you will bend over backwards to let the Dad see the child and make sure the child knows that Dad was suppose to come but didn't. Seperation is hard but all involved needs to be civil so it doesn't effect children in a negative way. Good Luck

Ronda - posted on 06/16/2012

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Your son deserves to know his biological dad. If he is not abusive to him then it would be in the best interest of the child to know him. If not your son will grow up to blame you and you will be depriving him of a part of himself. You can always force him to pay through the MEP.

Jodi - posted on 06/16/2012

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Unless the father is abusive towards the children, and generally putting them in harms way, then you should always leave the door open for them to get to know him. Having no job is not a good reason to keep the kids away. Having a different woman, while not setting a great example, is not a reason to keep the kids away from HIM, not helping you financially is not a good enough reason.

Miranda - posted on 06/16/2012

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The father of my kids epitomises the term 'dead beat'. never changed a nappy, never paid for one either. He was abusive toward me in our relationship, but never the children. Regardless of my feelings towards him, he is their father and my children adore him, and need him in their life. Our door is always open to him. I also i take them to his place at least once a wk. he pays no child support. I grew up not knowing my father, and for me, that was much more damaging.

Katrina - posted on 06/16/2012

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Well, it's much more damaging for a child to have an ansent or here-today-gone-tomorrow father, as opposed to having no father at all. My kids don't see their dad due to his behaviour towards us (safety issues, but my kids are ok. Although, they do wish he was there for them. It's difficult as a parent because you want the best for them, but we can't wrap them in cotton wool. That said, he should see him on a regular basis or not at all in my opinion. By sister in law has her children in foster care, and she never saw her kids on a regular basis so when she asked to have a review so she could start seeing them again, she was told no. They would only allow her to send letters and photos and IF she could continue that on a regular basis, then, and only then, would they consisder a review. That's the level they expect. They run on the kids' best interest. To me, it's a no brainer. But, maybe if you guys sat down - without your son - and made a plan for him to see him regularly (if he's willing) and see how that goes. Tell him he MUST stick to the plan in order to do what's best for your son. Explain the effect on children if you have to - rejection, confusion, low self-worth - and see if that hits his heartstrings. If not, then I would say no to him, if he can't stick to regular contact. If you've already had a calm conversation like this, then I'd just say no, as you've already tried. It's a difficult situation you're in, but be strong and follow your instinct not your heart. All the best to you and your family. xxx

Annabelle - posted on 06/16/2012

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Quit being cruel! Your boyfriend your not married to and he is calling himDaddy. What if you break up. Is the next man called Daddy. My brother divoced 30 years ago and doubled the required child support. He was in the military and she was suppose to meet him half way. Or fly the kids. She was so scorned, the kids missed out on Italy., germany eyc. No matter how you push daddy on your kid. They know. She remarried and the son called him Pops.He knew he had a Dad. So whatever you think he is awful now! At one point in time it was O.K. to create him with this Man. Trust me your son will hold you accountable when he is older.

Sarah - posted on 06/16/2012

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Yes, you are wrong. Whether you like it or not, you chose to have a child with this man. Your son has a right to get to know him. It has nothing to do with child support. You're punishing your child, not his father for him not paying. It's not what's best for you or him, but what is best for your son - and that is learning about both his parents.

Malinda - posted on 06/16/2012

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Am I understanding you correctly... It's not his biologicall father you're keeping away from him but a father role model? If it's an ex that assumed the role of father while he was in a relationship with you, he's irresponsible, unstable, not a good role model? No, you're not wrong. It's our job as mother (and father) to protect our children. It's admirable that he fought for some kind of visitation, at least he seemed to care but he's just not in a good place in his life to assume such responsibility. When my x and I split we were married, we had 2 children together and I have one from a previous relationship that he'd been a part of her life since she was 6 mos old, he included her in each of the visits as though nothing changed, that's his daughter. However, he was on drugs, had a drinking problem. Part if why we split. He progressively got worse. Had to get a restraining order/stay away order. This didn't prevent him from visiting the children within the set guidelines. He chose to use it as the reason he wasn't allowed to see his children. During the 5-6 yrs he was absent, I just explained to my children that daddy isn't feeling good and he has something's he needs to take care of but when he gets better and gets all that straight he'll be back. It has nothing to do with them, there's nothing any of us can do but to just wait. Meanwhile we will still do what we do what we gotta do and want to do. The child support or lack of support is often something single moms try to use as a reason or excuse for not allowing visitation. Look at it like this... #1 the kids should NOT double suffer, 2 if he has visits with them say for a day or two... That's those number of days you don't have to cook, worry if there'll be enough food to last, etc... He'll have to pay for the meals or find a way to feed them, right? Then, never let the $ stand in the way. Let them make you look good in the long run cuz one day they'll realize all you've done to take care of them. Long story short, you're not wrong. Sorry for such a long response but I needed to make a couple of points. Thanks. Good luck, blessings to you. Malinda

Anne - posted on 06/16/2012

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No your not wrong I just had my daughters bio-dads rights terminated because he is a sleeze bag...my hubby is gong to adopt her...you know what is best for your child..

Martha - posted on 06/16/2012

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You could leave the door open, for the bio father to see your son when he wants to...If he shows up, OK, but if he really does not want to see the boy, just wants to be a pain to you, then he will make visitation times, and not show! That hurts the child, but your son will gradually realize that his 'real' dad isn't that good of a dad after all. --- If it were me, and the bio-Dad did show up for a visit, I would not let bio-Dad take him for over night, until the child is older. Bio-Dad hasn't had the boy for so long now, you have no knowledge of how he will treat your son, let alone give him the care he needs, at 5 years of age, for an over night stay.
Your son is too young to realize how his father is, and when he asks questions about his Dad, give him honest answers, don't belittle/berate his Dad, as much as you might want to.
That could back-fire and your son will one day walk off to go find Dad to see if he is as bad as YOU say he is...Time will only let you know if he stays with Dad or comes back to you.
(I've seen that happen with other friends and even family. The teenager left home, went to live with the other parent because they thought they were lied to and Dad / Mom were not as bad as they'd been told they were. - As it turned out with a couple of the children, they did learn very quickly that the "other parent" was as bad as they had been told, and they came home and that was the end of it!! - - The other one I know of, whose Mom had been making Dad a real bad person, found out that was Mom's anger and spite to keep him away from his Dad. That Dad turned out to be very good, loving, and hard working, but just on the wrong side of the Mother's temperament ) That young person turned against the Mother for lying to him all those years, keeping his Dad away, and their missing out on so much as he grew up!!!

If your boyfriend is good to your son, then he will be the one you son looks up to the most. If you two stay together. - Even if the bio-dad changes and turns out halfway decent and does keep his visitation up, your son will grow up to make his own mind up about him. Just don't become the person that paints an ugly picture of his dad. It will eventually come out on it's own, if that is and stays the case.

Mary - posted on 06/16/2012

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I was married to an abusive, unemployed man he hurt me never my kids. When he died he owed me almost 50 grand. I never kept the boys from him i actually drove around a 1000 miles every summer because he lived out of state and wouldnt/couldnt come get them he would also only take 1 @ a time. That was a huge burdon on me but even though he was a complete jerk I believed my kids deserved to see their dad so I made it happen. I think you should call child support enforcement weekly til they do something about it If he doesnt want to be apart of their lives and your not getting support consider asking him to relinquish his parental rights. My biggest concern with my boys was I did not want them to resent me for not seeing their father when they were young. No matter what you do be honest with your son and explain as much as you can. If you go to court you may be able to get full custody with no visitation or supervised visits but he would still be responsible for support. I'm pretty sure hes in contempt of court by not paying and visiting but if he were to take you to court youd also be in contempt because when he tries to visit you refuse. Talk to a lawyer protect yourself and your son. Good luck and god bless

Dove - posted on 06/16/2012

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*Think about what's best for your child not whether it's right or wrong.

What's best for a child is to know who his/her father is and to be able to have some type of a relationship with him. Period. No amount of 'well, he's a jerk, so doesn't deserve MY kid' will change that fact. Yes, deadbeat, crummy fathers DO cause damage. There's no denying that fact either, but it is quite possible to minimize that damage and it is better for a child to know exactly what to expect from his/her father than to never get that chance and possibly 'idolize' a man that doesn't exist.

Lisa - posted on 06/16/2012

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Have you thought about supervised visits with dad and one of his a relative to make sure your son is ok during visits? I have worked with kids who were not able to see their parents and also been a step parent, kids will idealize they aren't that is not present. Best thing we did for my step kids is to show them how their mom really was. Then they could make their own decision re: what kind do relationship they wanted. You don't want your son to grow up blaming you.

Caroline - posted on 06/16/2012

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A kid needs his father, even if that father is not very good. He will discover soon enough what his dad is about, the only question is are you making that process more difficult for your son? Right now your son is getting a lot of his self-worth/identity from his dad, you are not going to stop this. You are better off in my opinion helping him spend good time with his dad. Sure, those moments may be few and far between, but your kid will have some positive memories of him, and when he is old enough to realize that his dad isn't really "good" then you can sit him down and explain to him that his dad loves him but has some problems that he is working through, and in the meantime your son has you and these other male figures in his life. You can direct this situation in a positive way, make it about the dad and not about the son.

Personally, I believe that fathers have a very important role in the development of children, and if the father isn't up to it, then it would be my responsibility (no matter how unfair) to help them live up to it. Invite him to his son's birthday party. Make it easy on him to have some special moments. Again, it's not fair, but it's what's best for your kid.

Michelle - posted on 06/16/2012

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I am in the exact same situation! I have a five year old and his "father" would see him when suited him not what was ordered in visitation. I stopped all contact. You have to. It's not healthy for you and more importantly your son doesn't deserve to be siting at the window waiting and then his "father" doesn't show... My son calls my fiancé daddy by his own choice as well and I wouldn't change it. Think about what's best for your child not whether it's right or wrong. ( I personally think your doing what's best!!) good luck :)

Dove - posted on 06/15/2012

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Never asks to see his son? Or never pays child support and won't get his act together in the way you say he should in order to see his son? Those aren't the same thing at all and I just want to clarify since you say he doesn't attempt to see his son, but then you say you won't let him see his son unless he gets his act together.

If he asks to see his son and you say no, unless....whatever you want to happen happens... you are wrong (unless your stipulations have also been court ordered).

Michelle - posted on 06/15/2012

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Visitation and child support are 2 different issues. Just because he's not paying doesn't mean he can't see his child.
I know he's not being a great Dad but your son does have a right to see his father, now matter how much of a deadbeat you think he is.

Jennifer - posted on 06/15/2012

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he calls my mom once in a while buuuutttt never attemps never gave child support and will see us driving down the hwy and does nothing my son is hurting and it breaks my heart I wont let him go unless he gets his act together ya know but he doesnt try and my father left and i hate my 5 yr old going through it as well sometimes it just gets to me

Dove - posted on 06/15/2012

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You aren't wrong for wanting your son to be around a positive influence, but if you are making it impossible for your son and his father to have any sort of a relationship... yes, you are wrong.

If he knows where you live and how to contact you and chooses NOT to... that is on him. If he does make attempts to contact and see his son and you flat out refuse it all... that is on you.

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