Question For Moms Who Left The Baby's Father

Donna - posted on 12/25/2009

He is that bad. No misquotes there at all--they are your words. You make excuses for him and blame yourself. He is abusing you. And you may be abusing him. When you all hurt each other--that's abuse on some level. Being bad at all is bad. When you put up with less than you deserve or he puts up with less than he deserves--well, perhaps a step back is the right direction--far, far back--is the direction to take. You ask where you get the courage to leave--when you get sick and tired of putting up with any kind of crap, then you will either find the courage or be six feet under. That's all I'm saying.

Samantha - posted on 12/25/2009

Quoting Donna:

You live with a control freak. Words like "afraid," "fighting," "not sure I even like him," "don't like it when he's home unless..." "leaving me alone." Lord, how much more of a hint do you need! Don't know where to go? Don't want to hurt HIS feelings? PULEEZE! You don't count? The cycle of abuse begins in small ways and escalates. You are putting up with little things and those little things will definitely become big things. You describe the relationship between my husband and I after the birth of our daughter. It's the little things that wear you down and had I understood that I was experiencing the beginning of what was to come I would have gotten the hades out of dodge. I have blissfully unwed for the past twenty years and you aren't even wed and putting up with crap. Do what is best for you and the baby. The baby knows when things aren't right. The baby also learns how to take and to give abuse. Good luck.

I think you misunderstood me. I said that I am NOT afraid of him. He's not abusing me, we just don't get along. You make it sound like he's about to pull out a machine gun and try to see how many holes he can put in me with it. He isn't THAT bad. I just don't love him anymore. He is the emotional type that may say some things that might hurt me because he is hurt by something I did and when it comes to our son he is afraid that if we were to seperate, I wouldn't let him be in his life. I'm not stupid enought to stay with someone who abuses me. I had too many loved ones who did that and I know the signs and know how to get out of an abusive situation. Thanks for your comment, but really, you took it to the extreme.

Teresa - posted on 12/25/2009

oh"girl.,how are you today bye the way merry xmas and hope you have a happy new year,..so how are you with your husd/now any change.let me ask you how long have you felt this away?before the baby or durnning ur p.g. or after ur baby came..theres lots of things that could be going on if its beening sents the baby came you could be only going thou/what alot of women do after giveing birth to a child deep depression there maid for that will help you to and this is nalture..but if you have felt this away for a long time you may just not love him any more there a dilf between loveing someone and careing for someone sweetie only you can try to feg/that out plz let me know if you ever get it fig/out ok..good luck to you and take care of yourself & that sweet son of yall"s....

YVETTE - posted on 12/25/2009

I left my baby father when he was six months old..and it was rocky at first but now we talk about every thing ..he even lives with a woman and i get along with her as well. it will be a mess at first but if you guys can have an understanding were as it is all about the child u will get along very well..but the most and best advise is prayer u have to pray and the lord will fix it all for u and for the sake of the child

Kristina - posted on 12/25/2009

I would try going to the Dr and asking about PPD first and then try to get on meds if that's the case! Your wishy washy it seems and like you said......you DON'T want to wake up one day and realize it was a mistake! Post partum can make you feel that way! I'd look into that first!

Christina - posted on 12/25/2009

you have to do what is best for you and your child. if you are miserable the child will be too. i made the choice to leave my ex after 7.5 years because i was miserable and all we did was argue. its not that i didnt care but you can only put up with but so much.

Lisa - posted on 12/25/2009

Hi im Lisa and i too am going through a similar situation to your's, i have not been happy for the last two years, but have tried everything to make it work for the kids, its got to the point now where my husband is taking our arguements out on our 10 yr old daughter and being nasty to her whilst i was at work, this has caused her to feel unloved and caused her to act out (including self harming)...this is when i have decided enough is enough, i quit my full time job so i could be at home with my kids, the arguments got worse so now i'm in the middle of finding us somewhere to live, i'm still a little aprehensive about going it alone but i know this is the best thing for me and my two kids. My daughter is very happy with my decision to leave, im worried that its going to upset my 3 yr old son, but i know i really need to do this for my daughter.
I should have been brave enough to act sooner, then maybe my daughter wouldnt have got so messed up in her own head.
You have an easier way out cause your not married, look at your situation and work out whats best for you, there is no point staying in a relationship that deep down you dont want to be in, look at it another way pretend it isnt you going through the problems, what advice would you give your son if he was in your situation now?
I hope that it all works out for you. XX

Jill - posted on 12/25/2009

You're son will be happier growing up in a healthy happy environment. If it means being with his happy mommy alone in one place and being with his happy father in a different place then that's the best scenario. Being in the midst of constant fighting and arguing with 2 unhappy parents is not healthy and it projects negative energy and stress onto him. You are both your son's role model and I'm sure those aren't the behaviors you want him to learn from. You need to put him first and do what's best for him. I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you end up making. :)

Maria - posted on 12/25/2009

Well hello there I have only just left my son's father but I never loved him and I had found myself the one man I adore and would give my life for! The only way I can say anything is that you have to be forward with him, tell him that it aint working and that there is no hard feelings between you both otherwise the break up could get very messy!! I mean I still argue with my son's father just never around my son!!! You just have to go with your heart and tell him if you need any support I will be happy to support you!!

Maria

Donna - posted on 12/25/2009

You live with a control freak. Words like "afraid," "fighting," "not sure I even like him," "don't like it when he's home unless..." "leaving me alone." Lord, how much more of a hint do you need! Don't know where to go? Don't want to hurt HIS feelings? PULEEZE! You don't count? The cycle of abuse begins in small ways and escalates. You are putting up with little things and those little things will definitely become big things. You describe the relationship between my husband and I after the birth of our daughter. It's the little things that wear you down and had I understood that I was experiencing the beginning of what was to come I would have gotten the hades out of dodge. I have blissfully unwed for the past twenty years and you aren't even wed and putting up with crap. Do what is best for you and the baby. The baby knows when things aren't right. The baby also learns how to take and to give abuse. Good luck.

Bettina - posted on 12/25/2009

Dear Samantha,

I have been exactly where you are at. I have been married for 6 year now and we have 2 sons together age 2 & 6. I always stayed for my kids becuse I wanted them to have a "normal" family life with a mom & dad. But it got to the point where we would fight alot (sometimes in front of the kids) and we were both just miserable. We have been separated for 1 month now and I am OK. I am alot more happier by myself and I am taking time to focus on me and my kids. My husband has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe if he is willing to go to marriage counseling you should try that. I would definately suggest that you exhaust all of your other options before separating. I know that I can look back and say to myself or my kids....that I tried my best and I did everything that I could to make it work.

Penelope - posted on 12/25/2009

Well...my now ex father of our 2 children is french. I tried living over there, as we actually had our first daughter is french born. Then we came over here and had our son together, then had to go back to France bcos his mother passed away. We then stayed another 2 years, but when his father started beating on 3 of his 5 sisters (whilst living in the house next door to ours) I decided to get myself and our 2 kids the hell out of there, after helping many of his siblings. He did join us after waiting 7 mths, but after everything I had been through and gaining so much independance whilst waiting for him I just was not interested. So after only 1mth of his return I had similar feelings as you, just lost repect for him I guess for not taking control of the family situation over there.

I now have my 2 children, daugher now 7 and son 4, on my own, he is in France. Even though it is a struggle, I can honestly say that we are a much happier little unit. No more trauma, and they can see how strong I am, how much I love them and my daughter nows I will do anything to bring her happiness.
They see their dad on skype twice a week, that can sometimes be hard for them, but he had many chances to change and try to make it work. He chose not to, so will now have to live without them.
If I can do this on my own without him in our lives physically then you can do it too.
I arrived back in this country with 2 kids and 3 suitcases. He has our 2 houses over there, but I have the kids. I now have created a secure home for our little family and 2 very happy children.
Courage....be strong...go with your intuition.

Helen - posted on 12/25/2009

Have you thought about going to see a relative / mum and just having time from your other half to see how you feel before jumping ship. If you feel better while away from him and am more comfortable and dont even think of him I think you know what the answer is. Time out sometimes changes your perspective.

Michelle - posted on 12/24/2009

You need to make what you think is the best decision for your son...he is counting on you. You cannot make anyone happy if you are miserable...my prayers are with you

Christina - posted on 12/24/2009

hi im christina my babys daddy is like that but we have no relashonship and we have two kids and i cant stand to be around him sometimes and we live in beeville tx and now im in houston tx with the kids you need to be away from him for a week or so and see if you miss him or he misses you that what im doing but i dont think mine is going to work out any way but in the end it up to you and what good for you beautiful baby

Donna - posted on 12/24/2009

Quoting Samantha:

Question For Moms Who Left The Baby's Father

For those of you who have left your baby's daddy, I was curious how you got up the courage. Not that mine is abusing me and I'm afraid. If he were abusing me I would have been able to leave him within seconds of it happening. I don't put up with that crap.

My problem is that it just doesn't seem to be working between us. We argue a lot about such stupid things and I don't feel comfortable around him anymore. I feel like I can't talk to him or even be in the same room with him for very long because I'm afraid of us fighting or something. I'm not so sure I even like him anymore. I don't want to show him any sort of affection and I don't like it when he's home unless he is spending time with our son and basically leaving me alone.

I just don't know where to go from here and I don't want to hurt his feelings or cause any problems for our son or even worse - leave him and then realize it was a mistake. I guess I just need to know if it's actually been worth it for anyone else. I know plenty of people who left their baby's daddy's, but they left because they were abusive or addicts. No one I know left just because it didn't work out anymore.

Cynthia - posted on 12/24/2009

Have you tried counseling? It does help to bring concerns out into the air. This is the child's father and you will have to continue speaking to him on some level. It is helpful to the child if separation can be mutually agreed upon by both parents. You might find that all you need is a little help in getting to know each other in your new roles.

Samantha - posted on 12/24/2009

Thanks everyone. It has helped to hear what you have gone through. I have tried many times to work on the problems my fiance and I have had and yet we always get back to this point. I realize that I'm just going to have to suck it up and realize that this doesn't work and I need to talk to him and tell him I'm just not happy anymore. I will admit that I am afraid of his reaction though. He has told me before that if I ever left him, he would take our son away from me. Not only is it upsetting to think that he would ever try to take him away from me even though I have told him that I would never do that to him, but he isn't the one who takes care of our son. In fact, he's clueless half the time. Not to mention he's too lazy to wake up and feed him in the morning even though it takes only a couple minutes and then he can go back to bed. I haven't really got any family support. The few people in my family I actually keep contact with, live way too far away. All except one, who right now is a bit of an emotional wreck thanks to her boyfriend and roommate. I do have friends who can help. I just don't want to be a burden on anyone so I will wait on moving out until I am sure I got a job. I have one I'm waiting to hear if I actually have the job but it sounds promising. Again thanks for all your input.

Michelle - posted on 12/24/2009

I left my daughters father before she was born. BUT before I did this I took the time to seek help. It is a huge decision to remove a father from a child and vice versa. I would suggest talking to him first about seeking help and then go and see a councillor together, take as many sessions as it's needed to find out why you are both fighting and what has happened. I did this with my daughters father and the results speak for themselves we were not compatible in any way and it would never have worked. Since then I have met another man and we are married, we have also had help from a councillor, transitioning to a blended family is also difficult but it has all worked out and we have a lovely little family now.

I wish you all the best. I do hope you talk to someone professional first before deciding to leave sometimes things get so bad you can't see past them when really all it is is a little misunderstanding. Remember at some point you loved this man enough to have his child. Give yourself, your child and him at least a chance of working it out before giving up. Good luck!

Stephanie - posted on 12/24/2009

i think u should seat down and talk and to him abou it

Danielle - posted on 12/24/2009

I would find someone to watch your son and have a talk with him and tell him how you feel and dont use words like when you do this because it will start a fight tell him "i feel like we are growing apart and that things are getting to the point that im not sure if our relationship can be repaired but i need to know if you feel that same way and if you have any ideas to help or if you just want to call it quits" most likely because you ask him if he has any ideas your asking him to kinda fix the problem and men are made to fix things he will open up about it... if you cant find someone to baby set wait till they are asleep.....but first you need to decide if YOU want to make it work because if you dont then you need to just tell him its over.

Melissa - posted on 12/24/2009

My ex and I were in the same situation as you. We were fighting all the time and honestly I couldn't stand to be around him anymore. I did end up leaving with my son and moved back home for about 6 months. Since leaving him I have found the love of my life. It is a great feeling to have somebody beside you who actually supports you in everything. My fiance and I don't fight, we love spending time together, and enjoy raising our children together. Honestly sometimes stuff just doesn't work out and its in everybody's best interest to just move in a different direction.

Carolee - posted on 12/24/2009

Mine was abusive, but I didn't have the courage to leave him. I kicked him out of my room, locked my door, locked my son's door, and did everything I could to make his life a living hell, but I couldn't actually leave the house... we were living with my mother, and I just couldn't get him to leave. Eventually, he did. He left me with 10 minutes notice, $50, and a baby. I'm glad to be rid of him, though. I had to get a job, and met a guy. Now, I'm pregnant again, and we're getting married next week!

Karrie - posted on 12/24/2009

I left just over a year and a half ago and it was the best decision ever made. Yes there have been many difficult times and times I've questioned whether I made the right decision but in my heart I know it was right. Like I've told my friends, when I was with him I tried to seem happy on the outside while inside I was miserable, now sometimes I am unhappy on the outside but so happy at my core.

The best advice I can give is to take each step at a time - try not to look at the big picture as it can seem a little scary. Also use the support of family and friends, and remember if you do choose to leave you are doing it for your child. They will grow up much happier and fulfilled in two happy homes than one miserable home!

Finally if you're staying because you think things will get better and you have that fairy tale view in your head that when you really think about it is never going to happen (for me I always pictured us with our second baby in our new home happy and complete) you need to give up that dream. It's hard but look towards a new dream. However if you do really think that dream can come true try counselling and work hard at it. Many marriages go through ups and downs (especially after a baby is born). I didn't leave my husband until I felt I had exhausted all avenues.

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you!!!

Bonnie - posted on 12/23/2009

the hurful feelings wo;; pass i was 17 when i had my daughter and my BF didnt evn want to come to the hospital with me instead he got on a 5 hour bus trip and went away to work his boss had sent him home for the birth as i was booked into have it done i forgave him now that im not with him ihate him or that i was nieve lol but u feel when the time is right but what made me leave him was that he was cheating on me when she was 2 weeks old he chose them over being a family with us but still wanted to be with me go figure ? but i finally left and havnt ook back since it was a huge thing to have to do alot of heart ache but all the best chok hope all works out

Kristi - posted on 12/23/2009

well...i had the same feelings as u and i put up with it for a while and just realized that it was best that we just be friends and he still had time with my kids. when i left it was hard at first but than i realized that it was the best thing for my children so they knew that we got along and didnt fight. i had told him that it wasnt right for my kids to see that we were unhappy and they needed the support from both of us and the only way for that to happen was to work things out as friends and not have them see the fighting and unhappiness between us. i have been seperated from my childrens dad for almost 4 years and we are the best of friends and my kids have never been happier. they see their dad whenever they want and they live with me. at first the seperation thing is hard to know that he may be with someone and another girl may be in the picture but i had to get over that and trust for their dad to choose the right person to love my kids the way they needed to be loved and not any different. so the decision is on u and i hope that this message works for u. good luck and i hope the best for u guys and ur son.

Amy - posted on 12/23/2009

My husband and I split up because we just grew apart. I was scared of being a single mom, but I have a big family and very supportive friends that helped me get used to raising the kids on my own. Yes it's hard, I won't lie, but its much easier than being miserable and living with someone you don't like anymore. After we split up, my husband and I were much more able to tolerate each other and even be friends again. We continued to do things as a family which helped the kids adjust to us not living together anymore. It is much easier to be friends with them when it's only once a week or so than it is to continue living together and fighting in front of the kids or letting it progress into something terrible. So my advice is to separate while you're still capable of being civil to each other and it will be an easier transition for the kids and for the parents.