Please help I need some serious advice, 6 weeks pregnant in a horible relationship !!

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

Its a very long story , I am in a very disfuntional relationship with a 30 year old man I met 3 years ago in school , who moved to my city and pushed his way into my life and home. I have a beautiful busy 5 year old son who is my world , and i am slowly losing all control of our lives since this man moved into our home 1 year ago. I am responsible for myself and son , so you can imagine what happened next i have been the main support of everything to finaces, transportaion and the list get worse!! I have begged him to leave countless times, driven him to the airport , given cab fair and he kept coming back. I allowed this all to happen to myself. I have endured a very tuff year with him here and survived but i am working to support my son and in school and found out I am 6 weeks pregnant . I need help !! I am so scared of what my life will be for my son and the angle in my tummy , living any longer with this negative , leaching , abusive and insecure person. I am not concerned about him and his faults, i want nothing more from him or any of this , I push myself to grow daily and keep forward movement in my life , but i am worried about everything i have to lose at this moment since i am starting to lose myself. I need advice on my options , serious . Im smart and i know better but i cant seem to come to terms with not having this baby or with him effecting me any longer . Please talk me through the first steps here ,,, this is so sad. I am 28 and a good mommy , my son is what makes my life daily . Loving my son is easy , raising a gentlemen never is easy ... This sisuation is about to easlily ruin our lives .

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Michelle - posted on 01/04/2013

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I will tell you 1 thing, if you have this baby you will be attached to the man for the rest of your life!!!! You haven't been able to get rid of him for a year, you think he will leave when he knows you have his baby?

Lacye - posted on 01/04/2013

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The first thing you need to do is get this man out of your house. If you have to get the police involved, DO IT! My husband has an ex that was exactly like the father of your unborn child and now my hubby is stuck with this psychopath for the rest of his life because he got her pregnant. All because he didn't have the heart to kick her ass out.

Now here are your options:

1. You can have the baby, but you will have to put up with him for the rest of your life because he is the father of your child. Don't think for one second he won't try using that to weasel his way back in!

2. You can give the child up for adoption, but then again, you would have to have his permission. That gives him power over you. He could force you to keep this child just so he can be close to you.

3. You can have an abortion. Now I don't like to give this as an option, mostly because of my religious beliefs, but in this case I would make an exception. If you are serious about getting away from this man, you've got to do what you can. It's not an ideal decision, but it's either get rid of the one tie you have to this man, or have him pushing his way back in every time you kick him out.

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Michelle - posted on 01/06/2013

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You need to make the decision yourself as you have to live with the results. I agree that counselling would be beneficial to help you get away from the situation as well as decide on what you need to do.

You need to be strong and tell him to leave. Since you are working for your landlord let him know what's going on. If he isn't on the lease then the landlord can get him out. I know it sounds really nasty but you need to be strong.

I was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic for 7 years so I know what it's like to feel trapped. When I finally left I had to leave my 2 boys as I couldn't take them where I was going. Then I had to fight for 6 months to get 50/50 shared care.
I am now (8 years since I first left) going to be going for full custody as my ex husband has been done for drink driving again and I'm out to prove him an unfit parent.

It took me a long time to be able to stand up to my ex. My current husband is a pillar of support for me and has helped my confidence and self esteem to grow.

[deleted account]

I know michelle and i appericate it, I am a private person so it took alot to go online and bring up such a personal matter, one i will have to deal with for the rest of my life, if i wasnt so on the fence about it i would have not reached out to strangers , but an outsiders view has been helpful to me since you guys are not bias in anyway . So Thank you very much!! I have a requisition for an ultra sound. I am going to book myself in tomorrow, I need to determine how far along I actually am . Based on symptoms and my last cycle i am thinking about 7 weeks . If i am correct week one starts after your last cycle, this is early in the pregancy . A big part of me is leaning towards an abortion and i do feel guilty . As a mom another child would be a gift , as a responsible parent to my son and to the unborn baby i just dont find it fair given the circumstances. As i said no one is perfect but I can not imagine life like this. At this point i am going to seek councling, I think it will help me rebuild . I could give anyone the advice i need and be a big support its funny how in life we all tend to second guess our selves. I am going to have to put my feelings aside and deal with them later. Its hard tho im a senstive person who deals with bullshit like a rock ! I think that is the biggest reason i am in this mess!! Its time i only look out for me n my little son , i cared to much about helping or what he thought about me and it put me in a very bad position. I dont care this time if he has to go to a shelter, as harsh as it sounds. Every other time i try and put an expiry date on it ,,, it never happens so coming up with a rational plan to seprate will not happen. We have ties at work since i got him a job at the same place i work at , actually my boss offered it to him since he wasnt working and knew i as paying for everything. The biggest tie in that is I run my landloards company on the office side of everything and am in the middle of an accounting program through work. I have '' THIS MAN" doing wearhouse work their for a few months now and he still hasnt paid for more of his share other then gas money , his own ciggerettes and the odd thing here and their. The last excuise for rent was he spent his money on xmas !! See the mess !! If i wasnt a strong person i feel i would have ran away from it all by now ,,,, but i am so stupid .. to let this continue.
I felt bad to kick him out , their goes his job and he knows know one here , so i have been living in an abusive sisuation . I also mentioned that i havent been acting like myself , i am starting to become so negative , quick to judge now too and so tired. When he pisses me off i just stand their like a 3 years old and jump up and down call him a bastard and walk away crying , its driving me crazy !!!
So i know i would not want to bring an unborn baby into that its bad enough
How do i get him out ? Let him make another full paycheck and then ask him to leave? I have tried that many times ... Or just call his parents and tell them to fly him home cause he doesnt have one? He isnt going to leave quiet and i am preganat ?

Im scared i will be forced to have an abortion with him still in the house , with him knowing and that will give him extra pain to cause me .
I cant roll over and play dead anymore, I know i am losing apart of my heart so baldly in this but i am getting scared that if it all contuines in this suffication and disfunction , i could possibly lose my son . It doesnt matter how good of a parent i am , something bad is bound to happen living like this !!

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2013

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We have been giving you advice on what you told us. We all seem to be saying the same things as well.

I know you don't want to not have the baby but you really have to weigh up all the options and scenarios. Whatever you decide to do you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

We have just been letting you know the basic options and can't tell you to do one thing over another.

[deleted account]

I havent left anything big out of this , but i could go on forever about how and why i am in the sisuation . I take full responiblity for why . I am not hidding behind anything i am worried because no matter how capiable of a person or mother i am , i am in big trouble because he is not very resourseful , or respectuful to me or my family or my friends. Of course I did love him and always will but the sad truth is he doesnt love him self. I had stopped talking to him after i moved home from school , we tried long distance relationship for about 8 months , he was very controlling and overbearing then so i ended it. It was almost a good 6 months later he contacted me again saying he was moving here for school to be a paramidic and he had his arangements all figured out for himself. He got here and all the oh shits happened, couldnt figure anything out or make any dechions for himself and being the person i am i took him in, It hasnt been easy and i have seen glimpses of love. Usually when i get pushed the furthest away i had seemed to break at the thought of what if. I am doing the right things with my life just chose the wrong person to do it with . He got close to my son so this made things even harder for me in the begening since he was living here , but at this point no positives are measuring up to the negatives. I cant leave my home since its the stability for myslef and son . I am at the point i want to call his parents , i am sick of being responsible for him or any of this ,,, the problem is now its not just getting him out i have a unborn child to consider for a life time. I dont want to not have the baby , but part of me is saying that it might be best for my son i have now. If i stay in this with him its now way to live our lives. This isnt life is coping , coping from the unperdicatibility of his attitude and actions . I dont trust he wouldnt try and take the baby from me not that its possbible but its an extra worry that i dont need. I dont trust him .I started with saying its a long story and dont feel the need to air all the dirty laundry on here , i just wanted to say a few big things so someone could help me make sence of this all . I feel like i cant tell my family since they already hate the sisuation i am in with him and it will make things worse until i make a concrete deshion. Lacye i really appericate the advice.

Michelle - posted on 01/04/2013

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You need to either change the locks when he is out and get a restraining order on him or leave. Leaving would be the better option because then it could take a while before he finds you.

In regards to the baby, I'm not for using abortion as birth control but you need to seriously think about it. By having his baby you are making sure he will be in your life forever!!!!!! But then you mustn't hate him too much to have fallen pregnant. I have a feeling you have missed a big piece of the story out.

[deleted account]

Your absolutly right Michelle . my greatest fear is being further intrapped in this , also I am not built to keep a baby from anyone unless it was unhealthy to the baby , my feelings come last in that sence beacuse as parents that our responsibility is to the children first . I also know for my children to be happy mommy needs to be too, but that comes at the end of the scale of things. I am strong willed but someone can only endure so much , my 5 year old has a dad and its like babysitting , over looking that relationship and i do not need any more grown men as children. I know I can provide for my son and a new baby , again i dread going through anymore dramitical , head games, judgement, or threats from this person or having my life dictated any longer. he is killing the spirit and drive in me. No one is perfect and I am sure i have my own faults that are valid in his eyes, but his eyes are always lookin on the negative , and these idealisms he carrys are out of control from reality. I truly belive he has a disorder of some sort like narsistic personality. The worst part of all of it is the simple episode I would get from him would be for example , i went to parent teacher for my son alone, after wanted to sneak to wallmart to pick up some xmas gifts on the way home, explained that was my plann and came home with a fight saying horrific things. I just brused it off waited for him to go to sleep and brought in some presents . cuddled with my puppy and the next morning had to go go without resolution again , and then some how the cicle continues . He was very good at not fighting in front of my son , he would wait until i had a break to myself and then it would all come out at once , randome crazy delushions of who i am and what i am doing or not doing for him . the sad truth he has been living off of a single mother for a year and it doesnt bother him. He doesnt like himself but takes it out on other people in the worst judgement. its so insane he judges people on tv shows...... and he has a big loud oppinion and is always right , even when he knows he is making up wild assumptions on things. I cant take it !! i found myself to become someone who i am not in all of this. The fights are now so unpredicatable that it starts from one breathing movement , asking me what ? to just extreme disfunction with no regard for what he says in front of anyone anymore. I need serious options for this unborn baby , im 28 years old and my purpose is my mommy hood, at this moment i am just going through the motions . I am scared that i will slip into a very blue pregnancy or afterwards. i just want my children and to be left alone but that is not so easy or 100% ethical. One way or another i feel a great loss coming and i am so scared!!

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