Ok need some advice on my daughter. She is 12 and she does nothing but argue and talk back..call her dad and I names. She is already becoming a handful..we set rules and we have grounded her she just don't seem to care. Any advice...I ask my parents and they always want to put the blame on me because I work a full-time job, and her dad is home with her more. What is a good way to reward and discipline a child at this age?
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Cecilia - posted on 01/27/2013
Although running around town doing what you need to do is a great start, start setting up "dates" with her. Something for her to look forward to. Like i said, it can be anything but one on one time. Somewhere that you two can talk. It allows her time to tell you things she might want to but can't find the time to do.
I have 5 kids and the truth is my teens have shown me that they need more "me" time than my 2 year old. Just me and them. Sometimes with my daughter we spend our time baking. The others know its her time with me and respect that. Baking seems to be when she tells me all the stuff she had happen in the week. This is when she seeks my advice about situations. If we're at the store she doesn't have this chance because she knows my mind is busy remembering or reading my list.
Tasha - posted on 01/26/2013
@ Cecilia and Ariana...thank you for the helpful advice. I do take time out for her and we do have mother daughter time, even if I just go get groceries, or run a few errands I try to take her with me. We are trying the taking away her important stuff like the electronics. So far it's working.
Tasha - posted on 01/26/2013
@ Maggie I would just like to say your right about being a parent first, but I would never use a belt on my child. You do what works for you, but for me that is not what she needs. Smacking her don't work either. I appreciate the advice but that's not my style!
Cecilia - posted on 01/26/2013
Maggie, your son is two and you hit him? I also have a two year old. She listens to me without me ruining her self image, and her respect for me. You do know hitting a child at a young age shows them that hitting = power. They are 80% more likely to be bullies in school, just saying.
Cecilia - posted on 01/26/2013
same way you punish a child of any age. take away what they love the most and make them work to get it back. saying you're grounded for a week means they know after a week they get what ever back. She loves her cell phone,laptop, xbox, whatever it may be- take it. When she can be respectful she can have it back. Yes she will throw up big attitude when you take it away and maybe scream she hates you. So what, it's only screaming.
Now that punishment is done now you need to work on what is called positive reinforcement. You need to learn to praise her for the good things she does. Maybe it's grades. Maybe it's doing dishes, or picking up her room. Learn to say thank you. It wouldn't hurt to try to spend more time with her either. Maybe set up a day once a month where it is mommy and daughter time. It doesn't matter what you do. Go get coffee, and her a hot chocolate. Sit in the park with lunch.. who cares just take time out for her.
Ariana - posted on 01/26/2013
Don't argue with her. It takes two to tango as they say and if she's bringing you into an argument you need to realize it right away and clearly say, this is becomming unproductive and walk away.
Kids start to realize how to press your 'hot buttons' and have low impulse control. For every minute or two you argue with a preteen/teenager you're 'age' goes down. You start off at 35 (or w/e) and your age slowly gets lower and lower until you're as young (or sometimes younger!) than they are. You can't reason with them while they're in 'argue' mode. Stop the argument at the beginning, walk away.
Find her currency, what does she like the most? Internet? Friends over? Staying up late? Find out what it is she likes and use that as a punishment. If she talks back to you or her dad she loses this for the day. If she continues she loses it for the next day, I would limit it to three times (so it doesn't become her never being able to use the internet or go out ever again!) because you can enforce that. If she gets 3 days of losing a privilage tell her that if she can make it the second day with no backtalk or name calling she 'gains' the next day back.
I would sit her down and talk to her about this. Before you do that agree with your husband what you plan on happening from now on if there is backtalk or name-calling, what will she lose out on? What does she care about? Agree with him on the punishment beforehand. Tell her you've noticed this issue and you are concerend with the backtalk and namecalling (you and her father of course). Ask her if there is some way for you to figure things out, or what her concerns are. Maybe she feels you aren't listening to her or w/e, maybe she can think of something that could help the situation that you haven't thought of. If this is the case try to take everything she has to say into consideration EVEN if you don't agree with what she's said, don't start arguing with her. Just listen. After that write out what you and your husband want to happen and try to incorporate things she's said if possible. Be very specific, don't say, no talking back, what does that mean? Does saying oh w/e talking back? What exactly IS talking back? You don't want to get into an argument with her over the definition of talking back while you're in the moment (and she WILL argue over the definition). Write a little blurb on the bottom of how you have the right to change the agreement (in case you have to add something).
Write it out so she knows what you're going to do and how you expect her to behave. That way if she starts to argue with you you can bring your agreement out so there will be no arguing.
I also wouldn't argue when it happens, if she backtalks or calls you names, walk away from the situation. Later on either tell her, or leave a note for her saying the consequence you're giving. Do NOT get sucked into an argument or let her push your buttons. If arguing is a problem, same thing, stop the conversation and walk away. If you or your husband see the other one getting upset and pulled into an argument try to create a 'secret code' or sign that get show the other one they're getting pulled in. Maybe a kiss on the cheek or a hand signal.
And yes, if she talks to you or disagrees with you about something and is able to talk to you calmly, or maybe she's upset but decides to walk away instead of yelling at you, tell her how much you appreciate that. Kids still want your praise. You might want to practice trying to tell her how to handle dissappointment or frustration. You can try talking about what she should do if she's upset in the moment, taking a breath, telling you she needs a minute. I wouldn't suggest telling her to 'walk away' because she might try to use that to get out of situations every time she doesn't want to be there.
Anyways sorry this is so long ha. Hope some of that helps.
Dove - posted on 01/26/2013
You could always go 'boot camp' on her... remove all electronic devices and anything 'fun' (you can leave a few books, notebooks, etc...) out of her room leaving just the furniture and necessary clothing (in other words... appropriate clothes to cover her body.. not any of the 'cool' outfits) and put her on 'lockdown' where she only leaves the bedroom for school, meals, and bathroom breaks until her attitude improves and she can start earning back her freedom and stuff piece by piece.
Hitting a 12 year old is a little (extremely) excessive. I'm not anti-spanking at all, but a belt? And still hitting at 12? Yeah.... no.
Maggie - posted on 01/26/2013
ALL I CAN SAY ON THIS IS... BACK IN THE DAY AS A CHILD IF I SMACKED MY LIPS ROLLED MY EYES TALKED UNDER MY BREATH OR DID ANYTHING I NEW WASNT RIGHT.. I GOT MY A** WHIPPED... U CANT BE HER FRIEND FIRST AND THEN HER PARENT.. YALL GOTTA LET HER KNO IM UR PARENT FIRST AND U R GOING TO RESPECT ME OR ELSE.... SHOW HER WHAT A BELT FEELS LIKE... SHE WILL GET RIGHT. MY SON IS ALMOST TWO AND TRUST ME HE MINDS REAL GOOD. AND WHEN I SAY POP POP.. HE GET RIGHT... STOP BEING HER FRIEND FIRST AND EXPECT HER TO LISTEN.... GROUND HER TAKE WHAT SHE LIKES MOST AND WHOOP HER A**