should i let him

Ashley - posted on 03/03/2010 ( 201 moms have responded )

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should i let his birth father give up his righs so he doesn't have to pay child support and put his butt in jail or let him support his child.?

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[deleted account]

If he wants to give up his rights I would let him and have your husband adopt him. What if something were to happen to you and the bio father all of a sudden decided he wanted to play 'daddy'? Your husband would have a heck of fight to keep who is essentially HIS son and your boy could end up being forced to live w/ a 'stranger' simply because of the biological connection.



Good luck!!!

Lyndsay - posted on 03/03/2010

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I think the answer depends on what the birth father wants. If he wants no part of your child's life, you can't make him be a father. So you might as well just let him give up his rights and eliminate the possibility of issues later on.

Melanie - posted on 03/03/2010

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I have three beautiful girls, and I from the beginning, told there Dad as long as he see them, I would not file, but we got a divorce in 05' and He has seen them 10 in five years... Girl don't you dare let him give up his rights... that's a dead beat Dad for ya... file on him and make him pay its his responsibility... he should of thought about that before.. he should of wore a condom.... lol... sorry... but you are going to need all the help you can get... and if is wanting that then that means one thing... he will have to pay and he probably wont be around anyways but at least you will have the child support to help you raise you baby...

Grandma - posted on 03/05/2010

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If the Child's Birth Father wants to give up his rights just because he doesn't WANT to pay Child Support(boohoo!), then I would tell him to suck it up and be responsible for what he had a major part in, and that was creating that Child. Some Fathers, as well as Mothers, look for the easy way out, a way that is beneficial to them. Either they are ignorant and just plain lazy and don't want to contribute to the well-being of their child. Well guess what... THAT SUCKS TO BE THEM!! HELL NO to allowing him to give up his rights... he helped create the Child, he needs to assume responsiblity and support his Child. I'm guessing ya'll are quite young and don't understand the financial burden of a Child. The older the Child gets, the more expensive they get. The Father needs to contribute financially 'cause that is HIS RESPONSIBILITY as well as yours!!!! That is the very least he can do for the Child whether he sees the Child or chooses not to. Nobody should have to carry that financial burden by themselves, especially when the BIRTH FATHER is still alive and capable of working and providing for HIS child. Stand up for your Child and get every dime you can get from that SOB!! It doesn't matter if it's a Birth Father or Birth Mother that is a dead beat, they need to assume responsibility. The Child didn't ask to be born and it is your responsibility and his to make sure that Child has a life to be proud of. There are enough screwed up kids in this world. Do ya'll wanna add your child to that list?? No Parent deserves to take the easy way out!! MAKE HIM PAY!!

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201 Comments

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Judy - posted on 03/05/2010

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Only if you have other means for male role providing support. My thought is that, it took two to make this child and I'n sorry you will be left supporting this child, not only financially but emotionally, physically and more by yourself. I was a single parent of 1 daughter and realized this point when the birth father was a threat to our well being. He eventually was court ordered to pay child support which I could not have done without nor should I since I was the only one suffering the consequences of parenthood. Now, my daughter old enough to have a family of her own found herself in a similar situation with one difference. She had a man come into the picture early on and take on the father role for her son. However, she continued to argue for child support from birth father and won. It has helped their family' , now with four children, to be able to provide for this firstborn in a better way. So think twice in relenquishing your rights to provide things easier for your child.

Vika - posted on 03/05/2010

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think about what would be better in the long term for your baby. my kids father spent 4 months of their life all up with them and they are nearly 6. he has been in jail for the last year and half, he calls them every weekend and has made promises to be a better father and all, i will not believe it till i see it but i feel like i owe it to my kids to try... so if you think that there is a chance he might change give him a go but if he is one of those losers that will never grow up then go for it but remember if yous are still young then he might grow up. think long and hard before you make a choice coz its not just your choice to make.......

Ann - posted on 03/05/2010

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I have a little different view on this subject. I had my first child when I was 18 years old. Her father denied paternity, and cut all ties with me. I had a wonderful support network with family and friends, landed a great job, and was able to support the two of us on my own. I married a few years later, and my husband became the only father my daughter knew. Unfortunately, that marraige ended in divorce 10 years later, when my daughter was about 13 years old. I decided at that point it was time to tell her about her biological father. She decided to sit on the information until she turned 18. Then the hunt began, and she eventually met her father. He is an honest, caring, hardworking individual that was open armed, and ready to accept his daughter into his life. My daughter, unfortunately, can't accept that, and has decided she doesn't want him in her life. It's heartbreaking for me and her father, and she is torn up. I feel so guilty, because if I would have stood up, and made him take responsibilty at the time, they both could have had a different life. It might have been worse, and it might have been better. My selfishness denied my daughter of her father, and vise-versa. People change...you baby's father might be a dipshit right now...but he might need a wake up call. Or, just a good slap upside the head!

Gail - posted on 03/05/2010

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I was so grateful when my ex gave up all rights to my daughter at 2 years old. I liked that he had no say where I lived and I didn't have to give my daughter to him everyother weekend. I also didn't have to go to court to try and get money he would never pay anyway. It was tough, but I made it okay. I met a wonderful man that I married 33 years ago and he adopted her with in the first year. I couldn't ask for a better father for my daughter and my daughter loves him so much. When we married my ex wanted children but he showed his temper after we married, not a good enviroment for my child. My ex would never have been a good father, he loved his life to much to settle down and be a good father. You will know the right answer and what is best for your child.

Gil-Lana - posted on 03/05/2010

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If your childs father doesnt want to be a dad let him be. The money is not all that anyway.Men fail to realize that it is what he brings to life is what makes the child. A father is a job that not everyone can do. So if he cant do it then let him go, your child deserves better.

Evy - posted on 03/05/2010

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only you know what kind of father he would be, if he would be capable of being a father or not, remember just bacause he gives child support does not garantee to be a good dad,children have a right to know who there father are, and dads have a right to see their kids even if it's once a year. I had a very bad experience with one of my kids father but this was personal betwwen him and me, but I couldn't let that get between child and dad at the long run... kids feel as well as adults and when they get older they can decide for themselves if they want dad to be included in their lives or not. I let him see his child whenever and I never complaint about him not giving child support at times, I would remind him every now and then only because you don't know when you might get sick and not be able to work as much as you're use to and suddenly you might not have to buy milk, because you had to pay a bill, also because of this putting him in jail might not be the best idea,also I never spoke negative things about their dad cuase I didn't want to be the cause of a bad father and child relationship and then let the child throw at you when they get older. So firs calculate fathers emotions is he caring or is he loving do you think he would be responsible sometime in the future, sometimes you can figure this out by looking at his backround like what kind of parents his has, where and how he grew up, with or without affection, what about his brother or sisters (if any) how are they, it's very hard to make a decision, try not to rush on it, you want to take the right decision and in a relax atmosphere. good luck

Leanne - posted on 03/05/2010

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It depends, is he involved? If he is not involved then purhaps it might be better to cut him loose, at the end of the day you probably wont see the money anyway, and it gives you more rights, ie passports, my ex has not seen his kids or spoken or sent presents or anything in 14 years, child support is as rare as hens teeth, i think last count was around $40,000 owing, not going to see a dime of it, thats ok because i have full custody and was able to take my child overseas without his permission, it was well worth $40,000. Not to mention future relaitionships, your kids will have a closer relaitionship with thier step father because their is no interference, again worth $40,0000, cut him loose babe, if he has no contact.......

[deleted account]

This is a hard question. For me, I would let him terminate rights because my son having an actual father figure is important to me, the money isn't. This would leave things open so in the future if you found someone who cared for you and your son, you would be able to make it official through adoption. I agree with Amy Macyk. Whatever you choose to do, you need to do it all the way and stick with it!

Kathy - posted on 03/05/2010

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Sorry I am alittle late coming in on this, and I didn't read everything... But if you have a new husband in your life that is willing to take on that responsibility, and is going to adopt your son and take care of him as if he is his own than YES definitely let your ex give up his rights if thats what he wants... Cuz truly whats important here is your son, and if your new husband and your son have a bond than thats wonderful. And take it from me you don't have to have a biological bond to be a parent.

Kathy - posted on 03/05/2010

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Wow this is tough... On one hand I say F him for wanting to give up his rights, but on the other hand if you don't let him do that than he just won't be around anyway. The only thing I worry about is your son is going to want to know who his father is one day, and how the hell do you tell a child that their father didn't want them. That could be extremely hard for your child to handle. I don't know this is tough... Does your babys dad want to give up his rights?

Kimberley - posted on 03/05/2010

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Hi a bit late on this subject..... But you are probably right on letting your husband adopt your son. The System really stinks when it comes to child support and the Attorney Generals Office is back logged with cases and unless you can afford good Lawyer to get the money that is due to you and your child it is a long long process and by that time your son would be college age. Sad but true these dead beat jerks seem to get away with it for sometime... I'm going through it as I type this to you. If you have a good man in your life now and a good role model for your child and you know that he will be there no matter what for your child go for it. My son is now 17 years old with off and on support from his sperm donor and he is soo depressed knowing his dad does not care enough to have not paid support for the last 10 + years he is 40,000.00 arrears and I doubt we will ever see it. Save yourself the headach and your son the heartache.

Mean while my sons sperm donor hangs in all the local bars and has many expensive tatoo's and has brought 2 more kids in this world and has 2 others before mine that he des not pay for! Good Luck to you what ever you choose.

Tsvety - posted on 03/05/2010

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yeah his support is worthless. he stayed with him few months before he was one and he had his mom and dad take care of him. and was more worried about screwing every girl in sight. last time he saw him i told him no to be in and out of his life. grow up and take care of whats his. try for him to step up and didn't want to take that step. yes i know it takes alittle longer for a man to grow up but if you know you have a child that needs taken care of he should come first beyond anything else in his life. from get a job so i can take care of him, spend time with him so he knows who i am and not be that guy that visit once a month. that hurts the child in the long run not me or the bio father. i know you ladies think it may be best for him to stay in his life but many of chances have been given to step up in his sons life and nothing was done. his little sister on his father side is going through the same thing and the mom is about to give up cause his sister wants to see him but he doesn't come. so now i think my mind is i think made up. i have a steady income. don't have to worry about pay check to pay check now. or where i'm going to live. i think it is going to be best off if he was out of his life. doesn't need to go through the hurt. thank you ladies for all your advice and what you think it helped out





Yes, I think you have found the best course. I don't agree that it is up to him. He's left you and your baby. It's your decision now. And the best way (I understand that it's easier for me to say, than for you to do, but nevertheless) is to remove him from your life. You are doing good! You have managed, and you have found a way and you have found strength to create a new family. With a good father to your child and a good husband next to you. You created it, and you must protect it. Because happiness is fragile, and you don't need in a few years his dad to come barging in. Wanting a share off you, just as you have created a good life for yourself. When your child has found someone steady to look up to, and you too of course. ;o)

He has no right to ruin it a second time around for you and your child, if he wishes. You need to have all the cards, if such a day comes.

Well, you know best. I think, I know you will be all right.

All the best and good luck. ;o)

Amanda - posted on 03/05/2010

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This is kind of a tough one. I would have to say go with whatever your gut tells you. If you think that he will actually spend time with your child and be a father, let him keep his rights. If you think that he is going to be a dead beat and ignore your child, let him sever his rights so that he can never disrupt your child life.

Katrina - posted on 03/05/2010

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Its a very tough choice to make, the only advice I can give you is from the perspective of being a child in that situation. My bio father had very little to do witth my sister and I after my mum left him, and he barely paid child support either, I was 12 when he asked my step-dad to adopt us so he didnt have to pay. In the end my step-dad did adopt us and we consider him to be our father in every way and have and want nothing to do with our bio father. But in the 12 years he was legally our father were 12 years of broken promises, anger and dissapointment. I've never regretted it and love my step dad so much. All you can do is what you think is best for that child in the long term. Good Luck ^_^

Aime - posted on 03/05/2010

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I allowed the father of my now 6 year old son to terminate his rights when my son was just weeks old. Yes I could have held him liable and made him pay for a child he didnt want or I could which I did let him off the hook, and now when my son is older and "cool" to hang out with I can say NO, had I collected child support all these years there isnt a Judge out there that wouldnt give that man some sort of visitation rights. I would just hate to see a single mother bust her butt for years to see a man who barly knows her child get weekends or something just because he sent a check every month. A check does not make a dad.

Dany - posted on 03/05/2010

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If he doesn't want to be apart of his childs life, then thats his business. You should collect as much child support as you can, though. Just because he doesn't want to be around doesn't mean that your child should suffer because of it. So let him give up his rights, but get his money for your kiddo.

Jessie - posted on 03/05/2010

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He need to pay child support. And if it is court ordered it will come directly out of his check no matter where he works. If he is a jerk or abusive you can still keep him away if needed. Don't let him get away without paying. Your son deserves all the support he can get in this world!

Nancy - posted on 03/05/2010

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Let the sperm donor give up his rights. It sounds like your son has a good father already. Plus leaving the window open for him to "grow up" later on will only hurt you, your son, and his REAL dad (the one who's helping you raise him). Your son doesn't need the sperm donor to hurt him and mess with his head.



I am a mom who's been through this. It'll be better for your son, you and this father-figure if this guy's not in the picture at all.



Also remember, the sperm donor didn't get to choose whether or not you would abort, raise the child or give it up for adoption. That choice remains ours alone. He's not ready, and it sounds like he never will be. Cut him loose!

Carla - posted on 03/05/2010

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Do what you think is best for your child....even if it hurst you!

I am sorry, but it is my honest opinion!

Stacey - posted on 03/05/2010

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It's not so much about "letting" him pay child support....He Should pay....regardless of whether or not he's involved in the childs life. My sister's father got every other weekend, and some holidays, and he Still paid support until my sister was 18. If I didn't have to worry about my childs father being mentally, and physically abusive, I would go after my sons father.....regardless of whether or not he got visitation rights. But, I am So afraid of retaliation, that I've decided not to do it.



You're the one who has to make the choice. But, whether or not the "sperm donor" gets visitation, he Should pay support.

Yrene - posted on 03/05/2010

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If he doesn't want to be involved then any amount of money won't make up for that. Having a bad relationship is much worse than no relationship at all. Go with faith in your heart and in God.

Brandie - posted on 03/05/2010

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never mind what you think or feel about him. do whats right for your child. sorry to say but sometimes its better if the father is not involved... so you can either take him for all he is worth (money wise) wich gives him the right to be in his childs life, wich he may decide to have him on holidays etc to get back at you... or let him walk out, and know that your child is always safe and taken care of with you. is a few extra bucks a month worth it for your child?

[deleted account]

I wouldn't let birth father give up rights. He needs to pay child support, if he choses not to then his butt should go to jail. It's not your sons fault and he deserves his dad to support him.

Ashley - posted on 03/05/2010

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no u should not my sons father does not have anything to do with him and he tried to do that and i had to prove that my son was his now he pays child support plus my son has a wonderfull step dad that loves him as his own

Chrissy - posted on 03/05/2010

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I was under the impression that he was being threatened to sign away his parental rights since he wasn't paying support. To me, it seems like a child is just a paycheck these days. I did without child support forever working $10/hr. I love my son. I didn't go to court or ask the dad to give up his rights. Why would I do that? If he didn't want to see him, he already wasn't seeing him. There was nothing to give up. But he was always welcome to come and develop a relationship. I disagree that the kids are better off without. That's what angry people say. Some sort of relationship is better than none. I know what none is like. Forgiveness is a good example for children.

Becky - posted on 03/05/2010

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ive been through this with my son.his father didnt want out to do with him or pay child support. if ur sons father wants to give up his rights i would let him as he obviously isnt good enough for ur son but i would say to hm if he gives them up u wont allow him back into ur sons life as its not fair on him walking in and out of ur sons life as for child support it the worst thing ever i went for it and its took me nearly 7 years to start to get payments so i wouldnt bother with that.find urself a new man who is willing to take u on with ur son and let him be a dad its less painfull and stressfull, as ive always said a man isnt called a dad cause he created a child its what he does for the child ie bringing him up and caring for them and providing. gud luck hun in what u decide

Natalia - posted on 03/05/2010

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My advice would be to let him give up his rights. Especialy since u have a loving father figure in urs and ur childs life. A lot of the time we think that te money is important,but if this guy is not really a emotional support for ur child and he is too busy gettin high and partying then ur baby does not need him. You don't need someone messed up getting involved in his life. Also later on for travel or anything that is important in ur child's life this person can control these things by not signing a paper or giving u the right to travel by not giving consent. There are a lot of things. I watched my Cousin go thru this kinda stuff. If he wants to then let him give it up. Maybe jail will be his salvation.

Andrea - posted on 03/05/2010

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it's actually not your money - but rather the childrens money for their right to a better quality of life....I am fighting with the same decisions, but i believe he should support his child even if he chooses to abandon. If he walks away thats for him to live with, you will still have the right to some money either from his wages, benifits, rrsps, or even through single parent child tax benifits and so on. I wouldn't let him off the hook too easily, but I would be weary of his intentions. Sounds like mine, would rather take the kids into his life to save money - and thats not what its all about. Now that he sees he still has to pay, he wants out...

good luck to you. My heart goes out to your little one/ones. I know how it feels as a mom. It might be best for you to go after some money, but keep the kid/kids from him if he will only leave in the end, it is bad for them to go through it repeatedly I think.

Bridgette - posted on 03/05/2010

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Frist thing first. Does he pay child support like he should? Second did he come to you with this? Third what is the relationship yall have? The most important does he spen quality time with the baby? If he is paying like he should, No. If he came to you about this cause he doesnt want to pay and he is a dead beat, Yes cause you can do bad ALL BY YOURSELF!!! If the relationship y'all have is good then no cause you can work something out. If he is spending quality time then no cause thats what we as parents thrive for !!!

Mary - posted on 03/05/2010

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you really have to think of what is best for your child in the long run! make sure the child knows who their father is no matter what or that baby will be hurt in the future. make the father pay child support, you gonna need it. trust me you will!

Agnes - posted on 03/05/2010

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I too am going through the same situation. I am getting married soon and basically my ex was expecting my fiance to take care of his child financially. Which is when I told him that Kyle (my fiance) is more than willing to do that, but if he chooses not pay child support, then my ex's rights will be transferred over to Kyle. Hope this helps.

Eleni - posted on 03/05/2010

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How old is your child? I think it all depends on what is good for you and your child. If it is helping and he is a good father than No, If he is more trouble than it is worth, get rid of him. Or get rid of him and still get child support to help you out some. Tough decision. I would do what was best for my kids.

Christina - posted on 03/05/2010

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Has the father contributed anything ever since your child was born? If not and you have been supporting your child on your own, then why have the father in both of your lives. If i was in your situation and the father never helped the i wouldnt want anything to with him. But if all of a sudden he doesnt want to help the i would make him pay child support.

Sara - posted on 03/05/2010

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FYI....just because the father gives up his rights doesn't mean that he is not responsible to pay child support. You can't force a man to be a father if he doesn't want to. You have to stand your ground and decide what is best for your child. Just remember....parenting is a FULL TIME job. There is no such thing as PART TIME PARENTING!!! Stick with whatever decide....best of luck!!

Kristin - posted on 03/05/2010

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i say let him pay support and let him have visitation....ur son is going to resent u for keeping is dad away from him in the future i know its hard at this point but u need to do whats right for u and ur child.

Patricia - posted on 03/05/2010

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Ashley, in order to advise you, I would need to have a lot more data. Does he want to stay involved in the child's life? Do you need the financial support (a rich celebrity like Britney Spears would not, for example, need such support)? What kind of man is he? Would he be a good example for your child? Or would he be a bad influence? How has he treated YOU in the course of your time with him? Are you connected with his family at all? Is he connected with yours? All of these are important questions to consider before making a decision.

Shelli - posted on 03/05/2010

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I wouldn't let him give up his rights... that's only going to hurt your son in the long run. It sounds like your ex won't be in your son's life right now either way, so you may as well get the child support that you and your son have the right to receive.

Liza - posted on 03/05/2010

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this is my oppinion; if the bio wants to give up rights, let him, but tell what will or will not happen if he chooses this way out. and if you have a great guy who wants to be the daddy and take responibilty let him. as soon as the termination process is final let the good guy adopt. every child needs a father wether blood or love. my daddy is really my step dad, but he stepped in and loved and cared for like a biodad should. think of the child and what is best for him. is he conected with the good dad? if so there is your answer! good luck and god bless!

Tara - posted on 03/05/2010

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Your husband sounds like an amazing man!! He is and always will be more than enough of a father to your son. My brothers went through the same thing with their biological mother (although she asked for money in return for custody...) My mom has been there for them since they were 2 and 4yrs old (now they're 39 and 41) As long as you and your husband love him unconditionally, that's all that matters. If all he's done is 'donate his sperm", he's not a father. It takes more than having sex to become a parent - mother OR father.

Do what you think is best for your son - although it sounds as if you already have! You will have all the answers you need when your son comes and asks why his biological father isn't in his life. It'll be hard, but he'll have the love and support of his 'real' parents!!

Amie - posted on 03/05/2010

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unless you want to get married and you husband wants to adopt him. I would let the birthfather pay for it forever!

Amie - posted on 03/05/2010

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unless you want to get married and you husband wants to adopt him. I would let the birthfather pay for it forever!

Jody - posted on 03/05/2010

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Do not let him off the hook!

Child Suport is a right guaranteed by our laws to your child. I once heard a Children's Advocate tell a parent,"It is not your right to dismiss child support b/c it's a right granted to your child, not you."



Even if at this point you are able to finicanially care for yourself and your child, you don't know what lies ahead such as job loss or health prblems, which would effect your ability to provide for your child. If if he's not be supportive now, "signing off" could limit the child's financial resources when they are needed the most.



If not already, file through your local domestic relations office for support. If he's non-compliant it's a matter of record and there are reprocutions. Also, if he's ever awarded money through social security or law suit, you will be paid.

[deleted account]

My children wanted it, yes they were only 4 and 6 at the time, but they knew they did NOT want to go to his house. They were afraid of him because he was abusive to them. They are now 19 and 21 and have never ever been upset with me for allowing their bio dad to give them up. He has tried to come back into their lives now that they are older and tried to take credit for how great they have turned out. BUT my kids have told him he was just a sperm donner and they want nothing to do with him!!!!! Kids are smart and they see things for what the truly are!!!!

Gina - posted on 03/05/2010

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hell no...he put IN on having the child..he needs to support the child or spend time in jail. either way he pays...yeah you may not reap the benefits, but maybe one day he'll learn what he did and is doing is wrong. and mmaybe he will realize and start actually paying...im still hoping my little girls dad will chose to pay her support instead of choosing drugs. good luck

Joanne - posted on 03/05/2010

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Money, revenge or trying to force someone to do the right thing aren't what's in the best interest of the child if the man is unworthy to be a father. I would jump for joy if my daughter's father, a violent, manipulative, narcisstic drunk, asked me if he could give up his rights. I don't receive help that I could really use from the state for fear they'll give him access to my child. I live in fear that he will show up on our doorstep after almost 4 years and try to put on the daddy hat.

You know this man and what he is or isn't capable of and if there's a chance he could harm your child, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually, the answer is there. I would rather let a man of "scott free" than risk my childs spirit with an inconsistent and unwilling father, one who will probably be harboring a great deal of anger for being "forced" to be a parent.

Lynda - posted on 03/05/2010

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My ex owes over 15 grand....we asked him several times to give up his rights so that he wouldn't have to pay support and that my current husband could adopt them...I would say let him give them up because most likely you will be dragging his butt to court all the time anyway for non payment

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