Sex Drive? Enhance?

Michelle - posted on 06/23/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My sex drive after kids is low at best. I want to be a good wife and mother and have trouble balancing the act. My husband is very attention needy and has a high sex drive. I feel left behind. I want to be able to keep up with him. I feel I am losing it sometimes and hate it when I disappoint him by not having any enthusiasm left for that part of our lives. After three kids I have less time and energy left for him and our marriage. He is very helpful with the kids, house work and cooking. I do not make the time and effort always needed for our love life and need a boost. Any ideas??? He is a good and considerate lover so that is not the problem. I do not want to starve his self esteem with my lack of drive. Anyone else out there who has had this problem and found help?

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Judy - posted on 06/25/2009

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I would like to ditto talking openly about how you are both feeling, and making time to be alone. If you have grandparents nearby, or friends that you could trade childcare with, it's great to have your kids away for an overnight. Whether you go to a hotel, or just stay at home is up to you. It really helped us to reconnect and I was able to give my undivided attention to my husband. I reccommend the book: His Needs, Her Needs. It will help you both understand your own personal needs as well as each others' needs in many different areas of life, including your sex life. It will give you some great ideas for meaningful conversations.

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I feel your pain, I have two small children and find it very exhausting running after them all day and also tring to keep 2 home-based businesses afloat AND keeping the house spic-n-span (my husband is very anal about cleanleness) then having to keep him happy in the bedroom~plus he's 13 years older than me~where did my sex drive go?...lol the only thing that I can suggest is that you and your husband need to set some designated time aside together, like a date-night. If you are like us and can not afford or depend on a babysitter everyweek, we put our kids to bed early and make the best of our night together. Sure I would much rather be resting (or sleeping), but that down-time together could get you in the mood. If he is a sensual guy, he could always romance you, by a massage or whatever may turn you on.....I heard foreplay is nice, whatever THAT may be..lol Anyway that you two can be alone and reconnect should help a little.

 



 



Quoting Michelle:





Sex Drive? Enhance?

My sex drive after kids is low at best. I want to be a good wife and mother and have trouble balancing the act. My husband is very attention needy and has a high sex drive. I feel left behind. I want to be able to keep up with him. I feel I am losing it sometimes and hate it when I disappoint him by not having any enthusiasm left for that part of our lives. After three kids I have less time and energy left for him and our marriage. He is very helpful with the kids, house work and cooking. I do not make the time and effort always needed for our love life and need a boost. Any ideas??? He is a good and considerate lover so that is not the problem. I do not want to starve his self esteem with my lack of drive. Anyone else out there who has had this problem and found help?





 

Kim - posted on 06/24/2009

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Went through it also! Found a great book by P. B. Wilson, God is in the Bedroom Too. It helped ME out immensely. I didn't understand alot about what was happening to me and us. This book answered alot of questions and offers alot in the ways of tips and ideas to sort things out. We make sure we put the kids to bed usually at 8:30 in order for us to have time together. I thing I did learn was that he doesn't want to always be the one asking, so I had to make a greater effort on my part. It is still work in progress but it is working! Wishing you many blessing on your relationship and marriage, Pray first, Pray always! God Bless!

Licorice - posted on 06/24/2009

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I remember being very tired after I had my first son and I got pregnant with my second son 11 moths latter, in three years I had two kids, so i can understand the low sex drive. But now that mine are older and I am finally in a wonderful relationship ( I am a divorced from my boys dad) I feel like a teenager again. I really decided not to let my sexy side go just because I was a mom. Now I really make an effort to make sure I have time alone with my man, even if its just a few times a week, and even if we just snuggle. I also make sure to have fun with it a wear a sexy dress he likes or his favorite perfume. We can't forget we are beautiful women and our man is into us even if we feel like all we did all days was work and cook and clean up messes..we are sexy and its ok to dress it up a bit and I think its fun to do things I know turn him on.
Feeling good about myself helps me keep the flame alive.
But that's just me...

Tawanah - posted on 06/24/2009

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How old are you? I had the same problem after my kids and I had my first son at 28 and my daughter when I was 30 and I didn't get my drive back till I as 31 or 31/1/2 and I just turned 32 this year in April and I don't believe it as nothing I did to get that back I just started wanting it more and more like old times.During my down time he never address me like if it was a problem for him I guess he had faith that it would pass and luckily for our marriage it did pass.

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Mindy - posted on 07/02/2009

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I understand that we all get tire from time to time, but the true is if you able to tell yourself you are not tire, immediately you are a different person. think about it, how much time do you need to have sex? plus after that you will have a really good sleep. so go for it, enjoy yourself! if you still need a extra boost, give this Female Libido Formula a try,

http://www.marketamerica.com/ibelieve/pr...

it is all natural supplement, of course, ask your doctor first if you are taking a lot of medication.

good luck to you, and you can do anything, it is just a switch of your thinking.

Michelle - posted on 07/01/2009

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I have talked to my husband some about this. We have set a twice a week minimum. He wants at least once a day. I am going to talk to my doctor when I go in for my yearly checkup to see if there is a way to cut down on the mood swings for me and possibly enhance my sex drive. Mostly we have quickies. Trying to add some foreplay for him. He's like the energizer bunny. He never wants to stop. We are going to try a massage, dance or other pre-intercourse turn ons for him when we are able. I am also going to try alot of your suggestions. Starting with making sure the kids are in bed early. This is going to be quite the challenge. Pray I can meet it. We also have a house guest who is staying a few months. I am going to ask him to give us some alone time and to watch the kids every so often. Thanks for all the responses. You really helped me.

Gilberte - posted on 06/24/2009

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hello i am having the same problem but mine i have to take alot of med my fiance is being very patiance how can i help him i just don't have any sex drive can anyone help me please and thank you

Meghan - posted on 06/24/2009

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Yeppers....having the same problem. Try toys or letting him please you. This would/could up his self esteem and you as well.

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not to tick anybody off but try some erotica...there are some great collections, written by and for women, and I found it helped get my head thinking that way....what do they say, a woman's best sex organ is between her ears? He will get a charge out of it too, especially if you share the stories that got you hot, and the benefits to both of you will be visible for the whole world to see...

LaCi - posted on 06/24/2009

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I only have 1 kiddo, but I've gotten over my slump by just doing it anyway. Regardless of how tired I am or how much time we might have, I made myself put forth that effort. It seems the less I actually had sex the less I cared about having it, but the more I do the more I want to. Its always been worth the effort. Might just be me, but my sex drive is back.

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I see you have had a couple of people write with some advice and it all sounds good! I agree tremendously with the statement.."you are not alone"! Kids put a strain on your marriage in all kinds of ways...sexual, financial, etc. It's just the way it is. But if you are open and honest with each other and agree to listen to each others side of things, you will be just fine. Kids grow and things change. And eventually you will have more time for each other in the bedroom :) I do have to add that a nice weekend together, with out the kids, does wonders for a marriage. I know in this economy it is difficult to do that sometimes, but go ANYWHERE!!! When my husband and I were at odds in this department, I booked us a trip at a bed and breakfast. And let me tell you, it helps. We reconnected on all levels. There was no stress so, we could just enjoy each other again. I hope any of this helps you! Hang in there.

Jennifer - posted on 06/24/2009

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You aren't alone. I only have one kid and my energy is very low. I don't have any advice, just hang in there.

Simone - posted on 06/23/2009

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Hi Michelle; like you I have three kids and hubby with a high sex drive while I've had very little energy. It's been a very long and often frustrating journey. This was probably the biggest source of conflict between us, as we seemed to be so at odds in this highly sensitive area.Sorry I don't have any quick fix answers for you; what has helped are a couple of things...

1) Don't be afraid of the odd "quickie" to keep him going (MSB in blokes is like PMS in us... Massive Sperm Buildup... my friend's term!)

2) Man cannot live on quickies alone... my hubby always complains that he didn't feel close to me with just quickies, he wanted more closeness, cuccles etc. I seldom had the patience for long drawn out sessions, but DID discover that a couple of things would put me in the mood... (a) a back/neck rub to relax me; (b) a no pressure, no expectations candlelight talk, just cuddling... could often lead to other things but the TALKING (and him saying nice things) would help me feel closer to him

3) Talk about it honestly together when you're not in the middle of things; i.e. not when he's saying, "How bout it?" and you're saying, "Darling I have a headache..."

Have a coffee and talk about it without any pressure and work out between you an acceptable minimum level of frequency;

After years of ups and downs, we are finally getting on a better even keel, with (a) better quality and (b) even a bit more frequency. We set the minimum level at once a week, with his ideal being 3-4 times a week (a big drop from the early days pre-kids! but more realistic for me).

This is so common; I think when you have the demands of kids all day, the last thing you feel like is one more "demand" which requires you put more of yourself out there.

Hope this helps a little. You are really not on your own!

:)

Crystal - posted on 06/23/2009

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i do seem to have the same problem, except i only have one kid. my husband sounds just like yours, very high sex drive, i wish i could help but at least know you are definately not alone

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