Sharing the news with someone struggling to get pregnant

Carolyne - posted on 04/15/2010

Hi Brittany,

Just be honest, she will be happy for you! I was told 12 years ago i wouldnt be able to have any more kids and my friends and family were like you, afraid to tell me when they were having a baby....my advice is this...dont be afraid to tell her...its the best news in the world to hear someone you love is having a baby. She will be happy for you....Good luck and all the best for the future....C x

Abbie - posted on 04/09/2010

Brittany, I go through this everytime someone tells me they are pregnant, my husband and I have been trying 19 months. Its hard to hear, not because we aren't happy for those that are pregnant but more of a sadness for ourselves because we aren't in your shoes. Your sister is probably very happy for you, yet just very sad for herself. She might distance herself from you, but don't let her not getting pregnant make you feel bad or avoid the joy of your pregnancy.

Brittany - posted on 04/09/2010

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my question. It has helped me immensely! I have told my sister and she did seem upset but congradulated me anyway. I can't begin to imagine how she feels. I know she needs time to process the emotions she is having and she will come around.

Corena - posted on 04/09/2010

I tried to get pregnant for 11 years and every time someone around me got pregnant it was incredibly hard on me. I truly was happy for them but it just magnified the emotional agony I was going through.
Tell her alone, tell her as soon as possible and don't be offended if she is not as "ecstatic" as you might want. Being happy for you does not necessarily lessen the pain she is feeling no matter how guilty she may feel about it. It has NOTHING to do with maturity and I, personally, would not accompany the news with reassurances that it will happen for her some day. You can't know that for sure and it will most likely just make her feel worse. Just tell her and then let her take the lead.
And Crystal is absolutely right....NEVER complain about being pregnant. That is like a kick in the privates to someone who is having difficulty conceiving and quite likely to foster bitter feelings.

Just be understanding.

Donna - posted on 04/09/2010

I would tell your sister privately instead of in front of other people. If she is mature she will be happy for you. Tell her you know how hard it is to see other people pregnant and having babies but you needed to share your news with her and that when her time comes you will be there to support her. Good luck.

Rebecca - posted on 04/09/2010

We were in the same position as your sister too. Whenever a friend told us they were pregnant, yes we did get really upset, but never ever at our friends. The emotion and pain was always "Why us?", "We want this so much too". The emotions were never about our friends - just the thought of us not being able to have those same feelings of joy and excitement. We now have two very special IVF babies (3 years apart) and yearn for one more. It still hurts when people tell us they are pregnant, but we love our friends and family dearly, and throw ourselves into their kids' lives too. Tell your sister and be there for her - acknowledge her emotions - don't try to explain them or make excuses for her.

Angie - posted on 04/09/2010

I have been in your shoes. I had children while my sister was never able to become pregnant due to her husband's hormonal problems. With the first and third children I told her. With the first one she just shrugged her shoulders and walked away. With the second I chickened out and had my parents tell her. With the third she told me that I hurt her by having another child and that she hated me and my child. I haven't really spoken to her since. On the other hand, my cousin who lost two babies (one at 17 weeks one at 24) was overjoyed every time I got pregnant and is the Godmother of my youngest child. All I can say is that you should be happy with your growing family. Be loving and honest with her when you talk to her and then give her space to decide how she feels.

Sharon - posted on 04/09/2010

9 months is nothing.



If she had been struggling for years - I'd worry more, but nine months is nothing. But be sure to tell her. don't let her find out from anyone else.

Crystal - posted on 04/09/2010

Been on your sister's side of things for 12 years! However, I do have 3 beautiful children who joined our family through adoption. People still act all weird when they tell me they are pregnant and have this fear and apprehension on their face like I might just blow my top or something if they tell me. Seriously it is your happiness why would your sister not be happy for you? I have always been very happy for my friends and family members to find out they are expecting. What a joy to be able to be awarded that priviledge. My advice to you would be always find joy in your pregnancy and don't ever complain about it. It has never bothered me that people around me are pregnant just don't complain about it. You are blessed! Congratulations and enjoy your journey to holding your little one in your arms.

Emma - posted on 04/09/2010

I had just suffered a late miscarriage when my best friend fell pregnant and she was terrified to tell me in case it would be too painful. My little boy died when i was 20 weeks pregnant and it was a harrowing time, but when my friend finally told me she was pregnant it gave me a strange hope for an uncertain future. She took me aside, quietly, and told me (by this point, she was three months gone, it did take her that long) She cried with me, but I was so happy for her that my tears were both pain and joy, if that makes sense? Also, just being able to hold a baby after the death of my own was somehow cathartic. I would say to take your sister to one side and quietly let her know your good news. Don't act guilty or as though you might be wrong to be joyful about the life you're holding within you. Ask her if she would like to be involved. Sometimes, for those of us who can't concieve, or have lost children, it soothes the soul to be able to be a 'surrogate' so to speak. Everyone is different, but ask your sister if she would like to be a part of it all, and give her the chance to be close to her new niece or nephew from the start and form a close bond.

Kelli - posted on 04/09/2010

I totally agree with Dana Shaw. I was in the same shoes. Me and my husband tried for a couple years to get pregnant with no sucess. It was so depressing. Then my sister found out that she was pregnant. She called me on the phone and told me herself. She didn't know that me and my husband were trying. I was excited for her and excited to finally be an aunt but I was so upset that it wasn't me. I cried when I hung up the phone. I wasn't mad at her at all or anything like that. Well, she had her in June 2008 and I love that little girl. I held her at the hospital and thought to myself, " Oh, I want to be a mommy." I fell pregnant in July one month later!! It's crazy.

Katherine - posted on 04/09/2010

She is your sister, hopefully she will be happy for you although it might take time. I pray that she comes around. I had a friend now ex friend who was trying to get pregnant and when i told her she was absolutely horrible to me and ended our friendship over it. Family is closer and will always be there even if it takes time to be happy for you.

Teresa - posted on 04/09/2010

I was the one who struggled to get pregnant!! I always felt bad and almost hurt that someone didn't want to share the good news with me!! But I also know where you are coming from, I had been trying for over 7 years and a friend who had the same doctor had been trying for over 2 years, when I found out I was nervous about telling her but unfortunately she found out before I could tell her but all was good!!

Renea - posted on 04/09/2010

I had the same problem! Just let her know that you are pregnant, if she reacts negatively, just reassure her that she will have a baby it's just not time for her to have one just yet. Maybe God is letting her get herself more prepared for a baby before she gets pregnant. Both of my children were unplanned and that was horrible for us. We have been trying so hard NOT to get pregnant, I am on the nuva ring and we use condoms, so if we get pregnant again God really really wants that child in the world lol. I've told my husband we need to sell our reproductive stuff (sperm and eggs) to people who can't or have a hard time getting pregnant because they'd have no problem!

Antonia Michelle - posted on 04/09/2010

my first daughter was 6wks parm and as she was my first and i was only 16yrs old in 79 they didnt really have much in the way the hospitals have to day she weight in at 4lb 50z
but because she was strong thankfully my little girl did nt need the unit the hospitals today really are brilliant i can still remember that my daughter was in dolly cloths

Carla - posted on 04/09/2010

First things first, Congratulations my new found friend. God Bless you and the the little angel growing inside of you. My advice to you would be to break it to her in a subtle manner. But always remind her that she is going to be the best aunt a baby can ever have. Encourage and love her. Keep her close to you and even though that she is having some struggles in her life that God will give her a baby when he feel that she is ready. Maybe the reason that she is not getting pregnant is because she may need to go through something in her life first before she does get pregnant. Things never happen as a coincidence,always for a reason my friend. Don't let her situation bring you down, on the contrary use your pregnancy as a learning experience for her to grow. She will experience that love that you share with your baby, and when God is ready he will bless her in the same way that he has blessed you. I will send you heart felt positive energy your way and a big hug for you your baby, your hubby and your sister. my God bless you always and keep you safe and healthy. Take care.

Carla..

Bobbi Jo - posted on 04/09/2010

I completely understand your situation. (I have 4 sisters!) I have two sisters that either were trying or were told they could probably never physically have children. One of them just had a little boy in Nov 2009 after months of specialty docs making sure her body could handle a prenancy! The other one has been trying for 6yrs(she even tried IVF) now and still no child. She had been trying for 3yrs and on every fertility drug you could think of, and my husband and I decided that we wanted to have one more child. For me getting pregnant was easy. My youngest sister had also just found out she was pregnant as well. Her and I talked it over and decided that we would both announce our pregnancies to our sisters together. Besides our husbands we wanted to make sure our other two sisters had heard it from us first. (word travels fast in our large family!) I couldn't help but notice the sadness in their eyes when we both said that we were pregnant, but they each hugged us right away and congratulated us! I'm sure after our visit they may have consoled each other but they never showed anything to us. We had felt like we were walking on eggshells everytime we had news to share but our sisters could not have been happier for us! You just need to tell her even if it is over the phone! I'm sure she will be very happy for you, and maybe sad for herself. You cannot control her emotions and god willing she'll find out soon enough that she's pregnant as well! Then you'd be able to experience your pregnancies together, and your children will be the same age!!!
On a side note after my last child I had a six month conflict with myself over whether or not to have a sterillization surgery done(I had many complications with my pregnancies and my doc said I shouldn't have anymore, I have 3 kids). I tell my sisters everything, and I had a hard time talking about making myself sterile so i wouldn't get pregnant again, when they both just wanted to get pregnant once. They were both very supportive and helped me make the decision to do what was best for my body, and get the procedure done. When about a week later I had breakdown because I knew that I would never be able to have children again they were both there to hold me and support me! I love my sisters and know that if the roles were reversed we would all be there to support each other no matter what!! Congratulations!! (now go call your sister and tell her your wonderful news!!!)

Wolfe - posted on 04/09/2010

wow its truly a tough one, me personally i had the very question you did when i found out i was pregnant with my son, i didnt want to get pregnant and wasnt in the right situation for kids so when i found out i was in total shock, the first thing to hit me though is my best friend in the world who is working really hard to have a baby, she knew my thoughts and feelings about children and vice versa so telling her the news over the phone from another state was the hardest step for me, needless to say there were a few moments of silence before she responded. she was very gracious about it and has been the best support for ever since, i feel that if you make it a private conversation even over the phone it will make it all the more thoughtful. i wish you the best of luck and congrats on your new poppet.

Karen - posted on 04/09/2010

i was also in your sister's position (almost 5 years of trying) and two of my best friends got pregnant and were scared to tell me (one of them had two pregnancies while i was still just trying for one). i say you need to go tell her yourself and you need to do it soon. the longer you wait (especially if others already know) she'll be more hurt by you not thinking you can share it with her. i know when i was told by my friends it was hard but i was sooo excited for them..my thought was if i couldn't experiance it myself right now, i could at least be a part of theirs. mind you, the green monster reared it's head a few times here and there on me and often i would find myself crying in my room but that's all a normal part of it. your sister might have the same feelings, just be there for her if she needs you (and let her know that you will be) and know that at times, it might be hard for her to be around you - especially if everyone is making a big fuss about your belly. good luck and congratulations!

Nicky - posted on 04/09/2010

I was also in your sister's position before I had my daughter and my advice is, tell her soon because she needs to hear it from you, not another family member and just be sensitive to her feelings. Your pregnancy is wonderful and it is about you all the way but make telling your sister about her. If she gets upset / angry give her love and understanding. Be aware that it is not you she is angry at exactly. She will come around.

I had a girlfriend who knew very well the struggle I was going through announce that she was "Bloody well pregnant again" that she "didn't know how she was going to cope becasue she didn't really want another one" and that "wished she didn't get pregnant so easily". Needless to say I don't speak to her anymore.

I am not for a moment saying you would be like that I am just putting my comments into perspective.

Dana - posted on 04/08/2010

A phone call is almost the same as telling her in person, and maybe easier for her, because she won't have to worry about someone else seeing her crying if she does. If you know someone she is close to, you could ask them to do something special for her or with her to make her feel better. Maybe even her husband or partner.

I'm with you, it will happen and it'll work out for the better, it alway does. Had I gotten pregnant when we originally had planned to, I probably wouldn't have a job right now, as I would have finished my maternity leave just as the GFC hit. As it happened for me, I got pregnant right at the start of the economy going into meltdown, so my company couldn't make me redundant as I was pregnant and was going on maternity leave anyway (we get 12 months in Australia, unpaid). Another bonus, we were down one income for a year just when interest rates were at their lowest, so reduced mortgage payments at the perfect time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that things will work out for the best in the end, and she'll be all the happier when she does get pregnant. That baby will be treasured even more :-)

Brittany - posted on 04/08/2010

Thanks! I just know how badly she wants a baby and I wish I could tell her in person but I live 900 miles away. I know it will happen for her when the time is right and hopefully soon!

Dana - posted on 04/08/2010

I was in your sister's shoes about 2 years ago, just thought I'd share that perspective. I had been trying to get pregnant for about 16 months when a good friend of mine announced she was pregnant. I actually cried when I found out, not because I didn't want her to be pregnant, but because I was so envious.

So, the way I see it, I guess the only thing you can do is not to make a big deal over it. Maybe don't announce it grandly in front of the whole family, break it to her privately first, so if she does get upset, she doesn't have to worry about putting on a brave face (assuming she can cry on your shoulder). You could tell her you know it's probably upsetting for her, and maybe the "baby vibes" will rub off on her :-)

What really helped me at the time my friend got pregnant, was another good friend of mine let me have good cry on her shoulder and then took me to a girly day at a day spa, so just pampering and relaxing, it really helped me relax and take my mind off the getting pregnant routine. And guess what? Two months later I found myself pregnant :-) Maybe you could organise something like that for your sister or something else she loves.

Jane - posted on 04/08/2010

just tell her. acknowledge that you're a little nervous. her happiness for you is separate from her struggles. congratulations!