Oral sex is not sex

Dorothy - posted on 01/17/2010 ( 204 moms have responded )

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My 23 yr old daughter and I were conversing about how teens and young adult believe that oral sex is not sex. She believes that intercourse is the only type of sex because is only used when there is love/caring. I had overheard other teens make this statement too. I was wondering how many parents have heard of this opinion by teens and young adults?

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Merike - posted on 01/22/2010

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Loureen, Dear,
thank you so much for the prompt response.

I guess I stirred up something here, as MY comment goes pretty much against the grain:
everybody seems comfortable about this line, except for myself...

you know, my daughter is 19, and we did discuss many things with her, including relationships between two genders, but it somehow did NOT get to the point of discussing the very very privacy of life between two people who LOVE each other and commit to being together. Now, while speaking of intimate relationships, It still seems here a little too much of an emphasis to the surface issue: is it CALLED such or not such... why does it matter?
what matters is WHEN a boy or a girl gets interested in such, and WHY??? THIS is what matters! When they are 'adult' enough to get into close relationship BASED ON DEEP LOVE, CARING, COMMITMENT, then what does it matter which is called how?! Yet if such question arises in connection to relationshipS based on "experimenting", then this is where it makes me very sad.

I definitely had conversations with my kids. My son was about 16 when I saw him looking up online photos of naked women. If I requested him to QUIT doing it, the only result I'd have would be him lying to me that he is not interested anymore because mom said so, and he would keep doing it in secret, practically lying to me. It would be nonsense.
So, what would you MOMs do in a situation like this?!
My son saw that I noticed what was going on on the screen, and he blushed, and certainly clicked out of there... I did not say a word at that moment, but in the evening when I came to hug my kids goodnight, I sat on his bed and we had a quiet intimate conversation about what is SEX and what is LOVE and what is the difference between the two, and what is the difference between SEX of TWO LOVING people and SEX between the two who are experimenting, or doing it for money, or doing it like a sport...
You know,
I have 3 kids, they are all adults now, and my sons are happily married, they did NOT experiment with sex: both of them married the girl that they have met and decided to be with for a lifetime. The same is the situation with my daughter. I do not think they ever doubted that any communication of people where sexual organs are 'involved' is called 'sex', and they took it in their life with full responsibility. This is why I became aware and cautious about this question asked here and responded to without connection to why it matters...
what does it matter, again, why does it matter, in which cases does it matter, and why is the discussion here raised?!
... but i better go find the heaviest dictionary and look it up...

I believe we are missing a huge part of important education for all our kids: the part where human MORALS, VIRTUES, and VALUES are taught, no matter the religion, culture, traditions, and gender...

I am a teacher of English language and literature, middle and high school, and right now I work in the private boarding school for troubled teens (you have not a clue what problems these kids have been through) but as before in public schools, and now here, I use every possibility of implementing the above named missing subjects into our discussions. I have to mention that my students LOVE our classes, I have no disciplinary problems, and they follow me asking for MORE assignments. We do it 'fun way', but we learn the importances that lead to life where the question of oral sex being sex or not, does not make sense as it is self-explanatory by its very own definition. Moms, is it not?!

P.S. Here is the example of one of our exercises: After reading John Milton's Paradise Lost, we write an essay on FREE WILL: "Free Will as John Milton presents it in his literary work, and Free Will how I understand it in my life!"
THIS is an important discussion!
And as a matter of fact, the relationships between Adam and Eve, yes, naked, in Eden, are in the focus of this discussion, too... but is THIS about SEX?????
Why don't we switch gears to IMPORTANCES in our kids'es and our own life,
and leave sex for a private bedroom between loving people who know the value of being together, remember the responsibility, and act but out of Love?
yet then again, probably some people still need to be explained where SEX belongs, what it IS, and WHO to have sex with...

SAD WORLD!
or, I do not catch the vibe, getting too old?!

Anyways, thanx to all of you who stirred me up, and I hope nobody feels offended that now I stir up you.

Loureen, and thank YOU! I am ready to discuss what appeals to me as well as what does not: I do not ever lose control of my emotions: too much practice of working with teenagers, I guess,- they teach patience and compassion - and I really hope for the happy future for all of our kids! hence, my deep concern of the shift of attention amongst them...

Natalya - posted on 01/20/2010

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An experiment that myself and some of my single (at the time) friends did was, when we met a guy we either got to know him before even allowing a kiss, or we kissed before we got to know them. What we discovered while experimenting was that even kissing opens an emotional floodgate that is not there without 'the kiss'.
Being that a kiss could initiate unintentional emotion from within yourself, it can only serve to prove that 'oral sex' has got to be considered a 'sexual connection'.
I'm not sure how this effects a man, but for a woman I definitely believe that ANY sexual act creates some sort of bond (to different degrees for different people/acts). So yeah, I believe that oral sex = sex

Kristina - posted on 01/20/2010

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My daughter and I had this same conversation! I told her that anytime your unclothed and have personal parts exposed participating in some type of act...it is sex! Period! There are too many dangers of disease transmition not to mention the factor of not being mentally ready for the remifications that come along with that type of relationships!

C. - posted on 01/19/2010

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Kelly, first of all you sound young since you called your vagina a hoo-haw. Sounds a bit immature (sorry but it's kind of true). You did have actual sex just by giving a guy oral sex, you just didn't have intercourse.

C. - posted on 01/18/2010

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OMG PEOPLE!!! I am 21 and I know that oral sex is still sex! Some of you really need to look up the definition of sex!!! Here, I'll make it easy for you:



http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionar... says



"Main Entry: 1sex

Pronunciation: \ˈseks\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Latin sexus

Date: 14th century

1 : either of the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are distinguished respectively as female or male especially on the basis of their reproductive organs and structures

2 : the sum of the structural, functional, and behavioral characteristics of organisms that are involved in reproduction marked by the union of gametes and that distinguish males and females

3 a : sexually motivated phenomena or behavior b : sexual intercourse

4 : genitalia"



Section 3a CLEARLY describes sex as sexually motivated phenomena or behavior!! Is oral sex NOT a form of sexually motivated behavior???? Does it NOT lead to sexual arousal??? (If it didn't, guys wouldn't be getting an erection just thinking about it!) Does it NOT lead to orgasms most of the time for those that don't want to go "all the way"???? WAKE UP! If you teach your kids it's NOT sex, then they are going to have a rude awakening should they ever contract an STD from it! Some of you really need to grow up a bit!

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Charlie - posted on 01/23/2010

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Thank you all for your contribution to this thread .



We look forward to seeing more of your posts in the future .



Loureen.

Moderator .

Patricia - posted on 01/23/2010

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I would not want my husband/boyfriend kissing someone else either but kissing is not having sex!!

Julie - posted on 01/23/2010

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Of course it's sex! Why do it if it wasn't sexually arousing and ultimately satisfying bringing you to an orgasm?

These boys get to an orgasm from masterbating, no danger of disease, or pregnancy, just release of built-up sexual pressure. But it's not enough. They are constantly looking at girls, TV, movies, soft porn & hard porn.

It's more exciting to get oral sex from a girl -- the object of their fantasies. They are still brought to orgasm unless she stops to soon and what guy wants that? That leads to more frustration and pressure.

It is sex, you are using someone eles's body/ body parts for your sexual satisfaction. No you won't get her pregnant, but you can/will get any/all of the STD's floating around as you partake in this oral sex!

Guys are notoriously selfish and just looking to get their pleasure taken care of. Of course they want girls to think "it's not really sex" so they'll do it to them!

This whole "friends with benefits" thing is all about oral sex. They're friends, they're alone and one or both of them are horny! So they say let's just play around and do this, it's not sex and you can't get pregnant.

It is most certainly SEX!

Like one lady on here said, "if you're taking off your clothes and touching, pleasuring your private parts with another person, then it is sex!"

Shirley - posted on 01/23/2010

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It's shocking how many teens believe this and I have heard that for a lot of teens giving oral sex is as accepted and common place as going out for a can of pop! Its awful.

Marissa - posted on 01/23/2010

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Yep, it seems to be the general opinion nowadays amongst young teens.

I find it amazing and horrible, absolutely idiotic and don't agree with it in any way shape or form.

Oral SEX is SEX. Plain and simple.

[deleted account]

It's so funny you mention this, because I remember my sister and I discussing this very topic with MY mother when I was a young adult during the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal (I'm 36 now so I think I was in my early 20's then). My opinion then was that oral sex is not sex. My mother found that baffling. For me personally, I think a lot of that believe comes from what we were taught in Catholic school -- that oral sex is not sex because it is an abomination because the "goal" isn't to make a baby (i,e., you can't make a baby with oral sex and sex is only for the purposes of creating babies). Totally weird, I know, but I remember my health teacher saying that. Of course, I don't think the goal of his statement was to give kids a "loophole" to get around the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, but that was how the kids treated it. You could give and receive oral sex and still claim you were a virgin. LOL. I still don't consider oral sex to be sex, even though I know that probably isn't very rationale. But that's just the way I think about it.

[deleted account]

It's so funny you mention this, because I remember my sister and I discussing this very topic with MY mother when I was a young adult during the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal (I'm 36 now so I think I was in my early 20's then). My opinion then was that oral sex is not sex. My mother found that baffling. For me personally, I think a lot of that believe comes from what we were taught in Catholic school -- that oral sex is not sex because it is an abomination because the "goal" isn't to make a baby (i,e., you can't make a baby with oral sex and sex is only for the purposes of creating babies). Totally weird, I know, but I remember my health teacher saying that. Of course, I don't think the goal of his statement was to give kids a "loophole" to get around the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, but that was how the kids treated it. You could give and receive oral sex and still claim you were a virgin. LOL. I still don't consider oral sex to be sex, even though I know that probably isn't very rationale. But that's just the way I think about it.

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2010

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I agree with Rebecca...oral SEX should say it all.



Teenagers have began to believe, thanks to a well known politician (I did not have sexual relations with that woman) that oral sex is not truly sex.



Sex should be considered anything behavior in which bodily fluids are passed and it is our job to make sure that it is understood. Oral Sex is just as dangerous as penetrative sex if not more so because few actually use a condom for oral sex. Teens are opening themselves up for STD's and multiple other problems.

Bernadette - posted on 01/23/2010

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Like many of the mothers have said ~ORAL SEX~, it says sex. Whether it's considered a sexual act or foreplay it still falls under the catagory. If something you're doing is causing a climax, I consider it sex, because isn't that the whole point. Mine and my husbands opinion about oral, is that, you must really like/love that person to do that because that seems to be more intimate (at least for us) but I guess alot of people don't feel that way.

Anne Kathleen - posted on 01/23/2010

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LOL. Just ask any man... oral sex IS indeed sex. And sometimes, it's even better than intercourse! ;)

VERONICA - posted on 01/22/2010

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I agree very much w/ you...I cant just give myself away to just anyone in any way o r form

Charlie - posted on 01/22/2010

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Merike ,

This site is indeed created FOR mums , that is what we have in common but we are all able to discuss topics from all areas of our lives not only as mothers but as women from our beloved children ( to which this thread is about the thoughts of teen children ) to relationships , friendships , careers , illnesses , support , music , politics ect ect ect .



Please enjoy our site , if a particular thread is not of your liking then you have no obligation to respond if you think it goes against our guidelines found at the top of the page then by all means flag for review , we do ask all new members read this as well as the pinned threads at the top of the community page .



Look forward to reading your contributions .

Loureen .

Moderation .

Merike - posted on 01/22/2010

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MOMS!!! What are we talking about here!?!?!?! is there anybody who could explain me how it relates to raising a happy child?! or, making one Mom happier: whether it IS this or not, whether we name this thus or otherwise...

I thought i was invited to the site that converses about Moms, children, families, and anything related to raising kids healthy, happy, caring, loving, lifelong learners, successful, and happy, again...

what is it that I am missin' here?!?!

Of the whole discussion, I accept as relevant only such as Kathy here speaking reason, or moms speaking of this issue AS RELATED to kids.

Other statements that are ONLY responding to the question seem off the SITE...



and actually, if we even need to raise such questions AS RELATED to raising kids,

isn't it sad, instead of "LOL" and "LMFAO" as Janel thinks...



it makes me very sad...



where is the innocence of childhood nowadays,

is it all gone and does not exist anymore ???

Kathy - posted on 01/22/2010

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Unfortunately, yes. Mine also did not know you can get an std from oral. We had a BIG talk.

Latesha - posted on 01/22/2010

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Oral sex is sex. Young people may not want to say that it is, but it definitely is. Intercourse is sex, but sex is not necessarily intercourse. Intercourse is a for sex, just like oral sex or anal sex for that matter.

Kathy - posted on 01/22/2010

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I totally agree with Allison; if I caught my boyfriend giving or receiving oral sex with another person, it would definitely be over! If it's sexually gratifying, it's sex.

Kathleen - posted on 01/22/2010

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Ask any Lesbian if oral sex is sex and I think you might get a YES! It is just a cop out to say anything else.

Thea - posted on 01/22/2010

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I'm 27 and I consider oral sex as sex... after all, there is a type of penetration involved and when used in place of intercourse orgasm is still achievable through oral stimulation. Any sexual act, regardless of if it is 'real' sex can be very emotionally damaging when used in the inappropriate manner, or when forced upon someone. Having a physical relationship with another person should always be about the connection you have with that person, no matter what the level of sexual act. If you're out just to have fun and not take the encounter to any sort of level other than physical, then surely you would have to consider the risk of STD's and STI's... pregnancy is not the only consideration or 'result' of a sexual encounter. I hear my younger relatives often talk about sex without considering the full extent of their actions... pregnancy seems to be the only thing they are try not to 'catch' !!

Bonny - posted on 01/22/2010

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If it involves genetailia for anything but urinating or birthing... Its's probably sex. Pretty general comment, but I'm just you guys got the point.

Kelly - posted on 01/22/2010

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Thank you Bill Clinton for teaching our children that one! I think the title says it all and it is an act to be saved for marriage.

Sherri - posted on 01/22/2010

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I have heard of it - apparently it is quite common with teens. Did you hear the Dr. Phil show about the "rainbow parties" and "train parties" that are going on? The girls all wear different colors of lipstick to determine who went the deepest on a guy and they all line up in a "train" to "service" the guys that come down the line. It is unbelievable and very disturbing that teens don't actually consider oral sex true sex!

Shelley - posted on 01/22/2010

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The first time I heard of this was on TV, If I wasn't sitting I would have fallen over,The shock didn't stop there, as many teens really believe this, and there is pressure from teens to do this in order to be cool, in the eyes of there peers, they believe that it is not sex, as they remain virgins...What they do not know is that the spread of STDs is ramped among them,yes you can get oral STDs... Scary ha, If you have teens, Please tell them.. This is not a joke

Kendra - posted on 01/22/2010

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Your daughter is right. I was a high school teacher for the past ten years, and most teens have that belief. Just look at popular media and one can understand why. here are plenty of people who have sex and do not love/care about each other. The term "hooking up" often means more than just meeting at the local coffee shop. I have even seen "hook up" lists that girls keep of boys they want to be with and what they have done with them so far- most of which goes far beyond kissing. I have overheard discussions about parties where girls and boys would just hook up with each other for the party. I have even heard and seen instances of students getting caught on school campus having giving/receiving oral sex in a restroom or empty hallway. Does this mean that all teens are doing it? Of course not. But I will bet you that most know at least one or two who are. I think that many people have NO IDEA about how teens view sex today. Just look at how pervasive it has become in our society through music, television, movies, advertising, etc. It's just a very different time and many parents are reluctant to acknowledge that fact or ignorant to it.

Erika - posted on 01/22/2010

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Hi, here in Brazil - a very sexy country - I have never heard about it, but anyway, I am 33 years old... and a mom. I have some friends who are 23, 25 and for them, oral sex is sex.



Kind regards,

Erika

Mary - posted on 01/22/2010

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sex is sex, even anal sex is sex .ur still being intimate with that person yes to me oral sex is sex.

Kimberly - posted on 01/22/2010

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I have heard this and at first it shocked me. We are living in a 'me first' society. Some of my kids have the same opinion. It is really hard to teach them that it is sex when main steam media consistantly shows them that it is ok. It is my opinion that this started so that teens and young adults could satisfy their hormonal desires without feeling guilty. Anything that causes arousal should be considered sex including oral sex and pornography.

Maxine - posted on 01/22/2010

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I too agree with Lindsay, it is part of foreplay but carries similar risks to full on sex so our youngsters need to be aware of that.

Jenny - posted on 01/22/2010

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Any time two people have had any type of sexual encounter where the couple have had been intimate with each other, that is sex. It doesn't matter whether one or the other or both has had an orgasm or not. I think the reason young people have oral sex is so the female doesn't get pregnant. But there is still the consequences of disease, mental anguish if one of the persons is young and a whole lot of other problems. It's so sad young people want to grow up so fast.

Debbie - posted on 01/22/2010

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I have heard this before and it really blows my mind (no pun intended). If you ask me this is a very intimate act between two people and whether you consider it foreplay or not, it still is a form of sex in my opinion. I think a lot of people feel if there is no penetration then there was no sexual act, but if you ask me this is just a cop out. Not to sound like a prude because lord knows I am not but I want to know when we started viewing sex / love making as this casual thing? When I was growing up, my parents always told me what the consequences were for having unsafe sex / safe sex and never in those discussions did they say "but this doesn't apply to oral sex".

Aaron - posted on 01/22/2010

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It is called "oral sex". It is SEX, by definition. And there are certainly situations when it can be done with plenty of love and caring!

Rebecca - posted on 01/22/2010

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I am a young adult. Even though it is considered foreplay by some, it is still a part of sex. What do you thing lesbians consider it as? oh we just had foreplay....lol...

Seriously speaking,most young people that i know believe it only has to be one way and that is not true. Sex is sex oral or not. I could go into a further explanation but this i will stick to my basic part of my opinion.

Deborah - posted on 01/22/2010

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*lalalala I'm not listening* My girl(s) will be locked in a room from 12-20 years old. Then they can go figure whats sex.

I am a youth leader. I teach cadets ages 12-18. The way they will dress and talk if allowed to is OUTRAGEOUS! I'm only 23, it wasn't that long ago I was their age. Still scares me...

And on the actual topic... Oral Sex is a sex act. It is different from vaginal penetration because of the connotations surrounding it. You wont get pregnant from it, so its not as "serious" (oh god... I hope my kids never learn these words)

However if you were forced to do it, I'm sure the feelings involved would be similar to vaginal penetration. It is a sex act.

Sierra - posted on 01/22/2010

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This is a message to ALL MOTHERS: if you have kids approaching middle school you better start to get prepared for "the talk". take a look around the mall and what do you see?? I see 9 or 10 year old girls wearing padded bras, short shorts/skirts, and make-up. all of these are ways to attract attention from the opposite sex. KIDS are flirting and are sharing (most of the time incorrect) information about sex and sexual acts. They are immature and naive. they are irresponsible and foolish. i don't care how good your kids are at home when they are at school most of them become someone completely different. I know 11 and 12 year olds that have engaged in intercourse and oral sex. This isn't as uncommon at you'd pray it was. Your children need to learn from home. They need to not be given the "wait for someone you love" speech and instead need to be educated on the consequences, reprocussions, and risks involved in sexual behavior not just sex. kissing is supposed to be an intimate thing that is shared between two ppl but think about to your school age days. you'd make-out with boyfriend A then break up and a week later were makeing out with boyfriend B and so on... kissing transmits diseases NOT just STDS... think about mono??? anyone ever have mono before?? i did. i got it from kissing my middle school boyfriend. i was out of school for 4 weeks and on serious meds and pain killers. it wasnt fun. of course communicate you expectation to your children but do not limit it there. I work with middle school and high school kids all day and they view me as a diary most of the time. if you could only know some of the things these kids tell me you'd be scared white as a ghost. i could go on forever about this but i'll end it here. INFORMATION IS KEY... HONESTY MEANS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DAUGHTER APPLYING FOR WIC OR A DAUGHTER APPLYING TO COLLEGES

Judy - posted on 01/22/2010

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Yes! Holly, this is exactly what we mean. MAy be parents should keep talking to their teens about this as they grow. My kids are still not there but whenever I hear of such things like oral sex, it scares me because i dont know from whom they will hear it first! Be free with the children in order to communicate / talk about anything. It helps.

Leah - posted on 01/22/2010

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the only place i've actually heard this is on the tv show the secret life of the american teenager; i do, however, feel that a lot of teens have this way of thinking. but truth is truth, and she should already know that you can still catch diseases doing oral sex, which IS SEX. i wish the schools were able to teach them more about it; some listen to their parents, but some parents won't even discuss it.

Lisa - posted on 01/22/2010

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My 17 year old son told me the same thing. I was/am disgusted....you teach them about sex and suddenly only intercourse is sex? Very confused

Tonya - posted on 01/22/2010

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Yes, for some reason the young generations do indicate this as such. I found that girls whom are virgins believe they are still virgins because oral is just that...its not intercourse but still considered sexual act.

Kelly - posted on 01/22/2010

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Would your daughter consider oral sex as "sex" if her significant other did this with another person? Of course she would. Sex doesn't have to be only certain body parts, or even a certain way of performing. There are many more aspects to sex than just the act itself ... much less just one aspect of the physical act.

Holly - posted on 01/22/2010

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I have heard this a lot too! I don't know if you would call it sex per say, but it does come with the many of the same responsibilites and risks as intercourse. You still have a high risk of STD's and infections. There is also the emotional and mental affects that it can have on a young person who is not really prepared for this type of intimacy. I personally feel that many teens are deluding themselves of the risks they are taking by engaging in oral sex because they feel it is less risky since you can't get pregnant this way. I also think that it is treated entirely too casual and that our society, especially certain types of media, has made sexual acts like oral sex seem as though they are not a big deal and that people casually do stuff like this all the time with no strings attached.

Judy - posted on 01/22/2010

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Judy,



Oral Sex is SEX. That is why there is the word SEX used, if it were not, then there would be another word for it. Beware that this can be a very bad cause of infectionsi.e. STD's so kids shouldnt be cheated that if they have it, they have not had sex. It is good to let them be ware of this.

Gabrielle - posted on 01/22/2010

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I am 40 and my kids who are 18 and 15 know that it is SEX. It is right there in the name ORAL SEX. And as put in earlier comment, look up the definition of sex in dictionary. I completely believe people just say its not to make themselves feel better about it.

Sheryle - posted on 01/22/2010

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Oh I do agree that they think like this. I used to agree, however I don't anymore!! I would like to point out a book called Every Young Woman's battle by Sharron Ethridge. She pin points what us gals need to stay pure before marriage. She has many other mazing books that are realated to this one as well.

Carol - posted on 01/22/2010

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with all the info available these days I'm surprised young people feel this way about ORAL SEX. If it looks, sounds, smells like Sex then guess what it's Sex. I don't think the younger generation believe that they can become extremely ill from any form of sex. Way TOOOOO many STDs out there. BE CAREFUL

Laura Jill - posted on 01/22/2010

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A more relevant question might be why in this day and age young women continue to assess their value as people based on how many sexual partners they have had. Get it through your heads already folks - you're not a better human being than everyone else just because you followed a certain set of values. I have two daughters and a son - I would never want my children to feel that they were loved/valued less because they were no longer virgins. This entire debate is ridiculous ! Oral sex is what it is - an intimate act between two people. You make your own decisions (based on your own set of values/beliefs) about when and with whom to participate in this activity with but lets move away from identifying ourselves through our sexual behaviour. Not one woman who weighed in on this issue identified herself in any relevant way - by profession, by professional criteria, etc. Pitiful....

Josephine - posted on 01/22/2010

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Oral Sex is SEX because you still exchange bodily fluids. Not only that but you can get sexually transmitted diseases...so why are they called that if it's not sex? A lot of young people are very uneducated in this area, and as her mom I would research it online, by googling how to talk to your kids about sex (or oral sex). Our future needs to be educated, because then it will take them getting herpes of the mouth for them to learn the truths about oral sex.

Barb - posted on 01/22/2010

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The even scarier thing going on these days is that many girls are okay with anal sex because they "want to remain a virgin," or they figure that it's a way to give it up to the guys without worrying about getting pregnant. My daughter told me about this practice 5 years ago when she was in high school and my son has two friends (16yr old sophomores) who say that their girlfriends are like this.

[deleted account]

I believe oral sex is sex just like anal sex is sex. If it wasn't sex wouldn't it just be called oral?!?

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