Should i go to my stepson's school functions?

Marie - posted on 09/02/2012

I don't think you have to answer to mother... if you are with the father and he is behind you 100 percent then that is all that matters... it is the child and the family you have not the mom to tiptoe around... if she has a problem. Let it be her problem!!!

Soibon - posted on 09/02/2012

To Ambir,

I am sorry are you speaking to me about what I said was out of line?

Marian - posted on 09/02/2012

Absolutely! You are a functioning part of the family and his life. If you share in the teaching and upbringing of the child then you should be active in all aspects.

Carol - posted on 09/02/2012

As long as his biological mother doesn't object, I think it's a great idea!

Ambir - posted on 09/02/2012

I agree with you.

Ambir - posted on 09/02/2012

I find what you said to be a little out of line. A child is a child. Step parents and parents should get along with each but they dont. I think u should rethink what you said becasue since I am a step parent I have been there through it all and myhusabnd as well. He is the step parent to my two kids.

Soibon - posted on 09/02/2012

Well I was in the same situation you are in now. I was the step-mother of a child that was 5 n I had a child with my Husband too. I was the one who did all the parent-teacher things with the child because my Husband was working all the time.... His daughter is now 11yrs old and we are very close my Husband has joint custody but the mother has not visited the child since she was 8yrs old. I think you should do as much as you can in their life when they are young so that when they grow up if they cannot come to their Father they know they can come to you because you were always there. This is whether you have a good relationship with the mother or not. You should be there because you are one of the co-parents and you should know how to work with the child with school work when he is in your home doing school work.

Marie - posted on 09/02/2012

I am a step mom of a wonderful son!! I have been in his life since birth and he calls me mom and i call him my son that god knew i wanted.. i treat him as if he were my own no different between him and my daughter.. i say if the mother doesn't like you or whatever you need to think about your relationship with the child. In situations like ours all involved need to grow up stop being petty and do right by the child. You are the mon when he is with you.. so no matter what ask yourself if you would miss your other children's activities?? This is no different and the mother should be happy that you love the child enough to want to do things like this... some have to deal with jealous hateful step moms.. and it only hurts the child.... i love my son and my daughter and would do anything for MY KIDS! Good luck and stop worrying what she thinks and worry about the child.. just because it's uncomfortable for the mom doesn't mean it is for the child.. he just knows that all of you for him..... ♥

Cassandra - posted on 09/02/2012

My husband and his first wife could never have children. Now he and I have 2 boys. She comes to the children's functions and is part of their lives. It's wonderful. Children need as many people as possible to love and care for them. The ex is an amazing women.

Tina - posted on 09/02/2012

From a legal stand point you are still a third party stranger and have no rights, legally it is called third party interference. But since you are contemplating the right thing to do, I personally would just ask mom. Inform her that the step-son wants you to go and that you feel if you are going to be helping with his homework it would help benefit you to help her son. An easy way to put it is ask if it is OK, and even offer to discuss with her what happens at the appointment time dad has, some things could be discussed different but since there are two different times keeping the communication open for the child is the most important. We all know dads sometimes forget stuff.

My husband sometimes goes to my kids appointments but at the same time dad lives in another state, never calls the kids, has his wife send me bashing emails, she even tried to run me over once with the kids in her car at drop off. I am also primary residential custodian, he (hubby) goes when he can but he will not ask questions, just there to get answers since first off he had the same teachers growing up, but for when he is asked for help with homework from one of the kids. If the tides were turned and the ex-husbands wife was not as crazy as she is (not me saying this she has a nickname through the county police department) I would ask her to go and relay the information to me. She has taken my kids to the eye doctors and dentists and gotten in big trouble from the guardian ad litem, she relayed the wrong information to both which can cause horrible side effects in the kids health and did it just to beat me to it (we have joint decision making so when I inform my ex about doctors, dentist, and such she makes an appointment and takes them). Anyway, teach the child that mom is mom, facilitate their relationship. This shows the child that you are trying to get along with mom and he is the one that is important.

My mom and step-mom met for the first time 5 years after my dad got remarried and it was weird. We had to pry them apart from chit chatting so much, they had fun together.

Nicole - posted on 09/02/2012

no, i don't think its your place to be there unless its okay by both parents of this child :) He has a mom and he has a dad, they are the primary parents, they take the final decision and step parents just need to support whatever decision was taken. If he has a deadbeat mother, someone who doesn't implicate herself in his life, I would totally say yes, but this doesn't seem to be the case since both have equal child custody. So my final answer is "no".

Sadly some step parents think they can overstep their roles.

Im not a step parent, but my child has a step-mother and sometimes it gets annoying when she crosses the line. My ex-spouse and myself raise our child our way and keep this way even if we are divorced because we both feel this is beneficial for our daughter. We are both implicated 100% in her life, however any teacher-parent meeting is, according to me, is for the mom and dad, not the step parents! You can attend Ballet recital, music concert, soccer games, etc..but other than that, I don't find it classy to see step parents wanting to take control of meetings as this one! Your husband can let you into the loop of what was said when he gets back from the P-T meeting.

Besides, you will need to stay at home with your other child, take care of your child and don't cross the line in the future! its annoying!!

Sara - posted on 09/02/2012

Stefany: We need to think what is best for the boy and not the parents, although we need to respect each other. The boy has received and welcomed you in his life, you have been there for him and his dad and he needs you in his life as much as anyone else, what if for any reason you have to go to school to pick him up or for any necessary reason, you have to know the school, the teachers. If his mother is uncomfortable and has shown that to you is up to her to feel it, but the boy needs care, protection and support from each one of the people involved in his life, eventually your child will go to school and may want to have older brother around. Sometimes we pay a lot of attention of what adults think and feel and we leave alone the child, even if we have to make a huge effort to handle each other it will be worth it for the ultimate goal, for the child to feel really good to start school, to feel supported and to start an important part of his life. Hugs and good luck

Rana - posted on 09/02/2012

Absolutely! I went to all of my step-sons school and sport activities. There were even times I was the one to go to conferences if his dad couldn't make it. If his mom went she set up a separate time. We did not get along at all but we either faked it for him or stayed away from each other. Our situation was a little different because most of the time she chose not to make him a priority. I guess I just went as a parent and never gave it much thought. Good luck

Kristin - posted on 09/02/2012

You are rhe adults and need to act as such for the child. I'm so sick of divorced parents not coming together for the benefit of the child. Boo hoo if you feel uncomfortable, act like adults. All people who love and are involved with the child, parents and step parents should be involved if they want to be. If you help him with school, you should be there. If she can't be grown up enough to have you at the conference, you and your husband can schedule one separetly. This is a teachers perspective.

Amy - posted on 09/02/2012

I would go as a step mother my self you are there through out his life and you are a participant to his schooling you have a right to know how well he's doing or if there is anything that needs help with etc if the mother is there then she too will see how well he's doing etc be happy of what your step son is achieving x

Annabel - posted on 09/02/2012

Unless there is a pressing need (eg your husband needs your help because of additional needs) why do both of you need to be there (at teacher conferences) if it going to cause issues ... your husband I take it is quite capable of communicating to you everything the school has to say. Divorced parents who are able to attend parents evening together do benefit the child in my experience, and it helps the school - half the class have seperated parents, you cannot expect to see every all those parents seperately. nobody is suggesting step parents don't have a big role to play, but keeping things cordial between ex's is for more important. We (still married a rarity around here) rarely both go to be honest, my husband trusts me to tell him and vice versa, the schools schduling means rarely can we both make it, and it hasn't done my kids any harm. This is not the same as for instance school plays, where as a main careegiver, of course you want to be there, but there is always a fine line with step parenting

Jodi - posted on 09/02/2012

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It doesn't matter if you are a stepmom, you should go especially if you love him. I went to all of my stepson's functions when I was married to his father; even some after his father and divorced.

Claire - posted on 09/02/2012

Personally i would ask you husband to arrange a time for you and him to go sepratly to his ex wife's time.... If you are also his part time carer then you should be include in his now/future .... 15 yrs ago i separated with my ex...my eldest stayed with him n i had our youngest... I tried to attend all meetings relating to our son's (even when they moved 30 miles away) and when i married my husband would always attend meetings with me more so if it involved my youngest at that time (unfortunately my ex never showed any interest in our youngest) we always tried to arrange different times to meet with teachers or different days where possible to go see plays ect...I had no problems with my ex's wife attending meetings relating to our eldest as he lived with her day to day (sadly she sounds just like your hubby's ex...2 faced and could be very malicious, think this was down to jealousy) good luck hinny i'm not going to say it's easy as it's not but as time goes by things do get better Cxx

Olga - posted on 09/02/2012

Definitely go. He is still your son

Mandy - posted on 09/02/2012

as the mother of a child that lives in a 50/50 custody, I believe it is up to the husband & child for you to go to parent/teacher conferences etc...like you said you will be the one helping him with school work, taking him to & from school, my son does not like his step mom going with him to school functions but he does understand why she goes to support him, to help him, i cant always be at the meetings but im glad his step mom can be, its all about the children, some ex's dont like the other "man or woman" to interfere but we have to realize we have both moved on and it is the children that suffer if the parents cant get along

Jennifer - posted on 09/02/2012

Let's look at this from the boy's perspective. He is going to see you and his dad at every function for the child you have together, and he may feel left out if you both go to the other child's functions but only Dad goes to his... Kids are very impressionable at such a young age.



I am on both sides of the fence. Our family is Yours, Mine and Ours. My husband and I both make it a point to treat EACH of our kids equally. My ex husband's new wife attends hardly anything with my daughter and my daughter gets upset. And my ex husband at first had a problem with my husband being so involved but she lives with us and he treats her just the same as he treats our sons. My ex husband eventually got over it (but I had talks with him without my daughter around to discuss it).

Denise - posted on 09/02/2012

I see it this way: Parent/teacher conference is for custodial guardians and teachers. The child's custodial guardians go, and any other caregivers or tutors or friends or relatives don't go. How his father delegates his responsibility, whether it is to you or other caregivers or tutors, happens outside the conference.

Kerstin - posted on 09/02/2012

Who matters in this situation? The child. If its in his best interests to have you there then nothing else really matters. If his mom is bothered by it she should reevaluate what's more important, her feelings or her son's best interests. Adults should be capable of withstanding discomfort for the sake of children. It's called being a grownup. If she can't handle it it's between her and her therapist.

Nadia - posted on 09/02/2012

I think u should definitely!!! U helping him a lot and probably want to know how is his progress throughout the year! Just schedule a separate time with teacher that way it won't upset the other parent! Good luck!!!

Lauren - posted on 09/02/2012

I think yes we do agree. I also don't think anyone should completely over look another person's feelings. I think of myself as a considerate person & I try to put myself in others' shoes & understand where they come from, but I think that the bio moms can often spout me, me, me & my feelings without caring about the step-moms feelings or (seemingly) the kids' feelings. I have my own two children & they had a step-mom for a while. I didn't have many issues with her even though she made it really easy to hate her. She was 18 at the time & very immature & wanted to be my friend one minute & then my enemy the next. I really just laughed it off & ignored her nastiness because it was mostly to get a rise out of me & when I didn't engage, she would eventually give up. As long as my kids were happy, that's all that mattered.

Kelli - posted on 09/02/2012

I don't see why you shouldn't. Since you have been taking care of him since he was two, and already helping with his homework, you should go. Especially if the father and the son want you to go. You are showing great support, and love.

Michelle - posted on 09/02/2012

I agree Lauren and truth be known I'm a pretty reasonable, and objective person and if I was in the position of being divorced and my ex-husband being remarried or in a committed relationship (wedding ring or not) I would put my children's well-being ahead of my own emotions. That being said I think it's perfectly human for the Bio-Mom to feel threatened by another woman becoming a 2nd Mother to her children. I'm suggesting that if they understand her position and approach her with that understanding in mind they will probably elicit a better response and have a healthier relationship. Which creates a better dynamic for the children. That isn't to say I don't have the same expectations of the Bio-Mom, I do. Basically I think we agree Lauren. Perhaps the number of woman who appeared to say "to heck with how the Bio-Mom feels," wasn't as high as it seemed because of my emotional reaction to such an attitude. And no doubt this partially stems from my own up-bringing in a blended family in which my step-mother who was anything but supportive and caring. So for anyone to suggest she became my Mom too just by virtue of being with my Father is offensive to me and the relationship with the ONLY Mom I have and have ever needed.

Deanna - posted on 09/02/2012

I definitely think you should go. You are part of his

life and I think he would feel bad if you didn't.

Bobbie - posted on 09/02/2012

ABSOLUTELY! You are saying "husband" and "stepson" therefore I am assuming you are "married" so by law you ARE his stepmother and if your not married you are STILL In his life like it or not, you been there 3 years and have another child (his sibling). You have him in your home 50% of the time. Yes you should be a part of his educational goals and experiences. Like you said Half the time you will be the one assisting him with school work. You should know where is strengths and weaknesses are and what he needs worked on. You should hear the suggestions the teacher gives for helping. Both homes the child is in need to back each other up, children need consistency,If I get him to where he is beginning to recognize his letters then he comes to you, and you have no idea where we are and do not work with him and reinforce what I had taught him (and vice versa)when he comes back he is not going to remember those letters. You MUST communicate and be civil with each other to benefit the child in all areas of his life not even just school.Whether you and the Biological mother get along or not, this is for the "CHILD" and she should be Thankful you care about her son enough to want to take part in his education and life and care enough to want to help.If I were the mother I would be encouraging you to be there BECAUSE you are as much a part of his life as she is.Good luck :)

Lauren - posted on 09/02/2012

Michelle, there were actually not that many people that said she is the Mom too. I know that I said (as well as many others) that the bio Mom needs to analyze exactly why she wouldn't want a very hands-on, loving & involved step-mom in the child's life. Obviously you're still with your husband, so it's natural that you would have negative feelings towards him being with another woman; however, divorced ex-wives who still feel that way need to learn to let go of those emotions. When the ex-wife doesn't want the step-mom involved because they feel threatened, more likely than not, they're letting negative emotions dictate their decisions which is not healthy for the children. For me personally, my fiancée was an alcoholic & his ex-wife left him because of his drinking. It was an ultimatum she gave him, hoping he woud quit & they would get back together. It didn't work out quite as she expected. He did quit drinking after the divorce & we met a year later. He told me that he was so unhappy in his marriage, but he never really realized that he was using alcohol as an escape feeling miserable & having to stay for the kids, until after he became sober. He realized the divorce was the best thing that could've happened. Now trust me, he paid dearly for that mistake. The ex-wife got everything, the house, all the furniture, the flat screen HDTV he paid $4K for, $1,300 per month in child support plus $200 a month toward daycare (even though we found out later she really only paid $80 a month for daycare because she was getting state aid for daycare costs). So she really stuck it to him. A lot of people told me that she didn't like me because I have what she wanted, a stable loving relationship with him sober. Granted I tried to see things from her point of view & understand, but when she did stuff just to get back at him (like refuse to let him see his kids unless he took them to his 70+ yr old parents house for supervised visits like the divorce decree called for when he used to drink) - I started to get really pissed. Fine, you don't like me or you're still angry at him whatever, but when that stuff starts affecting the children it's time to grow up. It also put unneeded burden on his aging retired parents. It affected more than her. She's married now, with a new husband, it's been over five years since the divorce & he & I have been together for 3 1/2 yrs, it's time to let go off those feelings of anger & focus on the well being of the kids.

Michelle - posted on 09/02/2012

If you are helping to raise the child I would say go if your husband wants you to go but if you can only go at the same time as the biological mother and you don't get along then you should let his parents take care of him. You are not his mother.

Angela - posted on 09/02/2012

I believe you should go! I have a step son and we do everything together! But his mom is going to be the god mother of my son. If my oldest son's dad lived in the same town with his wife I would be okay with her coming! I am a person that believe's that kids come first and they need to have mom and dad with them which mean step parents as well! But also means adults need to be on there best behaviour and no arrguments! Kids come first no matter what and the adults need to relized they are not showing much if they don't get along! It's not there fault that the parents are no longer together! They are not the reason people don't get along and they sure don't need the stress! I always always make sure my son's come first and I think what's best! I was in a split family I see what parents are like when they fight not fun for the kids that's for sure! Just remember its what's best the kids not how you want to be seen!

Carrie - posted on 09/02/2012

Its the correct thing that you feel you have to go, but I wouldn't unless expressly asked, its not worth the friction it may cause, but you may want to put some of your own concerns to your husband to ask at the conferences and ensure you get feedback.

Michelle - posted on 09/01/2012

Shelley, my comment wasn't directed at her and my response to her question was awhile back. I too applaud her apparent care, concern and love for the child. My position was that everyone's feelings should be taken in to consideration and if necessary, a compromise be met. The healthier the family dynamics the more safe and secure he will feel.



Some people who commented seem to be of the opinion the feelings of the Bio-Mom were inconsequential and said she is also his Mom. I don't agree with that. And I'm not suggesting they can't have a close and loving relationship and maybe he will or already does feel like she is his other Mom. But the idea you can become a child's Mother when he already has one simply by marrying the Father is not an idea I agree with. As both a Mom and a step-child it bothered me that so many tossed the word "Mom" like it held very litte meaning. My children are my absolute heart and if for some reason their Father and I couldn't go the distance, it would bother me greatly if some woman married my ex and just assumed she was now their other Mom. I can still be a full functioning parent with or without my spouse. It would be harder but I'd get it done.



Funny enough my comment was mostly said in humour but I thought needed explanation after your response.

Shelley - posted on 09/01/2012

She didn't say she wanted to be a mom to the child. Sounded to me like she wanted to help and support. She cared enough to ask a thoughtful question. If she just wanted to be a "mom" she'd probably would have barreled in. I give her kudos for being thoughtful and inclusive.

Michelle - posted on 09/01/2012

The advertisers are even more annoying then everyone who says that just because you marry someone with children you become that child's Mom or Dad. Only if the child feels that way, the Mom in Step-Mom can only be earned by the quality of the relationship IMO. I have one Mom, period, end of story.

Lauren - posted on 09/01/2012

You THREE geniuses that keep posting ads for websites & shopping, I'll keep flagging the comments for soliciting. Please go bother some other website. Your comments are incredibly annoying & you keep posting them everywhere. We're not interested so you're wasting your time. Thanks.

Zanika - posted on 09/01/2012

Yes! Of course you should go even though you are a step-parent you are still a parent . You are in his life you need to know who his teacher is, how he is doing in class etc. just like his biological parents do.

Becky - posted on 09/01/2012

Yes, most definitely. Speaking as a stepparent myself, I think it is critical for you to forge your own close relationship with your stepson, especially if both he and his dad have invited you in. When my stepdaughter got married she asked that I be included in the wedding party seating. As a courtesy to her other mom, I asked her if she was okay with that. You might consider doing this with your stepson's mom.

Jackie - posted on 09/01/2012

yes

Lisa - posted on 08/31/2012

If the little guy wants you to go then you go. The difference between adults and young children in a divorced situation is that the children will always think you are a part of their family. Any he said she said bitterness if any (hopefully not) is between parents. No matter what that baby is your baby too. I had two moms and two dads growing up despite what others think I should of believed. All that has ever mattered is what my heart told me. That is the truth.

Jeanie - posted on 08/30/2012

Totally!

I went to all my step-daughters Parent/Techers conferences and all school activities and performances.. all field trips too.. In fact, I was there more involved then her lazy parents (obviously not with her father anymore).. but yes I was front and center.. first with the camera, first to have fun with her and let her shine.. I bought all her outfits, was the only one who helped with homework and helped with making posters and show-and-tell.. there more people there to support and love and encourage the better!

Steph - posted on 08/30/2012

I have step-children and I go to everything. In fact, I'm at more of their stuff than their biological mother. It means a lot to them for me to be there. I think you should ask the child what they want and do that. If the mother does not like it then you and your husband should respectfully explain to her that you are going to be there for your child and that the child's feelings are the ones that matter. It is always about the children and not the parents. We have had multiple issues with this over the years because my husband's ex doesn't like the fact that the children like me more than her and so she has tried to prevent me from going. In court the Judge actually got mad at her and told her that it was better for me to be there and he told her that he was disgusted with the fact that her husband did not participate in the children's stuff because ALL of the parents involved should be at everything. It benefits the children and the children are the only ones that get hurt if you aren't there. If she feels uncomfortable with it then she can make separate p/t conferences, but needs to accept the fact school plays or programs you will all be present. If she isn't mature enough to be civil for her child's sake for a short period of time then she needs to be the one to leave. That all coming from the Judge. Good luck with it all and remember that being there for your child is the most important thing.

Kim - posted on 08/30/2012

@ Lauren Bradbury: that is the best thing I have ever heard, I couldn't have said it any better. It all comes down to the happiness of the child. It's not the child's fault that the parents relationship didn't work out and to have such a loving and caring step parent is a blessing.

Janet - posted on 08/30/2012

Well put Lauren Bradbury!

Diane - posted on 08/30/2012

Yes! Definitely! I stayed involved with "our" children especially when they were young. You will have a great relationship with all "your" children that way. It's good that the relationship started so young. When they are teens, it's gets a little trickier. They get double support, care, attention & nurturing this way!

Lauren - posted on 08/30/2012

For those saying that she needs to be mindful of stepping on the bio Mom's toes or she's not the parent, you need to take a step back & rethink that.



First of all, you can't simply use your experience to give advice. Maybe you have custody of your child full time & they only see their Dad every other weekend (like my step-kids do). In my case I'm not involved in my step-kids school work, so yes, attending school parent teacher conferences would be over-stepping my bounds because it's not my place to know about their school when I have no direct involvement in it. That being said, that is clearly not the case with Stefany. She has the child during the week & she helps with school work, so I cannot draw on my personal experience to give advice.



In this case I use common sense. If any adult is giving help with school work & with the child 50% of the time, they need to be in contact with the teacher to be made aware of what is expected.



Now if you have a similar situation & you still feel it's not the step-parents place or the step-parent is stepping on your toes or trying to replace you, then you need to step back & analyze why this is. I don't think you are clearly thinking about what is best for the child & you have anger issues still unresolved from the divorce. It's not fair to take out that anger on the step-parent or the child. While all situations are different (maybe the husband had an affair with the woman who is now the step-mom while you were married, so OK I would have anger issues too, BUT it can't be undone so you need to focus on putting your feelings aside & do what's best for the child). Aside from that, if the new step parent played no part in your divorce, then it's not fair to take your anger out on them. In the end you need to make decisions without negative emotions. The only emotion guiding your decision should be love. Love for your child & desire to do what's best. Like many people have said, having multiple parent figures that love & care for the child only makes a happier, healthier child, so embrace the fact that they have a loving caring step-parent that is so involved. It could be worse, they could have the evil step-mom that hates them & wants nothing to do with them.

L - posted on 08/30/2012

I think it is important that you do! I am the stepmom to an 18 year old, now college freshman. I have gone to all of his parent teacher conferences since kindergarten. If the school is flexible, and they should be!, you can have your own scheduled conference time and don't even need to go with Mom. We always had seperate conferences. One for Mom and one for Dad and Stepmom. Just explain to your teacher that you would like to be included. This is an important part of your step-sons life. Neither of you will regret it!

Garvita - posted on 08/30/2012

Yes

Billie - posted on 08/30/2012

i think u an ur husband should have a conversation with her before u attend, so she knows u will be there instead of being surprised, i do think its important that u attend especially since u may be the one helping with his educational needs. Although this may be uncomfortable for the adults its about the child knowing he has support from all of the parents. I believe she would (save face an at least be polite while attending these school functions, )