She hates her daddy...help us

Sharon - posted on 08/29/2009

First off relax. I went through this exact problem with my daugther minus the speaking portions. My husband is either at work or on his computer playing video games so my daughter learned early on that she would alway come in 2nd to him. Before we had a babysitter he would watch her during the day and I would during the night because he worked nights. So he would put her in her bouncy and only "play" with her for feeding times or if she got too fussy.



What I did was simply sit down on the floor with both of them and start the playtime. Then when she was distracted I would sneak off to do something else. If I heard her crying for me I would wait so that daddy had a chance to calm her down. When it got to the point of hysterics I would go and calm her down then say: "Daddy's here to play with you and yes I know you want mommy but daddy feels left out." Restart the cycle again....start playtime, leave when distracted, etc. It took a few months before she was really ready for daddy to play with her while mommy was doing something. Oh, I also took the opportunity to leave the house. Took the dog for a walk, etc. so that it forced her to see that mommy couldn't be there all the time. I even had daddy pick her up from the babysitter or daycare for me even if I had the time to do it. Now that she's getting older she realizes that she's not 2nd place to daddy and she also knows when she can or can't play with him.

Melanie - posted on 08/28/2009

Dear Shandy,
My own opinion is that in a sense it is natural for a kid to cling to one parent or another especially the one who is most readily available. When my son was a baby and a toddler my husband and I ran an eco-tourism business. He was with us but we were usually working. My husband was much better at putting time aside for him, while I tended to be either working or too tired. The natural result was he adored his father, and i was merely the Mommy-bottle, I knew he loved me but time with his father was more active and more enjoyable. About a year and a half ago we decided we had had enough, our kids (of which we now have 2) were growing up without us so we changed our life style and jobs. The result has been that i have taken a job with less hours that allows me to see the kids more and he has a very stressful job with less contact with the kids. The roles have been reversed, my son clings to me and constantly fights with his father. But we have just gotten back from a holiday togther and it was very clear that he still adores his father.
What I suspect is that it is the fact that he cannot depend on that time together that has created the tension. Maybe your daughter feels neglected and that her father does not love her because he does not spend much time with her, by rejecting him she protects herself against those feeling of being rejection. Remember these are very complicated emotions and emotions that even adults have a hard time coping with. She is just a very little person who cannot understand the complexity of her feelings. What you need is to create opportunities for them to be together and ensure her that that time is hers and daddy's when they can do special things together and have fun.
I also suspect that because of her rejection of him he is getting more and more anxious about each encounter, which again she pics up on she may not understand why he is so stressed about being with her just the emotion it self, so he needs to calm himself and not try too hard. Kids hardly ever mean the things they say, they need parents to be the adults in the relationship and give them the understanding and time they need to grow through it all.

Shandy - posted on 08/28/2009

Quoting Stefanie:

I disagree with the others. I'm a sahm as well and none of my children have ever done this. My middle child went through a phase where she got a little possessive of me and didn't want daddy to hug me or hold my hand but I think that was due to her nursing still (pretty common for a short period). I think to a point that type of behavior is natural. What concerns me about your situation is that she tells daddy she doesn't love him. That's not natural and children usually learn that type of behavior from either seeing it or being told it. Normally, children who don't respect one parent learn to treat them that way by seeing others, usually the spouse, treat them that way. So make sure you are always speaking respectfully and lovingly to your husband as well as about your husband to others and never ever fight in front of your child. This doesn't sound like a preference issue but a respect issue and at 2 yrs old you can guarantee she's learning this behavior from someone. Either limit that persons interaction with her or that person needs to change their attitude. Do that and you'll find a dramatic improvement.
Also, when your husband disciplines her back him up. If she calls for you I gather that you run to her rescue as soon as daddy upsets her and you can NOT do this. You must back your husband and tell your child to obey daddy and to respect him and that you will uphold his authority always. If you don't she will divide and conquer just like she is doing. Even if you think he's being too harsh. Back him and talk to him in private later.

We never fight or use the hate word around her. On the other hand she has been hanging around a cousin that well lets just say she does NO WRONG and NEVER gets in trouble! If we are around her I get to do it because her ( the cousin) daddy wont.  and I do back him up 100% when our daughter acts like this. I tell her its wrong and talk to her about it, me and her dad together as a team.  Thanks for your help!

Andrea - posted on 08/27/2009

You know what is is soooooooooooooooo normal for kids to do that my daughter did it for about six months and it really upset my husbane but with a little persistance on his part they love to spend time together. What we did was I gave him something to do that myself and Ella did together that she enjoyed for us it was bathing and book time before she went to bed first of we did it together with dad in the room then dad read the book and I bathed her and then he did both with me in the room and no her dose it all with out me and the have a ball together it's only something small but it's FUN for both of them. It did take time but give it a go whats there to lose just pick something he can do every day that is fun.

Stefanie - posted on 08/27/2009

I disagree with the others. I'm a sahm as well and none of my children have ever done this. My middle child went through a phase where she got a little possessive of me and didn't want daddy to hug me or hold my hand but I think that was due to her nursing still (pretty common for a short period). I think to a point that type of behavior is natural. What concerns me about your situation is that she tells daddy she doesn't love him. That's not natural and children usually learn that type of behavior from either seeing it or being told it. Normally, children who don't respect one parent learn to treat them that way by seeing others, usually the spouse, treat them that way. So make sure you are always speaking respectfully and lovingly to your husband as well as about your husband to others and never ever fight in front of your child. This doesn't sound like a preference issue but a respect issue and at 2 yrs old you can guarantee she's learning this behavior from someone. Either limit that persons interaction with her or that person needs to change their attitude. Do that and you'll find a dramatic improvement.
Also, when your husband disciplines her back him up. If she calls for you I gather that you run to her rescue as soon as daddy upsets her and you can NOT do this. You must back your husband and tell your child to obey daddy and to respect him and that you will uphold his authority always. If you don't she will divide and conquer just like she is doing. Even if you think he's being too harsh. Back him and talk to him in private later.

Kylie - posted on 08/27/2009

My daughter went though this at age at 2 as well! she's 4 and now it's the other way around.. Daddy is the best and she loves and wants him to help her all the time. Hate is a very strong word i wouldn't use it around her or her daddy. I'd suggest you hug and tell your hubby you love him in front of her, talk about daddy when hes at work and prepare your daughter for when he gets home. Go to the park as a family on the weekends and let him take the lead with play. If she doesn't want him..don't freak out..reassure your husband that this stage passes. She loves him she just loves and needs you more at this age.

Laura - posted on 08/27/2009

It's normal and she will grow out of it. She is attached to you because she is always with you. If you suddenly had to leave her and your husband was with her all the time it would probably take about 2 days for her to get over it. Try leaving her for the weekend with him. It will be hard for both of them, but I bet by the end of it she will have adapted to him. She will grow out of this stage, I promise you.

Shandy - posted on 08/27/2009

Thanks! I will let him know, I know if it were the other way around all I would get done was crying. Thanks again ladies

Christina - posted on 08/27/2009

you said the magic words....your a stay at home mom. i am as well and i have 4 kids. all of which act the same way. my 13 yr old is still like that. lol. my husband is a wonderful father but they will walk right past him like he is not even there. it drives him crazy but you just have to reassure him that its only because you have so much more time to spend with your daughter that its become what she is used to. something that i implimented to help my husband bond with my kids is i have him take them to do things without me....it has helped them create a better bond and sure does help me get a little of that alone time that i never get being a stay at home mom.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 08/27/2009

I've read that most kids go through this stage. They have a preference for one parent over the other. She doesn't know that she's hurting him or you and she doesn't really hate him...she's too young to know what any of that means. Since you stay at home with her it's natural that she would prefer you. Make sure he knows that this is just a phase and it will pass. It's great that he tries to spend time with her and he should keep doing that. She'll come around.