Should I let my daughter's father take her alone?

Krystal - posted on 07/13/2011 ( 209 moms have responded )

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My daughter's father has a court order that he must have supervised visits with my daughter. Reason being is that when we were together, he was very abusive towards both me and my daughter. Some of the things he did were: lighting my daughter's playpen on fire, pushing her to the ground when she touched his stuff, watching her roll of the bed 4 times and each time called her stupid and it was her fault, coming up behind her and scaring her, locking her in her room and refusing to feed her because he had to finish his video game, put her in the porch with the dog and cat litter box while he went out for a smoke...list goes on. With all these inccidents my daughter was only 0-6 months old at the time. In July 2010, he got mad at me and threw a remote control at me, which he missed and it hit our daughter in the head, then picked up the other one and threw it at me, which bounced off the wall and hit me in the neck. Long story short, I went to the local police station and told them what happened, they arressted him for assult with a deadly weapon. I ended up feeling bad and had them dropped and took him back. That same day, he went right back to his old ways. I ended up moving back in with my parents. Back in March of this year, I took him to court. The courts said he needs to call everyday between 3-4pm to talk with our daughter, come down every 2 weeks to see her, and send child support money twice a month. The only thing he has done right is send the money.



He is now demanding to take her for weekends so she can meet her "new mommy" because it's not fair that my fiance gets to be around her. He never comes down to see, in fact the last time he saw her was on her birthday back in October of last year, he rarely calls to talk to her, and when he does it goes more like "Hey how is my little girl doing?? And who are you sleeping with, I have a right to know". Most recently, he has sent me several rude and threatening emails because his ex-best friend is now friends with my man....



Now, my question is, should I allow him to take her for weekends?

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209 Comments

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Holly - posted on 07/16/2011

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Wow! Are you even considering letting her alone with him? Please for her sake don't. Being exposed to people like that will normalize the abuse cycle (he sounds very abusive!!!) and make her accept it for herself when she grows up. People like that seldom change. If you have a hard time seeing how sick he is (that can happen if you are used to it), please, please, please, get a good therapist to help you be able to see it. You will never look back & you will save your poor daughter becoming accustomed to being treated badly by future lovers. My very best to you both!!

Melanie - posted on 07/16/2011

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NO, Absolutely not! You've listed a long list of horrible things that he has done while you were together. I don't even want to think about the things he would do now. If he has demands, he needs to go back to court and try to prove to the judge that he deserves weekends. There is no way that is going to happen. He probably wouldn't even bother, he's just talking junk. But save everything, emails, phone records of his sporadic calls just in case. And since he rarely calls or sees her, so he doesn't even know her. You'd almost be better off letting a perfect stranger take her because pretty much that is what he is. My son is 7 and his real father has been out of the picture for the last 5 years, out of the blue he contacts me and wants to take his son to disney for the week. I said he was out of his mind.

Donna - posted on 07/16/2011

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Hell no not a chance I have been in relations like this and my children have not seen there father for over 7 years because of his actions

Jennifer - posted on 07/16/2011

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I didn't read any of the other responses, but I say ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Please re-read what you just wrote. Now think about it. If your sister/best friend/mother was in this situation, what would you say? You would tell her not to let him take the baby. Why are you talking yourself into letting him take her?
You have a COURT ORDER of supervised visitation. If he can't adhere to the order on his own, why would you go against it? The court believes that he needs to be supervised - and from what you've said above, that is clearly the case. He is obviously still abusive to you from what you say about the e-mails he is sending.
I say if he wants to see his daughter that badly, he can prove it by adhering to the court order, and then having it revised at a later date. If he can't do that, then he doesn't deserve to see your daughter.
I have been where you are, and know what you are going through. Just think about what is best for your daughter, and you will make the right decision.
Good luck!

Debbie - posted on 07/16/2011

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NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO...remember when he was abusive...do you want your daughter to go through this alone...please follow the court order or when you need it the court will not stand behind you...I have been the supervisor for many visits through the CAS when I was a worker...your daughter is too beautiful and perfect to go through such stuff at her age....she has already been through wayyyyyyyyyyy to much already...once it too much

Nicole - posted on 07/16/2011

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NEVER...I can't even believe you are even thinking of allowing it...my husband works in protective services he's even dumb-founded you would be thinking of allowing him to exceed a court order...he say you could be brought up on endangerment charges if it gets back to law enforcement, child custody...and if something happens to her...guess what - YOU might lose custody too!

Tara - posted on 07/16/2011

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NO!!!! Make him get a court order to change it and they should STILL be supervised.

Karen - posted on 07/16/2011

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Not without the courts approval. He and you can stand in contempt if you do this. You need to contact your attorney or the Judge in some way to tell them how he is demanding. If he set her play pen on fire and was my X, he would never get near her again unsupervised. Please for your daughter's sake refuse and contact someone for help.

Alejandra - posted on 07/16/2011

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Hell no. Every single thing you have said is an argument against letting him take her, especially since he was only interested in her once he got "a new mommy". Better question: Is there any reason in hell to LET him take her for weekends?

Toni - posted on 07/16/2011

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im in the same sort of position ,but in the end its not a choice we make ,the judge makes the court order and we have no choice but to abide by it ,i ve been fighting in court for aver a year and they have just made an order for him to have my daughter unsupervised for 7 hours on a saturday to which i am not happy ,as she has always only had supervised and only for 2 hours at a time ,so it might not be a choice you want but what they decide .

Bri - posted on 07/16/2011

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my ex always used to asked me those questions too its a sense of control of the BD's part - dont let him! you would be almost crazy to let her go!

Grace - posted on 07/16/2011

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Ah, NO! you have a court order that directs the interactions between your children and their father. The children have been terrorized, sounds like and I'll bet they aren't as excited about seeing him as he is about his new woman meeting them. Your children's health and well being is your first priority and supercedes all threats he may make. Take care of your children's mental health too Mommy and keep the court order. Encourage your children and make a concerted effort to keep them around positve encouraging people to build them up and celebrate them--to give them space to feel good about themselves and their purpose for being here. Feed them positve encouragement morning noon and night!

Dora - posted on 07/16/2011

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One of the responders mentioned that you need to keep your daughter away from him for her emotional, mental health. I'm afraid it's also for her very survival. I think he might kill her.

Katherine - posted on 07/16/2011

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absolutely NOT. This man is mentally unstable and to let him take your daughter for a day would be cruel to say the least. This man needs to be in some sort of therapy. Once again do not let him take your daughter.

Deena - posted on 07/16/2011

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NO you should not allow this man to take your child without supervision. Or any child.. Oh and if you do the judge can throw the the order out an hold you in contempt an take you daughter for child endangerment. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just sayin this man is not safe an it's your job to protect That beautifull lil girl. Good luck.

Candace - posted on 07/16/2011

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No. I am a social worker. If YOU allow him to take her, and she is hurt..it is YOUR FAULT and you will lose custody of her also. I would not let him have her at all. Make your own choice, but do not endanger your daughter or break a court order or you will be very sorry, sad, and AT FAULT.

Michelle - posted on 07/16/2011

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ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!! He has obviously not changed. There are court orders for a reason. Sounds to me as if you and your daughter are better off without him in either of your lives.

Jamie - posted on 07/16/2011

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Do you really need someone to answer this for you? Most definitely not. After what you just wrote and considering there is already a court order. Absolutely. NO!!!!!!

Renee - posted on 07/16/2011

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No, you should not. The Court Order is to protect your daughter and you are legally obligated to do what it says. If he is only allowed supervised visitations, the that is all he should get. If you allow him to take her for the weekend, YOU are in CONTEMPT OF COURT, just as he is. Unless the Court Order gives specific instructions as to who should do the supervising, I would never be the one supervising his visits. Find someone trustworthy to do this for you. He has no choice but to accept who you choose. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Jacine - posted on 07/16/2011

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Absolutely not. You should make the courts aware of his continued abusive behavior. Who is more important to you...him or your daughter?

Gloria - posted on 07/16/2011

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My heart goes out to you in this horrible situation. But, absolutely do not allow unsupervised visits. The mental health of your child is the most important factor to consider.

Denise - posted on 07/16/2011

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If the court has ordered supervised visitations only, then you need to stick with that. It doesn't sound like he has proven to have changed at all. It is none of his business what you do with your life as long as your daughter is happy and safe. Unfortunately he can't provide that on his own. He has a problem and needs to get help for that before he has any rights other than what the courts have given him.
I hope all works out. Good luck!!

Dora - posted on 07/16/2011

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The court order said "supervised visits". Did the order say who is to do the supervision? It's my opinion that you should not be put in position to supervise when he has a history of violence toward you. Sending her with him sounds like a recipe for disaster of the worst kind. You will be held responsible when something goes wrong if you break the terms of the court order. It's my opinion that the supervision should be by a professional social worker or psychologist. And NO don't send her with him.

Kimberlee - posted on 07/16/2011

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get a lawyer, a good one that will let you make payments. They know their way around the courts and judges. I have an ex that plays the same game, he wasn't abusive just manipulative. They play the game so much they don't even realize that everyone else eventually sees through them. Hold on to your hope, pray, and get the lawyer to help you out.

Angie - posted on 07/16/2011

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Have to add, when I opened this page, it gave me only the original question and a chance to answer, before it would show me any responses, so I didn't read your follow-up comments before posting above. From the original question, it sounded like you were considering letting him take her, despite the court-ordered restriction that he have only supervised visitation, so I didn't "get" that you were actively trying to prevent him from having any visitation at all. I agree with the posters that say to document every single thing he says and does, and how often he actually sees or talks to his daughter, and how it goes when he does. He still sounds controlling and abusive, and you are right to be scared. Just last year, in a very similar case in a town near me, the courts finally gave the dad unsupervised visitation, and the very first time he took the kids, he killed both of the boys, and then himself. Really tore up the whole community. There is no way the courts should be granting rights to these abusive men. The legal system should be all about protecting the abused, not "upholding the parental rights" of the idiots who hurt them.

Angie - posted on 07/16/2011

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Absolutely not. He's lost any right to spend time with her, especially unsupervised time. He's proven himself to be unstable and cruel, and as a mom, I would do anything in my power to keep him from having any access to my child. Give him the absolutely bare minimum that the law requires, and not a thing more. You are the #1 advocate for your child and her safety, and would never forgive yourself if he hurt her. Stand your ground, and get legal help if he keeps pushing the issue.

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I just hope you're documenting everything he's doing - print out the emails, etc. Present all this to the court when you go. But bottom line...NO, don't let him take her!!!!! If you do, you'll probably never see her again!

Karen - posted on 07/16/2011

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i dont know wot concerns me more the fact that he did these awful things or the fact that ur actually considering letting him & his new beau to have her over night/wkend. Who's to say that shes not like him & they both have a go at abusing her. U hear abt it all the time. The answer to ur quest is a firm no for her safety & ur sanity.

Katherine - posted on 07/16/2011

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NO! Not at all.How do you know he has changed?Having a new woman in his life doesn't mean he has changed and the kind of questions he ask her are not the kind a father would ask if he hasn't seen or talked to her in a long time.

Patricia - posted on 07/16/2011

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your child should be taken away from both of you. him for being cruel and you for being stupid

Amy - posted on 07/16/2011

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I would say read your own post and that will answer your question! Heck no, there is a reason for supervised visits. He cannot be trusted. Whats to say he won't loose his temper really hurt her or or not being her back!

Katherine - posted on 07/16/2011

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The way I see it, he's lucky the judge is giving him any kid of rights besides paying child support.

Cathi - posted on 07/16/2011

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Not only no but HELL NO!!!! There is a reason he has the court order and it needs to be followed. If not your daughter can be in danger. He's already abused her several times, why would you want to take a chance of that happening again? As a mother myself, I would do everything in my power to prevent him from ever seeing her again, even if it included no more child support.

Jessica - posted on 07/16/2011

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Sorry, i don"t think you can trust this man with this poor kid. if a father can do such terrible things to a baby who barely knows him as his father, then he can do worse now. Please don't do it!!

Diana - posted on 07/16/2011

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No if you have a court order that it is to be supervised then that is the way it has to be. Don't let him have her by hiself. No not if he has a court order just for supervised visits.

Tammy - posted on 07/16/2011

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You should never let him see her!!! If he did all of those things to a baby before she was even 6 months old, what happens when he loses he temper now? I have a 1 year old daughter and if anyone including her father ever did those things I might kill them!!!! I think if you allow him to see her on week ends she may never come home. He doesn't deserve to be a parent!!

Evelyn - posted on 07/16/2011

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NO, no and no. As long as there is a court order in place do not let him pressure you in any way to do things his way. From what I read he is still the same abusive person. He has no business knowing who you are spending your time with and he is using your daughter to spy on you.
STICK with the court order and just don't remain on the phone with him once it is evident he is just going to grill you for information that is non of his business. There is no reason you have to put up with him. As long as there is someone who keeps your daughter safe during her visits there is nothing else you need to do to. You do not owe him anything more. His demands mean nothing!!

Karen - posted on 07/16/2011

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You don't know for sure he won't abuse her, and that is just not a risk you take with a child. I foster children from abusive homes and the damage done in just one day of abuse is horrible to a child. The courts have reason they set things like they are, follow the rules and protect your daughter, she's counting on you to be her protector from him, she needs to know she can trust you to keep her safe. You kow he always goes back to his controlling and manipulative ways, and it'd doubtful he will change. Don't listen to his manipulative words, follow the court order. *Trust me, if you let your daughter be abused by going with him unsupervised, charges could be brought against you as well, and she may end up in the foster system.* I know this, don't let her go.

Julie - posted on 07/16/2011

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You as the parent must act in the best interest of your child. One of the most basic parenting duties is to keep your child safe and protected. If you do not, the courts will give to to someone who will. I work with at-risk families and have seen many women lose their children to the foster care system because of their poor choice in men. Very sad......

Viola - posted on 07/16/2011

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No, she doesn't even know him and he hasn't made any efforts to see her as designated by the courts. Sounds like it is to make you miserable instead of wanting to be with her. I don't see how it is any of his business who you are sleeping with. He is taunting you by saying her "new mommy". I would take the threatening emails and get a restraining order based on his past history and new threats. It doesn't seem to be about spending time with your daughter but still controlling you and reminding you to be frightened of him and you know better than I whether there is a reason to be.

Deb - posted on 07/16/2011

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NO WAY !! Your daughter's safety(and yours) comes first! I'd get a restraining order/order of protection, so that he can't come near either of you. Sounds like he's unstable .

Diane - posted on 07/16/2011

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P.S. If the court order says he has to have supervised access by allowing him to break this you could be party to a contempt of court order.

Christine - posted on 07/16/2011

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Are you kidding!!? NO!! He is lucky to even be allowed to see his daughter at all. If he has not had serious counselling on dealing with anger and frustration , you should NEVER leave her alone with him.

Diane - posted on 07/16/2011

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Sorry to sound crazy - but isn't your answer already in all the things you have written? He has a track record of not caring about your daughter and of neglecting her. Why would you even consider letting him take her unsupervised. The courts have ordered it as such and for a reason.

Julie - posted on 07/16/2011

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You were in a domestic violence relationship. Most women go back to their abuser 15 times before they leave the relationship for good. I would also recommend therapy for you to help you figure out why you would get into a relationship and let a man abuse you.

Nicole - posted on 07/16/2011

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Since your ex has a "court-appointed" supervised visit only order, if you go against what the court has decided, you may lose custody of your child. Never ever go against court orders. Is letting your ex see your baby alone worth losing her to a court-appointed foster family? I don't mean to scare you but there are judicial consequences to going against the courts ruling.

Kirsty - posted on 07/16/2011

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NO!!! If you have a court order then you MUST follow it. Even if he's Has changed and Wants to spend time with his kiddo (not likely but I digress) then HE must seek visitation through the court. IT is Not your call. If you don't follow the court's instructions EXACTLY then you could jeopardize your full custody in the future. That is the one thing that I absolutely know. Follow the court order AND their timelines. Show up for every hearing even when he does not. And write down the missed phone calls. He is not ready to play father - if he wants to introduce her to a new girl and play house... I'm sorry to be harsh but No WAY! Not with Your child. Doesn't your little girl deserve better? So do you, but coming out of an abusive relationship CAN make you feel like you deserve nothing. I understand that. So focus on your daughter - does She deserve better? That should be an automatic yes. So stick with that - that is why you're working hard and on your own - it is for her. And please get some counseling to reclai your self-esteem/self-confidence. He is going to play that guilt card a LOT. Prepare yourself. Therapy helped me a great deal and now I see that I deserve better, just like my daughter deserved better. Follow the orders, and when he whines about that, just tell him to go to legal aid and file the paperwork. Hey, I told my ex that it was illegal to go around the court order, and filing himself was the only way that we could obey the law with visitation.
If he wants her, he needs to work for it and prove it to a judge. Easy if he really means well.

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