Please give advice on raising Teenagers????

Vicky - posted on 12/30/2008 ( 89 moms have responded )

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I have 3 Teenagers any advice other mom's can give I will listen and hopefully learn from words of wisdom.

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User - posted on 12/30/2008

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A doc once told me 'relax and remember, a lot of it is chemical' so I keep that in mind. Also, let your house be the place that all the friends come so you can meet them and know what's going on. It will cost you in groceries and save you in so many other ways. Be involved in their lives, their school (so many parents stop this in elementary), go out with them to movies, etc, listen to them, be a friendly parent not a parent who's their friend and find ways for them to explore their passion even if you think its ridiculous, silly or will only last a month. If you think they are holding out on you or don't share a lot then initiate conversations while driving so noone can run away and they don't have to make eye contact.

Sheila - posted on 12/30/2008

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I have 2 that are married and one who graduates this year, so there is a wide range of ages. One thing I have always tried to do is learn from my mistakes and being able to tell my teenager that I was wrong and ask them to forgive me seemed to be a breaking point, when they coud see that I was not always right. Make sense? We always support them by having a listening ear and speaking the truth in love. As a mom I pray my children have seen me love them unconditionally and spending time in Gods word. I tell them when I have prayeds a specific scripture for them. Sometimes the acknowledge it and sometimes not a word said but I hope it has encouraged them. Press on and never give up. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. Pray dor them, listen to them and love them unconditionally..

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Best advice I have used in raising my 2 teenage daughters is keep the rules the rules and don't give way. I have seen so many moms afraid to be strict on the rules and it causes so much confusion and dis-respect. You have to love as hard as you disipline. If you had to disipline hard that day, love hard too. I'm a strict mom, but always have been. So, now the hard work is over and I just enjoy them. The girls talk to me about a lot of things in their life and I'm grateful for that. Live in front of your kids how you expect them to live. I make sure they are busy at school and have a place to fit in. Busy teenagers stay out of trouble. My girls are in the band and wanted to quit many times, but our rule is when you start something, you finish it. No quitting. It was a neat joy when my oldest (a senior) came to me and said, "Mom, I'm so glad you didn't let me quit band all those times I wanted to. I love every minute of it." I hugged her and whispered "thanks" to God. You won't always do the right thing, but constantly praying to God for guidance has always helped me and gotten me out of a lot of trouble.



All of that to say, enjoy your teens! They love spending time with their parents even if they say they don't. Remember, when CNN did the survey with teens about who had the most influence in their life, 98% said their parents. Pray, enjoy, and don't be afraid to apologize when you have to. In a blink they will be gone.

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Vickie - posted on 09/13/2011

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If you can manage it, take one on one time with each of them, maybe one time a month make it their day that you can do something with one of them. Set aside 3 days a month and maybe you could even let your teen choose what they want to do with you and you can take that time to really open up conversation too if there is something that is going on that you need to discuss with them. Maybe go to the Mall for a new outfit or a game for whatever system they have and while you are there you can walk the Mall and chat, or take the teen out to eat at their favorite restaurant. Anything within reason that said teen would like to do with you.

Helene - posted on 01/11/2009

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I agree with Cari Hanson. Letting them know you love them and keeping the lines of communication open are vital. Also standing your ground on the big things; i.e. the values you want your kid to have. That's why I joined face book. My daughter and most of her friends are on there and it's just another way of communicating with them. Our house is open to them too...it's inconvenient and expensive at times but I know where she is and what's going on in her life.

Cari - posted on 01/10/2009

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I agreewhole hearted with Maura Champagne's comment, I would however add that when they are the furthest away from you is when they need you the most. Asking for a hug relieves a lot of tention between you and them but try to have an intimate relationship with each one, perhaps sending a card in their back packs or a note with I love you even when communication is hard thats when they need to know you are there and you still love them. Text are great, just an i've been thinking about you and love you. Sometimes they seem so rebellious and it's really natural for them to be that way. Or else we'd never want them to leave us but they are just begining their independence. But love and acceptance is everything thats the age they convince themselves that we don't love them so love love love may it be through writing or texting thats what they need more than anything.

Lisa - posted on 01/10/2009

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there is no words of wisdom no 2 teenagers are the same my 18 year old would have you round the throat as look at you i have learned one thing dont raise to the bait if shes in a mood go out shopping dont argue back it dosent work you just end up with a headache you wil find your way good luck

Lauri - posted on 01/09/2009

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Quoting Hilja:

Hello, I feel your pain and your joy! I have 4 beautiful children, 21, 19, 17 and 10. When they were small and I was stressed out I couldn't wait until they could be more independent. Obviously, they are independent from the day they are born, but just in the needing me so much part. Then when they became especially independent I wanted to stop it!! What I found out is that despite me (good and bad) each child reacts differently. So, even though I parented them the same way my oldest daughter rebelled (staying out all night, shoplifting, not doing well as school, talking back to me -and that's the nice way of saying it), my second daughter (19) might have talked about me, but she did it behind my back, worked hard at school, was in sports, came home when she should and the 17 year old boy is more average, not easy like my second daughter and not like the wild and crazy (said lovingly) oldest daughter. The 10 year old son is average in his attitudes, too. Maybe the oldest daughter felt the divorce more than her younger siblings or maybe it's just karma for all the gray hairs I gave my parents. I come from a family that yells when upset, so I have to say that I lost my voice a few times with my children. :S And I have referred to my children as mosquitoes (they annoy you and you want to swat them). Yes, I really thought that and I am not proud.
Before we know it those teenagers are on their own (we hope). My oldest is married to a lovely man and family and has a baby boy, going to college and seems truly happy (despite me), the second is in college, the third in high school and doing well and the youngest in elementary school and quite independent in a good way.

So, if I could turn back time, I would have been more loving to my teenagers when I most want(ed) to yell at them. I sound like my mother right now, but the time does fly by too fast. I have regrets as a parent. I wish I could turn back time and cherish all moments good and bad with them. I wish I would have hugged my daughter when she came home at 07:00 AM when she snuck out when she was grounded instead of telling her to go find someplace to go. I speak truthfully with you (and others) since I know the ups and downs of teenagers and of myself and I hope my mistakes can help someone else. I would give those rotten scoundrels a lot more love. :) I recently saw that story about the man with two small children and a wife dying of cancer and how he gives lectures about his life. He said that when your kids ask to paint their bedroom let them. Life is too short not too. PS. ear plugs are a must too ;)


Here, Here!  I too know the pain...and you make much sense...especially with the phone call at 3am from the hospital after my daughter got stopped for DUI and then felt sick!  Or the time she calls me on New Years Eve and says, I ran the car off the road...instead of saying- are you all right, I asked where her cell phone was, and told her to go get it...not knowing at the time she had a gash almost a foot long and four inches deep across her thigh!  The lessons we learn as parents are sometimes as strong as the lessons we are trying to convey to our children!   God, let me choose the right way...to grow and learn as much, if not more than my children!

Lauri - posted on 01/09/2009

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I feel your pain...last night wa a challenge. This is the second time this sort of thing has happened. Story...my step son and father had an argument over how much time he has been spending on X-Box live. House rules are 2 hour limit for computer, so we figured this was close enough. Step son thinks since he paid for the machine, he should not have a time limit...consequence...Arguing, screaming between father and son...father tells son to cal his mother to come and get him, and disrespect is not welcom ein this house... My thoughts...the next day...this is the second child this has happened to, different stroy, same plot...Mistakes...father tries to enforce rules...son being typical unruly defiant teenager screams back at father, father gets more angry tells son the gam eis no longer welcome in the house, take it to mothers...son states its not welcome at mothers...father says game will be gone tomorrow...son states it is his, he paid for it...eventually father tells son to leave...MORAL OF THE STORY...set rules, enforce rules...do not let anger run your life! Father obviously let the anger run this argument...Instead of dealing with the situation it is easier to tell the child to get out, go to your mothers...first BIG MISTAKE of divorced parents...DEAL WITH IT YOURSELF...but please, if you demand respect from your child, and demand repect of the rules of the house...than SHOW your child some respect! They only learn from your behavior...Also, as stated in another's comment...apologize for your reaction, for your anger, explain to your child what behavior of theirs prompted your anger, and express again, calmly the rules of the house, and if you set a punishment, reiterate it again...calmly. The ultimate goal here is for you to recognize when you are getting out of control, because if the teenager knows what pushes your buttons, you are at their mercy. And lastly...remember this is a phase...13-17 yrs can be the most trying for any parent with a child going through massive hormone changes. In comparison, look at all the men who go through "mid-life crisis"; or women going through menopause!



My favorite motto: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS!" When they are married and have kids of their own...you can use it to say...I remember when you...

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Be firm. Listen. Keep your eyes and ears open. And when you think something's going on -- check it out. Do not be niave. If the signs are there -- check it out. Make things your business in a respectful way. Lead by example. Get involved in their interests so you know what it is they like. Remind them who's boss in a kind, but firm way. Remember that they are your "children". They may not act like they want you, they may get mad and say mean things to your face and/or behind your back, they may bury themselves in their room for hours (okay, days), but the truth is they love discipline, structure, and consistency. It shows them that you love them and care for their well-being. Reading them a bedtime story is a little unheard of at this age, but a cool movie night is awesome. A night playing Guitar Hero (that you probably stink at) is awesome. One on one time even as a teenager is great. It shows that you love their individuality, and they have your attention...undivided. Hang in there. One day they'll thank you for putting up with them. Just remember to lead by example. When they get out on their own, they'll live what they've seen because it's the only thing they know. That can be scary because we all fail, but give it your best shot.

Patricia - posted on 01/09/2009

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Don't try to be their friend, but always keep the lines of communication open. When the chance is presented really ask them how school was, be specific. Know their teachers what their goals are in life. Don't fight about the little things, fight about the big things like knowing their friends parents, where their going and whose going to be there,ask for phone numbers, make them check in. Don't make them make you feel guilty about these things, you love them your doing these things for their protection.I tried to keep the line of communication open from the time my kids were young and when the right time came which in this day and age is coming earlier and earlier I was able to talk to them about sex and drugs. I might have talked to them in their language like the kids talk to each other in school but I wanted them to feel comfortable and they did. Even now my grown daughters still talk to me about their problems with their husbands. Wait until your kids get married.Good Luck and I'll pray for you,believe me some days I walked around talking to God all day, my family thought I was crazy.

Darlene - posted on 01/09/2009

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Well~where to begin~I am a mother of 6 kids- oldest is married, 4 are on their own or in college, and 1 son who is 17 at home. We are a blended family, one of the kids is my step son - love him dearly. I treated them with respect - I got respect. I spoke truth - & for the most part I received truth, I loved them unconditionally - they know what love looks like, I made boundaries and rules, simple but important - they tried to follow them. My husband & I joined forces, stayed on the same page, supported each other - our kids knew they couldn't get away with much so they didn't try. We made a point to stay involved in their lives & get to know their friends, yes it is your business & your most important job - they will appreciate when they get older - I promise. Have fun with your kids, laugh, be goofy, play games & sports with them, but whatever you do please don't try to dress, talk, or be their best friend, right now they don't need you as a best friend - most likely they have one or more - they need parents who will be their for them and be their advocate - because if you don't who will? Most importantly we took our kids to church - they know God personally and I wouldn't trade that for anything. You'll make it, maybe with some battle wounds, but for the better I bet. Blessings during this season of your life.

Chrys - posted on 01/08/2009

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Hi, I have 1 married child, one 18 year old out on his own and and 3 teenagers in the house right now. I have found that an incredible sense of humor is necessary. When talking with them about things instead of adding your "2 cents" just do a lot of "hmmm" "really" "huh" "wow" "and then what?"

Unless they have proven to be untrustworthy, give them the impression that you trust them and maybe even extend a little added privelage here and there as a surprise incentive. Dont forget the level of "hormone poisoning" that exists in the teenage brain/body! They really have a hard time and sometimes dont even realize it. Message me on facebook if you want to vent or chat about it. I feel like the teen years have been the toughest part of my parenting ( triplets would be easier! :P )

Connie - posted on 01/08/2009

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I'm new at the teen thing too.  But what I feel I do alright about with my teen is talking to him quite often and doing activities w/him that he likes, whether it's with just him or him and his friends rather than planning my day for myself.  Keeping a strong front with discipline and rules and being on the same page with my husband helps.  My son recently got depressed because of hormones and social problems at school so I've talked him into seeing a counselor, I'm excited to see how that turns out.  Even if a teen isn't depressed, they still need someone of good morals to talk to and get things off their mind.

Hilja - posted on 01/08/2009

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Hello, I feel your pain and your joy! I have 4 beautiful children, 21, 19, 17 and 10. When they were small and I was stressed out I couldn't wait until they could be more independent. Obviously, they are independent from the day they are born, but just in the needing me so much part. Then when they became especially independent I wanted to stop it!! What I found out is that despite me (good and bad) each child reacts differently. So, even though I parented them the same way my oldest daughter rebelled (staying out all night, shoplifting, not doing well as school, talking back to me -and that's the nice way of saying it), my second daughter (19) might have talked about me, but she did it behind my back, worked hard at school, was in sports, came home when she should and the 17 year old boy is more average, not easy like my second daughter and not like the wild and crazy (said lovingly) oldest daughter. The 10 year old son is average in his attitudes, too. Maybe the oldest daughter felt the divorce more than her younger siblings or maybe it's just karma for all the gray hairs I gave my parents. I come from a family that yells when upset, so I have to say that I lost my voice a few times with my children. :S And I have referred to my children as mosquitoes (they annoy you and you want to swat them). Yes, I really thought that and I am not proud.
Before we know it those teenagers are on their own (we hope). My oldest is married to a lovely man and family and has a baby boy, going to college and seems truly happy (despite me), the second is in college, the third in high school and doing well and the youngest in elementary school and quite independent in a good way.

So, if I could turn back time, I would have been more loving to my teenagers when I most want(ed) to yell at them. I sound like my mother right now, but the time does fly by too fast. I have regrets as a parent. I wish I could turn back time and cherish all moments good and bad with them. I wish I would have hugged my daughter when she came home at 07:00 AM when she snuck out when she was grounded instead of telling her to go find someplace to go. I speak truthfully with you (and others) since I know the ups and downs of teenagers and of myself and I hope my mistakes can help someone else. I would give those rotten scoundrels a lot more love. :) I recently saw that story about the man with two small children and a wife dying of cancer and how he gives lectures about his life. He said that when your kids ask to paint their bedroom let them. Life is too short not too. PS. ear plugs are a must too ;)

Madeline - posted on 01/07/2009

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Hi I am a mother of 4 girls ages 22,18,17 & 14 raising teenagers is not easy but with a lot of communication been kind of flexible with them makes it more satisfactory I repeat is not easy but I communicate a lot with my girls I give them trust and space but always asking them how was their day at school or at work giving them time to express them self and show their emotions be a good listener and if they make a mistake don't judge them give them good advices put your self in their shoes and you see...it works for me...let me know of any changes in your relations with your teens

Gwyneth - posted on 01/07/2009

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Teenagers come with no book of wisdom.



We all have been there and so it's trial and error. You will make mistakes but the things we get right will always outweigh the one's we get wrong.



Be patient. Learn to count to ten more if need be. Pick up the pieces when needed.



Remember they are always our children and love them.



Its tough. Mine thanakfully are now 35 and 25. I have been lucky, but it's been visit with moments of joy.



Good luck.



Remember we are here for you too.

Gwyneth - posted on 01/07/2009

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Quoting Vicky:

Please give advice on raising Teenagers????

I have 3 Teenagers any advice other mom's can give I will listen and hopefully learn from words of wisdom.


 

Helene - posted on 01/07/2009

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Thank you all for the great advice. I have a 15 year old and a 12 year old, both girls. I feel like I'm learning to parent all over again :) Patience and prayer are pulling us through, as well as being involved in their lives.

Paula - posted on 01/07/2009

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i have 2 teenage girls 16 and 15. the 16 year old likes to think she is all grown up and can,t be told wot to do any more lol. the 15 years old still stamps her feet and argues back but i,ve learnt to just laugh at them or ignore them.....some times they know wot buttons to press to make us shout lol

Paula - posted on 01/07/2009

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i have 2 teenage girls 16 and 15. the 16 year old likes to think she is all grown up and can,t be told wot to do any more lol. the 15 years old still stamps her feet and argues back but i,ve learnt to just laugh at them or ignore them.....some times they know wot buttons to press to make us shout lol

Kate - posted on 01/07/2009

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Hang in there!  I have 2 teenage boys and 1 nine year old.  They don't always have to like me but they do need to respect me!  Here are some things I do with my boys.



1. Always drive when possible.  They forget you are there and start talking to their friends.  I've gotten a lot of info this way!  The car is a great place to talk to them too!  They have a hard time with direct eye contact while talking about a touchy subject.  This way they can communicate with you without looking at you!



2. Teenagers are on China time!  They will come into your room at midnight to hang out and talk!  Never pass this up.  Fight thru the fatigue and listen!



3. Tuck them in at night.  Sit on the edge of the bed and tickle,scratch or rub their back.  They will be relaxed and more open to talking to you!



4.  Don't take moods personally!  They still love you,they just can't stand you! 



5. See comment at top!  Always demand respect.  They can sulk or cry in their room.  If they are rude or talking back,I ignore them just like when I wanted them to stop whining when they were 4.  I would say "Mommy can't hear you when you talk like that."  They get it pretty quick!



Good Luck and God Bless!



~Kate

Jennifer - posted on 01/06/2009

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Quoting Seana:

I would have to say that the most important thing to remember is that they are not adults, no matter what they think, and not to treat them as though they are adults. Teenagers are learning how to be adults and it is our job as a parent to teach them how to be a mature, responsible adult. Our job is not to be the best friend, that is why they have friends their own age. This is perhaps the most critical time in raising your child. Do not be afraid to have rules and to enforce those rules. Many times those rules will give your child the out they need from peer pressure, I have no problem being the bad guy if it keeps my child safe. Don't fall for the line why won't you trust me? Teenagers have too many hormones, emotional upheaves, and peer pressure to trust 100%. Teen pregnancy, drop outs, bad behavior, you name it came from the teens that parents said they could trust. Our job is to love and to teach and to provide, it is a hard job but very doable.



I agree wholeheartedly with you!! Too many parents try to be their child's friend. God gave them to us to raise...not to be their friend. Also agree that they are not adults. That's another mistake...we can't let them make "grown up decisions" or be put in a situation too early to have to make those choices.  When people say "over protective" it irritates me b/c that's our job...to protect.  It is our job to make them trustworthy, not necessarily "trust" them.  They are children and shouldn't be put out there to be tested too soon by their peers.  The way I see it is I am responsible to God for the choices I make with my children. Others will say that if I'm "over protective" then they will go wild when they are older. My answer is ..."that will be their decision at that moment, but for now they are my responsibility and I have to answer to God for the decisions I make for them."  Just don't give in to "adult peer pressure"...your peers making you feel guilty for being strict and not letting your child do what all others are doing.  You don't want them doing what all others are doing I can guarantee that.  Just keep open communication and know where they are and who they are with at all times....it is YOUR business!!!

Marie - posted on 01/06/2009

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Hi Vicky,



I have raised 3 children, they now adults and live on their own, one thing I learn is that teenagers don't like us "mom" to treat them like babies, they want to be treated like adults, so let them take some responsibilites, and let them know that no matter what or how they feel, they can always come to you, and you will always be there for them....

Gaye - posted on 01/06/2009

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I began when they were younger and would come to us with a request.  I told them that they didnt' have to like my decision.  But, arguing wasn't going to change it.  They were were told to pray about it and God would either change their mind or mine.  It's happened both ways over the year and saved a lot of whining and tantrums.



I also learned to handle both my children different ways.  My daughter, I could discuss something, we'd talk about it and it worked out.  My son...I have to make a suggestion, give him good reasons and back off.  Eventually he comes to me and usually agrees.



 



A huge thing is to not criticize their friends or anyone their age.  There are ways to point out proper ways to behave or make better decision without being critical of others.



 



Also, when mine started driving they didn't like me always saying "drive safe" when they left.  I told them I trusted them but if something ever happened I'd never forgive myself for not saying it.  to this day, they don't mind me sayiing that or other loving mom phrases.



Good luck and love them lots.

Amanda - posted on 01/06/2009

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Oh my, I have three also, 18, almost 16 and 12 1/2. I have many tricks up my sleeve. But mainly, remember their mind and way of thinking is maturing, expanding and developing. That is where all the mood swings, smart mouth and emotions come from. It stinks and is very hard! Always follow through...and meet other parents, never take their word about where they are going, what they are doing. I would love to chat back and forth because I am sure you are living in the same type of rolar coaster I am in! I also have a 7 year old.



What challenges are you having now? We are having a first real boyfriend with the 15 yr. old girl. Very tough!

Pam - posted on 01/06/2009

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I have a 17 year old and one that just turned 20... One advantage and/or disadvantage, is that they had two houses to go to..... I feel, although did not always follow my thought, is you need to give them some leeway to make their own choices, and therefore the consequences or rewards from those choices. Offer guidance.... best choices, and pray what you taught them along the way is clicking. Also, they have to learn from their mistakes, do not try to fix it for them, let them do it on their own. I also am a firm believer, that you have to let them earn on their own, whether a job thru you or their own job.... handing everything to them, will not prepare them for the future.... plus, ultimately, if they have to buy something themselves, in most cases, they probably will take better care of it.

Deborah - posted on 01/06/2009

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I have three teenagers as well. All girls! WHEW!!! All I can say is always try to be there for them...listen to them...and love them. My eldest will be 20 soon and we've done a pretty good job with her. My policy has always been an open door...they can talk to me about anything at anytime...but if they make a wrong move without talking to me first, they'll have to suffer whatever consequences. They haven't ALWAYS abided by this rule...but we're still o.k. and they love going to church. I hope I helped a little. Have a Blessed day.

Ellie - posted on 01/03/2009

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I have one teenager, left at home, and she is probably the worst "pain in the butt" teenager, I have had........but I love her just the same, as the children that weren't as "difficult"...she is currently a sophmore in High School, working on her drivers license, and heading to Florida this Spring with her Choir group, at the tune of $900 WOW! We have "better" longer entailed "talks" than I needed to have with my other children, BUT I raised 6, alone, one more can't burn me out......lol Happy new Year to all!

Ellie - posted on 01/03/2009

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Well so far, I have raised, (of course, I "grew-up" raising my children, I was just 17 when I started) and had 6 of my 7 children, graduate High School, and move on to be better "people", all left High School, with no pregnancies, not even a close call. Teenangers, think they are miniture adults, and sometimes want to be an adult, and all the while, being a teen. I argued with my children, at times, but in the end, they "understood", my job was to keep them safe, and always reinterate how much you love them! you don't have to "like them" all the time, but you HAVE to love them, always!

Kat - posted on 01/02/2009

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I haven't read all the other posts yet but I have one bit of advice. Don't be hypocritical, teens take that very personally and they don't trust those who say one thing and act another. Just like adults like honesty so do teens. If you are honest with them, they will be honest with you.

Chantal - posted on 01/02/2009

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Hi i have a teen daughter and two sons a year away from being teens themselves , so theres lots of conflict in my home. I have established a mom and daughter group with my daughters peers so that together we raise issues and basically just reassure them that we on their level. Afterall we've been there before. All the best

Seana - posted on 01/02/2009

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Angela - let them know that because they are willing to lie that you no longer trust them and that until they can learn not to lie and earn back your trust they will not be allowed to go anywhere without you except to school because you cannot trust them to behave in a manner that you approve of.

Angela - posted on 01/02/2009

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I have read most of the posts and would agree with them, but how do you do all this. I live in front of my girls the way I want them to live, but they both lie and I cannot stand that. How do you ever get the trust back with your children, when is it okay to trust what they say? I am having a very hard time raising my 16 year old and am scared to death for my 12 year old to turn 13. I remember being difficult with my mother, but I never bold face lied to her face. I think that is the hardest thing I am having trouble with.

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i too have 3 teenagers! Laugh, cry and enjoy. My oldest is 18 and will be leaving for college next fall. That scares me so much, so I am trying to enjoy every moment now and not sweating the small stuff.

Seana - posted on 01/02/2009

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Shanda - you have it right, teens are much harder and way too many parents quit being parents because they want to be "friends" and because it is easier. But the truth is that you are always the parent - always.

Shanda - posted on 01/02/2009

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Having teens is the hardest most challenging part of raising kids, and we all though babies were hard?! No way! Not even close!

No matter what, stay involved, ask questions, give rules to follow and guidelines and talk talk talk to them! So many parents stop parenting when their kids are teens and let them run wild and do whatever they want, but the fact is, they need parenting more than ever before because they are not fully mature yet! The human brain is not fully developed until mid 20's which is why we all make so many stupid decisions when we are teens, which again, is why we need to continue parenting and don't give up!

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I have two teenagers on my own for a long time my advise is just listen to your kids let them be kids i have learned the hard way so within reason i let them do there own thing and give them space cause they aint little kids anymore and that has worked for me and my 16 year old and me get on alot better now yeah we still have our disagreements and its not easy i wish there was some sort of a manual when you had children i agree with christina stay calm the more upset and yelling u do they will fight back so stay calm or go for a walk and calm down i say that to my kids and it does help alot good luck

Shelena - posted on 01/02/2009

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Well, I firmly believe that one must start at birth raising their children by biblical principles however in ministry I have found that so many people wake up to this knowlege when their pre-teen becomes 13! haha...I can tell you that most times than not handling my teens (boys) this way has most of the time been successful: I attempt to take advantage of GOOD times to tell them how proud I am of them for having a good head on their shoulder when it comes to making the right decision. This is very important to do in the good times b/c it strengthens the principle when it gets SHAKY. Also, when there arises circumstances where I want to as a mother step in and make the decision. I simply remind them that I trust them to make the right choice, regardless of how hard it is for me to let them do that. You have to start out with smaller things in life, too. Every chance you have you must reaffirm that you trust them and you are proud of them. In our house, we have standards that we have raised our sons by. A wide range from manners to what movies they are allowed to watch, what kind of friends they can hang with, to dating and whats WISE to do, to talk about, or where to go with a girl....I can tell you that although I dont have perfect sons, raising them this way has made me a firm believer that you will get what you put into a person. I reserve the right to MAKE A DECISION for them, and do so to remind them from time to time. However, by treating them as a teenager with a good head on their shoulder, they do make good decisions most of the time. They are not going to be perfect. You have to remember that!! and Neither are you going to always make the Perfect decision as a parent. Don't sweat the small stuff either...Life is too short. Living this way has soo allowed me to enjoy my boys!!!

Dawn - posted on 01/02/2009

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I have 6 children- the 3 oldest are 28, 24 and 19... the 2 oldest are girls and I have to admit getting the oldest thru high school and then into an adult life--- paying bills, going to school, working a REAL job--- was very trying. But now she is married and expecting her first child in July. She actually thanked me for grounding her at the age of 22 and setting her up on a budget and allowance until she paid off her debts and got thru technical school to be a Certified Medical Assistant. So many times I thought I would go mad, but it was all worth it and as hard as it was I know that it was a lesson for not only her, but her younger siblings. They know I will do the tough love thing and that I will not let them fail.

My 19 year old son is trying my patience, but I will stick to my guns and what I expect from him. He knows I love him and he knows that I will do what I have to in order for him to have a future and a chance to succeed in life. Makes it hard now, but again I know the outcome is worth the angst and strife --- one day he will be a successful whatever he wants to be and that makes it all worth while.

Shannon - posted on 01/02/2009

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I asked the same question once. I was told; Do not be their 'friend'. You are mom, your job is to make sure they have their needs met, love them even when they're behaving unlovable and do what you can to make sure they are safe. Above all else: know what is going on, be involved. It was the best advice I ever had! My daughter hated not getting 'everything' she wanted. She was rebellious against all of my rules. She cried 'how embarrassing' it was when I insisted on talking with other parents and checking up on her. And now she is twenty years old with a son of her own and she knows how important it is to set boundaries and stand by them. Teenagers will kick and scream all the way through (don't forget that they are master manipulators) But in the end, it is so worth it! Blessings to you!

Brigida - posted on 01/02/2009

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My children friends say that I am a cool mam. The secret is to go back and remember the feelings and thoughts you had at the same age and you will see it clearly. Love them throught your hart memories. Feel them and remember.

Karen - posted on 01/02/2009

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Melanie, I agree with you 100 %. My 14 never went through the terrible twos either, And now, I can honestly say I enjoy her company. Yep, she's moody, she has ups and downs, she is a teeager. But, one of the things we did as a toddler was to give her some things that she could control, something to make a decision about, like what to wear that day, etc...so now she has good decision making skills and we have let go (a little) so that she can make some decisions on her own. Of course all age appropriate and within reason. I like what you say about things that make withdrawals. Teenagers already feel so out of control and scattered, so anything that can stabalize that is a good thing.

Melanie - posted on 01/02/2009

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There is a great section in the book by Stephen Covey, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" that talks about relationships. I find it very relevant for teens. Consider reading that book. Anyway, the section I am referring to speaks of relationships as bank accounts. You have to make deposits in a relationship (listening to them talk about something that intersts THEM, doing an activity that THEY enjoy, etc) Anything that you do that is all about what they like and what they want makes a deposit in your relationship bank. Any unsolicited advice, correction or discipline makes a withdrawal, so try to watch those deposits and withdrawals! That concept really stuck with me. Also, just trying to remember how you felt during that time. I remember the stereotyping, the false accusations and the "teenager" jokes that hurt and offended me and make it a point to not participate in that behavior. I rejected the idea of "terrible twos" and have always planned to do the same with "terrible teenagers". I found two to be a wonderful age and look to enjoying my teens just as much. My 13 year old daughter is wonderful. Moody? Sure. But so is her mother. ;-)

Paula - posted on 01/02/2009

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tht sounds like good advice annamarie, i let my eldest who is 16 come n go as she pleases as long as i no she is safe, just wish she would get a job lol.

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HI, i have a 20 year old daughter and we have a really good relationship. I have found that what has worked is when they have problems in their life and talk to you about it, just listen and agree with them....even if you don't really agree. Try not to give your opinion unless they ask for it. This has always kept the communication open. good luck. Annamarie

Paula - posted on 01/02/2009

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i try to guide my teen daughters cathy but they think they no more than me lol, i was a teen mum at 16 and 18, so i know how teens minds work. she listens to the new friends instead of me so i dont bother trying to tell her owt

Cathy - posted on 01/02/2009

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i dont have teen age children but do have 5 teenages brothers n sisters. i bet you children think they no every thing n no wors best for rest of the world. its pointless telling them what to do coz the just wont listern. the best you can do is guide them n tell um the mistakes you made when you where younger.

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