Please do not judge: I need some help.

Heather - posted on 11/09/2012 ( 278 moms have responded )

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Hi! I am new to here, but I really need some help. I am ashamed that I am even at this point, but I don't know what to do. I am crying as I am writing this, because I never imagined it would ever be like this. My husband and I have a 4 month old little boy. He is always happy and usually a pretty calm minded baby. My husband works full time and currently I stay at home, and I am working on my master's full time. I have never had a temper problem, or been super emotional but lately I find my self losing control a lot. For example, my son is very energetic, and very rarely takes naps. He does sleep through the night 11pm- 5 or 6am) but maybe one nap during the day if I am lucky. Most days I am fine, but then some days like today he doesn't nap and here it is 6:00 p.m. and we have been up since 6:00 am with no nap and I am exhausted! I haven't had a break and I then get overwhelmed because I have assignments due everyday. I then find myself yelling at my baby to just go to sleep and then of course he cries more... so I lay him down and try to walk away for a minute but the crying just makes it worse. So I take a deep breath come back and rock him or try to put him to sleep. He will fall asleep in my arms and as soon as I lay him down, he wakes up! I already have problems with my back as I am 5'1 and my 4 month old weighs 20 lbs. and is 28 inches long (he is breast fed). So the constant up and down kills my back which then makes the situation even worse. I do not want this to continue because my husband and I have worked too hard so far to make our son happy and I don't want to screw it up. I hate the idea of taking anxiety medicine for my nerves, but I am not really sure what to do. On these days I cry just as much as he does, and then I resent myself and feel like the worst mother alive... I mean who yells at a 4 month old! My husband tries to help as much as he can, but he has to work so it is just me. Even he doesn't know how stressed I am, because I am so scared he will judge me or think I am crazy. Hell, I think I am crazy. My son means the world to me, and I want to feel better and have more energy to be the best mom I can for him... I just don't know how. Please do not judge me as this was really hard to begin with. I just really need some help, support, love... something. :(

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Tiana - posted on 11/11/2012

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I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old, my oldest was breastfeed until 12 months and I'm currently breastfeeding and am a stay-at-mom. I have had these feelings before with my oldest being that she never slept either unless she was on me. My best advise would be to get a sleep training book and teach your child to fall asleep on his own...some crying my be involved but it will be good for both of you! Good luck

APRIL - posted on 11/11/2012

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Hi there. I'm. Stay at home mom as well with a 2 year old and 4 year old. I learned that my family is first before anything. Our babies need us and at this age, and even when they get older, they will still need us. To be honest your baby is only 4 months out of the womb and now in this world and what should matter first is your baby and not your masters. I put my job life and all, aside to stay home to care for our babies as my husband chose to work and provide for us. It is tough and challenging, but babies need momma's love and affection especially at 4 months. And if this your first baby, right now is the best time to give your baby all that he needs. This a moment you don't want to pass by. My first baby was not as affectionate, but my second was very clingy to me and still is a bit. I gets hard, but I can't get upset, even though I get frustrated at times, I remind myself, they just need momma's nurturing and love.

Chhavi - posted on 11/11/2012

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i too had the same kind of mood swings, and crying bouts and my boys would wake up as SOON as i lay them on the bed. a little bit of meds to tide you over, or some natural treatments like going for a massage. the money may be tight, but if u keep yourself well, you ll keep the baby well. at the same time, dont feel guilty. u need time. not guilt.

think over meds for a couple of months if your doc agrees. its not a sign of weekness.

u could even go to the library with your son andstudy while he sleeps.

Sandi - posted on 11/11/2012

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You are not alone. You took the first step in asking for advise. Now take the advise. :-) try for an hour or 2 when your husband is home, to actually get out of the house. Go have coffee, or ref a book. No home work! Just you time. And look for a MOPS group in your area. They are an awesome group for support.

Marie - posted on 11/11/2012

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I had the same.problem after my first and the meds are the only rhing that eventually helped and I didn't have to stay on them forever. But being a mom is hard and exhausting at times and we have to take care of ourselves to be able.to take care of our kids. Good luck!

Yvette - posted on 11/11/2012

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Try having the baby tested for medical conditions if it is true that he sleeps very little their may be a serotonin producing problem ( if I remember correctly that was the name) A friend a child with similar issues and it took several years for them to find out what the problem was. but basically there was something wrong so the child did not sleep often.

Also, try getting a sitter even if it is just so you can go sleep for 2 hours little things like that will help. Good luck and blessings.

Kristin - posted on 11/11/2012

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I haven't read all of the replies, and I'm sure it's been covered, but you may have post natal depression. I think you should probably talk to your doctor or whoever you see. I ended up with horrible post natal depression after my second child. I battled it for over a year before I got help. I would go up and down and up and down and kept on telling myself that I didn't need help and I could beat it, but eventually my husband (who is against anxiety meds) said, "for goodness sake woman, go see a doctor!" I did get antidepressants and for me at the time it was the best decision I ever made. Now i'm feeling SO much better, I've been able to cope better, stop yelling at my kids, and put routines and strategies in place to make sure I never get back there again. If you don't want to take the meds (and I don't blame you, cos it turns out coming off them can be pretty hellish) then perhaps look into the natural treatments. exercise, drink plenty of water, eat whole foods and try to cut out sugar from your diet. I'm so glad that your husband is supportive, but don't feel like the two of you must fix it alone... there's no shame in asking for help. broccoli, basil, and Omega 3 are great depression busters, and B vitamins! I took an "executive stress" b complex, and it took me from mad screaming lady, back to just a regular tired mama!



Hang in there, you're not alone, and I'd be happy to email you if you want to chat, altho I am across the other side of the planet!



Hugs! From a Kiwi mum.

Stephanie - posted on 11/11/2012

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I think you're yelling at your baby because you are unhappy. Figure out why you feel this way and try to correct it (the best you can in your hormonal state). Babies "pick up" on how we feel and our tone of voice (of course yelling isn't good for a 4 month old to hear). Ask for help, maybe something for post-partum depression, and try to schedule play dates with other moms so you have somebody to relate to. And please remember the stress increases the more children you have... :)

Alicia - posted on 11/11/2012

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I agree with what the others are saying, you NEED time for yourself and your needs, how else will you be able to continue to give to your son if you are running on empty? Lay down for a nap yourself, if he won't fall asleep in his crib, try the swing or car seat as suggested, my older daughter napped great in her swing, not so much in the crib. Let the housework sit, it will get done eventually. TELL you husband what you're going through, you have an enormous amt of stress right now between giving birth, adjusting to parenthood, and school with no family support. And talk to your doctor, see what he/she has to say. I had postpartum depression with my 2nd and seeing a counselor & getting on a mild antidepressant and antianxiety pill changed my life. I stopped crying all the time and screaming at my infant too, I had been so stressed out I had no coping skills. I joined a mom's group for other women who were struggling like myself and have made wonderful friends. Even a regular mom's group would be beneficial, you'll find out that everyone struggles once in a while, esp in the beginning. But if the feelings you're having continue, please get help for yourself. You'll be a better mother because of it. Hugs to you!

Heather - posted on 11/11/2012

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Wow! I just realized all these replies.. Apparently I am not getting the notifications. I completely appreciate all the responses. To top it all off, I will be going back to work in about 2 weeks. I am so anxious about leaving him at daycare. As far as school goes, I cant take time off right now as I will graduate next semester. So I am too close to stop. I have already registered for my classes and only four classes separate me from my degree. I did talk to my hubby and he was very sympathetic and felt horrible that he cant help out more. The last few nights I have been going to sleep soon after he gets home at like 9:00pm and he wakes me to feed our soon then I go back to sleep and he takes over. That has seemed to help a little. Its hard because 90% of the time I am fine but then that 10% of the time kicks my butt. Oh and Im not sure if I confused some of you but I am not taking and medications now except my prenatal vitamin. No birth control or anything. I didnt want the birth control to affect my milk.



Thanks again for all the input! My email is hedmunds09@gmail.com if any of you are in or near Charlotte NC I would love to chat! :)

Stephanie - posted on 11/11/2012

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You have received a lot of responses and I haven't read them all but wanted to add... You need to give yourself permission to try things that you thought you'd never do before kids. Don't try to do things the way so and so said. Do what works for you. Does your baby nurse to sleep? Fine. It it works for you, fine. Try putting a mattress on the floor, nurse that baby to sleep then slide off gently. No putting him down as he's already sleeping where he feel asleep.

Find a mom's group. I really liked MOPS.

And I would agree with those saying to seek help for depression.

Also, just hang in there... As your son gets older, he'll be better able to entertain himself. It's good that you do have your school work. At least your son will hopefully be used to you not spending every minute focused on him. Remember, even though it sometimes doesn't feel like it, you are the mom and you set the schedule. Not the other way around. ;)

Kendra - posted on 11/11/2012

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Oh hunny Welcome to motherhood. Maybe you can get out and find a Co op of sorts in your area. Or play group in a local library to where he can interact with other children and you can have adult interaction

[deleted account]

Your plate is much too full !

Seriously consider taking time off from school. Contact your school and get your options.

Contact your pediatrician and consider starting a little canned baby food to supplement your breast milk. If it is too early for cereal, fruit or veggies may be tolerated fine.

Check with your church outreach to find a mature teen who can come clean/assist with home chores. They will learn skills they need while you feel less stressed and can enjoy baby time.

Maybe hubby can do small helpful things that enhance the family feeling without overwhelming him when he gets home already tired - ask, as he won't see what you need him to help with.

Clean and perfect wont be achievable right now, so try to lower your standards a little.

Give baby your love and care, but steal a little for you too.

Breast feeding is a huge commitment, but worth it. No breaks now but after a year or so, that is over. Then find a Mothers Day out program - small breaks give huge rewards to Mom and the child learns social skills. I did MDO to get my library time for college with less guilt than a Daycare situation.

Baby lullaby music soothed and gave my boys slumber.

Been there - The Mom job is huge and tough . . Cherish each moment, even when you think you can't go on.

Stephanie - posted on 11/11/2012

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Hey, its okay. Take a deep breath hun. It is hard, I know, but some times you ned to force a nap. I'm in college too too and I'll admit its a pain in the ass to do school work, clean, AND take care of a baby. At times when its too much, breast feed him, swaddle him, put him to bed, and take a break. He may cry for about 10 minutes, and then he should pass out. When you start solid foods is when he will sleep more, and that should be in another 2 months. Unless you want to start him sooner, and you'd be amazed at what a little watered down rice cereal (use breast milk) will do for his sleeping habits. I waited till 6 months on my girl. Just remember, you are a bad ass and you can do this! I'm always here to chat hun if you need anything k?

Keri - posted on 11/11/2012

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My son was the same way - he rarely, if ever, napped during the day. The best you can do is put them in a playpen with some toys and give yourself a break for a bit. He never had a problem with the playpen, and that's usuallyy where he would fall asleep, sometime on a walk around the neighborhood too. Do you go to school on-campus? If so, most schools have a psychologist or psychiatrist at the student health center. You could try talking to him or her.

Liz - posted on 11/11/2012

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I am an OB nurse and it sounds like you need help from a few levels. You might have some post partum depression going on, that can be a serious issue and needs some solutions. You need to contact your provider, OB, midwife whoever. Then you might need to figure out something to do with your schoolwork. Is there a way to get a leave? Or do you have some support that could help you out with some childcare for short periods while you do some work. When you feel the out of control feelings that you are feeling they can spiral in crazy ways and you need to figure out how you can get support. It happens to all women on some level. What makes it different for each woman is her level of support.

Teya - posted on 11/11/2012

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To be very frank with you... I have two children and it happens. One five the other is fifteen months. After both were born I went through a similar period. Really you have to first stop and figure a way to take a break ( ie. When baby is happy in swing put your feet up, when baby is happy in playpen close your eyes until baby needs you, etc). Second remember crying for a little while will not hurt baby... my daughter had colic episodes when she would get real bad and my nerves were shot I would put her safely in her crib take her monitor and sit on the front porch for a few minutes with the monitor on low... I could her her, but it was less overwhelming. Third, set a routine. If baby gets familliar with a schedule there will be way less stress on you. My son was very sick with extraesophageal reflux and sever sleep apnea the schedule is what saved me for him. Four find friends ( or even a councelor) just to talk to... believe me it really helps. Five... get a babysitter for a couple hours and go do something for yourself WITHOUT BABY. You must take care of you also. And finally schedule time for you and hubby WITHOUT BABY. Talk, date, whatever just do it without baby. Its not wrong to need breaks from baby...especially when your mental health may depend on it.

Frances - posted on 11/11/2012

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My local YMCA will watch my kids for 2 hours a day included in the membership which is $103 a month. They have wifi so I can do my schoolwork or I can take a nap in a lounge chair by the pool. You don't have to workout you just can't leave the premises. They have scheduled activites for the kids. Check it out. I can go to the one 4 miles away then another 15 miles away and get another 2 hours if I need.

Kathy - posted on 11/11/2012

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The same thing happened with me. It was post-partum depression. I took Zoloft for awhile and it was great. It helped me through that time. There is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medications when you need them. Depression is caused by chemical imbalances causing a shortage or inefficient serotonin and anti-depressants work by making the serotonin you do have work more efficiently. If you were diabetic and had insulin that was ineffective or in short supply you would have no problem taking diabetes medications so why not anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications. Depression is a very real, very treatable condition, please get the help you need if not for you then for your baby. If you have the funds you may want to take your baby to a daycare one day a week or to a Mother's day out program once a week or even get family or friends you trust to keep him a few hours each week to give you a chance to have some time to yourself. You don't have to do this alone. Please get some help.You will thank yourself if you do. I did, now I am doing great and am medication free.

Otito - posted on 11/11/2012

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Hi dear, don't be hard on your self. What you are going through is very normal for a nursing mum. I passed through a similer situation but when i realised that i wasn't crazy i learnt to hold my emotion in check more. I make out time to snuggle with my baby more so we both get the much needed rest. If he wakes in between snuggle i breast feed him lying down before we doze off again. Try and get a rest. You are a good mum.

Erin - posted on 11/11/2012

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I think this happens to everyone. You definitely need a break. If you can afford it, try putting him in daycare once or twice a week. If you're not comfortable with that, maybe hire someone local to help you around the house a bit. That's a lot going on all at once. As a single mom in school full time, I can totally relate to your problem. Later on, you might want to see if there are playgroups in the area where you can connect to other moms. :)

Toni-Maree - posted on 11/11/2012

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I felt exactly the same and acted the same way with my daughter who is now 9. Two years later I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. While I'm not suggesting a diagnosis for you, I do encourage you to seek medical advice and support. I would also think of ways of lightening your load eg.postpone studies for a semester or two. You are not a terrible mum. You are a Mum who is getting used to being a mum. For Some of us it's instant but for people like myself it takes a Iittle time to adjust. It does get better and easier I promise. I also agree with others who have suggested taking some time for yourself. Its not selfish at all. We love our kids but we all need a break from them sometimes to stay sane. So take care of yourself, continue to be brave and seek help just as you have now and remember you are not alone. Best wishes from an Aussie mum.

Jodie - posted on 11/11/2012

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Every new mother has been through this so you're not alone, but one thing I would strongly recommend is if you put your study off for 12 months. It might not be what you want to do but for the sake of your sanity and your son, you don't need the added extra pressure! If you had family who could step in on a daily basis and take your little one for you then sure you'd have time to study but its just too much for you to expect to be able to do both at this time in your life.



Baby is the most important thing in your life right now. Being a mother changes our priorities. Your study will aways be there when you're ready to go back to it.

Pam - posted on 11/11/2012

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I wanted to chime in too. You are soooo normal girlfriend, don't feel bad. My daughter who is now 21 had a hard time when she was a newborn, sleeping as well. One night I was so sick I could not feed her so my husband called the nurse and she walked him through making a bottle for the baby (they sent home formula samples from the hospital) and she slept all night! I kept making him get up to check on her but she was fine. I found out that even though I had plenty of milk, it was not fully satisfying her. After that I breast feed her once a day to give her the stuff that was important but started giving her formula the rest of the time. She slept 12 hours at night from then on. Also, I ended up giving her the pink drops for gas, I don't remember what they are called and that helped her to sleep laying down instead of just on my chest. Hope this helps, remember you are not alone! Take care of you too and it will all smooth out.

Chris - posted on 11/11/2012

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leave any silly jobs of the day , no matter what put your child first.... you must take him to a playground or simular every day , give him freedom in safe place to run around and play with others for a couple of hours... then when you return home have lunch with him , and give him stimulating brain food like hand painting , little puzzles cutting out catalouge pictures and a pritt stick so he can glue them on paper, this will help him to unwind after his outing ... the secret i found with 4 children under five is a set routine of this nature ... and i would defo put your masters off ,for a while it is up to you to show your chidren the way , if you don't this will haunt you in later years . he will be confused if you don't show him the way think back to how much you knew at this age if your not careful you will be taking him to anger management and it won't be his fault, your the adult no time for self pity . oh i am 4' 11 and yes you will have a bad back with mothering chidren of they're age a meer price for what you have," don't miss it"

Lashonda - posted on 11/11/2012

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First - you are a good mother, experiencing perfectly normal emotions. Here are some other thoughts.

- It sounds like you might havw PPD and that's ok. See your OBGYN, ASAP. If you are prescribed something, it's ok. It happened to me. I was on meds for about six months and I'm SO glad I did it.

- Don't do anything except sleep and bond with baby. Take a break from school if you can. This is more important.

- There is no need to bring formula into the picture. Expressed milk in a bottle can work if you need a break. If you choose to use formula, that's fine but don't feel like you need to.

- It's ok that baby finds comfort in your arms. It's great! It means you're doing a good job, mama! He needs practice sleeping alone. Keep trying and he will get better. Keep responding when he needs you and he will grow confident. Take all the extra things out of your day and just relax with your child. I KNOW this is hard because I've been there. It will work wonders for you and your baby, though. When you are relaxed , he is much more likely to be.

- I love the moby wrap. Once baby learns to sleep in it, you can dust, get online, etc... while baby sleeps soundly against your chest.

- Costco is your friend! With all their premade and fast fix dinner options, both you and hubby can relax a little.

- Try taking naps with baby until he gets used to a schedule. Be sure to adhere to all safe co-sleeping guidelines and use a consistent routine. My LO has a short story in the rocking chair, then a song, then we lay down.

- Be patient. There are lots of helpful tips from moms. They will take time for baby to learn. I advise seeing your doc immediately, though. It will help relieve your stress.

Sally - posted on 11/11/2012

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My son had colic so the first 4 months and could cry upto 8hrs at a time and I remember its hard . When my husband walked through the door I had my coat on and went out for a couple of hrs for a walk or to friends or family . You could find somewhere quiet to get your work done for a few hours . No easy answer when things are getting bad put him in his cot close all doors and sit downstairs till you feel a bit calmer xxx

Laura - posted on 11/11/2012

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Hi don't feel ashamed about this every mother in the world has been there. If you could find someone you trust to bring the baby for a walk around lunchtime to give yourself an hour to relax doing nothing just sit down put on some music and just to give yourself a break. Forget the housework you've a baby and your not wonderwoman girl. I've been through it and it get's easier don't worry about yelling either he won't remember it. Good luck honey but you'll be fine you won't need it :)

Carissa - posted on 11/11/2012

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maybe you should try giving him some formula a lot of times that makes them more full and more sleepy, it may very well help you. I had to do the same thing with my little girl because she would not nap either and I was stressing. So right about lunch time I would give her some formula. I thought that was the best time for me as I could eat my lunch and after maybe take a quick nap myself or do some housework, etc. good luck to you.

Cassandra - posted on 11/11/2012

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Sounds like what you're experiencing is Post Partum Depression. Oftentimes depression presents as anger and agitation. I've definitely been there. The best way to think about it is this....if you were diabetic would you not take your medicine because you didn't like the way people might judge you? Antidepressants have come so far and can be so helpful! I agree that you (if you can) need to lean on those around you for support. Let your husband take him for a bit just so you can nap or do homework. The best thing I can tell you is that IT GETS BETTER! Good luck!

Brenda - posted on 11/11/2012

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Take a deep breathe Honey...you are both new to this..(you and your son) What I have found to work is a few extra things on your part will make for a happier you and baby. Sounds like if you were to leave him in his bed and let him cry for a short period of time he may just need to release some of his energy to allow himself to fall asleep. Try this schedule and see how it works.

6am bathe, change, feed baby....

7am go for a walk, or do some sort of large motor skill

8am change, feed to some sort of soothing music

8:30-9 lay down to quiet music. it is fine to let the baby cry for short period of time

if he continues go to him pat him on his bottom nice and calm no need to talk

leave the room again..Baby will probably cry but don't go in right away

9:30 baby should be napping

11:00 baby will wake and you can feed and change

after feeding floor play swing, bouncy seat, sit outside, let him watch you do wash, clean vacume

12:30-1:00 start quieting down the house again..play relaxing music and let baby wear himself down

1:00 should be able to put down for another nap.

you can carry on from there but if you get these naps in your day will run much smoother..

I have had a daycare in my home for 17 years and can get most 4month olds on a schedule similar to this..you may have to tweek it for ways to make it work for you but try it for a week before giving up..



Good luck and hang in there...The fact that you wrote for help, shows you are a wonderful mommy.

Stephanie - posted on 11/11/2012

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Heather,

You are a wonderful mother! It takes a lot to post an issue like this and you are seeking help and guidance which shows how much you love your son. Being a nurse and labor and delivery nurse I would recommend speaking to your doctor and taking an anxiety medication until things settle down in your life. You won't need to be on it forever but it will help in the mean time. Also if you have any family or friends that would be willing to take your son for a few hours during the day will also be a big help. Best of luck to you xoxo.

Julie - posted on 11/11/2012

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Its okay, your not crazy! You don't need anxiety meds! That is crazy how little your son sleeps! For that are you opposed to mixing in some formula with your breast milk? He is a large baby and may need a little more to feel full and satisfied. My son is large too and didn't sleep through the night until I introduced baby cereal.



As for you, I don't know how you feel about this thought but I believe if you are tense, little man can sense it. If you can talk yourself into being calm before trying nap time maybe that would help?



I've been there. Sobbing in the middle of the night with my son after a 10 hour work day, in my bedroom full of dirty laundry... and pleading with a 6month old to please oh please go back to sleep.



As for your husband, hopefully you have a good relationship with him. If so, he won't judge you! You have to ask him for help! He is your partner!



Hope this helps! Good vibes, quantam physics, fill up babies tummy, and most of all, dont judge yourself!

Sarah - posted on 11/11/2012

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You need a break. And maybe a part time daycare. Say 2 hours twice a week. In order to do homework or sleep. Whichever is more important that day. It will also help your baby learn social skills and other important social behaviors. Mist of all you need a break. If you can't take care of you and keep u healthy you'll be no good to your or husband... I have 5 kids and learned this the hard way....

Kathy - posted on 11/11/2012

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I have a few suggestions as a grandma now. I think you could consider formula bottles for times you can get away. I never gave my kids formula, but my grandkids are breastfed and take formula when their parents need a break. I have seen that it works wonderfully. I would also have baby checked by the pediatrician for reasons why he isn't sleeping. Make sure he is getting enough to eat and let the doctor in on the problem. My biggest suggestion is to postpone classes for a semester. I got my masters when my husband was ill and I had to take a little time out. You don't have to be superwoman and sometimes life is more difficult than we thought it would be especially when others are involved, so consider your options. And most definitely talk to your husband and he may have answers and see things you don't. Good luck.

Jen - posted on 11/11/2012

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First, I had a baby like yours, so I understand. None of my kids ever napped regularly, and it was really, really hard. One good thing to focus on - sleeping well at night is more important than napping because they'll do that forever. And your son will likely have less trouble adjusting to long school days because he never took regular naps - I know mine did.



Now, about you. It kind of sounds to me like you may have postpartum depression. I think you should see your doctor, and if meds are what you need, for a while, to keep your emotions on a more even keel, then do it. The doctor might also have other suggestions about strategies for dealing with a crying baby in more productive ways. I'm also wondering if you could take a break from school. Us moms never realize just how hard and time-consuming motherhood is until we actually have children. Taking care of your son full-time, plus cooking for yourself (and I assume your husband in the evenings) and taking care of the house is already more than enough work. Unless your husband or someone else can help with the baby a few hours a day so you can get homework done, that may not be a realistic option right now.

Belinda - posted on 11/11/2012

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Are you on any kind of birth control also... I tried the nuva ring and it was to much hormone for me and it seriously made me moody!! Bad moody!! No judging here, we moms need to stick together!!

Kelly - posted on 11/11/2012

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I have to agree with a couple of the responses. I think that you need to talk to your doctor about what is going on, it could be postpartum depression and it could be just no time for yourself. But one thing I do know it that if you do not take care of your self you are not going to be able to take care of the little one. I would also find a support group in your community were you could get together with other mom's that are going through the same things. I do not know if you have a church that you go to or not but maybe there is someone there that could give you a hand.

Glenda - posted on 11/11/2012

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first thing u need to do is see your dr...it is probably something he can help u with,,dont ignore it..pls..and i dont judge u as my first son was the same way,my mom who had 9 kids said to let him cry,,that he knows how to push my buttons to get his way..lay him down,walk away and let him cry it out.it may take a few times,but he will figure out that crying isnt going to get mommy to pick him up..its hard on your nerves,yes,but think of how better it will be when he stops. start with just about 20 min of crying the first time..lil more as u go,,u dont want him to get sick from crying to much to start..do it progressively..i had 4 sons,now 7 grkids has worked good for them all.now have daycare and we get spoiled babies who we dont have time to hold all time.so it works..but,see your doctor asap..find something to do to keep his crying out of your head as much as possible..put on music etc..where u hear him but not as bad..good luck mommy u can do it

Kimberly - posted on 11/11/2012

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First off...Big Hugs to you!!! I'm so sorry you've been down on yourself. It can very trying, as well as exhausting. Just remember, you are a great mom, and you are doing the best you can. When you feel overwhelmed, just put your little one down for a few minutes, (even if he is crying, he will be ok, just make sure he is safe for a few minutes) and just go into a room where you can have a few minutes to just relax, and inhale/exhale. :) Sometimes just doing that, even if it's just for 5 minutes makes a huge difference. When your husband comes home from work, have him step in, and take over for a little bit, while you take a hot shower or go lay down for a nap, or even getting out, even if it's just going to the store for an hour. You need that, and don't be afraid to ask for help. I understand, I think every Mother who read your post can empathize, so please don't think you're alone, you're not. Being a mom is the toughest job you will ever love! :) It's hard work, and yes, it def. tests your patience at times, esp. when you are functioning on little sleep! You're little one knows you love him, so don't ever feel you're going to "screw anything up"you won't! One day at a time!! Just remember to take a time out for yourself when you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and try to stay calm. Just taking those few minutes to recharge, will make you feel better and your baby boy will pick up on it too. Babies know when we are stressed, they sense it and they respond to how we act. It will be okay... and It will get easier. I am also a first time mom. I have a 2 yr. young daughter, and i find it is very challenging at times, esp. when she tests her limitations with me. :) I hope my words helped. All the best to you!! :) More Hugs!! xo

Debra - posted on 11/11/2012

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No judging, hugs first then suggestions. You are not a terrible mom. Especially as a first time mom, we all have had adjustments to make. Something to consider is using some soothing music. You may have to look under "New age" or "Soundscapes" - It's the type that play soft music combined with nature sounds. This alone saved my sanity. It might even calm little one enough to sleep.



I would definitely talk to the pediatrician; see if there are any ideas they have. Talk to your own doctor as well. Post partum stuff is serious and should not be ignored for your own health sake.



Do you have family or friends close by? Someone that could come by and help watch while yo recharge a little?

Kim - posted on 11/11/2012

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Don't beat yourself up over this new bornns require a lot. With my oldest son my mother in law suggested that I place a wind up clock in or near his bed the tickingresembled the heartbeat. I then laid him down for a nap at the same time everday (when possible) so the sschedule with the clock did the trick. On days when he didn't nap I still kept him in his room (with monitor) and I got some rest. Like you I was in school while off work for extended maternity leave. By the time I went back to work he was on a schedule. Try the clock.

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I also agree that baby-wearing is a great idea. And since you only gave birth a few months ago, your hormones are still pretty crazy. Not you! I don't think you need any meds, but that's my opinion. You could talk to your doc if you're concerned. What I am concerned about is how little he sleeps. I think he should be sleeping more than that. My daughter always woke up when I would lay her down. Only when she was sleeping really hard could I put her down. I also EBFed for her infanthood. I still BF at night to help her calm and go to sleep.



Here's a suggestion, take it or leave it. It worked for me, might not for you. I still have to do this every time I need her to go to sleep. I lay down with her in my bed with pillows on her other side so she can't roll that direction. After she was sleeping, I could get up carefully and then put more pillows on the other side of the bed so she couldn't roll either direction to get off the bed. Don't put the pillows close by, they're just there as a barrier. Then I would do anything I needed to do in my room where I could see her. When she was that age, sometimes she would sleep in her swing. And of course, there's always driving in the car.



I would talk to his pediatrician about how little he sleeps. Of course you love your baby and you're a good mom! You wouldn't be asking anyone for help if you weren't. It sounds to me like what's happening is that he isn't sleeping enough and that is extremely hard on both of you.



Good luck!!

Darcy Sharman - posted on 11/11/2012

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I think we sometimes overestimate how much we will be able to do with a newborn. My baby was a bad napper too (still is at 2 1/2) and needed to be held all day. I had her overseas, a 24 hour flight from our nearest family and with no real friends/support network around, so I can understand how you are feeling. Lots of days my husband came home and asked what I did that day and all I could say was "I held the baby"! Plus, with exhaustion and hormones and the anxieties that come with being a new mother, concentration is shot a lot of the time and it's hard to focus on anything.



I wore my baby and I second the people suggesting you try it. They do settle better when they are in a sling or a wrap close to you, and if you are wearing them in front you can adjust the sling/wrap to breastfeed without taking them out as well. With a wrap you can wear a baby on your back as well, which means you can get some housework done while baby is up there if you choose. Wraps in particular distribute the weight all around your shoulders and back so wearing a 20lb+ baby is achievable. Most slings and wraps are good to 35-40lbs. I still wear mine at her age now both front (in a sling) and back (in a wrap).



My girl still will not nap alone, and I find that if I lay on the bed with her she sleeps MUCH longer than if I am holding her or if I put her down. Can you take your son and your laptop to your bed and work on some homework while you lie there with him? Or just take that time to rest, read a book or something like that? My experience is that even though lying down with her doesn't "give me a break" per se, it does help me relax and appreciate her more if I am resting with her, seeing her sleep.



I also agree that you should talk with your husband, and maybe you can find a mother's group/la leche league/mother and baby class you can attend to meet other new mothers? Lots of those kinds of things are low-cost or free. You might also meet someone you could trade babysitting days with, or just commiserate with. I know it probably feels like you are all alone right now--that's how it felt for me--but you really are not alone--you are perfectly normal and your feelings are perfectly normal too. Speaking to your doctor if you really feel overwhelmed is a good idea too. Even if you don't need/want medication, perhaps s/he could connect you to a support network.

Gemma - posted on 11/11/2012

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I think you are a wonderful mother for wanting the best for your baby & your family. All mothers undergo such events when bringing up a baby. When I was a young Mom & my husband also worked full time, and he sometimes comes home 1 a month, I really had no choice but give up my job & put on hold my graduate studies, too. And bonding with my two young children was the best thing I have done. Being mother, full time employee & grad student was just too stressful for me. You know, we ourselves are the ones putting pressure on ourselves.So I said, I'll give time to my children first. I wasn't temperamental anymore I could better attend to my husband, too, the children are in good health, I am in good health, too. We are a happy family. Three can live as cheaply as one, we didn't need to be affluent. Since my husband had a better attentive wife, he was able to put more effort in his job & got a promotion. I "played mom" for 4 years. When the kids were attending school, I got back to school & a better job. Our son is now a doctor, our daughter a computer engineer. I have retired with few wrinkles & am enjoying travel. Talk this over with your husband. Be a wife & mother first. Time won't run out on you. God bless.

Diana - posted on 11/11/2012

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Hi heather, im a mom of a 1 and 3 year old . When i had my daughter at 19. I ended up a single mom until she was 6 months. Raising a child weather ur young or not, single or married, rich or poor, is very difficult. There are still times where a catch my self losing my temper. EVERY mom struggles, especially emotionally. Please dont be so hard on yourself. I learned sometimes you just have to walk out of the room and give yourself five minutes to breath and come back. I learned to put my kids on a schedule, the earlier the age the better. My son is one and he has a nap at 9am and 1pm. Goes to bed at 6pm and wakes up at 6am. It may take a little bit, but it helps so much, because they rest and you get a break. Also, my mom taught me to use pillows to put on my daighters stomach when she falls asleep when im holding her. It made her think i was still holding her after she fell asleep. The weight of the pillows was like the pressure of mt stomach against hers when i was holding her. I want you to know, it takes a lot to raise a child physically and emotionally, especially when u have to do majority of it by yourself. You are strong, be proud , your an amazing mommy!!!! My email bigmommad90@gmail.com

Catherine - posted on 11/11/2012

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A good book to read is "Operating Instructions" by Anne Lamott. It tells her story (honestly) of becoming a single mother in her 30's.

Catherine - posted on 11/11/2012

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I am quite certain that the feelings you are having are ones that every mother in the world has had if they are honest. You are stressed and stress has a way of transfering to the baby. It was on my third baby I finally figured this out and learned that sometimes we needed to be in separate areas of the house. I would put him safely in his crib, walk out and shut the door. Crying does not hurt them. I would take a cup of tea and go sit where ever I could find someplace quiet and just take deep breaths till I was calm. Sometimes he cried himself to sleep, sometimes not. Babies do not have to be held all the time. Crying is natural. It is normal for mothers to cry too. My children are all grown now and I have grandchildren and even 4 greats. When each of these babies was born I told their parents that if they were totally stressed it was time to give themselves a "time out". You are normal and so are your feelings. Wish I could help more.

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