Should I allow my 17 year old daughter's boyfriend to spend the night?

Liz - posted on 05/31/2012

@ Kellie, I wasn't directing my post toward you. I have read enough posts (not necessarily on this thread) that minimalize marriage into "a piece of paper." It is much more than that! I realize we all have different opinions and beliefs.

Kellie - posted on 05/30/2012

Marva, ur right it is a direct response of how I was brought up. That being said isn't ur opinion the same? I was under the impression that the point of this was to share opinions and experiences to help a mother make a choice with as much info and experiences as possible. In 1 post u talk about respecting others points of view, yet in another post u do the total opposite, and decide that mine isn't valid due to my upbringing? I could say the same for yours. Just because it's the way u were raised or u believe, doesn't make it right for every one... Practice wat u preach. Please.

And Kathy I find ur comment calling some mother's daughters sluts to be extremely offensive! How dare u! U don't know these girls and u have no right! This is not constructive in any way, it's insulting and has no place here!

And Liz while I understand that ur faith holds marriage as an important and essentially spiritual institution, my comment was in reference to another post where someone insinuated that mine, and other nonbelievers relationships were somehow less than those who have chosen to get married. I very clearly stated if this is wat works for u then that's fantastic for u. If u have faith and this is how u choose to live, once again fantastic and congratulations. Those of us min do not follow ur faith and don't see things in the same way should NOT have their relationships marginalized and be told they are somewhat less validated because we share different views

Gwynn - posted on 05/30/2012

Why?! Are you THAT rip-roarin' to have grandkids?

Carolyn - posted on 05/30/2012

NO, NO ,NO not under your roof, have rules in your own home and stick to it, next he will want to move in. Don't start it ever!!!

Marilyn - posted on 05/29/2012

Good job mom!! Keep teaching that way. We have too many girls having sex younger and younger because social pressures are encouraging this. Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Marilyn - posted on 05/29/2012

I don't think you should do the overnight thing. It sends mix messages to both young people. It could open a whole can of worms that should be left unopened!!

Liz - posted on 05/25/2012

I was reading some of the earlier posts, and it really bothers me that I am apparently "teaching my children a line of crap" by teaching them to save sex for marriage. What, exactly, is wrong with wanting that for my children? And, being married is NOT just having a piece of paper. It is a covenant between your husband and God, and a public expression of love for another person for the rest of your life.

Kathy - posted on 05/25/2012

You moms letting your daughters sleep around, keep the little sluts away from my sons! You say, "they are going to have sex anyway". Only if you give them permission. That means not teaching them proper respect for themselves. But then again, what do I know? I managed to date my husband for seven years before having sex with him on our wedding night. Was it easy? No, but it was the right thing to do. Neither of us regret it.

You are letting your CHILDREN behave like little adults. I see the way these girls dress at the malls...boobs hanging out, shorts/skirts too tight...they look like they've seen their way around a pole or two. And it's the MOTHERS buying them this crap. Of COURSE the boys are going to look at them and have ideas they have no business having.

I'm sickened that the father in this case has no problem whoring his daughter out.

Cheri - posted on 05/25/2012

I wouldn't allow this. There is no way they aren't going to be sneaking around. I agree with other posters...allowing her boyfriend to sleep over sends the wrong message. Yes they're probably sleeping together already but I find it incredibly inappropriate and disrespectful for her to be doing that in your house ESPECIALLY with your 15 year old daughter around.

Kathy - posted on 05/24/2012

Oh HELL no! If he lives in another town, there is such a thing as a Holiday Inn he can stay at. Seventeen is too young for the boyfriends to be spending the night. What are you thinking? Your husband needs to be smacked upside the head.

Debbie - posted on 05/24/2012

LOL, Girl, he'll sneak in her room while your sleeping. Everyone knows that.. Stick to your standards.. As for your husband agreeing to that. hes just giving up on her.. Don't you..Mom knows best ok.. Good Luck... Debbie

Marva - posted on 05/22/2012

Brilliant Elizabeth, Kelli ur response is directly a result of how u were raised, again because it is ok for one individual and i say so with reserve, does not make it ok for universal practice

Angela - posted on 05/22/2012

maybe for the 17 year old but not the 15 year old. I would never let my girls stay at a boys house! Sounds sexist. you should deff tell them the ground rules. Let them stay up and watch a movie with supervision of some mature matter. You should encourage having a tight trustworthy relationship with her. she's clearly open with you. and the more you know the better you want to be in her circle also

Hope - posted on 05/22/2012

Absolutely, positively, unequivocally, NO. And that IUD will not protect her from STD's.

Marva - posted on 05/20/2012

I am reading the comments of so many of u and i am wondering now if this forum is for giving ur own views on sexuality or giving genuine advice and supporting mothers in their concerns for their children and other issues. My advice to u is read between the lines listen to people and always begin by respecting their views. If u did so u would see that this mother has given us perspective on her feeling in the matter and feels forced by her spouse and children to go against what she thinks to be right, or her own principle. This was neither a discussion on sex within marriage or what age is acceptable to have sex. There are so many misguided issues here that it would take a book and much research analysis to answer, but i will conclude by saying that because an individual make a life choice does not make it right, even for that individual. I say so cause many who grow to know different, have re-evaluated their life and seen the problems it caused. And as for the insult posted for a concerned mother, It is not only childish and ignorant, but how do u expect any one to take advice from u with such an attitude.
To the mother who posted the question, support and love your children and do what u feel in your own heart to be true, they will love and respect u in time and only u have to sleep at night with the disappointment and self loathing if u don't.

Irene - posted on 05/16/2012

NOPE....tell him to go to his own house to sleep...

Michelle - posted on 05/15/2012

I think he should be able to.
As long as he's not in her bed, what's the harm?
You and your husband will be there.
She is afterall seventeen.
Your fifteen year old needs to nunderstand the differce between her and her sister.
But truthfully, I don't see the problem with it.

my daughters boyfrind stayed the night last weekend, she's fifteen and he's seventeen, he slept in the living room and her in her room.

Deborah - posted on 05/14/2012

H...... No! He can spend the night at her apartment where she pays the rent.

Sally - posted on 05/14/2012

Your post was not in any way helpful. Calling some stupid is not an answer its an insult.

Dove - posted on 05/14/2012

Especially considering you bumped up a post that hadn't been commented on in 3 days JUST to call someone stupid. That's classy.

Dove - posted on 05/14/2012

Calling someone stupid doesn't answer the question. Just makes you look rude.

User - posted on 05/14/2012

Why do people get upset when they ask a question, and get an honest answer.

Sally - posted on 05/14/2012

@ Brown, i know its ever but to be honest i thought i would put as much thought in to my post as you did in yours. So i didn't bother editing

User - posted on 05/14/2012

Keep reading it gets better, and the word is ever not every read.

Sally - posted on 05/13/2012

@ Brown, thats the most helpful, constructive post I have every read.well done.

Shabnam - posted on 05/11/2012

its better to sit down in polite way and tell her wat you really feel about it and wat will happen if she does the thing which is not good for her...dear calm down everything will be okay...and that age is very dangerous because a girl feels as princess on whatever she wants to do she thinks that its right for her...all the best

Sally - posted on 05/11/2012

@Jessica. No i don't want to watch my kids have sex. I find that very offensive. This is not about her having sex ,this is about a sleep over. Where does it say the daughter wanted to sleep with him. So yes this is about trust and i believe in trusting my children until they prove me wrong. I trust in the fact that i have brought my children to respect my home and wishes . So i trust them to follow the rules.

Danielle - posted on 05/11/2012

Ok, I'm going to speak up because I was a teen mom. I got pregnant because of lack of education on the subject and I got pregnant outside of my home while my parents had no idea that I was sexually active. So the notion that allowing the boyfriend to spend the night is encouraging a teen pregnancy is STUPID.

An IUD for a teen is a BAD idea. As a pp mentioned, it irritates the lining of the uterus and this can cause issues during maturity. There is also a risk of perforation. Not to mention the fact that IUD's absolutely do not protect against STD's so for any teen, the best birth control will always be condoms.

Give the girl a PROPER education (ovulation, real statistics of the risk of pregnancy and std's and real knowledge on how to avoid pregnancy. Make sure she knows what is really safe and what isn't) and if she is a level headed girl, she'll take that education and put it to good use to effectively prevent a pregnancy.

As for whether or not he should spend the night, that is a personal choice but my husband moved in my parents house when he was 17 (extenuating circumstances). We had sex as teens and we were very much in love. We've been together for 9 years but only got legally married just last year. You can have love without marriage and teens are also perfectly capable of knowing what they want so the notion that all teen's are having sex merely to fit in is just offensive.

Do what you want as far as the sleepover but you are doing your daughter and her body a HUGE disservice by treating sex like it's dirty and degrading and by not equipping her with a good education and age appropriate birth control.

Personally, I only have boys but hubby and I have already discussed co-ed sleep overs and we will allow it. Not only will we allow it but our children will be properly educated and aware of exactly what I went through as a teen mom so that they know we discourage it. They will be told that we won't condone teenage sex in our home but we believe in trusting them until they give us a reason not to.

I'm sorry if that sounds very harsh but my getting pregnant at 15 had absolutely nothing to do with the morals my parents taught (they preached no sex before marriage), or whether or not my boyfriend was allowed to spend the night (because at that point, I was not allowed to have co-ed sleepovers). It had everything to do with lack of proper sex ed and I will always maintain that proper education is the key to preventing teen pregnancy. Always.

Kellie - posted on 05/10/2012

u would be right in saying that its the lack of respect that i don't understand, as i don't see asking this as a lack of respect. Maybe its just a difference in the way i was raised. Maybe its where i was raised, i don't know. Amongst my schooling peers, family, and community i have lived in, a bf sleeping over was a question of when it was allowed, not if... Maybe its a cultural thing who knows. In Australia, as soon as a child turns 18 they are an adult in every sense of the word. U can drink, smoke, vote, own property, rent property, sign legal documents etc etc... Our children don't finish high school and go off to collage. We don't have collage... U either get a full time job, or if u have the marks, enroll in university, and still work, while u study, and pay sent or board at mum and dad's place. Some kids are lucky and mum and dad don't make them pay... They are expected to act like adults in society as soon as they turn 18. Maybe thats why at 17 we see not so much a child, but almost an adult who in a few short months will have full responsibility of themselves. Almost every1 i know by 18 had bf's or gf's spending the nite. Usually in their bedroom... Its more a right of passage than a taboo idea... Its the norm... The issue i see is trust.... Not disrespect. Disrespect would be breaking the trust and the rules. If she does that, then pull the sleep overs

Sandra - posted on 05/09/2012

What is the world coming to when you even have to think about this question? The answer should be NO from the start. Tell her why and that should be that. They will hit you with the "you don't trust me" whenever you disagree to something having to do with the opposite sex. I don't care if they don't do anything, it opens the door to, too many possibilities. The thought of this has my mind boggled. This is the reason kids are the way they are today. No boundaries are being set and sleepovers are to be with the same sex and not opposites (then again...not so sure these days about that). And why is there stress over this? And why is the father of all people pushing for this? This does not sound right to me. NO!!!!

Jessica - posted on 05/09/2012

Why on earth in order to trust our kids then let them have sleep over. Umm that is not trust. It's not about trusting them. It's about the lack of respect. If those moms that are OK having their daughter's bf sleep over I guess you want your daughter to have sex in front of you. It's the lack of respect you don't understand. I would never feel comfortable sleeping in my mom's house with my bf. Still to this day never did and neither my sister. My sister smokes cigg and still to this day she never smoked in front of my mom. She knows my mom don't like her smoking so she never smoked in front of my mom. She respects my mom. I guess it's OK bringing the bf straight to the room if you trust your daughter so much. Like my mom always tells me every house has their rules and even if I take my mom in my own home she has to follow my rules in my home even though she is an adult. When I didn't like my mom's rule she used to tell me when you pay for your own things and rent then you could do whatever you want. So when I started working I did and got what I wanted without asking her. Now I;m so used to getting my own things that it would be hard to ask her for money.

Sarah - posted on 05/09/2012

if u want grandkids already sure. if u dont then no. but then she could sneak out .

Shannon - posted on 05/09/2012

I say NO!!!! Your house your rules. I am almost fourty and would NEVER have even brought the subject up to my mother, out of shear respect. She would have not even considered it if i did. I would have gottena a very quick H NO!!! Tell her is she wants to make her own rules then move out. She won't. I have a six year old and she better never ask me that question, she will get the same answer I would have gotten. And all you moms talking about respect, I respect my child, and I hope she will respect me enough not to put me in that situation.

Sarah - posted on 05/08/2012

NO! Your house. Your rules. Your bills. Your grandkid... the safest sex is no sex. And it would be hyprocritcal if you said yes. Don't let your kids run your life. You put your foot down tell them no means no and if they don't like it then they can go put on there big girl panties and get a job and move out. You love them too much to contribute to their mistakes.

Stifler's - posted on 05/08/2012

I agree with Sally give them a bit of trust and if they stuff up then no more sleepovers. You KNOW she is sexually active already, so what's the big deal. if you say they have to sleep in separate rooms then how is him sleeping at your house condoning their sexual activities.

Erica - posted on 05/08/2012

Hello Laura,
I'am 19 years old and my son Adrian is going to be 3 this month on the 26Th.
Yes I'am a teen mother, I got pregnant when I was 15 years old. My mother would always say that my boyfriend couldn't stay the night or wouldn't let me stay the night at his house, only guy friends. so I would usually lie and say he was my friend, until she found out and got really upset. Then I was pregnant, but anyways what I'm getting at here is that I think it would be okay from him to stay the night but yes sleep on the couch and don't let them be alone together, maybe leave her bedroom door open while they are in the room together. Also try not to smother her!! You really do not want her to get mad at you for saying no because then she just might lie to you and go stay the night at his house and just say she is staying at a girlfriends, and you do not know if his parents do allow them to sleep in the same room or not. As for you 15 year old daughter, maybe allow the same thing, let the guy friend sleep on the couch and not in her room, even if there friends you don't know if they have a crush on each other or something. You said your 17 year old has an IUD, as do I. They do work good but there not 100% . Try to set some rules and talk to your girls, let them know that you don't want them to be teen parents at that age, like I said I was a teen mother and it is a lot of work to be a parent, there not ready for that yet, its a lot of responsibility. I'm so grateful for my child because he directed me to the right path but I had a lot to deal with at such a young age. I wish you and your family the best! Hopefully everything works out, GOOD LUCK (:

Amanda - posted on 05/08/2012

it makes me wonder what sort of children they're raising. I mean, people cant even trust their own children at all? Thats their fault. Not the child..

Tabitha - posted on 05/08/2012

Op didn't really clarify if the daughter talked to her upfront about becoming sexually active or if she found out some how. I get what your saying. I understand a need to prove that she will respect the rules. But without a valid reason as to why this boy would feel the need to stay the night, I would still have to say no. If they're respecting the rules, they won't really get any extra time together. Unless he lives in another town or something, what would be the point? I also still think it sends the wrong message to the younger daughter.

Sally - posted on 05/08/2012

I don't think your getting me at all. Yes i know my child or I should say my young adult is having sex, am i comfortable with it in my house No. Well not unless they have been to-gether for a while. Do i think this girl deserves to prove she will respect the rules , Yes. Shes been open with mum hence BC(kudos mum).

Jen - posted on 05/08/2012

Have you had a serious discussion with her about her ability to control her urges? Sounds like your fear of pregnancy swayed you to choose an IUD. What about teaching "wise choices" and then TRUSTING her to be responsible. Supplying her with condoms and teaching her that she should not have sex with a boy that REFUSES to wear one is the best choice. Explain that a boy who refuses is being led by his pride and not his common sense. Lambskin condoms are the best for protection while allowing the sensations of sex to be better than with a latex condom.

There are many answers better than ruining her uterus with an IUD! To me that is the LAZY choice and most destructive to her body! PLEASE reconsider that choice! ------------
----------------------------
The part about it ruining her body is nonsense and not supported by any actual science. Plus if you think lambskin condoms are best for preventing disease, you are again utterly wrong. They are permeable to a degree that silicone and latex choices are not.

And it's not lazy and you're making a broad assumption that she hasn't had the condoms prevent disease talk.

Jen - posted on 05/08/2012

THAT is the problem.. They don't want to do it.. Every teenager is a scared little kid screaming" I want to fit in!! What can I do to fit in?? Sombody love me! Make me feel special!!!"
Can't you guys reach back to your teen year and think seriously..
----
Elizabeth, I know this may be a surprise but I've always very much enjoyed sexual relations from the time I started. So yes, I did want to do it. I wanted to enjoy it. I loved the intimacy and the orgasms. But I was not and am not immoral. And yes, some of the boys loved me and some didn't. But I didn't love all of them either. I'm still not immoral or degraded.

it's all in choice.

Tabitha - posted on 05/08/2012

I just think it gives the impression of "Oh well, what's done is done, let's just let em do it." Not to mention the message that it's sending to the younger daughter. If I have sex, I can start having my boyfriend stay the night.

And yes, teenagers are sneaky sex mad people. Their hormones are still going crazy from puberty and growing. They're still experimenting with their bodies. They didn't have sex in front of their parents or with their parents permission so obviously, they were sneaking around for that. I guess if their plan isn't to sneak and have sex while he sleeps over, what is the reason they are giving in making the request? To spend more time together? Not if they're sleepin in separate rooms as the parents requested. They can spend the same amount of time together by allowing him to stay a little later then he can come back over in the morning.

Sally - posted on 05/08/2012

Oh im not going to pretend my kids are holier than thou. Their not. The only one that broke my sleep over rules was my middle son with the girl he is now due to marry, he was 19 she was 20 and had the implant, i know this because my son talked to me about it and went with her to have it done. I can assure you it never happened again cos she didn't stay again. My point being is the op knows her daughter can't get preg, so why not take a chance and trust your kids. If the mess up,no 2nd chances. I really don't think people give their child the credit of knowing whats right and wrong. You all have them down as sneaky sex mad people. I have helped all my children with bc and i have no unwanted babies Give your kids the benefit of the doubt and im not talking 14/15 but this girl is 17 time to trust

Tabitha - posted on 05/08/2012

Sally, ask your adult children if they've ever done something that they knew was against your rules or values, if they answer no...they're lyin. Then ask yourself if you've done a good job since your kids broke the rules then lied bout it. Don't judge other parents just because they're taking a different approach than you are.

You guys go ahead and let your daughter's bf stay the night, if you don't mind them having sex in the next room. They're already having sex, who's values are they living by with those actions? Doesn't that already prove that they've been untrustworthy? For my household, the answer would be no. In fact, I doubt mine would even ask as they already know the expectation in that area. They would probably be questioning what type of girl they're dating if she had parents that allowed boys to sleep over. When they're adults and live on their own, they can choose who stays the night but as long as I'm payin the bills, they're sleepin alone.

If there ever was a circumstance where a gf/bf needed to stay the night(an emergency or parents out of town), My pallet would be right next to their bed, if I slept at all. I realize that most teenagers are going to lose their virginity before becoming adults, but there's no way I'm going to facilitate it or allow it to happen in my home.

I'm still tryin to figure out why Dad is pressuring for this to happen, someone please explain his motive behind it. Does no one else find this a bit disturbing?

Sally - posted on 05/08/2012

It makes me laugh. All the mums banging on about values etc. You can't be doing a good job if you can't trust your child to live by your values and respect your rules.

SHEREE - posted on 05/08/2012

I cannot believe that most of the post don't even look at the father pushing the issue about this sleep over I am very bothered by that very.... Im not even concerned about the horny teenage boy .... Please he is going to do that first chance he get I'm sorry they don't mean no harm but if u put in position they gon try .... Mother of 4boys 24,19,18,12..... Raised them to respect women and they are excellent sons but they love ..... Thank you!!!!! Reality check.... Let them move in their own house.... Yes their going to do it ... But I'm not going to pimp you out..... And your not at my house.. its time for some old fashion values.... Have anyone noticed how our of control these.kids have gotten .... Nothing makes me cringe more than to hear a child yelling and talking back to their parents.... They will leave home u can training or the world will and when its finished ..,if u don't u will wish u had

Jenny - posted on 05/08/2012

No teepee hopping until you own your own teepee is our family advice! Following the logic of she's sexually active, if she already had her first drink would you buy her a case of beer? If she's already tried drugs would you purchase her a bag of weed? IUD or otherwise, logic dictates - under your own roof do what you choose, under mine it's my rules! Good luck - we have a 14 year old and our fun hasn't even started yet!

Missie - posted on 05/08/2012

Are you crazy? He will be on the couch until everyone is asleep. The word is 'no' with no more discussion about it. I explained to my sons that they are free to make their own decisions when they do not live in my house.

Lucille - posted on 05/08/2012

Good job getting an UDI fitted it's not that you don't trust her but better safe than sorry, wether you let him stay or not either way they will spend time to gether, go with your gut feeling . Good Luck

Kellie - posted on 05/08/2012

i agree with u sally.... How do we expect our children to grow into well adjusted, trustworthy, responsible adults without giving them the opportunity to grow and mature... Children will not be able to think, plan and make decisions responsibly unless they are shown how. Practice is a better way of learning than theory...