seperation

NURAAN - posted on 11/18/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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myself and my husband have been on a 'trial' separation for about 3mths, we are married 18yrs but due to substance abuse i decided to be on my own until he get's sorted but i'm worried how this is affecting my chids (18yrs she's married / 15 / 8) all girls they understand what is going on well not the 8yr old she just thinks daddy and mommy need a time out, what do i do beside therapy as they say all is fine but i can see it in there eyes! he loves them but not working hard enough to prove it too them or me......

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Jeannie - posted on 11/19/2009

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I have been divorced for 5yrs now and am taking a divorce class at a local church. In the class we learnd about how seperation and divorce effects children. There is a web site: www.beforeyoudivorce.org and www.DC4K.org : Divorce care for kids If at all possible I hope you and your husband work it out....in the meantime be brave and consistant with your kids. Don't know if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, He is the only one that helped me and my 5yrold at the time of my sep. and divorce. He can help you in this difficult time too. Jeannie

Angela - posted on 11/19/2009

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He has an addiction and unfortunately the addiction rules his life. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you guys. Are you going to group therapy where you can connect with others who have a loved one who is addicted. I'm glad the children understand that mommy and daddy is having a time-out, but do they understand why? Do they know that daddy is sick and that you are doing this in the hopes daddy will get well? What type of help is he getting for his issue? He may need to do an inpatient program for about a month and then do outpatient. The one thing he will have to do to be successful is get away from everything that encourages the addiction. That is what I had to do at first. Until I was strong enough to be in a bar and be okay with drinking soda, I had to get rid of a lot of friends and start a whole new life basically. Until your husband is willing to do that, he's not going to get better because it's those friends who are going to derail him by telling him he doesn't have a problem, etc.

Bobbi-Jo - posted on 11/19/2009

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It is a hard situation. My husband and I had seperated partly because of that when I was pregnant with my 4th child. It takes time and only he can decide what he wants to do. It took my husband quite a while, but fortunately we are back together and a lot happier now. I was like you. Drugs are not something that we need in our lives no matter what he is abusing. Just try to hang in there, be supportive (as much as you can) and don't forget to live your life. There are 3 others who need you.

Connie - posted on 11/18/2009

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Nuraan,

Substance abuse is a hard issue to deal with. I'm a divorced mother of 2 who went through the same thing. Try to stay strong and stick to your values. There is a chance that your husband will do the right thing for your family but often times substance abusers are in denial and sometimes it takes them losing it all before they realize where they're at. Please remember that although his issues has affected your family, try not to involve the children. They have and will see things on their own and my need some guidance on sorting it out. My prayers are with you and your family.

Pep - posted on 11/18/2009

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Hi, Nuraan,
Im sorry to hear that your going through a tough time at the moment. i also know its very easy to look from the outside in and say everything will work out in the end. Most of the time it does. U can only show and tell your kids how much you love them, and support them thru this time. In the end as time goes on, and the wounds heal they will realise that none of this was their fault and they will remember YOU always being there for them. I think that in itself is so important, just being there. Time heals all wounds it may take abit longer than expected but things will get better and maybe your husband will change, all you can do is try and support each other for the kids (even if you dont continue with your relationship with ur husband) and if your family comes out of it together and stays together it will be stronger for it. And it will draw you and ur husband closer together, and u will be better friends and parents for the children. I know it seems like a long road to travel but once uve overcome the hurt and anger and pain u will see there is light at the end of the road :) stay strong and believe in the love you have for your kids it will keep you going :) take care
Pep

NURAAN - posted on 11/18/2009

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Quoting Amy:

You are going through a very tough time filled with anxiety and worry. Most importantly, remind your kids how much you love them no matter what and that none of this is their fault. When I got divorced, I thought I made it super clear that it was mommy and daddy having trouble but in little ways I could tell they still thought they had done something wrong. Stick to your values for you as you deserve it. And remember to listen to what they say and don't say. It will seem like a roller coaster until the dust settles. Just spend as much time with them as you can and tell them how important they are to you.


hi Amy



thank you very much for the reply and advise. i do listen and tell them that we both still love them and that i love them very much but it just hurts to see there faces when his not around. but i pray that this roller coaster ride will end as it's just too much. and yes they do think they are to blame in some way but when i explain they feel better but each day different emotions come up and you can't blame them. again thank you and i will do what you have also suggested.



thank you-))

Amy - posted on 11/18/2009

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You are going through a very tough time filled with anxiety and worry. Most importantly, remind your kids how much you love them no matter what and that none of this is their fault. When I got divorced, I thought I made it super clear that it was mommy and daddy having trouble but in little ways I could tell they still thought they had done something wrong. Stick to your values for you as you deserve it. And remember to listen to what they say and don't say. It will seem like a roller coaster until the dust settles. Just spend as much time with them as you can and tell them how important they are to you.

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