Leigh - posted on 06/25/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )
My boyf of 8 months has a 2 year old daughter, my daughter is 4. The girls get along the handful of times they've briefly seen each other.
I have been trying to understand why i rarely see him on weekends & we've had a rather frustrating 2 weeks with arguments about how i don't think my feelings are being considered and that he needs to let me know if he just isn't capable of compromise because time waits for no man & we both need mutual respect/happiness blah blah blah.This all stems from many other issues (past & present) but it cam to a head when he cancelled plans we had to go out to a party with his mates..he feels a great need for time with his mates and to not be guarded by his partner, i respect that, whatever his reasons are-i'm not here to be his mother...however, not seeing him on the weekend kills me.
We both work full time jobs but he's been on leave. When i first asked why he doesn't come over he said he didn't want to be in my child face too much, the next time i asked he said it was because his child's maternal family would have issues with it. There have been weekends when i have been without my child & he without his but still haven't seen him...I am so confused and this is really more complicated than it has to be. My daughters father is not in the picture at all, he lives in the same town as us.
My boyf ex is from the same town as us but is studying a good 13 hours away. His daughter spends her days at his house and the evenings at the Ex's mothers house. We all know each other from school or functions-its a very small town. His Ex came back home for the holidays 3 days ago & last night she 'summoned' him (to which he went over to her place) to tell him that she doesn't want her daughter around me & mine. Referring to my daughter as 'his step daughter'. He unfortunately has no energy for her or her family so he simply left that at that.
We are of different cultural backgrounds and this sort of conflict is typical in his culture. I had hoped he would've told her that she has no place to dictate how his relationships work, but he has stated that when the time comes-he will address the issue. I would never expect him to now see me on weekends, since he cant bring his daughter around. It would be selfish of me. Im not the kind of person to cause trouble or try and interfere. This is all very petty to me. I understand that my boyf has had a tough past & has dealt with these people and their horrible ways & interfering for a very long time, i understand he has no energy for it, i understand we are still a new couple and this relationship may not be what he wants or needs. I have told him my concerns, i don't wan to hound him any further and make life miserable...Our conversations have always lead to him saying that he has always been the way he is and that understands my point and will try. Then when he does the same thing we have a chat again (circles). I finally told him a few days ago that he needs to give me an answer by the morning if he is capable to be an active part of this relationship & start coming together with me as a couple. He then told me he wants to be in the relationship with me. I told him not to be afraid of breaking up because there is someone for everyone and he need not try go against his will to please me if its not in him.
I can understand that his Ex is threatened and i pitty her decision to move so away from her daughter for studies. I don't expect my partner to be a father to my child, i expect a friendly respectful and decent relationship between them, a man that she can have as a role model of good character in her life. I would never dream of replacing his daughters mothers place, or even try to.
I feel i can't confront him any more or carry on about the same issues just because they are irritating me.. I've decided to continue in the relationship as it was before the drama started. i'm going to be a positive partner and not cloud my boyf with any of my worries or concerns because i will be repeating myself. I choose to be happy and i create my own happiness. I don't want to complicate his life or expect too much when there are deeper underlying issues that he already has to deal with. I always wanted to be his relief and his happiness instead of a negative bitch, the last month i have been the latter with everything going on.
Am i doing the right thing, please any advice would be appreciated...