Should i allow my husband to go to a strip club?

Bronwen - posted on 07/13/2009

Cheated on you??? What the hell are you still doing there then???

Bronwen - posted on 07/13/2009

ALLOW him?? He's a grown man and you're not his mother! Strip clubs are not demoralizing to women... the women who work there are mostly proud of their bodies and quite happy to show them off, and of course the money is good. If I had the body, I'd do it as well :P. When will women learn that they are not their husband's owner? Have NONE of them ever heard the phrase "if you love something, set it free...". The more you cling and tell a man he's not allowed to do something, the more he will WANT to do it, and if doing it means going behind your back then he will do just that. Trust and communication are the most important things in a relationship. If you can trust each other then you have nothing to fear. Hell, why not do some pole dancing lessons (once you've had the baby of course!!) and treat him!? He'll LOVE you for it!!

Bronwen - posted on 07/13/2009

ALLOW him?? He's a grown man and you're not his mother! Strip clubs are not demoralizing to women... the women who work there are mostly proud of their bodies and quite happy to show them off, and of course the money is good. If I had the body, I'd do it as well :P. When will women learn that they are not their husband's owner? Have NONE of them ever heard the phrase "if you love something, set it free...". The more you cling and tell a man he's not allowed to do something, the more he will WANT to do it, and if doing it means going behind your back then he will do just that. Trust and communication are the most important things in a relationship. If you can trust each other then you have nothing to fear. Hell, why not do some pole dancing lessons (once you've had the baby of course!!) and treat him!? He'll LOVE you for it!!

Liz - posted on 07/13/2009

Wow, this is a surprisingly hot discussion!

I, for one, have never been a fan of the strip clubs. They are dirty, nasty places that usually attract the lower level of humanity. I don't care how much I trust my boyfriend, husband, spouse, lover, whatever, there is just something inherently wrong with him/her allowing some naked, glittery, perfumed woman dance and gyrate and rub herself all over him. Granted, in most strip clubs, the men are not allowed to touch the strippers, but they are BEING touched by the strippers and that is the exact same thing in my book. They are allowing themselves the pleasure of another naked woman. That pleasure should ONLY be yours. I once went with my ex-fiance to a strip club on his birthday with his friends. They bought him a lap dance, and I will forever have that image of him being danced on and looking at her etched in my memory. That is me going WITH him and knowing exactly what is happening. I think its harder not to know exactly what went down, that being said, it was sooo hard to know and watch! Again, those places disgust me, and so do the people who frequent them.

That being beside the point, there is no telling him no. He will do it if he wants. The only thing you can do is explain to him your exact feelings and hope that he makes the right choice. That isn't including the cheating. The cheating would be a whole different story. I would do everything in my power to make him see how awful it would be for him to go to the strip club. There is already a level of mistrust that just comes from being cheated on and it will always be there, but adding that strip club into the mix would only intensify those feelings. Somebody on here suggested spending that money on a counselor instead of the strip club. Suggest that to him and see what he says. I would say if he unreceptive to your feelings and suggestions then you might need to start rethining your marriage and relationship.

Lakia - posted on 07/13/2009

Why not? Guys need guy time. We need our girls night out every once in a while too. I have gone with my hubby to a strip club before and we had a blast!

Lakia - posted on 07/13/2009

Why not? Guys need guy time. We need our girls night out every once in a while too. I have gone with my hubby to a strip club before and we had a blast!

Syndi - posted on 07/13/2009

No. Strip clubs and porn are demoralizing to women. He should show you respect by loving you with his heart, soul and body. He should learn to control his actions and leave sexuality to the two of you!

Melissa - posted on 07/13/2009

I wouldn't let him go....he needs to realize that putting himself in certain situations can open the doors to cheating. When there is an opportunity and alcohol involved something usually always happens weather you mean to or not. I agree with Penny Mitchell and think you should pray but you two should prayer together. Prayer with more than one person is much more powerful!! I have worked in a strip club and i know what goes on there....its not pretty!! I think being in that environment can open your heart to evil, evil thoughts, temptation and lust. I know one thing is for you sure you cant change someone who doesn't want to change but honesty in the best way to break any kind of addiction. i hope this helps....good luck and God bless!! :)

Missy - posted on 07/13/2009

Cami, I really don't see anything wrong with it. If there is trust in a marriage, then no need to worry. My husband has gone a few times, and I never really cared... however--kind of confused--is it your hubby that had the wild lifestyle?? If so, hopefully, he has changed his ways and is now a responsible father. The decision needs to be between you and him, and maybe the two of you can come to an agreement--like a night out with the girls for you--the male strip clubs are fun too!!! Best of luck!!

Missy - posted on 07/13/2009

Cami, I really don't see anything wrong with it. If there is trust in a marriage, then no need to worry. My husband has gone a few times, and I never really cared... however--kind of confused--is it your hubby that had the wild lifestyle?? If so, hopefully, he has changed his ways and is now a responsible father. The decision needs to be between you and him, and maybe the two of you can come to an agreement--like a night out with the girls for you--the male strip clubs are fun too!!! Best of luck!!

Yulia - posted on 07/13/2009

Its up to you and how you feel ! i was a stripper for 2 years and all the guys i danced for would enjoy having a dance but it was nothing compared to their wives and gfs at home and they would always talk about how much they love there other halves! its just a form of entertainment , but if u feel unhappy about it tell him !

Arwen - posted on 07/13/2009

You cannot "allow" your husband anything....being husband and wife is a partnership, you are not in athority and neither is he.....

That said.... of course you should "allow" him to go..... I highly doubt that he is gonna get into too much trouble and if he is gonna than it don't have to be a strip club it'll happen anywhere.... you must trust him or you wouldn't have a child and one on the way with him........ let him have at er without worry on your part... going to a strip club is just allot of fun.....being told you cant is just maddening.... ps if you tell him he is not allowed what do you think he will think about your trust in him?

Amanda - posted on 07/13/2009

wow. i must say that i am surprised by all the responses. in my opinion it all depends on the man...my first reaction is why would a married man want to go to a strip club for? ive only been married for a year and a half, but my hubby and i have learned a lot together. i dont agree with the ppl who say men are like children, they only want what they cant have. but i do think that men are curious, who isnt? my hubby looked at porn for a long time b4 we got married, but he quit when we got engaged, because he wanted god to bless our relationship and marriage. he has confessed a couple of times that he has been tempted to look at it again, although to my knowledge he hasnt. i recently read a book called "Loving your man without losing your mind" and it was quite an eye opener. the reason i bring this up is because in the book was a part where the woman states that as adults you need to be very open with each other. one way to keep urself from cheating is to make sure that u have accountability. have ur man pick one good friend that will keep him accountable. if he wants to go to a strip club, let him go, but have him take his friend along. his friends job is to make sure that he sticks by him. nothing is going to happen if there are 2 guys in the room, right? unless hes into that sort of thing. but to make things fair, u should also pick one friend to do the same for u. not that u have cheated or might cheat, but anything can happen and u dont have to be in a strip club for it to happen. just knowing that someone else that u trust is with him and will report any bad behavior will allow u to trust him and let him go enjoy himself. the biggest issue here is not a matter of letting him go or keeping him home, its a matter of trust and hurt on ur part. i know that i would be terribly hurt if my hubby cheated on me. but that goes both ways. and i also know that sometimes its hard for him to understand me and that makes him want to look for comfort in other places. maybe u should talk and try to get to the bottom of why exactly he wants to go. if its a matter of hes curious than let him go with a friend. if its because hes confused and wants a distraction, try to figure out why hes confused or whatever, and fix the real problem.

Holly - posted on 07/13/2009

I would say you can't "allow", or not allow your husband to do anything. I tell my husband if something he wants to do bothers me and I expect him to respect that. In the end, we are both adults and we both make decisions about our own lives (we're not attached at the hip after all!), but if I'm doing something he doesn't feel comfortable with (i.e. going to a male strip club) I would stop. It's about what he wants to do in the end. If he wants to go see those half naked girls paprading around, so be it. Just remember, he chose you to marry and have his children, not any one of them. If you go into the "I won't allow you to do this" speil though, he may think you're too controlling and that's just stress on your family that is unecessary. Let him know you don't like it, but don't tell him what he can or cannot do.

Holly - posted on 07/13/2009

I would say you can't "allow", or not allow your husband to do anything. I tell my husband if something he wants to do bothers me and I expect him to respect that. In the end, we are both adults and we both make decisions about our own lives (we're not attached at the hip after all!), but if I'm doing something he doesn't feel comfortable with (i.e. going to a male strip club) I would stop. It's about what he wants to do in the end. If he wants to go see those half naked girls paprading around, so be it. Just remember, he chose you to marry and have his children, not any one of them. If you go into the "I won't allow you to do this" speil though, he may think you're too controlling and that's just stress on your family that is unecessary. Let him know you don't like it, but don't tell him what he can or cannot do.

Kellidee - posted on 07/13/2009

I think that "allowing" is a tough word to use on yourself. You cannot make choices for him. When we are faced with information we usually do three things in a specific order. We acknowledge, accept and then approve.



You can acknowledge that your husband wants to do this activity that you may find contrary to your values, or threatening to your self esteem, and still be rather upset by it. It doesn't mean that you agree or feel comfortable with it. In fact you may be pissed off.



You may then accept that this is something he wants to do and you disagree with him that it is in the best interest of your marriage and family. But at this point you agree to disagree with him. If you attempt to control his actions either aggressively or passive-aggressively (cold shoulder, silent treatment), then you are policing him and putting too much responsibility on your shoulders. Accepting that this is something he wants to do does NOT mean you approve of it.



If you, which I don't think many women would, get to the point where you approve this action then you feel that his attending a strip club is fine by you and that you do not suffer any emotional issues with it. That means that you do hold it over his head and it does not affect your self esteem inside and outside of the bedroom. That is the only way you could approve it internally.



Regardless of where you stand on his actions, a spouse needs to know that part of marriage is accepting that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you accept he wants to do this and yet do not approve of it in your marriage, he is still entitled as a free person to do go, but has to take responsibility for how it affects the marriage. We are all free to make our choices AND take responsibility for them. If that means that he goes and you feel less sexy and affectionate then he needs to live with those consequences. You need to search yourself, figure out where you stand on the issue, tell him, and allow him to make his own choices and then live the consequences. That may mean that he tells Dad that he doesn't want to disrespect his wife and the consequence is that Dad is disappointed. We don't really get to know someone unless we allow them to make their own choices, and you need to know who you are really married to, not who you are trying to make him be.



Good luck.



PS. I would not approve and would tell my husband that I felt it was disrespectful to me. If he still chose to go, all I could really do is express my disappointment. At some point if the behavior escalated to beyond the lines I could handle it would turn into another conversation.



Hope this is helpful.

Kellidee - posted on 07/13/2009

I think that "allowing" is a tough word to use on yourself. You cannot make choices for him. When we are faced with information we usually do three things in a specific order. We acknowledge, accept and then approve.



You can acknowledge that your husband wants to do this activity that you may find contrary to your values, or threatening to your self esteem, and still be rather upset by it. It doesn't mean that you agree or feel comfortable with it. In fact you may be pissed off.



You may then accept that this is something he wants to do and you disagree with him that it is in the best interest of your marriage and family. But at this point you agree to disagree with him. If you attempt to control his actions either aggressively or passive-aggressively (cold shoulder, silent treatment), then you are policing him and putting too much responsibility on your shoulders. Accepting that this is something he wants to do does NOT mean you approve of it.



If you, which I don't think many women would, get to the point where you approve this action then you feel that his attending a strip club is fine by you and that you do not suffer any emotional issues with it. That means that you do hold it over his head and it does not affect your self esteem inside and outside of the bedroom. That is the only way you could approve it internally.



Regardless of where you stand on his actions, a spouse needs to know that part of marriage is accepting that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you accept he wants to do this and yet do not approve of it in your marriage, he is still entitled as a free person to do go, but has to take responsibility for how it affects the marriage. We are all free to make our choices AND take responsibility for them. If that means that he goes and you feel less sexy and affectionate then he needs to live with those consequences. You need to search yourself, figure out where you stand on the issue, tell him, and allow him to make his own choices and then live the consequences. That may mean that he tells Dad that he doesn't want to disrespect his wife and the consequence is that Dad is disappointed. We don't really get to know someone unless we allow them to make their own choices, and you need to know who you are really married to, not who you are trying to make him be.



Good luck.



PS. I would not approve and would tell my husband that I felt it was disrespectful to me. If he still chose to go, all I could really do is express my disappointment. At some point if the behavior escalated to beyond the lines I could handle it would turn into another conversation.



Hope this is helpful.

Colleen - posted on 07/13/2009

No! Don't boss him around, but do let him know that it could quite possibly put a huge wedge between the two of you. Would this outing do anything to strengthen your relationship? Definitely not! In my opinion, it would take you both down a path that would not be healthy at all for either of you.

Shauna - posted on 07/13/2009

I feel ya honey. If you already have trust issues b/c of his previous 'free spirit' & other parts... then you really need to look @ your relationship as a whole...and think about if it's really the strip club or a deeper issue. If he's there for your relationship and his love for you and you have told him you are uncomfortable with him going (which you obviously are a little or you wouldn't be asking us) then he would respect that. Or so we all would hope... but that's not always the case. I know you are probably really unsteady emotionally b/c of all you have built togethor and the potential for disaster if you take a stand in the wrong way.

I, myself, don't think it appropriate to do that if you are serious in a relationship or married. But you create the standard when you are with someone... you are the only person that controls how you are treated and what is ok. In my opinion if he is grown enough to have a family & children then he needs to be grown enough to consider what he is wanting to do. But you need to let him make that decision once you explain your feelings. That being said, if he doesn't respect what you feel once it's expressed then you have a bigger issue than the girls @ the strip club.

Hope that was helpful. I went through the same thing.

Heidi - posted on 07/13/2009

this one is easy. Uh.......NO! Only bad things can come from that. His devotion should be to you and your kids. His arousal should only come from you now that you are married. NO STRIP CLUBS ! Those days are over once he started a family.

Kathy - posted on 07/13/2009

Just the fact that your asking, answers the question. What you think, really matters - don't forget it. Plus, why would he want to do something that bothers you - especially when you are carrying his child. As the earlier post says, talk to him and let him know how you feel.

Charity - posted on 07/13/2009

NO, what is in the purpose of going and looking at a naked woman that he can't do with you! It will cause problems in ur marriage.

Charity - posted on 07/13/2009

NO, what is in the purpose of going and looking at a naked woman that he can't do with you! It will cause problems in ur marriage.

Kathi - posted on 07/13/2009

If you feel your relationship is safe, as in you have trust, why not?! I totally would let my husband (though he has no desire). And it could be a bonus of excitement for your relationship.

Ana - posted on 07/13/2009

In my opinion, everyone needs a night out with friends/family once in a while. I would have an issue if he made it a regular thing, but not for a one time shot. I wouldnt call it, "allowing him" but rather, not minding.

Jackie - posted on 07/13/2009

I have to agree with penny a few posts down... a marriage is a union of two people, you are a team, and telling him what he can and can not do can cause resentment later. Is your husband a good trustworthy person.... if he is then you have to let him make that descion. you can tell him how you feel about it but don't dictate to him.... honey if he is coming home to you every night then you have nothing to worry about... and trust me those girls do not want your man, they want his money...... good luck and i will send a prayer out for you both!

Jami - posted on 07/13/2009

What's the worst that could happen? He might see a naked girl... If he loves you he's not going anywhere. If he doesn't love you then (trust me as a single mother of 4) you're better off without him. How about this idea... next time you have some alone time together, YOU strip for him.

Sherry - posted on 07/13/2009

Wow, he shouldn't want to go to a strip club he is a married man, with a wife and daughter and one on the way at home. The question is to you would you trust him if he went? I know my husband has went with friends(back when we where only dating) and I didn't like the idea, but I trusted him and still do to this day cause I know he wouldn't cheat. He hasn't went in years ever since we had kids and got married. Also think would you go to a strip club and leave him at home with the kids? Good luck!

Mary - posted on 07/13/2009

Pornography and other addictions are the number one reason people fail in whatever they do - life, marriage, finances, etc. I grew up with a father who looked at "dirty" magazines and watched movies - I thought it was disgusting then and I felt it was a total disgrace and disrespect for my mom, even though I love my father dearly. I understand people who say "allow" is like being his mom, not his wife, but you can tell him how you feel. Someone who cheats, can be forgiven and not do it again, but if he is tempted and he knows its ok with you to go to see a stripper, you are just inviting trouble into your marriage. If he wants to see a stripper, YOU be his stripper. Play games with him, let him see he doesn't need to go look for someone else. Most men just want excitement and as mothers, we are usually tired and forget after we get married and have kids what our husbands needs are. Date him again, give him what he needs - even if you are tired, he won't need a reason to stray. I'm not saying you are or were a bad person, I don't know that. Just hold onto your man, but only if he is truly worth it. Marriage is for better/worse, richer/poorer, sickness/health, til death do you part. Most people forget that and if you love him, you will want to keep him, especially if he is a good father/husband.

Michelle - posted on 07/13/2009

HE HAS 2 KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF AND ITS NOT RIGHT TO DO THOSE THINGS TO YOU ,HE SHOULD SHOW YOU THAT HE CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ,HE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND BE A MAN A REAL FATHER WOULD NOT BE FOUND DEAD IN ONE OF THOSE PLACES ,IF HE HAS TO GO THERE THEN HE IS NOT HAPPY WITH YOU ,GIVE HIM UP AND GET A GOOD ONE

Annalize - posted on 07/13/2009

The other day I heard off a lady who went with her husband to a stripclub and even paid for him to have a lapdance from one of the girls. Strange but true. I would definitely not like it. Speak to your husband about it. Be straight. Just don't involve family into your conversation with him. I always tell my husband that when he wants to see a stripshow I will be more than willing to give it to him at HOME! Why else did he marry me?

Gemma - posted on 07/13/2009

If you trust him which i would hope you ddo as he is your Husband then what have you got to worry about, its no different than watchin a movie there is no touching involved... so if he wants to go then why stop him.

Lisa - posted on 07/13/2009

We have been married 21 yr. I hate the thought of him going to a strip club, but, I'm am not his mom and he has to make that choice for himself. I just tell him to remember he has a daughter , how would he like to see her dancing on that pole. ???? Also I have done the nails of several girls who work in these clubs.. FOR THEM it is easy money for them to suport their children and unless he makes a fuss and throws money around he is just another hand w/ $$. Scare him with the hard facts, and let him know how you feel. It's better to be open , than have him sneeking off. Trust and Honesty is the key to any problem. (Don't forget your nail glue ,just incase he gets stupid) :) GL

Jeanine - posted on 07/12/2009

Personnally, I wouldn't let him go. If he insists on going then, you also insist on going with him.

Angela - posted on 07/12/2009

It depends on the amount of trust, communication and sercurity there is in the relationship. I was a young military wife and I didn't trust my ex because we didn't have boundaries, therefore everything he did I judged and vise versa. The solution ( I believe ) is to sit down with your spouse and discuss everything. Those kind of questions can seem daunting but ultimately airing them and finding out what both of you truly feel will help your help relationship.

Amanda - posted on 07/12/2009

never a good idea...but hey as long as there is no lipstick or phone numbers you should be good ...but your will always wounder..

Linda - posted on 07/12/2009

Allow???? if my husband wanted to go to a strip club he certainly wouldnt wait for me to "allow" him to go!!!! Hes a big boy, let him make up his own mind!

Jenniffer - posted on 07/12/2009

I suggest that you tell him that you're not ok with him going there, and that you trust him and that you just hope he does the right thing. Tell him that his wife loves him. Hope that works. wish you all the best.

Kiiursti - posted on 07/12/2009

hell no tell him u will strip for him ok

Georgia - posted on 07/12/2009

heya - whats the the reason why you are asking - is it because you are jelous? If so I would let him go - Ive been to strip bars before hanging out with guys mainly from work and its not really that bad - the chicks there stripping are never really super hot - and its jsut a naked body really!!

If its because your worried that he will find someone else and hook up and leave you - well he can go to any bar and do that! Anyways good luck! Maybe you and him should go out together, get someone in for the evening and do something together!

Katie - posted on 07/12/2009

No married man should go to a strip club! They have no buisness being there. He is a married man now and his buisness is staying away from those places. They cause way to many problems for marriages.

Christina - posted on 07/12/2009

I think its kind of ridiculous though when all of these women are saying you should let him do whatever he wants because otherwise hell do it behind your back .. I dont believe in letting someone do something just because they will do it anyways. That is probably a problem if their men dont respect their wishes. If a certain thing, like a stripclub. . is a big deal to you, then chances are your husband knew this when he married you. In a marriage, both partners need to give a little and listen to their spouse. If he wants you to let him run wild and do whatever he wants to do, then he should have stayed single!

Christina - posted on 07/12/2009

Quoting Pililani:

Don't make your husband miserable and not let him do anything like some people have been suggesting. It will ruin your marriage. Even though he did cheat, and thats unforgivable, he has to have his own time and you definitely have to feel that you can trust him again.

Theres a difference between not letting him do anything and not letting him go to a stripclub.  Personally I think theres plenty of other places for him to have his own time and not letting him go there doesnt mean you dont let him do anything.  Being put in the position to cheat again could also ruin her marriage. 

The only thing I agree with Pililani on is you need to be able to trust him to have a lasting marriage. . and if you dont feel you can trust him, then maybe you should work on this before telling him to go ahead to the stripclub.  And if hes "miserable" because he cant go to a stripclub. . then that probably isnt good either.

Pamela - posted on 07/12/2009

Cami ,

Before my husband and I got married he went and I freaked out but he came home to me and a couple of yrs later we got married and he still goes from time to time , it is all about trust and how secure your marriage is .

Pamela - posted on 07/12/2009

Cami ,

Before my husband and I got married he went and I freaked out but he came home to me and a couple of yrs later we got married and he still goes from time to time , it is all about trust and how secure your marriage is .

Elena - posted on 07/12/2009

I would never let my husband go to a strip club. Seeing other woman topless will only lead him to cheat more and it will cause him to constantly compare you. If you have gained weight or have a stomach he will not find you attractive anymore. Relationships are not like they used to be. My grandfather appreciated my grandma even though she was old, he was still inlove with her, like in the movie notebook because she was the only one he saw naked. Now there is so much divorce going on because there is too much temptation from porno movies, strip clubs, girls walking around in sexy outfits, that is why as soon as a woman gets old and ugly her husband wants to trade her in for a younger woman. When your husband sees only you, you become the most attractive to him because he doesnt know what he is missing, but when he goes to strip clubs he will always think there is something better out there and he loses respect for his wife.

Michelle - posted on 07/12/2009

mmm I would as if u dont trust him you shouldnt even be together,

Erica - posted on 07/12/2009

no way !!!! the woman are money hungry bitchs they will do anything for a dollar they dont care if they the man are married or got kids just as long as they get there money and they will do just about anything!!

the stripers are bad woman!!

Kelly - posted on 07/12/2009

I think it's very disrespectful for a married man to go to a strip club, but while you're pregant? Absolutely NOT! He should be ashamed for even suggesting that he might go. I didn't feel very sexy while I was pregnant. The thought of my husband going and ogling other women while I was in that condition would send me over the top. I think he has a lot of nerve!!!

Heather - posted on 07/12/2009

Um my opinion.... Hell no!! If my husband did that it would be out the door for him!! I do not agree with a married man looking at other women. Sure they do it sometimes but it will only cause problems in your relationship!! I feel that is you marry someone that is the only persons body you better be lookin at. It would be very disrespectful to me. That is how I feel!!