Elaine - posted on 02/17/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )
I am 30 years old and married for 3 years. Everything should be in order for the next step in life…to have children. I have always wanted children, ever since I was a child. I consider it a career in my cases, a full time job. I have educated myself on child development and will be gradating with a degree in early childhood and special education degree in a year. I actually love all children and believe that what happens in early child hood affects a person sometimes for the rest of their lives. I don’t just want to be a teacher, I really want to help my community make a change. With all that said I am not perfect. I work two jobs part time and go to school with 17 credits and in my husband’s eyes I am not helping. It is true I use all my money for school and he resents me for that. I am in charge of cooking and cleaning and I never live up to his expectations. I put a store bought pie in his lunch and he said I might as well not pack him a lunch if I am just going to buy it. I can not compete with his salary as he is an electrician so he will always have the upper hand I feel. I didn’t think it would be a problem if I did traditional woman chores, but now I feel I am disrespected. I want to make more money and be equal but I know that won’t happen now. I do not want to put my children in day care because I think that if I went to school for child development why would I have other people raise my children. Not that I judge working women, every one is different☺ . Anyway if I stay at home and watch my children and maybe other peoples, I will defiantly be on the bottom of the ladder and have no help from him. Should he help? Maybe he deserves to be served? I do not think I am a good wife. I get annoyed when he leaves his dish in the sink. When we watch his niece and nephew he sits down at the table and watches me serve everyone. I hate him for things like that. He has said he worries he will have to do everything as I will be sick and useless during pregnancy. He says he is worried our kids will be retarded because I have a brother with a learning disability. But then he apologizes for saying that. I think the damage is already done. Still when I was sick I asked him if he would take care of kids if we had them and he said if you don’t want kids let me know so I can leave. I used to be a dental assistant and would rather be someones assistant than wife. Being a wife is a thankless job with no respect. We fight a lot and do not see eye to eye. If you heard his side of the story you would think I was awful. He always says things like if you see me doing this you should know to do this….I can not read minds I remind him. We have our good moments but I feel that we need a good solid relationship before we bring kids into the mix. I came from a broken home and I think it is true that what you learn as a child carries with you into adulthood. I am just disappointed that I did not fix myself in time. Now I do not want to have children. I worry I will hate it even more than being a wife. I fear I will be all alone and my children will grow up to feel empty like me. Was I wrong about myself? Should I focus on my career and forget being a mother? Is this a phase most people have before having children?