Should I let him be at the birth or not?

Angela - posted on 12/15/2011

I didn't miss anything. she SAID he hasn't been around for a month and a half ... she did NOT say he hasn't been around the whole time. And we don't know the WHOLE story or HIS side of it. We have ONE side of it and not very much to go on, so NO I'm not missing anything. No matter what that is HIS child too. NOT just hers and he should be informed when she goes into labor. What he does with the information is on him ... but he should be TOLD.

Susan - posted on 12/15/2011

I am in a similar situation. It was wonderful tohear what others opinions were. I am 7 months along, and the father of the baby has not contacted me in over a month, and i don't expect him to. Its been to stressful on me to have him around. With all the negative things that he been said,in my decision to keep her. I do also wonder about putting him on the birth certificate, and when to call him about her birth. Its so hard and i want to do what's best for my new daughter,but also not stress me out.

Kim - posted on 12/15/2011

@Harbor Mountain, While I agree with you that he should have had the deceny to ask how the pregnancy is going I don't agree that because of that he doesn't deserve to be at the birth. A lot of men ignore the woman while they are pregnant and show no interest until the baby is actually born and turn out to be amazing fathers. He is the father and has a right to at least be notified when the child is being born. It would obviously be up to him to make the choice of showing up and up to her if he was in the actual room but to deny him the chance of being in the waiting room and seeing his child within it's first few minutes of life is wrong. She chose to have sex with this man and now will have to deal with him for the rest of this childs life whether she likes it or not, unless he signs over his rights. This child deserves to be able to have the chance to bond with it's father if the father decides he wants to be there.

Gabriela - posted on 12/15/2011

Again, this isn't about "her"; this is about a child that has a right to have his father in his life if the father wants to be there... This is why many fathers stay away to avoid the mother's drama, we don't know whether he has had a reason to try and stay away, it seems to me she is more concerned with her feelings and whether she has been given the attention she "deserved"... it's hard to be pregnant on your own, I know for a fact, and I also know how much my hormones made me crazy during the time and how difficult I was towards my then husband as I felt he was leaving me during the time where I needed him the most, nonetheless, he was there, he saw his daughter be born, he cried and I felt good about him being there even though we remained separated and subsequently divorced, I am glad this is something he gets to have forever...

Fanta - posted on 12/15/2011

Missing the point: The point is, if he is 25 (or under thirty) he is still a child. Witnessing the birth of his child may change his/her/their child's life for the better. You cannot advise someone to not invite the father of their child to the birthing of their baby. She may have resonating regrets for the rest of her life. If she invites him, and he doesn't show, she did her part. She also needs to establish paternity, and if he's their, it will be an easier process, than doing it through the county of which she resides.

Angela - posted on 12/15/2011

hang on just a damn minute ... it's not JUST YOUR child .... it's HIS child too. Yes I think you should call him when you go into labor and give him the option of being at the hospital when HIS CHILD is born. If he shows he should be given the chance to be a part of the experience, if he's being an ass or a jerk, out in the hall he goes till the baby is crowning then he gets to come back in.

I don't know enough about your relationship with him to determine if he's an ass or if there's WAY more to it and there's a very good and valid reason he hasn't been around you in the past month and a half.

So YES call him when you go into labor. If he shows up at the hospital then let him be as much a part of the birth of the child you share with him as possible.

Jacqui - posted on 12/15/2011

If you're worried about your mum going behind your back, tell the hospital staff that he is banned from the room, so that if he shows up, the staff will not let him in.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/15/2011

I think everyone is missing a HUGE point. This "man" has known she was pregnant this whole time and has ignored her. She has NOT been the one to keep him away. He has made that choice.

Fanta - posted on 12/15/2011

Invite him to the birth! It's a once-in-a-life-time experience, that may change his outlook, and give him a new-found respect for you. Don't be disappointed if he doesn't show up. It's his loss!!!

Gabriela - posted on 12/15/2011

I think it is fair to let him come if he wants to, remember you chose to have a child witht this individual and he has the same rights as you as a parent, whether you like it or not; it's not about you any longer and if he wants to come and be part of his child's birth you should let him, regardless of how it might affect you. And don't let your feelings interfere with their relationship if he wants to be a part of his child's life, you should give him full access no matter how much it may bother you or anyone else...

Hillary - posted on 12/15/2011

It depends how YOU feel.
I am in NO WAY trying to make excuses but I have learned that some men are very dettached from the realization that what REALLY this baby can do to/for him.
My fiance was there but it really didn't fully "hit" him until the baby was in his arms- and he has been a great Dad.
Also I know MANY GUYS who just before their gfs have the baby they sort of freak out and have a "my life is over" rebellion... But also have been there since their kids are born.
That being said - no one should make this decision for you. In my opinion he should be told that you are in labor.
For many reasons: he may have been absent recently but give him the option to choose if he wants to "show up". Him deciding to come or not will speak volumes. If you don't want him in the room or decide to can be decided then. (you can always welcome him in and If he's an ass- you- or the nurses will kick him out.
Think about it really. Don't make a decision based on anger or frustration. If he's a jerk his actions will get him kicked out but if you never let him have the opportunity to be there he can never get that moment back or prove himself and it will just make things more tense and hard

Patricia - posted on 12/15/2011

I think you should talk to him before you go into labor. Tell him that it is ok if he wants to be at the birth. After that if he doesnt show up it is his problem and he cant say that you didnt let him be a part of your child´s life. And if he shows up at the birth let him because he is going to have a connection with your child and it is good for the baby´s life...thats my opinion.
I went into a premature labor and my sister called the father´s family to let him know but he didnt show up at birth and he didnt even call to check up on us... at least I did my part and in the future I can tell my son that I had the "door open" for his father to be a part of his life.

Colleen - posted on 12/15/2011

I think if you just ask if he was planning to go, before due date yourself. and not your mother. you let him know if you want him there or not. It is after all about your feelings on the subject. If it makes things easlier or harder for you.. You are the one having the baby afterall and need help at this time. All the best to you and yours.

Liz - posted on 12/15/2011

My bloke left me when I was four weeks pregnant and only gave me grief so even though I heard nothing off him I didn't tell him. Maybe you should tell him but don't let him be there. If hes not showing concern then, why now? So tell him and then get some one who will support you through the labour. xxx

Shelley - posted on 12/15/2011

You might want to consider this as well, when making your decision. Being at the birth of a child is a bonding moment for both parents. If you would like help from him in the future with your child, it might help if he has had that bonding experience with the baby. If you don't want him in the room, have him go with the baby to the nursery while they clean him up, so he gets a few minutes of bonding time without having to be in your face during the labor.

Celeste - posted on 12/15/2011

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's hard to give anyone real advice without knowing all the details and personalities involved. However, I will quickly tell you some things that have not worked for some of my friends...ideas for you to consider. My son's father's name is on the birthcertificate and he signed the affidavit that he is the father (if needed for future child support/court action as we were not married). However, I was advised to NOT give the child his last name. I'm so glad my son has my last name. His father left after he was a year old. He financially helps, but I have not pursued formal state monitored child support because he is responsible and agrees to my child visit allowances. Also, here are concerns my friends have had... one friend found her daughter's father after the child was two years old. She forced the DNA test on him and it has been a nightmare; court battle for support and visitation arrangements and tons of horrid phone calls & emails ever since. She truly wishes she had left it all alone. She wishes it was just all her choices and decisions; but now the state and an angry new girlfriend and a pissed off father is involved. It's been horrible. She would have rather struggled financially.
Two other friends going through divorces have found the child custody processes to be humiliating and all consuming. Both just wish it was something they don't have to deal with.
I pray things go smoothly for you, but if you can figure out financially how to leave him out of the picture for a while (off the birth certificate), it might save you drama and potentially losing rights to your child or how your child is reared and how her time is spent later. If it's just your name, it's your financial responsibility...but then it's always just YOUR say in how you and your child's lives are run. You can always look to go after him later if you feel the child needs his fatherly influence or financial support. I wish you well! It's not an easy decision. I feel if he hasn't been there to support you through your pregnancy he hasn't earned the privilege to be involved in the birth experience.

Ashley - posted on 12/15/2011

I will tell you what I did. My boyfriend cheated on me the entire time I was pregnant . Basically he would break up with me when he wanted to go see her for a few days. I allowed him to be there when I delivered. I do not recommend it he was all happy but I was crushed cause while I was delivering all I could think of was his cheating I couldn't even enjoy that day.

Kim - posted on 12/15/2011

While it is definately up to you who you want in the room while you are giving birth I would call him and let him know that you are in labour. He is the father and even if he is not allowed in the room he still deserves to know his child is being born and be allowed in the waiting room if chooses to come. If things were the other way around and he was having your baby and didn't call you so you could be there I'm sure you would be very upset. I know he hasn't been supportive during the pregnancy and may not be in the childs life at all but I would leave that choice up to him. You will feel better if he chooses not to be in the childs like knowing that you did everything you could to give him the chance.

Sima - posted on 12/15/2011

Porchia, Let him be there if he want to! Over the child's lifetime, you and he may have many, many ups and downs in your relationship. But this one-time chance will seal his connection with your child as nothing else possibly could. My husband delivered my second daughter and it was the most magical thing in the world. Good luck to you, dear.

Lora - posted on 12/15/2011

Melysa brings up s great point. When I was on labor with one of mine, her dad was with someone new. She came to the hospital during my labor and told the nurses I was giving her up for adoption to them. I had warned them prior to crazy lady arriving there would be issues with her. They handled it before sure entered the room. They got security involved and I didn't deal with it. They are trained to be your advocate. Just for the record, my life is far from that drama and life is much better now.

Charlene - posted on 12/15/2011

hey i wasin the same position 12 years ago and i never contacted the father till after the birth and it worked out ok like everyone else has said its about u and your baby you will never get the moment back so do whatever you have too for yourself and dont worry about other people x

Mindy - posted on 12/15/2011

Just tell him that if he wants to come after the birth that is fine but I wouldn't let him in while you are giving birth. He lost privilege that when y'all split up. Just tell him you don't expect him to come and if does then good for him maybe he will grow up and be a dad.

Jolene - posted on 12/15/2011

This is a moot point. Ask far as I know the mother is the ONLY one who fills out the birth certificate. In fact when I gave birth my husband could not even be in the room when I did it.

Second you have some issues with mom here you need to deal with. If she is not going to respect your wishes now it is going to get worse after the baby. Go to counseling hon and learn how to set firm and healthy boundaries with her.

Last, the two of you are not having this baby together. He is a glorified sperm donor so why would you want this drama? He has a legal and moral obligation to support this baby and you have a legal and moral obligation to support a relationship between the two of them. However, that does not start until after the baby is born. I agree with the others who say this is your day and you need it as drama free as possible.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/15/2011

Oh for crying out loud. What a line. Your mom should know better.

If he signs over paternal rights, I don't think he has to pay a dime. Check with a family lawyer in your area. It must be done through the court system either way.

Porchia - posted on 12/15/2011

She says he is the same sign as her & have faith he is going to come around because he don't seem like that type of person... He didn't seem like he would lie cheat live a double life either.... I was thinking about going the week after she is born, & if he decide to sign his right over he still have to pay?

Nelly - posted on 12/15/2011

don't wait 6 months to ask for child support! he's the biological father and must help financially. Why does your mother thinks he's going to "come around"???? what does she knows that you don't?

Melysa - posted on 12/15/2011

Also even if you don't file child support til 6 months they will ask for a backdated order if you need to(I think) just call and ask

Melysa - posted on 12/15/2011

Surprised nobody mentioned it (then again, I kinda skimmed, but you can inform the hospital staff (in your birth plan if you plan to give them a written one or just verbally and maybe write his name down for them) that he is NOT to be allowed in until the day after, or is ONLY allowed in the waiting room. Also you can give the nurses a safe word or phrase to have them "be the meanie" and ask your mom to step out if or when she becomes too overwhelming. The nurses told me at my hospital visit not to feel bad about having them be the mean guy, they were there for me and to make me comfortable. I suggest doing a tour of the birthing center or just going to talk to the labor and delivery staff and ask them. And if you don't get a chance til that day, have a secret note in your delivery bag and hand it to your nurse at some point while they get you hooked up. Put it in a sealed envelope marked "birth plan" so your mother doesn't get to it and you won't offend her. Nurses have a nice way to order someone out of the room when they need to. Sorry this is so long but I have a tough relationship with my mom and stressed about "what if I need her to leave" until I talked to the nursing staff. Hope this helps!

Lora - posted on 12/15/2011

Having been in this position twice, call him and let him know you are in labor. He can make up his own mind on if he wants to be part of the child's life. The benefit of calling him is he can decide on his own or not if he wants to be involved. Later on your child will appreciate you for trying. I would not ask him to sign the birth certificate. I would go through requiring a paternity test so he knows without fail the child is his.

Felicia - posted on 12/15/2011

He has the info and he knows, you can't make him want to be in the childs life he has to want it. Your focus should be the baby and you. If he calls and shows up that is nice but being involved is more than showing up one day so i would not stress over him being there at all.

Sherry - posted on 12/14/2011

I would not want him there. He obviously doesnt care if you havent heard from him in a month and a half. You cam still collect child support against him without him signing the birth certificate just write his name on it. You can go down to DSHS and they will make him take a DNA test and make him pay you can also make it to where you dont want him to see the baby they can help you i have gone threw this before. i hope everything works out for you. You dont need stress at your delievery thats your time to welcome your beautiful baby into the world..

Porchia - posted on 12/14/2011

Thanks Ms. Freed && Vicki 3 months after I told him I was pregnant he pack & move to sc and went to school, he than broke up with me && was with someone the next day and still with her.. I don't bother to call or anything because I have done that in the past and no answer I wasn't rude to him or nothing, I think he is just scared of what's going on and want to erase everything because a man just don't up and leave and start a brand new life..... & mom says don't put him on child support until 6 months after the baby is born because he just might come around.... I would like to do it right away.... She just want everything her way!

Vicki - posted on 12/14/2011

Depends on why he hasn't been around to give you his support lately. I think that if he wanted to be in the child's life, he'd find a way to be there for you now. Either way, he legally must support his biological child financially whether he wants to or not, but the relationship he has with the child is predicated upon how he treats the child and you.

Danielle - posted on 12/14/2011

only have who you want trust me w my 1st i had my mom there, she was no help made everything harder and actually pulled mu hip out because she insisted on pulling on mu leg durring pushing which mad it really hard to recover, with the next one she wanted to be there and i told her no this is my birth and i dont want people there my hubby was the only one there when we conceived hes the only one there for birth, pluss my mom tryed to hold baby before me and hubby too, so i decided only supportive people from now on, congrats on your upcomming birth, i would try to get a dula to help you so you dont have stress and she can speak up for you

Porchia - posted on 12/14/2011

Thanks to all this will be my first child , that's why I was so confuse on what to do. But now I have a open mind to it and will be talking with my mother Friday..... I just want everything to go well on my day!

Alexandra - posted on 12/14/2011

Porchia, it is your decision, your choice, nobody elses. I am sorry, you are going to have to tell this to your mom. I don't know if this is your first child or not, but believe me, when it is your day, you want to be confortable and do things your way. Have a talk with your mom. And start preparing... only seven weeks. Good luck.

Stephanie - posted on 12/14/2011

I agree with everyone on here. It's YOUR day and no one else's. As a single mom of two kids, I am making it. You have support in this circle of moms. You do whats best for you and your delivery.
Good luck Hun!

Laura Zoey - posted on 12/14/2011

only have in the rooom who YOU want! its going to be a hard day and very emotional and you need as much peace and calm as possible. invite who will help you have a wonderful birth. and the dad can come the next day!

Nelly - posted on 12/14/2011

I agree with Harbor...it is YOUR day. The need to respect your wishes. Try telling your mom in a smoothing way, but tell her.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/14/2011

No one wants to hurt their mothers feelings....but i think she is trying to prevent your feelings from getting hurt to. She just doesn't see that she is making it worse and more stressful than solving it the way mothers try to do.

Shawnn - posted on 12/14/2011

Porchia,

May you and your child be blessed for all time. May your birth experience be easy and quick. May you find the strength to be a single parent, and may your daughter prosper through your teachings.

You are both in my prayers.

Porchia - posted on 12/14/2011

:) Thanks

Porchia - posted on 12/14/2011

&& I am to nice of a person I just don't want to hurt my mother feelings... But if I need to to have a great birth with my daughter than it's just going to have to be done...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/14/2011

You can do it Porchia!

Porchia - posted on 12/14/2011

Thank You Both For the advice you have giving me , it was very helpful & understanding my mind is more clear now.... It's time to put my foot down and do what's best for me and my baby I don't want to slow down the labour in any type of way.... I just now pray he be there for her when she is born.. But if he haven't contacted me I don't think that will happen either... So I am learning now not to get my hopes up... Please pray for me as provide for this child alone that's about to enter into this world...

Shawnn - posted on 12/14/2011

Porchia, keep in mind that if your mother is not going to follow YOUR wishes in this, then she can be removed from the room as well. It's all about YOU and how YOU feel, how comfortable YOU are, and who YOU want to have there! It is NOT about your mother. She got to have you! That was her time, now this is YOURS!

I had to kick my mother out of my room with my first son. She was insisting that I needed a c section, because according to her, I'd been in labor too long. Well, she stressed me to the point that I had a terrible time in delivery...it went so quickly after I told her to leave, I was amazed.

It's OK to be selfish in this instance!

Elfrieda - posted on 12/14/2011

Well, all I know is that I didn't want anyone who was stressing me out in the same room when I was giving birth. My mom, who is wonderful and supportive, was also very anxious and wringing her hands about the pain her baby was about to experience. Out! That is not helpful. It was only my husband and my midwives.

I would suggest that you have neither your mom nor the father of the baby in the room. Get a calm friend to be there instead. You need calm vibes, not stressful ones. If you feel stressed, it can actually slow down labour, and you don't want that!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/14/2011

Tell her you are all grown up and don't need mommy telling you what you need to do. That you are making the best decision for YOURSELF! That she can disagree with your choice, but it is still YOUR decision. Also, he does not need to be there for the birth in order to sign the BC. You will be there about 2 days for vag delivery, and up to 4 for a c section depending on how the birth goes. He can come the day after your baby is born. Your mom needs to chill and mind her own business when you tell her you don't want her opinion.

Porchia - posted on 12/14/2011

I meant sign the birth certificate ..... That is the only reason she wants him there.... But I know how I will feel if he is in the room very stress and she don't get it, always says grow up I am 25 wtf....

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/14/2011

"sing the BC" Not sure what that means.

Well, this might be a bit extreme, but you could let her know that if she does not follow your wishes, that she cannot attend the birth. That you want to be as focused on the delivery as possible, and you don't need distractions such as the drama she is attempting to create for you. That it is unnecessary, and you have no problem banning her from the birthing room and going it alone.

I don't know if you would feel comfortable with it, but IMHO you need someone there that you can totally trust and completley count on. This is you and your babies day, not your mothers. She had her time, and I am sure she wanted it to go a certain way, and others may have stood in her way of achieving a nice birth....but you won't have it.