Out of control and pregnant, but not pregnant

Martha - posted on 12/08/2012 ( 278 moms have responded )

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One year ago I had a 16 year old son that I could not be more proud of. I felt secure that my husband and I had done the right things and taught him right from wrong. We were a very happy family who enjoyed spending lots of time together, we loved vacations, and camping. My husband was involved in scouts with him and they spent time hunting together. He was a very good student, was responsible and hard working. He is a very talented musician and has many opportunities for college scholarships. He was active in church with our family, and has achieved the rank of Eagle Scout. My husband and I have been active and involved in supporting any sport or activity he has taken an interest in. I can't say enough about his father has always been there for him giving him love and support and time. We basically had a very happy family, and a child on his way to becoming a great man.

Then he met a girl......14 yrs old, not from a stable home, no goals. Very early in this relationship we noticed warning signs. She was very controlling and cut herself. She insisted on constant contact, mostly texting, even all throughout the school day, hundreds of texts. If he fell asleep before she was done talking there would be 25 or more angry and threatening ones waiting for him in the morning. We tried to talk to our son about this. We had always had a very open line of communication with him and thought we could give some good advice. We told him we were worried and that we loved him.

We saw his behavior change very quickly. He began lying to us and sneaking around. When we confronted him about this behavior he began to threaten to quit school and run away. On occasion becoming violent, he once broke my bedroom door down to get the keys to my car. Another time he hit his head against the floor until he cut himself. At first because of the drastic behavior changes we suspected drug use. We had him tested for drugs, actually many times now, but nothing has ever showed up and we have not found any physical evidence. We have taken him to counseling and to doctors. He has gone through intensive outpatient therapy. We are currently seeing a combination of therapists, family counselors, and doctors about once a week.He is on medication for depression.

He has always been a great student and school has been easy for him. He is in his senior year and seems to be out to sabatoge himself. We are not sure that this former 4.0 student will graduate from high school. It seems as though he has lost all communication skills he once had and only uses threats now. My son no longer has friends, all of his time is spent with his girlfriend, she demands it. he has become unbelievably disrespectful to my husband and i, and when my husband is not around it is not uncommon for him to bully me.

My husband and I are tired and sad. We feel like we have been fighting for our sons life over the past 10 months. We miss our son so much, we feel like he is gone. I feel like he has no sense of reality and something is very wrong. And now today we found out that his 15 yr old girlfriend is pregnant. I do not believe these two are able to function in any way as parents. I am very concerned that the future of an innocent child is in the hands of a very troubled child.

Edit: Just to clarify. The girlfriend is NOT pregnant it was a manipulative lie.

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Michelle - posted on 12/25/2012

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Are you serious, Kelli? He is only 3 years older than she is. What a nasty and hurtful thing say to someone who is going through such a difficult time with her child. If you can't say something intelligent and supportive, then you should be quiet!! And take your Puritanical nonsense elsewhere. Merry Christmas.

Michelle - posted on 12/16/2012

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Martha, my heart goes out to you. You are obviously wonderful parents. Your son sounds like a nice boy. My advice to you as the mother of a 14-yr old girl -- advice I'm not sure I'd be able to follow myself but which I know is right -- is that you and your husband must remove yourselves from this situation. You and he no longer care if he stays with this girl. Her issues obviously stem from having parents that don't care about her. Attention-starved, she is always plotting for him to prove his love. The only thing keeping him with her your opposition. Forbidden love gets aggrandized. Her needy behavior also feeds his ego and makes him feel needed, like he is rescuing the damsel in distress. Outraged that her father doesn't care, he wants to fix her. But it's exhausting. He can't be her constant crutch and have a life of his own. But he has YOU holding it all together for him. The feeling that you guys are holding his life together and pressure from you to drop her is going against his protective instincts for her. So much pressure and conflicting emotions=recipe for depression. If you refrain from expressing any opinions and act like you truly don't care, tell him that you trust him to figure it all out and if he is happy with her then you won't stand in his way you'll give your blessing, and you truly back off, you'll eliminate part of her allure. He will lose interest. He's probably sick of her and now feels trapped. If she is t pregnant it will probably end on its own. You can do this. You've seen all the therapy and getting involved isn't working. Try going the zen route. Just be there and say nothing, do nothing. Things will work themselves out: he has a solid foundation that you built, that should see him through this.

Michelle - posted on 12/08/2012

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I don't really think all the therapy in the world is going to help until you get him away from her. She's the problem.



I have no ideas on how you are going to do that though. Since she is only 15 then your son could be charged with statutory rape. I would tread very carefully around her.

Betheny - posted on 12/16/2012

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I feel so terribly for this girl. Cause that's what she is, a child. It seems like all the blame is being put squarely on her shoulders. She's a 15 year old child for goodness sakes. I know you are feeling negative toward her right now, but maybe understanding and compassion might help the situation. I can understand that you feel like she is taking your son away, but she is not trying to hurt you or ruin your lives or your son's, she is most likely just trying to find a safe refuge if her life is as horrific as you present it to be. Most cutters cut because there is an internal pain that is to much to face. As for going with her to the abortion clinic, just no. You are talking about an already fragile child, and if she is pregnant and decides to have an abortion, it will probably be the worst day of her life and more than enough to push her off the edge and having you there, someone she knows doesn't like her, would only make the situation ten times worse. I know it's a hard situation and you are coping with it to the best of your ability, but as I was reading every response, I got more upset and more upset. I figured someone should speak up for this lost and lonely child.

Monica - posted on 12/28/2012

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Hi there, first I am so sorry for your situation. You are not the first, nor the last, parent that will have to deal with this type of issue.

We faced the same issue, but our daughter was the good kid trapped by an abusive, manipulative, controlling boyfriend. (He tried to get her pregnant but she was already on birth control to control a very tough menstrual cycle.)

After weeks of arguing with her and expressing our concern for her and her path, her choices and how they effected her, we were about to give up. Until it hit me. We were all trying to tell her what to do and how she should be. In the end, she was going to do what she wanted. My question was easy, do you know what you want?

I looked at my daughter and asked her to do something for me. I asked her to think about two questions and write down the answers.
1. "Where do you see your self in 5 years on the path you are now?"
2. "Where do you dream to be in 5 years?"
She did try to answer and I stopped her. I asked her to THINK about it before she answered and to write it down. I didn't need the answers, she did. This was after all her choice. I was bowing out and trusting her decision and judgement, but I would ALWAYS be here for her. Not just as a parent, but her friend who will love her always. Just as she is and respect her choices.

Then I waited. She came to me less than a week later and asked to talk. Not to be talked at but to talk. She said she felt she was an adult and wanted an adult conversation but not between Mom and Daughter but woman to woman, as friends.

I concurred and we talked for over 6 hours!

I tapped back into my youth and painted her a picture of my teen years. (They were awesome!)
And I compared them to hers. She cried and cried. She had no idea what to do or how to get out of her current situation but she decided this was not the path or life she wanted.

I ended up taking her to the boys house, sitting down with his parent and both kids. (They weren't very ideal parents to say the least.) She wanted to break up with him, in front of everyone, and she made it clear why.

We did have to change her cellphone # and she is in counseling but she is right back on track.
She is her normal self, Honors student, good to her siblings, met a really nice boy who is very good to her. She mapped out where she wants to be in 5 years and it's on her wall. As a reminder of what she wants for HERSELF. Not what anyone else wants, but what she wants.

It was hard to talk to her that day. I had no idea what was going on behind the scenes, the front picture was bad enough. I cried several times for her, with her, but we made a game plan I stood beside her as support. Not only as a parent but her friend. But letting her know it was her choice and letting her decide, she was honest with herself and chose wisely. And she was only 15!

My advice to cure her controlling of your son and maybe set him free.... Have him call her to the table on her threat of harming herself and suicide. If she attempts to follow thru, even states she will follow thru, call 911 and report an unstable pregnant teen is threatening/committing suicide/harmful acts to herself. They will immediately pick her up, treat her, then institutionalize her. You will find out for sure if she's pregnant.
With her out of contact, ask your son if he wants to have a relationship or child with a girl who has no respect for the child she is carrying or herself. If she is willing to hurt herself and a baby now, she certainly isn't going to be able to handle terrible two's, nasty nine's, and definitely not make it thru teen years at all!

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Martha - posted on 12/28/2013

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Hello. I know I have not replied in a very long time. This road is so rocky and I am really trying to keep the best attitude I can. But I have worries now so deep. I am holding them in, trying to only send positive energy to my son. Here goes.....

My son did go to college. In august we moved him in, he was so excited to be there. Really happy. He has always been a wonderful student, I know he was really in his element. Away from home, on his own.

I don't know if anyone can really understand the power this girl has over him. He didn't give college a chance. He spent every free minute coming back in town to spend time with his girlfriend or trying to find a ride to come back. He would come back and stay at her house. (I will never understand why the mother of a then 15 yr old girl, would allow her 18 yr old boyfriend to spend the weekend and sleep in her bed!). That is until Sunday evening would roll around and he didn't bother to have a ride back to school lined up, or he didn't want to leave as early as his ride was......I really don't know what happened. But anyway, so many Sunday evenings I would get a phone call from him. "I came back in town Mom, my ride ditched me, can you drive me back to school". We took him back many times, hoping it would be the last time he did this to us.

By the end of October he came home, said he didn't like school and he was quiting.

I have to say, he did have a plan for what he wanted to do. He contacted the US Army and inquired about joining the Army band. He has auditioned, he scored very high. He has signed a musician contract and he will be leaving by the end of March. I see this as something that will be very good for him. He loves music. He can support himself and play music full time. I am very proud of him.

I do not however underestimate the power of this girl. I am sure that there are plans in the making of them getting married. I know that as of this moment she is 16 and can not get married without her father signing permission. At this point he will not do that. I believe that between now and the time my son leaves they are trying to get pregnant, feeling that her father will have to sign for them to get married in that case.

Everything about this relationship is so unhealthy it scares me to death. Especially with the thought of adding a poor innocent child into the mix. I want to be happy for my son, but the nagging thought in the back of mind is that if things are not going the girlfriends way. If he is too far away, or if he is not able to give her enough attention, she will make him quit, no matter the cost to him. And I believe has has no power in this situation.

I was really trying to stay positive, but then I got a phone call last night. From an adult friend of my sons. Someone who has known him and watched him slip all the way down this slippery slope. I thought my worries were my own, that maybe some of this was out in left field. This friend of his shared concerns with me that felt like they came right out of my head. It was surreal to hear these words from someone else. It made my worries all come to the surface. This friend believes that there is nothing anyone can do. When a girl like this gets under your skin.

I wish he could see the hurtful things she has done. I think of where he was at when she met him. She has completely broken him down, in the same way that a person is brainwashed. I wonder where she learned this,

I know there is nothing I can do. I believe in forgiveness. I am not there, and really need help with getting there.

Nancy - posted on 04/10/2013

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In case we forget, please remind us close to the time your younger son will start school in the fall to be praying for him as well. This latest post is really encouraging!

We will continue to keep you lifted up in prayer, since I know that the things your family has gone through have pushed you to your limits. I pray you will find peace, rest and strength in the Lord as your son is coming around. He has certainly strengthened and upheld you through these very trying times, along with giving you tremendous wisdom.

Our hearts and prayers are with you.

Martha - posted on 04/10/2013

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Thank you Nancy. My younger son is worried about his older brother. He has a tough road to follow. In the fall he will be starting at the same school his brother was just kicked out of. He is a strong person, and understands what he is facing. It was his choice to go to this school, it's one of the best in the area. He is a very serious football player and this school has the best team in town. He is also seeing a therapist to help sort out feelings. He is very close to his brother and this is hard.

My older son seems to be slowly figuring things out. He got a job and paid his car insurance so he is driving. He is doing alright. He is looking at ways he can pay for college in the fall. I am seeing some of his old self coming back.

We continue to be the same parents we have always been. I think that he is beginning to see that we are and will always here for him. I have seen less rocks in the road lately and pray everyday for him. The girlfriend is still in the picture. But I believe if we keep being here and being ourselves our son will make better choices for his life.

Nancy - posted on 04/10/2013

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Martha, you're doing a terrific job! Keep it up! This is tough love at its best. You've given him a safe and secure home without giving in to his every request. You're allowing him to experience consequences (it sounds like he realized he couldn't call for a ride home from his girlfriend's house) that are painful and may help him learn from his choices.

It sounds like the pressure is off since he can't threaten you with dropping out of school now. I love your handling of the car situation.

The things you're reporting show that you've given your son all the tools he needs to be very successful in life. Unless he has some sort of personality disorder that prevents him from responding to consequences and from seeing reality, I'm pretty sure he'll come around. At that point, you'll heave a huge sigh of relief. How is your younger son responding to the example he's seeing in his older brother?

We will continue praying for your entire family. God bless you and stay strong.

Martha - posted on 03/28/2013

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As crazy as this sounds, my son being kicked out of school has been a blessing. The good news is that he will be getting his diploma in the mail. No walking at graduation, but he had enough work in to receive his diploma. The stress in our home is much less. My son no longer has the threat of quitting school to hold over us. No more daily worry of if he will get out of bed and make it to school.

This makes things much more basic for him. We have made it clear that we have helped him and supported him this far. Every opportunity we have given him he has tossed away. He will be 18 in less than a week and now it is his turn.

The car that we gave him to use for school is now parked in the driveway. I am not the taxi service for him and his girlfriend, and I am not in charge of making arrangements for him to see his girlfriend.

He said that he could not go and get a job without a car. I told him that he walked a mile and a half to go see his girlfriend the other day, so I think he surely can walk a mile to go and get a job. We told him that when he gets a job and can pay us for his car insurance he may drive the car.

We have dealt with a week of him being very angry and still trying to threaten us into doing things for him. But, I think he is beginning to see that that road is coming to an end. Last week we dealt with our son packing his bags multiple times, but never leaving. I was driving him to his therapist appointment and he jumped out of the car when we got near his girlfriends house. (her dad turned him away, and he had to walk home). I believe he is beginning to see that his life is going to be what he makes of it.

Will he make all of the right choices? Probably not. But maybe he can begin to see that the choices he makes will affect his life. I have to thank the school for holding him accountable for his actions.

He says he still wants to go to college, and because he received his diploma this is still possible. I know he has the skills to be responsible and be successful in life. He proved that the first 16 1/2 years of his life. If he can make it back to the level of maturity he had last year I know he can make it. Of course that will be difficult if he continues to circle his life around a very immature 15 yr old girlfriend. He has made his life much more difficult than it needs to be, But, not impossible.

Linda - posted on 03/20/2013

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Martha I'm so sorry. One thing to remember is that he may not have graduated from the school but he has been there working hard for three years. In the scope of his life that will have a positive influence on him. His story is not over but, I understand that you said you needed him out of the house because of how his situation is affecting the others in the home. You are a very good mother--he may need to just make his own mistakes.

God Bless

Alma - posted on 03/19/2013

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So Sad :( Unfortunately, you now wanted it more than he did but some day he'll wish he had it!

Martha - posted on 03/19/2013

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What a sad day. My son was kicked out of school. I remember the day he came to us and asked to go to a really great private school. I remember how excited and grateful he was. I remember all the years of hard work he put in and how proud he was of himself. Why did he throw this away?

Martha - posted on 03/19/2013

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I just got a phone call from my sons school. He may be getting kicked out today, he has been trying hard for this for a while now. He was on a band field trip to elementary schools and he went into someones office and ate their crackers! Why on earth would he do this? I got up early this morning and made him a breakfast of sausage and eggs and he wouldn't eat it. There is something so very wrong. All the doctors and all the therapists, no one can help my son. Because he doesn't want anyone to help him. My heart is so broken, I miss my son so much.

Martha - posted on 03/19/2013

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We made it through another morning. Barely. 31 days of school left. Every morning is the same. We wake him up, and he says "I'm not going to school". He is so close to graduating. His dad has spent every moment he is not at work sitting with him and helping him to get caught up. I have never seen such a poor attitude. I can't believe that this is the same person who came to us four years ago and asked us to send him to one of the best private schools in our area. This is not something that was easy for us to afford. But we did it because he was a hard worker and we wanted him to have every opportunity. For three years he did work hard. What has happened? Now he says "f that school and f you guys". Are we wrong to want so badly for him to graduate. This school has cost us 50 thousand dollars. But more importantly I don't want all of his years of hard work up until this year to be for nothing. This is taking such a toll on our whole family. I never thought I would ever say this, but we NEED him out of our house. He is hurting our whole family so much.

Nancy - posted on 03/18/2013

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I didn't see anything posted for a week or two, but I've seen what you've written today. Our hearts and prayers are still with you, Martha. We're praying for wisdom and for strength for you as you continue in this difficult journey.

Martha - posted on 03/18/2013

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Something is wrong with this post. I can not see anything past the end of December.

Michelle - posted on 03/18/2013

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My heart goes out to you, Martha. Hang in there. He sounds severely clinically depressed. Is he on medication? Wellbutrin helped me out of a hole like the one he is in.

Martha - posted on 03/18/2013

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We are still here struggling. 32 days of school left. Every day we struggle to get our son out of bed and to school. He says he is quitting every day. Every day we wonder if he will make it. He is very behind in his school work right now. My husband spends every minute he is home from work sitting next to him and encouraging him. Helping him. I have never seen such a poor attitude as my son has towards everything good in his life. This is so depressing. Will we make it through the next couple of months? What will happen after?

Martha - posted on 02/28/2013

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Yes Angela! We are basking in the glow of a couple of good days. We are trying to enjoy every moment while we can. I am trying not to feel like we are just waiting for the next episode to happen. I am thankful for yesterday, and I am thankful for today.......maybe I can be thankful tomorrow too?

Jacquelynn - posted on 02/28/2013

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have you taken the photos and txts on your sons phone to a social worker? they would have to check in on her at least. then if she really is unstable maybe she can get the help she needs. and after a little help maybe she would be able to think more rationally about what she would like to do about the pregnancy. your son probably could use some counseling as well. that kind of influence is very destructive, i saw my brother go through something similar and he still hasn't recovered fully.

Angela - posted on 02/27/2013

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Sometimes you just have to take one day at a time. I'm glad today's been good for you so far though!

Martha - posted on 02/27/2013

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Well, that didn't last long. My son is back at home with us. His aunt and uncle quickly saw that he was not in their home to get away and focus on school. He spent all of his time trying to figure out how to go to see the girlfriend. The situation was not working, so they decided to call it quits. My son did not take it as hard as I thought. He asked to come back home, I think he was very happy to come back.

New situation with the girlfriend. The mother tried to enroll her at the school in her district. They would not allow it because the mother does not have legal custody. She had to go back to her fathers house. At this point the father will not allow her to see my son, this is why she ran away to her mothers. I hope he has luck keeping her there and getting her to school.

I don't know what will happen when they decide they are going to see each other anyway. At this point we can not have her at our house, her father will not give her permission, and I will not go against his wishes.

I feel like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Today is good, he is at school. We have some things to keep him busy and I am trying to get him to make plans with some good friends he hasn't seen in a while.

Today is good, and I am thankful for that.

Angela - posted on 02/25/2013

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OK - the issue, in a nutshell, is that your son cannot live his life exactly as he pleases because he does not have financial independence or his own home. He lives in someone else's home and must abide by their house rules.

So the answer is for him to get some financial independence and get his own home. He needs to find a job in order to meet these goals. And his chances of finding a job are greatly enhanced by finishing High School with decent grades! It's as simple as that!

So tell him this and hopefully he will have motivation to get himself to school and work hard so he can achieve his desired objectives.

You might also remind him that his manipulative girlfriend pretended to be pregnant not so long ago and that threw him and his family into serious turmoil and worry. So is she really worth all of this conflict? However, it now seems that your son has an agenda that could well continue whether this girl was in his life or not.

Good luck!

Nancy - posted on 02/24/2013

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Wow, Martha. I'm so glad you have Officer Mike. Your son is truly pushing you to your limits, and then some. You will certainly need the Lord's help to get through this, so we will continue praying for you. If this isn't evidence that there's an enemy, someone who wants to destroy your family, I don't know what is. You are in a spiritual battle, contending for your son. Don't give up, don't give up! On the other hand, please, please take care of your marriage. This kind of situation puts so much pressure on the family that I've known of couples who got divorced after going through times like these.

The good news is that people who know you will recognize the lies your son is putting forth.

You truly did the right thing by not allowing him to drive your car. He's still testing the limits, trying to see what you'll let him do. He's in rebellion, and people in rebellion don't like rules. That's why he thinks you're trying to control everything--he wants to have everything his way and to be free to do anything he wants, whenever he wants, however he wants, and with whomever he wants. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Those kinds of behaviors have serious consequences, but he refuses to see the consequences as the results of his own actions. Instead, when something happens that he doesn't like, he blames it on you.

It may come to a point where you have to tell him, "You are welcome in our home anytime, but you understand that if you choose to live here, you will be a part of the family and will have to abide by the family rules." Then, if he chooses to live elsewhere, you may have to let him suffer the consequences and not protect him from hardship. Unfortunately, it may take a little trouble coming his way to help him see the light.

I'm really glad the uncle and aunt aren't pushovers, and that they, also, aren't willing to let him do whatever he wants. He thinks it's about you--he thinks you all in cahoots, that you're working together to as cosmic killjoys--what he doesn't seem to realize is that having limits is normal for healthy families. At the same time, your husband's brother and his wife are obviously a good source of support for you. They're upholding your values with your son, which makes it so the onus isn't all on you (even if your son thinks it is, he'll figure this one out fairly soon).

I'm sorry to say that just getting him through high school isn't going to take care of the problem. Finishing high school is a necessary and very important step for your son, but there is no indication at this time that he will straighten up if he finishes.

We'll keep praying.

Barbra - posted on 02/24/2013

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Wow , I know what a friend of mine would say. He would say ---easy take the car keys, computer, cell phone and whatever he has to keep involved with not only the girl but the outside world. Just punish him.
I have owned retail storeswhole life and I have seen GREAT kids turn into someone that was unrecognizable because they started dated the wrong kids as a matter of fact I have seen adults do dumb things for the same reason.
All depending on the kid taking things always is not the answer...it might help.. but not the answer. It sounds you have probably tried that anyway besides I remember being an teenager and I know when kids what to see eachother they will.
Maybe moving and putting him in a sleep away school...home school so he will be way from her.
He sounds like he really is a smart kid who lost his way. Did you speak to the girls parents? In my house -being a single mother- trust is a big issue. I am and have always been very open with my child and my child knows not to betray my just because then the trust would be have to be earned back.
You said you are doing therapy..have you ever thought of in patient therapy? It isn't easy to do and you have to be on top if the staff.
Praying doesnt hurt either..and I am far from religious..but it can't hurt and if anything it helps.
Are you in therapy , that might not only help but maybe they can suggest something.'
When your son out that she lied about being pregnant? That's a big red but sometimes we don't see it
Good-luck and all I can say and you are in my prayers and listen to your shrink.

Alma - posted on 02/23/2013

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God Bless You....what else can a person say. There has probably been very few parents that have done so many things right ~ hang on to that. Pretty sure your son really does know that and that's what makes him so angry, he can't make you be failures and that would make him feel so much better. Keep up the good work and let's hope and pray that he gets his high school because once he's on his own maybe the "real world" won't look so pretty to him.

Martha - posted on 02/23/2013

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Ok, so things haven't been going so well. Six days ago everything was going fine. My son had his girlfriend and another friend over. It was getting late and I told him it was time to take his friends home, and to come right back because it was late. He stood right in front of me and told me he was going to take his friend home, then he was going to be a while because he was going to have sex with his girlfriend in my car before he took her home. Dead Silence Then of course I said the dreaded word, the N word.......No.

How does a person raised in the way our son was raised. Who a year ago was smart, polite, followed the rules, was hard working and honest, come to a point where he can say this to his mother and not even flinch. I will never understand.

To continue the story........I told him no, and that I would take his friends home. I went to the car and they both got in. My son went walking down the street, he said he wasn't going to live with us anymore with all of our rules. We got to the corner and I had to stop before I made the turn. My son opened the back door, and said to his girlfriend " we are over!". She then jumped out of the car to follow after him in the freezing cold. I apologized to my sons friend and drove him home.

Come to find out the next day that when my son and his girlfriend got to her mom's apartment, my son was not welcome there. But he stayed anyway and the girlfriend and her mom had such a loud fight that neighbors called the police. My husband went by in the morning to pick up our son. He called the police and said that my husband was beating him. When the police arrived, the girlfriends mother told the police that it was a lie. The police were angry and told my son to leave. So my husband brought him home.

We sat with him and talked about what happened. My son was at once asking for us to go pick up his girlfriend. We knew that he had homework to be done. We told him to get him homework completed and then if it was ok with her mother, we would pick her up. (um, no driving my car. I know what your plan for that is.) He said to us, "no, I won't do my homework until you go pick her up." So my husband and I walked into the other room. My son then told us that he was not living with us anymore, he was moving in with his girlfriend at her mom's. (which makes no sense as he is not welcome there).

I don't know if this was a cry for help, or him wanting to have more drama. But he called the police again. He said he didn't want his dad to stop him from leaving. So who comes to our house, but the wonderful officer Mike. He gave our son another long talking to, which I am sure he didn't listen to one word of. Officer Mike told him he would be happy to walk him out of our house. Before he made it to the door, officer Mike poked his front pocket and asked what was in there. My son said cigarettes. Officer Mike then proceeded to arrest my son for having cigarettes. Took him to jail. About 5 hours later I got a phone call from my son. No, he didn't want me to pick him up. He wanted his girlfriends mothers phone number. I gave it to him. Come to find out, he took a bus from Jail straight to his girlfriends place. Even though he wasn't welcome there, he spent the night.

The next day, his cousin got wind of what he did. She drove there and picked him up. She brought him to our house. He then asked us if he could go live with his aunt and uncle and finish high school. We talked to my husbands brother about this and decided that it would be worth a try. Maybe he would have less distractions. I was surprised by this because the uncles house is a far way from the girlfriends place. But, I thought, ok, maybe he is trying to help himself.

Things were quite for about 4 days. He was told by his uncle that the purpose of this move was nothing other than to get him through high school, to finish the job. Only two months to go.

We have been supportive of his decision. Last night there was a basketball game at his school. He plays in the jazz band for the games. So we all went, me, dad, brother. We picked him up and all watched him play and watched the game. We went out to eat afterward and took him back to his uncles.

I went back today, as I had arranged with him. I picked him up, took him to breakfast and took him shopping to pick up some of his favorite groceries to have. I took him back. As soon as I got home I started getting angry texts and phone calls. He also lashed out on FB. He sent messages to friends of ours That we made him move to his aunt an uncles house and that we controlled them to not let him leave the house ever. He told his brother that his dad and I have pushed him out of a house that isn't even ours, by controlling everything. He said that he was moving back in with his girlfriend because he was not going to live in a house that was controlled by us.

Turns out that he wanted to go see his girlfriend. He asked his aunt, she said ok, but wanted him home by 8pm. She even offered to drive him to the bus stop. But, he found out that it would take 1 hour and 45 minutes each way.

Why does he have this delusion that we are controlling everything. I know that he blames every bad decision on us. When will he finally take responsibility for his own actions? I hope that staying at his uncles will help him see that his decisions don't have anything to do with us. They are all about him. I don't know if this is the answer. I only hope.

Amy - posted on 02/23/2013

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The thing to remember is the foundation you have created with your son. I and my sister went through this, but our raising was similar to how you have raised your son and eventually we fell back on the morals and love that we were raised with. Never give up!

Nancy - posted on 02/18/2013

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"I sure hope something happens in her favor soon." Martha, it sounds to me like you and your husband ARE something good happening in her favor. We can't change everyone, because we can't force them to make good choices, but we can give them good examples and provide a nurturing and supporting environment. While her own family doesn't provide that, you do. Unfortunately, the home environment has had the most profound influence on this girl's life to this point. You and your husband are modeling something this girl has not seen, so her future has already been influenced in a more godly way, because she has had some exposure to a committed marriage. Just seeing it provides an education and the beginnings of knowledge of, can I say it?, "normal" family relationships.

I so respect you for the choices you've made in this situation. I pray your efforts will be rewarded.

Holly - posted on 02/18/2013

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Martha, you are an inspiration to all of us, taking this girl under your wing, KNOWING how much trouble she has caused your son. You are supportive of them and seek to help BOTH of them knowing how much it means to your son. I think that THIS is also what has helped your son, is the fact that no matter what, you support him and his choices, and STILL encourage him to do the best that he can do. I just HOPE that he sees how incredibly lucky he is to have parents like you and his father.

Angela - posted on 02/17/2013

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Martha,
Glad to read that things are getting better for your family! Its great that you and your husband show your son's girlfriend that your there for your son no matter what. Also that she talks to your husband about things, we all need a go to person from time to time. Maybe she will see how well your son is doing and better herself by going back to school.
Good luck to you all!

Linda - posted on 02/17/2013

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Sad to hear of the girl's mother's miscarriage but it seems God does not want her to be a mother again. Time to focus on the one at hand. Three months with no school. Shame on her parents and you guys are so awesome to welcome her to your home and talk to her. Glad to hear your son is doing better and I'm sure that is in part because you are being so welcoming to the girlfriend. Can't be easy.

God bless you all. You are all doing so well!

Martha - posted on 02/17/2013

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Still a good week. Three NA meetings. My son is feeling proud of himself and we are there to cheer him on.

The girlfriend is still in the picture. We are having her at our house almost daily. She likes coming to our house and the "parent" talks my husband has with her. Our home is a much healthier environment for her to be in. This is for sure a very unhealthy relationship that has done so much damage. But this is our sons lesson that he needs to learn. We can however, be as involved as possible and as supportive to them both as we can.

This poor girl needs help. I know the police are on the parents case because she has not been in school for 3 months now. I sure hope something happens in her favor soon.

In spending time with her I have gathered so much insight to her problems. Her mother has a live in boyfriend of many years. Also a very unhealthy relationship. She kicks him out all the time and then lures him back with a pregnancy. The mother is in her mid forties, and has had many (7 or more from what I gather) pregnancies that have all ended in miscarriage in recent years. The last one happening just last month. We really do learn from the actions of our parents don't we?

Although this girl has been the root of my sons problems for the last year, my heart really goes out to her. I am praying for her.

Martha - posted on 02/14/2013

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It's a good week. My son went to school every day. He has gone to two NA meetings. And he has rejoined his school rugby team. Things look better than they have for a long time. I hope this continues.

Angela - posted on 02/12/2013

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He's pushing boundaries. Young people often do this to confirm that the boundary exists. You're managing brilliantly.

It sounds as though he's getting something from the NA meetings. It's great that his girlfriend is going there too.

Good luck!

Martha - posted on 02/12/2013

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Wow. To make a long story short. We had a scary weekend. My son actually rolled drugs in front of me! I took what he had away and he got very angry, but stayed, and fell asleep. The next day he agreed to go to a NA meeting. We looked online and found one, we must have had bad information because we got there and the location must have changed. We tried two more, same thing. I got on the phone the next day and got some good information. We all went last night to a meeting, me, dad, girlfriend, and son. I think my son is in contact with some very good people now. He has phone numbers of support people in his phone and he sounds positive. He is already planning the meetings he wants to go to on Wednesday and Friday. What warm welcoming people we met. I saw a different attitude from my son. I am hopeful today.

Nancy - posted on 02/08/2013

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Wow, Martha, you are blessed with very good police officers. Instead of just hauling a troubled young man off to jail, they used a very direct confrontation to cause your son to make a choice between right and wrong. He chose right, albeit reluctantly. And, to top it off, he wouldn't mistreat his dad in front of the police. There are some lines your son won't cross. To me, that looks encouraging. We'll keep praying for you.

Martha - posted on 02/08/2013

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Yes, Nancy it is illegal. He could be arrested. The police did not arrest him, but brought him back home. The police officer made it clear to him that if he did not stay in school and living in our home that the charges would be filed. He made a lot of noise about rather being in jail than living in our home. But when the officer told him ok, if you want to go to jail then break a law and I will take you there. He told him to threaten or push his dad right then and he would take him. He wouldn't do it and he has been going to school.

Nancy - posted on 02/08/2013

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Martha, I had a friend who went through a lot of difficulty with her son. They found drugs, his grades plummeted, his values changed. They did a lot of things you're doing, and he's doing well now. The end of your story hasn't been written yet. I know your heart is breaking over all this, but you're doing so many things RIGHT. Your son may eventually realize this and thank you for it. I'm sure you're not doing this, but please make sure your lives aren't so focused on this son that your younger son feels as if you don't care about him. You are clearly doing everything you can. If you lose him for a while, please make sure you don't beat yourselves up about, "What did we do wrong?" We can lead and guide our children, but they will make their own decisions, and some of their choices are downright stupid.

Parenting this girl not only helps her but also shows your son that you value him. Even if you don't agree with his choice for a girlfriend, you are supporting him. That speaks volumes to him and also gives evidence of the quality people you are. Also, by influencing her in a positive way, you may be subtly influencing your son as well.

Is weed not illegal in your state? In our state, he would be arrested for possession.

Martha - posted on 02/08/2013

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That's exactly how we feel Holly. We won't give up on him. I know he has so much to offer this world.

Holly - posted on 02/08/2013

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I will continue to keep you in our prayers... he is SO close to being done. all these years of hard work is about to pay off... he REALLY can't throw it all away this close to being done. he will regret it for the rest of his life. If he can just tough through the next few months....

Martha - posted on 02/08/2013

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Just an update. Extreme parenting continues. Three times this week our son was at his girlfriends house and we got a text saying "I am not coming home, I am not finishing school". Three months is all that is left! His grades are great, he will be graduating at the top of his class! We have been cheering him on and encouraging him, but it seems like when he leaves the house he comes back defeated.

Weed. We found weed. Now this is added to the problem. This could not have been going on long, but it is now. We called a wonderful police officer that came and had a talk with our son, and also had a talk with the girlfriend and her mother about the kind of trouble that they are asking for. (he also had a good talk to her mother about what can happen if she doesn't get her back at school).

My son and I had a good discussion with the therapist about kids who have parents who parent and kids who have parents who don't parent. We all feel bad for the girlfriend who has parents who don't. We have been having the girlfriend over everyday so that she can be in a good environment. We believed and my son confirmed that she really likes the "parenting" talks that my husband has been giving her.

My son is angry that we will not allow him to do drugs and live his life "his way", but we have made it very clear to him that if he can not make good decisions for himself we will do it for him for now. We have let him know that we take our job as his parents very seriously. We have told him how much we love him, and that we have to do our job and see him through high school. He is 3 months from graduating, and 2 months from turning 18.

He is truly standing on the ledge.

Marie - posted on 02/03/2013

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The edit says the girlfriend is now NOT pregnant but she may become pregnant if your son doesn't take precautions. It does take two and if he truly was scared he should consider it a second chance and wrap it up!

Cynthia - posted on 02/02/2013

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I don't believeanything they say or don't answer... sounds like a scam to me for money... watch out.. if she was really pregnant.. her dad would talk with you about the situation

Kate - posted on 02/02/2013

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How old is your son now?

This girl sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. She probably has been through a lot of early trauma.

You are in a tough position because your son is so manipulated by her. I would just keep asking him about his dreams. Keep supporting him, and be kind to the girl even as she spirals. Because at this point you need to keep your son close so you can keep him safe.

Good luck.

Lisa - posted on 02/02/2013

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Emotionally wounded, damaged people wound other people, and that's exactly what this girl is doing to your son. While I know your heart breaks for her, you have to do whatever is necessary to extricate your son from this toxic relationship. How? I don't know, but your son is in a very dangerous situation. If you push against the relationship, he'll run even harder toward this girl, but every second that you don't push, is another second for him to be further hurt by this girl. If you have the financial resources, seek the help of a professional who can recommend an intervention. Last, but certainly not least, remember the power of prayer, even when things seem beyond hope or help.

Linda - posted on 02/02/2013

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My heart goes out to you Martha reading all these posts it is a very frightening situation. But i can't also help feeling that there is a lot of pressure on your son--to do right thing. It really won't be the end of the world if he doesn't go to college right away or get those scholarships that he was set ting himself up for. Possibly you as his parents care more about that than he does. It could even explain his attraction to this very messed girl to begin with.

If you guys are dying every time he texts and says he is dropping out, which is completely understandable to me, I think it is important to take a step back and say that is okay, if that is what HE wants. Have faith in God. We want the best things for our children but sometimes we have to ask ourselves is he working this hard because he values it or is it just to please mom and dad. What does he want for his life? This is a common problem that i see with some kids in expensive private schools that parents, having sacrificed so much for their children, cringe at the possibility of them throwing it all away. It happens and they still go on to be good and valuable people (one is a fellow teacher at my school--what a disappointment!) We have to remember that each child has their own path and it can't be the one that we have chosen for them.

It does sound like he is in an abusive relationship but he seems to have a lot of pressure at home too.

God bless

Danelle - posted on 02/02/2013

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Hang in there Martha! My son has been going through an "angry phase". I don't think its girl related... but we have been experiencing some similar outbursts and anger from my son. Finally, over Christmas my husband and I told him that his future is up to him. We've been struggling to just get him to show up to class - let alone pass, do basic chores and be more respectful. After our big confrontation, he has started making life choices.... He's now dual enrolled in 2 schools to get the credits necessary to graduate, he's applied and been accepted to college (we doubted that he'd ever go) and is actively pursuing employment and best of all: He has goals and he's working towards them!! Our children are amazing creatures. They are resilient and are very capable of making good choices. Remember, you spent 16 years teaching your son right from wrong, how to take responsibility and what respect really is. He will remember... and will be stronger for having this survived this experience! So will you and your husband!! Best wishes and Prayers! ~Danelle

Tracy - posted on 02/02/2013

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All I know is I have a cousin whose son had a girlfriend just like this. She was constantly at him either by breaking up with him and then a few days later making up with him. If he tried saying he didn't want to get back together, she would threaten to kill herself. He was sneaking her into the house at all hours of the night. It was just a constant battle between him, his parents and this girl. His parents tried to talk to him as well, Tried to get him to see that this isn't love, love doesn't make you feel horrible. That this girl was just using him. He finally got away from her for about 6 months and then wham! she was back in his life. The parents have yet to figure out why he let her back in. The drama, of course, started all over within a few weeks. With her once again breaking up with him. Well I guess the son finally came to his breaking point. He went into their basement, used an electrical cord and hung himself. The girl continually tormented the Mother by posting things on her Facebook page about how much she misses him until the Mother blocked her. I don't know how you get her away from him and what you can say but PLEASE DO SOMETHING. I do not want you and your husband to have to walk the path my cousin and his wife do. His Mother does say if she had it to do again, she would have got the girl out of his life one way or the other. She says even if she had to beat the crap out of her and serve time in jail, she says at least my son would still be alive.

Martha - posted on 02/02/2013

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Patricia and Nicole, thank you both. Patricia, my son is at a private all boys school, one of the best in our area. He is 17 yrs old, only a few months away from being 18. In our state we really don't have any rights anymore. Nicole, you are exactly right. We are limping along right now, feeling like we live with a yo-yo. Some days he is in a good state of mind and is looking towards the future. Graduating from high school and going off to college. Then at the drop of a hat we will get a phone call or text saying that he is not coming home and he is dropping out of school and getting his GED. When this happens we go into instant panic mode, we try not to, but we do. We try to keep it internal and not let it show, but we die a little every time this happens. We focus on reminding him of how hard he has worked to get where he is, and how proud of his accomplishments we are. He is not just getting ready to graduate in a few months, but he is getting ready to graduate near the top of his class with offers of scholarships, both academic and music and a very bright future. We will continue to try our best to repair his self esteem with everything we've got.

My husband has been talking with the girlfriend every chance he gets. Giving her positive advice also, she seems to really pay attention, like no one has every fed her this way before. It's very sad to us and we really feel sorry for her. It's very hard to look at her and not place blame for how this relationship has affected our son. We just tell ourselves that blame won't fix anything, we can't change what has happened, but we will do anything, anything in the world to help repair our son's life.

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