Self Harming

Su - posted on 02/21/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My 15 year old daughter began self harming about three and a half years ago. At the time she was dealing with starting high school, the death of her grandfather, the recent devorce of myself and her dad, the birth of his first child with the woman he had cheated on me with intermittently for 8 years and me starting a relationship with my partner who I have now been with for about 4 years and ofcourse teenage hormones. Before this she had always been a happy child with lots of friends and always did well at school. she self harmed irregularly but it often happened when she was visiting her dad. She said he ignored her or didn't spend time with her and i know from past experience that he finds it hard to show affection and to give love in anyway other than to spend money and she was finding this out for herself.
For a long time I blamed him for the self harming but recently I have realised that she is actually trying to get at me. We have always had a close relationship but when I started seeing my partner she felt I was not paying as much attention to her. She has never admitted this but I can see that after having me to herself for 5 years after I left her father it obviously affected her deeply when I met my partner.
She craves my attention because she has never had that from her father and it was always us against the world. I have always worked fulltime and she has never liked this. My family live about 60 miles away and every time she self harmed in the past she had pleaded with me to move there. This has never been an option as my life is here. The last time she self harmed she again begged me and after a long talk with myself I said No. three weeks later she tried to commit suicide. Anyone know how to deal with this?....

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11 Comments

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Michell - posted on 09/21/2010

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I'm not a pschycologist; but selfharming comes when people have sooo much pain inside; they want to see it and really feel it!! U're daughter feels neglected and sooo alone at this moment!! U must get a 3rd person; see (Kathy H.); someone who can help both of u together in counsel and someone u're daughter can trust to talk to in private!! I also suffer from depression and my 13 yr old show the same signs; for now I'm putting myself and my needs (u're partner) aside to concentrate on my daughter's emotional well-being! Or see him outside of your daughter's eye!!We are going with Art therapy, because she loves painting and any art!! Most of all let her know that no matter what, u love her! Hug her every morning goodbye and in the eve's hello and tell her u love her!! I'll pray for her, I feel her pain and its just so horrendous; the emotions she's having at this moment!!

Kathy - posted on 02/22/2010

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Oh Sue-your daughter needs therapy NOW. I was a depressed teenager and a cutter. She is not harming herself to "get back" at anyone. She harms herself to releive the mental pain she is feeling. The physical pain is an outlet when she hits the overwhelming point in her head and just can't deal anymore. Please make an appointment with your doctor and get a referel to a therapist and take her-no matter what her attitude. Keep taking her. Get her that third party safe person to talk to. I can start to explain how much that helped me as a teen. She is high-risk for being sucessful at suicide and also growing into a depressed adult that self-multilates. I am always to talk to any teen going through this is she is interested in emailing. I am just a regular person who has battled depression since I was 13. I am still go to therapy when I need it and have not hurt myself since I was 15. If either of you would like to talk, please email me-athenah437@hotmail.com. Kathy

Megan - posted on 02/21/2010

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Therapy is critical, however you should look into a new therapist that will be able to see her regularly. She needs someone she can trust and confide in. She needs to have someone that she can sit and talk with about anything and everything.

My dad passed away when I was in 8th grade and I was seeing a therapist after because I fell into a depression. She saw me once a week and we not only met in her office but she also took me to McDonalds, to get snow cones and to the park. Places a kid feels comfortable at. She was the only person that I ever told about my true feelings about my dad.

Tonya - posted on 02/21/2010

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First of all, you need to be there for her and take care of you too. I know it's tough as a divorced mom who's dealing with moving on with your own relationships and an ex who's insensitive toward the kids. (My ex will have the kids saying "uh-huh" for 20-30 minutes while he sits on the phone and rattles to them and never asks about them. Plus with his issues....Ugh!!!)



Secondly, you both need counseling. Self-harming is about how she's feeling about herself. It may include "getting to" you, but the basic part is not. It's about feeling control over something in life. I've got a friend who cut for years and attempted suicide and I've been working with a 15 yr old who's been in counseling for cutting and is still struggling with it. Both have talked to me about how they tend to cut when things in their lives make them feel as if they have no control over anything.



Your daughter NEEDS someone to talk to. That counselor needs to be the SAME person so that she can build the level of trust needed to be completely open and honest about what's going on in her life and her head. Changing counselors often will not allow that to happen and may actually prevent her from getting the help she needs.



Try talking to the people in charge of the counseling center and her personal doctor about getting her in with a specific counselor. Preferablly someone with a specialty in teens.

Sara - posted on 02/21/2010

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poor baby- keep doing what you're doing- pay attention to her and care- she's lucky to have you. Therapy is critical right now.

Rosie - posted on 02/21/2010

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i cut myself as a child, and only after i found a boyfriend did i stop. i felt like nobody thought i was pretty, and people made fun of me at school and stuff. i never told my parents how i felt and what i was doing, i just felt like i had control of the hurt. if i could hurt myself more than somebody else then i won. i had problems with men for years, although i learned that cutting myself wasn't the answer, i chose to do stupid things with men. in my opinion she's very depressed. there were no other signs of depression from me- i did good in school, i had friends, but i was still very depressed. in my 20's is when i finally got help. you need to get her some help, real help, not the stupid people you've been seeing. that 's crazy that they make you wait 6-8 weeks. get her some real help soon.

Sheree - posted on 02/21/2010

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I agree with Tracy, You need to find someone that she can talk to frequently, like once a week and it needs to be the same person, otherwise you are starting a square one each time she starts with a new therapist

Tracy - posted on 02/21/2010

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You have to wait 6 - 8 weeks? And you may not see the same person? WHAT? Any therapist worth their salt knows better than to leave a suicidal person to themselves for that long, AND that they need to have one specific person to bond with. Otherwise you're just throwing away time and money.

Su - posted on 02/21/2010

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thanx Tracy.. she gets on really well with my partner he has two daughters from a previous marriage and they are round about the same age.. I have just got her into some therapy but after the first session they said you now have to wait 6-8 weeks for your next appointment and we cannot guarantee that each time you see someone it will be the same person... I hope it helps but really am struggling...

Iridescent - posted on 02/21/2010

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This is a type of coping that goes along with major depression. She needs to see a licensed psychologist on a regular basis and learn other methods to cope.

Tracy - posted on 02/21/2010

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Therapy. For her and both of you. How does she get along with your partner? I can't imagine how scary this has to be for you... Mine aren't teens yet, but I hurt myself as a kid. And again when my marriage was crumbling. Therapy and mild anti depressants helped me take control again. Good luck to you!