Paternity fraud

~Jennifer - posted on 05/15/2010

Thank you, Ladies, for your responses to this thread.

Sandy - posted on 05/15/2010

some states make you pay if you say you are the parent even it it comes back that you are not. If you are married in some states and not the parent you have to pay child support,,,

Tanya - posted on 05/15/2010

My previous post above was actually for Amber. I am not sure why I put Tracy? It's on this page. So many names I probably got mixed up!

@Jodie,
You made a really good point. You would be very offended if your husband asked you to sign an affidavit. Okay… That is probably why most men don’t ask their partners who they trust to do a paternity test. Why would they want to offend and violate what they think to be a trusting relationship or marriage? As it stands right now, a man has a choice to sign the affidavit or not. What I am proposing is not something by choice to where the mother is offended. If the father does choose to sign the affidavit, then the mother will have to sign acknowledging the man is the father. If the father signs then the mother must sign. If he chooses not to sign, then the mother is not obligated to sign either. He won’t have to feel shameful and offend his partner by asking her to sign an affidavit. It’s a very simple concept and to the point. Man signs then woman must sign. If man doesn’t sign, then woman is not obligated to sign.
Sure… some women do stupid things like this and laws need to be changed to reflect that. For instance, some people are pretty annoyed about all the new airline rules when they travel. They feel that it’s violating their privacy rights and very inconvenience. We are not all terrorists, but there are terrorists out there, so we have to enforce rules to prevent security threats. While these issues are completely different from each other in all aspects, it’s the same concept. Just because a select few vindictive women do others wrong, doesn’t mean we can’t enforce rules to help protect those that fall victim to their crimes. It can prevent complex issues from arising later.

Amber - posted on 05/12/2010

I don't get why all of you are saying to sue the mom for full custody just because he has to pay child support? It's bad enough he's dropping out of her life but know you want her to lose her mom too???? Everyone has different opinions about what is "fit and unfit"
for all we know the chick that posted this could be an unfit mother!!!

Vette - posted on 05/12/2010

Whereas I feel for the fraud aspect, sounds like itz a money issue for you as well. What about the child that sees him as Dad. Hez just going to walk away bc he found out shez not his. That is cruel. The baby is innocent and is being punished by your partner. How fair is that? If the court says he still has to pay, make it worth it and sue the mom for full custody!

Dawn - posted on 05/12/2010

Oh. Thank you Jodi, but what is CoM's solicitation policy?

Jodi - posted on 05/12/2010

Dawn, that particular post was deleted for violation of CoM's solicitation policy.

Dawn - posted on 05/12/2010

@ Tanya...there was a post I read on here from someone who specializes in cases like this...hope you saw it...sounded like a good place to start or at least check into....

Dawn - posted on 05/12/2010

@ Tanya Good for you for holding your own!! I really wish the best in this difficult situation. None of us who are responding know you, including myself, so in my opinion none of us should judge you. I really hope your boyfriend will do right by that little girl that she (may) knows to be her father, because she is the innocent party in this situation, but I agree that the law needs to change. I think that any decent person with any decency should or would want the child, but that's just me. I think the law should state that if the mother purposely leads a man on to think that the child(ren) is/are his, and paid his support and spent time w/ the kid(s), then he should have the option of taking the kid(s) away from the "unfit" mother...proved thru court of course!

Good luck to you and yours :)

Rica - posted on 05/12/2010

Well since you have already had a test done you should be able to take the paper work back to your court system and they should be able to drop the order. Also (this is the harder part) your boyfriend my ask the court to order her to pay back all the support that he gave to her since she got the money under false information. As soon as he can have him remove his name from the birth certificate. Since is sounds like he is not seeing the child much at the mother's fault he do need to find some way to write the child a letter letting her/him know that he loves her/him very much but to keep from breaking his heart and the child's heart he must take a step back. This is going to take a big toll on the family and even your relationship, so before you start the fight you must be strong enough to stand behind him 100%. When your ready to have a petition going around I will be the first to sign. I have not been through this, but I have a deadbeat that I deal with so I would never want a guy who is doing right by the family should not be lumped this a$$ holes. I'm also trying to see if there is a law to force one to sign over rights after they have not done anything in the child's best interest after so many years. Trust me I feel your pain.

Jodi - posted on 05/10/2010

Well, I, for one, would be absolutely insulted if my husband asked me to sign an affidavit just because a minority of women can't keep their pants on, and because a minority of men want to dump a 7 year old girl to get out of child support. But that's just me.

Robin - posted on 05/09/2010

Dear Ms. Frustrated,

My boyfriend went through the same thing that your boyfriend is going through right now but his story is just a tad different. His name was put on the birth certificate too, paid child support then when the child was 7 years old and wrapped around his little finger did he find out that she wasn't his. He went to court fought for custody. He proved that the mother was unfit with her "partying" ways, the state took the child away from her, and since he financially raised the child to this point adopted her. She is now 18. Hope this helps a little. A friend in California. Robin

Tanya - posted on 05/09/2010

@Sharon
I didn't say that people should test every child born. I think it could cost lots of tax dollars to operate such a thing. I don't know if it would also raise HIPAA violations. That is why I said mothers should sign an affidavit just like the fathers do. It's cost effective and doesn't violate any privacy rights. I agree that the whores as you call them lol shouldn't get away with it. My boyfriend and I weren't planning on having a child until we moved in but it happened. Also, when I had my son he was working.

Sharon - posted on 05/09/2010

Tracy was a little over the top and I don't agree with the mother not being punished. the bio mom was looking for a free a ride and hit the first sucker she could in order to get $$$. Those people are criminals. Some have sex with people to HAVE a child in order to get money. Others are less bright and grab at the first idiot who fucks them to hit them up with a paternity claim.

The sad fact is, it is to late for your bf to get out of this.

He just needs to suck it up and focus on the innocent child in this. She needs guidance and a good role model.

If he can't afford to pay his child support, I'm guessing he can't afford to fight this issue on the scale it needs to be. The state counts on this.

Just because your boyfriend was stupid enough to sleep with a whore and believe her lies, doesn't mean everyone in this world is a liar. Testing every man, woman & child in this world to ascertain paternity is stupid.

This isn't a catastrophe, it does suck though.

If people SIMPLY stopped whoring around with every wet spot and hard wood they come across this wouldn't be an issue.

What I've always wondered about during the course of this thread is, if he couldn't afford the child he legally responsible for, why did he make another one?

Tanya - posted on 05/09/2010

@ Tracy
First of all let me just tell you that calling me a liar is a little out of line. You ruined my otherwise perfect mother’s day dinner. You don’t know of me, my boyfriend, or my family for that matter. Secondly, what reason do I have to lie? It really serves me no purpose here. There is nothing wrong with me being able to provide for my kids; it doesn’t mean that he does. There’s no family budget, because he has his account and bills, and then I have my accounts and bills as well. Things will change once we are married I’m sure. I would also be very upset when we get married and CS put my income in his CS Payments. I will not pay another woman to sit on her ass, while I am working mine off for my kids. Not happening… Finally, my boyfriend is a dead beat father in your eyes and it’s okay because you don’t know him. You’re very much entitled to your opinion as I am with mine. I see him everyday with my kids, so I know that he’s not only a good dad, he’s also a good person. The mothers are dead beat mothers because they lie and depend on men to take care of their children.
I am not making excuses for my boyfriend. He has considered the course of action, and determined that this is the best for both him and the little girl. He also had advice from lawyers who said this is the route to go. We don’t know if she has been seeing the bio dad or not. However, he barely sees her and will not pay her mother just for everything to stay the same. You can say it’s wrong and I can see it from your POV as well. He also would have been glad to let everything be, had the CS system not force him to pay. There’s also no compromise on their end (CS) when he doesn’t have a job. I would be glad to buy what the child needs and have her over more if the mother was willing. It’s not like I wasn’t before. My boyfriend just doesn’t like the idea of forcing him to pay what they think he should pay when it’s not his biological child that he barely sees.
Technology has taken over our modern world and DNA testing is no different. I firmly believe that the laws written ages ago should be changed to reflect the life people are living today. Mothers should most definitely get prosecuted if it’s determined that they misled the fathers. It’s no mistake to deliberately lie to a man and make him think he is the father of a child. If they are in a committed relationship, what reason would they have to think the child is not theirs unless the person tells them? Why would they have to worry about testing when there is no indication (that they know of) that they should. There are a few people who do testing at birth and maybe they should. Other than the laws put in place to discourage such behavior, there should also be preventative measures put in place to prevent catastrophes such as this. I’ve mentioned before that we make dads sign an affidavit. Why not make the mothers sign one acknowledging that the father she has appointed is the only father and there is no other possibility that any man could be the father. Most women were standing up against the mandatory testing at birth that they proposed because of the cost and privacy issues. This would be a very cost effective that is fair to both the men and women. Most importantly, there should be more resources for women so that they can make a living without feeling they need a man to provide for them and their children.

Emily - posted on 05/09/2010

I'm not sure if it's a state by state thing, but in Washington, it doesn't matter if the father is biological or not, if he signed as the father when the baby was born, he is liable until the child is 18. It's completely unfair but unfortunately there is no way out once it starts.

Leah - posted on 05/09/2010

When a court ordered paternity test comes back that the child is not his, I believe it would be just like any other fraudulent claim. In those cases the money has to be paid back, and your boyfriends' situation should be no different. Especially when the given timelime should indicate that a child that should be his is not due to her infidelity while in the relationship. She willfully led him to believe that it's his child when she knew that might not, or could not, be his. Child support fraud, like insurance or identity fraud, is a crime. Shame on on Washington states' legislators for allowing men, and children, to be victimized by opportunistic mothers.

Louise - posted on 05/09/2010

hi i don't live in the usa but i think this is really really unfair and i agree with you 100% good luck with getting this sorted out.

Crystal - posted on 05/08/2010

by law his name is on the the birth cert so he has to i woul dask a lawyer abt it and i think its wromg that he stopped seeing her its not her fault her mom cant stick with one guy the child knows him as her father why take it out on the child be her father and take her to court and take the child just because they are not blood doesnt mean he can tbe her father my daddy raise my 3 sister they were not his they know their dad and they will tell u my daddy his their father my husband his family hte same way blood does make u family but u can make ur own family out of love

Jennifer - posted on 05/08/2010

you should definitely take this to court. I don't see how things wouldn't work out in your favor.

Susan - posted on 05/08/2010

He needs to get a good lawyer. It will cost him but in the long run I would think that would be worth it. That poor child is going to be very messed up in life but he really needs to try to move on with his. Best of luck to you. I hope that things work out. It really breaks my heart when people play games with children like that woman is adn when they take advantage of those with good hearts.

Amber - posted on 05/08/2010

Ok I have been reading this thread for quite awhile now, and it's completely pissing me off.
Tanya I think you are a bit in denial, your beating around the bush and and making excuses for your boyfriend because he is being a deadbeat dad. If he wasn't ready for a child and wanted to abandon it he should have
A) Signed over his rights at birth
B) Actually been a father and fought for his fricking rights
C) Automatically asked for a paternity test.

It's as simple as that.
For example: When me and my son's father broke up he asked me for a paternity test because he thought it was the responsible thing to do, he decide because he was SO IN LOVE WITH HIS SON he didnt want one and and was going to be his father no matter what ( I know for a fact he is his child)
I don't ask for child support even though he makes more money than me because HE HAS HIM HALF THE TIME AND IS AN AMAZING FATHER!

Example 2) In the case of my daughter we know that there is a small chance that her father may not be her biological father, the government offered us a free paternity test and we thought about doing it but there was no need my daughters dad has been there throughout my pregnancy and her whole life and nothing is going to change that! He is going to stand by his daughter no matter what because HE IS A REAL MAN AND A GOOD FATHER!

Tanya your boyfriend is being selfish and a deadbeat lowlife,
and frankly your no better, your sitting here making excuses of why it is ok for him to abandon HIS DAUGHTER!
And NO the mother should NOT BE CHARGED! sure she should have told him but his mistake is worse than than hers.
He knows for a fact that dropping that little girl out of his life is going to be traumatic for her, he should stay in her life and they can still pursue her biological father and the little girl should decide when she's older who she truly sees as her daddy.

It seems like you keep making excuses and lies, you say he can't even support your child because he's to broke from paying his ex but then you say your well off and dont need a man's money! If you are still with him he shouldn't be paying you support it should be coming out of the family budget. And you said you aren't ready to live with him after 6 years but you were ready to sleep with him and make a baby!!! What the hell is wrong with this picture! Grow up get a house together to cut down on your guy's finances raise your child TOGETHER and TELL HIM TO STEP UP AND RAISE HIS OTHER DAUGHTER AND REALIZE HES JUST BITCHING ABOUT THE MONEY! HE SHOULD LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS, NOT AN EQUATION!!!

Jodi - posted on 05/08/2010

Quoting Tanya
"I don't know how it's morally right for a mother to lie and get away with it! Was she thinking about her child? No the hell she wasn't so why all of a sudden all the men are bad because of what the mothers did in the first place."

I don't think anyone is saying that what the mother did is right. But dumping the child who has formed an emotional attachment to the only daddy she has ever known is not right either. So just because the mother did the wrong thing, the child should be punished? Of course she was not thinking about the child. But two wrongs don't make a right, and sometimes, someone has to step up and take the moral high ground for the sake of the child.

Tanya - posted on 05/08/2010

@ann

I was with my boyfriend one year later after he broke up with his ex. It really doesn't matter and have no relevance with the issue at hand. We're still together so I don't know what the issue is with that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it to me. You have your preference in how you approach a potential relationship, and I have mine. To me the length of time between then and his previous relationship didn't matter. Since your daughter is 16, I assume you're older than me. I am only 27 and again don't restrict myself to limitations like that if I feel we're right for each other. In this case we were and still are. You don't need blood to do a paternity test. Just a couple of swabs in the mouth will do the job. Of course we used a certified lab to test lol. Are there any other places it can be done at? If so I didn't know they exist. Money driven would be correct1 Mothers who like and pick who they want the father of their children to be because they want to secure their future financially. There's also other things like health care insurance. I also take care of my kids on my own, and I don't say anything bad about my ex husband despite the physical and mental abuse he put me through. I never said the children were not affected with the mother's stupidity. All the children involved are affected both the duped dad's children and the other children. I don't know how it's morally right for a mother to lie and get away with it! Was she thinking about her child? No the hell she wasn't so why all of a sudden all the men are bad because of what the mothers did in the first place. They should be held accountable for committing fraud point bland and simple.

Ann - posted on 05/08/2010

I agree with you whole-heartedly with Amy Lee. This child has been 'dropped' because she's not his blood?! Pathetic. Did he not have an emotional attachment to her? I guess none of you would ever consider an 'adopted' as your own. This 'paternity' test was 'took one of those'...what, like a pregnancy test? I believe it would have to have been administered (blood drawn) and properly analyzed by a certified lab. The child would have had to have blood drawn for this.....and her Mother was not aware that she was going to have blood drawn? All the crap about child support...in most responses. I am a single parent, and if her father did not pay support that month, I never would cut her off from seeing him, because in the end, it's only the child that suffers from these abusive games of adults. My child is not a pawn and I have always been able to provide for her (irregardless of my X-husbands financial assistance). As she grew (now 16) she realized that it was Mom making everything happen in her life. I didn't need to demonize him either. Again, that would have only hurt her. Where do the children really fit in with this insane argument? Who's got the best interests of the child at heart? Wanting to know about her biological family...if this is indeed not the father (who really knows since he 'took one of those tests?' sure sounds unscientific), the actual sperm donor could have been a complete stranger in a one night stand. When do the children really come first. Also, you were with this man 6 months after his relationship with the mother ended?? I would never even date a man who had been 'single' for less than 3 years. One, big, sad, money driven post I think!

Tonya - posted on 05/08/2010

No matter how you look at it an attorney needs to be involved. It is not about the money issue for an attorney to get involved it is about the paternity issue. As an attorney knows how to go around the loop holes of child support and the court order. There should be something done about this and soon. A judge does not look happily at a mother who lies about the father's paternity. The attorney can possibly get it to where this mother pays ever dime of child support back to him if another test is taken and it proves he is not the father and she might get fined for lying just to get money out of him. Good luck and if she actually knew what the scoop was and that there was a possibility he did not father the child she might could get charges on her but not sure on that part but it is worth checking into. Good luck

Donna - posted on 05/08/2010

I'm not trying to sound like a victim. I am a sirvivor of physical and emotional abuse for 10 years. HE (duped dad) has scarred me so, that I am no longer allowed to have children. One night when I was being hung out the attic window by my feet, with items shoved into my orifices and be kept as a rug. Your right, your very right that I was wrong to cheat, I don't like cheaters. we married young 22 yrs old, had no idea what to expect. I've learned alot from that part of my life. I guessed tha'ts what makes it good to be counseling woman who get abused by their spouses. thx for yr comment.

Tanya - posted on 05/08/2010

Donna

You're calling your ex an idiot because he was blind to your lies and deceit? I say your the idiot because you lied and thought you were getting away with it. At least your child knows the truth and his college (one of the most important things) is set for him. I wish women like you would not make stupid choices. you may not be, but I would be embarrassed to cause everyone heartache and still think calling him an idiot is okay. Maybe next time you have another child be up front with all the men you slept with so they know there may be some possibility of them not being the father. Just out of curiosity, what motivated you to do something like this. I just want to see if I can see it from your POV. Did you not want to tell you cheated? Or was it financial reasons? Or did you just not care at all? BTW, the bio dad still needs to pay. A cosign for a loan is just a cosign. It's not like she's paying for it. Your son is still going to have to pay all the money back, unless the mom has agreed to pay it back for him. If you're son doesn't pay it can hurt the mom's credit, so maybe that will make her pay. It's not the mom's responsibility anyway so that was nice of her. I think if you do get authorities in involved and the real dad is ordered to pay for all those years, I would say half goes to the duped dad. For the times when you were married and he was blind, plus the 4 months he paid. Yes the real father should pay up, and so should you. You're not the innocent victim in all this.

Donna - posted on 05/08/2010

Yes I do have something to say about this! When I decided to divorce my husband, he paid 4 months of child support. I knew and some of friends knew that he was not my son's real father. No one said anything, he was blind to the whole thing. (what an idot! I cheated once, so I knew who is real father is. During the divorce he brought up the subject of said paternity, did the test, showed he was not my son's real father. He wouldn't even my son's hands when we were in the mall or whichever case it may be. Anywayas, he didn't pay child support from that point on. maybe because it was only 4 months, but the judge said he wasnt to be paying back any child support, because "said" child still needed suppport. I was working part-time, paid my bills on time as best I could. I even went outa my way to track down his real nfather, sent him to visit, (now that my son is over the age of 20) for what to expect. His real dad was my night in shining armor, also told my son that his father is a good man. They met at the airport, did the DNA sent it in, within 2 days results confirmed he IS the real father. ( which i already knew). They don't have much of a relationship as my son's real father has a warrant in my state, so he can't come to our state. He also, won't pay a penny for suport, cuz he doesnt have it!! Can you get blood from a stone? I'm being stopped from getting past child support cuz then it will put his real dad in jail. (Knowing I had something to do with it). Although, what happened was that his real dad's mothr has co-signed a loan for my son's college. He is in college now, only because of her co-sign. Should I just consider that past child support? If not, I'm going to get the authorities involved and catch him and make him PAY UP!!

JoAnn - posted on 05/08/2010

There are a number of things going on here, but you need to proceed carefully. It's never a good idea to take the law into your own hands. As for the child support, your partner willing admitted paternity and did not demand a paternity test at the time. While it is likely that the courts would no longer obligate him to support since he has proof that he is not the child's father, that is not a given, and he should not simply stop paying. He needs to petition the court for a hearing on the matter. Contact the child support enforcement agency in your county to find out how to proceed. The judge may require the mother to pay back some of the support, but most likely only what has been paid since it was learned that your partner is not the father.

The child support enforcement will also involve the prosecuting attorney if they believe fraud was committed, but that's really very hard to prove. They'd have to believe that the mother knew that the child was not your partner's and continued to mislead him, not just that there was a possibility that the child was not his. Given that they were involved at the time that she got pregnant, that's going to be pretty hard to prove.

The main thing is that you could end up unintentionally causing more problems for yourselves if you simply stop paying the support. I know money is tight, but he needs to do this the right way. Best of luck!

Laurie - posted on 05/08/2010

Ok, now that you've vented, let's come back down to earth. I totally understand your frustration. How painful to be a father one day and find out the next that the DNA didn't match up. But does that really define a "father"? If he really wants to cut all ties and not see this child. Then he can take the paternity test that he recieved into court, and have the child support issue disolved. If he just stops paying without going through the system, he will go to jail. He must show proof. Then if he really wants to nail this woman, he can file a counter suit and more than likely get all the money back that he ever paid to her for this child. (happened to a friend of mine) It's too bad that the mother of this child is the way she is. Maybe one day she'll grow up. You need to distance yourself from that part. If you don't and you keep worrying about what she's doing, it will eat you alive and destroy your relationship. Bottom line is that she is your Boyfriends problem to deal with. Be there for him, and if he asks for help then of course stand beside him. But let him make the decisions. Keep in mind that you and your children deserve to be happy too. I would make sure that his life is together before you let him move in with you. My thoughts and my heart go to this 7 year old child who all of a sudden doesn't have a father because of a simple dna test. I put it that way because he/she has no way of understanding at the age of 7. All they know is that "dad" is gone. And twice a month is better than nothing. Make no mistake, whether you see it or not, this child is probably hurt and very confused on the inside, also probably taking on all the blame. Does your partner love this child? Does he want this child in his life? If so, stop complaining and let him pay the support. You two will figure out the money situation, and you'll be alright. I'm a single mom that get's no support what so ever, and we live on about a thousand dollars a month. Thats it. And rent is 600. But we're happy and we love and we play. I'm sure you do all those things too, and like I said above, you have every right to be upset. Your son deserves the support just as much as this 7 year old does. However your son is the lucky one. He has a father who loves him, this 7 year old doesn't.

Tanya - posted on 05/08/2010

@ Dawn
I agree with you! laws should be changed to be fair for everyone. Why does the CS system go after non bio fathers, but not make the effort to look for the actual fathers in your case. I hope that you would be able to find a job soon. Medical billing is not bad at all. YOu can defenitely get your foot in door doing that and the move up. That's exactly what I did! I started doing billing and then a yr after, went back to school while the job paid for it and got my bachelors and moved up w/i the company. Now I with a different company and went back to school again lol. This time it's only two years so I can concentrate on certain areas like the public health and medical programs and so I can work in those areas fixing problems etc....
@Julie
I think the CS system are just screwed up everywhere! I totally know what you're going through because I was married to a man who had anger issues and air force did nothing about it but put him in anger management, counseling, and marriage counseling which all failed him. I had to run away and live in a woman's shelter for 3 months in a state where I didn't know a single person or the area. I've had to get on welfare for a period of time to get on my feet. That's exactly what those things are for... Temporary aid so women with children can get on their feet. Not for them to live off of because they don't want to look for a job work. My boyfriend has been pays lots of money in CS 1000 a month up until a couple years ago. He then lost his job, but not because he chooses to do so to avoid CS as in your ex's case. After looking everywhere he has opted to going back in the navy which was the very last of the last resort. I am still so angry about that, but I wont even get started on that.

I hope that everything works out for you. It's sad that your ex is such an ass just like my ex husband. Except mine didn't sleep with men (that i know of) so you got it really bad. Sorry :( Seems to me like dawn said the good people get unfair justice, while the bad ones get away with everything!

Dawn - posted on 05/08/2010

I completely agree!! I know it's not just the fathers who can make big asses out of themselves, I know mothers can too, and I think the entire thing is sad. I know that I'm trying the best I can, and for the most part (other than the job situation) I'm doing a really good job. My kids have love and attention, I play an active roll in their education, I take them to any appts they may have, basically I do what a good parent does for their children. My boyfriend, whom I met just 6wks after my ex husband walked out of us has certainly helped out in many ways too. I was going thru not only my divorce, but the loss of my father. My parents had been on vacation and got in a motorcycle accident w/in days of my ex telling me that he was leaving. My son was 21mos and my daughter was 3mos old. I had just gone back to work from my maternity too. It was a crazy, 'my plate is overloaded' time, and then I met Scott. Don't get me wrong, we have had our ups and downs due to my depression that I suffered, but I think the love we share for each other and the love he and my kids have for one another have gotten us thru several things along the way. My son is now 9 1/2 and my daughter just turned 8 last Friday!! We are expecting in Sept...big shock, thought I was done having kids, but God has other plans.

After reading several of these posts about how someone other than the bio father ends up taking care of the kids, it really made me wonder how Scott feels about raising 2 kids who aren't his. I know he loves them and would do anything for them, but when it comes right down to it they are not his. I don't want him ever to feel that I'm w/ him because he has a good paying job and that he's my sugar daddy, because that is not the case at all. My kids and I love him and appreciate him for who he is, not what he has. I know there have been times, more recently since I haven't been able to find employment that he has had to pay for everything for us. He has asked me why I don't go after the ex, but he also knows that I have tried in the past and have gotten no where. I think he gets frustrated, but he knows that I am frustrated too. I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. It seems that I get no where when dealing w/ the child support office here. I just get the same old story about how they can't locate him and if I could find him (again) and supply them w/ his address, phone number, work address...then they'd send out a letter....it's the same run around every time. I wish I could afford a private detective!! Maybe some day Scott would want to adopt my kids...we've discussed it, but I don't push, it's up to him. I know that if anything happens to me that he will do anything to protect my kids from their disturbed 'donor.' Many of you will probably respond saying that that's not right for Scott to make sure that my ex doesn't get the kids if something were to happen to me, but there's so much more to my ex that would make anyone protect their children from him!!! If Scott doesn't do it, then I have friends and family who will make sure the ex NEVER gets my kids!! He's a monster!!!

I think as a nation we need to start standing up for what we know is right. I feel that so many of our rights and freedoms are being taken away everyday and all we do is complain about it. The child support system, in my opinion is corrupt. The workers in my area are lazy and some of the judges don't want to listen to the parents at all. That's what happened in my divorce. I wanted my ex to undergo a pysc eval, but my lawyer wouldn't put that out there, telling me that the judge likes to keep families together. I understand that to a point, but then ask some questions to find out the mental capacity of the parents, or better yet let the parents talk freely. Certainly there are those out there that would do anything to bash each other, but I am not that person. My ex really does have mental issues that in my opinion make him not suitable to be around young children...for example when I was in the hospital having my daughter, I came home to my son w/ purple fingerprint marks w/ the actual fingerprints on either side of his neck. The exes excuse was that they had been rough housing and he almost dropped my son, but caught him by his neck...um hello, my son was 18mos old...what the hell kind of rough housing were you engaged in w/ a child that young. My lawyer refused to bring it up...she was an awful lawyer and I was so overly mentally exhausted myself that I didn't fire her and get someone else....TOTALLY my fault and if I could go back in time I would change things. I wanted sole custody because I knew that child support would be sporadic and then stop, which it did. I also knew that he never wanted our kids, which he's proved that as well. I found out several years ago that he's running around telling anyone who will listen that I cheated on him and that our daughter isn't even his....WHATEVER!!!! He was the one who was cheating w/ EVERYTHING that moved and I mean EVERYTHING!!!!! If he knew or cared that I knew that he was spreading that kind of crap around I would have no problem having him pay for a paternity test, because she is without a doubt his. Other than the fact that she's a petite girl, they looked alike at birth!! When I first found out that he was/is spreading that lie around it made me sick to my stomach. She looks like his mother for God's sake!!!! She's beautiful and intelligent and mature beyond her years!!! My son looks like his father and behaves in many ways like him too, which is strange to me because they didn't have a lot of time to spend w/ each other before the ex left, guess it's in the genes, but my son can be sweet unlike his father. He's extremely intelligent as well...now to just get thru to him to make good choices and believe in himself!!! It's an uphill battle w/ my son, but I will never give up!!!!

I certainly am passionate about getting the laws changed, but I'm like so many others I don't know what to do, who to talk to, don't have the money, etc, etc. I feel for the lady and her husband w/ the paternity situation. I think that maybe he should try to take the little girl away from the lying mother. He didn't do anything wrong, except get involved w/ the mother. She lied to him and made him believe that the girl was his, but now that he knows otherwise he shouldn't have to continue to pay for her. I'm sure he loves the little girl though, so why not try to take her from the mother who lied? At least he was and has been responsible, that's more than I can say for so many bio fathers!! The law needs to change, that poor guy had no idea that that baby wasn't his and that is why he signed the papers..why has nothing happened to the lying mother??? She gets to collect money from him and go out and party and live like a rock star w/o a care and he's struggling to do the best he can...it's just not fair!! These people that make these laws don't care either, they don't want to listen, they just want to move the day along and get thru as many cases and hearings as humanly possible...I honestly don't know how they sleep at night!!! There are a lot of bad parents out there who ruin it for those of us who are good, but who sticks up for those of us who are good? Who's on our side? I say we need to take a stand, but how? How do you and I make things change? Where do we start? I want justice for the couple w/ the paternity/child support issue, and I want justice for myself and my children, and I want justice for all of you who are reading this and have similar stories!!!!!

Sorry this has gotten so lengthy, I'm just very passionate about all this injustice.

Lisa - posted on 05/08/2010

@Tanya: Good morning : ) !!! I know you're sick of researching this whole ordeal but in order to help your partner, this angle should be looked into...

Laura - posted on 05/08/2010

This happens alot. My friend still has to pay for the child that is not his and the courts know that he is not the father of the baby. They have know for years. He doesn't see the baby/child due to the fact that the mother moved out of state. She gets to collect money even though he is NOT the father and does not have to share the child. They told him that if he was to stop paying he would go to jail. I do agree that the law needs to change for those who try and do good because they think at first the child is theirs, but enough is enough. They should try and bring the mom into questioning and tell her that she better come up with another daddy because her free ride is about to come to an end. I bet she would have a list so that they could do DNA test to find the real dad and make him pay child support for his child. I think she should have to pay back some of the money that he has paid her due to the fact that she lied when she knew that he was not the daddy. Get up off your lazy ass and take care of your own child like so many other single moms have to do because they have a dead beat daddy for there child!!! Stop trying to get a free ride!

Dawn - posted on 05/08/2010

@ Julie

What is it with men? Some of them are disgusting!!! I have pretty much given up my fight w/ the child support office because I don't think it's my responsibility to find and supply his where abouts to them. Don't get me wrong the child support money would come in handy for things the kids want/need. As long as I know that the ex will never come around, that's payment enough for me!! The ex has more problems than I care to know about and would rather not have him thinking that because he pays his child support that all of a sudden he has a right to drop by out of the blue after 5yrs of not seeing, calling, etc my son and daughter. My daughter never liked him and she was just a toddler when he left his 3rd wife, but my son still thinks his daddy walks on water...maybe because they are somewhat alike, I don't know and I don't get it!

Good luck w/ your situation :)

Julie - posted on 05/08/2010

@ Dawn *hugs*

I know how you feel. The child support agency also keeps asking me to get my ex husband's address and work details (he's had 10+ addresses and nearly as many jobs in the last three years).

Pointing out that if I deliberately go out seeking these, he'll accuse me of stalking him (he suffers from paranoid delusions as a combination of mental illness and heavy drug use) and the police actually take an ex seeking these details as stalking (even if you can prove the CSA asked you to), so it's not really do-able.

What's worse, even if when you do give government agencies the info, they do nothing. I gave centrelink (our government welfare agency) proof that he was claiming unemployment benefits and working full time (and that he was claiming the single/unpartnered rate of the unemployment benefit while living with a sex partner who was also claiming the single rate of the disability pension AND faking a disability), and yet three years later, neither of them have been held responsibile for anything - not for claiming unemployment benefits for working, not for claiming the single rate of welfare payments despite being legally "partnered" (partnered rates are about 2/3 of the single rate) ANd for the psycho whore he was living with claiming she was disabled when she wasn't (anti-social personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorders aren't disabilities for welfare purposes and people with them are more than capable of working - if they wanted to).

Julie - posted on 05/08/2010

I like the idea of ... if a father has to sign a thing saying he is the father, the mother has to sign a thing saying he was her only sex partner at the time. (and of course give the guy a chance to sign a waiver saying he will make himself legally the dad when it's known there are other potential candidates).

Or in a marriage, (where the guy doesn't have to sign the birth certificate), that if the woman doesn't declare other potential candidates and that if it's found the man is not the father, that any money received has to be returned (might encourage cheats to declare it or to not claim child support if they consequences are set in stone - or maybe not cheat in the first place!).

Would solve a LOT of problems.

Dawn - posted on 05/08/2010

I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are going thru this!! What a mess. I can't even imagine! My ex hasn't paid child support in 2yrs and the child support office here in (Racine) Wisconsin keeps asking ME to find him and give them his address (again), that is when the state and I speak. Why in the hell would I want to keep track of where my ex husband lives??? I divorced him for a reason!! Why doesn't the state do their jobs and find him and make him pay??? My ex and his current wife also (x-mas will be 2yrs) stole our (MY) kids social security numbers and NOTHING happened to them. I was told by a detective in Tucson, AZ where the slimballs live that they "simple don't have the man power to go pick them up for fraud." My question then is, Why in the hell not???? They stole my kids identity, they were 8 and 6 1/2 at the time. The credit card company (Captial One) didn't press charges either to the best of my knowledge. What does it take for the law to step in? Capital One gave me my exes address and phone number at that time and still no one did anything about what they did to MY kids. I'm supposed to check my kids credit reports, which I can't seem to get anywhere with because they are minors, but yet this all falls back on me. I have to deal w/ all of this, the kids, which I wouldn't have any other way, the doctors appts, which are great, for my son, he has some mental disorders...the list goes on and on. All the while my jerk of an ex gets to sit back and do nothing because the state of WI refuses to do anything about it. The last time I spoke to the state, they told me that the child support case is out of their hands because the ex lives in another state. What they need is his address so they can send some stupid letter to the post office wherever the ex lives so they can verify his address, from that point, if they find him, they will go after him for child support. The state also told me that my child support case becomes the other states responsibility....WTF???? I have two kids w/ this jerk, and yes I get food stamps and state health because I can't find a job...I went to school for Medical Billing and Coding, graduated June of 09 and cannot find a job anywhere...not even retail is hiring in my area....oh and not to mention I have such issues w/ my son that I can't work too far from home in case the school needs me to come deal w/ him. (My son is bi-polar, Asperger's, ADHD, ODD) When he's unstable life comes to a total stand still. I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful boyfriend of 7 1/2yrs to help me deal w/ my son, but life is extremely difficult! I want more than anything to find even a part time job to have some money coming in but w/ the way the economy is (which is mostly the issue at the moment) and the way my son can become it makes my working next to impossible because of daycare issues. Why is it that this is allowed????

My question is the same as yours, but for different reasons, What does it take to get the laws to change, to make some sense, to be fair?? Why is it that when you're an upstanding person who is responsible you get the shaft, while the not so upstanding person gets to get away w/ all the crap?? I'm sorry to have rambled on and on about my situation, but your post made me so upset, which then got me thinking of my own situation....The only thing I can think of to help you is to get a really good lawyer. I know that's easier said than done because of money...you sound like your in the same boat as me....not enough money. I am truly sorry for what you're going thru.

Ann - posted on 05/08/2010

The American system is quite flawed as well. Married 15 years with 3 children, ex decided to cheat and leave. Good for me I found out! Paid support for a while but spent all his money on new wife and now neither of them work so I've spent over $25,000 to try to collect what he owes for HIS children! He doesn't pay any medical expenses, sporting, clothes, food, nothing right now. Thank God for my current husband who loves them as his own. Only 2 of the 3 children see him, he doesn't even care. I've yet to hear of any country where the system works for the custodial parent that actually takes care of all of the needs of the children.

Julie - posted on 05/08/2010

"What ever happened to waiting to have sex until you're married, and then staying monogamously married "'til death do us part"? None of this would even be an issue if that were followed. You reap what you sow."

Sorry but that's crap. It takes two to make a marriage but only one to break it. You reap what your SPOUSE sows.

If you wait til marriage and stay faithful, it means nothing if your spouse is a lying, cheating, abusive sack of crap.

Not to mention victims of rape who end up pregnant.

Not everyone chooses to be a single mother (single father).

A child support system is necessary because just because YOU do the right thing is no guarantee your spouse will.

And as for those who want the aussie system, I can tell you - you DON'T!!!

At least not in certain situations.

If your ex is a bum who refuses to get a job to get out of child support (or simply because they're an alcoholic/drug addict who thinks society should support them and their habit), forcing you to have to go out and get a job to support your kids (solare parent welfare payments get reduced when your youngest kid turns 6 and cut off altogether when they turn 8), if your ex has the kids just every second weekend and half the holidays, you are forced to pay THEM child support.

Doesn't matter that you have to pay all the school expenses as they don't have them on school days, or that you have to pay all the medical expenses (not cheap despite an allegedly "free" health care system - sure it's "free" - if you wait years until the condition is irreversible and you/your child is then disabled for life), or that you have to pay for all the extras your kids do (music/sport - even when they are with their dad coz he won't pay for the alternating weekend when the kid is with him and unless you pay for the whole lot, the kid isn't allowed to do any), doesn't matter if you even have to buy all the clothes and shoes for when the kid is with them (coz daddy will just let them spend the entire weekend in the same outfit they went in), and in my situation, I was even giving the jerk money for food for our daughter, otherwise the poor kid was missing some meals....

There is a calculator on the child support website. On a registered nurses salary (what I was looking at), if my ex had taken our daughter every second weekend and half the holidays (something the abusive violent pig originally asked for despite his history of serious abuse against our daughter), I'd have had to pay him child support, as every second weekend and half the holidays (when averaged out, equals 5 nights a fortnight across the year) is considered equal (50/50) custody.

Without even taking into account the cost of working (for example the cost of getting to work and parking is not tax deductible nor is it cheap), and with unemployment benefits being tax free, on a nurse's salary...

Salary minus tax minus paying child support < unemployment benefits plus child support received.

ie if I busted my guts working with the injuriess my ex husband left me with AND doing the majority of the raising of my special needs PLUS having all the expenses of raising her, not only would I have to pay child support to my ex husband to get to play with her every second weekend at activities I paid for anyway, but he'd actually be getting more money sitting on his fat lazy bum the 10 days a fortnight he didn't have, then I would be getting slaving away at a full time job AND being full time parent to my daughter.

And they called this the "new FAIRER" system when they brought it in.

In american terms... how can it possibly be fair that the non custodial parent can quit their job to get out of child support, forcing the custodial parent to work (even when they are disabled - because disability payments do not pay enough to raise a child on - and even if the child is disabled - because the child has to be severely disabled before you can get assistance), and then the custodial parent has to be pay the non custodial to be an unemployed bum because they have the kids just every second weekend???

Thankfully my ex dropped down to one day a fortnight (which was good as he can keep his anger problems under control for the 10 hours a fortnight he had her - or if he was in a feral mood, just didnt' show up, but it was enough for our daughter to think he loved her, even though he doesn't). What disgusts me now though is he's blown her off altogether - and the lying piece of crap goes around telling everyone I cut him out of our daughter's life which is rubbish. I've begged him over and over to be in more of her life - but keeping it structured with extra curricular activites (or supervised) so that he wouldn't hurt her physically again. Instead he has just crushed her emotionally by after the family court case finished, he repeatedly didn't turn up for visits until he's decided to forget her altogether.

He's too busy playing father with other kids who are nearly definitely NOT his. But the fool is too stupid to realise that women are willing to do things like cheat on their husbands to be with him (as some of his mistresses do) or willing to seek out an affair with one of their best friends' husbands (while pursuing another best friend's fiance) all while sleeping with dozens of other men, that these sneaky sluts haven't quit sleeping with other men, just because they tell him they have.

He's gonna end up just like his father - 13+ kids to 3+ women, will all but the youngest kid (him) and all the women hating the guy with a passion even though it's been more than 20 years since his death.

But anyway... short version, you don't want the aussie system of child support. It's total BS.

And you don't reap what you sow in relationships - you reap the actions of your spouse, whether that be good or bad.

Jessica - posted on 05/08/2010

hey,
i dont know what the laws are there, but where I live, if a man even so much as acts like a father to a child for a period of 1 year or 2 years or something like that, he automatically has rights and responsibilities to that child. he signed his name on her birth certificate, he took ownership so to say, of this little girl, and now he has to pay for it. it sucks yes, cause like you said its not even his child, but thats the judicial system. the mother has every right to ask him to pay it, and the legal system has rights to make him pay. tell him to get a good lawyer, and good luck! hopefully you can come thru this, cause its not fun.

Ann - posted on 05/08/2010

Very sad situation. You said you have a child with him too although he's your boyfriend and you aren't living together. People must stop having babies unless they're in committed relationships and some of this problem will go away! That may sound old fashioned but it makes me sick to see people on TV who don't even know who their child's father is and they don't just have one child, but several with different men. It's crazy! What are these children learning about family and morals???

Jodi - posted on 05/08/2010

Quoting Rebecca:
"In Australia, a woman can only complain about the last 3 months of not receiving child support. It's also income based so if he's not working, he'd only have to pay the minimum of about $27 a month."

Actually, that's not the case. Once a child support case is in the system, any amount not paid will accumulate until it is paid, even beyond when a child is 18.

Secondly, if a payer is not working, but has the capacity to work, the payee can claim this, and request child support based on capacity. It does require a review, but it is commonly used when someone chooses to quit their job and got to something lower paid, and the $27 a month can be overridden on that basis.

How do I know?? I have an ex that doesn't pay.......and believe me, he is going to get the shock of his life when his son turns 18 and he realises he still owes all that money and I sue him for it.

Kirsty - posted on 05/08/2010

i would fight all they way it is not right on your boyfriend why should he pay for a kid that not even his

Rebecca - posted on 05/07/2010

Hi Tanya, first of all the laws in Australia are completely different to the US so I can't comment on what you can or can't do legally. I will however say that from an emotional perspective, cutting the ties could be good because you don't want the father and child getting a bond and the mother decide in a couple of years "oh she's not yours and you're not seeing her anymore" type behaviour. Fight to stop paying child support as you were deceived. In Australia, a woman can only complain about the last 3 months of not receiving child support. It's also income based so if he's not working, he'd only have to pay the minimum of about $27 a month. I hope that the two of you are able to get this sorted out and quickly. Good luck.

Tanya - posted on 05/07/2010

@ Lisa,

I honestly don't know how it is here in WA state. I have never been in or witnessed anything like this, so this all new to me. http://divorcemagazine.wordpress.com/tag...

That article was pretty good article by the way.

http://www.paternityfraud2.com/cases.htm

Those were just a few examples, but it shows how screwed up the system is.

Lisa - posted on 05/07/2010

I was wondering because in Ohio, that is what happens to delinquent fathers... Isn't this the equivalent of denying paternity? I do understand that custody issues vary by state. Of course, this situation is a little different but in suing in civil court, that could be made in the provisions in the judgment against her... I'm not familiar with custody laws in WA state, but I'd try to exhaust everything at my disposal.

Tanya - posted on 05/07/2010

@ Lisa, I don't know if the courts can do that. I have read about cases where the moms were ordered to pay the duped dad in civil court, but when they enter family court the judges order the mother to pay like 20 bucks. I don't know if it's the same every where but I have read more than 2 cases with similar situation.

Lisa - posted on 05/07/2010

@Tanya: You've stated that suing the mother would be a waste of time because she has no job... Can't she be forced by the Court to get a job in order to repay your boyfriend? I think she can...