Should I give him an ultimatum?

Amanda - posted on 08/24/2010

I undertsand were u are coming from I also have a six month and a3 yr old with the same man we have been together for going on 6 yrs. When we had our first he was a big help , got up through the nite helped when he wasn't working. But with our second child he does nothing , not even to help ot with our older daughter. It does get to u cuz u think Im pretty much a single parent now I may as well really be one. I talkd to my bf and told him how I felt and it worked for a little while hes starting to go back to his old ways. I don't know if ur bf is like mine but in his head he goes to work and I stay home to take care of ur child so that is what my job is and he doesn't have to help. im almost ready to tell him its not working. It might be hard but If thats what u feel like u have to do.

Melissa - posted on 08/24/2010

Ultimatums don't normally end how you wish they would! I say don't give an ultimatum, but you do need to figure out something that will work for you both! I work part time and my fiance works full time and I also have been put with all the responsibility and also felt for a very long time that I am a single mother. I would go on 4 or less hours of sleep not because my daughter didn't sleep though the night because she slept 6 hours at night starting at birth and it only became more and more as time went on. But I would be up between 2-4 am for work and then would come home by noon and have my daughter again till she went to bed! My fiance does work 10 hour shifts outside in the heat or even more when it snows, but I couldn't handle feeling like a single mother either and we had our ups and downs, he wanted to come home and nap after I had an extremely long day of work then taking care of our daughter! You have to put things in his perspective! Let him know that you need help when he is home! When he is home that starts his job of being a father! My fiance and I went back and forth, he would come home and sit down and watch tv while i ran around cleaning the house and making Payten her dinner, making our dinner, till i finally said enough is enough and started asking him to come help me! He basically said he doesn't help because he doesn't know what to do well... I just walked him through things and he now will help me on certain things. It took a lot of patients and talking back and forth but we finally figured things out to make me feel more like this is a team effort than just me doing everything!

I used to never get showers in either but I started taking my daughter in the shower with me! She loves bath time so I would put her in her tub in the bottom and I would shower quick and then I would bath her and she loved it, when she got bigger I put her blow up ducky she sat in in the bottom of the tub for her to sit in! I know this does NOT leave you with much room but you get a nice shower in.

Pam - posted on 08/24/2010

My Dear, sounds like you have your hands full. I can understand because I had three 2 in diapers and one 5 years old . i was married for eight years to a couch potatoe but i managed to take a bath more than once a week. I am no longer married to this man but I respect him for bringing home the bacon so to say. AlI i can say is if you leave him now your child may resent you for the rest of your life. So all I can tell you is to try to work thru things ,go thru counsiling anything to try to mmake it work if you love him. Good Luck in your future my dear and I hope you heed my advise to you. if you dont love him then all I can say is why did you have a child with him? My guess would be that he loves you or he wouldn't be working at all to help you and your baby. Oh, by the way I breast fed all my children and I know how hard it is. but try to make things happen with your mate or you may regret it later on when your child wants to know athe whole truth .......Try to sit down and work it thru with him, tell him how tired you are and that you need some tlc........

Cherie - posted on 08/24/2010

Well I don't hear anything about "but I love him"? so that leads me to question what's up??? I agree with what alot of the responses are about taking a shower etc. but keep in mind IF you don't talk to him he won't know! My ex-husband was the same way and had no clue but my current husband ( many years after the fact) is great and does help but also knows it is his responsibility too! we both work full time jobs and he has his own business so there are lots of hours involved. While our kids are long gone the fact remains it still takes two and he needs to help there shouldn't be a reason for slack because he is working - what are you doing? hellooooo Don't go for the ultimatim unless you are willing to deal with the outcome - Good luck

Alasia - posted on 08/24/2010

How old is your son? My guy didn't really start helping until my daughter was a little older and was a little more interactive. You can try talking to him and tell him how you feel about the situation, I've done that a few times and he would start to help out a little more. If that doesn't work let me know and I'll ask my older wiser moms what to do.

Jessica - posted on 08/24/2010

I feel your pain. Been there so many times. I had to realize that ultimatums corner them and take away their "manhood". You are ensuring an argument and a struggle. Approach him and just ask for some help. Ask him to watch the baby so you can grab a shower. Nicely and just like that. Stop keeping score. Yes, as a mom we don't get breaks and work really long hours..that's our job! I know it's hard, I have three and two are toddlers. You need to calm down and remember that if you leave him then you will be doing it all alone including going to work to support your child. Think of your son, this would be worse for him.
I found that it wasn't that the work was too hard, but I didn't feel appreciated. I worked harder and asked my husband how I was doing. When he realized that I was working hard FOR HIM, he became an amazing husband! Now I work less, have more appreciation and get more me time.
Try the line:
"I know you work hard honey, but would you mind watching the baby so I could get a shower. I feel gross and need to feel refreshed".

Work with him, not against him.

Dawn - posted on 08/24/2010

i don't know where to start. Even a single mother working a full-time job leaves her baby in a crib long enough to take a shower. There is no reason you cannot take a shower in the morning when he is there. Your baby will be just fine, even if he cries for 10 minutes while you bathe. Make a daily routine. Get up, get breakfast, put baby in crib, bathe. After a week, your baby will be just fine in the crib with toys while you take care of you. If Dad doesn't like listening to baby cry, the Dad should get up and take care of baby. Stop being the victim and take control of your life. What do you think you will be teaching your child if this is how you are allowing your bf to live? If he doesn't want to take care of your child, what do you think is going to happen in the years to come? I know being a mom can be a bit overwhelming at times, but you have the power to change it. Stop letting him walk all over you.

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2010

Maybe it's time for a heart to heart with the dad/ bf. Make some plans to take time for yourself when he is home. As far as the showers are concerned, try taking them when the baby is asleep. I'd also suggest that you sleep when the baby is asleep. Things can work out, my husband works 70 hours a weeks and still makes time to do things around the house and help take care of our boys. It can be done. Take care of yourself.

Mindy - posted on 08/24/2010

Cheyenne,

What you are dealing with is an unbalanced relationship. This is the easiest & most dangerous place for new parents to slip into. What you are feeling now is the unbalance-I can feel your exhaustion and frustration which is leading to the anger and burn out you feel-I have been through the same thing. After much therapy this is what I have learned. With some good communication you both can work through this. The problem is most couples don't know how to communicate. We all expect the other person to handle things & process information the same way we do because that is what makes sense to us and when you the person doing everything you know best:) That's where the communication breaks down. This was the hardest thing for me to grasp-but its so very true-don't expect him to help because he should just "know" what to do because he sees you doing it-or bc you have made a million comments trying to get his attention-which never works or only pisses him off. Men just don't think that way, it feels so wrong and frustrating but if you except this fact now-things will move faster in a better direction. You really have to understand that men and women do not process information the same way at all. As hard as it is, you need to spell it out to him-you need to tell him what you need help with. And be prepared to have to tell him a few times. Hey-I am going to take a shower-I need you to watch the baby. Or something like we need to adjust our schedule bc I am not finding the time to take a shower-so when you wake up what is the best time for you to watch the baby everyday while I take a shower. Start with things like that and move into more and more-but you have to ask for help! NOW-if he flat out refuses to watch the baby you have a bigger problem & you will need some professional assistance. If money is tight-check with your local place of worship-most churches have money set aside to help people in distress. You have been doing everything, so it is easy for him to do nothing-that is not going to change over night. This is a really tough spot to be in but it is possible to fix this. Walking away is the easiest thing to do-but only in the short run, I hope you will both try and work through this and wish you all the best.

Amanda - posted on 08/24/2010

when i was in your shoes and i would get fed up i would hand him the baby even if it ment waking him up give him the baby dont say anything and go do what you need/want to do if its shower shower if its go to the gas station and grab a pop just to get outta the house for 5 10 min go get a pop after you do this a few times he will see something is wrong and he will ask whats wrong and you can tell him but remember life wont be any easier with him gone everythin bills baby housework everything will fall on you when he is gone so try comunication without ultimatim first... men are blondes sometimes to what they arent doing and how it makes weman feel

Gale - posted on 08/24/2010

Do you have a carseat/pumpkin seat? If so put him in the seat and put the seat in the bathroom so you can shower, or shower when he is in bed for a nap. Or shower at nite while your son is sleep. I always did my showers at nite or while my son napped. As for the ultamatum I wouldnt do it, just sit down and have a talk with the Boyfriend, and say you would like some help, never give a guy an ultmatium it would just be easier for them to leave, but if you need the help money wise, then think twice. My husband works nites and sleeps days, but he does get up and help from time to time, giving our son a bath and taking him places.

Evie - posted on 08/24/2010

You ARE a single Mom. He's got it made.... if he won't help now.... don't think getting married will make things different... only worse!

Emma - posted on 08/24/2010

You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel, otherwise the whole situation will blow up into a big row, maybe he does not know how selfish he is behaving , sometimes men just go into their own little world and just do their own thing, he should be helping you after all the baby is his son as well, and you dont want him to think he is doing you a favour when he does help, your son is his responability also and he should be doing stuff for him, he may be going out to work, but you are at home 24/7 with a small baby and its not fair that you cant do the basic things for yourself, you need a well deserved break and he should be stepping up and letting you have your time, so sit him down and tell him how you feel and that he needs to take care of his son , and let you sleep and shower and go and meet some friends for a coffee you need to be with adults also, a child needs a happy mum not a sad one who feels trapped. i hope it all works out for you and that he listens to you xx

Becky - posted on 08/24/2010

Tell him to shape up and help or get out!!! Also, why can't you shower while your baby naps? Or after he goes to sleep?

Toni - posted on 08/24/2010

I am going through the exact same thing, except that my daughter is 15 months old. Try asking him for help before he goes to work... Just things that make it seem like you're not asking too much. Like asking him to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer. Or asking him to draw you a bath so you can jump in really fast. I would most certainly NOT give him an ultimatum, because unless you're asking him for help, he wouldn't know you need it. Asking him to watch the baby for 10 minutes shouldn't be an issue so you can at least take a shower. And if it is a problem for him, leave him.

Brandi - posted on 08/24/2010

have a baby monitor in the bathroom so you can hear him and keep him in his crib or PnP. you can get a shower whenever you want. If you care at all about this guy you talk first about problems, its immature to say your not getting what you want to he leaves and then you still dont get what you want and no financial assistance.

Jacquellin - posted on 08/24/2010

Being a stay at home mom can be tough. You're expected to keep the house clean, do the laundry, cook the meals, and watch the kid(S). But even with all that, you need to make some time for yourself, even if he won't help. Giving him an ultimatum may or may not help, but you can help yourself. I have 2 kids, 6 and 1 (thank goodness school is back in session!) and I'm watching my 4 month old nephew too. I have no problem putting my son in his crib or playpen and taking a shower when I need to. If he isn't happy he is in there, I rush my shower to less than 5 minutes and come to his rescue! When my son was an infant I also laid down when he took a nap, even if it was for only half an hour, you need to catch up when you can, otherwise you'll crash, and that won't be good.

Erica - posted on 08/24/2010

boys need directions, tell him what to do, babe, go do the dishes for me please. hey, I need you to watch the baby while I shower. things like that...tell him how to show up for you, we all want men to read our minds, but it comes down to if we don't tell them, they really don't know. get over wanting him to "just know" and tell him what you need. that's how you get a break and some help, by asking.

Betty - posted on 08/24/2010

give him options how he can help. Be specific re scheduling.

Lisa - posted on 08/24/2010

I hear ya. I use to take my daughter in the shower with me and wash while she got wet. I would swap arms to wash other side. She had fun and I knew where she was at. As far as you aand him I have been there. It got to where I could not take it anymore. I had family to help but still even when i wanted to relax well... he still did his own thing. I hoped by talking things through that it would get better right. That is up to you on how much you are willing to take. My advice would be pray about it and let God lead you.

Linda - posted on 08/24/2010

Hi there, did he used to help you before baby came or is this a new thing since you gave birth. If he didn't maybe he just expects it to be the same way if you haven't discussed it with him. Does he know how you feel? Either way I agree with you! He needs to come down off his pedestal and help you with the baby and with the household chores. It's a lot on a new mother and you do just as much as he does you just don't get paid for it and you're in the home. He doesn't deserve slack or get breaks because he works. He could watch your son while you shower EVERYDAY, demand that of him at least 2 hours everyday for you. And he can do dishes or sweep the floor. He can take the baby for a walk to the park or even just down and up the street again. You deserve it and need to stick up for yourself now or it will get worse. If you leave him it will be the same as it is now in terms of caring for the baby alone. And in a sense it's not all that fair to the baby if you leave him just because his father doesn't help. There has to be more to why you're thinking of leaving him and you're just not telling and that's your prerogative. Try talking to him, ask him to go and see the doctor with you and ask your doctor to discuss post partum with the both of you. Maybe that will help him to understand how you're feeling. I find it all too easy today for families to give up on each other and then leave to start fresh when they feel the crunch. He has to help out there's no doubt about that but don't give up on your family just because of that. Please seek counseling before you do anything like that. Take care, good luck and BIG HUGS to you and your baby.

Diana - posted on 08/24/2010

He should be putting his part in as daddy. When I say daddy, I am not only talking about the kissing and playing part of the job. Yes, he is working and that is great that he is working to pay the bills and offer both of you a better life. However, it does not rid his job as a parent. I mean, he would need to work either way, it is a part of life, and once you have a baby it is a part of life to take care of them. You need your time. If you still love your boyfriend and believe it is worth working it out, talk to him. Sit down and explain to him how you feel. Do not argue, listen to him. Draw up a responsibility chart, something simple, for yourself. This way when you bring it to the table you know exactly what you would like him to do. Men are selfish, especially, if they were raised in a family where the woman did everything for them. You need to teach him as crazy as that might sound. It took a lot of arguments and talks before my husband realize it. Hope everything works out. And take time out for yourself, you deserve it!!

Natalie - posted on 08/24/2010

Totally agree with Jennifer. Men need to be told specifically what they have to do to help. They can't relate to vague generalisations!

Besides, if he only works 4 - 5 days a week, what does he do on the other days?

Magaly - posted on 08/24/2010

@ Elizabeth, being a parent is a 24 hr job for both parents. And by no means was I trying to imply that he be let off the hook. But being the sole source if income has its own set of stresses that the SAHP won't know until they are in that position. That's why she needs to find out what he is going through too. Communication is key.

Nikki - posted on 08/24/2010

When our children were this little we literally made a schedule that fit our needs. I had scheduled naps, and we always scheduled who would get up in the middle of the night. We rotated it, so some weeks I got up every other night, and then we would switch it to I got up Monday - Wed, and he would get up Thursday - Sunday. We found that it was easier to deal with if we had the "nights off" to look forward to. As far as during the day, you bf needs to figure out that we can all multi task. We get lay the little one in a pac in play and wash the dishes. I always put music on and was singing while doing house work with the baby because if my kids could hear me singing or heard music, they knew I was still around, even though they couldn't see me. I did compromise with my husband because he wasn't so good at the multi tasking, but as long as I got 2 hours to nap, or clean or call an old friend, I had to learn to let the cleaning side go. This was hard for me, to be out to dinner with a friend and come home to a messy house. But still, your time away is worth it. We scheduled these breaks too, and they were usually 1 break per week. Keep talking to your bf, I find that unless I say it direct, my husband has no clue.

Marla - posted on 08/24/2010

What would happen if you said "You need to watch our child for 10 minutes while I take a shower"?

Ashley - posted on 08/24/2010

My husband is in the military, his job is 24/7...so a tad differant. Plus I am away from family. I would say once in awhile get a family member or babysitter so you can have you time. I had to take care of my son while my husband was deployed my son was only 4 months old when he left. He came back when he was 18 months. If I didn't go back home I would've probably lost my dang on mind LOL> I say talk to him (without an attitude or yelling) and ask him if he can help to at least once a week SOMETHING!! People shouldn't have to run on 2-4 hours sleep, its unhealthy and pretty soon you will see your mood change, you could get depressed, detached from baby its a spiral. Just take care of yourself and let him know how you feel.



Best of luck!!

Kelly - posted on 08/24/2010

Cheyenne, I was in your position exactly 6 months ago. I know how you feel - and its important to know that you're not alone. It's also important for you to know that you have options.

First off, make sure that you are communicating as best you can with your partner - I know it's hard it he's not listening but you need to give him a chance to change.

Second, before you go fully down the break up path - try taking a break from each other. Chances are, he'll realize how much he misses you and you guys can give it another go.

I broke up with my partner when our son was 6 months old. Communication wasn't working and I felt it needed to be done. Having said that, things are really hard now. Both of us are pretty miserable and trying to schedule time to spend with our son is really rough. While we are civil with each other and don't fight in front of our son, I'm worried about the effects this will have on him because he's so young and can't communicate.

It's really important that you take these factors into consideration before making any moves.

If you need to chat, or advice, please feel free to email me at kelly@kellybaker.ca. I wish I'd had someone to talk to when I was there. Best of luck.

Heidi - posted on 08/24/2010

Sounds like everyone here has good answers for you. It's VERY rough in the begining and guys don't have the maternal instincts the ladies do. I used to get on my husband during the first years with our daughter but eventually I learned that I had to ask him to help and tell him exactly what I need him to help me with. He has on quite a few occasions told me he's not a mind reader. ;o)
My suggestion is for you is together come up with a plan that both of you can handle. Tell him where you need help and see what ideas he can come up with and if he just doesn't have any clue then you are the "Nurturer" need to tell him how he can help you. Psychologically men don't have these instincts because they originally were the hunters and gatherers....and protectors. The shower thing is gross but hey, you're a new Mom and after going through labor and lack of sleep anyone is bound to lose thier ability to figure out how to fit everything in. You're not at all alone in this. Someone suggested you leave your son in another room in a playpen...good idea! There's nothing wrong with having him in another room...you can get a baby monitor or keep the door open to the bathroom. And don't fret if he starts to cry....you need to learn that it's ok for babies to cry here and there. You will get to know what he's crying for over time and learn when to let him do it for short periods of times to get him used to comforting himself. I hope this helps and try to enjoy these years....they go by FAST! =o)

Marcy - posted on 08/24/2010

I say stop doing things for HIM. Honestly, if he can't help take care of his child, then you need to make him do things for himself...we all know he won't let his own hunger or laundry go unnoticed. And when he starts to complain to you about it, you can tell him why you've stopped helping him out...because he's stopped helping you out. Not only does he need to step up and be a good father, but it sounds like he needs to step up and be a good boyfriend. Who said becoming a parent means you are no longer supposed to be a husband or boyfriend...would you stay with him if he were this lazy before the kid?

Melissa - posted on 08/24/2010

you need to just do everything for yourself and the baby. nothing for him. lol. when i was younger and had one baby and my husband worked...i stayed at home. i think he thought that just bc i didn't ahve a paying job outside of the home...that i had it easy.
i told him all that i did....the sleep that i got, etc. it still didn't really click until i stopped doing things for him. when i went to the store, i only bought food for me and baby, only washed me and baby's dishes, only fed myself and baby (no family meals), only did mine and baby's laundry. eventually he realized everything that i did for him and started doing more for himself. and me.

now we have 4 kids and both work. he does half and i do half. it's much better!

Elizabeth - posted on 08/24/2010

No offense to Magaly, but I hated that attitude of it was my job. I don't know any other job on the face of this earth you are expected to be at 24/7. It shouldn't be expected because someone is a stay at home parent.

Magaly - posted on 08/24/2010

you really need to talk to him. He may feel stressed as well being the only one working. I have the opposite situation. My husband stays home and I work. I feel all the pressure to provide for my family is on me and it is stressful. I understand babies are a handful but neither one of us has gone without a shower. Your bf can spare 30 min to an hour for you to shower. However, I know how this is going to sound so don't get mad, this is your job. I think the stay at home parent should do the bulk of the housework and childcare. The working partner should help out and give the SAHP a break. Ideally the working parent will help with keeping things in place and give the other parent alone time. But you really need to talk to him and find out what he is thinking too. Like others have suggested find a sitter so you can have some you time. I send my husband on errands alone and tell him to take his time so he can get away.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/24/2010

I went through that when I had my twins. I seethed until they were 2 and we came very close to divorcing at that time because I let all that anger build up. We were eventually able to work things out but he still never really contributed much in terms of child rearing until the kids were 4 and I went back to school.

Alison - posted on 08/24/2010

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum unless you are willing to go through with it. As a single parent myself it is hard but as others have said simply but your child in his cot for 10 mins while you shower, nothing is going to happen to him. Ask your partner to babysit 1 night a week whilst you go out with friends or even just to get out of the house on your own, this will surely lift your mood.

You need to tell him it's his turn once in a while or even tell him on the days he doesn't work that he gets up with him in the night. Be more direct.

I know loads of people I put suggestions, I hope you find some that are suited to you!

Good luck! x

Amanda - posted on 08/24/2010

Okay I realize that everyone has been pointing fingers and saying it's your job and it is, but people have a little understanding. I have been there and know what no sleep can do to you. You are entirely irritated all the time, everything bothers you and is a BIG DEAL. It takes all your energy just to pick up the baby and stop him from crying. It takes even more energy to let him cry. My son is now almost a year, and I pretty much went through the same thing, the only exception being that I actually am a single mother.

The first thing you need to do is sleep. It is the key to everything. Everyone was right you do need a break, but it sounds like you need a break to sleep! I do not know how your sleeping arrangments are set up, but lay the baby down his the room make sure he is safe then go lay down on the couch set a timer for 20 minutes and just relax. Make sure to close the door behind you. He will be fine for 20 minutes and it will teach him self reliance and independence. It will feel so much better. Babies are usually happiest right after they eat. After you feed him his lunck or breakfast, lay him down and take a shower. I had this little girrafe bouncy sear for my son, I would stick it right in the door frame and jump in the shower. He would cry and I would make sure he was okay and keep on showering. It was a little aggravating that he didnt stop crying, but I learned that he loved singing or music. So sing while you are in the shower. It will make you feel better and the baby will like it too. If you have sleep and a shower it will give you a different perspective and you will already feel bettter. A quick question for you. What are you eating? If you do not have adequate nutrition you will feel tired too. Your nutrition is just as important at this stage as it was when you were pregnant. Your body is still recuperating from being pregnant. Talk to your doctor, you may need to take iron pills; I had to and still have to, it really helps with your energy level. You should still be taking your prenatals as well. Also drink plenty of water, being dehydrated makes you tired as well.

My son would not sleep though the night was up every two hours a night and took 15 naps a day for the first 3 months of his life. It was.... an interesting experience. What really helped was changing sleeping positions. I know the doctors say they want baby on his back or side, but the only way my son sarted sleeping was when Iayed him on his tummy. It his favorite sleeping position now. I believe you said your son was sitting up. Then he can push up enough to be okay to be sleeping on his tummy. Try it and see how it works. I tried it and was rewarded on Dec 24 the best night of sleep in my entire life. Maybe a little dramatic, but it felt like it at them time. My son slept from 9:00 to 8:00 in the morning. The nex t day he was back to 15 minute naps and sleeping at 2 1/2 hour intervals at night. It was really slow going. His sleep schedule gradually improved, sleeping about 5 hours at night and no naps during they until he was about 7 months. Also I had to realize that just because he was waking up didnt mean he was hungry alot of time he just wanted to make sure I was still there. Start trying type of sleep training

Now my son sleeps from about 8 to 7 and takes 2 two hour naps a day. The difference is that he is really moving now. My son never crawled he skipped right to walking. He started sleeping longer when he started moving. He loved being in his walker and running around in it would wear him out.

One last thing. Every situation and baby is different what I told you I did may not neccesarily work for you. I just told you things from my recent experience. I also told you thing that helped me as a single mother, my parent watch my son 3 days a week so I can work and provide for my son and thats pretty much all the help I get from them. You are living with your boyfriend, he should be helping! Especially if it is his child!! You should use what my psychology teacher called the DESC method.
D- Describe the problem
E- Explain how you feel
S- Specify what needs to be done
C- Make consequesnces known
This is not an ultimatum if you approach the situation calmly with an open mind. Most marriage counselors will use this method or a similar method when confronting problems. The point is you have to talk to him, he may not even know it is a problem.

Hope things get better for you! Before long this will all be a memory, but you do not want to have a boyfriend around that is not willing to help with the raising of that baby. So do something about that problem soon.

Megan Brown - posted on 08/24/2010

I've had the shower problem too! Take it when he sleeps! Yes, YOU NEED THAT MUCH! I was at 2 a week and it was driving me insane. My 2 teen daughters didn't want to give me that time, finally I took it and they accepted it. I just had to be firm. I hope something works out for you soon. You have tons of responses and I can't read them all. HUGS@@@

Kelly - posted on 08/24/2010

I think you are well within reason to discuss with him what you both feel is fair and appropriate in a non-attacking way. If you can sit him down and explain to him that you understand he works and is tired, but so do you and you need more help, how can we come to a compromise here? Work together and you'll get much farther! But yes, I do agree, he should help you when he can - either by running errands or having specific tasks he completes on a daily basis such as picking up the groceries on the way home from work or doing a load of laundry (including drying and putting away) each day. Men seem to respond better when they have clearly identified and outlined 'tasks' to perform. I would start with those types of suggestions. Good luck!

Demi - posted on 08/24/2010

Take a deep breath. I know it's hard. My aunt has a wonderful husband of almost 20 years now and he never helped one bit for either of the kids. It just wasn't his thing at least not until they were each about 3 years old. She most often wanted to kill him but he really supports the family and has turned out to be a wonderful father.

My son's father used to do the same thing in the beginning. So in order to get a shower myself when he came home to take a shower I would strip our kid and hand him to him right in there. Then I jumped in. We both took turns washing and holding the baby and each other. It turned out to be great family time and we really bonded.

The important thing to remember is men shut down when we are emotional. Just talk to him tell him you need him and tell him when times you need him at. Sometimes they are oblivious especially when we expect them to read our minds.

I hope it works out!

Anita - posted on 08/24/2010

You may not like my reply,but it sounds to me that you're the one who needs to change. If I had someone waiting on my every meal, doing all my cooking and cleaning etc, etc I wouldn't want to rock that boat either. It sounds like you allowed a situation to happen and now you don't like it. First of all, I think you put to much stock in how clean your house needs to be. No baby only sleeps 4 hours in a 24 hour period. Sleep when he sleeps. When your husband gets home, just say 'sorry you'll have to cook tonite, I had to catch up on some sleep.' or 'you'll have to do your own laundry, I worked on scrubbing the floor today.' As far as a shower goes...if his body is actually in the house, pass him the baby and say' I'm taking a shower' . But keep in mind he has a full time job outside the house, and you have a fulltime job inside the house.

MARGE - posted on 08/24/2010

You keep saying my son, first of all it is his son as well and just the fact that he is still your "boyfriend" shows his committment level to this family. So I don't really think it's the work thing. It's time for him to be a real man and show his committment to you and his family.

Kaylee - posted on 08/24/2010

Girl, I am in the same boat... 3 years in, 9 month old baby girl and (surprise!) another one on the way. My boyfriend works 7 am-3 pm everyday and when he gets home, goes straight to the PC to play world of warcraft. He leaves either his parents or I to care for our daughter. I am so sick and tired of him not only not helping, but not being a part of her life.

I use the same reasoning with my boyfriend. I am glad he gets to clock out at 3 pm but my job continues WELL beyond that. One difference between yourself and I is that I go back to my parents house if he ignores us. It shows him I am not going to sit around and wait for his raid or whatever he does on there to be done. I spend more time at my parents than with him because he is so boring to be around. Its not fun seeing the back of his head all day everyday.

I don't know what to do. He gets really uptight and angry if I tell him to spend time with us and get off the computer because "he has worked hard all day and deserves some downtime."

Carly - posted on 08/24/2010

Negotiate and then strike. Men do not co-operate, they negotiate. However, I too struggle with getting hands to help and I threatened my husband with a strike. Certain things you do feed baby, yourself, bath baby and yourself.
Take that seriously or not. On another note, TAKE IT EASY ! Soon baby will be big and you will have more time for yourself, some nights I jump in the shower / or bath with baby (6months) and my 5 year old, we all have fun and get clean in half the amount of water. Cook bigger portions and freeze half, use your energy to make your life easier. Remember if you give him the ultimatum, and he does choose the later, you will still have to do everything and your life will still not be any easier ( GET CREATIVE: Hense my strike suggestion or let him do his own laundry!)

Lyn - posted on 08/24/2010

You can't shower when your child is sleeping? I find that hard to believe!

Christina - posted on 08/24/2010

I had this same problem up until my Daughter was a month old. I couldn't get my fiance' to do anything except hold her every once in a while. One day we desperately need some flour and he didn't want to go get it so I told him I would go get it but he had to watch the baby. Then he jumped quickly and wanted to go get it I told him no it has been decided I am going to get it. I left my phone on the table and I said if you need anything call your mother. I wasn't gone 2o minutes and when I got back he was feeding her a bottle. Now he asks for her to stay with him when I go somewhere. :):) You will figure things out.

Beth - posted on 08/24/2010

Oh I feel your pain!!!
First, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Yes, you should talk to him but you've got to get all your ducks in a row before you do. Make some notes or a list of what you need - specifics that he can do to help you. You've got to be really specific and even though you want to strangle him - rightfully so, you cannot attack him/yell/scream because he's only going to shut down and not be helpful. I hope this makes sense. Don't be confrontational and give him any reason NOT to help you.
I find if I give my husband exactly what I need - wash the floor/clean the bathroom/vacuum the living room he does it. If I say "i need help cleaning" he doesn't understand what the means. stupid, I know!
And, you've got to get more sleep - tell him he's got to get up and take the baby so you can sleep. But, make sure he's knows what to do with the baby when they are alone so he's not waking you asking questions. Do you have help - family around you? friends? anyone that could take the baby for a few hours? What about a baby sitter? once a week? or what about a maid to help clean? Craigs List has people (normal people LOL) looking for extra money that will clean for you. Just an idea. And, don't feel gross about the showering - we've all been there. I've taken baths with the kids so I can get cleaned up - and baby wipes have saved the day on more than one occasion! Also, don't be afraid to let your baby cry while he's strapped safely in the bouncy seat while you shower. We've all been there - and sometimes its necessary. Hang in there - it will get better.

Vickie - posted on 08/24/2010

I suggest the two of you sit down and talk...

Most men not all. see women as being sole caregiver to a child. but there is nothing wrong with him helping some... if you are a family then you are a family and all things are shared...
Talk perhaps about a time you can agree on that you can simply go and unwind and that he can help you in that area... maybe sharing folding laundry and putting it away together or something... but its always better to talk things out before it becomes an agrument

Carmell - posted on 08/24/2010

Girl suck it up. U not married. He doesn't have to help. I'm married with 5 kids stay home Angeles my husband is only here on the weekend. I get no help. I'm stuck. U r not. Leave and file for child support.

Ashleigh - posted on 08/24/2010

OK, First off, his having a job doesn't mean jack SHIT, pardon the language. And second, DON'T just live for your child. You NEED to take care of yourself too. I learned that lesson the hard way. I'm a stay at home mom myself, and Kayleigh HATES playpens. So what I did was I got her this chair thing that has toys hanging over it that vibrates like a car ride and strapped her into it every time I went in to a shower. And our bathroom is TINY. That sucker fit in there with no problems at all. It was a godsend. Try looking for one of those at like WalMart or something.

As for the issue with the boytoy, my husband works full time for a call center. He helps me out every chance he gets. I do admit I have to force him on a few things from time to time, but he's there when it counts. So I say ya, definitely give him an ultimatum. Tell him he helps or you walk. I certainly would if Eddie were doing that to me. Hell I'd take a baseball bat to his head THEN do it. But that's just me lol. Plus he knows that if he were to pull that kind of crap both my mother AND grandmother would be on him like white on rice. And they are SCARY when they get pissed.

Ryan - posted on 08/24/2010

I have a two year old and a 6 month old and one on the way! I had a problem with my husband not really helping out too. He worked part-time and just didn't like to help with the kids without being told. His mom actually identified this and told he he needed to help. Maybe get an outside person that your husband respects to reinforce your thoughts. Make sure when you talk to him, that you recognize how hard he works too. Let him know you appreciate the long hard hours he puts in too, but that he gets to come home from his work and that yours is never ceasing! Ask him to volunteer one hour each day at any time at his convenience (except when the baby is sleeping) for him to be in charge and you get to do whatever you want. Sleep, shower, read. DON'T do housework. If he starts giving excuses why he can't, like mine did, make sure he realizes he is saying no to one hour per 24 hour period with his son. Also, your son should be sleeping 15 hours per 24 hour period. I would ask your ped. if your son is only sleeping a couple of hours. That is not healthy. When my daughter was 6 months old and I had only her, I thought life was so hard because I was working from home too. The reality was I wasn't planning my days out well, wasting time, and life was just harder than it was without her. Write down a daily schedule that includes the one hour with your boyfriend and his naps. Write out housework, when to check email or computer time, walks, gym, whatever you normally do. Hope some of this might help. I think an ultimatum is out of the question. What is the alternative? Working two jobs and taking care of your baby? recognize his input. One day your son will be 5 or 10 and he will think you're riding down easy street. Final advice, join a small church in your area with a loving sense of community. My church family has helped me tremendously.