Should I let him be at the birth or not?

Porchia - posted on 12/14/2011 ( 202 moms have responded )

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I am 7 weeks from my due date & I haven't heard from the father in over a month in a half now, My mom keeps saying that when I go into labor she was going to call him, I think if he haven't showed me any concerns or check up on me, that means he not planning on being there for the child am I right or wrong? So therefore I don't think he should be there he knows my due date.... How can you start a conversation with this person before the time comes, so i want get my hopes up.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/14/2011

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I don't think there is any harm in telling him, but I would not invite him to the birth. You are going to be in a place that you need a lot of support emotionally, and you don't need the extra burden of a dead beat dad coming and causing thing to be uncomfortable or difficult with you. If he wanted to be a part of this, he would have made an attempt to contact you. It might be best in my opinion, to tell him after the fact. This is NOT your mothers child, nor is it HER birth. She needs to respect your wishes and not go behind your back.

Elfrieda - posted on 12/14/2011

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Well, all I know is that I didn't want anyone who was stressing me out in the same room when I was giving birth. My mom, who is wonderful and supportive, was also very anxious and wringing her hands about the pain her baby was about to experience. Out! That is not helpful. It was only my husband and my midwives.

I would suggest that you have neither your mom nor the father of the baby in the room. Get a calm friend to be there instead. You need calm vibes, not stressful ones. If you feel stressed, it can actually slow down labour, and you don't want that!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/14/2011

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Tell her you are all grown up and don't need mommy telling you what you need to do. That you are making the best decision for YOURSELF! That she can disagree with your choice, but it is still YOUR decision. Also, he does not need to be there for the birth in order to sign the BC. You will be there about 2 days for vag delivery, and up to 4 for a c section depending on how the birth goes. He can come the day after your baby is born. Your mom needs to chill and mind her own business when you tell her you don't want her opinion.

Danielle - posted on 12/14/2011

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only have who you want trust me w my 1st i had my mom there, she was no help made everything harder and actually pulled mu hip out because she insisted on pulling on mu leg durring pushing which mad it really hard to recover, with the next one she wanted to be there and i told her no this is my birth and i dont want people there my hubby was the only one there when we conceived hes the only one there for birth, pluss my mom tryed to hold baby before me and hubby too, so i decided only supportive people from now on, congrats on your upcomming birth, i would try to get a dula to help you so you dont have stress and she can speak up for you

Merry - posted on 12/14/2011

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only have in the rooom who YOU want! its going to be a hard day and very emotional and you need as much peace and calm as possible. invite who will help you have a wonderful birth. and the dad can come the next day!

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Donya - posted on 09/17/2012

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I could use some help as well I'm in the same boat but everysince I found out I was pregnant the father has not given me any support during this pregnancy and we recently broke up n havnt heard from him since. And I agree on what was said about not having him in the room because of stress and feeling uncomfortable and that's something I dnt want to go through because I feel like if he not here for me now he might not be there then.. But I don't know.

[deleted account]

It is your decision,& you Mum deffinately needs to respect your wishes.Your gut feeling is always right so they say.Listen to the voice in your head.Good luck!!!

Kristen - posted on 02/19/2012

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I didnt her from the father of mi bby mi whole pregnancy but every time i went into the hospital for preterm labor everything i always told him i never got a response but i always kept him updated him so that way in the future u cn say u did wat u did and u didnt keep ur bby from him mi bf didnt agree but atleast ur not looked at as the bad person mi bby even had strokes at 2 weeks old and an infection in his spinal fluid that traveled to his brain and still no response from his father but i knew i was doing wat i could i wasnt the "bad" person hope ths helps

Tammy - posted on 02/19/2012

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I agree with calling him on the birth plan. If he wants to come to the hosp; that might be what brings him around to accept his responsibility. That does not mean you need him the delivery room. You need to think about the people in your life that you trust and have a past with you that has proven to help you through anything. You are going to be through the toughest part of your life thus far in that room and you don't need the drama of him being in there if you don't want him to be.



Personally I am not in your position as I was married to the father of my children but I also had my sister in there with me all three times. She is one that has been at my side all through my life and I knew when things got heated and stressed that my husband would be stressed as well. This gave him the freedom to walk out of the room for a breather and I knew that I would not be left alone at all. This worked great for me but you need to figure out what is the best for you. That day will be about you and your new bundle of joy and he needs to realize that.

Shadai - posted on 02/17/2012

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You should call him when you get to the hospital and tell him where you are. Dont ask him to come.

[deleted account]

I had a very controlling mother.You need to do what is best for you.Listen to the voice in your head.I will pray for you & your little one.Good luck,God Bless!

[deleted account]

I would call and tell him that I was working on my birth plan and who needs to be contacted when its baby time and simply ask him if he wants to be there or not.

Erin - posted on 01/11/2012

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Not allowing someone to the birth does NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT equal the child not knowing his father. Him not being at the birth only means that during an emotionally an physically taxing time, he's not in the room making her uncomfortable and possibly causing some emotional stress. If she doesn't feel comfortable with him being in the room with her, it's her right as the patient to have her privacy. I as a nurse would have no problem kicking ANYONE out if my patient's room if my patient was not comfortable with them being there. Patient comes first. The father can still be involved with the child even if he's not present for the birth.

Jessica - posted on 01/11/2012

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All kids deserve to know their dad. Just because we dont like everything they do it isnt our father. Men should however pay child support. I'd never foul up the relationship between me and my kids fathers. I'll never have that weight on my shoulders. Not my dad. Not my relationship to ruin. I could never look at my kids and know that Im the reason their dad isnt around.

Jessica - posted on 01/11/2012

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All kids deserve to know their dad. Just because we dont like everything they do it isnt our father. Men should however pay child support. I'd never foul up the relationship between me and my kids fathers. I'll never have that weight on my shoulders. Not my dad. Not my relationship to ruin. I could never look at my kids and know that Im the reason their dad isnt around.

Erin - posted on 01/10/2012

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If hasn't shown any interest, and you're this close, I wouldn't want him there. There is going to be enough going on without the drama of him being around. Quite honestly, if my mother were to pull that, I'd tell her that if she made the call she'd be kicked out of the delivery room. Yes, it would be great to have your mother there, but my mother couldn't make it to the hospital until I was literally minutes from having my C-Section (unplanned), I didn't even see her until I came out of the OR, my DH informed that she walked onto the floor right as he was being allowed in. If she does decide that she calls him, and he decides to show up, YOU'RE the patient. All you have to do is tell your nurse that you don't want him there, and he can't be.

Brandy - posted on 01/10/2012

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To be honest with you ... I would at least try before you give up.. call him an ask him, if he says he is going to be there give him a chance to be there an if he doesn't show then keep it moving with out him. Don't get your hopes up tho just to save tears or dissappointment.

Brandy - posted on 01/10/2012

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To be honest with you ... I would at least try before you give up.. call him an ask him, if he says he is going to be there give him a chance to be there an if he doesn't show then keep it moving with out him. Don't get your hopes up tho just to save tears or dissappointment.

Shaz - posted on 01/04/2012

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i would sent him a message with updates. if you dont want him at the labour then you are well within ur rights for him not to be there. I would let ur mum call him when it happens and then atleast you have done ur part and then its up to him what he wants to do. he could just be scared of fatherhood, better to be safe than sorry. hope this helps and all the best for the future xx

Jodie - posted on 01/04/2012

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Simple really, just ask him what he wants as it is his baby too. He might not want to be there.

Bonnie - posted on 01/02/2012

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You can still get child support he DOES NOT need to sign the BC the court will just give him a test if he Denys the baby and he will pay for the test not you

Bonnie - posted on 01/02/2012

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I have been in this situation and honestly it's a decision you and only you can make. Having a baby is a very personal and sensitive time in your life you will be in a very volnerable position and state of mind it's a private moment that should be shared with someone who cares about you and your baby but to block someone out of that can also be difficult make a pros and cons list to best help you decide

Catherine - posted on 01/01/2012

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It's a completely personal decision for you alone to make Porchia. Just go with what your instincts are telling you and don't let anyone push any decisions like this one, on you though. Mums you got to love them but they seem to forget just how stressful this bit of pregnancy is for all mums. There is a lot more to being a dad than getting someone pregnant and at some point he will have to face up to his responsibilities and you will find the strength to have those conversations, trust me your going to be a mum! When you are ready you will know it. Good luck Mummy and remember you will only always be right till this baby becomes a mum or dad many years down the line! Good Luck
Cath x

Hillary - posted on 12/31/2011

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Porcia- it is ABSOLUTELY your choice. SOme guys are very detached from the whole pregnancy/baby thing until the baby is here. Yes, their are plenty of dead-beat loser immature fathers- but that isn't every one. A lot of fathers don't know how to process or deal with the pregnancy- but once the baby is here reality steps in. For some fathers -yes, it freaks them out more. But If I were you I would give him the opportunity to be there. Call him when you're in labor and let him know- at least you're making the effort to give him the benefit of the doubt --and to step up and man up. If you don't tell him you may regret it. If you do, and he comes- things may go really well. If they don't go well, you can have him removed and that will be his own fault... But at least you try.
I honestly think that for most MEN (not boys) when they actually see what labor entails they really do see the miracle in it and often gain more respect for the mother for enduring it. It isn't easy- and none of us know this guy so it really does make it hard. But I really do feel that giving him the opportunity to step up really is the best option.
Hope for the best- expect the worst.

Jessica - posted on 12/30/2011

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I wanted to mention too Ive seen children grow with out their fathers sure they live..there 18 20 now but they always have on the back of their minds I wonder what my dad is like. I wonder why he isnt here. And like I bet a lot of mother could say well thats because I pushed him out because he didnt live up to MY ways... Thats no good. Its like could have the relationship been better?

Jessica - posted on 12/30/2011

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Yeah totally dont take your kids away from their dad because they dont live up to what you think they should do. Always be friendly and keep lines of communication open.

Jessica - posted on 12/30/2011

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Thanks Gabriella. I lived with my mom and dad until I was five. My dad was my super hero. My mother left him which was fine. BUT she took me and my sister away from him too for two years. In the two years I happen to be in a certain delevopement process that we all go thru. The security stage. My mother had other men around me and the anger still crops up now sometimes and Im 34. All I can remember thinknig is where is my dad, who is this man, who is that man, how could dhe take my daddy away, why don't I see my daddy. It hurt me so bad as a child that I remember calling my mom mean names, beating my sister up, ruining my mothers things, gonig outside and not listening to her when she told me to come inside. From the pain being over bearing for me at that age I supressed it of course. And dont you know it allll came back out when I grew up! Ive been going to therapy for yearsss. I have trust issues with women. Have a hard time feeling safe. I had bad agoraphobia for a long timr and still am dealing with it. NOT saying all kids turn out this way but if there is a chance they can? Its not worth seeing if it will.

My mother ended up finally bringing me to my dad one weekend when I was seven or eight because I would not stop about where my dad went. I stayed for a weekend. She came back after and asked if I couldstay for a week. Came backafter a week, asked if I could stay for a the summer. Well I ended up living with him for the rest of my life. And now hes old and lives with me. He helps me sooo much with my kids (I have two girls and they have different fathers) he helps with everything. I love him so much. So so much. So please ladies. If a man choses not to be in a childs life let it be because THEY made the choice. Their karma will catch up with them in the long run. I know how it is to raise a child alone I watch my friends do it every step of the way. I left my older daughters father but you better bet your ass I never ever stopped her from being with him just because he was mean to me. Thats not MY dad. Its not up to ME to decide the fate of their relationship. ♥ Crap fathers will hangthemselves believe me. I never wanted for my daughters to ever be able to point the finger at me and say why didnt I get to see my dad? Why doesnt my dad love me. NO thanks I dont want that on my concious. And plus I was hurt and know how it feels.

Hilary - posted on 12/30/2011

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I agree with you Angel..... I had my mother and my sister in there with me. They are the ones that supported me my whole pregnancy, not baby daddy. He didn't deserve to be in there to see my baby girl enter this world. I feel thats a privilege he didn't deserve. And even if your mom does call him, you don't have to let him in the room. The nurses only let who you approve in the room.....Best of luck with the new baby!!

Angel - posted on 12/30/2011

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I was married to my daughter's sperm donor at the time of her birth. Although we were seperated,I allowed him to be at her birth.Crazy me thought that if he saw her be born,held her,etc. it would make him want to be a better man,and a father to her. What a joke!!! He has never done anything for her,no calls,emails,anything;and certainly not a cent of support. If I had it to do over,I would have took my best friend into delivery with me,and had security throw him out.Best advice is go with your heart;cause in the end it's going to be just you and your baby.Do whats best for you.

Hilary - posted on 12/30/2011

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The question is, do you want him there? My daughters father knew the date I was being induced and I didnt hear from him, so I didn't call him. I honestly didn't want him there. If he is showing you his true colors now, then thats how he will be as a father.

Gabriela - posted on 12/30/2011

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This is exactly what Im referring to Jessica below is a clear example of what happens when mothers get on their high horse and feel as though they are the only parent worthy most important Jessica please tell us how you tried to fill the void you felt not having your dad around and how you have told your mom you wish she hadnt kept you from him.

Jessica - posted on 12/30/2011

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And another thing. If the dad comes in and out of your childs life always remember when your child gets big it will see its father for who he really is with out you sayng one bad word.

Jessica - posted on 12/30/2011

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Forgive me...Just my opinion. I would call him and tell him when you go into delivery. You never know what is going thru his head. Also...I think babies deserve to see their fathers. Its like who are we to say no? What I mean is I see so many mothers give the dad a hard time because they dont do what WE want them to do...or they dont pay attention to US. Its not about us. Its like if a man is willing to com around to see his kid...dont make it hard for him. Make it a friendly envirnment and alwys welcome him and dont argue with him. Believe me this is coming from a kid who didnt get to see their dad and it scarred me for life. My mom was mad at my dad because he wouldnt listen to HER but let me tell you he is the BEST dad to ME. You see what Im trying to say.

Kathy - posted on 12/29/2011

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the only reason I would want her to have any ties w/a deadbeat dad is for health reasons when she is older but if he shows no signs of interest cut the ties and be thankful he is out of your life. Children are too precious and many men would love to have a daddys girl to raise and teach her about life being happy with a mom and a dad in the house remember it is better to be from a broken home than to live in one.

Cathy - posted on 12/29/2011

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porchia i didnt call my baby's father til she was 3 weeks old he has seen her 3 times in her life his mother see;s her 1-2xs a year he hasnt call to wish her happy birthday merry christmas nothing no letter no emails i found someone special in my life and he has taken her under his wings she calls him dad but does know she has a father out there and knows a dad is there and loves her and takes care of her, we have a nother baby together wich make our family complete now i will tell you my becca is now 10 years old i wish you all the best and wish you all the luck in the world ,being a single mom is tough and my mom helped me get through the tough times as long as mom dont step on your toes let her be involve my dad was also very involved and my kids called him dad to so if your dad is around let him in too .if you need to have a male figure around GOOD LUCK!!!!

Porchia - posted on 12/29/2011

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Yes I can take care of my child myself , My mom has her reason I spoke with her already,,, And I understand where she is coming from......

Cathy - posted on 12/29/2011

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why is it so important that he signs the birth certificate what bennifets does your mom get out of it if he signs the birth cetificate if he does that he will get all rights and if he is a dead beat dad forget him can you take care of the baby by your self ?

Silvia - posted on 12/28/2011

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maybe you should ask him if he wants to be there for the babys birth. The father of my baby was, He still doesnt care. He left us bout 3 months ago. my baby is 6 months. I hope things turn out better for you and your baby. Just do what you think is right for you and baby.

Brandi - posted on 12/28/2011

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In response to the whole dead beat dad thing, if you don't give him a chance to want to be at the birth, then he misses a crucial moment in his child's life. Do what you want to, but I would at least tell him about it and maybe being there for the birth will help kick his hiney into gear. A lot of guys don't think they can do much for a woman when she is pregnant.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/27/2011

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I was in a similar situation. It's hard. There is validity to both sides of the story. My daughter's dad is also older so we knew this would probably be his only kid. We spoke closer to time, but out relationship was extremely strained and awful. I also would have liked to have a conversation with him about it, but I had so much planning, work, and sleeping to do! I felt the conversation should come from him. I'm sure he's scared, but you are probably too! In the end, it is YOUR body. I couldn't have him there. It's to personal. Also, your mom should back YOU up, and not him. Why would she call him? You should set boundaries on that immediately. I would delete his number out of her phone to be sure.

I did end up calling him after I got my epidural and that was a mistake. I told him to come, and that I was in labor. He kept calling the hospital and wanting information. It was sooo inappropriate. Either get your ass here, or not...don't try to call a hundred times. What an idiot!

In the end, he came, and came into the room with my Dad and brothers. (Basically, after the placenta was delivered, and everything was cleaned up, etc) Based on the situation, what more could he ask for.
Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 12/27/2011

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It's up to you. You are the one that is admitted into the hospital and having a child. This is YOU giving birth, not him. If you will be uncomfortable with him there, don't let him in. This will be a beautiful event for you, don't tarnish it with let down. Let him know the due date and by all means, let your mother tell him. But you DO NOT have to let him, or anyone else for that matter, in the room. Talk to your doc about it. Tell them your consern and they will tell you that this is about you delivering a healthy child. And you can tell him, and the hospital, when you pre-register, that you do not want any visitors in your room without prior approval/notice. Make it apart of your birth plan.

Gabriela - posted on 12/27/2011

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Porchia I completely understand your situation, my heart ached for a while when my daughter's father was absent in their lives, luckily things changed and he is the closest and most caring father you could ask for to my daughters... Of course, you always want the best for your child, the best of everything and I know that your concern is for your child to have a father a caring father that's involved in her life; I do believe that you could care less as to how he is towards you as long as he is a caring, involved and concerned father to your daughter... Don't give up, remember you are doing this for her and don't care what anyone else claims to know about your situation that is just like theirs, again; their stories of dead beat fathers doesn't have to be yours, and their bitterness doesn't have to end up being yours as well.

Porchia - posted on 12/27/2011

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I don't want him back I want him there for his daughter I can give a damn about me & him, it's not about us it's about my child and what I would like for her... If not I am pretty sure somebody will take her in.... But not even looking for that I can do bad all by myself...

Eileen - posted on 12/27/2011

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If he wants to be with you, he would have been with you from the start. Reality check here!!! Get a life and move on, there is a soul mate for you somewhere, just keep looking, that guy, hmmmm give him the flick . Sorry to be hard on you, but I seen guys like that amongst my friends, and I tell you, they are just not worth jack ........

Ashley - posted on 12/27/2011

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Honestly that is a stress you do not need when you go into labor. Make the decision on wether or not you want him in the room PRIOR to going and make your wishes known to your mom, nurses, etc. He can be in the waiting room, etc. He has a right to his child whether or not you like it. Some men seeing being their during pregnancy is being there for you, not the child. So you cannot cross reference the two. However, I would ask if he plans to have any visitation and if so, I may seek mediation prior to delivery so custody is spelled out. If he does not want rights, I may look into having him sign custody away to you completely. So you can start a conversation with him - asking if he plans to have any custody rights or if he plans to sign the baby over. This will cause less headaches later, if you do marry someone else and they wish to make the child their own.

Dawn - posted on 12/27/2011

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Look into getting a DOULA to assist you with your birthing, she can make sure things go the way YOU want & WHO you want in the room, that way no one can show up while you are in the middle of your very improtant job of delivering a healthy baby

Gabriela - posted on 12/27/2011

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@ Kathy ; lady b4 you go and scare people like that you must be considerate Im assuming you must not have any sons. He doesn't automatically get full rights and if he's a dead beat father why would he ever go pick her up at the daycare one fine day. I get sick reading all these posts of sore women wanting to use your situation so they could somehow enjoy the peyttiness. Porch do what's right by your child and no one else. What would she want? If you do the right thing you can have that forever to give to her,hope for the best and prepare for the worst. If he is the least bit mature he will show and it will be his chance to watch the miracle. Either way you will be way busy taking cater of doing what is needed

Denise - posted on 12/26/2011

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The decision is totally yours. He knows your pregnant and he has to take the initiative of knowing when is your dye date and discuss with you the plans. If he hasnt then he doesn't care. Women do lots of things on their own now. We have become empowered in this century. Do what you feel is right.

Kathy - posted on 12/26/2011

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I not only would be concerned with his presence at the birthing as well as his name on the birth certificate too. Once he has his name on the birth he has full rights to this child. He could come get the child at a daycare without your permission unless you have a court order preventing such an event from happening. BEWARE of the choices you make as they could effect you in many way in many areas without proper guidance BEFORE you make those decisions. Be safe and cautious not sorry! If he isnt interested enough to call then I do not think I would be so ready to contact him when the birth is in effect or has already happened until after I was released with my baby and home safe and sound. Your mother should respect your wishes as the grandmother and let you make those moves youself as the baby's mother.

Eden - posted on 12/26/2011

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I say he knows the due date leave it at that because if u invite him and he doesn't show.... its gonna cast hurt emotions on a joyous occasion and that's not cool. You should be thinking about your child not wondering why dude ain't show. The ones that care will be there no need to push it! Congrats anyway!

[deleted account]

Absolutely not! Childbirth is not a spectator sport regardless of what the TV networks think. Having him at the birth and telling him his child is born are two different things entirely. I was married to an indifferent man who cussed me out when I said I was pregnant and never touched me again. I did not want him at the birth and he did not want to be there. Nevertheless, when he showed up at the hospital 20 minutes before I gave birth, the nurses scurried around and got him into the delivery room against my wishes. (like I was in a position to argue, eh?). He started "coaching" - he must have seen it in a movie - and I told him to shut up. the nurse said, "she doesn't mean it" but he replied, "yeah, she does." He has no right to watch you give birth. You have a right to have your child with people who are there to help you and support you. He may or may not be there for the child, but the birth is all about you. Watching does not make him a dad. There are plenty of great dads, my own included, who met their children once they were wrapped up in pink or blue.

Criselda - posted on 12/26/2011

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I think you should tell him but like another person said I wouldn't invite him. If he ask then that would be up to you but know that he will not change don't get to attached. But remember it all up to you don't let anyone else make the choice. Pray and ask God to guide you. God will never steer you wrong

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