Should I let my daughter's father take her alone?

Krystal - posted on 07/13/2011 ( 209 moms have responded )

68

30

3

My daughter's father has a court order that he must have supervised visits with my daughter. Reason being is that when we were together, he was very abusive towards both me and my daughter. Some of the things he did were: lighting my daughter's playpen on fire, pushing her to the ground when she touched his stuff, watching her roll of the bed 4 times and each time called her stupid and it was her fault, coming up behind her and scaring her, locking her in her room and refusing to feed her because he had to finish his video game, put her in the porch with the dog and cat litter box while he went out for a smoke...list goes on. With all these inccidents my daughter was only 0-6 months old at the time. In July 2010, he got mad at me and threw a remote control at me, which he missed and it hit our daughter in the head, then picked up the other one and threw it at me, which bounced off the wall and hit me in the neck. Long story short, I went to the local police station and told them what happened, they arressted him for assult with a deadly weapon. I ended up feeling bad and had them dropped and took him back. That same day, he went right back to his old ways. I ended up moving back in with my parents. Back in March of this year, I took him to court. The courts said he needs to call everyday between 3-4pm to talk with our daughter, come down every 2 weeks to see her, and send child support money twice a month. The only thing he has done right is send the money.



He is now demanding to take her for weekends so she can meet her "new mommy" because it's not fair that my fiance gets to be around her. He never comes down to see, in fact the last time he saw her was on her birthday back in October of last year, he rarely calls to talk to her, and when he does it goes more like "Hey how is my little girl doing?? And who are you sleeping with, I have a right to know". Most recently, he has sent me several rude and threatening emails because his ex-best friend is now friends with my man....



Now, my question is, should I allow him to take her for weekends?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Do you want your daughter to end up dead?

Why is this even a question? If he is supposed to have SUPERVISED visits.... give him that. Nothing more, nothing less.

[deleted account]

No, do NOT allow this man to manipulate you any more. He's proven to be abusive, don't subject your daughter to that.

[deleted account]

Document EVERY time he does not call or come see her when he's supposed to. Write it all down in a notebook. That way the judge will see that he's full of crap.

Alisa - posted on 07/17/2011

12

0

0

okay, i'm not going to sugar coat this at all.....



let me start by reviewing what you just said:



1) your baby daddy is abusive towards you and your daughter

2) he has no interest in seeing her for months on end

3) he suddenly has an interest in order to irritate you



you're an idiot. you're going to lose custody of your daughter because you're not protecting her if you let him have her for the weekend....or worse yet she'll end up dead either thru intentional or negligent acts by him. you have a court order to give you the power you need to protect your daughter....now put your big girl panties on and protect your daughter. i don't care what your ex says or does to make you feel bad. this isn't about you...it's about your daughter. she needs protected from this slime. AND take a hard look at your fiance. women like you repeatedly pick out the same type of man. if he's abusive - verbally, emotionally or physically....give him the freakin' heave ho, too.



sorry, sweetie. getting sick of reading about dead babies in the paper because people are not doing what's best for their children. now go grow up.....

This conversation has been closed to further comments

209 Comments

View replies by

Jill - posted on 07/17/2011

101

1

20

All I needed to read was your title and opening sentence:
"Should I let my daughter's father take her alone? My daughter's father has a court order that he must have supervised visits with my daughter. "

From that alone, the answer is clearly No.

After reading the rest, the answer is Hell No. He's still an abusive man, and he is using this to abuse you further.

Keep records of every exchange. If you can keep it to email instead of phone calls, that would be great for documenting. Save text messages, voicemail recordings, etc.

Lee Ann - posted on 07/17/2011

1

10

0

What part of court ordered did you fail to understand? If you break that order you are as him for abusing that child. The court system can protect you both from him as long as you obey. If he wants visitation he should go thru the courts and partion them, if he's still being abusive (as you have said above) why would you let him near you or your family. New acts of abuse or violence should be reported to the police/DA office, so not only will be safe, but a monster with a bad additude is not out here harming us because he did not get his way.

Krystal - posted on 07/17/2011

4

38

0

NO! Do not allow him to harm your daughter EVER again. You SHOULD be attempting for full custody - and termination of parental rights.

Mysty - posted on 07/17/2011

1

7

0

If he feels that circumstances have changed such that he warrants unsupervised overnight visits, then he should petition the Court. I am almost positive, having worked in family in law for over 16 years, that the Court will not share his view of his changed position and deservedness to lift supervised visits. His spots have not changed. From what you have described you would be endangering your daughter to allow him unfettered access at this point.

Keri - posted on 07/17/2011

363

40

0

Technically, if there is a court order and you do this YOU are violating the court order - with the fact that you obviously didn't have an amicable divorce, he could use this against you in court some time. He was abusive toward both you and your daughter. I would not even CONSIDER it!

Ruth - posted on 07/17/2011

1

3

0

NO,NO, NO. And you need to find yourself a good therapist to help you learn to understand how to protect6 your daughter and yourself. Get a PPO on his contacting you . He is crazy and abusive; your daughter is much better off without him in her life. I am a very well experienced counsellor/therapist, and have dealt with these situations many times.

Kellie - posted on 07/17/2011

11

1

0

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!! A Court Order is in place for her protection. If he wants something different, then he needs to take the necessary steps to have it changed officially. Until then make him stick with the Order! He also needs to spend supeervised time with her to establish a bond - "throwing" her into weekend visits with a father (he's no "dad") she barely knows and a step-mother (calling this woman a her new mommy shows how little he respects you) would be torture for a child. As far as the emails - save those. You need to consult with an attorney about stopping visitation all together - it can be done without stopping child support since he shows no real interest in anything except control.

Catherine - posted on 07/17/2011

58

0

4

No, he is an abuser and will always be an abuser. Do not, under any circumstances allow him to take her alone.

Alda - posted on 07/17/2011

225

13

6

Absolutely NO, and no again. It would be awful if the next time you posted on here it was to find your daughter is now lying stone cold in the morgue! He has been granted supervised visits for a reason, please don't trust him alone with her, please...

Kathie - posted on 07/17/2011

3

41

0

NO! There shouldn't even be a question about it. Anybody who is abusive towards a child should never be left alone with them! We had a somewhat similar situation, my husband got custody of my stepson and his birth mother had court ordered supervised visitation (supervision being by her mother). As soon as he would get dropped off she would take off with him. One day we got a call from the police station....she was arrested for drunk driving....with my stepson in the car. Make sure the court order is followed. If that was my daughter I would've left the state and changed my name.

Athena - posted on 07/17/2011

2

0

0

absolutely not!!!! Legally, you will be breaking the protection order by letting him take her, statistically this person is going to hurt your daughter just to "get back" at you for moving on with your life. Is your daughters life worth that? I would not allow him any contact other than strictly supervised by the courts. The child is the one who is important here. She is unable to make choices for herself and has to face the consequences of what the adults around her do. Good luck

Shawna - posted on 07/17/2011

9

24

0

Absolutely not. Refer to the court order. I would do nothing other than what it says. He has not proven trustworth enough to take her.

Margy - posted on 07/17/2011

17

0

0

NO!!!!!!! If he is an abuser and has not had therepy for being an abuser he should not take the child alone. If it was court ordered than he must prove to the court that his behavior has changed. If he dosen't want to do these things, and he is bullying you into you letting him see her, then he is still an abuser. Remember child support is his responsibility, an has nothing to do with visitation.

Melisa - posted on 07/17/2011

26

28

1

don't the courts are backing you up don't mess it up...so many parent have a hard time getting supervised visits and then you read about the families who fall through the cracks

Keirran - posted on 07/17/2011

12

1

0

i really dont think this is a question that you needed to ask... you know the answer... a man like that doesnt deserve a child. Hun do everything in your power to keep him away from her you know what hes capable of and would never forgive yourself if he subjected her to what you had to go through tell the court everything you have said here cry your eyes out if you have to dont let him play the victim... i would leave my family and move to a different country if thats what i had to do to keep him away from my daughter. pm me if you need anyone to talk to hun this is such a bad situation for you to be put in! x

Susan - posted on 07/17/2011

1

0

0

Absolutely NOT! The courts have already backed you up. Keep documenting everything. If you are concerned the courts will change their minds consult with an attorney sooner rather than later. And get some support yourself - that you are even asking this question indicates his attempts to get more access to your daughter is causing you a great deal of distress and internal conflict. Ask for the help you need to protect yourself and your daughter,

Ingrid - posted on 07/17/2011

1

9

0

My girlfriend has a facebook page called Useless baby fathers were she give legal advise I really think you should check it out.

Beth - posted on 07/17/2011

8

62

0

hell no! he can have no more than the supervised visits already allowed. I'd try to get all visitation taken away considering what he's done!

Ayana - posted on 07/17/2011

3

0

0

The final decision is yours to make however, it doe.s not seem like your ex has changed at all. You have to think of the welfare of your child. Do you think that she will be safe alone with him and his new girlfriend? Do you think he will be manipulative towards your daughther while she is with him? I think the reason you are contemplating this is because you may still have feelings for him and you want a reason to see him. I think that you have done an excellent thing by removing him from both of your lives by setting up boundaries and i think you should continue to do so.

Edna - posted on 07/17/2011

84

39

4

no you bloody should not! sorry to be harsh but everything you have said is exactly why he shouldn't have her alone untill he can prove that he will treat her right. you have a court order and if he can't stick to that then he's not making the effort. don't give in to his demands tell him he can do what the court order says and maybe in the future when you satisfied that all is ok and your daughter is happy you'll think about letting her go.

Elaura - posted on 07/17/2011

2

24

1

Absolutely not. No. No. No. And H-E-double hockey sticks no. Follow the court orders and stay strong. You let him do this once and he'll want to keep breaking your court order. I know you want to do the right thing, but this is your daughter's life on the line, and he needs to respect what the judge has appointed as far as visitation is concerned. If something were to happen, you would NEVER forgive yourself. He'll get visitation rights without supervision when he's proven he deserves them.

[deleted account]

NO NO NO!!!!! This is a serious situation and you really need to look at it from that point. What sort of a role model do you want for your child. What things do you want him to teach her? What sort of person do you want her to grow up to be like? Him. This guy is a real jerk, I'm sorry to say the things you have said here are not pleasant and this is psychological stuff. He has serious issues and you really need to see this and talk to someone. He could really hurt her. Why are you attracted to him? What stuff within yourself do you have that you possibly need to address so you can see the seriousness of this stuff. Your child is your child, your baby. This guy is really sick to be doing these things to her at not even 6months, any age really. What happens if he takes her and she never comes back? or he drops her from a great height or when she gets a bit older and more determined that he doesn't really harm her, for no reason, or because he has no patience and gets frustrated. I've been in relationships with guys who have hurt me and I've had to look deep into myself to find out why I'm attracted to these men. I now have an amazing man who is gentle and calm and respectful and we have a little beautiful boy. I'm so glad I got out of those other situations and I urge you to disappear or something. I feel scared for you. Please don't do this to your daughter, or yourself. V

Nikki - posted on 07/16/2011

1

0

0

Don't break the court order even if your daughter asks to be alone with him. The documentation alone will prove to the judge he is unstable and please save those texts and emails. They could save you and your daughters life. Don't worry about the show he puts on the judge will see right through that.

YaYa - posted on 07/16/2011

6

1

0

Excuse me! That court order is for a reason, to protect your daughter. Save the e-mails and please go see an attorney. If he is threatening you then you should take out a restraing order against him. Please do not allow him to take her, as you must think about HER best interest. Also, you would be violating a Court Order.

Lisa - posted on 07/16/2011

52

41

0

No you must not. Your daughter deserves to be safe and it is your responsibility to provide that safety.

Nicole - posted on 07/16/2011

2

22

0

Unfortunately he has supervised visit for a reason. If meeting his new fiancee is that important to him then he would do with the day he has visitation. However if and when they get married it is important that the court investigate his new wife's background and place of residency for them. If he is getting counseling then his therapist should be spoke to in regards to his status of treatment and recovery of anger management. This is important to the child's stability of being shared custody via different home environments. You don't want your child with issue and later in life them need therapy also. You need to speak with the fiancee to see how she feel about your child and the type of relationship she is trying to build because you are the custodial parent and your child need and should feel safe.

June - posted on 07/16/2011

16

25

0

Maya Angelou has said that when a person shows you their true self, believe them. He has shown you his. He has not shown them to his new person in his life, but he will. I would protect your child at all costs. Abusive men rarely change.

LA - posted on 07/16/2011

1

0

0

What?! No way! For starters he is abusive and that should be all the reason you need to say no. Secondly the court says he must be supervised visits with children (another red flag), you could get in trouble for not following the court order. Think about the safety of your children.

Suzie - posted on 07/16/2011

119

23

3

okay we all agree its NO but one more thing if you would allow it you would be going aginst a court order and that would count aginst you when you go back to court you do not want to lose your daughter

Denise - posted on 07/16/2011

67

4

1

No, absolutely not. Not only would you be putting your daughter in danger, you would be violating a court order and could end up in legal trouble.

Connie - posted on 07/16/2011

1

0

0

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he has NO RIGHT to know who you're with.

Nikecia - posted on 07/16/2011

2

17

0

restraining order still in effect??? if not need to get one based on those emails...girl i keep it real....WAKE UP KEEP SUPERVISED VISITS if he can't make them his problem...courts should be on your side he is looking for a way back into your life don't let him he'll end up hurting you and your daughter.

Dora - posted on 07/16/2011

48

11

1

Many of the responses say your ex should get counseling. That's very true, but just getting it isn't enough. I've seen people go through many counselors and come out as bad as ever. The counseling has to "take". The counselor has to be good for that particular person and The person has to do major work on himself. I don't know how you can know that he's safe to be with your little girl after this "process". It would be many years before I could trust your ex after reading the things he did to her. I think supervised visits would have to be a permanent thing.

Michelle - posted on 07/16/2011

4

9

0

No, and you don't have to. The court made it's decision, would you really put your daughter's health at risk?

Rosemarie - posted on 07/16/2011

1

6

0

My answer is NO NO NO! When she is an adult, she will be capable of making her own choice of whether or not she wants him in her life. But now, you must protect her.

Sally - posted on 07/16/2011

4

0

0

Reading your story, the issue here is not about you or your ex but about WHAT IS BEST for your little girl. How much do you love, treasure and will go out of your way to protect this little blessing that you have been given? NO, he should not be allowed to have him for weekends. You must remember you do not own the child but only caretakers. They are not things that you can pass around anytime you like as goods from a shop. They can be removed from you if you do not care for them responsibly like you should. You as an adult have been traumatised by what he did to you I am sure. Think about the repercussions that will negatively impact and cripple her growth as a happy, vibrant and healthy individual as a whole. You will have to think long term and not just for today. Being a parent is a choice and we have to always put the child first and foremost as life does not revolve around you anymore but must include what is best for the child as they did not ask to be here honey. It will pay off in the end. Trust me, have been married for 33 years, I have five and am a grandmother now, a great role model to them and others. The father of the child is acting like a very bitter big child himself and does not deserve to have the precious little one unless he gets proper counselling himself and learn to deal with his own issues first. You can not give what you don't have and love is like that. You both need to love and value yourselves first sweetheart before you will know the value of that precious gift that is before you. I am talking to you now as a mum first and grandma. Life is so fragile and choices made is very important as they will either make you or break you. My prayer is that you will have the courage to step up and take responsibility for your precious blessing and make her proud one day for standing up for her at a time when she was so vulnerable and needy and you were brave, selfless and protected her from harm and danger. You have no idea what she will grow up to become, do you??? You will not be sorry..... Sally

Bev - posted on 07/16/2011

2

0

0

I'm not sure how old your little girl is??If it's only for point scoring then may be he should not have her as it is not about him missing having a one to one with her, either way you should try to go without showing any mis-givings, to your daughter about her dad, the bottom line it's about how your little girl feels, her dad needs to be told it's not about you or him, it's about your daughter and how she's to cope as happily as possible with the situation.

[deleted account]

Absolutely Not!!!!!! He sounds like an awful person that shouldnt be allowed to be around any child let alone his own! Stick with the courts ruling and do not let him make you feel bad or manipulate you!

Jareen - posted on 07/16/2011

24

22

0

If the courts gave this man supervison vist with your daughter you need to stick to it, because if that man was to do something to his daughter the courts will take her from you. What you are going through a friend of mines went through the samething with her son's Father, he sent her threatening emails and texts she saved them and took them to the courts. This is what you have to do. Give him enough rope and he will hang himself.

Talley - posted on 07/16/2011

1

0

0

I'm surprised that he has any visitation at all! You know in your heart what the answer is here, NO! Don't feel guilty for protecting your daughter, YOU are not the one preventing him from having a healthy relationship with his daughter. HE is the one who has made this decision by his actions. Also sounds like he is only interested in spending more time with her only because he wants to impress his new girl. If he really cared he would do anything to see his daughter even under supervised conditions!

Wanda - posted on 07/16/2011

32

30

0

Ummm....do you REALLY need to ask??? There is NO justification for allowing him to have her alone. None. NONE. If he wants the "new mommy" to meet her, they can BOTH come down to see her. Besides, your little girl doesn't see him and hasn't seen him for all that time. What makes you think she'd even WANT to be around him at all?? She'd be stressed and anxious and nervous the entire time. She'd probably even be scared to be with a man who has mistreated her so much and the only other person there is a stranger. REALLY?? No. Besides, not passing judgement here, really, but don't you think that YOU should meet this other person first? For all you know this lady may be just as bad or worse than this guy..err, JERK.
My sister just told me a true story last night. She works with an organization that monitors visits between kids and parents which CPS has separated. She monitors those visits, but she is not with CPS. She told me the story of a woman who relapsed on drugs, so CPS took her two kids away and were going to give them to the father. She begged them not to, bc the man abused her and the kids, but bc she never filed reports or anything she had no proof of the abuse. So the scumbag got the kids anyway. He mistreated them AWFULLY, except for the days that CPS paid their visit. On those days, the man would take them out of the back yard closet he always kept them in (with no food or water or baths for DAYS), he'd shower them and feed them and get them ready for the CPS person to come. After the CPS person left, he'd throw them back into that same closet and forget about them for days...or weeks. The mom got clean and went to the police to have someone go with her to get her kids back, but bc she used to be a junkie they blew her off. A few days later, this guy's girlfriend went to the police to file a report of abuse (he hit her too) and she also reported about the kids being mistreated, and told the police about them "living" in that closet. So after that the police DID go to this guy's house, went to the closet to get the kids......they were dead. After 2 weeks of them not eating or drinking or anything.
Now.....I ask again.....do you REALLY need to ask??? Your fiancee is allowed to be with your daughter bc he's not an abuser, just like you aren't one either. You PROTECT your daughter. And that is what you have to do, even if it means protecting her from her own father. She is precious, and you MUST make sure she stays away from BAD people. Besides, if something bad were to happen to her, YOU would be the guilty one for allowing her to be in that situation. There is a reason the COURT ordered SUPERVISED visitation. If he has a problem with that, he should take it up with the court and not try to make you feel bad for protecting your adorable little angel. DON'T LET HIM take her.

Holly - posted on 07/16/2011

32

3

0

Wow! Are you even considering letting her alone with him? Please for her sake don't. Being exposed to people like that will normalize the abuse cycle (he sounds very abusive!!!) and make her accept it for herself when she grows up. People like that seldom change. If you have a hard time seeing how sick he is (that can happen if you are used to it), please, please, please, get a good therapist to help you be able to see it. You will never look back & you will save your poor daughter becoming accustomed to being treated badly by future lovers. My very best to you both!!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms