Should i go to my stepson's school functions?

Stefany - posted on 08/21/2012 ( 565 moms have responded )

10

0

0

My stepson is 5 and he is starting kindergarten this year. I have been around him and taking care of him since he was 2 and my husband has 50/50 custody. We also have another child together. Do you think it is okay for me to go along to his parent teacher conferences if he and his son want me too? I feel i should go since i am going to be helping him with schoolwork etc. the time he is with us.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 08/23/2012

1

12

0

Of course you should go,children dont see all the legal crap that goes with seperation so he just sees that you are there and willing to participate and that you dont see him any different than the child you and your husband have together!!

Dove - posted on 08/21/2012

6,226

0

1337

Do you have a decent relationship with the mother? If so, then I don't see a problem with you being there... though I'd ask her how she feels about it. If you and her do not have a decent, working relationship then I would say to not be there and just have your husband fill you in on anything.

That is assuming that the mother will also be at these conferences, of course.

Anna - posted on 08/23/2012

3

12

1

The most important aspect here is not how the birth mom would feel about it, nor how you or your husband feel about it, but how your step son would feel about it. If he lives with you half the time, yet you go to functions for your joint child, but not for him, you'll break his heart. He's already been through a divorce, although at a young age, and he really shouldn't have to feel less important than his half sibling. He might be able to hide the hurt, but it would likely hurt nonetheless, and will risk breaking down your relationship with your step son. We have found it critical to be overly "fair" between our joint children and step children (we have 2 of each).

Also, be respectful to the birth mom, and introduce yourself as his step mom when asked. It may seem odd, but not referring to yourself as his "mom" in front of his birth mom will be respectful, and hurt her less, and it also shows your step son that it's an ok reference and distinction.

If you think there may be tangible tension between your two families, then you need to work that out in advance if possible, or in parallel to gradually improve things. Things were odd for us in the beginning, but we've worked things out now, and while we'll never be best friends, we are polite and respectful. Once we looked at it from the kids' perspective, it was easy to choose the for them best route. And we have to deal with things to make that happen - not the other way around :-)

Oh, and remember, if there is lots of tension, just kill it with kindness. It really helps deflate the issues. Best wishes!

And to the birth moms who have a step mom in the picture as well, just remember that we're engaged for the child's sake. We're not trying to take your spot - you're the (birth) mom. Nothing can change that. We're just another parent who cares for your child.

Judith - posted on 08/23/2012

28

17

0

If you've been taking care of him as a mother since he was 2, then,continue being a mother to him, attend his parent teacher conferences, cheer him on when he's in school or play.

Just go ahead and be a mother to him, as you've been since he was 2.

Every other issue will sort itself out with time, his progress is all that really matters.

Maureen - posted on 08/23/2012

1

15

0

Absolutely not! The parents should attend and the father can fill you in. Even though you care for the child you signed up for that when you got together with the dad. It's not your place. Keep it respectful. Imagine if the tables we're turned. Best of luck.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

565 Comments

View replies by

Amanda - posted on 09/04/2012

2

8

0

You have every right to be a part of his life. If you have a hand in raising him, that is part of the responsibility. When you became his stepmom you became his advocate also.

Sherrianne - posted on 09/04/2012

3

0

2

I sincerely think you should be an active positive role in your step sons life by attending all of his school functions with his father. It will give him a warm sense of securitty that will last a life time.

Ryann - posted on 09/04/2012

3

9

0

It depends on the child's mother. School performances & sporting events I think you should definitely attend. Your stepson will appreciate that more. I'm assuming his mother will be at parent/teacher conferences? I would leave that to his parents & you attend the fun activities where you don't have to sit with & interact with the ex. My husbands ex-wife has forbidden him to bring me along to any school performances. I don't agree & neither does my husband but we go along with it to keep her quiet! She has sabotaged visits & vacations many times already so I'll keep her happy in order to have regular visits with him as a family. No ex-wife wants to hear the opinions of wife #2 when it's concerning her own child. Hopefully you're not dealing with the type of beast that we are! Nothing could benefit a "divorced" child more than all the involved adults getting along & working together for the good of him & everyone. I also have a child with my husband & honestly, I think she has been the one to suffer the most. All she wants is to be with her brother but when the beast is feeling that he's getting too close to us....she pulls him back. If she had it her way (& she's said it with her own mouth), my stepson shouldn't have anything to do with me or his sister. "We're not his family,,only his father should be spending time with him". THAT should never be the case with any divorced family! Good luck & keep on being an attentive, loving step-mother. All you can do is what's right, you won't change her!

Elizabeth - posted on 09/04/2012

9

5

0

You should absolutely go. You are his second mom and love him as though he is your own. You shoul be there for him in every way. A mature group should support this.

Michelle - posted on 09/04/2012

1

0

0

Yes!! You should definately go if your husband wants you there. Your stepson can only benefit from having more involved and caring parents in his life. My hubby and I have been married for 5 years and I attend every school and sporting function that I can for my 14 yo stepson. And he does understand that all 4 of his parents/step-parents want to be involved and love and care about him.

Athena - posted on 09/04/2012

1

0

0

of course!..you are one of his parents and you have the right and duty to be evolved.... if you dont have a relationship with his mom..as i do not with my step daughter then request of the teacher that mom and dad have seperate conferences..many split homes do this already...then you can be an active part of his education and life with out being made uncomfortable..or making the mom uncomfortable...def go to all school plays,ect..he wants you to be there for support..you are part of his life.

Cris - posted on 09/04/2012

2

0

0

Hi Stefany,



I have a 17 year old Step Daughter. I have been in her life since she was 21 months old and i have attended absolutely everything despite the fact that her mother and i don't see eye to eye on anything. Now that she is grown up, she has told me how much it has meant to her that I came to everything. it made her feel special and important and loved. My advice would be to do whatever you would do if he was your own child. Good luck! :)

Victoria - posted on 09/04/2012

3

32

0

This is all about the relationship that you plan on having with this child throughout their life. I had a stepmother. She was there for me every step of the way and I thank her so much for that. My mother and father were also a part of all of my school functions. I always told them that they just had to get along. They had decided to get a divorce and remarry. This new person is also responsible for my life and well-being. During these situations, they would just have to find a way to get around their differences and be there for ME, not for themselves. Please be there for the child. They need every ounce of support that they can get. They also need to know that EVERYONE in their lives are going to be supportive. If you do not get along with the mother, then politely tell her that you are not there for her, but for the child. Then, walk away and be happy.

Annette - posted on 09/04/2012

2

0

0

Yes. You should go to all school functions. You are allowed.



As far as parent/teacher conferences go, it's probably best for you and your husband to request your own time for a conference. Teachers do this all of the time nowadays. As one of the caretakers for your step-son you should be informed regarding how his schoolwork is going, as well as how he's behaving in school. You should be just as informed as his father, since you live in the same house.

Kathiren - posted on 09/04/2012

4

19

1

He is a lucky young man to have a 2nd mother who cares so deeply for him.My Feeling would be that you though very careful about what is best for him.If you going to the teacher conferences would help your stepson and and his mother is ok with that then go for it.If however your presents result in disagreement between your husband and your stepsons mother It will make your stepsons life much more stressful then any 5year old deserves.If you do not attend and feel like you need more information to help your stepson better I am sure your husband could sign a information realize for so that you could speak to his teacher at another time.Good luck

Bella - posted on 09/04/2012

4

45

1

deffinatly! it shows your willing to support him & willing to go the ”extra mile”. it also proves love & dedication to your commitment. i think its important to go to stepchildren's school functions, to let then know you want to be there for them.



plus, you've been taking care of him with your husband for 3 years,, and your now blood related to him via his half brother, your husband felt comfortable & committed to you enough to have another child with you, stating that he trusts your parenting capabilities, you should deffinatly go to school things! eventually your biological son & step son will be in school together, it'll be, kinda hard (& look bad) to only go to your biological sons school events.



(just my opinion, hope it helps a little)



i have 2 - 15 year old step children. 1 boy 1 girl.

& 3 sons with their dad (:

Cristina - posted on 09/04/2012

5

15

0

Hi! I give you props because it is not easy raising someone else's child. I think you should attend all functions you possibly can. It makes a world of difference to the child to see that you are involved in his life and that you care about him. It also helps to avoid the jelousy issues that can arrise from having a younger sibbling that only shares one parent. If the mother doesn't feel comfortable or does not like you to be there, then you and your husband should have separate parent teacher conferences. As far as the child's functions... honey, this is a free country and you have the right to be there! You being involved in his schooling is very important your son. Don't let the mother's attitude push you away from being involved. You might not be his mother, but you are as much his mom as she is! Good luck!

Tina - posted on 09/04/2012

4

6

0

Go, I am to a step mom and my now 19 year old Daughter thanks me for being there for her. I have raise her 50/50 from 3 yrs to 5 yrs. old, then we had her thru the school week. I made sure to invite her mother who was pretty hand off when it came to school and even before that I put her in Dance and invited her mother to the shows in which she never attended one recital. It was sad :( since I also invited her grandmother and aunts who were pleasant to me but I'm sure did not like me much either, even though she left the relationship. Now she has moved out of state far away and my daughter doesn't have a relationship with her at all.

Mary - posted on 09/04/2012

26

19

0

Yes if you are helping him and have been caring for him then yes you should go to the school functions.

Now on parent/teacher conferences you and your husband can set up a different time from his ex to go to the conference. I work for a school district and parents have had to do this along with 2 separate papers or notes for parents to sign that get sent home for both set of parents.

Good luck to you guys and you are a good mom to want to be there and give your step son the support he needs.

Lois - posted on 09/04/2012

4

13

0

Yes you should go to his school functions, scouts events, sporting events. Especially if you have been here for him. If you love him as if he was your own birth child. Yes yes yes go. I have a fantastic relationship with my step-daughter and have had one since she was 5. I love her as if she was my own birth child. Even now that her dad and I are not together. She and still talk and send pics and text. She is going to be 20 in November. She and my boys are the best things in my life. Enjoy your relationship with him and let him know that no matter what you will be there for him.

Michelle - posted on 09/04/2012

31

13

2

I always went to everything for my step kids with my husband, and I've never had a "great" relationship or even decent with his ex. It wasn't always comfortable, but the kids look back at it now... 7 years later, as I was ALWAYS there. Do what you feel is right, and important. Don't put your ego, or hers in front of the question of whether or not you go... make the kids the priority.

Amber - posted on 09/04/2012

3

0

0

She'll regret it if she causes problems with the biological mother. It is always best to make sure that she is comfortable with it first. That is the "smartest" way to do it. :)

Sandi - posted on 09/04/2012

4

9

0

ABSOLUTELY YOU SHOULD GO!! You go for that little one, and you go for your husband, but most of all go for yourself.. I am sure you would not regret it.Good luck with your decision.

Amber - posted on 09/04/2012

3

0

0

I say if, and only IF, the biological mom is okay with it. Step moms have no business attending these types of things if the actual mom has a problem with it. Be respectful to her and stay out of it if she wishes.

Leslie - posted on 09/04/2012

5

20

0

If you are on good terms with the ex wife, then talk to her to see if she has a problem with you participting. That is a touchy situation, bec there is a line that can be crossed where the mom may feel like you are trying to fill her shoes, take her place, or "play momma" to the child, and that's no place for a step-parent to be.

Danie'l Marie - posted on 09/04/2012

4

3

0

Yes! You are just as much apart of his life as his mother and father are. In a perfect world, it would awesome if all adults that are a major part of a child life can not only be in the same room and work toward what is best for the child and let go of all the ugly.

Darlene - posted on 09/04/2012

6

0

0

How is your relationship with his mom? If it is a good one then it may be cool. My son's step-mom doesn't attend such meetings (neither does my ex) but I have full custody (so that may make a difference). You may just allow them to attend the meeting and find out from your husband the information shared at the meeting. This way you can still be involved because you know what the expectations of his teacher. I just think if you have to ask about going it may mean that you're not on good grounds with his mom and frankly that can be a problem. Kids deserve for the adults to get along so that functions like these are not uncomfortable for anyone (especially the kids).

My father-in-law recently passed: his wife (my exes "step mom") told me that "I would be sitting up in the front with the family" (my son was so happy) and "she didn't care who had something to say about it." However she called me back to re-track the invite cause she didn't "want my exes wife to be uncomfortable." Now my son was not happy and "didn't want me sitting by myself" so he "didn't want to sit in the front anymore." I told him that it was ok and that he was there to say good-bye to his grand-dad. At 8 he's my protector (smile). I shared with my mother-in-law however she wants to do it is fine with me (I originally thought I'd be sitting in the back anyway until she gave her personally invite). I guess she thought she had to protect any problems but I shared with her that me and wife #2 didn't have any problems with each other (at least none I'm aware of) - that the last time we saw each other she hugged me (of course my ex wasn't around, smile!!). But now our son didn't want to sit in the front either. She said she wasn't thinking when she told me to sit up front because she didn't want wife #2 to be uncomfortable like she used to be with events that included my exes mom.

Long story short I sat in the back (where I was going to sit before being invited to sit with the family) and sent my son up with the family as they walked down the aisle. I say this to say whatever you do just make it easy on yourself and everyone else. Be flexible. Guess what? At the church and burial site wife #2 hugged me and thanked me for coming. So what others try to make out to be a problem doesn't have to be a problem after all. You see there was not a problem to be concerned over but at the same time I wasn't going to stress myself or anyone else out. My being there to say good-bye to my father-in-law and be supportive to my son, mom-in-law, and even my ex and the entire family was what was important. She invited me because of the nature of OUR relationship (I was close to her and my father-in-law, we stay in touch, send cards, pictures, meet up so my son can spend the night etc.). The new wife apparently didn't know my father-in-law like that. Unless something had changed, they had never met her from what they shared with me? So don't let confusion play a role in anything and always do what is going to make a positive impact on the kids.

Lisa - posted on 09/04/2012

3

0

0

Give him all the support that you are aloud to give. If I were you, I would always be there for him. It will give a life time impression of you showing him that you care about him. You don't want him to feel rejected. Besides he is going through. Children need all the love and understanding the can get so that they grow into an emotional balanced adult. Anyway you actually answered your own question. If you are a Godly woman you have the answers.

JavaMama - posted on 09/04/2012

5

0

1

Every situation is different. In my case, when my son was still in his elementary years I remember a time when my ex's new wife told my son's teacher that she would be room parent. While I was respectful of her desire to be involved in his school I resented her pushiness very much but I kept quiet because I did not want to create any uncomfortable drama for my son. I never wanted him to feel that we were all fighting over him, it was already an awkward situation for him. Fortunately, this type of behaviour from her didn't last long when she discovered it wasn't her forte after all.



All that to say if his mother is ok with you attending then do so, but maybe defer to her first. Children are so perceptive and they will pick up on any negative vibes that come from all of you. His needs, emotional security, and well being should always be top priority for everyone. You could explain to the teacher the situation and to make sure that notes are always sent home so that you can remain informed because in reality there will be times when your husband will not relay all necessary information to you.

Alison - posted on 09/04/2012

1

0

0

Absolutely! As a step daughter at a very young age, I wanted the same attention and love from my stepmother as I got from my 'real' mom.

As a mother now - I know how you feel ... but as a step daughter I didn't know that different kinds of love existed. Hope this makes sense.

Beth - posted on 09/04/2012

178

0

8

If you/your husband and the child's mother really do have a 50/50 custody arrangement, then you by all means should be a part of these things. You are enough of a parent to him and have enough say in his schooling that it would seem silly to me for you not to go. And as he grows up, if he sees that you're involved, he will take you more seriously as a parent, and have more respect for you than if you're just that other lady his dad is married to. I hope that his mother has an open mind about this, for his sake.

Amy - posted on 09/04/2012

55

0

2

Stefany,



You should definitely go to the school functions. Especially parent teacher conferences. If you are married to his father, a part of the child's life, and he lives with you 50% of the time, you should be included in any decision that is made for him and his schooling/life. You are going to be helping with his homework and other things and that means you need to be in the loop. The only way to keep yourself updated and to really know what is required of him is for you to make sure you are included and present. You have to know what's going on in order to help. You may not be his bio mom but his father chose you to be part of the family and as long as you are then you need to be included. If his bio mom isn't cool with it maybe she can call the teacher and request that there are separate meetings. One for you and his father and one for her. Then everyone is included and everyone can stay involved. If the mom isn't respectful of the fact that you are the stepmom and are going to be involved, then she needs to grow up.

Laura - posted on 09/04/2012

5

0

0

She said in the first few comments that she does not respect her, calls her a liar

Laura - posted on 09/04/2012

5

0

0

You should respectfully decline to attend. Your husband will get any information you need. It is not about being right but about keeping peace for the sake of your stepson. It is obvious from your comments that you do not respect his mother or attempt to walk in her shoes.

Ali - posted on 09/04/2012

4

0

0

i think being around your step for the past three years will mean so much to him if you do attend his school functions. personally a mom to me is not about the biological mom, its about that woman who nurtured and cared for me! so its ok if you do atend his school functions.

Angie - posted on 09/04/2012

11

24

0

Absolutely~ you have a hand in his well being and what's best for him now- if the young man wishes for you to be there, by all means, it's about him and his security and well being.

Danielle - posted on 09/04/2012

12

0

0

If you have a relationship with your stepson and he wants you to go to his school functions, you should definitely go. From my experience, the more people in a child's life that take an interest in how they're doing in school, the better they'll try to do. Plus it's always easier to hear the information directly from the teacher than to rely on someone else to remember everything they said and pass it along to you.

Cheryl - posted on 09/04/2012

2

20

0

If you have a relationship with your stepson, by all means go, he might feel you don't care about him if you don't go. Still show that love.

Diana - posted on 09/04/2012

5

0

0

I have two stepsons ages 10 and 7, I've been apart of there lives for 6 years. I have never missed a school function. At first there mother wasn't to fond of it, but I am there step mother and it's about them and there needs. She now appreciates it because there were times she couldn't make it, or times they needed an emergency pick up. Go with what you feel is right you are the only person that knows the dynamics of the situtation.

Hollie - posted on 09/04/2012

4

0

0

Yea by all means! I have two kids by a man that already has two with another women we have been together for three years and he makes sure to include me in everything becauseim in their life as well.

Gerri - posted on 09/04/2012

5

0

0

It is important to the welfare of the child that he/she gets all of the love and support from every adult in their life. My husband was raised by his mother and because she and his step mother didn't get along, he missed out on valuable time with his father. If you love him and his child, which I'm sure you do, I would advise you to make sure that this is about the welfare of the child and not a power struggle between you and her. She may try to make it that way, but ultimately it's up to you to make a difference. Good luck, I wish you all well!

Gayla - posted on 09/04/2012

2

0

0

Yes Yes yes... be involved in all his stuff. Children should not have to pay for mistakes adults make! I have 3 daughters, 2 are mine and 1 is my husbands... when they were growing up I was involved in her life just as I was with my own girls. Children need alot of love... and support! All my girls are grown now, and I am still always there for all 3 of them....

Mischa - posted on 09/04/2012

39

0

0

Please don't take my posting as being harsh or judgemental because I am going off on the obvious here: you have his best interests at heart. BUT, and only but on the following circumstances: a. Mother gives written consent (easier to refute in court should a problem occurs later) b. she is hardly around (0% visitation avg) AND she is NCP.

You are the STEP Parent. Know your place and know your boundaries. That's great you are married to the father...but that does not imply that you get rights or even decision making rights. You cannot even so so much enroll him in a program or sign off on field trips! (I'll elaborate on this later as it pertains to legal custody matters). You are not a parent. You are overstepping your bounds IF you show up. If I was the mother in this case....I would be not only pissed but felt invaded. Especially, if I was CP! Also, the parents (not YOU) can LEGALLY make decisions about the child since all schooling matters, permissions, and consents, fall into the jurisdiction of LEGAL custody. What I do suggest you do, since you do help out with his schooling at home, is that give written feedback on all problems, challenges, concerns, questions and progress that you have observed. This gives the father something to take with him to the meeting so it appears that he is 100% informed and well supported by you. That is something that is incredeibly helpful to him and appreciated. I would definitely do that. It's better than getting an earful -or court time- from the mother. unnecessary drama. Good luck :-)

Meghan - posted on 09/04/2012

1

0

0

Greetings!

You've gotten some really great advice, I would also say to attend his school functions, the more loving support a child has, the better, be it from an aunt, uncle, grandparents or a stepmommy. Love is love, no matter who it comes from:). Good luck!

Mischa - posted on 09/04/2012

39

0

0

Please don't take my posting as being harsh or judgemental because I am going off on the obvious here: you have his best interests at heart. BUT, and only but on the following circumstances: a. Mother gives written consent (easier to refute in court should a problem occurs later) b. she is hardly around (0% visitation avg) AND she is NCP.

You are the STEP Parent. Know your place and know your boundaries. That's great you are married to the father...but that does not imply that you get rights or even decision making rights. You cannot even so so much enroll him in a program or sign off on field trips! (I'll elaborate on this later as it pertains to legal custody matters). You are not a parent. You are overstepping your bounds IF you show up. If I was the mother in this case....I would be not only pissed but felt invaded. Especially, if I was CP! Also, the parents (not YOU) can LEGALLY make decisions about the child since all schooling matters, permissions, and consents, fall into the jurisdiction of LEGAL custody. What I do suggest you do, since you do help out with his schooling at home, is that give written feedback on all problems, challenges, concerns, questions and progress that you have observed. This gives the father something to take with him to the meeting so it appears that he is 100% informed and well supported by you. That is something that is incredeibly helpful to him and appreciated. I would definitely do that. It's better than getting an earful -or court time- from the mother. unnecessary drama. Good luck :-)

Alisha - posted on 09/04/2012

1

58

0

Yes! I understand the uneasiness between split familes. But what child could not use more support. I think it's important to remember that you are a support. Make sure that you are not trying to take the place of his mother ( even though you may truly be filling in). It takes a village to raise children these days. Communicate and ask questions. Its okay to talk to your step children. It not only tells them that you care about them but that you respect their feelings. PT conferences may be one of those times that you sit out unless everyone's okay with you being there. Besides, it's harder on teachers with multiple inputs. Write down your questions and concerns if your uninvited. That way you'll still have some input. Always remember that its not about you. Yof are probably the " saving grace". It's not about you but more about who you are and the person you can be in the life of these children. Always be firm and gentle. Best wishes!

[deleted account]

Personally have been in that very situation ! Even though the ex and I were "polite" to eachother some schools will see the parents on different days &/or time if being in the same room is too much to handle.

Now that my stepson & daughter are adults now, always remember what is in the best interest of the child. If the ex is going to bad talk about you NEVER talk bad about the ex in front of the child or children. As they get older they will remember every word and feeling. Show respect and that doesn't mean you have to take any abuse from the ex just always take the high road.

So to respond to your question - YES go to all the events how little or small they are it will mean the world to the child and show how much you love him/her too !!

Jeana - posted on 09/04/2012

2

6

0

Yes you should--You are a big part of his life it is better to show up at events so the he knows that you are not going anywhere, and that you are there as a part of the support system. i am from a very dysfuntional broken home the only people I could count on that never left me where my grandparents- eventhough I lived in my mother's house didn't mean that she was there. The more envolved you are the better he will grow up seeing how everyone acts and he will be thankful that you where apart of his life and be greatful. Don't let a sourpuss baby momma get you in the way that just brings tension this is for him and his needs in the long run.

GUO - posted on 09/04/2012

1

0

0

I think it is good for you to go so that he could fill your company and you involved in all kinds of activitiess of his life. Don't make him disappointed when he needs you. Good luck!

Heather - posted on 09/04/2012

2

0

0

Yes. ..Wow there slot of people who don't think a step parent should go to their step Childers functions because of the other parent. I don't agree with that at all. I speak from.experience sometimes there is animosity between the bio mom and sometime there isn't but if the child wants her there which it's clearly said in her post SHE should be there because the CHILDS feelings should be the only concern that all the parents have it's just petty to say she can't go. To me that sounds like a last ditch effort at control from.an ex saying she can't go because of ? you can't tell me that ex wives wouldn't do that but they can subconsciously and probably wouldn't even notice until it was told to them then would they even care. As for it's their time together with their child maybe then should have.thought about.those things before they got a divorce moments like that stopped when they signed that line. ALL PARENTS INCLUDING STEPPARENTS SHOULD'VE INVOLVED IN ALL OF THEIR CHILDRENS EDUCATION. Especially if the CHILD wants them all there. End rant. ... I'm sorry I just feel strongly about Childrens emotion over our own selfish emotions.

  1. 1
  2. 2
  3. 3
  4. 4
  5. 5
  6. 6
  7. ...
  8. 12

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms