Please do not judge: I need some help.

Heather - posted on 11/09/2012 ( 278 moms have responded )

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Hi! I am new to here, but I really need some help. I am ashamed that I am even at this point, but I don't know what to do. I am crying as I am writing this, because I never imagined it would ever be like this. My husband and I have a 4 month old little boy. He is always happy and usually a pretty calm minded baby. My husband works full time and currently I stay at home, and I am working on my master's full time. I have never had a temper problem, or been super emotional but lately I find my self losing control a lot. For example, my son is very energetic, and very rarely takes naps. He does sleep through the night 11pm- 5 or 6am) but maybe one nap during the day if I am lucky. Most days I am fine, but then some days like today he doesn't nap and here it is 6:00 p.m. and we have been up since 6:00 am with no nap and I am exhausted! I haven't had a break and I then get overwhelmed because I have assignments due everyday. I then find myself yelling at my baby to just go to sleep and then of course he cries more... so I lay him down and try to walk away for a minute but the crying just makes it worse. So I take a deep breath come back and rock him or try to put him to sleep. He will fall asleep in my arms and as soon as I lay him down, he wakes up! I already have problems with my back as I am 5'1 and my 4 month old weighs 20 lbs. and is 28 inches long (he is breast fed). So the constant up and down kills my back which then makes the situation even worse. I do not want this to continue because my husband and I have worked too hard so far to make our son happy and I don't want to screw it up. I hate the idea of taking anxiety medicine for my nerves, but I am not really sure what to do. On these days I cry just as much as he does, and then I resent myself and feel like the worst mother alive... I mean who yells at a 4 month old! My husband tries to help as much as he can, but he has to work so it is just me. Even he doesn't know how stressed I am, because I am so scared he will judge me or think I am crazy. Hell, I think I am crazy. My son means the world to me, and I want to feel better and have more energy to be the best mom I can for him... I just don't know how. Please do not judge me as this was really hard to begin with. I just really need some help, support, love... something. :(

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Natalie - posted on 11/11/2012

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WoW so sorry ur having to go through this. I completely understand how u feel. I have only been a mom for 3 yrs n was very content. So u can imagine my frustration when I found out I was pregnant again. The same month I was to give birth my husband got sole custody of his 10 yr old from a previous marriage. I had so many mixed emotions. I went from a mother of 1-3 in less than a month. But back to ur situation. Have u tried putting him into a jumper? My son is 6 months n loves it. He jumps himself to sleep.

Michelle - posted on 11/11/2012

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Hi Heather,

First, you are not a bad mother. You took a step to put it out there that you are having a problem and are concerned that maybe it will only get worst. Here is my advice for you. First, communicate with your husband. about how you are feeling. I don't think he is going to think you are crazy. Which by the way, you are not crazy either. When you start to feel like you are going to get upset and yell, your best action would be to walk away. Place your baby in his crib or his swing(if you have one) and just go sit down, or walk outside. If he is crying, that is ok. He will be fine. I am a first time mother as well and work full time. My son is now 2 1/2 and there are days where I get stressed as well. It is a normal feeling, but you need to make sure you communicate with the people around you. Have you tried taking your son on a walk when you feel it is time to take a nap? I also suggest talking to your doctor. I understand not wanting to take pills, but there might be other ways of dealing with your stress. Hang in there Heather. You will be just fine

Rachel - posted on 11/11/2012

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Maybe someone has said this, dont have tome for replies. I wore my son on yhe moby and bounced on a ball for a lot of naps. Its not an ideal solution, but i was able to get mt grad work done that way. Good luck.

Belinda - posted on 11/11/2012

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you do not have to pick your baby up every time he cry , im a loving mother of 3 and my mother taught me that with my first one because she saw how stressed out i was .And she also told me that It will also help me when I need someone to watch him because people can b unkind to children , especially a baby that cries a lot. Also try putting him in a swing with hanging melody songs. You gonna do good , I'll b praying for you.

Sharon - posted on 11/11/2012

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You are exhausted! No one functions properly when exhausted. The best thibg yoyr could do for yourself & your son right now is take a break from your study. The course will still be there in a year, but this very precious time in yr son's life wont be.

I understand yelling & then feeling like crap for doing it & yet not being able to stop. I had severe pnd with my daughter, with a painful spinal injury on top. I wanted her gone... In times like that you need to drop everything that's isn't essential to survival, rest, focus on self-care, the needs of your baby, and get in some outside help if possible so you can get more rest too.



Good luck. These early months are the toughest.

Galinka - posted on 11/11/2012

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I live in Carmichael. How far is that from you? I would come and baby sit for you while you get sleep or do your assignments. -Galina

Laurie - posted on 11/11/2012

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I can totally sympathize with where you're coming from. I have been in your shoes- I live in a new state where I have no support structure. I am a full time student, I have a husband who works full time, 3 kids and more responsibilities than one person should have... It's exhausting and frustrating, and completely overwhelming to not be able to take a break or quit school. My suggesting is this... Take the meds until you can gain focus. Set yourself a goal of 3 months to get yourself back on track mentally before going off them. Be dilligent about taking them, it's really important not to try to go off them on your ow people have a bad stigma about feeling like a failure for turning to meds for help but you wouldn't try to set a broken bone on your own or stitch a gaping wound, would you? Just because you can't see it, doesn't make the pain and frustration you feel irrelevant. My next suggestion would be to take a semester off and enjoy becoming a parent. If you can't, take off for one class to clear your head and sleep. Take your vitamins. Sleep when baby sleeps, do not use this time for cleaning and running errands. find someone who has an older kid who wants to make a few dollars a week by coming in and doing random chores like taking out the trash and washing dishes its $5 well spent. Also, go to your doc and have them do a check on Thyroid. Take it from a mom who has and is still dealing with this, it DOES get better as they get older. No person can be perfect at everything. And, last but not least- TALK to your husband. He needs to understand how you feel so that you can get his support as you go through this. Good luck!

Laurie - posted on 11/11/2012

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I can totally sympathies with where you're coming from. I have been in your shoes- I live in a new state where I have no support structure. I am a full time student, I have a husband who works full time, 3 kids and more responsibilities than one person should have... It's exhausting and frustrating, and completely overwhelming to not be able to take a break or quit school. My suggesting is this... Take the med until you can gain focus. Set yourself a goal of 3 months to get yourself back on trac mentally before going off them. Be dilligent about taking them, it's really important not to try to go off them on your ow people have a bad stigma about feeling like a failure for turning to meds for help but you wouldn't try to set a broken bone on your own or stitch a gaping wound, would you? Just because you can't see it, doesn't make the pain and frustration you feel irrelevant. My next suggestion would be to take a semester off and enjoy becoming a parent. If tyou can't, take off for one clas to clear your hea and sleep. Take your vitamins. Sleep when baby sleeps, not cleaning and running errands. fin someone who has a kid who wants to make a few dollars a week by coming in and doing random chores. Taking out the trash and washing dishes is $5 well spent. Also, go to your doc and have them do a check for thyroid. Take it from a mom who has and is still dealing with this, it DOeS get better as they get older. No person can be perfect at everything. Good luck!

Allison - posted on 11/11/2012

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Hang in there, you are not alone. You need to join a mom's group and connect with other mothers who may be able to trade you some time... The most important thing is to not judge yourself and GET HELP... maybe a nearby relative or neighbor could watch your baby for an hour or two just to give you a break. Good luck and reach out to the people you know...

Elizabeth - posted on 11/11/2012

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Yes baby wearing is such a good idea! Both my babies were born very small (5.12 & my son 4.14) and im very small as well at 5'6 and 104. i feel your pain. i have lupus and fibromyalga so picking then up and all is a real pain lol. i was lucky with my first. a perfect baby. my son on the other hand not so perfect lol. i had to do something! So some moms suggested baby wearing. it did so much good for us both. i was able to get one very cheap and it even helped big time at the grocery srore. not carrying the very heavy car seat or even not having to worry about strangers trying to touch or wake him. you MUST have time for you! i went thru the same thing as you hun, the best two things i did was to start wearing and i always took a nap with him. he was never good with naps untill i started to lay down with him. he went from maybe 30 min a day to about 2-3 hrs. i would set the alarm on my phone and get up after 30-45 min and set aside half of the rest for me time. you are Not a bad person. you are NOT a bad mom. you are loved. i will keep you in my prayers

Kim - posted on 11/11/2012

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I think this is the part about being a parent (esp. stay at home with baby 24/ parent) no one likes to tell you about. Hubby in the evening helping with baby is nice but your brain is still baby centered even though your body isn't. If you have a friend close by that could watch your little one for an hour or two just a few days a week it helps. Also know that your hormones are still a little craizy. The other thing you need is some adult conversation time!! Everyone always says how wonderful it is that they got to stay home and block out the horrible part of being alone, tired, and frustrated.



When you lay your son down and he wakes up it could be because where you are laying him is cold. (someone told me that) I got a heating pad (one that turns off on its own incase you forget to turn it off) lay it where you will lay baby and turn it on. Feed baby etc. pull heating pad out then lay baby in the warm spot! Sleep happens but don't forget to turn off the heating pad once the wonderful still sleeping baby is layed down.

Kathy - posted on 11/11/2012

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Maybe you have to give him a tbs of bablam. He is probably hungry. Doctors don,t tell you to, but quite often they need to fill their little bellies and they will sleep. Kathy

Leza - posted on 11/11/2012

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Here are some tips in case you're not already doing them. Swaddle. This has worked with all four of my kids. Also, he may not be getting full enough. This happened with my third child so I breast fed him then gave him a bottle of formula. This resulted in him sleeping longer because he had a full tummy. So, swaddle him when you feed and try supplementing with formula. Let me know how it goes.

Karen - posted on 11/10/2012

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Hi, I had 7 children , I had the most difficult 1 first , THANK GOD ,,then it can only get better , she never slept . I did not have to work , but did leave school for a while, as the other children cam along and yes they were better sleepers ( that child is now 34 and still a terrible sleeper , as am I ) I think babaies are born with there own sleep patterns , you can only schedule them so much and until you have ababy who doesnt nap , you cant understand.



i found that putting a heating pad in the crib to warm it and then of course taking it out ,,before putting baby in ,,had the crib warm and the shock of going from warm body to cold crib did not wake her and I found she slept well in the infant swing , so I would put her in and let her nap there or in a car seat set in the crib after she fell asleep in the car , then I was able to get some rest ,,it will get better ,,someday he will be a teenager and will want to sleep late and nap ,,not much help now , but it will get better, take care of yourself.

Mom - posted on 11/10/2012

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If you are tired and stressed your baby feels it and will be upset too.So take care of yourself and do what you need to get through the hard times.Play music or radio that helps keep babies calm too.Will also help your mood.I love the children's music.It just cheers me up too.

Kristy - posted on 11/10/2012

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I know this might be difficult to hear, but you may need to seek some help because you may have some postpardum depression. I was in denial for a long time about this. Of course it is normal when you are sleep-deprived to be irritable, but if you find yourself "losing it" with your son, it may be more than just normal adjustment. I tried so hard to make it through without family support and just kept trying to keep it together after the birth of our daughter, but finally it was too much. I read up on postpardum depression and talked to my doctor. With just a little bit of medication I felt SO MUCH better, and it has made all the difference. I think that it is sometimes hard to admit that we are struggling, but postpardum depression is real and needs real treatment. Finally, do not be too hard on yourself. It is obvious that you love your little one so much. It will get better as he gets older. I just really urge you to think about this and be open to the possibility of talking to your doctor.

Tiana - posted on 11/10/2012

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Hello sweetie first of i would neva judge u bcaus yur humanchoice &i hve 5 kids so ive been thier & im 90% sure other moms hve been In yur shoes but u need 2 get yur baby On a schedule were a nap mid day is a part of that schedule & u hve 2 b consisdent. Or hve u eva considered daycare

Liz - posted on 11/10/2012

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Hi. You are most definately not alone!!! We all feel like screaming and crying, even knowing that it won't make a jot of difference to how well our baby will sleep - knowing that it will make it worse. First of all, it will get easier - eventually! Your little 4 month old angel will start to sit up on his own and be following you round crawling everywhere before you know it. For now though, do you have anyone who can help you out for a couple of hours a day/week? If you can get him onto taking a bottle with breast milk or formula you could use the time to sleep or study - which ever is your priority that day. If this is not an option I think you will have to say to yourself that the daytime is dedicated to your bundle of joy and you will study when he goes to bed - otherwise you will drive yourself nuts and feel like the worst mother in the world (which I'm sure you're not!). If he does go down for a nap (mine - 6 months - still only has 2 x 10min to 30min naps in the day - sleeping through the night, though as well), take the time to sit and relax, have a cup of tea and breathe! Starting to study if he does go down and then finding him waking after only a short time will be incredibly frustrating. Good luck and breathe!

Christi - posted on 11/10/2012

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Have you considered baby wearing? I worked full-time and had a very active infant, too. Found that to be a big soother for him, and kept my hands free to do what I needed most of the day. I also have scoliosis, and found that the first 2 days were a big adjustment, but once I found the correct positioning for me it was magic. Hope this helps!

Maria - posted on 11/10/2012

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It's okay we are here for you!!! First I think you should stop taking that medicine. At night try giving lil man a nice warm bath with some Johnson's bed time bath(It's In a purple bottle) and put some cereal in his milk. At 4 months I know he's very observing, so when your tryin to do some homework put in a baby educational movie or Barney something that might get his attention. Everything will be okay, hang in there.

Heather - posted on 11/09/2012

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I do have a lap top, but most of my assignments require internet. I guess I could take my kindle with me when we go out to use for homework,where there is wifi. So that would help some.



Thanks ladies, I appreciate all the support! :)

Kim - posted on 11/09/2012

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Do you have a laptop? Can you take him out to a park? Let him sleep in the stroller and you can work on homework?

Heather - posted on 11/09/2012

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Thanks ladies.. I truly appreciate it. My hubby does help, he usually takes over at night when he gets home. It is just hard because he works from 10am-8pm every day except Mon-Tue. So when he gets off, he is already exhausted too, plus he helps if Braeden wakes during the night ( he usually doesn't though). Then on Monday's and Tuesday's he takes over for the majority of the day so I can work on homework. Between homework, and my son I am lucky to get the house cleaned 2 times a month, I just work on it as I have time (or if someone is coming over.. lol). So I feel bad because I know my husband is doing everything he can to help but for some reason mentally it is not enough. I do good most days but then others I can barely keep it together. It's almost like I want to just get away by myself, and I feel like I shouldn't feel that way. The only problem is we don't have the money for anything extra, only being on one income. Our families are over 3 hours away so we also don't have that support. I have a few friends nearby, but they are exactly the child caring kind. So it just puts me back at square one. I did get to paint my nails the other day, it was the first time I had since I had my son. (4 1/2 months.)



I just don't want to be taking my exhaustion out on my son, he is only a baby and has no idea what is going on. It is not his fault that I can't seem to handle everything right now and I just don't know how to get a better handle on it, or actually just how to handle it on the days when he doesn't nap and I get overwhelmed; which lately seems to be at least 3 times a week. He naps great if we are out, the only problem is if we are out I can't get homework done. I have even tried going out just til he fell asleep and coming back... didn't work. :(



Plus I feel bad because he is an AMAZING baby, I mean other than these bad days he never really cries, he sleeps through the night, and I just feel horrible considering there are so many women out there with babies much worse than mine and here I am complaining and I can't even handle the food on my plate. :(

Melissa - posted on 11/09/2012

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Please dont feel bad about feeling this way. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. You sound exhausted and need some rest and time to yourself! Do you have any family members or friends that could step in and help you out?

You HAVE to let your husband know. You and your husband are in this together. You have to explain to him how stressed you feel and let him know you both need to figure out what to do to help you out. Your mental health is very important!! Maybe your husband could take a couple of nights a week and care for your baby and allow you to go to bed early. If you breastfeed, pump a bottle for your husband to feed him before bed.

Your NOT being selfish! Not only do you have alot going on, your body is still recovering from the birth. You still need extra rest and your not getting it.

Maybe for awhile, you could lay down with your baby during the early afternoon and nap with him. If your not caring for yourself, your not going to be the mom you want to be. I know its hard because you feel your baby comes first, but you HAVE to do what it takes to care for yourself!

Lacye - posted on 11/09/2012

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Honestly, every woman in the world has felt the same way and if they haven't, they are either lying or they are on some pretty fucking awesome drugs. Trust me. Nobody is going to judge you for feeling this way.



You really do need some alone time. It will do you more good than you would know. It sounds like you have a really supportive husband and that is great.

Kim - posted on 11/09/2012

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Leave the housework alone for a day or ask hubs to help there. If you aren't on the game something will drop. Happy mama, happy house.

Heather - posted on 11/09/2012

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Unfortunately all our family is about 3 hours away. I breast feed so unless I can pump enough for the day, I don't really get a break. When my hubby has a day off, he usually does try to take over (except for feedings) so I can do homework or housework, whatever needs to be done. I just feel so horrible because I feel like I am meeting everyones needs but my own, and it seems it will be that way for a while.

Kim - posted on 11/09/2012

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I think we've all had days like this. Do you have family around that could watch your son for a day to give you a little break? Maybe your husband could take over for the day allowing you time to get out of the house and maybe have girlfriend time or massage. Nothing is wrong with asking for help or asking for a break. It will help your well being which in turn will help your son too. *hugs*

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