Please help me make an important decision.

Courtney - posted on 12/06/2012 ( 28 moms have responded )

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Okay, So I had an unexpected pregnancy. I am in college. I want to keep my child. However, everyone around me is against it. They all say abortion and adoption. I REFUSE to get an abortion. And I could never do adoption. i know everyone says do whats best for the child but having him with me, his biological mommy who loves him very much is good for the child. I would give the world for my baby. I dont know how i am going to do it though. Find a place to live, pay all the medical bills, food, diapers, insurance, and since my mom found out she took my car back so ill need that too. Any advice on how to do all of this? Or has anyone gone through this? I dont want to give my baby up that i love so much just because nobody else wants him.... I couldnt live with myself.

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Ashley - posted on 12/06/2012

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keep your baby. that is your decision, not theres. it is going to be hard, but you can do it. so many of us have, and it is well worth it. you dont them to be a great mommy. get a job, find a cheap apartment, and stay in school. you have 2 feet, so you can walk or ride a bus until u can save enough to get a car. start saving for clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, bed, and everything the baby will need because it does get expensive. and accept anything anyone is willing to offer. you can get things for cheap on craigslist or in thrift stores. if you know you cant handle giving your baby up for adoption, then that is something that you will never be able to get over if you do. just keep your head and stay focused on what you want in life, on what you need to do to be able to keep this baby and support it, and support it, and be a good mommy all at the same time. there are also resources out there to help you until you can get on your feet, just dont make it a long term thing. apply for medicaid and food stamps at your local welfare office. they can also help with child care when the baby arrives. also search your area for low income housing...they will take a certain percent of your monthly income for rent. you can do this, just dont let anyone get in your way and dont let them tell you that you cant. prove them wrong. you already love your baby, so you can get through it all. good luck and congrats!

Lacye - posted on 12/06/2012

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You need to stop talking to the father and his mother. Until after this baby is born, he is not liable to pay for anything anyways (or at least that is the law here in Mississippi). If he wants a paternity test, allow him to get one, but if the child proves to be his, HE will have to pay for the DNA test. Not you! (That is another law here in the state of Mississippi)



You will qualify for Medicaid. All you have to do is go up to the local Medicaid office, give them proof of pregnancy, how much you earn per month, and from there you will be set up. Medicaid will pay for your medical bills.

Erika - posted on 12/07/2012

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I wanted to give my two cents as an adopted child. I am thankful every day that my bio-mom made the mature, selfless choice to place me with a loving, stable family. I've always known I was adopted. It was never a shameful thing. I knew there was someone out there who cared more about my well-being than their own desires.

I am in contact with my bio-mom. I'm her only child still. She has gotten to enjoy my college years, young adult life, and her three beautiful granddaughters. Sometimes being with bio-mom, even if she loves you very much, isn't the best thing for the child if the support system isn't there.

Someone wants to love your baby. There are lots of families out there who would love him. You even have options for open adoption where you can be part of the child's life. My momma didn't choose that (it wasn't as prevalent back there).

Whichever option you choose I wish you the best of luck!

Chaunee - posted on 12/07/2012

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My situation isn't exactly like yours but I got pregnant my sophomore year of college and my mother cut me off and out of her life. She thought I shouldn't keep it and I was ruining my life. Thankfully my Dad let me stay on his insurance. But I withdrew and found a program for single mother, a place to live and took care of my business. I went back to school a year after I had him. I got pregnant again but stayed in school this time and graduated. It's harder without support obviously but it is very doable. The father was a deadbeat not working, had a new girlfriend, and was denying my child was his. So I pretty much did it on my own. There are some many programs out there and public assistance. As far as paternity test I think if you do it through the child support office he has to pay if he is the father. I wouldn't bother talking to him or his mother because you don't need that stress. Just focus on you and your baby right now. Hopefully when the baby comes things will change for the better. I now have four kids, a great job, own my house, and am happy I decided to keep my ”accidents”! Good luck!

Carol - posted on 12/06/2012

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Don't forget crisis pregnancy centers and churches. We have 2 crisis pregnancy centers here in Jackson, MI and moms can get clothing, diapers, formula (but I hope you breastfeed, it's more economical and healthier), and other help. If your parents won't help you, sometimes families in a church will even take a pregnant woman into their home and assist her through the pregnancy. There is plenty of help out there. And best of all, put yourself and your baby in God's hands. I think babies have a special place in God's heart. Certainly Jesus often was found holding a child or blessing babies and their mothers. May you have a healthy baby and a beautiful life together.

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Julia - posted on 12/08/2012

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I would also like to encourage you. It is very hard to stand on your own against family & friends, but you are a strong young woman to do so. Good for you. What you are planning has been done before by many, many single moms. You can do it! Don't forget to look into the rules at your college regarding having the baby with you. Some colleges may allow you to bring your baby with you to classes, others may have a policy of no one not enrolled in class may attend. It would be great if you could have your baby with you for the first few months, as he/she will not be moving much & love to snuggle with you or sleep in a carrier or car seat next to you. Also look into breastfeeding. In California a mom has the legal right to breastfeed in public anywhere except someone else's home without permission from anyone & no one can make you go away as you feed your baby. That is not true everywhere. A baby blanket or nursing cover gives you privacy. Breastfeeding will save you hundreds of dollars. Otherwise formula is about $20-$30 a canister & you can go through several canisters a month. Breastfeeding clinics are a life saver. I found several in my area, some cost & some for free. They help you get started & can help you for months if that is what you need. Breastmilk is cheaper, always with you, so you don't have to fix a bottle on the go, & much healthier for your baby. If you need to pump your milk when the baby is with someone else, you can find used breastpumps for cheap on Amazon. Don't get discouraged at the hospital about nursing. It is difficult for everyone the first few days, but even if you have to use some formula too at the hospital when baby is born, breastfeeding clinics can help you get fully on nursing & save you tons of money.

Reach out for help from girlfriends at college. If none of them support you, make new girlfriends in class. They can help you with stroller around campus or watch your baby outside class for an hour or two if college doesn't let you bring baby in with you. WIC will give you coupons for free food for you when pregnant & up to one year as long as you are nursing. They will also pay for baby food & then other food for child until child is 5 years old. This won't meet all your food needs, but helps stretch food stamps further. Sign up for welfare now, they pay all medical bills when pregnant & if your income is low or nonexistant, they can give you health insurance for you & baby for years until you graduate, get a job, & can provide for yourselves financially. They can also give you food stamps so you can funnel your money into stuff for baby. Also ask them about services in the community that can help with clothes, pregnancy counseling, diapers, etc. Consignment stores are great for cheap baby & mommy stuff. A pregnancy center in my town gives out a free package of diaper every month.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

Tracy - posted on 12/07/2012

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Don't write adoption off so completely without considering truly whether it's an option for you. BUT, after real thought, if it's not what you think is best, then you have to do whatever you can to make it work for you to keep him/her. I was 17 when my son was born. He is nearly 16 now. It's been extremely hard financially but I can't imagine another course of action that I would have been able to live with. Maybe he would have had a better or easier life, maybe I was selfish to keep him. But, despite our financial struggles, if you asked him how he felt, he has a good family and loves his life. No mother can really ask for more than that without being greedy, right? So, if you decide that this is your best path (keeping him), then you just have to be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make it work. Even if that means leaving school but hopefully you can make it work out so that you don't have to! I got my bachelor degree when I was 30 (I'm 33 now). It's not impossible to do it all - just really hard!! **hugs** Lastly, forgive those who are against you keeping him. Most likely they will come around one day and love that little one of yours.

Valerie - posted on 12/07/2012

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Hello Courtney. I really feel for you. I was in a VERY similar situation to yours many years ago.No one can tell you what to do or how to feel, and you already know that this is a decision that you must make yourself. With that being said, I understand the feeling of not being able to go through with an abortion (I NEVER could handle that emotionally) and I couldn't stand giving my child up for adoption - I always felt like I'd be looking at every child thinking, "Is that one mine?". Anyway, I found myself pregnant after an unfortunate incident.I was confused and overwhelmed with emotion. I didn't know what to do. I was already a single mother of a 4 year old. I was working a petty job and going to college at night. My life was already crazy. I was also temporarily homeless, staying with a guy who I thought was my friend. I never thought I'd even contemplate abortion, but I did, for a few seconds. Then I realized that even though the events that led to the conception were certainly less than ideal, the child I was carrying was still half of me.

I had no idea how I was going to do it, but everything worked out in the end. My best friend invited my daughter and I to move in with her, about 5 hours away from where we were living. This was hard because my daughter and her father (although we weren't together anymore) we/are VERY close. I enrolled in college in my new city, and finished another semester of courses before having my son. My friend was very supportive of the whole situation - even bought a playpen for my son to sleep in because I could not afford a crib. It was VERY different for me because my daughter had EVERYTHING! Anyway, we didn't have much, and it was hard, but I don't regret my decision. My son is now 16 years old (it REALLY doesn't seem like it was that long ago). My advice to you is do what you feel in your heart is the right thing. What other people think means nothing - they aren't carrying nor caring for the child. I also wanted to add that a few months before I was pregnant, my father had taken my car away from me (I couldn't afford the insurance anymore and he was the co-signer and wouldn't let me drive it uninsured). I relied on the bus. During that time, I got on the bus at 4:55 in the morning. It took me three buses to get from where I was staying to the day care center. After dropping my daughter off, I walked about a mile to take 3 more buses to get to work. My work started at 9:15. After work, I'd pick up my daughter, have a quick dinner, and head to school (3 more buses from the day care center to my school). I got home every night about midnight, and had to get up at 4 to get ready for my $6.00 an hour job. I don't know how I did it, but I did it. This lasted for 6 months until we moved in with my friend. It took me about 2 years to save enough money for a down payment on my insurance, so I could get my car back. It was a rough time, but I made it work, of course, with a lot of help from my friend. It took me a lot longer to finish school, and I started and stopped many times, but I finally graduated. I don't recommend doing what I did (I never got to see my daughter, and her sleep schedule was severely horrible, and of course I have tremendous guilt for that) but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.



Finding a place to live will probably be the biggest of your challenges. The rest will fall into place. I definitely recommend breastfeeding. Not just for the financial benefit, but because it really is best for your baby. I definitely see the difference in the health of my children. My daughter wouldn't latch on, and I didn't have good enough nurses that would work with her and I, and I just accepted what they said. I really wish I would have tried harder. I nursed both of my boys, and they rarely get sick. My daughter seems to always be sick :( Anyway, do what you feel is right in your heart. and best of luck to you, you are not alone, in whatever you decide :)

Rachel - posted on 12/07/2012

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I have a lot of friends who struggle with fertility problems. I see the pain of being childless when they have so much love and support to give an infant. I think you should be open to at least meeting with an agency. Then pray, because ultimately only you can know the right choice for you.

Yolander - posted on 12/07/2012

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Courney,I feel you can cope through the struggles.Many single moms have. You just have to prepare yourself now before you give birth. I feel your making the right decision to have your baby.Having an abortion should be out of the question. I had an abortion several years ago,and up to this given day I am totally crushed.I've asked God to forgive me for my actions.As everyone said,seek child support,medicaid,and etc. When you get approved,you will receive childcare allowance while your attending school. Never give up,and prove to the child's father and his mom that you can excell in life.Do not allow them to stress you out.Congratulation!

Lydia - posted on 12/06/2012

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Then don't give him up! There is nothing wrong with going on the system (welfare) while you finish school--that is what it is there for. I was on the system while I went to college and had four children. I have a Bachelor's degree and have been able to provide financially for my children ever since. The only time I have had to go back on the system was when I was unemployed, which thankfully has been only a few months at a time. No one can make that decision for you. I don't think you are being selfish at all. And guess what, went back to school when my children were 5, 2, 1 and 6 months, and I had no help from my mother or my ex-husband. I still managed to keep a 4.0 gpa when I got my Associate's degree. I did it, and so can you! Good luck!

Karen Ann - posted on 12/06/2012

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I am a reunited adoptee and former single mother. My mother was forced to relinquuish me by her father. 45 years ago things were different. We met 15 years ago but there is a certain pain that never goes away. My "adoptive" family a term I never use are the best but there is always spmething missing. My daughters father might as well been a sperm donor but I was keeping her. It was hard but 3 years later I met an awesome guy who wanted to be her Dad. That was 19 years ago. He adopted her after we got married and we have 2 more daughters 15 & 9..She has never met her father he is not willing but maybe its better that way. You can do it!

Susan - posted on 12/06/2012

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I'll second the advice to join Freecycle. You don't need a lot of expensive things for baby. Ask for a playpen and sheets for it, a baby carrier (Baby Bjorn, Ergo, ...), clothes, diapers. Breast feed if you are able to - try it, as that will reduce your expenses significantly in the first year. If you have a car/go places in a car, you need a car seat. You can use a daypack as a diaper bag.



Clothing - "Crib shoes" are a complete waste of money. Babies don't need shoes until after they are walking. Mine didn't start wearing shoes until we took them outside to walk. They don't need a lot of clothes, and don't need expensive ones. What you can't get from Freecycle, look for in thrift shops/Goodwill/garage sales.

Lacye - posted on 12/06/2012

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Waynia is right. You can still go to school after you have the baby. And there are programs that will help you with child care for the baby while you are a student. I just recently got my Associate's degree in accounting and going back for my BA soon and I have a 3 year old and another child on the way (32 weeks preggo!) It can be done. It won't be easy, but it is doable.

User - posted on 12/06/2012

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Remember it is harder using buses, but they are everywhere. Not having a car is not a reason to give up, so take the bus! If you are in the USA there is a yahoo group called Freecycle, find your area on the listing and get connected on there. Make a list what you need on there and you will find it.

When I got pregnant with my oldest my parents demanded I get an abortion. I refused, my mom came around within a month. By the time my daughter was born my dad was even out shopping for baby items. Don't give in!! Be strong!! It will not be easy but you CAN DO IT!!

Waynia - posted on 12/06/2012

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Do wats best for you bc you will be the one living with the decision. I got pregnant my senior yr of high school and my daughter now 3 and I will be graduating in May with a BA in Criminal Justice so it can be done. Is this ur first

Jennie - posted on 12/06/2012

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Hi. I am a happily married mother with 4 children ages 15 months, 6 years, 7 years, and 15! What i would like to say to you is follow your heart. You will find a way to make it work. If you are against abortion, don't have one. I would agree with adoption, only if you didn't want the baby, but you do! YOU are the mother, and its your choice. I know you are going through a difficult time (been there,) but it will all work out in the end. There is no reason you can't continue college and be successful. It is gonna take a lot of hard work, but you can do it!!! Only YOU can make the decision, so don't let other people persuade you. I've been there, and been confused about what to do, I followed my heart.....and I've got 4 kids who are thankful I did! Good luck to you, I know you will do the right thing. ♥

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/06/2012

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Oh my god, Courtney! What a boob! (his mother, that is) Seriously deranged! If he's "that" disturbed, he should be under disability services care at school, and since it doesn't sound like he is, his "issues" are most likely brought on by momma.



I'm so sorry you're dealing with that, but you stand your ground. SHE is not YOU. She can do as she sees fit with HER life, but when it comes right down to it, her son wanted to have the fun, and now he thinks he can get out of it by having his mommy write him an excuse. And, if he's over 18, he's an adult, and therefore even MORE able to be held responsible than, say, a boy of 15 or 16.



Do you have student legal aid on campus? We do here, free for students who need legal advice. Go see them, and see what it's going to take to get the ball rolling for the test and subsequent report. Please don't think me pushy, but I do have to ask, is he the only one you've been with during the pertinent time frame?

Ashley - posted on 12/06/2012

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if you get your baby on medicaid when its born, you can tell your case worker you want a dna test done so you can go for child support. you wont have to pay a penny for, just show up at the time and place with your baby. then, when he is proven to be the father, they will automatically go after him for child support. if his mom doesnt want to be a grandma, then there is no need for you to have anymore communication with her. as for him, let him be. you can tell him when your appointments are, and when you go into labor, but it is his decision whether he wants to be there or not. if not, thats his loss, and better for you if he ever grows up and decides he wants to take you to court because he decides he is ready to be a dad.

Jen - posted on 12/06/2012

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I sort of went through that when I had my daughter. If you contact Child Support Services you can start the ball rolling, and if he denies paternity, the state should force him to pay for a paternity test. But also remember, just becasue he's ends up court ordered to pay support, doesn't mean he will. ANd if you demand support he is within his right to ask for and get at least partial custody. When you get that far into the process be sure to ask for a mediator to work out the parenting plan. I did that and even though I told him to do it he didn't so I was awarded full custody and he got no visitation. The support is garnished from his wages, but whenever he gets a new job it takes a couple months for the state to catch up to him.

Good Luck and despite the hardships it is totally worth it.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/06/2012

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If you want your baby, you keep your baby. Also, get that paternity test, and have child payments set up. The hell he won't pay child support. Don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want to do. It is your body, your baby, and you have to make whatever decision you can live the rest of your life with.



Look into every government program that is available in your area. Do what you need to do to stay in college also.

Courtney - posted on 12/06/2012

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She always says she did it with out her baby daddy, so... so can i. She says we were in the same situation.. but we are not. She was 22. I am 18. A bit of a difference if you ask me, But he is a mamas boy. I guess he used to watch his step dad beat his mom so he over dosed. like he died and the doctors revived him. I didnt know about it he seems so happy. But so his mom said shes protecting him because if he ends up killing his self over this she will never let me forget and remind me everyday that it is my fault. This is the stuff I am dealing with them.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/06/2012

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Oh, it's one of those momma's boys, eh? Get the DNA test done. I'll send you the funding for it if necessary. And then, once it's proven that he's man enough to father a child, the courts can determine how much he'll have to contribute to the baby's care, whether his momma likes it or not!



FYI, as the mom of 2 boys, one about your age, I'd be ALL up in his business demanding that he take responsibility for his actions (if the boy were my son). What his mom is blathering is bullshit, honey. She can't determine whether or not he should pay support. I can't believe that she's encouraging such irresponsibility! Especially since she'd probably have demanded support if she'd been in your shoes...

Courtney - posted on 12/06/2012

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Thank you Guys. :) Shawn the dad refuses to say a word to me until the childs born. && wont pay for anything. I brought up a paternity test and his mother said i will be expected to pay for it... Well thn is she expected to pay half my medical bills. He is in college on a swimming scholarship so his mother says he will not be in a postion to take care or pay for it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/06/2012

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Courtney, first, good on you for NOT listening to "everyone else". They are not YOU, and only you can make the decisions for you!



Second, good job on wanting to give birth to the baby, rather than taking the abortion route! You are a strong person, just based on that decision alone.



Third, ditto what Lakota said. Check into your area agencies. There are generally pregnancy counseling/assistance services pretty much everywhere these days. Get on WIC. Get your child support set up. Hopefully you have a partner that's with you in this, and not against you. And, if he's against you, so be it, but he helped create this blessing for you, so he can darn well help pay to raise it!



If you're still a student, check into your student services office. They may have resources that you can look into for everything. As far as the transportation goes, does your area have public transport? If so, it will be a challenge to utilize it after the baby, but also a godsend, because you don't have the expense of the car, gas, insurance, and maintenance at this point.



I will say this: If you're a student in Wyoming, and you're at UW, come see me. I will be more than happy to help you with anything you need



If you're not close to me, then know that you have my support, and I'll do what I can from a distance. Keep your chin up, ducky! You'll be a great momma!

Dove - posted on 12/06/2012

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You can do this. There are programs available to help you finish college and get a good job to support you and the baby. I won't lie... it is HARD to do it alone, but it is certainly doable if you want it.

Lakota - posted on 12/06/2012

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Courtney, keep your baby. Go through the process of having the father pay child support. Their are many programs out there if you need financial help - Medicaid, WIC, food stamps, etc. Call the various agencies in your area and find out what you need to do to get assistance. You can do this. Keep your head up. I think you have made the right decisions. There are plenty of single moms out there.

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