Should i leave my fiance?

Tiffany - posted on 07/30/2012 ( 45 moms have responded )

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My fiance of one year has been doing repeated dumb stuff. Its more betraying than dumb i guess. I dunno if it's something wrong w me or him. Anyways, i decided to ask him if he's fantasized about someone while we had sex (bc he'd called me by another name previously outta bed) he said no...well i knew he was lying...he has a huge history of lying as well. He finally admitted to me that, yes, almost everytime we've been intimate, hes fantasized about these ex flings of his. Im by no means ugly, n these women are seriously repulsive, yet hes w me. Then i deal w the constant feeling of insecurity anymore bc of him admitting this to me, i seriously can't stop hurting from it! Idk that i ever will. We just had a baby together in April and i also hv an 11 year old as well. I just feel like i can't do anything right n im completely worthless n im never gonna be enough for anyone. Im so tired of being betrayed by him. I have nowhere long term i can go, no family, no income, no car of my own...nothing. I feel trapped n i feel worthless. I always just wanna be alone anymore, n im not eating well bc of no appetite, n i just feel like crap! I know im insecure, i know im depressed, but i dunno how to get outta this. Im in counseling now n the counselor told me my insurance will only pay for seven sessions...im on session three almost. Then she told me im def gonna need more than seven w my issues. I just dunno how to make myself wanna REALLY get away from him. Hes very charming, good guy, doing counseling w a chaplain w me, rarely home, when he is home, he's either smoking or on his phone internet. I feel like i have to compete even with Facebook!!! Tonight we got into it after everything has been calm for awhile, bc he added an ex fling to his fb...why...someone please tell me why i can't be good enough for this man?! Why must he resort to his exes? This is driving me seriously insane. I can't keep doing this to myself n hurting like this. Can someone please give me advice???

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Pauline - posted on 07/30/2012

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NO ONE but NO ONE but YOU can make you happy. Looking externally only prolongs your happiness. It seems that your insecurities are deep rooted and you do probably need more than 7 sessions, but along with the therapy try journaling. There is a wonderful book called the artists way that will help you to journal - Join a group doing a course in miracles, or get on line and join the group. Have FUN with your kids.... this doesn't cost money.... But most important, Find your spiritual side (go to church, meditate, do yoga, find a shaman, chant) NONE OF THESE COST $. Show him that you can live with out him, and he will pay more attention to you, (if that's what you really want), but you might find that by working on YOU and finding out who that girl is inside of you, you may just NOT want him back.

Ask yourself this, "why do I want to be with someone that I have to beg to love me?"
There are many, many people who will love you for who you are, but in order for them to do that, you have to love your self FIRST.

Good Luck!

Kimberly - posted on 07/30/2012

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Please look into the local domestic abuse services in your area. In my town it is called DVIS. While this man may never lay a hand on you, he is abusing you emotionally and mentally. When I went to them, they had a sliding fee and since I had no job, they counseled me for free as much as I needed it. I went to group sessions as well a private sessions. While I did not want to go to group, it helped me to see that I was not the only one in that situation and that it was my ex and not me that was the issue. I was just guilty of believing his BS for so many years. The women that run the agency are quite good at networking and helping women find jobs and business attire needed to work at those jobs. Your 11 year old can't continue to see you being treated poorly. If your 11 year old is a female, she will think that your husband's behavior is the norm and accept it for herself later. If male, he will think that it is OK to treat women poorly. So much is at stake here. You deserve better.

Alecia - posted on 07/30/2012

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get yourself a job, save some cash and leave his nasty ass. you are way to good for him my dear, and i hope you see that sooner rather than later.

Elle - posted on 07/30/2012

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Ask yourself a few questions. 1) Do you deserve this situation?
2) Is he adding to my life in more positive ways or negative ways?
3) Can I do better without him? 4) Can I make a plan to get out of this
Situation? 5) What will my children learn from watching me live like this? Last
But Not Least.... 6) Is this the life I want for myself and my children?
Once you have answered these questions, you will not Continue to
allow this person to attack what's left of your self worth. Without
Him you might start to see you're better than this.

Melissa - posted on 07/30/2012

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If U really feel like U have no other option but to just stay, sleep in the spare room and just play w/your children, start cooking w/your older child, go for lots of walks, play outside, take those kids to the park, they have baby swings! Do some manicures and pedicures, don't wait for him to make U happy just start being happy w/your children! As long as he's not hurting anyone really, U will B ok, but mayb start setting aside a few bucks here and there!! Mayb find a part time job!

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45 Comments

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Kathy - posted on 08/06/2012

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Run as fast as you can away from this relationship. If you can't afford more counseling, check with local women's shelters, churches, etc. in your area for services that they may know of. If you don't do it for yourself, think of how this relationship is scarring your children and affecting their abilities to have healthy relationships when they are grown. You ow this to yourself and your children!

Tina - posted on 08/05/2012

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Oh dear, learn to love yourself and ditch that poor excuse of a man, you deserve better, someone to love you and make you feel special. You won't be able to see the wood for the trees now, but you can and will get through this, you just need strength, I had a daughter in this situation years ago and Thank God she listened to me and got out of it, now she is happily married to a guy who adores her and they have a lovely family of 3. You can do it, really, believe in yourself, All the best

Laura - posted on 08/03/2012

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Your Mom may not have been as kind as some, but she makes several good points....if you can stay in the place where you live now, put him out and change the locks. Your choices do affect your kids and it is your job to do the best you can for them. Gathering the strength to make a good life for yourself and your kids is difficult....just don't give up.

Tiffany - posted on 08/03/2012

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@your mom, actually, if you read correctly, youd see I said I havent left yet, but I was going to. Also, thanks for being my brain, but I was pregnant WITH an IUD. I was knocked up with twins, ended up losing one with this pregnancy. Thanks for being rude, but while I fully respect your opinion, I dont respect you disrespecting me saying this kind of thing. Your comment wasnt appreciated. Thanks, but no thanks!

Ayo - posted on 08/02/2012

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You have to look inwards for strength to carry on with or without him. Engage more with your kids and develop yourself, in time you'd decide if you should stay on with an abusive partner or not

Your - posted on 08/02/2012

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Maybe next time spend less time and effort getting pregnant with a low life and more time paying attention, and learn to be a better judge of character. Do you want your kids to end up in the same position when they have relationships in the future? Or do you want them to grow up knowing good people and keeping a roof over their heads? Your choices make all the difference, learn how to be an adult. I would have advised you kick is ass out and keep your home for your kids, but as you've already left you've lost that choice already. Should have changed the locks on him a loooong time ago. Don't do that again. Kids don't grow up strong if they have to keep moving because you can't keep your legs shut. Maybe you should learn now to use contraception too?

Alexandra - posted on 08/01/2012

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honey, of course you should leave this guy. Go to your family, wherever they are, get a job, several jobs, join a mommy's group so that you can get some support. Leave as soon as you can. What are you doing with this guy? You have children that need you and you need all your time to be a good mommy for them.

SHEILA - posted on 08/01/2012

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Leave him .... I just got out of a 9 month relationship with my 7 yr old dad again. It had been 5 yrs since we had been together. I feel for his charming ways again. Empty promises with no drive. He turned to drugs and porn then blamed me for it. It was hard im broke starting over again because the waste of time with him again. He has never really had a relationship with his son, he still doesn't even though he lived with u. What im trying to tell you is THEY DONT CHANGE!¡ Dont marry someone yhat doesnt respect you. If he is calling u another womens name he will do it forever..... Get out girl. Its easier once ur out I promise.

Laura - posted on 07/31/2012

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No one deserves to be in a relationship where they are not a priority. Dump his ass, take the kids and go. Go to a shelter if you have to, get a job (flipping burgers for YOUR money is better than living like this), temporary financial support should be available through your county. He will be responsible for child support for your baby, an issue you may have to force, but do it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Tiffany - posted on 07/31/2012

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Btw- thanks for all your replies ladies, Ive chosen to leave, however Ill be saving money for a month or two, working my direct sales job and making as much money as possible n leave when I can. Like Ive mentioned before, I dont have family other than mom, dad, brother n sister. My brother is 15 n living w my mom which resides with her meth addicted husband, my sister is living in a two bedroom apartment with her controlling husband that already refused to allow us to stay there, and my dad lives far away in a one bedroom apartment. The only govt help I can get is food stamps and medical. I dont have daycare, etc until I have more money to do so. Im also going to look into the group therapy. Thanks everyone. :)

Tiffany - posted on 07/31/2012

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yeah, but why does he have to fantasize about other women??? Why cant I be good enough for him? Im good enough to do his laundry, to use my lady parts, yet im not the one hes iinvisioning..instead its some nasty, trashy girl he use to be intimate with...porn is one thing, but when its his ex, thats my line being crossed...n I def am making myself crazy thinking about this over n over. Im getting help, I just hope Ive gotten it in time n can get thru this sane.

Tiffany - posted on 07/31/2012

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If he's treating you like this now, he might always, and you have to decide if this is something you can work through or not.
If you want to leave you can. No money and no job no car are not things that will hold you back. There is gov't assistance, shelters, and family (even if they're far away I think they'd help in a time of need)
Getting out earlier is easier than later. GL

Marlene - posted on 07/31/2012

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I agree. Get a job, save enough money and get out of there as fast as you can. Your only damaging your self esteem further by continuing to be in a relationship with a man who obviously doesn't care about your feelings. It will be a tough road but in due time you will find yourself much more happier and at peace. See if you can find a women's shelter in your area that may be able to assist you. Good Luck and I hope you and your children are able to get out fast.

[deleted account]

Yes maam leaving is a great idea.First thing that would sent off red flags was him calling another name.You said it yourself he has a history of lieing.Do you want a marriage like that.You need to leave its sounds to me your self esteem is low.Take it from someone who found out to late.

Tina - posted on 07/31/2012

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Tiffany, the issue isn't about you, it is about him. He is the one that has problem. Don't bring yourself down to his level. You can rise above all of this, continue to reach out and I am sure that you will find that you will be in a better place in the future. You can leave him, you need to look at what he is doing to you and will do to your children. Time for lots of praying and know that you can do this. wishing you all the best and don't beat yourself up as i noted above it isn't about you it is about him. He has no respect for you!

Tracy - posted on 07/31/2012

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You honestly have just two options and I can't see this playing out ANY other way. Either you stay and feel like this for who knows HOW long, your children learn to see relationships this way, and eventually he cheats (if he isn't already) and will leave you stranded with two kids and no plan. *****OR***** You can CHOOSE that you are worth even a hair's breath of respect, show your kids that THEY deserve better role models, and you leave with your own future in your hands. Can you really see this playing out any other way? He is making NO strides to fix things with you despite the token effort of counseling.

SO, it comes down to this - and it's the same thing I asked my best friend when she called me crying YEARS ago that her husband was seeing someone else. Do you want your life to rest on YOUR choices or on the *HOPE* (and nothing more) that he will choose you?

Linda - posted on 07/31/2012

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Of course he doesn't respect you. The minute you had intimate relations outside of marriage, he did not have respect for you OR himself. I may sound like an old fuddy-duddy, but I learned the hard way. And when I finally found the right man for me (after several non-married intimate relationships), he held me in such high esteem that the first time he kissed me was when he proposed to me!!! And, while we did pet fairly heavily, he would always back off before we got carried away. We waited until our wedding night to enjoy making love, and it was almost a religious experience! To this day, he still treats me like his queen, and we still have GREAT sex, 14 years later! But I also pamper him, so he reciprocates!

It's getting more and more difficult to find a guy like that, because these days, we are conditioned that sex is okay whether you are married or not. I had that mindset...it's erroneous! You don't get a respecfull guy, unless you have love and respect for yourself.

I'm sharing this with you, because even if you do muster up the inner strength and do leave the flake, you will go out and repeat the same mistake---that of giving yourself to a man to try to find happiness for yourself. You will be selling your soul! Don't let it take you as long as it took me! I was 40 before I 'got it'!

Love,

Linnlee

Karen - posted on 07/31/2012

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First of all. You deserve so much better. The problem here is NOT you, it's Him! He is the one with the insecurities and the inability to commit to you. He is PURPOSEFULLY making you feel the way you are so you do not leave him. It's a control issue.
You can NOT Force a man to love and respect you. The fact that you feel so bad about yourself because of HIS short comings is sad. You really do need to continue therapy. There are a lot of places out there that help women escape bad situations that also offer counseling.
You cannot find love and happiness until you love yourself and make yourself happy. No woman needs a man. I know it all sounds cliche but it's the truth. You cannot expect anyone to love you the way you deserve if you cannot love yourself the way you deserve. Men like him seek out women like you to make themselves feel superior and in control. You really do need to get away from him. You need to be single for a while. Try being single for more than a year. You can learn how to care for yourself in that time. Learn things about yourself, what makes you happy and learn that you do not need a man to be happy. Take Joy in your children.

Melanie - posted on 07/31/2012

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Work on yourself. Get a job! Read the bible and tell your self that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and worth so much more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know its harder with children involved. Look inside yourself for the answer. I think you already know what you NEED to DO!

Tori - posted on 07/31/2012

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I am praying that you leave!!!!! You're worth more than that. But unless you see it there's no point, He's gonna suck all the life outta you if you don't move and move NOW!!!!!

Diane - posted on 07/31/2012

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If you are unhappy, move on. I have always heard that if after six months of being unhappy about a situation you are in, it is time to change it or move on. You are the only one responsible for your happiness.

Carli - posted on 07/30/2012

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The one thing I want you to know is him fantasizing about other females has nothing to do with you you could be a super model and he would still find other women attractive where I would drawl the line is cheating multiple times my husband cheated on me once and we have two kids I told him if he did it again I would leave I believe once can be a mistake in judgment but wives is intentional but please whatever you do don't look at the situation as if you are lacking in some way you will make yourself crazy doing that I hope that helped

KAJAL - posted on 07/30/2012

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I am sure you deserve better so just leave a nasty situation like this behind you with abs no guilt and move on. These momentary weaknesses causes lifetime problems and scares.......so just move on.

Grace - posted on 07/30/2012

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From someone who went ahead and married her jerk, it's better you leave him now and the two of you work your issues out separately, and if you still want to get married later, you can always. You don't want to wait until you need a divorce.

The simple fact that your asking means the answer is YES: you should leave your fiancé right now.
I say it's for myself also:
YOU DESERVE BETTER

Jane - posted on 07/30/2012

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Everything is hard in life, but you have answered your own questions, You ar3e to good for this man and he knows it, thats why he is doing what he's doing because you feel insecure that you wont leave. You have two beautiful children who needs their mum more than anything in this world n thats what you need to focus on, not him because if he had respect for you he wouldn't need to think of any other woman than you, there are lots of people or help you can get by just asking the right people like your local doctor's not councillors because they want your money all the time, local support groups are good and full of advice how to get away from partners they no longer want to be with, and what he is doing is classed as mental abuse and thats why you feel so slow within yourself because you keep thinking about what will happen next, I can relate to this as i have been through this myself and watched my daughter go through it aswell its easy to see on the outside as we know when someone is not happy and tell them, where as when you are on the inside like you are you can't see things your writing like we do, and as in your first line "repeatly doing dumb stuff" that wont change how ever hard you try because he will do it just to upset you which he is succeeding to do hope this helps Jane

Luana - posted on 07/30/2012

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I think that he is insecure. What you need to realize is you can only
change yourself and through this change you can make a better judgemet on your life and where you want it to head. One thing Jesus teaches us is that we can not be happy until we are living a fulfilling life. Write down some of your hobbies or things that you are/were good at. Make time to start doing them. Do not focus your worth on what your fiancé thinks of you. What you think of yourself is more important so start imagining the woman you want to be and make steps towards becoming her. You need to believe in yourself again, once you accept yourself you will know you are ready to make a healthy decision on what you want to do about your fiancé :) I hope this helps a little, I am here if you ever need to vent!

Miosotis - posted on 07/30/2012

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Dear Tiffany, this is my recommendation. In this life you have to be selfish because you need to love yourself and your kid more than anything. I was in a relationship that this guy try to lower my self steem but I always remember my parents relationship (where my father cheat all the time and hit her and my mom tolerate and no way i wanted to be like that) and I alway said to myself that I will never let any guy to hit me or lower my self steem. If I ever feel that I will leave this guy immediately. I know is hard to get out from those kind of relationship but I did. I get strong and finally when I was out I realized who was the loser one and really it was no me. I am still like that and I always remember thar is nice guys out there, this guy is not the only one in this planet. I know you are tired to be alone but you need to find something else to do and focus on doing something fun with your kids, you will see it will be worth it. During that time concentrate of taking care yourself, always smell good and make sure when you get out from home you feel good with yourself. You are wonderful remember. Nobody else can destroy you internally. Make sure that you open your heard to nice people. If you need a friend answer back he.

Tiffany - posted on 07/30/2012

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It does help, its just easier said than done. I feel like all of my energy goes into him...not my kids. So I feel like a horrible mother. This is the most down I think I've ever been. :/ I dont like this feeling.

Evelyn - posted on 07/30/2012

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You have know when enough is enough for your self if u feel you cant deal with it then u need to do whats best for you and your children. The second thing is you have to know your worth. You cant accept anything from the door love isnt supposed to hurt at all i hope this helps

Michelle - posted on 07/30/2012

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You can apply for government help. Apply for child support. Yes stay in the guest room for now show him how angry you are. Show him that there are consequences. You need to find work. You have to get out of that situation. You can do it. It isn't easy but, it can be done. Women need to stand up for themselves and not let a man rule our life. Live for yourself and your kids not for any man. Show him who's boss. Live your life! Get yourself out there, make yourself happy. We can't wait around for a man to make us happy, it's unrealistic.

Tiffany - posted on 07/30/2012

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Since I dont have anywhere to go, should I just stay n sleep in our guest room n do whatever until things change? Or what? My moms isn't an option since her husband does drugs(meth), my sisters isn't bc her husband is a control freak n won't let me, my brother lives w my mom bc hes 15...n my dad lives too far away in a one bedroom apartment. I dunno how to do this.

Michelle - posted on 07/30/2012

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Post a reply! Went through this myself. The self loathing, low self esteem am I good enough? bestp thing is to leave, at least for a little while to show him life without you. He is being disrespectful things and clearly doesn't value you. You can't make a person love you. I never got married officially with my ex of 11 years. I felt that he just didn't want to marry me and that he didn't value me. He cheated on me after 10 years together and 3 kids. I felt so unattractive and old at 29. Eventually I left and I was much happier. You need to find the strength and stop letting him treat you this way. If he really loved you he wouldn't do this to you. It isn't you, you didn't do anything wrong. You are strong and beautiful. I had to grow a pair and realize I was a beautiful strong person and men like that aren't worth the air they breath.he is takeing you for granted. W hat a douchbag! I hate m en nowadays, they are so useless! He is doing whatever he wants because there are no consequences. you keep taking it he will keep doing it. Talking does no real good with men. Trust me. Just find the courage to leave. You don't want your kids seeing you this way or thinking this is ok to treat to like this. Don't stay for the kids. He can be a good father regardless

Melissa - posted on 07/30/2012

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Get out, I'm sure U have some thing near U that will help U and your children. U deserve lots better and U will!! I don't always feel like I deserve the man I have (And he's amazing to everyone I know and myself), and well U don't have to have a man to b happy!

Tiffany - posted on 07/30/2012

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That's the thing, we've been through this all before..its a vicious cycle...whats next? He's gonna cheat if he hasn't aleaafy n I just hvnt found out bc im living in la la land thinking hes a great guy. Maybe were better as friends...maybe nothing...i dunno, but we go to church, pray, I've had him delete his ex flings off fb, n this on he re added the other day! He's not getting it! I've repeatedly told him that bc if the sex thing, etc that im very insecure n I def dont need anything else to add to this anymore. I can't even go to the grocery store without wondering if hes going to fantasize about these ugly women as well. Im not tooting my own horn, but im not ugly. I've lost all my baby weight, no stretch marks, ivd been blessed after this baby for sure when it comes to my body, but it seems no matter how pretty I am, hes never interested. Ive tried apucing things up sexually, im exhausted trying to keep him interested in me only to get sh!t on. :( I just want him to want me n respect me. Is that too much to ask? I feel so alone. I hv my mom ,brother, sister n dad left in my family, but they're tired of hearing about me being miserable. Its to the point nobody wants to be around me. Im recognizing all of this now, but how do I turn things around? Am I even curable?! I feel like a miserable, horrible ugly person. Im not mean, im very generous, im kind, respectful, etc. I dunno how much more I can be to everyone but myself.

Robin - posted on 07/30/2012

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My boyfriend of almost 17 years is always on my nerves for a lot of different reasons, if you love this man you need to set him down and tell him ur feelings. For one he needs to remove anyone u do not agree with from facebook. The first year is the hardest, believe me I have been through. A lot of crap over the years, but he knows I can be just as bad to him if he acts like that to me. You talk to a few men on fb and when he gets mad, tell him u r doing no more than he is doing. Don't let yourself feel like crap, when he sees that u can use fb in the same way he will think twice before he uses fb again. Throw out an ex bf name at him a cople of times, see how he feels. Do not let him put it all on you. Believe me if he loves you, he will calm his butt down and makke sure you r happy in the relationship too. Plus you guys have a baby together!!! What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You stay strong and give him twice back the crap that he gives you. You go irl and know that u r a storng woman. He sees that and he will calm his ass down. From one who has been in ur shoes

Mary - posted on 07/30/2012

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Leave him. He has to pay child support for the child you have together. It can even be garnished from his wages. Get a job and save money first if you need to. Also, he is NOT a good guy. Stop telling yourself that. Good guys do notable you feel the way you feel.

Stifler's - posted on 07/30/2012

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He's obviously unwilling to work things out if hes still doing all this despite counseling.

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