Sexual Abuse

Sarah - posted on 06/21/2010

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
This is my line of work, working with sexually abused women and adolescents. The agency I worked for also saw children, although my clients were all 13 and older. It happens ALL the TIME. With children it is almost always a family member or close family friend/teacher/pastor etc. Pedophiles are very good at blending into society and they are looking for the weakest link!
here are the facts- 1in 3 women and 1 in 6 men will be the victim of sexual abuse at some point in their lives. girls aged 16-24 are at the highest risk of rape. if you or someone you know is the victim of sexual abuse, please contact www.rainn.org for more information

Rosie - posted on 06/21/2010

i think there is such a thing of being to concerned when it starts to interfere with your childs life. most all sexual abuse is done by someone that the victim knows, just skimming through the posts all of them were perpetrated by someone they knew and trusted. you just have to be vigilant about who you choose to leave your daughter with-not to the point where it interferes with their life though. i'm not trying to make it seem like it's stupid to be concerned because it's not, but there is a line, and it almost seems from what you've wrote that you might be crossing it a bit.

and to answer the original question, i know of NOBODY who has been sexually abused.

Sharon - posted on 06/21/2010

resurrection?

Misty - posted on 06/21/2010

Hi Brittany,
First of all I want to tell you that you are being a mother. We are supposed to protect our children no matter what (or who in some cases) it is from. I have two girls 8 & 10. When they were little I would not allow them to be out of my sight (they were still allowed to play, have fun and be a kid) anywhere we went, especially around one side of my family. For reasons that are very justified. I also have taught them from before they were one, that there are certain parts of their body that are private and NO ONE under any circumstance is allowed or should ever touch them there. I now allow them to do thing out of my sight, but I always know where they are at & who they are with. I will also go see what is going on. I told myself that they will never go through what I had to. I hope everything is going better for you.

Sonia - posted on 12/15/2009

I have a 3 year old too, and I think you are perfectly rational and reasonable to be watchful and concerned in the ways that you are. I don't personally know of children who have been abused even when their parents were careful, but many of those circumstances don't get talked about. As for the church nursery, we DO drop my daughter off there, but I know that the church does a background check on all of the nursery workers, and there are usually 3 workers there at any one time (never all male), and our church is small, so we know all of the nursery workers/ Sunday School teachers personally and can vouch for their character. We have started to talk with our daughter about protecting her body and about open communication with us as her parents (nobody can tell her to keep a secret from us), but I will continue to be VIGILANT -- not paranoid, but just careful. It sounds to me like your concerns aren't keeping you from allowing your daughter to do normal 3 year old activities, so I think you're doing a good job balancing your watchfulness with freedom and fun!

Kathryn - posted on 12/15/2009

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you." Unfortunately, there is a good reason to worry endlessly about your child falling prey to evil people. There seem to be an awful lot of them out there, and you can never tell who they are. The guy who looks like a Hell's Angel can be the greatest guy in the world and the business man driving the Lexus to pick up his kids from soccer practice can be a total pervert. It's a scary thing and every parent SHOULD be scared. The fine line we have to walk is between being vigilant and scaring our children in to not trusting anyone. We send them conflicting messages. We say, "Don't talk to strangers." Then some man says hi to them in church and we say, "Say hello, now. Don't be rude." I have heard many stories of women who thought they were in danger, but hesitated to run or assert themselves because they didn't trust their instincts and didn't want to overreact and insult someone. How do we teach our children to protect themselves without scaring them to death? I'm not entirely sure and it weighs on me as well.

Patricia - posted on 12/15/2009

I don't know how many replies you've had but here goes. After 28 yrs. this still makes my blood run cold. I am in a second marriage; but yrs. ago 28 to be exact. My first marrige had just ended, and I was working practically every day to try to support my children on very little money, & almost no child support. I was so careful with my oldest 2 children(at that time, only children), that we even had passwors for the only people they were allowed to go with. I was a very watchful parent, maybe overly so. But I was a single parent, I had to be; and times were starting to get bad. I had to work, so I had to have babysitters. I screened them carefully. There came one Memorial Day; and my sitter couldn't watch them. So I asked my parents who were having a family B-B-Q. Lookin back I guess my children weren't considered part of the family. Any way, my mother suggested that I ask my oldest niece to babysit. I only considered her because she was 16, & I worked a 10 hour shift. I came home that night and everything seemed fine, children in bed and all was quiet! But the next morning @ the breakfast table, from the childre a tale of horror unfolded that both made me sick to my stomach & made my blood run cold! For 10 of the most horrible hours the previous day "MY NIECE" mollested my children in every of the most disgusting ways you can imagine. Finally when my children felt like they were doing such wrong things, they banded together & just refused any more. What she did then was to just walk out, and stay gone until the children grew tired & finally put themselves to bed! My niece was standing just outside, but they were only 3 & 4 and they didn't know that! For several hours they just sat on the couch together and held hands and cried!
If it hadn't been family I would have called the police. But as it was I went & faced my brother & his daughter myself. I told him I wanted him to deal with it in some real way, and to get the girl some help. I wish now that I would have just followed my first inclination and called the police. Because nothing was ever done. Please don't ever feel that you are being too overbearing or overcautious when it comes to your children. Because sexual abuse comes in many packages & from people that you would never expect, even from your own family! My oldest son & daughter are now adults with their own children, but the scars from what happened that day are still there! I hope this answer was in some way helpful!! Pat

Mel - posted on 12/14/2009

I was sexually abused from age 8-nearly13 by my mums bf, I told my mum when I was 11 but she didnt believe me so I went to the cops when I was in high school. My best friend was abused in all ways by her dad. My mums work mate was abused and fell pregnant at 12. I knwo plenty of other friends who claim sexual abuse but I couldnt be positive because people lie

Nancy - posted on 12/14/2009

Well I was a victim of sexual abuse as were my sisters. The best advise I can give you is talk to your kids about sex, sex abuse, bad touch good touch. Also tell your kids to trust their gut, if they don't want to hug or kiss someone even if it is a relative then respect their decision. When kids are forced to do things that their gut says no May open the door to abuse, because they are being told not to trust their inner voice.
Also if you look at the statistics of child abuse/sexual abuse it is usually a person you know and probably trust. I agree with Jodi, you may need to get some counseling for your own fears. You don't want your daughter so afraid of everyone that she can't even make friends.

Michelle - posted on 12/14/2009

Quoting Brittany:

Sexual Abuse

If any of you feel comfortable talking about it. Numbers only for the sake of privacy but how many children do you know of that have suffered some kind of sexual abuse under what would normally be deemed healthy circumstances. I mean things like, the parents of the children were vigilant, ect ect. Based on my experiences I have become admittedly paranoid about my own child. Most of it I consider healthy. For ex. whenever she does ballet, jazz ect. I sit outside the class within earshot. I don't let her spend the night with people who aren't relatives or considered relatives, and even then that doesn't mean that just because we are related that I trust you with my daughter's safety. My point is I don't feel even feel comfortable leaving her in the nursery to attend church service. When its time for kids Sunday school, I sit in the vacant classroom beside her within ear shot. I'm starting to get curious how many of you have kids or know kids that something has happened to under "good" "watchful" circumstances? My husband is starting to get concerned, but my daughter is only 3. She is not old enough to defend herself, and at 3 I don't believe there is a such thing as being "to concerned".

Rebecca - posted on 12/12/2009

Sharon i just read you post and my percious post was not directed towards what you have said at all...very weird coincidence... It does happen to some people i guess if they are old enough to remember it maybe but in my mind i think if you didn't like it as a child why would you think another child would...this topic sickens me...i wotn be back to check this board.

Sorry ladies.

Rebecca - posted on 12/12/2009

I don't like the "rumor" that people who are abused are abusers when they get older. I hate hearing that as an "excuse". I have never touched a child for shits and giggles and I don't know what would posess someone to do such a thing. I would never wish it upon anyone to have to over come something like this.

Kris - posted on 12/12/2009

Hi Brittany,
I don't know how many kids are abused under these circumstances. What I do know is that I was molested by my stepfather. I have raised 2 boys, 22 and 17, I wasn't overly vigilant with them but I did pay attention to where they went and who they were with. I also listened to my gut instincts about people. I'm afraid you might be going overboard in protecting your daughter, but I also understand wanting to keep her from harm. Unfortunately this is not a black and white issue, you can't tell if someone is a child molester just by looking at them. I wish I could tell you how to keep her completely safe.

Sharon - posted on 12/12/2009

LOL I'll bet its not any comfort but I've been called paranoid too.

Brittany - posted on 12/12/2009

Well ladies, I am sorry for the above listed experiences. thank you for sharing. I don't think my behavior is paranoid, just vigilant.

Sharon - posted on 12/12/2009

One child in a perfectly normal house - no convicts, no drugs, no transient family coming in & out of the home was sexually abused. Was abused by a minor family member who claimed to have been abused when they were younger.



I don't know any other children who have been sexually abused. I do know that about 1/3 of my female friends claim to have experienced abuse as children.

Brittany - posted on 12/12/2009

Quoting Andarte:

Why are you so worried about this? It honestly sounds to me like something happened to you in your childhood and you are projecting this worry on your child. Relax a little -- I can't even imagine that something like that would happen to her.

Neither did my grandmother. Google Quenette Shehane birmingham AL. Usually the most glamorized cases portray the female victim as a slut or just a plain fool ex. Walking in a dark alley behind a club at 2 am. Both of these people are still victims. Quenette went to the store for salad dressing....I just wondered if other parents shared my (what most call paranoia).

Rebecca - posted on 12/12/2009

Quoting Renae:

I haven't ever sat and counted the number, somewhere around 20 I think. Many of it happened under "good and watchful" circumstances. Without too much detail out of respect for my family, my mother had very good reason to be protective of me. She was definately over-protective to the point of being completely irrational even into my teenage years, infact I had to move out to get out from her grips.

I was taught from a young age that there are bad people in the world, I believe children need to know this. I had a list of people I could trust and I was not allowed to trust anyone else.

Oh I just thought of another one, a little girl we lived next door to, she let a male neighbour into her house while her mum was out. He knocked on my door too, but I didn't let him in, even though I knew who he was, because he wasn't on the "safe" list. And the gardener at school whose car I refused to get into, he wasn't on the safe list either, but another girl in my class went with him the next day.

My mother also warned me about the things abusers do to lure kids and the things they say to scare them into not telling anyone (usually threatening to hurt their mother if they tell). Because I already knew their tricks, it would never have worked on me, I would have screamed bloody murder and kicked and fought if anyone came near me. Abusers usually give up if the child fights, they prefer their victims to submit, children should be taught to fight.

I have every intention of teaching my son when he is old enough (things happen to little boys too) everything that my mother taught me. Until then, I will watch him like a hawk and only leave him with his "safe list".

Maybe I'm not the best person to ask because I am still over-careful today. I know many adults who have had horrible things happen too. I lock my car doors when I'm driving, I check my back seat before I get in, I don't walk anywhere alone (even during the day) without my dog, I don't take the bin out at night (a women in a nearby suburb was raped putting out her rubbish on a Monday evening), if I go out the front I lock the door behind me even just to check the mail so noone can sneak in my house while I'm not looking. So maybe I am just as paranoid!!

I do everything you do...lock the doors when driving, check the backseat and i always keep an eye over my shoulder when walking to a my car in a parking lot and keep my biggest key in between my fist. I would rahter be parinoid then live with regret like my mother had to. I also plan on teaching my kids about the "bad" people of the world. And things to watch out for...don't get in a strangers vehicle even if they say they have candy or lost a dog. don't answer the door if i'm not there to get it,etc. When you have family history of abuse by people who are in your own family you learn to be careful and who you can and can not trust.

Crystal - posted on 12/12/2009

I was molested by my father when I was 10 years old. My own flesh and blood, the one person who SHOULD HAVE protected me.

Andarte - posted on 12/12/2009

Why are you so worried about this? It honestly sounds to me like something happened to you in your childhood and you are projecting this worry on your child. Relax a little -- I can't even imagine that something like that would happen to her.

Renae - posted on 12/12/2009

I haven't ever sat and counted the number, somewhere around 20 I think. Many of it happened under "good and watchful" circumstances. Without too much detail out of respect for my family, my mother had very good reason to be protective of me. She was definately over-protective to the point of being completely irrational even into my teenage years, infact I had to move out to get out from her grips.



I was taught from a young age that there are bad people in the world, I believe children need to know this. I had a list of people I could trust and I was not allowed to trust anyone else.



Oh I just thought of another one, a little girl we lived next door to, she let a male neighbour into her house while her mum was out. He knocked on my door too, but I didn't let him in, even though I knew who he was, because he wasn't on the "safe" list. And the gardener at school whose car I refused to get into, he wasn't on the safe list either, but another girl in my class went with him the next day.



My mother also warned me about the things abusers do to lure kids and the things they say to scare them into not telling anyone (usually threatening to hurt their mother if they tell). Because I already knew their tricks, it would never have worked on me, I would have screamed bloody murder and kicked and fought if anyone came near me. Abusers usually give up if the child fights, they prefer their victims to submit, children should be taught to fight.



I have every intention of teaching my son when he is old enough (things happen to little boys too) everything that my mother taught me. Until then, I will watch him like a hawk and only leave him with his "safe list".



Maybe I'm not the best person to ask because I am still over-careful today. I know many adults who have had horrible things happen too. I lock my car doors when I'm driving, I check my back seat before I get in, I don't walk anywhere alone (even during the day) without my dog, I don't take the bin out at night (a women in a nearby suburb was raped putting out her rubbish on a Monday evening), if I go out the front I lock the door behind me even just to check the mail so noone can sneak in my house while I'm not looking. So maybe I am just as paranoid!!

Shelagh - posted on 12/12/2009

Here in Ireland there is a major scandal at the moment, about child sexual abuse that has been happening for at least the last 30 years, and was covered up by both the Catholic church and the gardai (police). People in authority (clergymen) sexually abusing children, both boys and girls - and then when complaints were made, the church was 'dealing with it' internally, without referring it to the police (this usually took the form of the offending priest being moved to a different parish, where of course he could start abusing all over again), or if the parents reported it to the police, nothing was done. So, I would say to Brittany - yes, it happens, and it can happen where parents are being vigilant (if you can't trust a priest, who can you trust...). Trust your instincts.

Rebecca - posted on 12/12/2009

I was 2 months old when i was abused by my father...my sister was 2yrs.

My cousin was abused by her mother bf at the age of 13yrs.

My mother was abused by her cousin at the age of 6yrs.

My cousins daughter was abused by her grand-mothers bf at the age of 13...she is still seeking counceling.

I was abused at the age of 14 by a complete stranger in a mall! He grabbed the inside of my leg as i walked by and grabbed my crotch.

I now have a 2yr old son and a 5m old daughter and i can tell yuo i am parinoid to shit! My husband made a joke to a friend of his one night while we were outside by the first and his friend needed to go inside to pee and he said i better not catch you breastfeeding my daughter if i go inside. I jsut sat there stunned that my husband would say such a thing. We talked about it the next day as i didn't watn to explode in front of his friends and my family history be revealed. I had a hard time trusting my own daughter with her father for God sakes. For my father to take away my right to trust i will never forgive! It does happen! Wether we like it or not it can and does EVERY day! I can't even type this without tearing up...My life was never taken in to consideration at the age i was. I was told at 17 that i wodul never be able to have kids due to the damage that was caused and i had endometreosis. My mother kept what happened to me until she felt i was ready and i honestly think my life would have been easier if i didn't know...but then the Dr would have told me and my mother didn't want that. I don't understand the mindset of some people for doing things like this to others. I have NEVER put myself in a situation to scream abuse me and i have never been able to trust any man. And i mean ANY! People who don't experience something like this will never understand it truly. I don't leave my kids with anyone besides my mother and she has full custody of my sisters oldest child as my sister just isn't well. I trust my mother more then anyone in this world. It was pretty much me and her my whole life. My sister was a run away and actually has contact with our "father" My sister and I don't talk and we don't get a long at all...it has taken a toll on my life and i feard for my kids before they were even on this earth.

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2009

Brittany, because of your job, you are probably overly exposed to many of the worst of society. So of course, to you, it appears to be a more prevalent problem than it actually is. If you are feeling an unusual level of anxiety about it with regard to your daughter, it will eventually affect your parenting, so as long as you are aware of it, try to judge at what point you might need to back off and get some help. While it is normal to be watchful of your children, and worry about their wellbeing, it is not normal to feel anxiety or paranoia about these things.

Brittany - posted on 12/11/2009

I am around these kinds of people all day long.(part of the job). It just seems to me that its a lot more common that most people would think, there again it could be the fact that its my job to be around these people. I don't talk to her about it "oh darling all people are evil" ect ect.. I am just always within earshot. I don't feel comfortable leaving my kid with people I don't know, church staff included. Just wondering if other people feel the same.

Jodi - posted on 12/11/2009

Brittany, do you have some particular reason to suspect there is a problem, or is this just a general fear because of your past? If you are having these paranoid thoughts of your child being sexualy abused, it is probably not very healthy at all. Have you had help for your own experience?



The problem with this type of concern, is that you could become OVER-vigilant, which can also, in itself, create problems for your daughter. I would very much suggest you seek some professional help to assist you in managing your feelings so as not to transfer them to the way in which you parent your child, and to help you with the anxiety which you are obviously experiencing.