ok to leave an 8wk old bf baby at home for a wedding?

Tiffany - posted on 08/21/2012 ( 503 moms have responded )

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My partner and i were invited to the wedding of what i considered a "good friend". the invitation didn't mention anything about children not being welcome. i had arranged for my parents to look after my 3 yo son for the event and was planning on bring my newborn with me as it is a half day event almost 2 hours away.
A couple of days ago my friend sent me a message making sure i had organised childcare for both of the kids... i replied saying that im not comfortable leaving the newborn as she is still feeding 2-3 hourly and would not be able to express enough milk for 10 -12 hours in my absence not to mention the need to pump several times throughout the day to avoid engorgement. So i left it up to her to decide if she still wanted me to come or not.
she basically said that she does not want my daughter at the ceremony but would consider allowing her at the reception.
i am feeling a little offended to be honest, i understand that this is her special day and she doesn't want crying children during the ceremony but i also don't believe you should be asking a new mother to leave her tiny baby for such a long time when the baby is 100% reliant on mum for food... why invite me in the first place???

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Michelle - posted on 08/21/2012

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I would just send her another message saying that though you would love to share her special day with her your own family comes first and you will be unable to attend as you need to be able to feed your daughter throughout the day.

Dove - posted on 08/21/2012

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I wouldn't go and I wouldn't feel bad about it. It's certainly her right to do her wedding how she wants, but I don't/won't leave a baby that age for more than 2 hours total under any circumstances (except life or death if I had no other option at all). It would offend me too, but I'd try to remember that it's HER day and if that's how she wants it.... so be it. :)

Jill - posted on 08/22/2012

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Having an adults only wedding is not a slight to you or your baby. There is nothing to be offended about.

You're invited because she wants you there. The baby is a side issue that doesn't always prevent attendance. Some mothers with 8 wk olds use formula, some use expressed milk in a bottle, and some are completely on-tap, like you are. The proper thing to do is decline the invitation if the situation is impossible to work around.

Now if that makes the bride pissy with you, that is her problem.

Francine - posted on 08/22/2012

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I find that what people don't get with this thread is the bride has specifically asked that no children be invited to her wedding or at least the ceremony. It's her day and I think she's allowed to ask for whatever she wants. Personally my wedding invitations specifcially stated no children allowed. Parents that say "if my kids are not invited then I'm not going", do not even deserve an invite. It is not your day, if you can't be away for a few hours from your kids then just stay home but don't judge the bride and say she's being unreasonable with her demands, after all it is her big day not yours. Just accept it as is or just don't go, it's as simple as that.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/22/2012

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Huh....then I would not go to the ceremony, and go to the reception only. I would be offended also, but people who don't have kids don't care and don't get it.

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Clinton - posted on 09/29/2012

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I would send a gift and stay at home with my baby. This "friend" will get it when she starts to have her own kids.

Anne - posted on 09/29/2012

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I was a nursing mother (for years) and a long-time La Leche League leader, so you can be sure that I am very sensitive to the needs of a mother and newborn child.



Last month I was a mother-of-the-bride, which gave me a new perspective on wedding related things. First of all, I would thank the bride for her generosity in letting you bring the baby to the reception, and I would absolutely respect her wishes about not having your little one at the ceremony. It's possible she's paying an arm and a leg for a videographer. She may be thinking that it's possible that her wedding video might include a crying baby which would be heard instead of the vows. I would be very unhappy about that, even if the bride were my best friend in the world. Several people have suggested that you bring someone along to hold the baby outside so you can attend the ceremony. Or your partner could do it, depending on who is the closer friend of the bride. Or you could do it. How long do most ceremonies take? My daughter's ceremony took about ten minutes, start to finish. And really, if you've seen one wedding, you've pretty much seen them all.



Bear in mind that the bride is stressed to the max. And this IS her day, after all, and not yours. With all the things she has on her mind, she doesn't need to worry about offending you. If you considered her a good friend, then you should act like a good friend to her. Work out the ceremony details for yourself, don't put the burden on her, and then you and your partner and your daughter attend the reception and have a good time. You're making a bigger deal out of this than it should be -- with an 8-week-old baby, it's possible that your hormones are still a bit off and you are a lot more sensitive about things than you normally would be. Please don't let this get in the way of a good friendship.

Rebekah - posted on 09/29/2012

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I would skip the ceremony and go to the reception. I would not be offended at all. I had 2 children when I got married and they attended the ceremony but as soon as dinner was ovet at the reception, my children and the children at in the bridal party were all taken home. I don't feel that a wedding reception is a place for children especially if alcohol is being served. However, your case is different cause your baby needs to eat and be tended and I doubt will remember anything they saw lol. Be happy she did allow for that much which should tell you that she does want to include you in her special day.

Meg - posted on 09/29/2012

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When my husband and I got married 22 years ago, I said choldren of family only. There were 4 kids in our immediate family. If I let our friends children come that would of been at least a dozen more. We said no for the following reasons, the space could only accomadate so many people. It was also at a historic house. Now that I have a child, I now that kids can be kids, but weddings only happen once with no do overs.

Tami - posted on 09/29/2012

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Wow-people never stop amazing me. Since when is HER WEDDING about you and your children. If you choose not to leave your baby then just stay home. Why are you making it her issue? She has every right to choose not to have children at her wedding. Most people do not know that they need to leave when children are noisy-they don't even notice most times, because they are used to the bad behaivor. Don't even post this junk. Use your head!

Bonnie - posted on 09/29/2012

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You do not need to go and leave your baby at home. Especially since your baby is so tiny and breastfeeding.

This is her wedding and she is entitled to set the tone in any way she wants, but you also have the right to decline because of your circumstances.

Tell her you feel sad because you do not feel comfortable leaving your breastfeeding baby at home but you will be there in spirit and can't wait to see the pictures.

She will understand one day when she has a baby of her own but life is different for you now and your children come first.

Hope this helps.

Michelle - posted on 09/29/2012

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I would 100% decline ANY wedding that either of my children weren't welcome at. If they want all adults don't invite people with kids, that's just selfish and rude.

Lacey - posted on 09/28/2012

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If my newborn breastfed baby cudnt b an exception 2 my gud friends wedding then that wudnt b a gud friend and I wudnt go if my baby wasn't welcome.

Sherry - posted on 09/27/2012

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Sounds like you have a Bridzilla on your hands, and her True Self is showing its ugly face. A TRUE Friend does not disrespect her friends. Yes, it is her day and all eyes should be on her but that does not excuse the complete lack of feelings of others. TRUE FRIENDS do not put altimatiums on their friends except in dire and dangerous situations.

Shawndrea - posted on 09/27/2012

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I think you are right to be offended. Her special day will be less special without you there. Its not like you couldn't step out if the baby started crying.

User - posted on 09/26/2012

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JEN - I know exactly what u mean, people are supposing to b advising the OP not be commenting on what other ppl have said, i simply replied to the comment and someone had a go about the comment i put sorry but am not jus goin to let them do that when i am entitled to my opinion, if they didnt like it jus write ya own comment and dnt read mine

Kate - posted on 09/25/2012

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I think she's being pretty inconsiderate and unsupportive. Yes, it's her big day and I understand not wanting older children running around perhaps but newborns, especially breastfed ones, still need to be with their mother. I didn't have any kids at my wedding but a very good friend had just had a baby and I wanted her there and it was actually beautiful - the little bub (who is now 6!) was passed around to so many people (including me, white dress or not I wanted a cuddle too) that it was a very easy night for her. I also made sure I seated her at a table close to a door and showed her where there was a quiet area she could go and sit if she wanted to feed him there.

At another friend's wedding there were about three of us that had newborns and my friend was insistant that we all come and not worry about prams everywhere and crying.

One day perhaps she'll have children of her own and understand but in the meantime it sounds like you've explained yourself politely and clearly and she's refusing to budge so I would be putting my child before a selfish adult. Any real friend would not ask you to make such a decision. Good luck.

Jen - posted on 09/25/2012

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Close-mindedness? Really? How about self-centeredness? How many people here are making a wedding, which is a celebration of the union between two adults, into an argument about the closeness between a mother and her baby? Or about how much they personally like children? Or about what they did at their weddings (and thus everyone else must do also)? Sorry, but it's not all about you. No one is telling the OP or anyone else that they should leave their children if they don't want to. However, when you make choices for your family, those choices have consequences. If you choose to never leave your bf baby, that means there will be places you can't go, things you can't do, and times that you can't be out. That is for YOU to work around. It is not the bride's job to consider every potential guest's choices and circumstances and plan a wedding that will work for that person. It is her job to plan a wedding that she will enjoy, and invite the people who she and her fiance would like to share their day, knowing that inevitably some of the people won't be able to come. The OP chose (about 20 pages ago - lol) to stay home with her baby. That's fine, and there's no reason it should cause tension between her and her friend. Another mom might have chosen differently, and that would be fine too.

Candy - posted on 09/25/2012

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I wouldn't go!! I know how u feel because my son who is now 5 mths still clings to me. He is breastfed also. You would prob have to pump on the road and prob the reception to keep up supply...smh no thanks!

Tracy - posted on 09/25/2012

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I would not attend. You wouldn't have a good time anyway. I don't think it's right that anyone ask you to get a sitter for such a tiny baby. She must not have children yet? I think you would feel much better being home than at a wedding where a friend has asked you to leave all kids at home. At my wedding kids were invited, I had no problems with that at all. Kids make things so much more fun!

Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 09/25/2012

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I had that same issue at my own wedding --but was fine by me to have her infant with her--lol--it was the 2 and 3 yr olds i didnt want at the wedding--they are the ones that cant sit for long and are the most disruptive--btw-the baby was an angel all night and didnt hear a peep from her--she was even up dancing with most of the guests--i think she had as much fun as anybody else

Dena - posted on 09/25/2012

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I took my infant son with me in a sling and he slept the entire time. I had to change one diaper and I had to nurse him so I found a very quiet spot away from everyone to do that privately and he didn't make a peep. You know your child's schedule and habits, if you think you could attend without interruptions, go for it. Also, if your child gets fussy you can always sneak out. Sit in the back.



Call your friend and talk to them about it. If they have a problem with it, they will probably tell you.

They invited you to include you even if you can't go and they probably knew it, they sent you the invite to include you on their day.

User - posted on 09/25/2012

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Laquetta, - didnt realise there was no alcoho, but like u said there was alot of ppl and a pool and ur husband had stated no children and u had obviously found the a babysitter, plus they must no what ur house (with the pool) i mean, they shud have realised that it was an adult party and they shud not have trashed ur daughters room that is terrible if my son done that in someone elses house i would make my son tidy it lol, further more if i did take him to anythin he would b on his best behaviour

Jessica - posted on 09/25/2012

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I wouldn't be offended, but I would politely bow out and send her a gift.

Wendy - posted on 09/25/2012

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I'm always amazed at the close mindedness of people who seem incapable of understanding how important it is for mommy and baby to be together. I would not want you to miss out on my wedding for those reasons if we were friends. That said, you might look into finding someone (if you have friends where the wedding will be held) that could hold your baby for you outside of the ceremony. Then your friend will be happy and you will have your baby right there. I am the mother of four (all breast fed) children and I have been in your shoes. Sorry you have to be there.

User - posted on 09/25/2012

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MUST say my friends baby did not cry throughtout my ceremony he was good as gold,

User - posted on 09/25/2012

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SHANNON: I go to family weddings, yes lots of ppl do get drunk but the ppl who take there children it is a family day and they do not get drunk some dont drink at all not for religious reasons as they dont need to get drunk to have a good time, i have never been to a mosh pit party or wedding nor would i takin my child or not. I wanted my family there including the children as it is something good for them to rememebr when they r older most of them stayed over night in the hotel, yes there were drunk ppl there but children have to see that at some stage in there life but there parents where not drunk as they either did not drink or drink in moderation. My son is not goin to be attending my nephews 21st his nan will be minding him as he has not been invited nor do i expect him to be invited, plus it will b good for me and husband to have a night out 2gether

Gina - posted on 09/25/2012

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I am a mom to a 7 month old and had a similiar situation however I think it's very generous of your friend to allow your newborn at the reception. She's right, the newborn doesn't belong at the ceremony. If it was your special day, or a special day for one of your children as they get older, you would not appreciate a newborn crying throughout it. You should respect your friend and be a friend to her in return.

Melinda - posted on 09/25/2012

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Ugh, I had 5 weddings this summer & I just had a baby in march. It's tough.

Your friends is just not thinking clearly because she doesn't have kids. Go to the church, with the baby & stay in the back. Or honestly just go to the reception. You can leave a few hours later & then you'll feel better.

Nicole - posted on 09/24/2012

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I dont understand why kids aren't invited to weddings anymore... I loved going to weddings when I was a kid!! They need to learn somehow what love and marriage is all about! But yeah I think you did the right thing by staying home and letting her know nicely!

Kimberly - posted on 09/24/2012

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I was planning my wedding a couple months ago and did not want children there except children who were in the ceremony. But they were welcomed at the reception. So I told parents that there would be a sitter available at the church for a small fee they could leave their children there. But I have myself avoided birthday parties and weddings BC my children were not allowed! I didn't lose any friendships yet!

User - posted on 09/24/2012

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I am going to assume she has had no children of her own as of yet..otherwise she would not make this request of you, in terms of a newborn child. Most people that I have ever seen at weddings, have the respect to take their baby outside should the child cry, that is an option you can suggest to her clearly, that if it should happen you will do your best not to disturb the wedding. Unfortunately, there are some parents out there who for some reason or another, are disrespectful and do not go outside when the baby/child is fussing...this is very rude, but should not have to encompass all parents as a whole, she should have been able to ask nicely if your baby cries would you mind stepping outside, that is not unreasonable to ask, but asking you not to bring her along is very unreasonable. I think you have made the right decision not to attend, if she is not willing to understand.

Jennifer - posted on 09/24/2012

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I wouldn't bother goin to any of wedding she must know the situation ur in with u only having a baby + if shes a good friend she knows ur breastfeefing just leave her to it who needs friends like her anyway

[deleted account]

Leann the OP said the bride did comprise and said the baby could come to the reception. Most of the responses are calling the bride selfish, inconsiderate, and a bitch to me that's really immature. There are a lot if factors that go into planning a wedding did the bride know the OP was breastfeeding? We don't know frankly so to me they are in the wrong just because you had a kid does not mean that someone planning an event has to take that into consideration.

Leann - posted on 09/24/2012

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i am so sad to read some of these post i understand that she didn't want children it was her day, but she should understand. people on here posting that most working women would have returned to work by then, these women would have also been preparing for this in advance. i see women on here posting about it is her big day well that doesnt mean that the world starts and stops with the bride, she said that she had wrote the bride and she had yet to reply, i pray some of these women on here never have children comparing a friendship to your child seriously where do these even come close being a mother the decision should be easy.... there will be a time when things like this wont be an isssue till then enjoy your children

LaQuetta - posted on 09/24/2012

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I've read all 24 pages of posts and am simply flabbergasted. First let me just say I think the bride and Theresa will be ok and that their friendship will be fine. But as for the bride thinking differently after she has kids...I don't get it. What does having or not having kids have to do with it. What I've read here is a lot of moms saying "accept me/accept my kids". My theory is "just because I love my kids doesn't mean everybody loves my kids" thus meaning they may not want to be around kids. Some people enjoy their own but don't want to be around other peoples. Just because some of us have chosen to have kids, entitlement to force our kids on other people doesn't come along with the passage of parenthood.I only had one daughter but after her divorce when she moved home with 2 daughters I was full time caregiver while she worked. If I was ever in doubt I asked if it was a kid friendly function and was NEVER offended if they responded with "preferrably not". I've heard a lot of mom's in this forum that I wouldn't want to know and have their kids forced upon me.

Elizabeth - posted on 09/24/2012

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My husband and I have had to deal with this on a few occasions. The first time was my sister in law's wedding. The invitation was addressed strictly to us, but we were confused seeing how our son was 3 and my other sister in law was 6. I didn't imagine she'd exclude children which would have excluded her half sister. So we called. Turned out kids were welcome. Second time was my mom's wedding. MY kids were excluded but not the others. I honestly had no idea until I found out my sister's daughter was going and so were the groom's grandchildren. I called and asked why my kids were excluded. Because they are special needs and she didn't want me stressed on her big day. Um the only stress I was experiencing was the fact that the grandmother of my children didn't want them at her wedding. She then offered to have them photoshopped into the family photos. Whatever. We said no thank you and informed her we would not be attending. She then announced no children were invited. I swear....you see the worst in people when the attention is 100% on them.

Chellore - posted on 09/24/2012

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Unfortunately, this probably cause a rift in the friendship. If I considered someone a good friend, I would have made arrangements for both children. I'm not judging you by any means. You sound like a fantastic mom, but why be upset with her? The only reason I had children at my wedding is because I had a 1 year old. If I spent all that money on a ceremony for myself and my husband, I wouldn't want infants there either :(

Christina - posted on 09/24/2012

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If it does damage your friendship, she was not a true friend to begin with.... She should have some understanding how hard it would be to leave your infant, for many hours, while you are bf.... If she doesn't, it is her loss and she will be back with an apology when she has her own children... Don't fret and I hope it all works out.

LaQuetta - posted on 09/24/2012

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The 30th was at my home w/no alchol but yes there was an inground pool with the little ones roaming around when they weren't in my house strewing my daughters room from end to end. (Remember - my daughter went to grandma's so she wasn't there)

Jamie - posted on 09/24/2012

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Wow..some of u are harsh towards this lady....geesh. I might not want kids who scream and act foolish like most of their parents..but..I wouldn't ever ask a mom of baby under 6 months to NIT bring it...maybe to wedding..but reception is fine...

Jamie - posted on 09/24/2012

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Shannon..yes we get the fact people don't want kids at wedddings..yes there are drunks and rude out of hand people..ALSO ..kids act better than most adults..just sayin.

Jamie - posted on 09/24/2012

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I would be offended too..and I would never ask someone to leave their baby who is still feeding.Especially when u have to drive 2 hours and it is along day..she seems to be lacking love and compassion..Maybe you shouldn't go..then again..you will feel bad if u don't....hope it works out...

[deleted account]

Louise I don't know what kind of weddings you go to and maybe it's just where I'm from but people get drunk at weddings too. Igrew up in a small German Catholic town and the last wedding I went to last month there was a mosh pit I wouldn't want a kid there. At my own wedding my brother in law was trashed. Kids were invited to both but to me they had no place being there.



Weddings are about a couple coming together and their wishes about their day sorry but people just have to face the fact that their kids won't be invited to everything and they well have to choose to go or not. There is nothing wrong with what the bride did and I think the OP made the right decision for her.

User - posted on 09/24/2012

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Sorry dont agree, Weddings are about families, friends and the future why shouldnt children be involved in such a special day i had lots of children at my wedding the ppl that didnt bring children it was there choice, i think i a wedding in a hotel, is slightly different to a 30th in a club, bar or by a pool where alcohol fuelled ppl r goin to be

Rebecca - posted on 09/24/2012

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In my opinion, there is a big difference between toddlers at weddings and a breastfeeding infant! I fully understand why some make the decision to not have children at weddings, mainly to avoid any tantrums or disturbance to the day. That being said, a young breastfeeding baby is generally pretty content to be with mom or dad as long as the boob is always ready to keep her happy when needed! My son was 9 weeks old when my own sister got married, and it was requested of me that I leave him with my mother-in law! Needless to say, sore boobs and first time away from my baby left me in a bad mood so i didnt really enjoy my sisters wedding as much as I could have if she had allowed me to keep him with me. If he would have been a toddler or even just a slightly older baby I would have been much more understanding of her request to keep the babe at home. I would suggest explaining the need to feed baby as often as every 2 hrs, and also let them know that at this young age, baby is likely to sleep most of the day away anyways so any crying would be limited. If your friend would like you to be there and enjoy the day, I would hope she would understand the necessity of having your young baby with you. Your family is more important, hopefully she will understand!

LaQuetta - posted on 09/24/2012

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There are some great responses here and I think Theresa ended up handling it very well.

Have to admit I'm really puzzled as to why so many of you are offended that kids were not welcome. Some responses pointed out that after all 'it is the brides day'. My opinion is that it's an invitation only function put on and being paid for by someone else that for whatever the reason they have chosen not to have children present. Why is it that just because you (as a parent) are invited that you think your children should be welcome to come also. Regardless of the situation...if it's an invitation only function and the kids aren't on the invitation that means they are not welcome to tag along. I don't understand the resentment here by a lot of people. Let me elaborate. For my 30th birthday, hubby sent out invites for a surprise party. They read "Grab a sitter and come celebrate. It's xxx 30th birthday. Pool Party & BBQ." (It stated again at the bottom, No kids, please!) It's a birthday I'll never forget. Two couples brought their kids. When they weren't in the pool one, w/her little water wings, they were in trashing my daughters room. (My daughter went to grandma's house!) People don't need a reason to just invite "YOU" nor should they have to explain why your kids are NOT invited. Theresa, sorry for hijacking your thread. This wasn't directed at you and I wish you the very best.

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