Overprotective mommy, or sick mommy?

Ann - posted on 10/20/2012

Post partum depression is not a diagnoses that should be made by some ding a ling who read an article on it in a tabloid somewhere. Anyone who says a new mom must have post partum depression because she is particular about how others are with her baby is an emotionally abusive jerk. It's always from the ones who were the crappiest moms themselves too. Just keep your skanky selves away from new moms.

Ann - posted on 10/20/2012

My drug addict sister in law, with 4 kids by 3 different drug addicts, told my childs father that I was "watching her too much". At two weeks his mother, controlled by her drug addict daughters, told him this too. Because I had caught her pushing on my baby's fontanel again, she had done it in the hospital and another relative caught her, I asked her not to shake my small baby a certain way and she had the nerve, THE NERVE, to get mad at me for it. He left for 3 days. I had to call him to find out if he was coming back. He went and sat in a hotel room for 3 days playing video games because his drug addled family thought I was too careful with my 2 week old baby. I still think he's a wuss for that and still have not seen him stand up to them the way he should. If it weren't for our child, I don't think we'd be together. He treats his snotty niece and nephew with more kindness than he does our child. He claims it's because he is a father and needs to be stricter with his own child. Bullshit. His family is still a bunch of snotty pricks ten years later. He yells at us for the slightest reason. When his family of origin is around he kisses their ass and they know it and look down their noses at his wife and child like the arrogant slimes they are. I just wish he'd tell them to go to hell. I'll bet your brother's girlfriend feels the same about you. And she should. You are a jerk. Why should she trust him if he doesn't tell you to go F yourself already.

Kimberli - posted on 03/06/2012

I think the best approach may be one of "how can we help you". Most moms (even new ones) are tired as well as cautious. Offer to watch him in her home while she takes a nap, takes a bath, has some "mommy time". Suggest these things to your brother-in-law on the premise that a rested/rejuvenated mommy makes a happier, healthier baby. Hopefully presenting it that way will allow her to accept your/his help.

Julie - posted on 03/06/2012

Give her time.



With my first one I was very protective - not quite this extreme, tho ...



Love her - I'd rather have mommies this way than handing them to every Tom Dick and Harry that comes along and then at 6 weeks leaving them at a Day Care, wouldn't you?



Not even animals leave their babies - why do humans?

Diana - posted on 03/05/2012

This is actually a classic sign of Post-Partum Depression (PPD). One of the things that they tell you to look for is being overprotective and it sounds like this qualifies as overprotective.



You often hear about women not wanting to have anything to do with their baby or crying a lot, but some of the less publicized signs are overprotectiveness, irritibility, and/or feeling downright angry.



Post-Partum Depression is especially common if there is a history of depression in the family or if the pregnancy was unplanned.



I suffered from PPD with my second child. She was an unexpected surprise. I was very protective over her...it was like "Instincts Gone Wild". I also became very irritible. I didn't realize that I had a problem until 4 months after my daughter was born & my husband surprised me with a massage at a local salon. When I got back I felt just as angry and shrewish as when I left. My husband (who is a kind, caring, compassionate man) was extremely patient and understanding up until that point. He finally snapped at me and told me that I was miserable and being just plain mean and he couldn't stand to be around me anymore. He told me that I needed help because I wasn't myself...then he left for the weekend on a trip that he had planned. Needless to say, that really didn't go over well, but it was enough to make me start thinking. I started to realize that he was right. I didn't really like being around myself either. LOL. I remember being in the shower and saying out loud, "What the h*ll is wrong with me?" No sooner did I hear the words when I realized that I had PPD. Acknowledging it was so freeing. I went to see my OB/GYN the following Monday. When I told them what it was for, they got me in immediately.



Once I got help for it I felt sooo much better. I am fairly certain that all the sleeping that my baby was NOT doing was because of me. Once I was calm and relaxed, she was more calm and relaxed and slept more often. She is 9 years old now and such an emotional intuitive child. She just has a special way of just knowing when someone has something bothering them & wanting to help. I think that as a baby she was reacting to my emotions.



If your husband's family is caring and are good people, then her not wanting anyone to touch the baby probably has more to do with her than anyone else.



Here is a link to a website that I found on PPD.http://www.postpartum.net/Get-the-Facts/... As I said, even on here they don't really mention the overprotective aspect of PPD. It was my OB/GYN who told me about it. But if you can feel uninterested in your child, why not overinterested? My sister was also the same way. I used to refer to her as the "Wolf Mother" up until I had kids of my own & got to experience it first hand. LOL.



Good Luck!

Julianne - posted on 03/05/2012

@Wendy. Marriage has nothing to do with the stability of their relationship. I know plenty of unwed couples who have a sound, strong relationship. Even stronger than some married people.

Maria - posted on 03/05/2012

I agree with wendy on this one, from what you posted and the way that your talking about her or your obvious lack of respect for their relationship and their family, her problem seems to be that she doesn't like you or your family and the way you treat her. You do realize that once they had a baby together in the eyes of the law she became his common-law wife right. As well as they have a child together and should be living together just the same as your husband lives with you and your kids. If you treat her with such a lack of respect that you bad-mouth her and gossip about her behind her backto her spouse why would she want you to hold or be near her child so you can do it to the baby. As far as your brother in law is concerned the fact that she threw a "fit" when he gave their child to your mother in law because he got spit up on more than likely means two things. Firstly that he tells her what you people say about her behind her back and they have discussed it, so now she doesn't want anything to do with you unless she has to, and he didn't stand up for his family that he created and tell you guys to shape up and grow up or ship out and stop gossiping and talking crap about his wife so she has to be the bad guy. And two that he may not be the most responsible, supporting, or attentive father in the first place as evidenced from him not taking responsibility and committing from day one of him creating that child, and clearly not having the balls to tell you people to mind your own business and to keep your comments to a minimum and to stop being rude and disrespectful to his family, and not protecting the needs of his child and his wife by considering their needs to be respected and their feelings on the matter when they aren't and the longterm effects of your comments and actions and what they imply will happen in the future. Parents get spit up on and pooped on and peed on you cant just hand off your kid when things get messy they are not toys or pets, so if that is his go to response why would she trust him.

Christy - posted on 03/04/2012

That is not normal behavior. She has some issues that need to be dealt with, IMO.

Christine - posted on 03/04/2012

She obviously has her own reasons for not wanting him or anyone alone with the baby without here there. Whether they are right or wrong nobody can say that because they don't know her reasons. And nobody can solve the problem but her and her husband. Its between them. Not his family or her family. They are their own family and having a baby either makes you or breaks you as a couple. And no amount of interference on anyone's part will help and frankly speaking from having meddling in laws it doesn't help it makes it worse. And I agree with the previous comment stated above if they know everything your husband and family are saying to him and pushing him to do I personally don't blame her for not wanting anybody alone with the baby she probably thinks your going to try and take off with her kid if she isn't around. Family is family. wheather its your brothers girlfriend or wife its someone he had a child with and that makes her part of the long term picture so instead of pushing him to leave her and fight for custody which will do nothing but hurt them and hurt the baby try to understand where she is coming from and why sit down and talk with her see what makes her feel that way and go from there. You just might be surprised at what she has to say and maybe everyone can work through this without any unneeded drama. good luck

Wendy - posted on 03/04/2012

That's right Krista, he had to move in with her if he wanted to spend time with their baby. Why didn't he move in before they had a baby? Of course I'm a bit traditional and want to say why weren't they married before having a baby. Regardless you just know that he tells her what everyone else is saying about her.

Krista - posted on 03/04/2012

Wendy, from what I'm reading of the OP, the couple does live together.

Wendy - posted on 03/04/2012

They have a child together, they should be living together if this guy wants to see his kid. Why aren't they married? I don't think I would trust a guy with my baby if he doesn't want to marry me and doesn't even live with me.

I also wouldn't let any of his family or friends be with my baby. I am sure she isn't stupid and knows everything that is being said about her. Would you want people that don't like you to be alone with your baby? I think not.

What is she like when she is around her friends and family with the baby? That might be a whole different story.

Sure she might have ppd, a lot of moms do, but that is for her to do something about. If you think it is an issue you could talk to her about what it was like for you after you had your first baby.

My family still jokes about how no one got to hold my son until he was three months old, and even then I hated having anyone else hold him, feed him, or do anything else with him.

I say stop complaining about her to everyone, cause she is going to hear about it, and try being a supportive friend. Don't come at her with more advice, I am sure she gets enough unsolicited advice as it is. Hang out with her and get to know her, she needs mommy friends, not critics.

Stifler's - posted on 03/04/2012

She sounds like she has some sort of depression or paranoia or like Krista said a control issue. All I know is it doesn't sound healthy to not even let the child's father hold them.

Kirsty - posted on 03/04/2012

I NEVER left my daughter till she was 7 months old and then she could only stay with my parents, we were never apart an i breastfed till 1yo. She was also extremely sick at 4mo. Her father the 1 time i left her with him left her in a dirty nappy and crying, when i walked in after 20mins away, he jumped up grabbed her saying"i was just getting to her" clearly not soon enough as she was red faced and puffy. My daughter is now 2.5yo and has spent 2 nights away from me both being in the last 2 months and only with my parents... I was and still am a overprotective mother, but my daughter is well mannered, love playing with other kids, and plays kindly and well with all kids. I dont think OP should put all the blame on babys mum, some mothers find it hard to see what could happen if baby/ toddler is not in there care! But on the other hand if the father is trying hard and want to do his best, i also think the mother needs a kind word to explain" it took 2 to make this child and it is not fair to not allow the father to have his part of the child, but baby steps for overprotective parents.... if you push us we get angry and it will make things 10 times worse for you.

Melinda - posted on 03/04/2012

he should talk to their family doctor and take her to counseling. She may have post natal depression, listening to a Councillor tell her that her behaviors are extreme and harmful to her child may be the words she needs to hear, to shake this over the top behavior, also that saves causing a family rift if a family member tries to broach the subject, her thinking doesn't seem logical at all,the grandmother raised children and they are alive, obviously, and she is no more of an authority or immune to a 'dropping' mistake than the father of the child. This non logic says to me there is something wrong with her brain chemistry at the moment. get her help. be supportive. I wish u luck. and I hope she comes to understand she's depriving her baby of a family, a loving father and that's a horrible thing to do to a baby that the baby will resent her for when he grows.

Alexandra - posted on 03/03/2012

it sounds look post-partum depression that has not been diagnosed. I would suggest her to go see a doctor, or a psychiatrist, to see that babies are a little stronger than what we think! Besides, it is important for kids to be in the arms of everyone, not only the mom, so that they feel loved and touched ternderly by everybody.

In my opinion, she is doing harm to the baby. Not letting him stay home when sick and taking him shopping with her? Hmmm, this is not right!

Tina - posted on 03/03/2012

Seems like possibly it could be due to the fear ,when the baby was very sick as stated.I'm not sure of what kind of very very sick ,,it means but as a mother,there's this overwhelming desire to tend to,nurture,take care of our little ones,I could see how especially if the baby came home sick.

Hopefully as time goes by she will let the guard down and be able to see all the people around her that seems to be a really tight family full of love and understanding.

If not,its always best in my opinion to have everyone sit down like a family meeting,...always open the conversation with love,,,l,and be honest how you feel ,especially the father,whom has just as much right as the mom does,us mothers sometimes tend to think no one can take care of our young like we can but sooo far from the truth,,,our husbands ,may do it different than we do but just as good and the child needs both and both partners need to feel capable and able,then the family is also a great bonus to have

have the saying it takes a villiage to

Linda - posted on 03/03/2012

I think I was a bit the same, probably still am, it takes me a lot of discipline to stop worrying about my sons - 7 and 2 - when I am away from them. My husband is a great man but with our first son it took a lot for me to trust him, he had a lot of growing up to do and I had to learn to trust. The problem was that often I felt others couldn't do the best for my son, not helped when my mother in law spilled tea on his hand and didn't take him for immediate treatment or allowed him to eat sellotape which blocked his airways.



I remember my own grandmother being disgusted with me for always holding my son, he had a few health problems and needed to be kept upright a lot.



The person you are talking about may be exceptionally anxious and maybe depressed but needs everyones support not condemnation, not sure how how you can break down her barrier but maybe someone could just be a friend and hopefully she will come out of it. Maybe a quick word with her GP or health visitor if there is one so they can ensure the child's development is on track.

Wanda - posted on 03/03/2012

Hey Heather,

Im a 18 year old mother of a 16 month old and a 2 month old. What you are talking about is a little over the top, but I know that I didnt trust my boyfriends(now ex) parents one bit.. they constantly DEMANDED to see my son alone all the time and called me all kinds of names and threatening to call Childrens aid and lawyers because I didnt give in to everything they wanted. They smoke inside their house, and wanted my son to sleep over at their house without me or my ex. My childrens grandmother assulted me twice, once while I was holding my son in his carseat, and the other time while I was pregnant with my second son (and she knew that I was pregnant). Needles to say my ex's family DOES NOT see my kids any more, and the dad moved across the country and isnt in their lives either.



It sounds like the girlfriend has some major trust issues if she wont even leave the baby with the babies dad or her parents... But if its just the dads side of the family it could be that she just really doesnt trust them..

And, someone already said this, but just because you have kids doesnt mean that you have the same ways or views on parenting..

Kylie - posted on 03/03/2012

I had post natal depression after my son way born. I had anxiety attacks all the time that I found it very hard to control. I used to have a sever stress reaction if anyone but me had my son, even my husband. I felt like I was going mad I used to have these horrible nightmares about things happening to him.



I apparently only had a mild version. I could let others hold him, and things like that, but I would find it hard to let my husband bath him with out being there, just incase.



It seems like a more extreme version of what I had. Maybe she needs to talk to someone.

Krista - posted on 03/03/2012

Exactly. Not letting your husband be alone with your 5-month old is not simply a "different method of parenting". It's a control issue. And I can sympathize -- I have had those moments when I thought that my son would not sleep if anybody else tried to put him to bed, because they wouldn't do his routine right. But there comes a point where you just have to let it go!

Julianne - posted on 03/03/2012

It sounds like she has postpartum depression.

Teresa - posted on 03/03/2012

But not letting the father of your child care for his own son IS wrong. He's got just as much right to bond w/ that baby as the mother.... I'd agree w/ let the parents make the decisions and parent their way (w/in reason)... if BOTH parents were in agreement.

Mercede - posted on 03/03/2012

I think this is normal for many first time moms. I was the same with my first son, but I totally changed with the second one. Meanwhile, I think every parent is different and choose different methods of parenting, just because they are not like us does not mean that something is wrong with them. Just let them be the kind of parent they want to be.

Teresa - posted on 03/03/2012

Sounds like it could be a combination of PPD and massive overprotectiveness... While I was passing all of my kids around w/in the first 2 weeks (and none of them ever got sick) I can understand being a bit cautious in the first 2 or so months... and longer if it's cold/flu season or something, but at 5 months the overprotectiveness sounds quite extreme.



Perhaps your husband can talk to his brother about getting her in to see the doctor asap. Not trusting him w/ his own child is a red flag. Did she trust him before she decided to have a baby w/ him?

Krista - posted on 03/03/2012

Yeah, it's reasonable to be like this perhaps in the first few weeks of a baby's life, but the baby is now five months old.



And girlfriend is going to be in for a WORLD of trouble when the baby turns into a toddler and won't let anybody else be with him.



I would maybe just say to her gently, "You seem really anxious at the idea of anybody else taking care of the baby. I'm worried about you, because this isn't healthy for you or for the baby, and it's very upsetting to your husband to know that you don't even trust him with his own child."



Hopefully she'll grow out of it, but it might be worth her mentioning to her doctor, because no, I would say that this level of protectiveness is NOT normal.

Rene - posted on 03/03/2012

She may just be over protective. I am a protective mother as well. I didn't allow many people to hold my son either. Two main reasons: 1. Germs. It is extremely dangerous for babies under 7 months to get RSV. For an adult or older child, it is a simple cold. For an infant, it can be deadly. Not to mention the million other things a person can pass. I only let the grandparents and our siblings hold the baby. They had to wash their hands before hand. Under 6 months, they were not allowed to kiss his face or hands. They could kiss other parts of his body. His pediatrician was the one that gave me those rules and we followed them. Once we stopped that, my son at 7 months did get RSV. It was awful. He was horribly sick for 15 days. He suffered damage to his lungs which did not get better until he was 2 years old. 2. Babies are not toys. (Hate that people treat babies that way.)



I also did not let my son go places without me. I breastfeed my son, so it was difficult to be away from him in that regard. He was a big baby and a big eater. The few times I was away from him (wedding & a shower) I had to pump to relieve myself and to stop leaking. He also did not like taking a bottle so I would worry about him not eating enough. Then when he was 5 months old he had 18 seizures in 3 days. He spent a week in the hospital. Then at 7 months, he had RSV and developed asthma as a result. Needless to say after that I did not spend any time away from him again until he was 18 months old. At 19 months, I left him alone with my husband for a half hour and he split the back of his head open and needed 5 staples. Grrr..... Once my son was over 2 and was healthy (no seizures since 5 months old, no medication, no breathing problems), I started to get out a bit more without him. I only let grandparents or my husband watch him though. And I would never leave him if he was sick. My son is almost 3 now. He is a very intelligent, happy, social little boy. He doesn't have any issues because his mom was always around.



Another thought, maybe since your bother in law and his girlfriend are not married she does not feel comfortable with his family. It is also possible she has some concerns about certain people. And it doesn't matter who else has kids or been around children. This is her child. This child is her love, her responsibility. He still is such a little baby. Babies should be with their mothers. That is the most important relationship. When the child is older, he will have plenty of time and opportunity to interact with others without his mother around. People should respect her as the mother. If people in the father's family want a relationship with the child, they need to do it on the mother's terms. Why can't she be there? If people respect her wishes and show her that they are going to follow her rules for her child, then over time she will feel more comfortable with them around her child.



Speak to your bother in law. He should have some insight to what her concerns are. If he doesn't, then that may be a part of the problem: lack of communication.



There are all different kinds of mothers. Some people think she is crazy because she wants to be with her baby all the time and do everything for him. And some people think its crazy when a mom spends most of her time away from her baby and let other people do most of the things for them.

Carla - posted on 03/03/2012

I would say she has Post- partum, My Sister -in-law had symptoms like this when she had a child .. She should go to see a doctor..

Isel - posted on 03/03/2012

It is symple sweety , is call postpartum stress she needs profecional help I personally have a friend that is going through the same situation , counsueling is a big help. She needs profesionals. Good luck really!!

Jen - posted on 03/03/2012

Could be a case of post-partum. Could also be that she was neurotic before she had the baby and this is her new obsesion coupled with the first-time mommy paranoia that we all endure. Probably gently suggesting she speak to her obgyn or a counselor (to her husband) would be a nice thing to do.

Raquel - posted on 03/02/2012

It seems to be the general feeling that she may be suffering from some anxiety or PPD. You initially asked for a way to help her then posted again and said what you really think. If your BIL is not happy with the relationship, he should certainly take legal steps towards protecting his rights as the child's father, however I wouldn't suggest using that as a bargaining tool, he should do it even if they stay together, especially if they are not married and have separate residences.



YOU could possibly help her by supporting her and letting her know you understand how she feels, even if you truly don't. Maybe you can plan a day to go to the park, a busy park, one with lots of mothers and small children. Sit on a park bench and direct her attention towards other mothers and how they interact with their children. Be honest with her and let her know you are concerned about her, the child and your BIL. Let her see what's healthy and she will most likely come to the conclusion on her own...with some gentle prodding from you and time.



Good luck to the both of you.

Bernadette - posted on 03/02/2012

sounds a bit beyond over protectiveness. She is making a rod for her own back too, because it will mean a LOT more work she making for herself and it will probably get to the point where the baby won't go to anyone else and she'll have to deal with everything, all the time. I hope she's prepared for how stressful that will be, as the only breaks she'll get are when the baby is sleeping. It could be a form of post natal depression, although I have a feeling she may not be receptive of any suggestions to see someone about it?



Unfortunately I don't really have any suggestions as I have no personal experience with something like this, especially if she isn't receptive of advice, however well-meaning. I don't know, maybe just offer to do things such as change his nappy, feed him a bottle or whatever, and emphasise that it's so she can do whatever she might need to do - shower, get dinner started, etc. Maybe just by taking small steps, doing these little things that only require her to let other people take charge of him just for a few minutes she might start to realise that other people are capable too, and start to trust them more. That's about all I can suggest, really...

Pamela - posted on 03/02/2012

Sounds like she is overprotective and seems to have some deep emotional issues attached to the over protectiveness. Perhaps she is simply being the kind of mother she had. We do learn most of our parenting skills from our parents, or someone who reared us if it was not a biological parent.



You might gently suggest some parenting materials for her to read or purchase some from a bookstore and give as a gift.

It may be very difficult for her to "see" herself at this time so referring to her behavior specifically would probably cause other problems.



May you all find a way to be more included in the baby's life and may she find a way to step back and allow others to love her child too! Good luck!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 03/02/2012

I have to say that I relate to what this girl is going through. I had similar feelings after the birth of my first child. I felt so overwhelmed and felt the only way I could know for sure that she was alright, was if I held her. I was very grateful to have a family that was supportive of me during this time. I slept very little and worried a lot. And I did need to learn that I could trust other people with her. My second daughter, it was easy and I had none of these fears. I think you might find it more beneficial to the situation to demonstrate through your support that you care about her and the child. It may be that she is aware that your husband is always telling her boyfriend to break up with her and sue for custody and that this is feeding her distrust.

Angela - posted on 03/02/2012

How to treat her? You might need to try and understand her. How does she interact with her family, friends, etc... Try and befriend her... She might be over protective, but this is her first child and probably loves him more than anything and age might also have something to do with it also. A new mom is pretty fragile and has probably had her ear filled with every advice from everyone. I know of a girl who was the same way and now she's fine. Give her time.

Sarah - posted on 03/02/2012

I wonder if she has some sort of attachment disorder or anxiety postpartum. Anxiety could cause this, and totally treatable with medication. She may also need to speak to a therapist. Her hubby should talk to her about this concern, its not normal, no.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/02/2012

This is a bit extreme, but can be pretty typical of first time moms. Sounds like she needs to start trusting other people, she is going to smother the poor kid.

Bonnie - posted on 03/02/2012

Some new moms are just not comfortable with anything. Needless to say, he is what, 5 months now? He isn't a newborn anymore. Not as delicate and can likely hold his own head. At this point she may be taking it too far, it's hard to say.



Chances are he may not want to be around anyone else when it comes time to them needing a sitter and he may turn out to be a clingy child. Not that there is anything wrong with that within reason, but it could turn out to be an issue for the parents down the road.

Kay - posted on 03/02/2012

This is kind of extreme behavior, but the range of "normal" for a new mom is pretty wide.



Your BIL's girlfriend really needs to understand that it isn't healthy for the baby for her to coddle him constantly--children need interaction with different people so that they learn that, in a nutshell, it's okay to interact with people. Furthermore, dads tend to play a very particular role in a child's development--usually it is dad that falls into the role of a risk-taker, and thus teaches children that they are okay to take risks. That moment when he tosses a toddler up in the air and catches him squealing and as a mom your heart jumps into your throat? Yeah, it's an important part of a child realizing that he can rely on his parents to "catch" him (literally and figuratively). Nurturers (which it sounds like your BIL's girlfriend definitely falls into) are important too, as they teach children that they are loved and safe. But both roles are important to the child's development.



Right now, it sounds like she does not see that she is doing her son no favors. I really don't know how you would handle this, but perhaps suggesting family activities together or something to get her out of her comfort zone and acclimate her to the family as a whole can help? It can be very difficult to feel like you are an outsider when you have a baby in a family that you are not "married into", so to speak.



Good luck.

Heather - posted on 03/02/2012

He has had to move into her house, so that he can be near his son. His parents rarely see him, and my husband has told him to break up with her, take her to court and get a court order that allows him to have his son, 50/50. I thiink there is something wrong in her head, that she feels the way that she does.



He has been around kids his entire life. His cousin has 4 kids, and he helps out with them, just like his brother and I do. I have a son, and my husband has a daughter. I think I know how to raise a child. I didnt get a chance to add this to the previous post.