Please help

Miss-Delilah - posted on 02/11/2013

Being nice gets you no where. . .Being smart gets you full custody! Document everything he says to you. . .look up your state laws. Here in Illinois, if the child is born out of wed-lock, the state automatically assumes the mother to have full custody. That means you get to call the shots. . .but If there is already an established visitation agreement, you cannot deny visitation. Call the police every time any physical or verbal abuse happens. . .get a lawyer and show your lawyer the reports. Most lawyer will give you a consolation for only about a hundred dollars. . . It may sound pricey. . .but this is your childs future and safety at risk.

Prachi - posted on 01/07/2013

I would call social services and ask for an advice being an anonymous caller so as to protect yourself from greeting into an unwanted situation.

GERRILYN - posted on 01/06/2013

Like everyone has said no name for the father on bc and don't let them force you into it. This will force him to prove his rights. Personally I believe the second he denied the child was his he gave up his rights.

Do not let him push you into being cornered. If he is doing anything that is harrasing or uncomfortable starft documenting and file for a harrasment charge. Get a restraining order if need be. This way later on there is rpoof of your concern for the safety of your child and your self.

Kathleen - posted on 01/06/2013

I was in a similar situation to you at the same age, if you dont put the fathers name on your babys birth certificate then he has to apply to the court to get a dna test, if he actually does this then you can also fight in court about the threats and your thoughts as the mother, thou he sounds like all talk and you may be lucky enough for him to not be bothered to do anything about it, you can also tell the police about the threats and even say your unsure who the father is but there is a chance its him, that way there wont be any record of you stating its definatly his and yes you may not want to look like you had slept around but in my opinion id rather look like a sl*# than put my baby at risk, dont take that last bit the wrong way, no matter what you do its your decision and as the mother your decision is right, you dont deserve to be put threw this stress and your new man sounds fantastic and i hope everything works out for you and your baby, good luck and all the best :)

Monica - posted on 01/06/2013

As the others have said. Document everything. If he threatens you. If he's doing anything irresponsible that you know about. Good luck.

HOLLY - posted on 01/06/2013

I don't know what state you live in. Search out your local domestic violence group. Get a restraining order for your protection if you are in fear of him. Start a paper trail.
If you are not looking for child support or government assistance DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE CHILD'S BIRTH CERT.
Read
Read
READ family law.
document everything. When he is screaming at you record it.
If he comes over video it.....all of it good bad and ugly

Many will that say that men have the right to a relationship with their children. I agree when they act like men, and not bullies and sperm donors. If you ask a man he will agree. I know many step fathers that have witnessed the emotional hell these dna donors have put kids through just because the courts do not see the harm these bullies are doing

Good luck hon You have a long fight ahead

Missi - posted on 01/06/2013

Unfortunately when they are the biologic father, is tough.Unless he is a danger to the child or you.But you have to prove it.I had 3 girls and was with the father,he was so abusive .I made a big mistake by staying with him for the sake of the children.My kids are now in there 20's and all 3 of them were in abusive relationships.I should have left him when the kids were little.He drank and did drugs and still does.Good Luck

Denise - posted on 01/01/2013

Very seldom is a baby ever taken away from it's mother. It just isn't done. First of all, don't worry about that. Next, write down the date and time he talks ugly to you or threatens you, and what he says. Be specific by writing down where you were and was it in person or by phone. If he threatens to kill anyone, call the police andcreport it-every time! it will be a matter of public record if you have to go to court. Check in with child protective services and see if they have any other advice. Any time you can record conversations is good. Tell him you are recording. He will either stop calling, or talk nicer. Don't call him, ever. That gives fuel to the fire. When you talk, use a nice tone of voice and get off the phone or out of the house quickly. You may need to say you have an appointment and he should have called first. . Let him know that if he comes on your property, without your permission, you will call the police. Then do it! If he wants paternity, then he will have to take you to court. It will never happen. It will affect his drug habit to use that money, so he won't do it. Report when you see him and know he is high. . Just freeze him out.

Jennifer - posted on 01/01/2013

Call Legal Aid. You may qualify for free legal help.

Heather - posted on 12/31/2012

Very valid points here... Don't put him on the birth certificate and document everything he says.... If you can get what his sister says through text message, that would be best because in most cases, family will not go against family in court. Also, when the baby is born tell him if he wants time with her then he will have to go through court to get it... If you allow him time before that then you are contradicting what you are trying to prove in court. If he is threatening you and making you feel uncomfortable then that is reason enough for you not to have him around until there is documentation stating he has rights... Chances are that he is bluffing and just saying these things to hurt you because you have moved on. You could try not talking to him anymore.... After all he has denied your child before and that's not a good man.

Virginia - posted on 12/30/2012

Pleeeezzzzz do not give him any more of your time!!!!!! If you have found a good man to love you and your baby that is all that counts!!!! Please do not let this person to see or have anything to do with your child! It will only bring you grief! I just spent ten years of my life to get a divorce, please be glad you did not marry him!

Faye - posted on 12/30/2012

Oh yes, make sure that all payments are deducted from his payroll and direct deposited into your bank account. It is a headache to wait on payments to be handed, it is full of too much unnecessary psychological drama.

Faye - posted on 12/30/2012

Don't concern yourself with the meaningless threats of your child's father. You need to file a child support case with the court. Request an Acknowledgement of Pregnancy (AOP), which is a requirement in most states to establish paternity. He will change his demeanor when he is forced to pay the piper. I have just finished writing a book titled: "Teenage Parent's Playbook: the WOW effect." It will be released in early 2013. It will get your mind right for the journey you are in the process of taking called life. One of the Principles in the book is the Choice Principle: Life is primarily about choices, and your individual choices determine your circumstances (good or bad).

Trista - posted on 12/30/2012

Also a little something to add if you do not have money and he does and you are very sure you never want him in your child's life play dirty like him and go to the courthouse as early as tomorrow and say you slept with like fifty people and don't know who the father would be they absolutely will not want to pay for all them DNA tests then play it cool for ah while be nice to the guy then bam year or so get him the hell away have the other guy that's there adopt!

Trista - posted on 12/30/2012

Yes you can terminate a persons rights for being a crappy as you will person matter of fact don't let anyone tell you different my best friend just got her rights completely terminated mind you I just said her and in Wisconsin it is a pro mother's state all the way and the question to her always is how in the heck did they terminate her? And I was with her the whole time through this court process and they took her rights all because she was not around for ninety days in the state of Wisconsin if a parent is absent for ninety days or more it is called abandonment short story long is she went to go get help for a bad addiction asked the ex after eight years of him being absent to help her and keep the daughter for a bit and he agreed it was a setup that she did not see comment and a very good mom at that put your best foot forward and take it one day at a time sounds funny but talk to some professional help medical covers it costs nothing and can be a great help hopes this helps a little and I myself have been their for three step sons for five years and in them five years the mother has wanted nothing to do with my kids until recently and I'll be damned if she is gonna step in now and unstabilize them take them from their life and home keep your head up only dead fish go with the flow

Lisa - posted on 12/30/2012

You have parental rnights too. Fight for her and push for child support. Keep every text message and document everything. If you have to talk to him make sure you have witnesses! You'll be ok just keep your head up.

Sheri - posted on 12/30/2012

Doing this now with my "daughter" (the 18yr old that lives with us and I love as my own)....do nothing but communicate via email. Do not say he is the father, but a 'possible father'. Also DO NOT put a name other than yours on the birth certificate. Tell the hospital you are not sure. If you have to say you got drunk once go ahead...your child is worth it. Alsostart collecting all proof of his bad habits...violence, drugs, and anything that would make him dangerous to baby. That way if he does decide to push this into court you can make sure any visits are supervised. At least then he will have to take parenting classes (you might too, but there is nothing wrong with that. What won't a mom to for her kids, right?), rehab, anger management, and whatever else you can get thrown at him. Also random drug testing can be part of the stipulation to get him off of supervised visits. You have so much more power than you know sweetie. Just don't let him scare you into anything. If you back down and start admitting things you give up power, so be wary of what you say and POST. Stay strong...it's what moms do :)

Tinsley - posted on 12/30/2012

You can't terminate his rights. He has rights no matter what cause he's the daddy. But you can go to your local police station and get an order of protection. That will help you out once the baby is born in court, as your defense. If you have any proof of the threats, then make copied or just make sure you have all your evidence available when you go to the police.

Karoline - posted on 12/30/2012

You have not had the baby yet? Do some on line research to see what rights you had he both have. Check with your state to get financial aid to help with basic needs for both your child and yourself. Sounds like he is just upset that you may have a new man in your life. He can't just take the baby because he has money. Having money he may need to pay child support. However, in taking the money he will expect to see his child and have a say in how she is raised. Even without money he may want that and is within his rights to want that. However, if the environment he his providing is not fit then those rights could be temporily suspended. There are websites on line where you could speak to an attorney for little or no cost. It does sound like you need some legal advise. Keep your emotions out as best you can & try for what is best for the baby even if you don't like the father it may be in her best interest to have a father (and not just in name) I am sorry you are going through this. You are so young and it is a tough way to start a family. Hang in there work hard to educate yourself to get a good job to take car of you both. I would refrain from having more children until you can financially provide and be comfortable. My children are 6 1/2 yrs apart. 22 and 15 I have enjoyed the distance, there is nothing wrong with spacing them out and planning parenthood. Deal with where you are now and work hard be patient it all takes time. I know you'd rather rid yourself of this dad but try to see his side and be mature about it. He still has some growing up to do. Best of luck to you and baby. You are blessed! I know it seems hard but you will be ok.

Michelle - posted on 12/30/2012

You need to have a lot of evidence against him to do what you're seeking. It sounds to me like he has some growing up to do. If he is not paying Child Support, I'd suggest you start the proceedings for that. Is he inebriated when he come to get your daughter? If so, do not hand her over. If he makes a stink, call the police.

Shannon - posted on 12/30/2012

i dont know how it is in your state. all states are different, but if he has no contact and/or doesnt pay child support for a certain amount of time than i think his rights can be terminated. if you can prove he drinks a lot and the child may be in danger that may work too. you have to make sure your not dating different people, drinking, drugs, leaving baby a lot or anything like that that he could possibly use against you. just because he has money isnt a reason for him to take the baby. a lot of courts want the mother to take care of it. just watch what you do. take good care of that baby and love her and you shouldnt have anything to worry about. good luck. guys stink.

Melissa - posted on 12/30/2012

Actually, if you were never married, he doesnt have any rights until a judge gives them to him. Keep a detailed journal of every contact including saving text messages in case he decides to go to court for rights. Don't put his name on the bc, let the judge do that if it goes to court. If he's harassing you then get an order keeping you away.

Rebecca - posted on 12/29/2012

Yes I have my own place and I'm due April 30th

Christine - posted on 12/29/2012

Hey girl, he's just saying he's going to take your daughter away to scare you. Judges prefer babies be with mother, unless mother is on drugs or in some mental status to not be able to take care of her baby. I hope you have a home for her. When are you due? Congratulations by the way.

Pamela - posted on 12/28/2012

Seek help from the local Legal Aid office. Most large cities and towns have a branch of Legal Aid. These offices have attorneys that assist those of low income with legal help without pay from the client. They are usually funded with federal, state and county funds. They are also pretty much overworked as there are so many who need their assistance!

You should qualify if, as you state, your income is limited. Be advised that just because the father has money does not mean that the court would give him the child. In fact, they might remove or limit his custody since he is not financially contributing to the child's welfare. They would also make him pay for support unless you have married or plan to do so.

Sarah - posted on 12/28/2012

As someone who was sued for custody at 19, of a child I was still carrying at the time, my best advice for you is to get legal advice from an actual lawyer! The laws are different in every state and it's important to go off information you get from someone who really knows what they are talking about. Definitely document every time you talk to him or see him, and what he says, who he is with and so on. But, where I live, the only way to get supervised visitation is if he agrees to it, or physical assaults you or your actual child directly. My ex was found guilty and put in jail for child endangerment of one of his other children, and I was told that was not enough to get supervised visitation for my child. Luckily, he chose not to come to court that day, so what I wanted was ordered. But, again, get legal advice from a practicing lawyer in your state, and go by what they say.

I want you to be encouraged by the things that are said here, but not deluded and misinformed by them, if that makes any sense!! Good luck to you!! (And, remember never to say anything bad about him or allow any other people to say bad things about him in front of your child. You don't have to like him but you do have to remember that half of your child came from him, so never contribute to her feeling bad about that half. Believe me when I tell you that he will show his true colors to her all on her own without your help at all!!)

Brandy - posted on 12/28/2012

Get legal help. The way it sounds though he's not going to want to put $ into it. If he does fight for custody then he'll have to pay for child support and it's based on his income at the time. Also you can get transcripts of all the txt messages from the phone provider and radio shack has things that will allow you to record the phone conversations.
Good luck
Brandy

Chelsea - posted on 12/27/2012

you really need to investigate your state laws bc every state is different in regards to paternal rights. Contact an attorney so that you know all your options and how to carry out whatever you choose. Keep in mind that by terminating his rights that might also terminate your option for child support so depending on your financial situation, you might want to rethink that.

Charlene - posted on 12/27/2012

I was in a very similar situation with my oldest (she's 6 years old now). I was 18 when I got pregnant with her and 19 when I had her. Her biological father walked out when I was two months pregnant, claimed the baby wasn't his and was partying all the time (he's addicted to and uses meth and heroin). When I had her he was out of the state and didn't sign her birth certificate. This made it to where he would have to prove paternity if he wanted to see her. A paternity test in the state of Nevada through the courts costs $800 and he would have to pay for it. By the time he popped up I was already with someone else and she was almost a year old. Nevada Abandonment Laws state that after a child is born if the other parent has not been involved or had any contact for 6 months they have legally abandoned the child. He threatened me and my boyfriend, with everything from taking my daughter from me to killing the myself and my boyfriend. In this type of situation is should be fairly simple to have his parental rights terminated. You'll have to go through the courts and comply with everything they request. You will have to gather proof that he is unfit to be a parent (proof of alcohol abuse, irresponsibility and so on). It could be quick and easy, prepare yourself for it to take awhile and not to go so easily. Termination cases are typically hard. Mine thankfully made it easy for me, she is almost 7 now and he hasn't seen her in over 5 years. My husband plans to adopt her. Go down to your local family court and speak to someone about your situation and get the information you need to terminate his rights, they can even help you get a restraining order.

Deb - posted on 12/27/2012

I see a lot of people have replied--I personally recommend you contact a domestic violence advocate. They may not be the correct resource for you, however they do have a lot of information and may be able to point you toward legal help. It appears that you are in need of legal guidance--state laws for paternity and custody vary. An attorney would be able to point you in the right direction.

I strongly urge you to contact legal aid if a domestic violence advocate is not able to help you-- If nothing else other than to establish you as the parent with custody. Relying on advice from strangers for legal matter is probably as reliable as having your garbage man remove your kidney. You need real legal help.

Good luck. Be strong for you and your child.

Rena - posted on 12/27/2012

Gabriella suggested legal advice and I agree. The courts generally will not terminate either parents rights unless they do something egregious. Children deserve both parents so be cautious about cutting the father out of your childs life...she/he may resent it in the future if they see that it was your choice. As others have said here he may take no interest in being a parent, and if that proves to be the case so be it, but your child will know that it was not you standing in the way of a relationship with their father. It is tough, I know, but put your child first. Children are very adaptable and as a therapist said to my nephew as he went through a divorce "Divorce doesn't damage children, conflict damages children." Be kind... and good luck.

Gabriela - posted on 12/27/2012

Seek legal advice!

Michelle - posted on 12/27/2012

That's usually just a threat because they are jealous of you moving on with your life. I can't see a man wanting to take care of a baby on his own. They are too much work. My father threatened my mother with the same thing when going through their divorce and there were 3 of us. She called his bluff. We were lucky if he showed up for his once a week visitation. I'm now 44 and still have issues with the jerk.

Rebecca - posted on 12/27/2012

Thank y'all so much ive been worried about if he's gonna take my baby away from me

LaDonna - posted on 12/27/2012

But they will generally only do DNA tests if you are requesting state assistance. Then they want the baby daddy to help foot the bills too. If you aren't asking for any government help, then he will have to sue you for visitation and DNA. Until then, you don't have to let him see her, look at her, touch her, or breath on her!

Heather - posted on 12/27/2012

The court will do a DNA test on the baby and him not you.

LaDonna - posted on 12/27/2012

Actually went through this in my family. First DOCUMENT! Visitation, verbal harrassment, cussings, witnesses, etc. Judges (and police) look at that when deciding to issue restraining orders or supervised visitation.

SECOND, document any type of financial assistance he has given. Judges also look at that when deciding that - he knew he had this child for a year already and didn't buy one set of diapers?????

THIRD, keep an open mind. One of these days he may grow up and your child may want to know him. You're young, just had a baby, and are in another relationship. People change and he may also.

Heather - posted on 12/27/2012

Good idea. You DO NOT have to list the father on the birth certificate. Once that is done he will have to sue to prove paternity which equals $$ and then for visitation rights. If you have the documentation that he has harassed and threatened you that can be admitted in court. If he texted you even better call you phone service provider and get copies of the text he has sent. Good luck!

Niki - posted on 12/27/2012

Document everything. If he sues for paternity, which he will have to do if you don't put his name on the BC, you will have documented proof of his harassment. DO NOT put your new bf's name on the BC either, that is fraud and you can be prosecuted for that and then he would definitely get at least visitation. Play by the rules, play it safe, there is a little person that depends on you now. If you haven't yet delivered and you are worried that he might try to make an appearance at the hospital, tell them in advance that you do not want him there, even provide them with his picture for security purposes, you want your birth to be as stress free as possible.

Michelle - posted on 12/27/2012

His name isn't on the birth certificate...he'll have to prove he's the father. When/if he takes you to family court have his family present to speak against him listing the drug use. Document the date and time of the threatening calls/texts. You can actually forward the texts to an email and print them out as evidence of harrassment and verbal abuse. Start a paper trail of "evidence" of being an unfit father. He may have money, but you have the support of a loving boyfriend who's been there from the beginning. His battle is going to be hard fought. My boyfriend WANTS to see his children, has child support deducted from his paycheck every week yet the mother refuses visitation, has changed the child's last name and has moved without forwarding an address....courts still rule mostly in favor of the mother.

Rebecca - posted on 12/26/2012

Okay he denied her the whole time and now he wants something to do with her but then again he changes his mind every other week one week he says he wants her then the next he's saying she's not his and everything its just all crazy

Gigigirl - posted on 12/26/2012

Let him put his money where his mouth is. If you do not add him to birth cert than he will have to sue you for paternity. Even if he does, if he has any kind of record, esp' drug charges it will make him look pretty bad. Judge with any sense wouldn't award custody to him. Document everything! Don't play his games.

Rebecca - posted on 12/26/2012

So he won't get in any trouble for threatening me an cussing me out when I tried to be nice?

Amy - posted on 12/26/2012

The court will force you to do the DNA test if he takes you there.

Rebecca - posted on 12/26/2012

I was told if he's not on the births certifict then he has no rights to the child and he would have to take me to court but even then I won do a DNA. His sister even told me not to let him have her because he does drugs and is big on partying

Rebecca - posted on 12/26/2012

Well I've tried to talk to him I even said he can see her and all he does is threaten me and cuss me out.

Dove - posted on 12/26/2012

Chances are.... you can't. That man is your baby's father whether you like it or not and your BABY has a right to know and have a relationship w/ his/her father. If you have documented evidence that he would be a danger to her... you might be able to get supervised visitations. Otherwise... they have a right to a relationship w/ each other w/out you interfering in it.

It would be best if the two of you can work together to determine custody and a visitation schedule, but if that isn't possible... he can take you to court and potentially get 50/50 (courts tend to like to go w/ this as it is 'generally' in the best interest of the child to have an equal relationship w/ both parents).