ok serious question .. read it all before you comment tho please!!!

Lutisha - posted on 01/19/2010

Oh do I know how you feel. Here is what I plan, first off I believe that a person should only be baptized when they are ready and a Baby cant really make that choice. My In Laws are some hard core churchs goers and I like you lost my faith a long time ago. So just to please them I am going to have him dedicated to the Church. I know it sounds the same but its not. I will then when he is old enough take him to Church and let him decide if that what is right for him. I think all you can really do is stick to your guns and tell her no. It might hurt her but she will still love you. I dont really think you can get her to understand if thats the way she feels. Good luck on this one.

Tara - posted on 01/19/2010

i like the post about having a heart to heart with mom and just telling her my children i will teach them what i want. your granchildren you will teach them what you want. the end and as for the issue of not going to heaven if not baptized ask your mom does she seriously believe that her god would keep an innocent child out of heaven?!

Nicole - posted on 01/19/2010

i completely understand what you are going through see my problem is my grandma.... she wasnt as religious when i was a child as she is now.. i was allowed to chose and im all for it i went to several different churches before i found one that suited me, my daughter is not baptised im letting her choose she knows about jesus and mary but my grandmother keeps telling me shes worried about her soul, so i just say i hear you and go about my merry way, for i believe faith to be private between you and whatever you believe in. you should try to talk to your mom like others have said, say i love you but this is my child to raise and i will do all the worrying about her soul thank you very much you just concentrate on being the best dang grandma you could ever hope being :) just try to remember our parents just want whats best for us and that we dont make the same mistakes that they did. im sure she'll be healthy and well adjusted no matter what faith she falls into

Lisa - posted on 01/19/2010

Well I have 3 sons. 4,6, and 9. I havent pushed any religion on them really. I have attended church with them and let them experience several different vacation bible schools. Out of 3 or 4 different churches they have always asked to attend the one down the street from our home. It is a Baptist church. They go every wednesday and Sunday. I do think it is wise to let them know there is a God and they have a choice. They love church and God and that makes me happy. I dont really care what other family members think because they are my children to raise not theirs.I dont go on a regular basis but Im happy that they do and they choose to go. As long as they beleive in God and grow up to be good healthy people it should not matter what church or school they belong to.

Paula - posted on 01/19/2010

No matter how much you discuss this you may hit a brick wall. She is devout in her beliefs and wants the best for your children because she loves them. Remember that the 100th time she brings this up again. I would have clear conversation with her on your stance that you are not going to do this just for her. I would also make it clear that if the conversation comes up again that you will change the subject. There is no reason to argue just change the subject. You are absolutely right. I have had this discussion several times with my mother. She is not devout but believes that without religious training that children are susceptible to the cults. She has come to terms with our decision after 4+ years. I have found that I have incorporated a lot of religious type learning for my daughter because of some of the wholesome values it brings. Family, being kind to others, being true to yourself, honest. Good values. Adding this to my child's life has eased my mothers concerns. I compromised a little to have peace in my life. My mother is not is good health and I know that I am going to have to explain death to my daughter some day soon. These discussions get hard for a young child with no understanding of faith. I hope you find a way for love and peace in your life no matter what else you believe.

Jane - posted on 01/19/2010

The same thing happened to me, raised catholic, went to private catholic schools the whole thing. In my adult life I realized I was forced to believe in some things that I just honestly didn't believe. I got both of my boys baptized catholic & my 13 year old also went to CCD until his 1st communion. My 9 month old was also baptized catholic & I will do the same thing w/ him as I did w/ my 13 year old. I do believe that the bible stories teach great lessons about life & I want them to have some exposure to religion so this is why I'm choosing to do this. They may choose any or no religion as they get older & I'll have to problem w/ that @ all. You need to tell your mom what you believe & tell her also you respect her beliefs but this is not how you choose to raise your kids. One thing my sister-in-law did is have her kids baptized non-denominational so they may choose their own religon when they get older but also have the benefit of having godparents & I woud imagine to get certain family members off her back. I know w/ my mom she would be very upset if I hadn't got the kids baptized, she actually arranged most of it for me as I of course do not have a church. This is your choice & your mom needs to respect what you decide to do. Maybe tell her there's no point in baptizing your kids if you aren't going to teach them about god anyway, what's the point if you don't believe? It's all about respecting each others beliefes. Good luck hon!!

Ashley - posted on 01/19/2010

thank you everyone for you possible comments ... and yes I disagree with letting grandma just go baptize them.. thats the whole point here is i dont want to do it and im not a religious person anymore but thank you everyone for sharing your stories as well... its nice to know im not the only one trying to figure out this religious side to parenting

Dezeray - posted on 01/18/2010

I think all parents face this issue of its"my child not yours" with thier parents. I think your mom will see you mean what you say when you dont go through with baptizing them. Its very hard to get a religious person to see another side, besides their religion espeically catholics. It can be a struggle with anything you do with YOUR children. Just stay strong your choices and your husband and you are going to make a great support team for eachother. These are your kids shes done raising hers now raise yours, your way. Good Luck!

Renee - posted on 01/18/2010

Same situation but without the Catholic school. My parents are very religious and cannot understand why I am not (nor my ex). My children are not baptized and I hope they never will BUT if they want to embrace a religion then I have no problem on that. I am neutral about it if they choose it, but I will not choose for them. My daughter tells me she believes in God, my son has autism and doesn't even believe in Santa. He could care less about an abstract thing like a higher power. We talk about beliefs but what I believe is more important is to teach moral behavior not to frighten children with stories of going to hell for swearing or whatever but teach them to have high standards just because it's the right way to behave. "Be the better person in a terrible situation" kind of stuff.

Firebird - posted on 01/18/2010

If nothing else works, you can always tell your mother that Jesus wasn't baptized until he was in his 30s!

Firebird - posted on 01/18/2010

I kind of know how you feel a bit. Not with school but my ex's family tried pressuring me to get my daughter baptized. I do not believe in god. I am a Pagan. Why would I get any of my kids baptized? I was raised in a Catholic home but all of my family is perfectly ok with my decision to not baptize, but I'm actually afraid that if my girl goes to spend a week with her dad's relatives they'll have her baptized behind my back.

I just told them at the time, that since neither myself or my kid's dad were religious that there was no need to baptize. I tried being casual about it but I ended up having to get a bit rude to my ex's brother about it. He wouldn't leave it alone, saying all the time that it would make Granny so happy.....so I told him that I did not have my child to make your Granny happy and I will not do anything I don't believe in just to make her happy! That was the last time I heard about that! lol

Rebecca - posted on 01/18/2010

When i was a baby we were dedicated to a church. We were not baptized unless WE wanted to be. Our parents could do it as a baby if they wanted but my mother chose to let us just get the dedication and decide later in life if we wanted to be baptized. The only downfall i have had from this, is that i can not get marreid in a church without my baptismal certificate. We were able to find ONE church that would do it, it was catholic, my husband is, i am not.
As far as your mother, just sit down with her and have a real heart to heart. Is there a church where you could get them dedicated so they will at least be "accepted" in to God as some say it. I am with you though, i don't practice religion and i don't really wish to and it will be up to my children to decide what they want. My mother howvere is understanding of this so i'm sorry you have to listent o her. But she needs to understadnt hat although you love her and appreciated her input, you and your husband are making the final decision and she is going to have to understadn that.
Good luck

Sapphire - posted on 01/18/2010

I just wanted to add that you should never feel bullied into parenting your child the way your mother says you should. A child does NOT need a religious upbringing in order to be taught morals, values, right from wrong, and how to be an upstanding productive member of society. These are all valid reasons to share with your mom and with so many world faiths out there, your children have a host of options to chose. Think of it this way, would your mother love her grandchildren any less of they were not baptized? (And please disregard the insane reply to let your mother baptize your child!) Would your mother love her grandchildren any less if they decided to become Jewish? Muslim? Buddist? or Athiest? Help guide your mom to focus on the relationship with her grandchildren and less about organized religion. Good luck!

Medic - posted on 01/18/2010

I can see where your comming from as my husband and I do not attend church. I was raised very traditional Methodist and he was raised VERY Southern Baptist and both of us believe but don't feel the need to go to church to prove it. My parents are now part of a very liberal church that more covers alot of different religions and practices respect and embracing what is different and my son enjoys going so we let him. On the other hand my mother still goes to a Methodist church and takes our son sometimes. I really think he would go to any church in the world just to see what it is like and he is 3. I don't think that church is going to teach my son any morals or how to be a good person that he will not learn at home anyways.

Iysha - posted on 01/18/2010

I have the same issue with my aunt. I was raised going to catholic church and never really believed all of it. I was constantly getting kicked out of confirmation class for asking questions like, "If Adam and Eve were the first man and woman...and they had kids, did their children marry their brothers and sisters?" I was kind of a brat.



So, now my aunt says we HAVE to baptize our daughter, Kylie, because "all babies are born with original sin" and so on and so forth. I told my aunt that we don't have to baptize Kylie and if we change our minds later then we will get her baptized but, for now, we are going to wait on it.



I told my mom straight up that I didn't believe in baptism and that we will teach Kylie about different religions and she can choose for herself which one suits her....we aren't going to teach her the catholic way when we don't believe or fllow it. Maybe my Fiance and I will look into different teachings and try to incorporate the ones we agree with in her daily life when she gets older.



Just tell her the truth and if she doesn't like it, oh well...I told my mom she can take Kylie to church on Sundays if she wants to...It never did anything for me so who knows how it will have an effect on Kylie. If anything, church made me dislike religion even more. lol. Either way, my mom will be happy and Kylie will have something that her and grandma do together.

Angie - posted on 01/18/2010

I guess my question is, if you don't teach them something, how will they learn anything? My sil had this same attitude and didn't take her children to church. When her youngest moved to Korea to learn about Buddism, she was really upset and wondered why he would want to learn about a non-christian religion? Well, duh, he knew nothing about any faith and went looking to the first thing that sounded good. He didn't go that route but had a bizzare cult given him attention (no I'm not saying Buddism is like that) he would have turned to them. Please be careful or you might end up with a real mess on your hands. As a Catholic, I can understand why you mom would want this for your children. As a mother, I understand that you need to raise your children the way YOU see fit.

Sharon - posted on 01/18/2010

I don't have a solution for you other then to tell you that I'm kind of in the same boat. My problem is that I want to give my daughter the same type of religious childhood I had without affending my family or my husband, whose atheist and is strongly against raising our child in a specific religion. My solution to this problem is a temporary one but one that my husband agrees too. We will celebrate Christmas with my family as well as Channukah but no more. We will give our child the option to choose whatever religion she wants to choose when she is old enough. Until then we will show her and teach her a little of everything along the way.

Kathy - posted on 01/18/2010

HI Ashley, I have three grown daughters who are beautiful inside and out. One is a mama now, and such a good one, at that. I am a woman of faith, have a dear relationship with Creator God, and can understand both sides of what you have shared. My husband and I lived what we believed about life before our children, trying to model honesty, kindness, respect... We did not making them read the Bible, force them to attend service they were not comfortable in, etc.. for us, it's all about relationship, not rules and services, do's and dont's.

I hear you saying you want to raise your children well, to not put them through the traumas you have endured, to protect and nurture them. You want to give them the freedom you never had, and thus, avoid the religious traumas you went through. I would bet you still want & need your mom's support, care, and for her to think well of you, but the pressure on you to teach them the Catholic religion is really stressful for you.

I also hear that, as a grandma, your mom wants the very best for you and for your children, and she feels this is to be raised Catholic, as she was. I suspect that also as she grows older, she wants to feel reassured that she will spend eternity with you and with her grandkids, whom she dearly loves. While her heart is not to push you, she also might fear for you all, due to her religious beliefs, and that comes across strongly.

Can I suggest you say back to your mom what you are hearing? Sometimes a parent HEARING BACK what they are concerned about allows them to feel heard, and that helps reduce the anxiety level. Doesn't mean you agree, just that you're saying back what you are hearing.

Something like, "Mom, I hear that you're really concerned about our not raising the kids in the Catholic faith, because it means so much to you. I also wonder if you might feel afraid because you love the kids and want to know you will be with them in Heaven. We want them close to you, too, Mom. Your caring about us means a lot to us, Mom, because we really need your love and support!

"While ____(hubby) and I do not feel good about ___(sending the kids to school, making them attend services...)______ right now, we will always be open to you praying for us, because we can ALWAYS use prayers and we will always need your love. “ something like that.

This lets your mom know you have truly HEARD her fears and concerns, gives her something she CAN do that will help her and you (praying for you all), but also sets boundaries for what you and your husband feel is appropriate right now.

You might also reassure her you want to raise your kids in really positive ways, maybe even use the poem to reassure her how you want them to turn out: http://www.teacherweb.com/NC/WilliamsTow...

Hope this helps!

Kathy - posted on 01/18/2010

I understand not wanting to choose for your child. It is unfortunate your mother can't see it your way. May I suggest a compromise in a way... let your mom get your child baptized, but that is it? No school No lessons. Let her present your child, don't even go if you don't want.

Krista - posted on 01/18/2010

A lot of people have this weird idea that if you raise a kid without religion, that they won't learn any morals or values. I went through the same thing as you, and just kept reassuring my mother that I will be raising my children with the same morals and values with which she raised me, but that I believe that religious faith is an incredibly personal part of someone's life, so I don't feel comfortable choosing someone's faith for them. It took awhile, but she adjusted -- especially once she saw how much integrity and character my (atheist) husband has.



She may never accept your choice, but it IS your choice, so you need to stand firm. Let her know that she raised you right, and needs to trust you to raise your child just as well. It might smooth things over if you solicit her advice in other aspects of child-rearing -- a lot of grandmothers sometimes feel like their kids completely reject all of their advice, values and teachings, which can be very hurtful, as it makes them feel like they're being told that they did a crappy job. Seeking her advice, or at least acknowledging some of the good things she did while raising you, will probably go a long way towards ensuring that she won't feel like you're rejecting her entire value system.

Rabecca - posted on 01/18/2010

I for one would say I am very much in support of your choice religion has to be a one on one relationship with God was parents can guide and teach but our kids have to be the one to choose it for themselves I would say that I am a very faithful woman and believe with all my heart but I dont believe in batism of babies that is not them choicing God and most people I know exception of my cathloic friends have the same view on this.

In my experience most kids who were pushed or bullied in church rebell and have a lack of faith because it wasnt something they earned or choice for themself I myself went through a long peroid of doubt and plain faithlessness I felt abandond by God and that he showed me a life that I despertly wanted and it just all fell apart before my very eyes and I was pissed at God and the whole world for along time years in fact

but I came to a point where my life had really just got about as low as it goes and I came to the point of challenging God and wanting to know what the He## he was punishing me for and I was like okay you want control lets just see what you want from me because I just cant seem to get anything right and well he did come in and take over and it was just that submitting to him that he wanted from me and since my faith has been renewed 10 fold and he conitunes to bless my life in ways I never knew I needed . I am telling you this not because I expect you to have this new found faith but because I now what its like to lose faith and live without it and to not know that what I was missing all along and to come out of that a stronger believer which I really didnt think I would ever say again at one point in my life and I do hope that you can at least be open to the fact that he is always there waiting and even when we feel alone and forsaken sometimes it not him who has left but us he knocks at the door to our hearts and waits and at anytime you can open that door it doesnt have to be today but if ever you need to find him again all you have to do is ask I know once I did he came in and changed my life and I learned alot about myself and my faith that for most of my life it wasnt mine I didnt own it I believed because thats what I grew up with but it wasnt mine if that makes any sence so I guess what I am getting at is your kids have to deside for themself and anyone who truly believes and really understands what it means to live for him your mother should want that for them as well .

Carolee - posted on 01/18/2010

Well, I'm kind of going through something sort of like this with my grandmother. We talk on the phone, but once my son is mentioned, she asks if I'm taking him to church yet. When I tell her that I'm not, she says "fine then, it's your choice if you want to send your son to hell". I just ignore her because she lives in a different state and I don't see her often.



Because it's your mother, you need to have a deep heart-to-heart with her. One that goes so far as to probably have you both in tears. Let her know what happened to make you lose your faith. Tell her if you hated being forced into that religeon. Tell her flat-out that YOU are your child's mother and, like most mothers, you are trying to correct certain mistakes you felt she made! Be truthful... ABSOLUTELY truthful... but try not to be vindictive and hurt her on purpose. Let her know that, no matter what, you love her, but she's seriously got to back off. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, though.

Kristy - posted on 01/18/2010

My dad is catholic and my mom is baptist. I was not baptized until I was 17 years old. But I can understand your mom's stressing out because of the Catholic belief that you absolutely CANNOT go to heaven without being baptized. (Which I completely disagree with because a 3 month old does not understand the commitment being made by baptism *or Christianing* so how can it make a difference to whether or not they'll get into heaven!! ugH!! lol) But I love my parents for letting me choose that. I respect you not wanting to be "forced" into religion. I'm not one to push faith on anyone. My finace has... different... beliefs. But you can only sit your mom down and tell her exactly what you just told all of us. You do not want faith PUSHED on your child. You do not want to send your child to a Catholic school. And that YOU are the mother and it's YOUR choice. I'm having some issues with my mom about somethings too. They seem to have a problem letting go of the reins and letting you have control... even tho you're the one with the baby... not them! haha. Good luck.

SARAH - posted on 01/18/2010

I was also raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools for most of my elementary school years. My mom and I moved and from then I was in Public schools.



I agree with the other moms in that a serious talk with your mom/parents needs to happen. Just because your kids are not in Catholic schools or any other school, doesn't mean you can teach them about religion, God, faith, hope, etc.



We aren't raising our daughter in a religious fashion by any means but will still expose her to religion. You mom isn't your children's mom. You are. Your husband is the dad. You two are the ones to choose how you will raise your children. Your mom is NOT. (I'm having some -in law issues on certain things and its easier to draw the line in up front so its not a continued battle later on).



Take Care

Julia - posted on 01/18/2010

I guess I am pretty open when it comes to my mom. I also was raised catholic didn't go to catholic school but was forced to go to CCD and even basically forced to make my confirmation. I would seriously just tell my mom to back off. I also live 9 hours away from my family so its a little easier to tell her stuff like that. Nothing bad happened to me where I lost my faith, I still believe in God and if I feel the need to go to church I will find a catholic church to go to however I am not really and never have been a very religious person. Don't feel the need to be pressured into anything you don't want. If you want your kids to experience different religions then allow it and try your best to expose your children to all of them. Maybe try and explain to your mom how you feel about wanting your children to choose for themselves. Trust me I know how hard that is with a catholic mother. Good luck

Gillian - posted on 01/18/2010

I agree Sharon Cohen-Fonzo when she says about talking with you mom.

My parents are very religious and my husband and i share different beliefs. Our son was baptized because my mom begged me and talked it through and we compremised. We (my husband, myself and my parents) have also agreed to teach our son that there is one religon that is right or wrong. we are hoping to teach him a little of everything when he is old enough to understand so he respects others choices and he can make an informed decision about what he wants to believe.

Ashley - posted on 01/18/2010

thank you for that ...

Sapphire - posted on 01/18/2010

You need to have a heart to heart talk with your mother and let her know that YOU are the parent and YOU are going to make the decisions for YOUR children. Don't use a harsh or angry tone. Simply explain that the parenting decisions are made between you & your husband. Remind your mother that you are an adult and she needs to respect that adult decision. When it is time to seek outside advice on parenting-not religion- you will go to her as a mother. If your mother cannot respect the choices of an adult child, then as sad to say it, you may need to put some space in between you and your mom since she cannot respect your parenting choices.



My husband & I are not really raising our son with much of religion, however it is important to my dad. My dad has taught our son such religious traditions, and I don't mind. My MIL bought a religious book for my son-again, I don't mind the exposure. Like you, when my son is old enough to make a religious choice, we will support him. Best of luck to you!