Should i go to my stepson's school functions?

Linda - posted on 08/28/2012

yes if you want to go and the father and son say its ok then go

Kim - posted on 08/28/2012

i'm just wondering the relationship is like with him and the ex. If they hate each other then make sure he is not doing this pick on the ex. It could be a very big problem if the boys mother is there and your there at the same time. Sometimes, women forget to think about how they would feel if they were in the same situation. I think its okay to go. Just know your place. You do have a place with someone else child. just because it's 50/50 doesn't mean that she is not the mother. if the childs mother is going to be there then let her have that special day. how would you feel.

Tina - posted on 08/28/2012

I think that you should explain to the school staff what your position is and that of your husband so they will know what to expect and when you hope to be able to be there. The son will need to have family support, and especially if there are any issues that you would want to be aware of that have been in the news lately and causing so much heartache to other parents. So by all means take this time out to be the supportive and loving mother that you should and want to be to your family .

Marissa - posted on 08/28/2012

i think it is a benefit to the child it shows him you support him. screw the mom. been there done that it isnt about the parents feelings it is good to show support. as long as you are doing it for the right reason and not to get at the mom.

Rhonda - posted on 08/28/2012

ABSOLUTLY YOU SHOULD GO!! I met my husband when my stepson was 4. He (my stepson) is now almost 19 and a freshman at a very good college. My husband and the boys mother have had 50/50 custody with his Mom having "residential" custody until he was in 8 th grade, at which point he came to live with us. I have attended almost all of his school functions, conferences, etc, and even sat side by side with his mother at awards ceremonies and graduations (despite the fact that she is not my favorite person!). The best thing for any child is tonknow they are loved, respected and appreciated, by as many people as possible! Remember, "It takes a Village......"!!!!!!!!

Irene - posted on 08/28/2012

I agree with you Narona......

Valerie - posted on 08/28/2012

Yes, yes, and yes!!!!! That child needs to he is loved and special, I have three stepsons and they have always appreciated me supporting them. They need all the love and support, love never fails! Love concurs all!

Lauren - posted on 08/28/2012

At Connie Brown: Sometimes a Step-Parent IS the parent. My childrens mother walked away from them and I had to assume the role(which I gladly did). I AM their mother; in EVERY sense of the word!

Lily - posted on 08/28/2012

I think it would be a lovely thing for you to do - it shows you respect your stepson - that you're interested in him, his life, his schooling and his presence in your life. Which is a descent way to be. It also shows you respect your husband and his child. By being a significant entity in his life, you will also have the right to participate in disciplining him as he grows. Important, as he'll be in your house 50% of the time. You may not have given birth to this boy, but if you are to be a long term presence in his life, you will be a significant other to him over the years, and you have a right to a close relationship with him, without feeling guilty or like youre stepping on someones toes. Stay on friendly terms with the mom, even if she can be prickly at times. Respect her, as she is his mother, and perhaps explain to her that you would like to go along to your stepson's functions, and why it's important to you. I'd even broach the subject of going to the parent-teacher conferences (but that's another post lol). If two grown adults have moved on from a relationship, then there shouldn't be any awkwardness. Good luck.

Julia - posted on 08/28/2012

DEFINITELY you should go. You raise him 50% of the time and need to be informed and involved in his education. You will likely deal with school functions/ activities more than dad as the child get older. An involved step parent is a blessing.

Lauren - posted on 08/28/2012

I agree with Judith, if you have been a "mom" to him since he was 2, then by all means continue to be. A child can never have too many people to love them. I have raised my step-children like they are my own. Their dad and I also have 2 children together, they have all been treated equally. I don't refer to my stes-children as such; when people ask me how many children I have, I tell them 4. Just put on a happy face and be their for that little boy, despite what his mother says; she will come across as the jerk, not you.

Maureen - posted on 08/28/2012

Since you are one of his primary caregivers and will be the one helping with homework and school activities I would think yes but I would discuss this with his mother too so that there is not a conflict at school where it could make things uncomfortable for the child

Andrea - posted on 08/28/2012

I really don't understand why people keep saying that a step-mother/father is not a parent... They are a parent, its even in the title Step-Parent. and as such they have every right to be involved in the child's life from discipline to school functions. No they did not give birth to the child, but they willing chose to live and love that child when they married the parent that either gave birth or help create them. The only time a bio parent can keep their child away from the step parent is if they have proof that he/she is abusing their child and they go though the courts, when a bio parent tells the stepparent they can not discipline or go to a parent/teacher meeting they are being selfish and need to grow up, you are often acting more like a child then the actual child. So another adult loves and cares for that child, who cares? Protect the child from those who would harm them, not love them. It takes more then one or two people to raise a child.

Diane - posted on 08/28/2012

personally, i would probably not attend his first day as that is very special for mum and son,

growing up and all that, the other events, i think you would know about the level of comfort there would be and probably already know the answer for your situation. Keep involved, but do respect the mother-son bond and the emotions these events are likely to trigger, even if you have had a good relationship uptil now, unfortunatley it goes with the territory (Divorce/ new family)

Michelle - posted on 08/28/2012

You might try to see if the teacher would schedule a second conference that you could attend. Don't shy away from contact with the teacher! That comes from a teacher. I'd recommend mentioning to him/her the situation in advance and that you want to be just as informed as your husband and his ex. Sometimes teachers are unsure how involved a step-parent wants to be, and its always beneficial to the child to see a step-parent just as involved.

Connie - posted on 08/28/2012

Nothing against, step parents, but y are so many ppl saying, you have a right to go, and you are his mother as well..NO YOUR NOT!. If his Bio mom doesn't want u there, Don't go..It's not that big of a deal, if the Bio parents agree on 50/50 custody, I'm sure they can handle a parent teacher conference without u!

Rene - posted on 08/28/2012

If you want to = you can do whatever you please :)

Christina - posted on 08/28/2012

Not true! I am an example of that. My husband and his ex refused to cooperate with each other. Actually, it was his ex that would not cooperate! I had to be there for those kids to show them some stability. I made sure those kids were treated fairly when their mom did not do so! My stepsons literally dragged me to school wanting me there constantly! But I wasn't dragged, I went willingly and wanting to be there. Why? Because I cared and the parents couldn't or wouldn't go. Field trips, craft days, lunches, etc. Those boys were close to me. I made and helped them with homework. I made sure papers were signed. I made copies for his ex, even though she did not do the same for me.

It got to where the teachers depended on me for volunteering and to talk with me about concerns.

Karen - posted on 08/28/2012

I think it's up to you, his father and his mother to discuss this as a family. Hopefully you all have a good relationship for the sake of the kids. Personally I absolutely think you belong in the loop. I was a teacher and a mom whose kids have a step-dad and I know for the children, a united front is always best. Good luck.

Brandi - posted on 08/28/2012

You should go but schedule separate appointments with the teacher. I have a step-daughter and her mother and I were civil to each other in front of the child and I never said anything negative about her mother in front of her but her mother was not so polite. So I feel your pain. My step-daughter's mother was also a habitual liar that told lies to everyone she knew about my husband and I even to her daughter. We unfortunately did have a good outcome with this situation but my step-daughter is 20 now so things are coming around now that she in college and away from mother.

Mary - posted on 08/28/2012

Schedule separate parent teacher conference for u and your husband and let the mother do her thing than it shouldn't be a problem no need to go together

Mary - posted on 08/28/2012

Schedule separate parent teacher conference for u and your husband and let the mother do her thing than it shouldn't be a problem no need to go together

Annette - posted on 08/28/2012

You need to take a step back especially if his mother and fathers realationships is not good who cares how you feel its the child who gets affected in the long run. Youll have your time to shine in his life.

Mary - posted on 08/28/2012

I think you should unless the X will make a scene upset the child.

Christina - posted on 08/28/2012

It doesn't matter whether she agrees or not, a step parent has the right to go. As a step parent, you are a major part in a child's life. You are the mom when the real mom isn't there, you have to take that child to the doctor or emergency rooms, or to ballgames, why not school? My husband's ex didn't like it, but she tolerated it cause there was nothing she could do. I'm sure she contacted her lawyer as she did with everything and found that out. When they fought for custody years after the 50/20 did not work out, because I did go to the schools and did not work, the courts favored the dad. But, she threw other stuff out there causing delays. The boys were old enough to make decisions, so we finally were able to separate them and got custody of the younger one who would have failed school had we not gotten him.

Courts love it when step parents act as parents. The judge said so and "applauded" me for it. Plus they know the dad works and it makes it easier when the "mom" does "mommy" stuff.

Darcie Mae - posted on 08/28/2012

Yes, if you feel it would benefit him if you go then go.

Darcie Mae

www.darciemaeschildrensbooks.com

sammyandrobertbooks@yahoo.com

Monica - posted on 08/28/2012

Of course you should! You're a vital part of your stepson's life and should always be a part of his upbringing. You're his mom, too, after all!

Angela - posted on 08/28/2012

Most definitely you should be there.

Mary - posted on 08/28/2012

HI I am not a step mom but I am a teacher and a step child. I think going to school functions are fine like recitals and things that your step son would see you supporting him. I feel that parent teacher conferences should be for the parents. I think you will get a lot more respect from her on the other things if you acknowledge in this one instance that she is he mother and that while you are a primary caregiver you are not. Unless you discuss it with her first and she is alright with it. There is no reason your husband can't take notes. Good Luck

Kirsty - posted on 08/28/2012

no unless it is ok with the mum at the end of the day it is still her child! how would you feel if it was your child and someone else went to important things that should only involve parents the father can keep you updated on what is said.

Betty - posted on 08/28/2012

Absolutely! I am amazed that you would even ask. You should be treating this child with the same love as you do your own child(ren). As a retired kindergarten teacher, I speak from experience. These 2 home children really have it rough. They need all the love and support you can give me as well as discipline.

Gene Ann - posted on 08/28/2012

Since you will be involved with seeing that homework gets done, I think that it would be necessary for you to be at parent-teacher meetings. How else will you know the teacher's expectations and how to see that the child meets those expectations? There may be ongoing activities with no written assignment, like reading for 15 minutes every day. The child whose parents and teacher work together has the greatest success in school. Also, the teacher can benefit from knowing the schedule of who was responsible for the homework (custody schedule-MWF, TRS, every other week, etc.) and who needs to be called first in follow-up for any behavior issues. Communication is for grown-ups.

Eleisha - posted on 08/28/2012

Most schools are accommodating and will do separate conferences if ask. This is a situation I have had to do with my kids, but I say, by all means, be involved!

Renae - posted on 08/28/2012

As long as ALL parties are agreeable to you going along it is fine. If not, have your husband go and he can update you. Last thing you want is for there to be an issue at his school that he just started going to. If your husband cannot attend then get permission from the ex-wife to attend in his place or I have called the school when my children were small and explained the situation to the teacher and requested a separate conference. I know teachers would not want all of their parents requesting this but they also do not want drama during a conference. My daughter is a teacher of a kindergarten class and would not have a problem if requested ahead of time. At the very least you should go in with your husband at some point and introduce yourself and if the children are picked up at school let them know that you may be picking him up sometimes. Just explain the 50/50 custody.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/28/2012

If it is comfortable for all involved then yes. IG not comfortable to all involved then why cause more drama out issues with any family member, whether you like it or not they are a prt if your life forever

Jess - posted on 08/28/2012

Yes! If his mother disagrees, then she isn't seeing the bigger picture here: the sucess of her son in school and life!

User - posted on 08/28/2012

WELL ABSOLUTELY!!!! No better way to make him fully feel comfortable with the family setting. I hope the relationship you have with bio mom is such that you can co-mingle in his life admirably together. That is the hardest part of divorce for children, its the hatred and un-civibility the parents have for one another. If you can't be together then don't be together, but my goodness there is enough out here in this crazy world for kids to deal with without having to add which parent he has to love more to the list don't you think?



Enjoy that boy as if he were yours. At the end if the day, he is lucky to have two mommies that love him so much! ♥

Gabby - posted on 08/28/2012

I think if your stepson wants you there.. you are entitled to be there... also if you are expected to participate in his day to day school work, it would be wrong not to know what was going on at school...so yes,I would say going to teacher meetings should involve you for sure.

Bonnie J - posted on 08/28/2012

I BELIVE YES YOU SHOULD BE APART OF IS LIFE AND HAVE A CHILD IN COMMON MAKES IT OKAY AS WELL YOUR A FAMILY( ALL OF YOU) AND IM GLAD YOUR MAKEN HIM APART OF YOUR LIFE . EVEN THOW HES NOT YOUR . GOOD LUCK YO YOU.

Marilyn - posted on 08/28/2012

i think I would ask the mother if she is ok with it. ----

Shirviena - posted on 08/28/2012

If you are in his life yes. Talk to the mom and let her no you are not trying to take over but help and support the child.

Trina - posted on 08/28/2012

I think you should go. All I hear is how the birth mother would feel. WHO CARES!!

Being a stepmom is a hard job and there will be plenty of times you have to sit back and not be included but let it be because your stepson wants it that way not becasue you dont want to hurt his mother's feelings. Since when do stepmoms only get to be part of their stepchildrens life part of the time. It should be all of the time. If your husband and your stepson want you there, then be there. For all those moms worrying that they are getting their toes stepped on by a stepmom maybe you should look and she why you feel like someone else can take your place. If you are a good mom, you will respect fact that your child has a step parent who loves them enough to be involved. Yes, I am a stepmom and a mom. No we dont have children together and we wont, the four we have is enough. My husband has 50/50 custody but the kids live with us and very rarely see thier real mom. I take them to the doctor, dentist, buy their school clothers, supplies, attend every school function and conference. I am the one taking time off work to take them to these things, so as a stepmom to children who's real mother doesnt do anything for them, I say go. This is about the child and making sure that he knows he is loved and that you care enough about him to go.

Tanya - posted on 08/28/2012

I am not a stepmom, but I say yes. However, if his bio mom is there, take a backseat for the most part and just be there to listen. You don't want to be the pushy stepmom who steps in and tries to take control. But you DO want to show that you also love and support your stepson. If you are involved in schoolwork, it is good for you to be there to know what is going on.

Betty - posted on 08/28/2012

After being a stepmom for the last ten years, I decided early on I would do what I felt in my heart was right for the KIDS. Glad I did, we are so much closer and they love and respect me for it now that they are older.

Angela - posted on 08/28/2012

How does the child feel? I'm sure he's fairly conflicted, but if he's going to believe that you care for him, then I say go. If his other mother starts a fuss simply look at her and say this is not appropriate and refuse to engage. You can be polite and civil and keep it nice for his sake, even if she can't. The best way to show a child you care is to get involved and stay involved in the child's life. Other adults notwithstanding. I'm saying this from the side of the mountain of things I've done right and mistakes I've learned from. I have an 18 year old and a 5 year old so I have many more years ahead of me to learn what I haven't already learned! Good luck!!

Robyn Devorah - posted on 08/28/2012

ALISA, the step mom to your child sounds like she is being insensitive to you. THAT IS WRONG>



I am sorry you have to deal with that. Not all of us, step moms want to displace the biol mom.

THAT IS THE LAST THING I WANT. I JUST WANT THE KIDS TO FEEL SECURE.



THIS IS THE ONLY QUESTION ANY OF US SHOULD BE ASKING:



HOw can we help our step son or daughter feel more loved and secure?

Robyn Devorah - posted on 08/28/2012

I am also a step Mom. I say yes. You are a part of this child's life. You have been a part for three yrs. If your husband wants you there, by all means go. If his mom as an issue, well, sorry. Let her talk to your husband and let him exert HIS rights. WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD ?? is what all of you should ask. Will it help him feel secure, etc... Will you do your job more effectively and therefore, he will benefit? OK, SO THEN WHAT IS THE ISSUE?



GOOD LUCK AND MAKE SURE YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND THAT WHAT HE WANTS IS JUST AS IMPT AS WHAT THE WIFE WANTS.

ROBYN

Malaina - posted on 08/28/2012

Kinda funny how that all works out. I am in the same boat that your in. Although, I attend to support all the school function for the children. If she has it her way she would have me out of 'her' daughters life. I don't play games and the only thing that is most important to me is the welfare of our children. I do most of the homework and set aside my time to help all the children, but most of all the oldest daughter. When I came into the picture 2 years ago, she was reading, writing, and her mathematics were at 2 grades lower. I just got her MSP report for this past year, and she is above average. Kinda interesting. I am not bragging, just trying to show how supporting your children, biological or not, helps them further in life. Besides, she can't manipulate me or try and bully herself because I don't give in and, like I said before, I dont play games.

I am so tired of some parents manipulating, bulling, putting their kids though guilt trips, or eing selfish.

We are parents, we are adults, and we are showing our children how to behave.

My question would be, does it really matter what the other parent feels or it is what the child or children feel?

Not sure if this was helpful or not, kinda venting and telling what I have done :)

Mary - posted on 08/28/2012

He became your son when you married his dad. This is a great.to bond with the child and it also shows the child that you care.

Kim - posted on 08/28/2012

Absolutely a must, you are a big part of his life and it sounds like you truly love him. The teachers love it when all parents and step parents are involved and are on the same page regarding homework. They love it when parents can put their problems aside in order to help their children instead on using the kids as pawns against each other. Good luck, if the biological mom and you get along ok then she should be happy that you love her child like one of your own and that you want what's best for her son.