Should I confront my 2 and half year old daughters abuser?

Yvonne - posted on 07/27/2009

Hi Sorry to hear about your plight that you are facing. I seriously think these allegations need to be out in the open all round as abuse of any kind is illegal and can cause extreme problems mentally for your daughter. I work as childminder and if I suspected anything I would report it. Make notes in a book about what your daughter says and her reactions to step-mother as this will help others understand the circumstances. Please dont let this situation continue and good luck to you and your daughter (((((((((HUGZ))))))) Vonnie x

Mimoza - posted on 07/26/2009

If you tell your husband i am afraid that he will not believe you. but if you put a hidden camera in the place that that bitch abuse mostly with your daughter than you will have proof and she will be arrested. i hope that this will work. and i pray for your daughter to be ok.

Melissa - posted on 07/25/2009

That's horrible to hear the first thing I would do is to take you daughter to a child psychologist. Then I would go after the step mother for abuse. And not let that woman go near my child. Then every time she gets frightened I would hold her tight and remind her that I am there and nothing like that will ever happen again... But make sure that never happens again.. Or else you will loose trust with your daughter.

Eva - posted on 07/24/2009

you must call child and youth services and report this. They will investigate this woman, and you can have a restraining order against her. Why would you let your child continue to be frieghtened out of her mind...I know of other abusive persons and they will continue to reign terror over those who cannot defend themselves. Besides, your child could be emotionally scarred for life.

Amber - posted on 07/24/2009

I'm curious of what your daughters father has to say. He should be totally embarresed by his wives actions and furthermore he should be outraged at her for treating his child so poorly. I hope that monster doesn't have any children of her own! It's soo good you took steps to get your daughter some couseling and also are so determined to keep this woman away from your child. She will be fine & you sound like a great mother so concerned for your daughter, she is very lucky to have you!

Amy - posted on 07/24/2009

When I was reading all of these comments one thing came to my mind that I didn't see mentioned. I think a sly way to remove the abuser from the child's presence would be to call social services and ask for counseling for your daughter because she is having issues with her stepmother. This can be done in a non-confrontational way.

If the adult is actually abusive she probably won't want to go anywhere near the child for fear that the psychologist/social worker would be able to detect that she was committing a crime. If the adult is not abusing the child, the child gets the help he/she needs dealing with the person in a positive way. Either way, it's a win for the child compared to the experience she is having now.

Julie - posted on 07/24/2009

Ahi, You have done the first two steps, by reaching out for help and getting your chld emotional help she needs! My hands are UP to you my dear!!!!!!!!!!!! I have always been a believer that I am the voice for my girls, you need to continue the steps your taking, but you also need to let yor ex know you are AWARE of the physical and mental things she is doing to your baby girl! Proof or no proof and you need to have it on file at your local PD so even if she never touches your child or sees her again you have the first step in protecting the next one she is jealous of!~Juls~

Amber - posted on 07/24/2009

I agree call the police. I probably would be in jail myself if someone abused one of my children in any form. She should be ashamed of herself and shown for the aweful human being she is!

Jessica - posted on 07/24/2009

Ahi, all i can say is remember how it felt when your dad used to be abusive to you kids!!!... Now, you don't do anything to poor little princess, then who gives anyone else the right... Yes, of course be careful of what u do, but i would make sure Peter was there when u confront her, so he knows whats been going on, and he Should know if she is lying about it by denying the allegations... And good on you for getting her legally removed from any contact with her, thats what i would've suggested too. Love ya x

April - posted on 07/23/2009

I am SO glad things are getting better for you! Take a deep breath now and know that the Lord will take care of things for you = )

Jacqueline - posted on 07/22/2009

I think you should have her arrested. One thing you can count on when it comes to things like this children do not lie!

Ahi - posted on 07/22/2009

Thanks everyone for all your help and support. Just to give an update on things, my daughter and I will be going to see a child psychologist to have her evaluated tomorrow. I'm currently taking steps to have her step-mother legally removed from any contact with my daughter. I'm now finally getting a good nights sleep knowing that this abuser will not be able to do this to my daughter again and hopefully deter her from doing this to any child in the future. I've appreciated all your comments, blunt or otherwise! Wishing you and your families peace, happiness, love & God bless xo

Amy - posted on 07/18/2009

All I can say is that you need to protect your daughter, and I'll pray for you. Never been in that situation and I don't know what I would do. Your daughter's safety has to come first, and I wouldn't worry too much about what anyone else in the family thinks.

Ruth - posted on 07/17/2009

Teach her to yell ow! Tell her that it's not ok for anyone to hurt her, and if they do, yell, ow. Don't call the step mother by name - just say, "What if someone does this, (pretend to pull hair), we yell, OW! What if someone does this, (pretend something else). We yell, STOP! Remind her that her grandparents love her and will come to rescue her from the dragon. Tell the grandparents what you have taught her, and you expect them to follow through if she yells. She has to know she can trust those that are supposed to love her. If the grandparents won't follow through, you have no choice but to stop visitation, call your lawyer, and social services. A friend of mine told her kids all the right things, and her son still was sexually molested by his grandfather. The problem was, she had also told them she would kill anyone that touched them. When he finally got up the courage to tell, he told her she lied because she hadn't killed pawpaw, and his trust in her was broken. So it's just as important what you do as what they do.

Sue - posted on 07/17/2009

You daughter deserves your protection. By confronting this woman and turning the situation over to the authorities will show your daughter that you'll always protect her. God forbid that if something worse were to ever happen to her you would want her to tell you and by not showing her now that you are there to protect her she may think she shouldn't tell you because you didn't help her in the past. Remember she is your daughter and you have to protect her from anything that is hurting her mental or physical.

April - posted on 07/17/2009

Document, document, document. Write down the date and time your daughter has said these things to you. Write down any instances that have changed such as brushing her hair and now screaming. THEN, call CPS to see how they could help you. I would also remove her from the situation or tell them they need to have supervised visits now.

Jesica - posted on 07/17/2009

If it were me, she would be dead by now. I know from being abused as a child that the longer it continues no matter the type of abuse, the worse it will be to recover from it. Please make it stop now while she is young still. I know as a mother this is hard, but keeping your beautiful wee girl in mind will make it easier. Good luck and hope it stops soon

Rhea - posted on 07/17/2009

In these situations, trust the child and document, document, document. This sounds like a crazy idea, but could you video your daughter (and the top of her head) before and after she visits. (I know, it probably won't show anything, unless some hair is missing or loose long strands are there.) If the court requires the father to have supervised visits, you can complain and request the supervised visits be with a social worker present. Above all, be very reasonable and not hysterical. Hysterical makes you look unstable.

Tanz - posted on 07/17/2009

damn straight u shud girl .. hell, my ex's wife did go there & wen my daughter told me about it .. all hell broke loose .. i don't speak to my kids the way that she spoke to them so who the frig does she thik she is to do that .. i was around at ther home quicker then a blink & i belted the crap out of her & my ex! .. Im priud to say that ever since then, she doesn't dare say anything nasty, that i know of anyways about my kids .. if u don't do anything then they think that it's alright to keep going .. we have to put a stop to it in anyway that we can .. if not we're saying that it's alright for them to keep doing it .. maybe violence isn't the answer, but hey if smashing the bitch gets results then do it .. lol! .. sorry Ahi, this may not be the way that u go about doing things but it was happening to my kids .. my kids don't have much to do with her wen they go there & they've learnt to tell her to go to hell .. lol! .. they're much older now, so like i said they don't take any crap from her & she doesn't dare go there any more .. so yeah, don't take it lying down girl .. confront her & we all know wat step-mothers are like .. evil & very dishonest .. hit us bak girl .. much love.

Cynthia - posted on 07/17/2009

First you need proof. And that is hard to say. Once you have proof give it to the police and your lawyer.

Sharon - posted on 07/17/2009

Quoting Kelli:

Children that young I would think are very honest. I would ask a professionals opinion of what to do before anything bad happens again. The step-mother may be jealous of your daughter and may be hiding this from her husband. I wouldn't take any chances if I were you. Talk to an attorney or counselor for children to get there opinion.

Children that age AREN'T that honest although I seriously doubt this child would be displaying the symptoms she is if she were lying.

As an example - my 2 yr old son was talking to his grandmother and told her this WHOPPING big lie that all 3 of our dogs had gotten loose and had been hit by a big rig on our little hardly traveled country road.

She hung up and called me back ASAP wanting to know why didn't I tell her about this tragedy.  I was like WHAT TRAGEDY???  UGH.  I think it was his first experience in story telling.  AND!  more strange?  We had not watched ANY movie where dogs had been killed, nearly killed or anything like that!

Kelli - posted on 07/17/2009

Children that young I would think are very honest. I would ask a professionals opinion of what to do before anything bad happens again. The step-mother may be jealous of your daughter and may be hiding this from her husband. I wouldn't take any chances if I were you. Talk to an attorney or counselor for children to get there opinion.

Lydia - posted on 07/16/2009

Unfortunately distressed childisnt enough - unless maybe she starts seeing a counsellor about it? Maybe the information gained by a child psychologist and their profesional analysis of the child may be enough to talk to police about a restraining order against the abuser? Just throwing thoughts out there now.

Francesca - posted on 07/16/2009

we are having the same problems. we have just reported it to social serv,we had a meeting with them today. they told us we need proof, but im not being funny,isn't the child being in so much distress enough proof???

i would say contact someone from the council, and if they dont do anything call the police. good luck x

Sharon - posted on 07/16/2009

Quoting tracy:

You are her voice ! She is a gift from God to you ! You have heard her cry ,Be her voice or you are just as guilty for letting it go on . I dont want to sound harsh but what are you going to do if she really hurts her? please report it.

No offense but wth is she going to report?  "That woman my exhusband married is being mean to my daughter."  Without anysort of proof or hospital report - they'll do nothing.  The LAW says they can do nothing.

HOWEVER!!  I thought of something.  She may be smart now - but maybe wasn't so smart before??  She may have a record or at least previous complaints on record somewhere!  OHHHH that would be great!  Any chance you can get her SSN to run a search online?

Tracy - posted on 07/16/2009

You are her voice ! She is a gift from God to you ! You have heard her cry ,Be her voice or you are just as guilty for letting it go on . I dont want to sound harsh but what are you going to do if she really hurts her? please report it.

Lydia - posted on 07/16/2009

You can always talk to a police representative unofficially - I know if someone was having that kind of problem my sister would be hapy to sit and let them know exactly what the police would need to take any action (especially being a mum herself)

Ahi - posted on 07/16/2009

I just want to extend my sincere thanks for all your wonderful advice and concern. It's very much appreciated! Because of the nature of the abuse, I've felt inadequate without proof. I've asked her to show me what happened and it's been pulling hair, slapping and hitting her face & head to pinching. She's been clever enough to not leave an marks or bruises except now my daughter who was never tender headed cries when i brush her hair. As mothers we know our child and I know beyond a reasonable doubt that she's telling me the truth. Her fear of the mention of her step mothers name speaks volumes to me. I'm very aware of not talking about the abuse when my daughter is present. I don't want her to keep reliving what's happened to her but at the same time i can't stop her from bringing it up every day. I definately know what I need to do and that's to ensure and maintain my daughters wellbeing above all other things. Thank you all once again for your helpful insight and advice. God bless you all and your beautiful families always, Ahi & Hadassah xo

Lynette - posted on 07/16/2009

It could make the situation worse. Try the police and social services report it to them, in the meantime support your daughter the best you can. If she feels your anger, tentions, she will pick up on it. If you want to talk about the said person, i would suggest you do it away from your daughter. She may be having confusing feelings, like what she done wrong, does she still love me etc. Support her and show her love.

Joy - posted on 07/15/2009

Quoting Alamoni:

Do what is best for your little girl...remove her from this situation, disregard everybody elses (grandparents, father, step-mother and even yours) feelings or reactions except your daughter's. Find other ways for your daughter to stay in contact with her father's family (with you being present) and without the step-mother in the picture. Explain to the family about your daughter's feelings about her step-mother and why you are taking these steps. YOU are the only one that you and your daughter can trust to do what's right for her and until the situation changes, your daughter's well-being is the only thing that counts. My prayers and love are with you both. xo

This is sage advice.  Alamoni worded it perfectly.  The only other thing I would do besides what she said is to do what Jen Bunger said and document EVERYTHING.  I agree with what someone else said about making sure first that there is actual abuse going on.  I do know that sometimes children will tell you something horrible about step mom (or step dad or whoever) just because they got into trouble with that person.  So you definitely don't want to jump the gun.  But if it's something your daughter has been telling you about repeatedly, these ladies are correct in the way you should handle it and I just wanted to bump what they said.

Jen - posted on 07/15/2009

Find out the details of the abuse. Ask simple questions, as she's only 2 1/2. You can ask things like "Does she hurt you?" and ask where. Keep a record after every visit. Confront the child's father once, and if he acts like nothing is going on still, stop the visits altogether. It is your right and responsibility. Contact the police immediately with the information. If you follow these steps and the father takes you to court or calls the police for not following visitation rights, you will have all necessary steps covered for the judge.

Sharon - posted on 07/15/2009

NOOOO!!! Unless the abuse is physical and she has marks Ahi will look like a meanspirited female out to attack her husband through his new wife.



There aren't enough details? Is the stepbitcvh telling your daughter boogey men are going to get her? Is she sneaking in pinches when no one is looking?



I think - with the information we have right now - the best thing you can do is tell your exhusband that his new wife is NOT allowed to be present when he goes to visit your child. If he agrees then please continue the visitations.



ALTHOUGH - since the child visits her grandparents and not her father(?) I'm guessing he doesn't have visitation rights or has limited/supervised visitation? If this is the case maybe present the issues to the appointed court worker?



We went through something like this - honest to god I wanted to run the person over with my car and drop their body on a fireants nest. I still get angry as all heck thinking about it. You can not make accusations without some sort of proof. I was "lucky" I had the branding marks on my sons' back to back me up.

Tamara - posted on 07/15/2009

I'd go straight to the cops. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to the police. The longer you let this go, the worse its going to be on your daughter.

Alamoni - posted on 07/15/2009

Do what is best for your little girl...remove her from this situation, disregard everybody elses (grandparents, father, step-mother and even yours) feelings or reactions except your daughter's. Find other ways for your daughter to stay in contact with her father's family (with you being present) and without the step-mother in the picture. Explain to the family about your daughter's feelings about her step-mother and why you are taking these steps. YOU are the only one that you and your daughter can trust to do what's right for her and until the situation changes, your daughter's well-being is the only thing that counts. My prayers and love are with you both. xo

Amanda - posted on 07/15/2009

Hi, I have a 14 year old that was abused when she was 7 by an ex friend of the family and when my daughter came to me with the news of course I wanted to hurt the person but my husband calmed me down and said we should report it to the police,so we had an officer come to our home to file the report and he asked my daughter some questions about what happened.I guess depending on the sort of abuse and if there have been any marks on your child I would take pictures and write down everything your child tells you about the abuser and if it gets to that point I would deffinatly file a report because you never know if it is happening to another child and it is better to get this under controll now.And if your child is afraid of this person than she shouldn't have to be around them.Kids are very smart and they can usually since danger but than again kids sometimes say they don't like someone just because they might not have let them watch t.v that day so I would make sure the accusations are correct first and then talk with an officer.I hope this was helpful to you.

Joy - posted on 07/15/2009

It would be all I could do to NOT confront anyone my son said was abusing him in any way. The hard part for me would be to remain polite and not to get violent. If you do confront her, maybe see if someone you know and trust can be there with you. Spend some time (like a few days) calming down and getting what you want to say straight. Maybe write everything down before hand. I don't know how I would handle it and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. Like I said before, if something like that ever happened to my son, I would HAVE to have someone there to hold me back or I would end up in jail. I'll keep you in my prayers.