Question from Grandma(childs fathers side

Tammy - posted on 02/20/2013

Hi I'm the mother of a 24yr old who seem his dad until he was 1, then never seen him again for years. When he was 12 he asked if he could meet him. We called his dads mom (his gma) who we also did not have contact with through the years. We had lunch with her to see how he was n if it was safe. (The reason for our spilt up was his drug use) n then I later remarried. After talking to her I felt a little better and my son went to a movie with his dad. Unfortunately it was the first n last time. His dad really didn't want to see him. But for my side I always wanted my son to learn how he felt about him n not how I felt about him. Boys feel like they r missing something when they don't have bio dads around. Even my husband of my other 2 boys was in the military n was gone a lot which gave them some issues of not having a dad around.
& we later divorced because of abuse of him not having a father n treating the kids like men
My 20yr old will do anything to get his dads attention even if its bad! Just talk to him n listen. Sometimes it's just they want to see for themselves. My oldest has stayed in contact with his p-gma n his half sister since he was 12 so good did come from it. U may be surprised! I hoe ur son knows what a great mom u r to watch over his x n his child when he couldn't. It's not easy sometimes!

Kristi - posted on 01/31/2013

Joie--

I think you would be the ideal mediator in this situation. Mom needs to be kept in the loop. I think for your part, you should talk with your grandson and give him some background information on his dad. As another mom suggested, tell your grandson what his dad was like when he was growing up. Answer his questions as honestly as you can but if you don't know, tell him he'll have to ask his dad/mom (whomever is appropriate).

I think it is important for you to get the inside track on your son's feelings and intents. Make it clear to him how important his decision is and to make sure he thinks everything through carefully before he decides. Again, keep your exDIL in the loop.

If everything works out and dad and son meet, I think getting together with you would be excellent. Your grandson will have some knowledge about his dad from the stories you shared with him and obviously you know them both so you can come up with conversation starters. Maybe mom could gather some of his past and present school work to show his dad.

I say this next thing based only on my personal experience. I found out about my biological father when I was about your grandson's age. At that time, I was kind of curious but I kind of thought I would hurt my parents feelings if I wanted to contact bio-dad. I was a busy teenage girl with a full social calendar so I let it fade into the background. Later, in my early 20's, I tracked him down and called him. He's successful, married and I have 2 half brothers. I just wanted some answers and acknowledgement and later, a chance to get to know my brothers. Things didn't go very well. I continued to send him a Christmas letter with pictures of me and my children, technically his grandchildren. I never got any response, nothing. I'm 41 now. It is still hard knowing I was and always will be rejected by my own "father" and that I won't get to know my own brothers. My point is, be very clear with your grandson that neither you nor his mother can predict or make any promises about what his father may or may not do. Try to keep him grounded and keep his expectations and hopes on a neutral level.

His mom needs to be supportive, realistic, calm and reassuring. It is important for her to maintain the same level of consistency and stability that he is used to. He needs to feel safe and know that he is loved so that he can vent his feelings however they come out. He might even "test" her by acting out just to make sure she's not going anywhere.(not knowingly but kind of out instinct)

Sorry for the mega-post! I hope everything works out for the best!

Magi - posted on 01/31/2013

Joie H, You can never stop your grandson from contacting his father and neither can his mom as this incident has shown. You and his mom will have to sit down with him and talk to him about the absence but also let him talk to you about what he is feeling as he may be feeling confused and angry. You also don't know what his father is saying to him. May be he has reformed. May be he will try and blame his mom. Don't try to find out from your grandson (what does your father day about...?) as this may cause alienation but make sure he knows he can ask you questions and talk about this. Actively provide the space for this particular talk! Also talk to your son - his father- and ask him whether he intends to be part of his son's life for good in which case make a judgement on how you will support this process (and only support it if his son does want this contact!), and if he doesn't intend to be a part of his son's life, figure out how this can be done gently and quickly. Be prepared to be the net that your grandson will fall into when the contact is cut off again. As much as you may not like the situation, it will be a mistake to try and stop this young man who clearly wants to connect more with the other part of him. Good luck.

Jane - posted on 01/28/2013

First of all I want to say that I am so happy that you and your x-daughter-in-law have a relationship for your grandchildren. That speaks volumes for both of you. I think that if your grandchild is interested in contacting his father that he should be allowed to do this. I believe at his age he should make his own decision about his father. Not knowing why your son cut off his relationship with his son is most likely the reason this young man needs to hear why he did this. Maybe they can have a relationship and maybe not, but I think he is old enough to decide on his own. It sounds like he has a loving family with a step father he must look at as his father figure. I do not think he should be discouraged about wanting to meet his father. I hope that I have helped you, I had a similar thing in my own family except the grand parents wanted nothing to do with their grandson until he was 18 yrs. old and thought that they could walk right into his life and his bio father thought the same. Did not turn out well at all, as they never did anything for this boy all of his life and never met him, because they did not want to be involved. I hope your family has better luck. And please let me know how this turns out for you.

QUIONNA - posted on 01/28/2013

Q.. does the dad want to b a part of the childs life.. how does the child feel.. don't push them. wen the child is ready he/she will come to u.. I just pray things work out for y'all..

QUIONNA - posted on 01/28/2013

Q.. does the dad want to b a part of the childs life.. how does the child feel.. don't push them. wen the child is ready he/she will come to u.. I just pray things work out for y'all..

Clio - posted on 01/27/2013

Talk to him about his dad. He wants to know so help him. Try to be non judgemental. Talking about what his dad was like at his age would be a good one and I would offer to facilitate a meeting if that is what he wants. Then you have some control over the situation.

Christina - posted on 01/27/2013

personally I think every child has the right to know their parent. your grandson had questions that only his father can answer. your x daughter in law needs to let them have contact and not make a big deal out of it. (I've always wanted my kids to like or dislike their father for what our how they treat them, not my past nor present relationship is with my ex)
like you said. your son and ex daughter in law were both in different places twelve years ago.
I'll be for your family.

Lovedandblessed - posted on 01/27/2013

I would say encourage the curiosity of your grandson. He is at the age where he is wanting information. He should not be kept from exploring a new relationship with his dad if that is what he is looking . Talk to him and let him express his feelings about why now he is doing this and give him the support he needs. Help him to have realistic expectations of what may or may not happen. BUT talk to your son and let him know what his son is experiencing. And tell him to be honest and humble with his son. And get him to understand he is NOT the reason his parents live two different lives. I still have a relationship with my x-m.i.l. She has always been like my mom. 27 years and three grands later. I hope your grandson has a pleasant experience. He is at a real critical milestone in his emotional development and his dad needs to fulfill his duty to help this child grow up as emotionally and as mentally well as possible in these trying times. I will be praying for a great outcome.

Christine - posted on 01/27/2013

Your son and my relationship with ex in laws is very very similar. My girls had very little contact with their dad, heeds the area when they were young. His choice. I have continued a close friendship with his parents for my kids benefit. When their dad randomly appears. Can be users between visits the kids are uncomfortable with him ti they get to know him. Then he up and leaves again breaking their hearts. I have through all the years continued the kids visits with their grandparents. I think you need to open conversation with your daughter in law and your son. Find out what they think is best for your grandson. He might want to get to know his dad better. But you as adults have to be responsible about how it's handled. Going behind each others back won't help. It's a good thing both parents are in good relationships as they will need support of their partners too I think. I am now married and my husbands can not stand any contact I have with my girls dad. This makes things harder but I've told him that is his problem not mine. I do what is best for my girls at the time and I believe them knowing their dad is important as is me being their to pick up the pieces when he leaves. It's all about supporting the kids I think. Hope this helps in some way.

Camille - posted on 01/27/2013

Your grandson is fourteen years old. This is the age where there's a need in his heart to make connection with his biological father- as in my case. There are questions, and feelings which have not been answered for so many years and the thoughts always flow - like' I wonder '-
Even though both have married and moved on, I think its important for your grandson to make connections now- now is so important for his growth, and he will meet his brothers or sisters which is another great bond and better be able to understand his feelings toward his father.
If this is not done there will always be a void in his heart, and this may affect him later in life. Let him find out now and so be able to continue his normalcy in his growth and in becoming an adult soon.

Michelle - posted on 01/27/2013

I'm speaking from and a grandparents point of view. Also, my sister was a teen mom. This is the deal no matter how much the father has failed, you must allow him to have contact with his father. If you don't, when he's an adult it will definately come back on you. As long as the child is not endanger, as hard as it is and trust me I know it's one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. But the reality is @ some point you picked him and it's not the childs fault. You owe your son this. Hope it helps, good luck!

Krissybell - posted on 01/27/2013

One last thing (sorry I'm blowing your post up. Laugh out loud) If your grandson feels that his father isn't what he expected and choses not to have contact don't force it. Talk to him after he talks to his dad, ask him how he feels, if he still wants to get to know him, make sure he's still comfertable. If he saids he doesn't want to talk to him, accept it, that isn't what you would want but sometimes it's best for the child. Another thing, if your grandson does want to have a relationship with his father Mom should have some access to the conversation yes, but she her self should not be able to interfere unless it could hurt her, the child, or your son. If she doesn't like whats being said thats okay (such as why she chose to leave) your grandson still deserves those answers. One other thing I noticed other people said your son is at fault for not being there ... that is not true and I'm sure your grandson won't hold it against him, the only thing that will matter the most is your son being there for him now. Also at 14 (IN SOME STATES) the child has a right to decide if he wants to see his dad, and as long as the father has done nothing wrong, or had a court order taking his rights away, the child has every right to be able to see him. Mom may not like the fact that they want a relationship but it's up to the child not her (as long as the father is not a threat) keep it a healthy bond, with out it being a war, if it becomes a hassel to the child and he choses to see his father, perhaps a court order may be neccesary so the child can talk to and see his dad and mom not be able to say no. His mom does have a say, she's mom, but she also shouldn't be able to keep her son away from his dad just because they don't like each other, basically what I'm saying.

Krissybell - posted on 01/27/2013

Also as a girl that had to do everything on my own to have a relationship with my father, ask your grandson if he has any questions about his father and answer them. If he's like me and grew up without knowing anything he probably has alot. Then make sure to tell him his father does love him, even though his dad moved on, he did not forget about his son, things just didn't work with him and his mom. If he ask the question why, just be honest and tell the truth (that was the first question i ask my mom and dad) and give lots of advice on what to talk about. For awhile talking between him and his dad will be alot to take in, full of questions and full of emotions, be there for him emotionally, someone he can express his feelings to. Ask your grandson if there is anything that makes him uncomfterable, as far as talking to his dad, if he tells you something would then explain what that is to the father that way his dad doesn't say the wrong thing to make him want to hang up. And most of all make it clear that everyone is happy that him and his dad are talking that way he doesn't feel like he has to chose who is in his life and who is not such as his mom and biological father, he has a right to have both parents in his life even if mom doesnt like the father, vice versa.
Also i dont think him seeing his dad without someone else there is a good idea until he's comfertable with him and he feels like he knows him, you don't want him to feel out of place or awkward, because he'll just be quiet and shy, be there to help him bond with his father, to him his dad will be a complete stranger so he's going to want someone else he knows to be around.
Anyways good luck and I hope your grandson and his father get to know each other and can build a good relationship.
If you want to ask any other question you can email me. 1994krissy@gmail.com
:)

Krissybell - posted on 01/27/2013

I highly reccomend encouragment for them to talk and get to know each other. I'M eighteen, and i didn't get to see my dad after I turned two. 17 years to late i found him, contacted him (behind my mom and step fathers back) and when i talked to him i had no idea what to say, how to say it, or anything so I hung up. Maybe help with getting them to actually see each other, im sure they both would love that. Phone conversations are still good but it's alot to take in all at once, full of questions, and emotions, it's better to be in person. Definatley encourage a relationship between the 2 though. If the child isn't allowed now, he will eventually do it on his own, then lie about it when confronted, or worse could happen and him turn on his mom just to have a relationship with his father.

Tessa - posted on 01/27/2013

I would encourage contact between father and son. Everyone deserves to know where they came from and, if possible, to know both parents. Although I'd encourage contact I would also encourage time and patients. Slow and steady rather than jumping in feet first. I hope everything works out.

Braunwynn - posted on 01/27/2013

We can't change the past or undo a adult stuff. Howvever let the child develop a relationship with his father since he is seeking and will ask the questions to make his decisions

Kristin - posted on 01/26/2013

I was raised by my father and stepmother. They refused to let me see or talk with my mum for most of my childhood (I saw her maybe 6 times in 13 years, and a couple of those were when she showed up at the school and my dad and stepmother never knew about it.) I had to wait until I'd left home before I could contact my mum, but I did do it. Children need to know both sides of their family, and if one parent stops them seeing the other one, then there could very well be resentment towards the custodial parent. When there are other kids involved then it's also important for them all to know each other. One of the best things about contacting my mum was getting to know my (half)-brother.

When I divorced my ex, I made sure my kids could always see him, as much as they all wanted. It took a few years, but they eventually decided for themselves that they did not want to know him, and none of them have had contact with him for over 4 years. Teens can figure out for themselves what their parents are really like. I would tell your xDIL to let her son get to know his father and his (half)-siblings.

Kristin - posted on 01/26/2013

Be there for them both, there may be fall out from the contact.

Good luck to you all.

Heather - posted on 01/26/2013

like i said he got to see what his daddy really like for him self you just got to trust that you have raised him right from the start and hope fully he will talk to his mum if some thing does go wrong i foster kids all the time i have always said the kids have to figure out life on there own all we can do is hold there hand and be there when some thing does go wrong and hope we have do a good job guiding them throw life and hope fully teaching right from wrong but they also have to learn for them self to and by there own mistakes and if he is ars hole then he got to see that for him self other wise he will end up hating you instead of they other way round thats is my best advise knowing the system in side out

Tracy - posted on 01/26/2013

I would recommend speaking to your grandson and letting him know what his dad is like. Set real expectations for your grandson. Also let your grandson know that his mom is important in all this and he needs to talk with her about all of it (presuming she can help him and be good about the whole thing while still protecting him from whatever hurts she can). He cannot keep her out of all this because, for good or bad, she will be his support system through whatever happens next. Does your son WANT contact with the boy? If not, he needs to let the boy know this as politely as possible. Make sure the boy doesn't feel it's something HE'S done wrong. If your son does want contact, does his new spouse and kids know about the boy? Also, make sure your grandson knows that no matter what happens that YOU (and grandpa?) are there for HIM. That you chose to be his grandmother through thick and thin a long time ago and nothing will change that.

Heather - posted on 01/26/2013

i am full time foster career he has to find out for him self what his real dad like on his and if it goes wrong you will always be there for him no matter what if you block him from doing so he will end up hating you and not him

Heather - posted on 01/26/2013

i am full time foster career he has to find out for him self what his real dad like on his and if it goes wrong you will always be there for him no matter what if you block him from doing so he will end up hating you and not him

Scherlyn - posted on 01/26/2013

I think its important for a child to know who there parents are; regardless of how it makes the primary parent feel. Its not about us (the adults) its about the kids and if he wants to have a relationship with his dad and his dad is cooperative then so be it.
The worst thing in the world for your x daughter in law to do would be to deny him access, that will only make him want to be with his dad more. All children or at least most children desire to know who they came from. Even though your son may have other children his first child could be a big help being a big brother.
She just needs to talk to him and find out were his heads at or at least his dad should.

Christine - posted on 01/26/2013

The child has a right to contact his father and hopefully his father will want to be in his life to help raise him. Boys need their fathers and a relationship should be encouraged.

Michelle - posted on 01/26/2013

She should let her son have contact with his father. I don't know why she is having to ask you what to do.

You don't need to be involved and neither does the Mother. Her son and your son should be allowed to have contact as they wish.

Sara - posted on 01/26/2013

I agree with most on here. Your grandson is now in his teens and wants to know his father. There's nothing wrong or abnormal about that. If your son and grandson are open to a reconciliation then xdil shouldn't stand in the way. Definitely no bashing the other parent in you grandson's earshot. When kids hear one parent bashing the other they tend to take it as a shot against themselves because they are half of each. Also remind each no matter what happened in their relationship the only reason they have they're son is because of each other, they both love him so they need to respect each other and the relationship your grandson has with each parent because of that. Be supportive of all for the sake of your grandson. You can be the voice of reason.

Shannon - posted on 01/25/2013

Joie, your grandson is at a critical age where he needs a father. Your daughter inlaw should just hear him out. He is old enough to make the choice of finding out all about his real father. Tell her to talk to her son and let him do what he is gonna do about his dad and just be supportive of his choices.

Carol - posted on 01/25/2013

Perhaps this boy is wondering whether something is wrong with him, that his father has had no contact all these years. Surely this knowledge would impact his self-esteem and his sense of identity. I hope his mother reassures him that he is a valuable and desirable person and that his father's abandonment had nothing to do with his value as a person. Also, if his father has made mistakes or wrong choices, he should understand that he did not inherit his dad's moral character. He inherited things like eye color and perhaps some interests and abilities, but his moral choices are his own to make. I think it would be good for him to get to know his father better, with some oversight by Mom and Grandma, and some reassurance from them if things don't go well.

Linda - posted on 01/25/2013

I am raising my grandson and he rarely sees or talk to either of his parents. His dad lives out of town and has remarried twice. has a second son and a step daughter. I know that my grandson would like more contact but is not able to initiate that contact now. I have talked with his dad ( my son) and he continues to promise more frequent contact. Your 14 year old grandson may just want to know more about his biological father or maybe something happened between him and his step dad. Has anyone bothered to ask him why he contacted his dad? maybe he was just curious? Could be someone at school said something. could be researching his genealogy or medical history? Have there been any recent medical problems in the family? Children of this age are more intelligent and will continue to keep looking for answers till they find them. Just ask

Paula - posted on 01/25/2013

Maybe they could meet at your house? That would be a neutral environment.

Charleen - posted on 01/25/2013

I think we need more info on the relationships of all, the age they had your grandson, what the mom thinks, what the dad thinks and most importantly what you think. You have been in all 3 of their lives, so you know them best. Is there any reason it would be unhealthy for any involved? I'd say as long as both parents and step parents can be mature and not bash the other, I don't see any harm in it. As for the people putting your son down on here, they need to be reminded that you haven't given the full story. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 01/25/2013

Your grandson clearly wants to know more about his father, and himself. Both you and his mother should encourage this, but also explain to him that this contact may not produce the results he is expecting.

Zaidah - posted on 01/25/2013

Your son is still his father. They have every right to get to know each other. Be positive. What happened in the past was history. People make mistake and learn from them. Most impottantly, the child (your grandson) is happy :-)

Christie - posted on 01/25/2013

I would encourage the child to stay in contact as long as mom has knowledge of the conversations! If there comes a point that the child wants to meet up with the father maybe do this on common grounds such as at your place? As long as there is no court orders in place and the father is of no danger to the child and does not talk badly of the mother there should be no problem with the child perusing a relationship with the father!
I must stress though both parents should be in contact with each other to talk this over and mom needs to have access to the computer conversations!

Pamela - posted on 01/25/2013

My x hubby has had no contact with his kids upto last year with a 14yr break (kids are 21 19) now so left it to them to deside but told them id be there whatever they chose..... Both met him my son twice and daughter once and neither of them have meet him since. I kept on good turns with x in laws and still have good contact now. Its sad really because there grandchildren now and x hubby missing out on so much. Let your son deside he mite find that dad isn't all what he wants. Take care x

Firebird - posted on 01/24/2013

Wow, you guys are totally missing the point of this post. This woman is asking for advice, and all you can do is call her son a deadbeat. Not very helpful. Joie, your ex daughter in law should probably start by asking her son why he contacted his father. Is the boy hoping to meet him someday? Did he just want to say hello? Would he just like a few questions answered? Did your son respond to your grandson contacting him?

Joie - posted on 01/24/2013

thought that --of both x daughter and son at time of divorce myself because of having a child together... but things changed for both of them..at their young age they both were quite similar.....now they both have grown..made good lives..good spouses for both...and yes both are wonderful parents to their children NOW.... Anyway all this does not help with ideas of how for all to proceed now... Thanks though ladies maybe I'm asking the wrong questions..Do appreciate your thoughts though..

Joie - posted on 01/24/2013

X daughter in law moved out of state ..and sounds strange I know but sort of choose to move on without contact... Grandparents (us) on the other hand asked to stay connected through all the moves..which went well..