only child -lonliness

Mary - posted on 11/14/2012

Eventhough, neither I nor my daughter are only children, I can relate. I had a difficult time making friends when I was a child and so does my daughter...and son for that matter. My children are like I was--and maybe like your daughter. They're not only more sensitive to other's words, but tend to more empathetic than most kids their ages. They also tend to catch on to abstract concepts and ideas more than most children and also emotions & attitudes. And the "he/she's my friend now & you're not...I'm/playing with this friend today, not you" that is part of normal child social development leaves my kids feeling very rejected as well. At first I tried to sign my children up for traditional organized sports, church groups & boys/girls clubs. This did not work well for us. They became increasingly expensive, time consuming and to be frank...Too many of the adults involved became unreasonably demanding, and tended to make the experience about their own self esteem, achievements & reputations--even prejudices, instead of being about the children's development. (My children did "pick up" on the attitudes of the adults) I don't mean to "bad mouth" sports or church activities in general, it's just the "social politics" of some of these groups/organizations, in the community I lived in-at that time, were extreme.



Shortly after moving to a new town & school district, we discovered the new school district had many afterschool clubs & activities that did not involve regular fees, uniform purchases, multiple competitions everyweekend, or compulsory food purchases. My kids have also made friends attending an afterschool care program located at their school campus. These clubs tend to formed around different social & academic interests. I have one child in Student Council, a "kindness" club (about doing community service), a club for runners, a percussion ensemble and both my kids are attending afterschool assistance with science fair projects and UIL academic competitions (where they have made more friends). I did not push for or promote joining any of these activities. My children came to me with the entry forms and asked to join them. My very intraverted son, who normally avoids playing with other kids, is now seeking out other children to play with and has a couple of friends. My daughter now has a group of about 5 girls she calls her "BFF's".



The previous school my kids attended had no afterschool activities for my children's ages at the time, and like your daughter, my kids were having trouble making friends with the other children in our neighborhood. I took them to the city parks, frequently. They had an easier time playing with other children there. I also researched the city website and chamber of commerce for different community events they could attend. I signed my kids up for the children's wood-working activities they had 1 or 2 saturdays a month at the local Lowe's and Home Depot. For my kids & I, we had an easier time when we got involved activities that were a little less traditional and more intune with their specific interests.

Martha - posted on 11/14/2012

This really hits me where I live - I'm a weird combo of introverted and gregarious, and so is my 10 year old daughter. I would encourage you to try Girl Scouts again. I work for GS, so it might sound a little smarmy, but I'm still friends with women who I met over 40 years ago. You might get asked to volunteer to make a troop happen, but you'll really enjoy if you find the right match. Kids can be so rotten - I was an outsider as a child and I still can't believe some of the stuff my daughter goes through. I also have a son who's 16 and I have to say he didn't come into his own until high school. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom who cares!

Allicia - posted on 11/14/2012

Volunteer at her school if you can. Kids take a sense of pride when there parent helps out. Might be a good ice breaker too for her.you might also friend a parent who volunteers and the kids became friends too. Just keep reminding her that u are raising a child to be a respectful young lady. That girl across the street is the making of a bully and you are better than that.I agree also churches do alot of functions for kids. Bullies only want to make others sad they don't like it if they can't make you sad. Don't let them see ur daughter upset. Take her to the library. See what kind of programs her school has.good luck to you both

Barbara - posted on 11/13/2012

Several more moms shared some tips for you here: https://www.facebook.com/circleofmoms/posts/125859877571182 Good luck!

Jaime - posted on 11/13/2012

Get involved in your community...youth group, sports, clubs, volunteering, anything. That is how we always meet people. My son and myself. Having that one common denominator can be huge! My son has been the new kid 3 times in 5 years as we have had to move for my husbands job. It's been tough, but my son has become more self confident as we both put ourselves out there :). Others can see and feel his confidence. Things aren't always perfect, but things are so much better as we have tackled our situation with as much positive energy as possible. Every situation is different, but my advice...get actively involved and stay positive.

Linda - posted on 11/13/2012

I believe your daughter is focusing on being included, and this daily rejection may affect her relationships throughout her adult life. It is extremely important to talk to her, express she should show her feelings more, and make it clear that she should not pay any mind to people who reject her as they are not her real friends. Soon, she will have friends of her own, and will be so preoccupied having fun that she won't be as affected by them. In the meantime, I would avoid crossing paths with the other two. She should not know you are avoiding others as this will teach her to run from her problems, but you can do this so she doesn't have to go through this rejection on a daily basis. Also, how about doing fun stuff..throwing a party or getting a new puppy. Those two girls will forget the teasing and will be begging to come over. Then, she can have her time to shine and can choose if she doesn't want them around. Focusing on her own school girls, church, and maybe having mommy make a few friends for play dates will definitely help. Comedy/fun of some sort to liven her mood....movies, age appropiate tv shows, time with cousins since only child...will all help. Time to show her there are plenty of people out the ready to include her! :)

Becky - posted on 11/13/2012

I watch my daughter struggle with lonliness also due to being an only child in an adult only environment (family), and I also wonder how to get my daughter more socialized. My husband and I are on opposite schedules for work, he works nights and I work days, and there isn't a whole lot of extra time or money to enroll our daughter in some kind of group or activities. I breaks by heart seeing her react to the lonliness sometimes. I watch her interact at school (or actually, NOT interact) and I wish I could express to the other children how fun and creative she is. She has a fantastic sense of humor and is so loving and thoughtful of others.

I'm hoping as she gets older, making friends will begin to come easier to her. I wish you luck with your daughter also. It's heartwrenching watching them struggle with this.

Jeanine - posted on 11/13/2012

That is terrible...how mean of them! I, myself, was in a similar situation when i was her age...when i was a kid, there were only 2 other little girls on my block, both born only a day apart, a little older than me, and i was the odd one out...Even though my 4 yr old daughter has a younger sibling, I find myself in the same kind of situation....the children in my neighborhood now are mostly older teenagers....we have to constantly be out there to try to meet people...I push myself, for her....there maybe some moms groups on FB in your area....they meet in parks, etc...I have recently joined a few myself...good luck to you

Barbara - posted on 11/13/2012

I was an only child and spent much of my childhood worrying what others thought of me, it was not a healthy thing to carry into an adult life! I have taught my children to stop looking at the children that are not including them but to turn around and look for children than look like they are lonely or uncomfortable. By actively trying to help other children feel included they end up being a good friend and making a good friend. Any place that has free activities, church, the library, school is a good place to start. It's hard for mom's to watch their children hurt so sending love to both of you!

Katie - posted on 11/13/2012

I've had the same problem with my son ... Try Church! A church with a weekly Sunday school program. Free and hopefully filled with nicer girls ;-) Good Luck