Part-time Daddy...or no Daddy at all?

[deleted account] ( 14 moms have responded )

Mom to a previously happy and cheerful 3 year old. My boyfriend (not my sons father, but the only Daddy he has ever known) moved out of our house last week after living with us for the past 9 months. My son is devastated. Today was his first day back at pre-school since his Daddy left, and he got in trouble for hitting and kicking the other kids and the teacher. I want to minimize the frustration and confusion he is feeling, and I need your opinions. My boyfriend stayed away for 5 days, but then came for a visit. He wants to come back a few times a week to see us. There is a good chance he may come back home eventually. Is it going to be more traumatic to my son to have his daddy out of his life completely, or to have a part-time daddy, while we try and figure things out?

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Shawn - posted on 12/15/2010

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TONYA, LET HIM KNOW RELATIONSHIPS WITH CHILDREN ARE VERY DIFFERENT THAN RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADULTS.
Shawn

Angie - posted on 12/15/2010

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Be careful about introducing someone to you son who may not be permanent. Having this man in and out of his life isn't a good idea. When you are 100% sure that this is a permanent relationship, let him back into your son's life. Think about how hurt and abandoned you felt the day he moved out. Now think about a small child who doesn't understand why he is coming and going. It's obvious that he is having trouble with this, try to keep the trauma to a minimum. Continue to date him, he doesn't have to come to your house and you don't even need tell your son who you are with.

Libertymonster - posted on 12/15/2010

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a part time is better than no daddy at all. my husband is in the military, the girls only see him maybe one day a week lately, well it's been that way for the past 2 years. he gets home way to late at night to see them and some months he's working 7 days a week and they don't see him at all. it's hard on everyone but the time that is spent together is time worth spent. it makes them happy, makes them feel confident in themselves and they get quality time, not quantity of time. there's a huge difference.

Amber - posted on 12/14/2010

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Thank you. Hopefully I will find love one day.

In my earlier post I was referring to the boyfriend when I was talking about joint custody or a parenting plan. I assumed the "sperm donor" wasn't around since you never mentioned him. I'm not sure why they would tell you to keep him away unless he was coming you and your son some kind of harm but it doesn't seem like that at all so I'm glad you came on here to ask us moms because I think him stayin away would probably cause more hurt then him being there. I'm sorry about your "sperm donor" and the problems that I'm sure he has caused (been there lol). I really hope things workout for you and your son whatever that maybe. Keep me updated, I would really like to know what happens in the future. If you don't mind of course!

[deleted account]

My son's sperm donor has a restraining order preventing him from forever (hopefully) even seeing my son, or even knowing where we live. Drugs and Domestic Violence. So there is no joint custody...no back and forth. My boyfriend of the last year is the only daddy my son knows...and I am very hopeful that things will work out. He can't stand being away from us, but we both have some issues to work through becasue of our past relationships. We've loved each other for 20 years, just aren't real good at communicating when things get sressful. He is a wonderful man though. My son adores him. I do hope that we work it out. I think it is important for him to stay in my sons life while we try, rather than put my son through keeping them apart only to have him come back later. A lot of people though have been telling me to keep him away. Thats why I came here...to you other moms!

I wish you and your daughter the best, and I hope you find the love that you both deserve, sooner rather than later. Don't give up hope. We make our own luck, Just be the best mother, the best woman that you can be...he'll find you, and then he will be the lucky one :)

Amber - posted on 12/14/2010

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I completely understand. I was in a similar situation as far as deciding what is best for my daughter but I had to choose to cut ties with my daughters "sperm donor" due to drinking/drug problems being in and out of jail CONSTANTLY so I get how hard it is to choose what is best for your child. People do joint custody and stuff like that all the time and sometimes it works out for them and sometimes it doesn't. You will have to choose a parenting plan that is right for the dad, you and your son because either way it goes you it's gonna be hard on him because he is going from having you both there to having you both one at a time. He will adjust to it and be fine but one thing I would advise is making sure you both are on the same page as far as how you want to be raised and things like that so it isn't a problem in the future. I think your son is very lucky to have parents like you. Sometimes I wish I had someone to help and care for my daughter but sometimes we arn't that lucky.

Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you say he might be moving back in with you guys, so there might be a chance for you two to work things out. I hope things work out for you and your son!

[deleted account]

Thank you for your thoughts Amber. I do trust him completely. BIO father is not in our lives for a very good reason. THIS man, I chose to be my son's Daddy. I'm just worrie about what it is doing to my son emotionally. My son always comes first, my pain doesnt matter...just sparing him from anymore.

Amber - posted on 12/14/2010

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Have to disagree with some of you sometimes no daddy is better then a part time dad in certain situation's of course, but with yours i think it's great that he wants to be part of your life especially if he is good to you and your son. Just because you are not together doesn't mean he's a "part time dad" granted he's not around as much as you but then again your son lives with you. I would also consider you lucky because this man doesn't have any legal right to have to see or help your son but he wants to and that is wonderful that he want's to remain in his life.

Now with that said since he doesn't have any legal rights to your son if you don't feel like you can trust him don't want him around your son that's up to you. IMO I think you should let him remain in his life. Wish you the best!

Erica - posted on 12/14/2010

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If your son does not have his Bio Dad in his life then YES...let him be there!!!! I do think a good long talk with the BF would be a good idea. Make sure you are on the same page

Emily - posted on 12/14/2010

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Part-time is better than nothing.
In the future I would probably insist that before he moves back in, he needs to be ready to make a serious committment to you and your son. If it was me, I wouldn't let him back in without a ring on my finger. Your son is too important and deserves nothing less.

[deleted account]

Thanks Teresa. That's kind of how I feel about it...guess I'll talk to they boyfriend tonight when he comes for a visit and make sure he understands that if he's staying in my sons life, he has to stay in it. My little boy's life doesnt have a revolving door.

[deleted account]

If the man wants to remain involved in your son's life whether the 2 of you are together or not and he is a positive influence in your son's life.... part-time Daddy is way better than no Daddy. That's what you need to discuss w/ this man before deciding what action to take right now. If he's not in it for the long haul then I 'think' it might be better w/ no contact, but I don't know for sure as I've never been in your situation and don't know him or your son in any way. Good luck!

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