relationship a mess need advice plz?

Jessica - posted on 08/30/2011 ( 67 moms have responded )

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wondering what the thoughts are on, Thinking of leaving babys daddy because im sick of being called names,being told to get a job etc etc etc!!

or do i have to stick it out for my son?

im a struggling mother and dont need the crap that comes from his mouth.no help no love Etc...)

Love to no your thoughts!



also would like to no what bi-polar is....As thats what i have according to babys daddy!!! Who says that to sumone they r ment to love!!


SO IM STUCK IN A RUTT!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Krista - posted on 08/31/2011

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Ladies, please cool off on the personal attacks, and please do not let this turn into a debate regarding the value of social assistance. This woman is being verbally abused and is being made to doubt her own sanity by the father of her child. She needs help, not lectures on the state of Social Security.

Thank you,
Krista
WTCOM Moderator

Tracy - posted on 08/31/2011

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Kick his ass to the curb! It will actually be detrimental to your son to have him around that abuse. He will grow up thinking that is acceptable behavior and repeat it himself.



As far as the bipolar tell the dumb ass you must have missed it when he went to school for 7 years and got his psychiatric degree. Bipolar is one of the most misdiagnosed conditions there is.

1. Racing thoughts just jump from one thing to another all the time and can't shut down.

2. Depression. When you go into a manic depression phase you do not want to get out of bed to go to work there by losing your job. Easily agitated, or pissed off. Also many become suicidal,

3. Manic episodes. During a manic episode you have a tendency to have risk taking behavior. Over indulging in drinking or drugs, sexual promiscuity, partying and not stopping because you enjoy these feelings and don't want them to end. It's like being on natural speed.. (It's awesome if your house needs cleaned)

4. Shopping sprees. There again doing it because you enjoy the feeling.

5. There are 2 types type I which is the severe and Type II not as severe

6. There are cycling patterns between the depression and the manic. It is like being on a great big roller coaster and depending on your cycle (rapid cycle peaks and troughs are close together). Type I their peaks would be higher.

7. It goes hand in hand with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). When you have BPD they say you blow up at inopportune moments like when your boss was to reprimand you and you totally blow up that it is an exaggerated response to the situation there for you blow up at in opportune moments. Which can cost you jobs and stuff.

8. Severe mood swings. Which of course is the one that everyone says oh you must be bipolar.

9. Rapid speech patterns



There are an extreme amount of ignorant people out there. It is estimated that somewhere around 85% percent of the population that actually have it is either misdiagnosed or have not been diagnosed at all. It is very hard to diagnose without hospitalization if at all because they have to determine what is normal behavior versus abnormal such as the mood swings, rapid speech, etc. The majority of bipolar people end up on disability because they can not hold a job due to the mood swings.



For all the ignorant it is simply a chemical imbalance in your brain. Yes it is hereditary. www.nami.org the National Association of Mental Illness has all the information you can need. If any of these symptoms fit you by all means seek a psychologist/psychiatrist for evaluation especially for your son's sake because it is hereditary.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/30/2011

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Get the fuck out and don't look back. You and your son will be better off. Just remember, he is going to learn how to treat women, and his mother by seeing how his father treats you. Respect yourself and your son. Being a single mom is not easy, but worth it in these types of situations.

Camie - posted on 09/01/2011

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Hi Jessica,
I work as an advocate for a domestic violence agency, and your description of your partner sounds similar to many stories I hear every day. There is no excuse for the verbal abuse and name calling. It is demoralizing, and affects you and your child. My guess is that he is calling you bi-polar as part of the name calling -- not because you have it. If you do feel out of control with your emotions (feeling wonderful and on top of the world for a period of time, and then so depressed you can't get out of bed -- high highs and low lows -- in your emotions, please see a doctor). Others on this site have commented that your partner may be under tremendous stress. While this is true, you can cope with stress in many ways other than abusing those you love. It will only get worse if you don't put a stop to it. I would recommend you contact your local domestic violence agency and see if they have a shelter that can help you transition to a peaceful environment. If you and your partner want to work on your relationship, I would advise counseling, although if he is a truly abusive personality it will not work (we don't advise our clients to get counseling if they are in a truly violent situation). I don't know enough about your partner and situation to make a full assessment. However, if he is abusive towards you, this is what your son will learn. Is that what you want?
I hope you are motivated to change your situation for your son's sake as well as your own.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2011

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People who abuse the system screw it up for everyone else that needs it. Don't be so judgmental. Take a step back and realize the only people that make it shameful to receive help from the government when it is truly needed is people like you. Judgmental.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

67 Comments

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Audra - posted on 02/23/2012

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Don't allow him to mistreat/abuse you. It's important that you are whole, healthy, and happy as a person first, because your role as a mother is so important. You will have a great impact on your babies. For better or for worse. Those babies will grow into adults, with babies. Your influence as a momma is far-reaching. How you and your man treat each other will also be an example to your children, for better or for worse.



Your babies deserve a mom and a dad who treat them and each other with kindness and respect. If they can't have both biological parents, they need one parent who will find a spouse who will fill that empty role well and be a good example. It's hard to play the role of Mom AND Dad. Kids can build a relationship with a biological parent who doesn't live in the home. It's not ideal, but you have to think of who your children may become given the examples in their lives now.



best wishes Honey...

Stephanie - posted on 02/22/2012

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You DO NOT need to stick it out for your son! If he does this to you, he will to your son! I am sorry that you are being treated this way and I hope that someday you can find someone you loves you the way you deserve!

Candace - posted on 02/22/2012

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If ur not happy baby us not going to b happy. U have to what is right for u and the baby not the daddy. No deservice to b called names. Get out before ur child learns it is ok to live like that!

Andrea - posted on 02/19/2012

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No hes verbally abusive. and the next one abused is your kid.Get the hell out while your still alive kid.

Christie - posted on 09/03/2011

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If ur un happy and being verbal abused then u should not stick around for that! Not only will u suffer but the kids will to in the long run. I went throug a similar situation about 3years ago. My son is 6 now and the best thing I did was leave his father because he was mean to me, he called me names, he drank all the time, he was very controling and all we did was fight. Leaving will probably be the hardest thing ull ever have to do but u have to ask urself if this relationship is worth it. Never stay for the kids! Ur son can still se his dad and still have a good relationship with the both of u! Before I left I. Found a free place to go to talk to a professional and it only took one session to figure out what I needed to do! I look back now ond leaving was the best thing I could of done (even though my sons father is a pain in the ass still to this day!) A lot of thing alsom went along with me leaving him but only because I wasn't prepared an didn't know much about the law and what's to do in certain situations but its all over now and I'm happier now! If u want to know more ur more then welcome to email me and I can tell you my story and maybe it will help you out in some ways! Baby420bubbles@gmail.com. good luck and remember be strong and live ur life for ur baby! To do that u have to be happy and healthy! In order to be happy n healthy u have to have good ppl and relationships around u! Xo

JuLeah - posted on 09/02/2011

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Bi-polar is a mental illness diganosed by one qualified to diganose. Reading an article on google does not qualify one to diganose. Anger does not qualify one to diganose.

What you are discrribing is domestic violence

What your son is now learning is how he will treat women when he is grown

What your son is now learning is how women ought to act

Your son is learning how to be a man from this man

Educate yourself on domestic violence

Put a support system in place, community, support group, family ....

Document each time your son has heard/seen you being mis treated or spoken to in this fashion

Get out

Understand, leaving can be dangrous, so have a plan. Make sure when you leave you have all needed documents - birth records .... photos, speical things you don't want to lose. Men often distroy such things in anger

Maybe, pack up this stuff and store it as a friends house

Let family, friends, community in on what you are doing and what has been happening

Don't add to the drama in any way - this is not about your being 'right' but being your being safe

Good luck

Tah - posted on 09/02/2011

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i dont think anything anyone here has said is really anything you dont know...you need to leave now..you know that, but now its time to do it..

Janice - posted on 09/02/2011

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You need to get out of that relationship for you and your kid's safety. Nobody has the right to abuse you and walk all over you unless you gave him the permission to. Do it not for yourself, but for your kid.

Alexandra - posted on 09/01/2011

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you should leave because of your son. he will grow up just like this, you don't want that!
you can search on line what bi-polar is. But I doubt you are, i think this is just another way of him abusing you. Don't let him do this to you anymore.

Debbi - posted on 09/01/2011

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My husband developed a mean streak soon after my son was born and about the age of four I soon saw these traits showing up in my son. For my son's sake I decided to leave, I had another daughter also at the age of two at the time. It wasn't easy, I worked 3rd shift so they slept as the neighborhood teen babysat for me at a good rate. I cat napped during the day when they did and it was easier once they started school. I figured it out and you will too. I didn't depend on Gov't aid but it's out there. Not only the fact you don't have to lower your standards and put up with abuse, your children could possibly become abusers, and it will be your fault if you don't get them out of the situation, only you can decide how bad it is when living in violence. It's not a selfish act to save your children, it's the most unselfish act one can do to allow them some peace.

Laura - posted on 09/01/2011

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First of all that is not love.....and what is it teaching your son?. sometimes we think staying is better for the child, when in fact we are doing more harm than good. what is he gaining with his father?. Other than disrespect and lessons of how a man treats a woman. your first thought should be your sons well being.....

Brenda - posted on 09/01/2011

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First of all you baby dad does not have a doctor degree and no one should be verbally abused. I would love to know that the child is being raised by both parents but if he is abusing you he is also abusing your child. Seek some medical help before it get worst.

Kathy - posted on 09/01/2011

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Jessica - I would recommend you find a counselor, who can adequately advise you on relationship decisions and also bi-polar disorder. More than likely, the stresses you are dealing with can cause you to mimic those same characteristics. Also, you might consider a divorcecare ministry.... generally for married folks, but I've had a number of people in my class that weren't "legally" married but in most ways, the same. You can go to www.divorcecare.org to find a class near you. I've been involved with ours as an aide about 13 years - Church on Rush Creek - Arlington TX. Being in an unhealthy relationship is not good for your son or you...or for "the baby's daddy" for that matter.

Teri - posted on 09/01/2011

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I don't think anyone was condemning. I certainly wasn't. I think some strong opinions have been made on here and many different views expressed and it seems Jessica has made up her mind about what she does and doesn't want to do with regards to certain aspects of her life. Others should definitly not try to stir up anger or aggression on here and accept the posts for what they are. Nobody has told Jessica she should absolutely be working right this minute or that her son HAS to be in daycare. I know I didn't. I simply said he COULD be if she wanted to work. She has made it clear she wants neither at this time.

[deleted account]

I agree with other posts, I think you are best to ask your partner to come with you to a doctor, if he believes you have a illness he should be willing to support you to get help. If not going to counselling on your own or together to see if you can resolve your problems.
Being separated isn't all it is cracked up to be either, you still have to have a relationship with him as your childs father, you still need to resolve access and parenting issues and things can get very nasty and horrible for everyone involved which can impact negatively on your child. Being separated only really serves children better if they are embroiled in your bad relationship, I only know of a few cases where I can honestly say the children are better off all the others the children suffer in some way from their parents being separated, even if it is just as simple as missing one parent when with the other.

You do not deserve to put up with his bad treatment, but there could be things he is struggling with too and this is his way of expressing his need for help (albeit not helpful, it may be the only way he knows), I agree with another post look at Kim & Steve Cooper, their stuff is so incredibly helpful and she says some very true things about relationships ending.

Good luck :)

Chencho Gyalmo - posted on 08/31/2011

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I hear your pain is deep and sounds like the communication between you two has also deteriorated. I have a similar situation in that my husband has bi-polar and has been a very challenging situation because for many years i did not understand what the bi polar effects was on him and eventually on me and my two children. 15 years down the road bi polar if not diagonosed and treated will be harmful to the person in not understood. so i would suggest first to understand and see is his accusation true or just spite. if its spite and anger than i would say to protect yourself and your child understanding the impacts and results it will have on your life and child too, so you can deal with what comes following your decision. much strength and warmth in what you decide to do.

Angel Antoinette - posted on 08/31/2011

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Custody i mostly in favor of the mother ESP if hes abusive. Has he been convicted 4dom. violence? Is she unemployed to raise small children? There are so many factors when kids are involved. Stand firm and require more positive action from him vs a half hearted apology. U never miss ur h20 till your well runs dry. He'll wake up and want to change

Ronda - posted on 08/31/2011

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I live in Canada, not the US so I have no idea what your country does for social assistance. Here in Canada, It is not shameful and we actually have a lot of gov services and programs to help victims of family violence. There are options here that a lot of people use and I never tried to make you feel inadequate or anything, and I did not say anything about your not working. That was other people. I have been on Social assistance myself. Please read my original post. I did not condemn you, all I did was suggest what helped me in that same situation.

I am a stay at home mom now too, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I was also a stay at home mom when I broke up with my ex and I had no job experience and no way to support my kids, but with some help I got back on my feet and you can too. Sorry that other people totally misread what I wrote to you....I never meant you any disrespect.

[deleted account]

ps. I've been at the brink of divorce 2 times and have had to make the same decision that you are. After therapy and so much reading and working out bad habits, we are happier together than I ever imagined.

[deleted account]

Leaving is NOT your only option. Yes, his behavior is abusive, no, you don't have to take abuse, but you have other options. Do a little reading on children who have no fathers in their life and you will see that you want to make more effort to keep the relationship if possible. Read some info on bi-polar and have answers ready for this man. Do some reading on improving relationships and see what you can work out. Do some reading and/or therapy for own self improvement. You have the library and the internet FULL of information that can save you. It is not a quick answer, but quick answers often give you the worst regret later in life. So, take your time and work on it rather than run from it. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, your children will thank you for trying and you will be a better person for having learned so much.

Tracy - posted on 08/31/2011

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Take care of your self first so that you can take care of your son. Whether it is counseling, getting out, concentrating on your education. Sometimes by putting yourself first you are securing the best for son for his later life.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2011

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Keep up the good work Jessica! Do what you need to do for your mental health, and the good life you wish to pursue for you and your son!

Jessica - posted on 08/31/2011

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and im a stay at home mum and my son is almost 2 and NOT at daycare...Guess what im proud of it!! i dont work a 9-5 job,my job is 24/7 neva stops!! im studying as well.i think im doing enough.ill get a job when i have the skills i need etc etc..im raising my son how i want to.if i dnt want him in day care then thats my problem.his learning quiet alot from me thank you very much so he is learning about life everyday.so dnt jugde my son on daycare crap!!

gov money is there to help not set ppl up for life.
not my fault if some ppl in the world abuse the system!!

anyway everyone on here has a good point some where.
and i thank u all so much.

Jessica - posted on 08/31/2011

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Hmmm i am loving the help..its made me think.

very different views witch is always good.
im up for honesty any day!

thanks ladies!!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2011

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Rhonda "Your pitiful Marina!!" There is no need for that.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2011

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WHOA WHOA hold on a minute here. Rhonda, take a step back with the name calling. Watch it. Secondly, I was the 3rd person to post in here. Not here for controversy, I don't like what you had to say, and I debated it. Thirdly, her husband works, she is a SAHM. He pays taxes, and if she HAS EVER worked in her whole life, so has she. I am not saying sponge off the government for the remainder of your life, I am saying get government assistance to help get on your feet. Quite frankly, if she is going to leave, she is going to need help. Once again, I think you need ladders to get off the high horses.

Teri - posted on 08/31/2011

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Well said Rhonda. I'm done on this post. I notice that the originator hasn't answered many of the well meaning questions that have been asked of her so if someone is just looking to post for attention or those who will encourage her to leave but does not appreciate the well meant advice on how to make it happen IF need be...whats the point? Best of luck!

Teri - posted on 08/31/2011

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Jessica - we all want to raise our children and we do, working or being stay at home mothers. However, how do you PLAN (yes, I said PLAN) on being a stay at home, non-working parent and still get your bills paid; that cell phone, internet, utilities, gas in your car, insurance, rent, food on the table, school supplies, clothes, diapers...whatever...who do you expect to pay for all this? This country is getting away from freebies and running out of money. How old is your child? If that is him in the picture he looks old enough to be socializing in day care or pre-school of some kind. You could certainly get a paying job while he is in school. It will also teach your son about life and what he is expected to do when he is older. What he will NEED to do to support his family some day. I was in the military for 10 years and gave up my career to be home for my kids. Later divorced their father and took the 3 jobs AND went back to college AND I DID RAISE MY BOYS. My oldest is now 19 and made the Deans list in college his first year. Now on his second year. My youngest is in 6th grade, 12 years old and an A/B student. We have been on our own essentially since 2004....divorce final in 2007. Their father lives out of state and doesn't even get them on weekends. I don't have any family here. I know about hard work...thats all I'm saying. Work and raising your children is possible.

Teri - posted on 08/31/2011

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Marina- first of all...nobody said that she shouldn't or cannot or that it is shameful to use assistance of any kind. If she is not working, she won't be paying taxes now will she? There goes that theory. It has simply been said that she be realistic and understand that she cannot expect a free ride. She made her bed, layed down and now has a child to support. If anyone thinks that a good life is made for you or your child for free by the hard working, tax paying Americans of this country than you are setting your standards of living VERY low.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2011

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Ok, one more thing. You tell her to leave, but only if you can get help from family members or womens shelters. What if her family members are broke and there are no women shelters around. I guess she should just stay? Cause....government help could be embarrassing?!? Yeah.....

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2011

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BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I think I said it all right now, I guess I will wait and see.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2011

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How in the world do you think her family might be able to financially support her in this time Ronda? Are you kidding me? They would have to support an adult women, child, provide daycare while she job hunts, or when she gets a job; Back off. The girl needs help from the government there is no shame in that. Seriously.

Ronda - posted on 08/31/2011

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I think if you have no financial way of leaving then ask family for help. Do not listen to the people on here who are telling you to wait until you can save enough for a job/childcare/house it may NEVER happen, especially if you live in a tiny town like I do where there are no jobs and no childcare. Get help from family, women's shelter, but leave before the abuse gets worse, and trust me honey, it will. Good Luck

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/31/2011

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WTF is wrong here? This women needs to get out! Use any resource that you can, government funded or not. Otherwise you are going to stay stuck where you are. Lesser of two evils is gonna be government aid. Why the hell else do we pay taxes if we can not get help when it is urgent? For crying out loud. Dismount off the high horses.

Jenn - posted on 08/31/2011

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I totally agree with Teri government money is a bad idea and in my opinion shouldn't even exist it's the major problem with the economy today! If your going to leave you should be able to support yourself and your child. There are privately funded ways to get help too.

Kelli - posted on 08/31/2011

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I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Some things to consider:
-is this gentleman your husband? How long have you been together?
-is this your first child? I know from my three girls (19, 16& 13) parenting can be so tough at times for both you & him.

-Hopefully he doesn't mean his accusation of bi-polar and is just frustrated. I don't mean to be mean as well but have you spoken to your doctor? Do have other symptoms? My husband and I have been married for almost 21 years and it most certainly has been a roller coaster at times and alot of hard work, but worth the fight to stay together.

Best of luck to you!

Amanda - posted on 08/31/2011

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Heyyyy, don't leave as a first resort!!!! Relationships are workable! I was in the same boat, and finally I spoke quietly with him, and said in case I really do have it (depression in my case) could he come to the doctor with me.... got to see a clinical psychologist.... when he came with me back to the doctor for the follow up, she had the psych's report and told him HE had to see a psychologist!!!! Bingo! He couldn't argue with her! I made it out to be normal and helpful the whole time (which it is) and eventually he got the courage to go.... then our psychologists got together to do relationship counselling for us - the best thing!!!! We have turned a corner. Please don't give up before you've even tried something different to turn it around!!!! Also check out Kim & Steve Cooper on google.... they talk about getting a support network for yourself.... you've already done the best thing by asking on here! (Don't do this for bub, do it only if you deep down still love the guy)....Contact me if you want to know more :)

Michelle - posted on 08/31/2011

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Why would you want your son to learn that type of behavior is okay? Because staying is showing your son it is acceptable to behave that way and you as a woman is just going to accept how he should treat you and others when he grows up.

Now the BI-polar, go to the doctor they have depression questions and if they are answered properly will point out the potential for it. Several years ago I went to a doctor apt with a friend of mine and when they went over the questions (Dr was going to adjust meds) my friend answered one way and I kept answering differently. The Dr looked at me and our other friend and we finally pointed out "WE LIVE WITH HER". Once they diagnosed her properly and put her on the right meds it was like night and day. I managed to make the friendship last another year but there were too many other things that I just refused to accept anymore.

Tiarra - posted on 08/31/2011

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YOU REALLY DNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HIS MOUTH YO CAN LEAVE HIS ASS AS LONG AS HE DOES FOR THE BABY THEN THERE SHOULDN'T BE NO PROBLEM

Jessica - posted on 08/31/2011

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i just wonna say my view on working....its my choice and if i rather raise my son then i will..i pull my weight everyday and work hard for my son..so im not just sitting around getting FREE MONEY!!! im sick of ppl thinking stay at home mums do nothing! i raise my son and dam straight i should get money.Its not easy job and some ppl need help!

THANKS 4 ALL COMMENTS!! keep em coming.

Teri - posted on 08/31/2011

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No Rebecca...you are not ingorant nor did anyone imply that you are. Ignorance is demonstrated when people don't pick themselves up and help themselves but would rather sit back and blame the world because they don't have money and whine they have problems and children to feed...etc. I think they need to be smart and plan for their future. It requires hard work but yes, WIC helps and if you are lucky to find free daycare, that would be a blessing! All worth looking into.

Rebecca - posted on 08/31/2011

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ThereARE free options. Daycare and WIC. also if you actually are bi polar there is something called Vocational Rehab. Because bi polar is a disease you would qualify. They put you through school AND help you find a job. I was trying to give hope to the girl. You should never stand for abuse, but if the person can stop then maybe its worth trying. Don't let others bring you down. Concentrate on your kid and yourself and things WILL fall into place. I guess im just a glass half full type a girl. Not ignorant.

Oh and yes terri there is free money. Its called Medicaid and there is nothing wrong with that. That is what its there for. One should not solely rely on that just like you can't rely on child support as your whole income obviously. I have used Medicaid when my son was first born bc I thought things were not going to work out with my husband( we weren't married at that point). It helped a lot.

Karen - posted on 08/31/2011

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Do not stay It may be hard to leave but find a way to go I tried to stay for my daughters sake and in a way sometimes i think it did more harm than good she doesn't really show emotion and i think it was from all the fighting and arguing and stress that went on she was 6 then I finally got out and now she is a beautiful fun loving 16 year old she has come along way but in the end if you stay it will only damage you and the child.

Jolene - posted on 08/31/2011

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There are some posts here that I have to say disturb me a bit. First, none of us know the whole story. Second, leaving a man does not get him out of a child’s life. If she leaves he will be entitled to some sort of custody and probably joint custody. Just because the mom is not in the house does not mean the son won’t hear it at dad’s house directed at other people, such as a new girlfriend or wife.
I agree with those who said to go get counseling. Try to get him to go but even if he won’t go, go anyway and work on you. I also agree with not staying for the sake of the kids but maybe this is salvageable. Even if it isn’t, then you can honestly say you tried and leave with no regrets.
I also think it is irresponsible to automatically dismiss his concerns about bi-polar. I had concerns about that regarding my ex husband when we were married. I finally convinced him to go to the doctor when things get pretty bad and it turned out he had a chemical imbalance. With the help of medication he is much happier and leads a productive life. Even if it isn’t true, and it probably isn’t, she can prove him wrong and redirect his jackass remarks. So no harm going to the doctor for a consultation.
I have no idea what to say about you not working. I know hardly any families that can exist on one income so he may feel overwhelmed and need your help. If you leave you will HAVE to get a job so this is a frank discussion the two of you need to have. I deeply disagree with the poster who said as a single mother you will not wind up homeless or without money – I know plenty of single mothers who wound up both for various reasons. Welfare systems no longer automatically give to single mothers and most require some sort of work program anyway.
All I can say is make a plan and stick to it. Just realize leaving will not get him out of your life but it may be the best thing. Only you can decide that. Whatever you do, do it the smart way and be prepared to take care of yourself and your child. Good luck!

Angelina - posted on 08/31/2011

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You don't have to accept your baby's father calling you names,you are worth more ,don't let him knock your confidence ,you can seek counselling if you want the relationship to work .You do not have to accept such behaviour it is emotional abuse and you need to act as such behaviour is totally unacceptable.

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