Ok for Grandma? Need other mom's advice...

Angela - posted on 02/15/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi ladies,

Just wanted to ask how you all are handling these situations...I've heard both arguments for toddler discipline; you need to be consistent and have others that are around him do the same or the argument that it's ok for kids to have a little more leeway with grandparents or other relatives. My mom is pretty good about doing what we ask, but does have a bad habit of attending to my son if he's in the middle of a tantrum or catering to whatever he wants. My husband and I don't acknowledge our son's tantrums because he's going through a phase where he hits or bites if he's upset. So we'll put him somewhere in the room safe, where we can still see him, and go about our day. Within seconds our son is fine and back to normal. But he can really lay on the drama so when you cater to his tantrums, his behavior worsens. Like eating out if someone has french fries (not something we give our son very often, and if so, in limited quantities) he will throw a fit and refuse to eat anything else. If something is within reach, he'll throw it. So, he's learning with us if he eats a bite of his dinner, he can have a french fry or whatever else he wants instead. When my sister (who lives out of state and doesn't see him often) is in town or my mom is up, they tend to give him whatever he wants, whenever he wants. This seems to be a snowball effect for bad behavior, which normally is pretty limited and only occurs when he's tired. My mother in law never listens to a word we say and will do whatever she wants, regardless. So, I think she's a lost cause. But I wanted to know if any of you have dealt with this? And if so, have you let it go and just dealt with the breakdowns and consequences? Or asked your family members to abide by your house rules?

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6 Comments

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Angela - posted on 02/16/2010

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Thanks, Ladies :-) I think I've given up on my MIL. She's even ignored my instruction on a medication he used to take so I figured at that point, nothing I say will ever be taken seriously. She does NOT like to be challenged and I'm the only one in her family who ever has so our relationship is strained anyway. I leave that up to my husband. As for my family, this weekend with both my sister and my mom staying with us, the phrase "do not touch that child" came out of my mouth a couple times during a tantrum. They had no problems abiding and in a few days, my sister even was telling my son "no hitting" and got the point of ignoring his tantrums. I get that time with grandparents should be special and being spoiled is their right. And I really have no general issues with that. In fact, we decided we didn't want my MIL to be a caregiver because we didn't want to take away that special grandma role she wouldn't be able to have as a caregiver. But the big things for us, sleeping, eating and tantrums, are where I do not want to back down and want our rules to ALWAYS apply. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't alone in thinking that was acceptable. I should also mention my son is 18 months old so he's still a little young, but old enough to know what he can get away with. I just don't want him to have snacks (his favorite is yogurt covered raisins which cause their own problems in mass quantities) for dinner when we're not around if it's going to make him sick. Grandma's not the one who has to change his diaper! My MIL took him to lunch once and only fed him olives. Needless to say, he was still hungry. Anyway, thanks again, Ladies. I guess the battle with parents never ends...

Kati - Good luck with your boys! That sounds like a tough thing to deal with every day. :(

Renae - posted on 02/16/2010

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I think when kids are old enough to understand the difference between grandma being lenient and the need to follow mum's rules, then it is ok to get away with a little more at grandma's house. BUT your rules always apply at your house or when you are all out together, no matter how old the child is.



At this tender young age, your child is learning boundaries and wrong from right. These boundaries need to be consistent, or as you have seen, you will get nowhere. Consistency is the key to most child behaviour. For the time being, until you see that your child is old enough to understand that different rules can apply at different houses, your family need to follow your rules.

Sharon - posted on 02/15/2010

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My child = my rules. I've had to intervene more than once with family who wanted to cave in to the crying child. I've had to show that MY way works, not just for the short term either.

Kati - I would FORBID my mother contact with my children if she were to cause physical harm as your mother has. And I would get a living will ASAP to see to it that if something were to happen to my husband and myself that she could not get her hands on them.

Sandi - posted on 02/15/2010

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Our daugher is 10months old and is staying at her grandparents (my mum and dad) for the first time ever as we speak. The only thing we insisted upon is keeping to her bedtime routine...to the letter. We even wrote a timetable.



Our nephew gets more time with them than our daughter. He's old enough (18mths) to know that his grandparent allow things his mum and dad don't. Our daughter also acts the same with my husband and I, she knows what she can get away with depending on the person.



I feel that because she doesn't see her grandparents much she should be able to go by their rules on everyday stuff like food or being picked up all the time. I like the thought that she will think that being with her grandparents is a treat and something out of the norm. I'm sure they will pick her up for cuddles at any given chance and give her chocolate and generally spoil her. But it's a one off and the fact that she can share that "rebellion" agains mummy and daddy with her grandparents makes it kind of cute.



However, the bedtime routine is a non negotiator! Decide which habbits you are willing to relax on and which have a massive daily impact.



If you keep the non negotiators to a list of 2 or 3 it will help your parents and sister remember what isn't allowed. Tell them why aswell so they can see it from your point of veiw instead of "oh the poor kid, it's just this one time".



~x~

Rosie - posted on 02/15/2010

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i have this problem with my parents. but only with drinking water. all 3 of my boys have a condition called diabetes insipidus. their kidneys don't function properly and flush everything out of their bodies, in turn they feel like they need to drink, and drink and drink, or else they feel like their gonna die of thirst. they do need more water than normal kids, but they have to have a limit on how much water they can have at one time or else they will puke from water intoxication. my mother also suffers from this condition so she knows how bad their thirst is, so i think she feels sorry for them and give them as much water as they want. it really irritates me because she isn't the one that has to clean up the puke if they do end up puking, or the pee (they pee gallons i swear!). i have voiced my concern, but most normal people can't understand how giving a child water can be harmful so i think they just don't understand. when i'm there, they will listen to me most of the time, but if they are watching them, their little bellies are filled to the brim with water. i chalk it up to my parents not having to live with my children and not fully understanding. how can they when they aren't around them all the time cleaning up all the pee. they havn't puked in a while, and my parents actions havn't made them puke-yet.

other than that my parents do spoil my kids a bit to much, but i don't feel it interferes to much with my parenting style. i've come to find that they are actually better behaved at my parents house than at mine sometimes!

if you do feel like it is interfering with the way that your child acts, than by all means say something to them. and if that doesn't work, don't let them be around family members that don't listen. soon they'll get the picture.

Iridescent - posted on 02/15/2010

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We usually don't have family around much, and when they are they follow our rules. They expected the same when they were parenting us, so have the respect to follow it themselves, even when they don't agree. I do think that occasionally a different parenting style (from a grandparent) can be good though; it sounds odd, but I remember biting my sister when I was 16 (years!). I was let off scott-free, and never told why. But it meant a lot because my grandparents must have realized how terribly stressed I was, and that no punishment would have helped the situation at all. But letting me know they cared enough to see the stress I was under and give me ONE break, will never be forgotten. Sometimes a child (any age) needs someone they can depend on to just let them vent. If the grandparent wants that role, maybe it's better to leave it, but it's totally up to you and make it clear that what is acceptable there is not necessarily allowed around YOU.